Clarkov
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Posts posted by Clarkov
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Jünjen/Катфадсие ае Дзаембеу Рагби Сцийас - The 101
The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street: Season 2, Episode 0 - Third Time [REDACTED]
[Clarkson walks into the tent to applause by the travelling Hertfordians and Jammbians, who quickly become bemused. Strangely, he is on his own. Where in the name of all that's holy are Hammond and May?!]
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello and welcome! I'm here in Zoran where there used to be a war going on, but I'm told it was permanently postponed. Now, you might be wondering why I'm the only one here. Well, I found out just last week having recovered from pneumonia, that in my illness both Hammond and May have been picked to join the Hertfordshire and Jammbo national rugby team.
[The audience gasps in relative unison]
Jeremy Clarkson: As you could imagine, I was very cross. But no matter! If they succeed, I can claim that I taught them how to do it because let's be honest, James would score a try in the wrong direction and as for Richard? Let's just say that teams are probably motivated well by sore winners on the other end.
[
Richard Hammond {out of shot in the distance}: No you didn't! Stop saying things to the audience that aren't true!]
Jeremy Clarkson: ...Anyway. Of course if we fail to win the title, I have a scope for laughing at them. It's a win-win for me.
[A few scattered laughs can be heard from some parts of the audience]
Jeremy Clarkson: Right now that that's over with I can now hand over to the Stig who has joined us for various requests in a way only the Stig can do. This is Conversation Street's 2nd appearance so call this Season 2. On the note of this being the second season, and this episode being more of a prologue, see you first episode, goodnight! Oh, and Mečislavs and Clarkov are coming to see the 3rd Rugby World Cup. Given how monumentally shy he is, if anyone sees Clarkov in public, take a picture and send it to 0801-CLOTS. You may get recognition.
The Stig: .. ... ... ..... .. .. ..... .. .. ..... ... ..... ....... ...... ......... .. .... (translation: he is not going to be happy if he finds out we're drawing public attention to him.)
[
James May {out of shot, having tripped into one of the abnormally large freezers the HNDRJ brought with them... which is full of freezing water}: Ah! My testicles have retreated!]
HertsJammpedia - The Rundown (31-person team)
Weirdness Incarnate - The Roster (31-person team)
AGE IS IRRELEVANT
The Style Mod
+2.9
The Checklist - RP Permissions
If my opponent RPs first, they may... Choose my try scorers: N Choose my kicker: N RP injuries: Y Godmod scoring events: N Godmod injuries: N Godmod other events: N
- United Adaikes, Zoran, Min-Su and 2 others
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The Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire and Jammbo shall enter the 3rd Rugby World Cup. A new, actually official, logo is in the works as of this moment in preparation for this event.
Signed, Tsar Mečislavs Deben
Signed, Clarkov Jammbonevych Sahaidachny
Update! The new logo has been completed. We hope the new look is to our fans' liking. It certainly is to us.
- United Adaikes, Zoran and Saint Mark
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If there's a part of that complete turkey meant for delivery to a god living in a shrine, you can send my piece of turkey to someone else. For the love of Gord, I do not like turkey.
- Zoran and Bran Astor
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 12: Esferiad Burst!
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello everyone and welcome to a new episode of The Bauhaus Novel.
James May: Indeed, welcome to what we hope will be a return to normal episodes. Well, as normal as us three can be.
Richard Hammond: Yes we shall, however now it's time to realize that there is no tent of chat, on the field of debate, just outside of Conversation Street!
The jingle we all know and love plays. This time, Clarkson drops an anvil on May to no effect. We are receiving a sense of Deja Vu here.
Richard Hammond: How did that not phase him?
Jeremy Clarkson: I don't know. It's completely baffling.
James May: You know I'm not really sure how myself.
Jeremy Clarkson: Well let's not get bogged down in whether James is even human, let's address the elephant in the room.
James May: Good point! So, Hammond, what do you mean there's no tent?
Richard Hammond: The HNJEK are rather unhappy with us for constantly missing deadlines and so they've decided to lay a penalty on this show.
Jeremy Clarkson: What kind of penalty?
Richard Hammond: Did none of you notice that we are outside doing this?
James May: Cock. I wondered why that was the case.
Richard Hammond: So basically we've been evicted from our news offices.
Jeremy Clarkson: Well I think we all know, in the audience, who is to blame for our predicament.
[In no time at all, the audience via a tally chart on the only piece of technology left to the boys showed that May was clearly the blamed.]
James May: Hang on a minute, why am I being blamed here?!
Jeremy Clarkson: Well, the athlete roster was 3 days late.
James May: You can't tell me that was the sole reason you have blamed me.
Jeremy Clarkson: To be honest we're only doing it because you're the slow one, so if we pin it on you, me & Hammond don't get any flack and the viewers at home would see common sense in the reason.
James May: I'm a scapegoat then.
Jeremy Clarkson: Exactly.
Wholesome, if slightly confusing, online picture that the S.O.D.O.F.F contained.
Richard Hammond: On the subject, what are we going to cover in today's episode?
Jeremy Clarkson: Erm, that's a good question.
James May: I'm not really sure. But I got these signs.
Richard Hammond: Yes, those will help us.
James May: We hold them up and whoever can fit three TV hosts into their car can take us straight to that afterparty that the rest of the HNJEK, all 150+ athletes, are joining.
Jeremy Clarkson: Yes, yes! I forgot about that.
Richard Hammond: Mecislavs & Clarkov will be there too, the Tsar told me via email.
Jeremy Clarkson: Why didn't Jammbonevych Furutani email us?
Richard Hammond: You realise that boy is probably the most naturally nervous & shy person at this Esferiad outright, I'm guessing.
Jeremy Clarkson: My bad for not noticing sooner. Also, he is rather cold to people.
Richard Hammond: He's cold to pretty much anyone due to reasons mentioned earlier, but as Adaikesian President Salazar showed when he brought the topic of autism acceptance to the table, it is not impossible to get Clarkov to open up although it is a difficult & slow process.
Jeremy Clarkson: One thing's for sure, that boy no matter how naturally shy or nervous he is has no shame at all.
Richard Hammond: His special occasions drawer that sits adjacent to his Javelin Throw gold & silver medals tells all. Fanart, actual pictures of athletes, fanfiction, AB/DL, Age Regression, Yaoi/B.L., Bondage, a model train, memes, ships (not the sailing kind), the list goes on.
Jeremy Clarkson: No no wait, Yaoi/B.L.?!
Richard Hammond: I thought that was rather odd considering that the Prime Minister is as asexual as he is autistic which is very much so.
More stuff found in the S.O.D.O.F.F., this time Jammbonevych Furutani personally allowed us to show these ones. Miracles, though we're not sure they're good ones. Also, what did Enrico ruin?!
James May: Oi! Get out here you idle sods!
Richard Hammond: Coming James!
Jeremy Clarkson: It looks like that's all we have time for. If this isn't the final episode for the current Esferiad the next one will be. Now before we go I'd like to announce that Jammbonevych Furutani has told us three privately that he is thinking of having Hertfordshire & Jammbo lodge a bid to host the third Esferiad. Let's make it happen people, get to convincing him to go through with it. Oh and convince the Verkhovna Anglia while you're at it. This would need to be voted through.
James May: CLAAAAARKSOOOOOOON!!!
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh sh-t! Alright, have a skit we put together. Until next time everyone, goodbye!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oo18OQPrOI
The little skit that the trio put together. Ambitious but successful, not a phrase you hear about these three often. Or ever.
Day 13 Event Schedule (Already Gone)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Canoe-1 Slalom Yoshika Melngaile, Kanako Yanchuk Road Time Trial Cycling Lilith Myroshnychenko, Maxie Valchev, Diego Adamov Track Sprint Cycling Nahyuta Seržants, Seiya Nikolov, Chara Dreimanis Shortboard Surfing Markus Vasev, Masamune Karapetrov Gymnastics Vault Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis Gymnastics Individual All-Arounds Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis Badminton Doubles Stage 1 Pluto Ḣeidïz + Rago Nesterenko, Sig Chornyj + Leone Avramenko Individual Sabre Fencing Stage 1 Manfred van Kirilova, Enrico Priedītis Heavyweight Boxing Finals "Scatman" John Lapsiņš Rugby Sevens Semi-Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union Day 14 Event Schedule (Final Day! Coming Up)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Kayak-1 200m Slalom Mukuro Ishchuk, Sachiko Sheremet Track Team Sprint Cycling Mary Hadjieva + Galeem Gaismas, Julian Kynev + Shinmyoumaru Sotirova Gymnastics Team All-Arounds Hertfordshire & Jammbo Gymnastics Team Badminton Doubles Finals Pluto Ḣeidïz + Rago Nesterenko, Sig Chornyj + Leone Avramenko Rugby Sevens Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 11: The Last Thing On My Phone
Tonight, Jeremy revels in Richard's failure,
Richard convinces Ongo to hoard the waffles,
and Clarkov shows us what he was wearing during Javelin.
The Conversation Street jingle plays for the first time in a while. Here we see a truly stunning scene in the natural environment of the HNJEK Karventhin offices. The Orangutano Clarksonius and the Hamsteridae Hammonder are witnessed attempting to murder each other with a machine gun & a pistol respectively. The Spanielis Mayli has a knife in his head, yet miraculously still lives. Also, hooray for recycling previous intros!
Continued from the previous episode.
Makoto Nankov: What is your most frequently used emoji?
Richard Hammond: I have never used an emoji ever.
Jeremy Clarkson: I don't use, ever, emojis.
Richard Hammond: Me neither, I never use them. It's just inappropriate! It just feels wrong to be using an emoji, I don't feel like I should. James, you have used emojis.
James May: I have. I've, er, only ever used the thumbs up one occasionally because you can do it in lots of different colours, it's very right on. So you can have it all the way from sort of pasty Northern Polaris to, you know, somebody from New Velka, you've got all shades of person.
Dio Burluka: What music are you listening to?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: I've got the MBTI as Instrumental Music Collection by Natalya, er, some medieval music, two anime albums and... that's all off the same album, that's just my special occasions material.
Jeremy Clarkson: [confused and displeased grimace]
Richard Hammond: When did he get here?
James May: Not a clue, but his music taste is strange.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: I... thought I was alone.
Richard Hammond: You can stay if you want, since you're here now.
James May: Fine by me.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: [soft smile]
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: What was the last note you wrote to yourself?
Richard Hammond: "Tamara Davies died. Off continent, look back & do all we can. Tamara Davies still died. We are what we are in a time we can conceive and measure." Utterly meaningless...!
