Tweedy Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral..._________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Intelligent Holograms Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 With great difficulty I'd imagine! They get funnier the further you go down. My Favourites ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bhang Bhang Duc Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Although I've read some of these before they're still blody hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Westwind Posted April 29, 2013 Share Posted April 29, 2013 They remind me of some of the things I overheard while installing audio systems in courtrooms. Judge to Salesman: Next time you're in my court, don't forget your toothbrush 'cause I'll find you in contempt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted April 29, 2013 Share Posted April 29, 2013 funny stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Westwind Posted April 29, 2013 Share Posted April 29, 2013 Judge on phone to another Judge: You're still on those pills ? Why don't you go get yourself one of those cards ? You know the marijuana cards ? later in the same conversation... "what do you mean dialated ? You mean dialated like a pothead's eyes or dialated like ready to give birth ?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morpheus Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 OMFG - Literally pissed myself laughing!! Only in America Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Westwind Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 I got a kick out of some judges being the nicest laid back folks you could imagine, some judges too proud of their position to acknowledge peons, and some so frustratedly busy they sometime throw up their hands and give up. I had two business partners that sued each other. They had a hearing and proceeded to talk over each other. The Judge (whom I knew) asked them "what am I doing here if you're going to talk over each other?", and told them they can work it out for themselves and walked out of the hearing. I have a lawyer friend in Missouri that hates lawyer jokes. Yes, he takes himself too seriously. But then he always has. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eli Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I guess I'm a foul mouthed sort, fuck a bunch of lawyers, they're all fucking useless other than writing the documents for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Westwind Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 That's about it, yeah. Writing the documents, and sending you a bill. My lawyer friend was proud of a case that he handled where it got written up in some journal. He sent me a copy, and the main thing I noticed was the $30,000 lawyer fees on a $34,000 settlement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morpheus Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Well when I graduate and serve my traineeship as a Lawyer I'll make sure to take into account the financial side to which my clients needs are met over the total cost of my advice. If it works then we have something to weigh, if not, then I think the total should be deducted. I am a fair man, those in the profession in America are only in it for themselves. After all, if they make programs out of it in America, then I can actually believe it couldn't be near to the truth than what it is showing. "Trial is War, Second Place is Death" for an 'Attorney' to state this and I actually believe a lot of them will also hold this belief, then that is what you'll always loose. Money. Money means nothing when your Federal Reserve can make it out of thin air and call it a deficit. P.s. If Eli states in reality this is what serves his observation or dealings with them, then the quote that I have hand picked out of a program could possibly be attached to real life Attorneys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sensorland Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
People United Together Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 Hilarious. Totally. *unretired Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Consular Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 Unretired already? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
People United Together Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Well, I was lurking GP the whole time, so why bother pretending I wasn't? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Consular Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Fair enough. Escaping NS is rather difficult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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