Jeremy Clarkson: "The Stig's Doll Guldurian cousin, something to tell us?" "Yes diarrhoea, c) pick on people in bins." I suspect it was- there was a story that The Stig's Doll Guldurian cousin was joining the Esferiad. They got a photograph of maybe a sign-up document as the Postcard Online called it, they'll have gone 'something to tell us Doll Guldur Stig?' and it would hold up a sign saying 'Yeah, I've got diarrhoea. Just got a bit of a bloated engine, I'm going to have a big sh-t in a minute'. F-cking Postcard Online.
The Stig: ... .... ...... ...... .. ... ..... [Translation: How many unread emails do you have?]
James May: 111,672.
Richard Hammond: I've got just 2.
Jeremy Clarkson: Here's my inbox.
Richard Hammond: That's a lot of unread.
Jeremy Clarkson: All of them are unread. So if you're watching this Faust Ḩarełeudeiem, Karen Kovalenko, Suu Strashilova, Mizore Savenko, Enrico Priedītis, Armando Slobodyan, Chara Dreimanis whoever you are, Kou Kovalchuk, Embry Balkanska, Ongo Sidopliassova, Shirou Fomenko, Lemres Romanov, Sentinel Putniņš, Ryo D. Lait, Mečislavs Deben: unread!
[Clarkson & Hammond burst into laughter]
Richard Hammond: Yeah you should probably try a bit harder there.
Jeremy Clarkson: Oooh- that's a bit embarrassing. [still laughing during sentence]
Yeah, we didn't make an episode yesterday, again, but we do have a habit of this now. Perhaps we should try and make more time to do these. Besides, some say that
Goodbye & Goodnight everyone!
Day 12 Event Schedule (Already Gone)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Kayak-1 200m Sprint Roger Runcis, Bunta Furman Mountain Biking Cycling Mečislavs Deben, Jataro Koks Golf Dynamis Dudka, Emporio Aspers Gymnastics Rings Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis Heavyweight Boxing Stage 1 "Scatman" John Lapsiņš, Vector "Prime" Putniņš Kumite Karate Finals Cain Myroshnychenko, Erhard Mykhalchuk Lacrosse Finals Hertfordia Lacrosse Field Hockey Quarter-Finals Hertfordia-Jammbo Hockey Football Quarter-Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Football Federation Rugby Sevens Quarter-Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union James May: Why are we showing events that have already happened without showing the upcoming events too?
Jeremy Clarkson: Because we'll get those upcoming events in the next episode or fall asleep trying.
- Saint Mark, Arifiyyah, Giovanniland and 2 others
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 10: Not While There's Still Jelly Coursing Through These Veins! (
Richard Hammond: What...)
Tonight, Jeremy revels in Richard's failure,
Richard convinces Ongo to hoard the waffles,
and James shows us the last thing on his phone.
The Conversation Street jingle plays for the first time in a while. Here we see a truly stunning scene in the natural environment of the HNJEK Karventhin offices. The Orangutano Clarksonius and the Hamsteridae Hammonder are witnessed attempting to murder each other with a machine gun & a pistol respectively. The Spanielis Mayli has a knife in his head, yet miraculously still lives.
* = bad grammar on purpose to convey failure to pause in between saying words
James May: I'm James May.
Richard Hammond: I'mRichardHammond.*
Jeremy Clarkson: I'm Jeremy Clarkson.
James May: And this is 'The Last Thing On My Phone'.
Richard Hammond: What is?
James May: That's the name of the segment.
What Was The Last Thing On Your Phone?
John Kramer: So if you guys could look right into this camera here in the middle.
Richard Hammond: [disturbingly focused]
James May: Alright.
Rantaro Antonenko: What was the last photo you took?
Jeremy Clarkson: It's my penis.
James May: It's- it's my own trousers.
Richard Hammond: Well this is your own...
Jeremy Clarkson: I don't actually...
Richard Hammond: Am I allowed to show that?
Jeremy Clarkson: That's something from our BBEK protest, it's our bus handcuff scene, it's he and James... touching each other.
Richard Hammond: Well...
Jack Borisov: What was the last video you watched?
Jeremy Clarkson: Okay it's... ThouPorn, that's a ThouPorn, what was it?
Richard Hammond: Eheheh.
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh god really? You w- oh.
Richard Hammond: I'm in it.
Jeremy Clarkson: Nobody wants to see that!
Richard Hammond: I'm in it.
Naho Sotirova: What was the last thing you Googolplerxed?
James May: Mine was Neimz.co.hj, trying to change the name of my email account, that's interesting isn't it? [rhetorical sarcasm]
Richard Hammond: I was looking for the Reçueçn embassy (in Cambria).
James May: Wh- n- everybody knows that.
Jeremy Clarkson: Wai- no, you've seriously had to Googolplerx where the Reçueçn embassy is?!
Richard Hammond: Do you wanna know what's even funnier?
Jeremy Clarkson: What?
Richard Hammond: I didn't find it. I was on a motorcycle, I had to stop and just park it and got in a taxi and went 150 yards to it. I don't live in Great Parndon!
Jeremy Clarkson: Wh- you...
James May: I also looked at the weather in Easfolk 'cause Hammond and I have to go there in a week.
Jeremy Clarkson: Is it Hertfordshire and Jammbo?
Richard Hammond: It's snowing.
Jeremy Clarkson: Is it autumn?
James May: It's the north.
Jeremy Clarkson: It's snowing.
Richard Hammond: It's snowing!
Jeremy Clarkson: Only he'd look that up.
Rococo Uradulov: What was your last text message?
Richard Hammond: It's my parole officer.
Jeremy Clarkson: Mine is from my son, "quite good actually".
James May: Mine was "f-ck off".
Richard Hammond: Can't tell you what mine was 'cause you'll just think I'm a f-cking twat.
Jeremy Clarkson: "Your helicopter is grounded this week", which means you have to go to Easfolk in your car. Hahaha.
Richard Hammond: Haahaahaa!
Tanukichi Osis: How many alarms do you have set?
Richard Hammond: 3.
Jeremy Clarkson: 1.
James May: I have 3.
Richard Hammond: 06:17, 06:19, 06:20. I've got Fashion, Moving On & Kaleidoscope of Happiness.
Jeremy Clarkson: Well my times are 5:00, 5:17, 5:30, 5:45, 6:00, 6:10, 6:30, 6:45, 7:00, 18:00, 18:58 & 19:55.
Richard Hammond: Why have you left them all on?
Jeremy Clarkson: I might need an alarm at 19:55!
Richard Hammond: Well you can always set another one!
James May: I've got 07:01, 18:03 & 21:01. They are tagged Another Beginning, Cygnus & Get Up, F-ckface.
Will be continued in the next episode. Cheerio chaps!
Yeah, we didn't make an episode yesterday, we had no time as Clarkson & May were too busy laughing at Hammond's dismal failure to win gold for the second time. With all that being said in typical "I'll-blow-up-your-house-if-you-lose-this-bet" fervour, it is time to end. Of course we'll be back, we always are. You can never get rid of us! Well, unless John Kramer traps us or something. Now some say we thought Fujai was a hippie documentary, and that our internal organs are made from steel & ice. All we know is, we turned all your air conditioners to the lowest setting fellow Esferiad bodies!
Goodbye & Goodnight everyone!
Day 10 Event Schedule (Already Gone)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Marathon Track Ongo Sidopliassova, Damian Haat, Zombina Zakharchenko Field Javelin Throw Ryosuke Tīrelis, Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani, May Mykytyuk Gymnastics Uneven Bars Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis Badminton Singles Stage 1 Junko Varbanova, Konngara Adamov Individual Foil Fencing Stage 1 Joseph Deeustä, Kirina Hadjiivanov Water Polo Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Finals Hertfordia Basketball Handball Quarter-Finals Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Quarter-Finals Hertfordia Lacrosse Indoor Volleyball Matchday 5 Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Field Hockey Matchday 4 Hertfordia-Jammbo Hockey Football Matchday 4 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Football Federation Rugby Sevens Matchday 4 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union Day 11 Event Schedule (Coming Up)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Track Individual All-Arounds Nile Hadjiev, Lemres Romanov, Endeavour Medvid, Jotaro Kishishev, Gingka Hristov, Jeremy Clarkson, Afuro Tytarenko, Judai Yakymchuk, Tommy Venev, Lockdown Melngailis, Douglas Mednis, Shirou Fomenko, John Tinchev, Bello Jēkabsons, Miles Endziņš, Wales Chaban + Sophie Chaban + Giorno Giovranchev + Yuuma Novak, Ongo Sidopliassova, Damian Haat, Zombina Zakharchenko Track Team All-Arounds Hertfordshire & Jammbo Track Athletics Team Field Individual All-Arounds Ivo Rudzītis, Peko Pekyneva, Freddie Ṁḙkjeri, Ayame Kraule, Mamoru Endziņš, Yuuto Kreslīns, Shinji Ivanyuk, Yoshikage Kramlis, Quote HT, Franklin Chaban, Embry Balkanska, Eirin Yaneva, Ryosuke Tīrelis, Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani, May Mykytyuk Field Team All-Arounds Hertfordshire & Jammbo Field Athletics Team Canoe-2 1,000m Sprint Gyro Zeidmanis + Johnny Deeustä Gymnastics Parallel Bars Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis BMX Cycling Rose Rysinov, Aran Rozītis Kumite Karate Stage 1 Cain Myroshnychenko, Erhard Mykhalchuk Individual Foil Fencing Finals Joseph Deeustä Lacrosse Semi-Finals Hertfordia Lacrosse Indoor Volleyball Matchday 6 Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Field Hockey Matchday 5 Hertfordia-Jammbo Hockey Football Matchday 5 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Football Federation Rugby Sevens Matchday 5 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 9: That Was Unexpected
Tonight, Vector passes out,
Richard drives like Takumi Furman,
and something unexpectedly wholesome appears in the stolen S.O.D.O.F.F. collection.
Blah blah blah, we know we're way behind schedule, the hosts aren't back. The entire news show is all but ruined at this point but we don't give a damn! It's still happening and we are not stopping anytime soon. You know the drill, just cross your fingers and hope the boys come back. [off screen -
John Kramer: "WHERE ARE YOU, YOU TRIO OF MIDDLE AGED FU---!"] ...Well then. Oh, hang on...
Jeremy Clarkson: We're back!!!
Richard Hammond: Yes we are.
James May: And we have a great way to re-introduce ourselves after our time away.
Richard Hammond: Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Slow & a shaved ape there.
Jeremy Clarkson: Wha-!
Richard Hammond: No no thanks, really thanks lads for wasting 9 minutes of my life.
James May: No no I'll tell you something else really interesting...
Richard Hammond: Not with Ongo's sofa oar sticking through your neck you won't.
James May: No seriously! During the war...
Richard Hammond: Oh god no, not 'James May On The War'!
Jeremy Clarkson: No!
Richard Hammond: Please.
The appropriate reaction to 'James May On The War'. No one wants to be put through that. The one furthest to the left is the one who owns the 'sofa oar' that Hammond mentioned.
An extra news piece because we somehow have nothing better to do with our time. With that being said, it is time to end. Some say the formula for medal winning is written on each of our nose hairs, and that we are illegal in 11 different countries All we know is, we're the HNJEK. Goodnight. [falls asleep]
Day 9 Event Schedule
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 4 x 100m Relay Track Wales Chaban + Sophie Chaban + Giorno Giovranchev + Yuuma Novak Field Hammer Throw Embry Balkanska, Eirin Yaneva Gymnastics Balance Beam Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis Lightweight Boxing Stage 1 Richard Hammond, Kou Kovalchuk Kata Karate Finals Lisa Lazarenko Water Polo Semi-Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Semi-Finals Hertfordia Basketball Handball Matchday 5 Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Matchday 5 Hertfordia Lacrosse Indoor Volleyball Matchday 4 Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Field Hockey Matchday 3 Hertfordia-Jammbo Hockey Football Matchday 3 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Football Federation Rugby Sevens Matchday 3 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union
- Arifiyyah, United Adaikes and Orandia
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 8: WANTED = Clarkson, Hammond & May
Yeah, Clarkson, Hammond & May still haven't returned. Who among the audience bets that they've been arrested by local authorities? We're beginning to think they were. So because of this, we have no hosts. That's why the format introduced last episode will stay for the foreseeable future and yes, that includes our sneaky reveal of the patented Special Occasions Drawer of Fabled Fields (SOD OFF). This will last until they return, or until a creepy organ sound effect plays. That heralds Clarkov arriving out of nowhere. It also means no intriguing intros, so deal with it!
Also, we know we're way behind with this, cut us some slack.
Day 2 of the S.O.D.O.F.F. reveals. Clarkov will be fuming, but he's too shy and too intelligent to try and stop us. Trust us, he and we both know how the internet works. [OOC: Actual pictures, mostly found on DeviantArt, that the asexual boy behind H&J loves.]
Day 2 - Athlete Rankings
1st = Feli Petruk - Event: Tennis Singles - Expected Overall Position: 13th | Actual Overall Position: 1st - Net Position: 0.38th | Net Expected Position Gain: +4.62 | ("You intend to defy your fate?")
2nd = Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen - Event: Beach Volleyball - Expected Overall Position: 9th | Actual Overall Position: 2nd - Net Position: 2.00nd | Net Expected Position Gain: +7.00 | ("I, Spïďwagen, shall allow none to harm this gentleman!")
3rd = Hertfordia Basketball - Event: Basketball - Expected Overall Position: 11th | Actual Overall Position: 3rd - Net Position: 2.14th | Net Expected Position Gain: +5.71
4th = Jack Borisov - Event: 3m Springboard Diving - Expected Overall Position: 5th | Actual Overall Position: 1st - Net Position: 0.29th | Net Expected Position Gain: +1.14 | ("Art Stone Age is all over. Its fantastic new age will be started by me!")
5th = Suu Strashilova - Event: Windsurfing Sailing - Expected Overall Position: 12th | Actual Overall Position: 5th - Net Position: 1.72nd | Net Expected Position Gain: +2.41 | ("Well, it was Suu's fault that you caught a cold... I should apologize as well. But Suu doesn't mind! Because she loves her Master!" [BF {nothing sinister is going on here}/Kimihito Kostenko {is present in HNJEK staff}])
6th = Karen Kovalenko - Event: 10m Air Rifle Shooting - Expected Overall Position: 19th | Actual Overall Position: 6th - Net Position: 2.61st | Net Expected Position Gain: +5.65 | ("They kidnapped my mum. They have her. You may be my friends, but I'll kill you. I have to! For my mother!")
7th = Vekar Griķis - Event: Individual Taekwondo - Expected Overall Position: 16th | Actual Overall Position: 5th - Net Position: 3.13th | Net Expected Position Gain: +6.88 | ("The Aurans can fight back! Well, I don't like that!")
8th = Zeo Ȩbis - Event: Windsurfing Sailing - Expected Overall Position: 8th | Actual Overall Position: 4th - Net Position: 1.38th | Net Expected Position Gain: +1.38 | ("Heh, you're as optimistic as always, but it sounds so good.")
9th = Naho Sotirova - Event: Individual Taekwondo - Expected Overall Position: 1st | Actual Overall Position: 1st - Net Position: 0.63rd | Net Expected Position Gain: (+/-)0.00 | ("'Kibiki'... my sweet, succulent mentor... I would do anything for you... anything at all...")
10th = Rita Dacheva - Event: 10m Air Rifle Shooting - Expected Overall Position: 9th | Actual Overall Position: 5th - Net Position: 1.47th | Net Expected Position Gain: +2.17 | ("...And they do nice things for each other.")
11th = Mina Medne - Event: Tennis Singles - Expected Overall Position: 19th | Actual Overall Position: 8th - Net Position: 4.23rd | Net Expected Position Gain: +3.08 | ("I've conquered the atom, but not the Jammbonian mind.")
12th = Gankyo Kostova - Event: 3m Springboard Diving - Expected Overall Position: 2nd | Actual Overall Position: 3rd - Net Position: 0.86th | Net Expected Position Gain: -0.29 | ("Read books and surf the web..." [when asked what she normally does])
13th = King Valchev - Event: 1,500m Freestyle Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 39th | Actual Overall Position: 19th - Net Position: 4.35th | Net Expected Position Gain: +4.13 | (" This is fun, fun, so fun!!")
14th = Hank Hordiyenko - Event: 1,500m Freestyle Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 9th | Actual Overall Position: 4th - Net Position: 8.04th | Net Expected Position Gain: +0.43 | (" ...And if it gets one degree hotter, I'm gonna kick your ass!")
15th = Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team - Event: Water Polo - Expected Overall Position: 3rd | Actual Overall Position: 8th - Net Position: 5.71st | Net Expected Position Gain: -3.57
16th = Jonathan Deeustä - Event: 1,500m Freestyle Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 1st | Actual Overall Position: 20th - Net Position: 4.35th | Net Expected Position Gain: -4.13 ("I strive to be a true gentleman! There are times when a gentleman has to be courageous and fight, even when his opponent is bigger than he is and he knows he's going to lose!")
17th = Hertfordia Baseball - Event: Baseball - Expected Overall Position: 7th| Actual Overall Position: 10th - Net Position: 8.33rd | Net Expected Position Gain: -2.50
18th = Hertfordshire & Jammbo Equestrian Dressage Team - Event: Team Equestrian Dressage - Expected Overall Position: 8th | Actual Overall Position: 9th - Net Position: 9.00th | Net Expected Position Gain: -1.00
Now we apologize for showing you this late, but Kramer fell asleep on air so this is actually a filmed set-up. On that note, some say our camera vision includes infrared, ultraviolet & evergreen, and that we speak Giovannilandian in Glendulan. All we know is, we're clots because the event schedule is below instead of above. Goodnight. [falls asleep]
Day 8 Event Schedule
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Individual Swimming All-Arounds Doppio Kostov, Josuke Honcharuk, Isaac Myroshnychenko, King Valchev, Hank Hordiyenko, Jonathan Deeustä, Ryuga Krieviņš, Derek Sokolov, Hecatia Lukanova, Makoto Nankov, Jean Dombrovskis, Eve Myroshnychenko, Sentinel "Prime" Putniņš, Samson Myroshnychenko, Shuichi Salmiņš, Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Horatio Niedra, Lazarus Myroshnychenko, Kokichi Osis, Goomo Sachev, Athena Cālīte Team Swimming All-Arounds Hertfordshire & Jammbo Swimming Team Floor Exercise Gymnastics Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis Kata Karate Stage 1 Eden Myroshnychenko, Lisa Lazarenko Freestyle Wrestling Stage 1 Takumi Furman, Lucy Lazarenko Baseball Final Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Final Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Quarter-Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Quarter-Finals Hertfordia Basketball Handball Matchday 4 Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Matchday 4 Hertfordia Lacrosse Indoor Volleyball Matchday 3 Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Field Hockey Matchday 2 Hertfordia-Jammbo Hockey Football Matchday 2 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Football Federation Rugby Sevens Matchday 2 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union
- United Adaikes and Arifiyyah
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 7: Autismo van Meeting
Well this is awkward. Not only has Mecislavs gone to the arenas to check up on the athletes (how's that for connecting with our people?) but Clarkov has blatantly refused to come on if it means he is on his own. Then again, even if Adaikesian President Luke Salazar miraculously got the 17-year-old, nearly 18-year-old, Prime Minister to open up, Jammbonevych Furutani is still the same shy cinnamon roll of a boy that Hertfordshire & Jammbo elected back in 1419. Bet he wasn't expecting that when it happened.
It took ages for Clarkov to finally start feeling comfortable, but once Salazar prized him open specifically with talk about the autistic acceptance scene in Hertfordshire & Jammbo he slowly began to warm up to the United Adaikes President, who promised to send an elite team of personality specialists & the like to see just how the number one country for autism acceptance & general neurodivergence acceptance does things. Clarkov takes immense pride in being autistic, amplified due to the time he was relentlessly bullied in secondary school for being autistic, so Luke pressed the right buttons there.
Now, don't tell him, but we've rummaged through Clarkov's special occasions drawer of online pictures that he looks at when he wishes to either calm down or enjoy himself. We do not apologize for the potential weirdness in these whatsoever, but think of it this way - not even Tsar Mečislavs is allowed to look through them. He is very private.
Online pictures we found in Clarkov's special occasions drawer - pictures of athletes, fanfics of athletes, AB/DL, age regression, fan-made drawings of athletes, memes, etc. were found - he hopes to be able to do these himself one day. Creators are unknown. Except for picture 6, the athletes themselves took that.
So with Clarkson, Hammond & May still not back after their frankly doomed protest, we thought we'd catch up on something and give you all a ranking of how our athletes performed day by day, starting with Day 1 below. Best to worst, from top to bottom based on position and how much they punched above their weight. Enjoy and an early goodbye before the late goodbye.
Day 1 - Athlete Rankings
1st = Vekar Griķis - Event: Individual Taekwondo - Expected Stage: First Round | Current Stage: Semi-Finals - Net Position: 1.25th | Net Expected Position Gain: +8.75 | ("The Aurans can fight back! Well, I don't like that!")
2nd = Rantaro Antonenko - Event: Individual Equestrian Dressage - Expected Overall Position: 11th | Actual Overall Position: 1st - Net Position: 0.53rd | Net Expected Position Gain: +5.26 | (NEW ESFERIAD RECORD HOLDER) | ("Kill without being caught, and then survive the trial... sounds eerily similar to the real world.")
3rd = Diavolo Kucherenko - Event: One-Person Dinghy Sailing - Expected Overall Position: 19th | Actual Overall Position: 4th - Net Position: 1.43rd | Net Expected Position Gain: +5.36 | ("I must crush my fear! Now is the time... I must overcome it right now! That is what it means to live!")
4th = Franziska van Kirilova - Event: One-Person Dinghy Sailing - Expected Overall Position: 28th | Actual Overall Position: 7th - Net Position: 2.50th | Net Expected Position Gain: +7.50 | ("Tsk, tsk, tsk. Mr. Phoenix Rait. I grow tired of the foolish foolery of the foolish fools of this foolish country...")
5th = Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen - Event: Beach Volleyball - Expected Overall Position: 8th | Actual Overall Position: 2nd - Net Position: 2.50th | Net Expected Position Gain: +7.50 | ("Your face seems to be asking "Who's this?", so let me introduce myself! I'm the meddling Spïďwagen!")
6th = Doppio Kostov - Event: 200m Freestyle Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 50th | Actual Overall Position: 16th - Net Position: 3.20th | Net Expected Position Gain: +6.80 | ("Roger that. Following your orders [Diavolo's] is my reason for living as well.")
7th = Josuke Honcharuk - Event: 200m Freestyle Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 5th | Actual Overall Position: 7th - Net Position: 1.40th | Net Expected Position Gain: -0.40 | ("Who the hell am I?")
8th = Ringo Romanyuk - Event: 10m Air Pistol Shooting - Expected Overall Position: 50th | Actual Overall Position: 16th - Net Position: 1.90th | Net Expected Position Gain: +2.86 | ("Welcome...to a real man's world...")
9th = Yukari Yaremenko - Event: 10m Air Pistol Shooting - Expected Overall Position: 16th | Actual Overall Position: 6th - Net Position: 2.86th | Net Expected Position Gain: +4.76 | ("That's too bad. I don't, since my tea's scent doesn't fade. Ever.")
10th = Patrick Manev - Event: Individual Archery - Expected Overall Position: 3rd | Actual Overall Position: 6th - Net Position: 1.67th | Net Expected Position Gain: -0.83 | ("Witness the power... of GUILT!")
11th = Phoenix Rait - Event: Individual Archery - Expected Overall Position: 6th | Actual Overall Position: 7th - Net Position: 1.94th | Net Expected Position Gain: -0.27 | ("But who do you fight for? How hard must you fight...? That's the true measure of what human life is worth.")
12th = Hertfordshire & Jammbo Artistic Swimming Team - Event: Artistic Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 9th | Actual Overall Position: 4th - Net Position: 3.33rd | Net Expected Position Gain: +4.16
13th = Isaac Myroshnychenko - Event: 200m Freestyle Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 49th | Actual Overall Position: 31st - Net Position: 6.20th | Net Expected Position Gain: +3.60
14th = Naho Sotirova - Event: Individual Taekwondo - Expected Stage: Semi-Finals | Current Stage: Semi-Finals - Net Position: 2.50th | Net Expected Position Gain: -1.88 | ("Happiness and unhappiness are linked. Whenever one attempts to gain good fortune with little effort, there is always a risk.")
15th = Klug Nankov - Event: Individual Equestrian Dressage - Expected Overall Position: 18th | Actual Overall Position: 12th - Net Position: 6.32nd | Net Expected Position Gain: +3.16 | ("I won't hold back.")
16th = Hertfordia Baseball - Event: Baseball - Expected Overall Position: 1st | Actual Overall Position: 10th - Net Position: 8.33rd | Net Expected Position Gain: -7.50
17th = Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team - Event: Water Polo - Expected Overall Position: 8th | Actual Overall Position: 12th - Net Position: 10th | Net Expected Position Gain: -3.33
Dio Burluka: You thought this report would be by the HNJEK, but it was me Dio! Oh and Faust is here too.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: I'm only here because you told me that this was what I had to do, that it was my mission.
Dio Burluka: Frankly after winning gold the way we did, we deserve to be able to do this.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Not sure who really cares but alright. Either way, the past, present and future are all held in my hands. This time, I will show you the future, the brilliant future that will be born, thanks to my hosting efforts aided by the greatest partner in existence, Twisted Tempo.
Dio Burluka: There you go again with that Tempo thing. We know it exists.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Some say that he knows 2 facts about the JoJo's and both of them are wrong, and that because Naho Sotirova rigged a phone vote, her mentor Kou now owns the rugby trophy I won... and all the players. All we know is, she likes that man to a fault.
Dio Burluka: Faust, that was my job!
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Need me to show you that Rugby World Cup I trophy?
Dio Burluka: At least I, Dio, can keep hold of what is mine.
Day 6 Event Schedule (Done Already
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 4 x 200m Medley Relay Swimming Volodymyr Zelenskyy + Horatio Niedra + Lazarus Myroshnychenko + Kokichi Osis 10,000m Track Lockdown Melngailis, Douglas Mednis, Shirou Fomenko Field Shot Put Shinji Ivanyuk, Yoshikage Kramlis Equestrian Team Jumping Jolyne Cishisheva + Miko Tymchuk Coxless Fours Rowing Robert Cherganski + Mark Kronbergs + Mikhail Faustinov + Reimu Hadjieva Tennis Doubles Finals Dio Burluka + Faust Ḩarełeudeiem Baseball Quarter-Finals Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Quarter-Finals Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Matchday 6 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Matchday 6 Hertfordia Basketball Handball Matchday 2 Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Matchday 2 Hertfordia Lacrosse Indoor Volleyball Matchday 1 Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Day 7 Event Schedule (Coming Up)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 10km Marathon Swimming Goomo Sachev, Athena Cālīte 110m Hurdles Track John Tinchev, Bello Jēkabsons, Miles Endziņš Field Discus Throw Quote HT, Franklin Chaban Coxed Eights Rowing Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rowing Team Individual Fencing Epée Stage 1 Kyle Hadjiivanov, Naomi Niedra Baseball Semi-Finals Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Semi-Finals Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Matchday 7 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Matchday 7 Hertfordia Basketball Handball Matchday 3 Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Matchday 3 Hertfordia Lacrosse Indoor Volleyball Matchday 2 Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Field Hockey Matchday 1 Hertfordia-Jammbo Hockey Football Matchday 1 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Football Federation Rugby Sevens Matchday 1 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union
More stuff from Jammbonevych Furutani's special occasions drawer! Hah! This covert assault on the Prime Minister's privacy proves that I, Dio, should reign supreme over The Bauhaus Novel. Also, we wonder when Clarkson and the other two will return. The second picture really should be the HNJEK's spirit animal or something along that calibre.
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 6: Ascendance Jammbo
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: ... [looks emotionless & cold, is actually very nervous & shy... & cold]
Mečislavs Deben: Clarkov, we're live.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Oh! Er, h-hi, welcome to this episode of The, erm, Bauhaus Novel which is named after the half of Hertfordshire & Jammbo where me & the Tsar hail from.
Mečislavs Deben: Yes that's right, you thought there wouldn't be an episode 6 but it was us! So, Jammbonevych, care to do the honours? I know how much you love this.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Sure, cheers. It is now time to put out the fire of agreement, on the car bomb of debate, and cordon away the horrific scene from social interaction on Conversation Street.
The ever lovable Conversation Street jingle plays while Hammond spews out a liquid like some kind of fountain
or a gentleman's pork sword.Mečislavs Deben: Sorry. Hah, eh, so sorry.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: That's the best thing that's going to come out of this show.
Mečislavs Deben: Hahahahaaa, ouch! Also, Furutani, how dirty is your mind?!
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: I see no issue here.
Mečislavs Deben: Don't think I didn't notice your little sly edit on the screen, I have access to that too you know.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Like I said, I see no issue here. It's not like it hinders me from my duty as Prime Minister.
Mečislavs Deben: Moving on!
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Right, now you may be wandering why the Tsar & Prime Minister have commandeered this series out of nowhere. Well, I wanted to have a go at hosting it, so there's your answer.
Mečislavs Deben: I'm intrigued as to what the trio had to go and do for them to try and fail (because of us two) to cancel episode 6.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Actually thanks to Kramer we have live camera footage of the good (Hammond), the bad (Clarkson) & the slow (May) and we can reveal what exactly they're getting up to.
Mečislavs Deben: This ought to be good.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: It better be.
(The scene switches from the news room to somewhere in Karventhin, where the ruling duo are reporting from)
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Mečislavs Deben: This is Karventhin Train Station at rush hour and well they've handcuffed themselves to a bus.
Jeremy Clarkson: False statistics ruin 48 events a week!
Richard Hammond: BBEK burns planets!
Jeremy Clarkson: Utter rubbish coming out of the back of that group is enough to fill the Great Pacific Ocean every 3 weeks!
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: So they're angry at the BBEK for... reasons.
Mečislavs Deben: Probably because the BBEK claimed they would be average.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Ah yes, to be honest I'm rather miffed about that as well.
Mečislavs Deben: Petrovikan probably is too, but I don't know.
James May: What do we want?!
Jeremy Clarkson: Dalimbari landmines!
James May: When do we want it?!
Richard Hammond: As soon as we can arrange easy finance!
Jeremy Clarkson: Well as soon as the signatures...
Mečislavs Deben: Yeah, we have no hope of receiving those. Dalimbar probably doesn't even consider our land as a real place. It's beyond heathen level.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: National self-deprecation, I love it.
Mečislavs Deben: You know you're weird right?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Yes, I'm weird and I'm proud of that.
Mečislavs Deben: OK.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Oh, looks like they've chained themselves to another bus that conveniently blocked them from view.
Jeremy Clarkson: My cold dead fingers will have to be prized from this bus!
James May: The only way I'm leaving this bus is without this arm.
Richard Hammond: Once in a man's life...
James May: You've just got to do the right thing.
Jeremy Clarkson: You've got to stand up and say 'what a load of...'
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(The scene switches back to the news room to somewhere in Karventhin, where the ruling duo are reporting from)
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: I draw attention to the fuzzy handcuffs. I'm guessing they came out of James' dungeon?
Mečislavs Deben: They were probably from his special occasions drawer.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Along with leather tights, a belt, a cowboy hat, a tin of spam, a carbon-fibre-ended shoe horn & a 16 year old Bovril beef drink with added slippery egg white. Oh and a model train for good measure.
Mečislavs Deben: I thought that was your drawer?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: What? No!
Mečislavs Deben: Wait really?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: No, mine is the one full of the piles of cartoon & anime style AB/DL & Age Regression drawings I look at online in my free time. I do have a model train though.
Mečislavs Deben: I wish I hadn't asked.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Anyhow, would you like to talk about the blunders in our names that the Larxian reporter made?
Mečislavs Deben: Wait, you actually asked that? I have to say great job on improving your confidence in asserting what you want.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: I, er... ehm... appreciate it.
Mečislavs Deben: Take your time, process what happened.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: [sighs] Cheers Deben. I do try.
Mečislavs Deben: You're doing a fine job. We both know that an important part of being the Hertfordian/Jammbian Prime Minister is self-improvement.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: That we do.
Mečislavs Deben: Back to the street of conversation, we turned down Review Avenue earlier, I would not like to talk about it. That Mario man has royally peeved me off and I do not mean that as a pun.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: In that case then...
Mečislavs Deben: Are you worried about the leader meet-up?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Yeah to be honest I am. I'm already atrocious around people in general unless I've warmed up to them which only you, my family and maybe a few HNJEK athletes and government staff can lay claim to. I also want to go so I can prove myself as someone worthy of both commanding a nation and representing it in the Esferiad.
Mečislavs Deben: I know from experience how hard it is to get you to warm up to someone. I imagine you at maximum warmness to be clingy and even yandere-esque to that one person you warm up to in that manner. Also, you won gold last time so you have nothing to worry about on the Esferiad front okay. You and me both earned our place in the HNJEK fairly, don't let anyone tell you or me otherwise.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Alright, I see. That is correct, we did earn our places here and I won't let that be forgotten. I vow to perform the best I can and aim for Javelin Throw gold once more. On the other point, that would be a realistic depiction of me if such a situation ever arose, I do think. I'm the sort of guy who will be completely cold to everyone but then super clingy to one specific person, whether it be mentor figure, crush, even a fellow national leader though the latter has a chance of next to zero. Not sure on the yandere-esque part as you're claiming though.
Mečislavs Deben: Shall we return to the topic?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Yes we shall. I already struggle astronomically with people in general. It's worse this time round because it is a meet-up of national leaders. Petrovikan, Dominic, Carnet, Salazar, Nazhim, Giovanni, freaking Marcarius(!) and more are all going to be there.
Mečislavs Deben: It's okay Furutani, I'll help you get accustomed to the dignitaries and then leave you to your own devices. We can talk about Conversation Street, how other countries are doing with autism acceptance, personality theory and all that. Does that sound good?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Cheers, I know I don't ever say this but this sort of thing does mean a lot to me.
Mečislavs Deben: Anytime, it's the least I could do as His Majesty the Tsar of Hertfordshire & Jammbo. Now then, shall we go?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Yeah, let me just quickly put the event schedule for Day 5 up. We can let Kramer perform the athlete analysis later in the events.
Day 5 Event Schedule
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 200m Butterfly Swimming Sentinel "Prime" Putniņš, Samson Myroshnychenko, Shuichi Salmiņš 1,500m Track Afuro Tytarenko, Judai Yakymchuk, Tommy Venev Field Long Jump Mamoru Endziņš, Yuuto Kreslīns Equestrian Individual Jumping Jolyne Cishisheva, Miko Tymchuk Park Skateboarding Seiko Skudra, Chihiro Freimanis Tennis Doubles Stage 1 Dio Burluka + Faust Ḩarełeudeiem, Sakuya Ivanova + Kaguya Hadjiivanovasan Baseball Matchday 5 Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Matchday 5 Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Matchday 5 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Matchday 5 Hertfordia Basketball Handball Matchday 1 Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Matchday 1 Hertfordia Lacrosse The pair, with Jammbonevych Furutani reassured, left the station and got into their very own luxury car that they themselves own (no security firm here) and left for the leader meet-up. As for the trio of hosts, they ended up running away. Perhaps they should leave protests to the professionals. Now we say goodbye. Some say we are dead but the Tsar is too afraid to tell us, and that we can open a portable news station with our testes. All we know is, we're going to the Verkhovna Anglia now to look in Clarkov's special occasions drawer and that we're the HNJEK. Goodnight!
- embubbleblue, Giovanniland, Saint Mark and 4 others
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 5: Science Corner
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello and welcome to the 5th episode of The Bauhaus Novel and we have been working to provide possibly the most difficult episode to produce in this entire stations existence.
Richard Hammond: Anyway, shut up, because now it is time to plant a bouquet of chat, following a collision of debate, outside the primary school on Conversation Street.
The Conversation Street jingle plays as May shoots an arrow into Hammond's arm, much to his displeasure.
James May: Anyway, this episode will be focusing on athlete performance from days 1, 2 and 3.
Jeremy Clarkson: No James that's the next episode.
James May: Is it?
Jeremy Clarkson: Yes James, it is. This episode is actually not going to feature us two for very long.
James May: And why is that?
Jeremy Clarkson: If you'll remember, the three of us decided that we also wanted to compile how above or below expectations our HNJEK athletes have performed and see who really is the most impressive.
James May: Ah yes, I remember now. We couldn't get it done in time, so this current episode had to be released now instead of before Day 3's events. That also means that we'll be unleashing day 3's event schedule on the viewers even though they already know what happened.
Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah but who's going to complain? I mean, how hard can it be?
Richard Hammond: Don't say that!
Jeremy Clarkson: So, over now to Richard Hammond in the Science Corner.
James May: I'd like to clarify as the voice of sensibleness here that the following content is only of day 1 and of dubious quality and has some errors related to leaving things that should have been cut out in.
Artistic Swimming
Spoiler200m Freestyle Swimming
Spoiler
Individual Archery
Spoiler
Equestrian Individual Dressage
Spoiler
One-Person Dinghy Sailing
Spoiler
10m Air Pistol Shooting
Spoiler
Individual Taekwondo
Spoiler
Water Polo
Spoiler
Baseball
Spoiler
Basketball
Spoiler
Beach Volleyball
Spoiler
Richard Hammond: Thank you Jeremy, now this is really quite simple. Okay, understeer works like this: you drive down the road, you turn the wheel but the car goes straight on, crashes into a tree and you die. Oversteer works like this: you drive down the same bit of road, turn the wheel but the back of the car flips round and you go off the road, crash into a tree and you die. Now oversteer is best because you don't see the tree that kills you.
Jeremy Clarkson: Hammond. What was that?
Richard Hammond: That was important consumer advice.
Jeremy Clarkson: Was it?
James May: To be fair he did put the actual Science Corner content on the screen so viewers can look at that while he tells us about what made his career successful.
Richard Hammond: Yes. Hahahaha. [Sarcastic fake laugh]
James May: Open ticket!
Jeremy Clarkson: Yes, now I'll end if I may by showing not just the events of Day 4 but also the events of Day 3.
Richard Hammond: We will not be showing rank comparisons of Day 2 because we can't be bothered. Day 3 may be cancelled too depending on the time we have as we have something very important to do later.
Jeremy Clarkson: Yes we do so there will be no episode 6.
James May: Why don't we just do that when we come back?
Jeremy Clarkson: Because I just said there wouldn't be one.
Richard Hammond: So this is a dictatorship now.
James May: You say that as if it hasn't always been a dictatorship.
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh it doesn't matter. Goodnight everyone!
Day 3 Event Schedule (Done Already)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 200m Backstroke Swimming Ryuga Krieviņš, Derek Sokolov, Hecatia Lukanova 100m Track Nile Hadjiev, Lemres Romanov, Endeavour Medvid Field High Jump Ivo Rudzītis, Peko Pekyneva Equestrian Individual Eventing Armando Slobodyan, Kazemaru Ivanenko Multihull Sailing Tooru Lukanov + Eiki Sproģe Trap Shooting Patchouli Knalide, Rococo Uradulov Individual Judo Stage 1 Bernard Girikananov, Funny Ṽalentain Tennis Singles Finals Mina Medne, Feli Petruk Baseball Matchday 3 Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Matchday 3 Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Matchday 3 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Matchday 3 Hertfordia Basketball Day 4 Event Schedule (Coming Up)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 10m Platform Diving Tanukichi Osis, Ryo D. Lait 200m Breastroke Swimming Makoto Nankov, Jean Dombrovskis, Eve Myroshnychenko 400m Track Jotaro Kishishev, Gingka Hristov, Jeremy Clarkson Field Pole Vault Freddie Ṁḙkjeri, Ayame Kraule Equestrian Team Eventing Hertfordshire & Jammbo Equestrian Eventing Team Single Sculls Rowing Mizore Savenko, Dr. Ziggurat, Dharkon Tumsa Individual Judo Finals Funny Ṽalentain Baseball Matchday 4 Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Matchday 4 Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Matchday 4 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Matchday 4 Hertfordia Basketball John Kramer, the only news station member left in the room, wonders what Clarkson, Hammond & May have planned for later and whether he will need to break out his traps and Billy the Puppet to apprehend them. Well if that does happen, someone is getting a grievous injury induced by karma or whatever John tries to justify himself with. Episode 6 will not go ahead, unless a miracle occurs, so we will decommission for the day. Some say that if you insult our reporting, Hammond will headbutt you in the chest, and that if you tune your radio to 666 FM you can actually hear our thoughts. All we know is, we're the HNJEK. See you next time, goodnight!
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 4: Character Roster
The Conversation Street jingle plays while a silhouette image shows Hammond hitting Clarkson over the head with a bottle. Clarkson later said "that really hurt, just to be absolutely clear with you that really really hurt". Yeah, the intro froze before the good bit, sorry.
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello and welcome to a special edition of The Bauhaus Novel. Actually, hang on, why is it special?
James May: It's special because you two won't be around to be in it.
Richard Hammond: Hang on, what?
Jeremy Clarkson: James, is there any way in which we can help?
James May: I know how you can help me, why don't you two go away?
Richard Hammond: Oooooo, alright.
Jeremy Clarkson: Alright fine, we'll leave you to it.
James May: Thank you.
Jeremy & Richard eventually leave James to it, but not before mucking about with a car's onboard camera. Yeah, we're filming this one outside.
James May: Alright, now that we're alone viewers, it's good news! I have managed to get the HNJEK character roster (it's actually athlete roster but who cares?) ready for publication. Admittedly, the images proved much too large for the station to take originally so the quality is a bit ham-fisted. Now who's ready to see it, actually don't answer that I'm sure you all are. So this is goodbye from me but I'll still be here if any questions come through the fax machine. In the next episode, we shall be introducing a brand new feature headed by Richard Hammond. Take care, goodbye.
So May got his alone time in the end, as brief as it was because Clarkson & Hammond burst in to mock him for his slowness and need to put 6 hour pre-flight checks on everything. Either way, time to depart for the time being. Some say we know why Blue Bubble have utterly dominated this Esferiad so far... but we don't, and that we also know how Arifiyyah have managed to report from our Prime Minister... but again we don't. All we know is, we're the HNJEK and we bid you farewell.
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 3: Review of Day 1
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello and welcome to the newly named news department of the HNJEK, The Bauhaus Novel!
Richard Hammond: Yes, we have a refurbished new look including quotes from certain athletes taking part for our country and we will kick things off with a bang! So now let's all check our mirrors, and make a smooth left into Conversation Street. [cheeky smile holding back laughter]
The Conversation Street jingle plays. It is a very jazzy jingle.
Jeremy Clarkson: Why was I in high heels?
Richard Hammond: Oh, you must have gone through James' shoes by mistake.
Jeremy Clarkson: *slowly descends into laughter*
James May: I heard that you pillocks!
Richard Hammond: Did we say you could speak?
Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah, honestly James, you need to hurry up with the roster, now back to work.
James May: *light grumbling*
Jeremy Clarkson: Right, now where were we?
Richard Hammond: We were going to reveal the results of each athlete and team on Day 1. We won 1 gold with Rantaro Antonenko setting a new record in Equestrian Individual Dressage while both sharpshooter Ringo Romanyuk, former mafia boss Diavolo Kucherenko and our Artistic Swimming team all came agonisingly close to winning medals as well. Interestingly co-hosts Blue Bubble took all 3 podium places in 10m Air Pistol Shooting and since Hertfordshire & Jammbo is a nation that likes to challenge the dominance-quo so to speak, Ringo being beaten by just 0.4 points by Meklit Guntur really hurt.
Jeremy Clarkson: Hmm, yeah, but no matter, for we shall do better in the following days!
Richard Hammond: That I hope we shall, so Jeremy, where are the results files?
Jeremy Clarkson: Ah, well, you see...
Richard Hammond: Oh god.
Jeremy Clarkson: Me and Kramer were so busy sorting out the new format for our news show that we kind of forgot to actually do the results files. So I think we're going to have to do those tomorrow.
James May: What did I tell you Richard? I knew Jeremy would cock up at some point.
Richard Hammond: Amazingly, I actually regret not listening to your advice.
James May: Your kind words are received in full.
Richard Hammond: Anyway, that is the end of Conversation Street. We were going to have it longer but a certain shaved ape in a shirt can't do paperwork or manual labour.
Jeremy Clarkson: I'm allergic to manual labour, you know that.
James May: Shut up Jeremy.
Richard Hammond: Keep watching the screen for the events and Hertfordian/Jammbian participants of Day 2. Until next time, goodbye!
James May: Oh chaps, hang on, I finally completed the character roster!
Richard Hammond: About time!
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 3m Springboard Diving Jack Borisov, Gankyo Kostova 1,500m Freestyle Swimming King Valchev, Hank Hordiyenko, Jonathan Deeustä Equestrian Team Dressage Rantaro Antonenko + Klug Nankov Windsurfing Sailing Zeo Ȩbis, Suu Strashilova 10m Air Rifle Shooting Karen Kovalenko, Rita Dacheva Tennis Singles Stage 1 Mina Medne, Feli Petruk Individual Taekwondo Finals Naho Sotirova, Vekar Griķis Baseball Matchday 2 Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Matchday 2 Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Matchday 2 Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Matchday 2 Hertfordia Basketball The schedule for Day 2 is here displayed on the screen. The organizers remembered to put Basketball in the correct slots this time so that's good.
So with James correcting his blunder and Jeremy swiftly replacing it with his own, the wait was now on for what Richard would mess up. We all know the wait won't be long. Now let's move on to leaving for the day. Some say that our files can dance like today's Conversation Street intro, and that Prince Marcarius uses our floor tiles for his transports brakes...
Richard Hammond: You're making this stuff up mate! Wha-
Jeremy Clarkson: That's what you do. To get in the papers, you just make up statistics, they get printed and you sound really good.
...O...kay then. Anyway, all we know is, we're probably being sued for libel. Goodnight!
"Welcome... to the real man's world." - Ringo Romanyuk
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Monday 25th October 1421 - Häřtferdsierndeambeu Esferied Kęmiti - Review of the II Summer Esferiad opening ceremony
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello and welcome to a very haphazard broadcast of the II Summer Esferiad. Now we weren't meant to start reporting until this had been completed but well...
Richard Hammond: I'll handle this Jeremy. So basically for those of you who are watching James, or Captain Slow as we call him, decided to take charge of sorting out our character roster and he hasn't finished.
Jeremy Clarkson: No, not even close. So me and Richard have told him to go away and do it quicker.
Richard Hammond: I doubt he will though.
Jeremy Clarkson: I'd have to agree with you there.
Richard Hammond: What this means is we can't give you a full live report on the opening ceremony.
Jeremy Clarkson: What we can do however is reveal a few details as to Hertfordshire & Jammbo's presence at the ceremony.
The blazers that were worn by the HNJEK members at the opening ceremony. The ice blue one is the main blazer worn by the athletes, while the sea green one is a special blazer worn by Clarkson, Hammond, May & Kramer to distinguish them as reporters on the games.
Richard Hammond: If you look at the picture on the screen you can see the ice blue blazer that our athletes wear and the sea green blazer worn by us hosts here in the HNJEK news quarters.
Jeremy Clarkson: Now I'm told that these represent the predominantly taiga climate that Hertfordshire & Jammbo resides in, but I can't make out how that is.
Richard Hammond: That's because you're a Neanderthal.
Jeremy Clarkson: Whatever, shall we tune in to the ceremony now? That was rhetorical by the way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhSHXGM7kgE
The tune to which HNJEK athletes marched out at the opening ceremony.
Jeremy Clarkson: As you can see there are simply way too many athletes to do any individual focus on and by what I'm getting others seem to think that too.
Richard Hammond: Yes Jeremy, in fact I believe I have spotted a phone insult match between an archer of Blue Bubble and his nation-leading sister that mentions 'Jambo'. God, his spelling could do with an upgrade.
Jeremy Clarkson: I'm just confused as to how you got that footage with no one noticing especially when we're up here and they're all down there.
Richard Hammond: Local radio techniques, I know the whole lot. I just lurk around with my secret neck tie camera... that isn't a secret anymore, ah.
Jeremy Clarkson: So you've been spying on random strangers for news.
Richard Hammond: Well that's what you're meant to do!
Jeremy Clarkson: Hmm, I think that tells us a lot there.
Richard Hammond: I know more about broadcasting than you, I was on top of it.
Jeremy Clarkson: Okay audience you're all live on our special HNJEK tally chart now, so hands up if you think that Richard has been a paparazzi.
(The hands up column reaches a staggering 97% percent)
Jeremy Clarkson: So there we are viewers, Richard Hammond is a stalker.
Richard Hammond: What?! [confused exasperated tone]
Jeremy Clarkson: And on that note, we'll stop talking now so enjoy the rest of the broadcast without us bleating every second of it.
Richard Hammond: Yes, thanks for watching and goodbye. Now then, where's James?
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Artistic Swimming Hertfordshire and Jammbo Artistic Swimming Association 200m Freestyle Swimming Doppio Kostov, Josuke Honcharuk, Isaac Myroshnychenko Individual Archery Patrick Manev, Phoenix Rait Equestrian Individual Dressage Rantaro Antonenko, Klug Nankov One-Person Dinghy Sailing Diavolo Kucherenko, Franziska van Kirilova 10m Air Pistol Shooting Yukari Yaremenko, Ringo Romanyuk Individual Taekwondo Stage 1 Naho Sotirova, Vekar Griķis Water Polo Matchday 1 Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team Baseball Matchday 1 Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Matchday 1 Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen The schedule, at least it should be, for Day 1 of Summer Esferiad II.
As you'd expect, James still hadn't finished his important job. Hurry up man! In the meantime it's now time to hand over to the silent news department. Some say that they have no understanding of timing, and that their walls taste like pistachio ice cream. All we know is, they are the HNJEK.
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Sunday 24th October 1421 - Häřtferdsierndeambeu Esferied Kęmiti Preview of the II Summer Esferiad (Quoriv & Karventhin)
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello and welcome to what is the 2nd time you've seen the Häřtferdsierndeambeu Esferied Kęmiti do news because we aren't going to let some news station or the government do the reporting. Yes, we know we are the olympic committee themselves but our track record for reliable pro-H&J reporting (yes, they can go hand-in-hand) is like that of a 5 star hotel. So everything is fine on the accuracy end. Now where were we... oh yes. Let us begin from the top.
Richard Hammond: Yes we shall.
Jeremy Clarkson: Wha- Hammond!
Richard Hammond: Hello & welcome, we are Hertfordshire & Jammbo's Olympic Committee, let us introduce ourselves. We are your hosts Clarkson, Hammond & May. Even though we are competing in the Esferiad too, we also do the reporting alongside our editor John Kramer.
John Kramer: We hope you appreciate the effort put into this and indeed the life you live, otherwise you might find yourself valuing your life just that much more.
Richard Hammond: John, we aren't putting people into your karmic death traps.
John Kramer: The sinners of society need to learn somehow.
A picture of the three hosts of coverage of Hertfordshire & Jammbo's efforts at Summer Esferiad II. John Kramer, the editor, is not pictured. He said he had to sort something out.
Richard Hammond: Anyway, you join us on Lavender Island, just off the north-east coast of our home continent Andolia so this is far closer to home than the first Esferiad which took place all the way up in St. Josalyn, Cambria. Lavender Island is home to the nations of Blue Bubble...
James May: It's called Glenpavia, Richard.
Richard Hammond: ...and Giovanniland.
Jeremy Clarkson: Regardless of their name, we have brought in 150 official entrants, though the real number thanks to team activities is higher than that.
James May: Quoriv in Giovanniland & Karventhin in Glenpavia are the two host cities in this joint effort by two Auran nations who have a long & storied history with each other. But I'm sure they can explain it all themselves.
Jeremy Clarkson: If you will recall at the first Summer Esferiad, we performed much better than anyone was expecting, ranking as the third best nation that time round.
Richard Hammond: That's right. The only two able to perform on a superior level to us and it was a narrow margin were Cambria & their national brothers Nieubasria, the Astor duo. I also seem to recall that I won gold in lightweight boxing back then.
James May: So you'll be attempting to defend your title?
Richard Hammond: Yep!
James May: And what if you fail?
Jeremy Clarkson: He'll die of shame and I'll die laughing.
Richard Hammond: Heheh, yeah.
Jeremy Clarkson: Well unfortunately we don't have time to show you the roster just yet, but we are working to provide the highest quality roster sheet we can muster.
James May: Which, considering it's us three, isn't really the highest standard.
Jeremy Clarkson: No you're right, I mean, in the eyes of somewhere like Saint Mark or another similarly high brow nation, our version of highest quality is their version of peasantry.
Richard Hammond: Everything is peasantry to them!
James May: Well, that's not strictly true but...
Jeremy Clarkson: Sorry James, we don't have enough time for one of your lectures so we'll end it there. Thank you so much for watching and, er, goodnight!
Richard Hammond: Er, Jeremy, where's John?
A small squeaking can be heard in the distance, just outside the HNJEK headquarters at the outside lavatory.
Billy: I want to play a game. [spoken in the distance]
Richard Hammond: Oh no.
James May: I'll go sort it out.
Richard Hammond: Has Kramer seriously gone and put opposition athletes, or even our own, into one of his traps?
Jeremy Clarkson: Maybe it's unrelated to him, although that would not surprise me given his twisted sense of justice.
Richard Hammond: I've just had a thought, what if Marcarius or one of his aides...
Jeremy Clarkson: Butlers & maids.
Richard Hammond: Yeah, butlers & maids.
James May: Rich poncey pillocks.
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh, you're back. Any luck?
John Kramer: Alright, I've de-activated Billy. I don't condone putting innocent people into my traps. That is akin to murder.
James May: Like that's going to reassure everyone.
Jeremy Clarkson: Back to the aristocrat, I very much doubt that would be possible, that man's going to have the highest level security imaginable. Now if I might make a suggestion... run!
Richard Hammond: Running away. Disclaimer, we weren't involved in whatever John was doing!
Well, that debacle happened. We hope to see you lot again soon for more insulting of other nations and general cocking about. In the meantime, let us send off in the usual fashion. Some say our athletes have been found as far north as Avaratra, and that we have a full size Esferiad logo on an Esferiad logo. All we know is, we are the HNJEK. Goodbye!
- Giovanniland, embubbleblue, Orandia and 5 others
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8
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On 10/11/2021 at 1:09 AM, Clarkov said:
The Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire & Jammbo will hereby note Esferiad II of its desire to take part for the 2nd year running. A completed sign up form is pending.
Signed by Mečislavs Deben, Tsar of the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire & Jammbo and by Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani 'Clarkson', Prime Minister of the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire & Jammbo.
As of 00:42 AMT/01:42 OT, Hertfordshire & Jammbo has managed to complete its roster and has forwarded it to the appropriate Esferiad authorities.
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The Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire & Jammbo will hereby note Esferiad II of its desire to take part for the 2nd year running. A completed sign up form is pending.
Signed by Mečislavs Deben, Tsar of the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire & Jammbo and by Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani 'Clarkson', Prime Minister of the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire & Jammbo.
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T20 World Cup Matchday 8 - Review - Victory
166/7 (20 overs)
137/7 (20 overs)
Hertfordia Heathens won against United Adaikes Steelbats by 29 runs
Batting Name + Method of Dismissal Runs Bats Fours Sixes Faust Ḩarełeudeiem 39 24 2 3 Run out Lisa Lazarenko 70 39 15 1 Bowled Diego Adamov 27 24 1 1 Run out Naho Sotirova 3 6 0 0 Bowled
Đe Kaiser 16 12 0 1 Run out Rago Niedra 6 4 0 1 Caught Dynamis Dudka 2 6 0 0 Caught Richard Hammond 3 4 0 0 Not out Scorers of Wickets:
Reimu Hadjieva (5), Ryosuke Tīrelis (2)
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem - How fitting that on the final match, the captain is the one that batted first. He actually done rather well too. Once this is said and done he's likely to try and inquire more about the world and how it works, given that he was used as a test subject by Ziggurat during the Spiral Force Crisis.
Lisa Lazarenko - Leaving your best performance to the most important match is a genius move. No wonder it was Lisa that pulled just that move then. Mind you, another theory is that Faust orchestrated the entire thing in order to ensure victory. Whichever theory is correct, both Lisa and Faust had masterstrokes in this all-important game.
Diego Adamov - Diego is here again and this time he actually done something worthwhile. 27 runs until he finally became dismissed and had to leave the field, which he was okay with. He is a coffee addict after all with a cool tone and sharp tongue. Seriously though, how has he had no health complications?
Naho Sotirova - Perhaps for the first time in the T20 World Cup, Naho proved to be utterly useless in the match. It is hard to pinpoint what went wrong for her, but maybe she felt a bit too confident about HNDK's chances. If that attitude had been shared by the rest of the team, then the Steelbats would have claimed the trophy. She seemed preoccupied with searching for someone. To us and to you watching, the 'someone' should be obvious.
Đe Kaiser - Not content with remaking his legend on the sporting stage, Kaiser decided that he had to get at least a small amount of bats in the final in order to put the cherry in top of his revival cake. 'The Emperor's' legacy is rebuilding itself on the back of T20, which must delight him a fair bit. A fighting machine has found it's second wind.
Rago Niedra - Why are we not surprised? Of course Rago, the Child of the Black Sun, is on the scoresheet. We no longer have anything meaningful to say about this man, quite frankly all we want to do is avoid him. No one wants a man that worships some kind of destroyer god bent on wiping out literally everything in existence anywhere near them, goodness knows how the rest of HNDK coped with it.
Dynamis Dudka - Rub it in, why don't you?! Dynamis chipped in with a measly 2 but we got the underlying feeling that he was doing that emphasise that he was about to be right about the HNDK T20 World Cup victory being the will of the heavens. This does nothing for our credibility, we kind of swept it aside as nonsensical drivel. But now this claim has been proven entirely correct. Does that mean that the heavens really do have a will? Add that to the list of rhetorical questions.
Richard Hammond - The Hamster has the honour of being the final player for HNDK to not be dismissed by the opposition. Nothing else needs to be said, for he now has a great tool with which to brag to Clarkson and May.
Huh. That happened. No proper math summary here, why would there be? Hertfordshire and Jammbo can now add the T20 World Cup title to their ever growing list of sporting achievements. So instead, we shall fill you all in on the team awards. Keep in mind that these are team awards and not tournament awards. The President of Cricket Larxia handed the Best Bowler and Best Batter awards to two of his own teams players, while the Player of the Tournament award went to a member of the United Adaikes team. You know, the team that lost to our lot. Safe to say that coach Maxie Mazurenko and assistant coach Eirin Yaneva were utterly livid that none of their players had won an award, while Tsar Mečislavs I and Prime Minister Clarkov protested the lack of a Best Coach award, which they feel should have gone to the HNDK's own. The Magma Leader and the Hourai Pharmacist promised to introduce HNDK's own awards system so their players weren't left out of the glory. Even though they had won the tournament, the pair felt that it was the least they could do as a reward for the phenomenal efforts put in by all of the Heathens/Snowstorm/Shrine Maidens crew.
Note: Ties are broken by how spread out the scoring in the category is. The more spread out it is, the better.
Grand Duke's Award for Best Individual Score Derek Sokolov
102 runs (vs. Blue Bubble)
Patchouli Knalide
119 runs (vs. Zoran)
Lisa Lazarenko
70 runs (vs. United Adaikes)
St. Severjans Award for Most Fours Patchouli Knalide
17 Fours
Lisa Lazarenko
21 Fours
Rago Niedra
16 Fours
Deben Bridge Award for Most Sixes Patchouli Knalide
8 Sixes
Derek Sokolov
8 Sixes
Rago Niedra
7 Sixes
Blackheath Award for Best Bowler Patrick Manev
6 Wickets
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem
11 Wickets
Derek Sokolov
6 Wickets
Golden Rose Award for Best Batter Patchouli Knalide
170 runs, 1.604 runs/bat
Derek Sokolov
148 runs, 1.805 runs/bat
Rago Niedra
168 runs, 1.600 runs/bat
Tsar's Award for Player of the Tournament Faust Ḩarełeudeiem
Co-efficient: 5.6
Patchouli Knalide
Co-efficient: 4.6
Lisa Lazarenko
Co-efficient: 6.4
Award Count
Patchouli Knalide: 1st = 2 | 2nd = 3 | 3rd = 0
Derek Sokolov: 1st = 2 | 2nd = 1 | 3rd = 1
Lisa Lazarenko: 1st = 1 | 2nd = 0 | 3rd = 2
Rago Niedra: 1st = 0 | 2nd = 0 | 3rd = 3
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: 1st = 1 | 2nd = 1 | 3rd = 0
Patrick Manev: 1st = 0 | 2nd = 1 | 3rd = 0
With that all out of the way, let us present our final set of insults to the teams of the tournament, as this grand T20 World Cup finally comes to a close. Here goes noth...
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T20 World Cup Matchday 7 - Review - Victory
99 (16.4 overs)
103/7 (11.1 overs)
Hertfordia Snowstorm won against The Bounty Hunters by 3 wickets
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes
Patchouli Knalide 5 7 0 0 Run out Ryosuke Tīrelis 2 4 0 0 Run out Derek Sokolov 24 13 4 1 Caught Lisa Lazarenko 35 17 5 2 LBW (Leg Before Wicket)
Reimu Hadjieva 30 15 4 2 Run out Patrick Manev 2 6 0 0 LBW (Leg Before Wicket) Rago Niedra 1 4 0 0 Caught Richard Hammond 4 1 1 0 Not out Scorers of Wickets:
Naho Sotirova (2), Robert Cherganski (2), Dynamis Dudka (4), Kyosuke Miķelsons (1), Yomiel Stasyuk (1)
Patchouli Knalide - Okay, we would just like to point out how we are running out of ways to express our collective surprise at Patchouli becoming a regular on the HNDK scoresheet. Honestly, how can someone with asthma, anaemia & vitamin A deficiency out-do the majority of her for the most part completely healthy teammates? Even with this terribly low score she still never ceases to surprise.
Ryosuke Tīrelis - If this pitifully low score of 2 says anything, it is that this match was not an individual affair. For even this score was key to helping HNDK to victory over fellow Andolian nation Fhaengshia. If cricket teams allowed for Ryosuke's SAVANNA RX-7 ∞ III (FC3S) to be driven on the pitch for him to use as a bat, he would have a higher run score in this game. But that is among the highest echelons of ridiculousness.
Derek Sokolov - Someone remind us why the surgeon, a man working in a job that heals other people, is one of the better performers in a sport where the goal is for lack of a better term to harm the opposition. If Patchy isn't the surprise then Derek is. He says there is no such thing as an untreatable wound, or an incurable disease. Well, if he has taught us one thing, it's that there is no such thing as normalcy on this or any Hertfordshire and Jammbo sports team.
Lisa Lazarenko - The highest scorer in this match for HNDK already proved some time ago that being good at cricket isn't just down to raw strength or skill. Sometimes it merely requires an abnormally high level of intelligence (as Eirin and others can attest to) in order to truly stand out. It all makes perfect sense. Well, almost all of it. The one part that doesn't make sense is that she was dismissed through LBW even though Lisa is to Richard Hammond what Richard Hammond is to Jeremy Clarkson. In other words, she is small.
Reimu Hadjieva - The shrine maiden is back again, and this time she actually has managed to collect some donations. It is such a rare occurrence that she felt extra motivated to do well and so she did, being the second highest scorer for HNDK in this match. Because she spent so long in the shrine her legs were a bit more tired than usual and thus it came as no surprise to find that she became dismissed after being run out. Oh well, she could count the donations while off the pitch. Reimu did just that.
Patrick Manev - At this point the scores are back to being pitiful, but that hardly matters. Derek was on the frontlines when Patrick tried to unleash a man-made group of viruses into the country as a means to find a way to awaken his comatose wife. That is just desperate, no wonder he took mental health sessions afterwards. The comatose one has shown signs of waking up soon, which will please the Hand of Asclepius to no end. Don't worry, he's not a madman anymore, but this news could explain the awful score of 2.
Rago Niedra - Predictable. It seems we can't ever go a single match (we can) without having to mention Rago. This time, it is for the wrong reasons as he scored a solitary run before being caught out. Great job there mate.
Richard Hammond - Glory stealer. He comes on when the scores are all tied at 99 runs each on the second innings. He then scores the four that wins HNDK the match and books the place in the T20 World Cup Final. Commence Hammond being a sore winner, much to the dismay and/or humour of most of his teammates.
Ah bliss, the sweet sight of the King's Circle Stadium. Oh sorry, we daydreamed a bit there. If you hadn't already deduced, this report is being filmed in our news lorry on the way to the stadium in Larxian capital New Larxia where the final of the T20 World Cup will be held. Hertfordshire and Jammbo's representative team, the Hertfordia Heathens/Snowstorm/Shrine Maidens, have successfully made their way to the grand finale of this tournament. They have won hard fought victories over some and utterly hammered others. They have set records along the way both individually and as a team. Truly, optimism among the fans of this nation could hardly be higher but in just a select few hours HNDK will face the most important match of it's time here in Larxia. The opponents for the final are the representatives for the Eastern Polaris nation United Adaikes, the United Adaikes Steelbats. On their journey to this match they have chocked up 5 wins and 2 losses in this pattern: LWWWWLW. On the other hand, our own HNDK has won 6 matches and lost 1 in the following pattern: LWWWWWW. Very similar records then, although HNDK are on a 6 match winning streak while UAS have won 5 of their last 6 matches, their defeat to Fhaengshia denting that slightly but not too badly. Fhaengshia of course are the team that HNDK defeated in the most recent match of theirs (you should know, you're watching/reading a report of it), so now we are starting to understand why fans of the Hertfordshire and Jammbo T20 World Cup effort are holding their optimism. Don't get cocky though, that won't help at all. Now let us say that this win was a team effort more than anything. No player was outstanding, but all of them put in a tandem performance to complete the surprisingly easy job of surpassing the Fhaengshia first innings score of 99. Yes, really, 99. HNDK got the RCA all out for 99 in 16.4 overs. No wonder it required just 11.1 overs to beat them though the high number of dismissals did give a small fright. Now then, onto the final matches. The third place match will be between Northern Andolian nation and purveyors of gibberish Fhaengshia's representatives who are called The Bounty Hunters, and Western Andolian nation and tournament host Larxia's representatives who simply go by Cricket Larxia. The final will be played as you know between Eastern Polaris nation and occasional fantasy animal inventors United Adaikes representatives United Adaikes Steelbats, and Eastern Andolian nation and literal middle of scenic nowhere Hertfordshire and Jammbo's representatives Hertfordia Heathens. One final note before we switch to the ritual of insults in results, HNDK decided to set the name change structure for themselves in reverse. This is so they can call themselves the Hertfordia Heathens in the final for this is the most popular chosen name among Hertfordian/Jammbian cricket fans. This is why they called themselves Hertfordia Snowstorm for this Semi-Final win over Fhaengshia. The T20 World Cup Final is imminent, may the goddess of victory smile upon our native land for the upcoming match.
Matchday 7 - Results
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Semi-Finals
No Gold Buried Under This X For You - 99 (16.4 overs)* [Qualified for T20 World Cup 3rd Place Match]
The Land Of No Return - 103/7 (11.1 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup Final]
Being The Host Never Means Automatic Victory - 131/2 (20 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup 3rd Place Match]
Name Idea Thieves (Hang On, Since When?) - 135/9 (17 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup Final]
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* = Fhaengshia never submitted an official logo for their cricket team.
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T20 World Cup Matchday 6 - Review - Victory
208/2 (20 overs)
130/7 (20 overs)
Hertfordia Shrine Maidens won against Zoran by 78 runs
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes Patchouli Knalide 119 75 10 6 Not out Isaac Myroshnychenko 31 15 3 3 Caught Robert Cherganski 40 17 1 5 LBW (Leg Before Wicket) Diego Adamov 4 5 1 0 Not out Naho Sotirova 14 8 2 1 Not out Scorers of Wickets:
Derek Sokolov (6), Faust Ḩarełeudeiem (1)
Patchouli Knalide - Everyone's favourite anaemic librarian. If anyone questions why a blatantly sick person was allowed into HNDK, then eat your words this instant because she's only gone and broken the record for most runs by a HNDK player this tournament. She might just have scored the most runs out of any player during a match in the T20 World Cup full stop. Earning a century is hard enough, let alone breaking at least 1 record. Hats off to the Unmoving Great Library!
Isaac Myroshnychenko - This is the midget of HNDK & considering that they have Hammond on the team this is saying something. Perhaps that is why after 15 bats he finally got dismissed, his smol legs simply couldn't take him the distance. Oh wait, he was caught out. This is slightly awkward for us in the editing room.
Robert Cherganski - This man seems rich, he is actually poor. He seems perfectly normal, he has a habit of twirling around which is abnormal. Never mind all that, he put in a very decent performance on the pitch. 40 runs is not bad at all, too bad Patchouli had to blow everyone out of the water in HNDK's clobbering of Zoran.
Diego Adamov - Meet the new performance, same as the old performance. Much like last time, this man came on right near the end, scored a few runs and then popped right off again to finish his favourite blend of coffee. He drinks 17 cups of coffee a day, you kno...
Fizzing and static followed by a long beep and a colourful screen.
Naho Sotirova - Professional and cold around almost everyone, the complete opposite when around mentor Karapetrov or closest colleague Orlov, despite appearances this person can turn it on when it counts. She made her mark, albeit a small one, in the match against Zoran. Every little counts.
Well this went well. Just when we thought it couldn't get any better, HNDK go along and do that to Zoran. With a whopping 208 runs, it was the most runs scored by any team in a single T20 World Cup match. Certainly it was helped by a certain ill librarian defying all expectations and putting on the game of her life by breaking the record for most runs by a single HNDK player in a T20 World Cup match. She might even have broken the record for most runs scored by any player in a single T20 World Cup match outright. If so, then welcome to the halls of cricket history surely. With this crushing win HNDK reaffirm their place as the top team in Super 8 Group 1. We did not need to perform like this at all, but even when complacency was fine we still told the concept to sod off. No matter what the match, HNDK will give 100% to the effort. If one loses because they weren't trying, that is unforgivable. Oh yeah and Derek utterly swept up shop in the wicket department so here's to hoping that he has broken the record for wickets by a single player in any T20 World Cup match. That really would add to the brilliance of this match. Enough about us, what about the other lot in this competition? Well, Larxia defeated Saint Mark somewhat comfortably to ensure that Aura was screwed over with both of it's remaining nations eliminated and sending the 2 Andolian nations there through. In Group 2, both Astorian nations were booted out. Even with Cambria's victory over Nieubasria, their Net Run Rate was too crummy to make a difference, courtesy of their defeat-on-the-back-of-tragedy against United Adaikes, who won their group even though they lost to Fhaengshia. This creates a case in which all 3 Andolian teams are in the Semi-Finals, with the last hopes of Polaris riding on United Adaikes and Aura's hopes having been extinguished completely by the despair of elimination. Results upcoming, more ideas for mockery abound.
Matchday 6 - Results
--------------------------------------------------
Super 8 - Group 1
We're Record Breakers, Take That World! - 208/2 (20 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup Semi-Finals]
We'll Ask Again, Who Won The Civil War?! - 130/7 (20 overs)* [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Upper Class Ponces - 136/9 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
A Great Empire {*Holds Back Laughter*} - 137/2 (13.5 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup Semi-Finals]
--------------------------------------------------
Super 8 - Group 2
Large Astor With The Polaris Superiority Complex - 138/7 (17.5 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Smol Astor With The National News No One Cares For - 135/5 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
No One Understands A Word They Say - 146/7 (20 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup Semi-Finals]
Failure Supposedly Results In Invasion - 134/3 (20 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup Semi-Finals]
--------------------------------------------------
* = Zoran & Fhaengshia have still not submitted official logos for their cricket team.
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T20 World Cup Matchday 5 - Review - Victory
153/7 (20 overs)
157/6 (18.1 overs)
Hertfordia Snowstorm won against Larxia by 4 wickets
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes
Isaac Myroshnychenko 51 26 0 4 Bowled Rago Niedra 56 42 4 0 Run out
Derek Sokolov 13 9 1 0 Bowled
Đe Kaiser 11 9 1 0 Caught Dynamis Dudka 5 5 0 0 Run out
Robert Cherganski 16 9 0 2 LBW (Leg Before Wicket)
Yomiel Stasyuk 4 6 0 0 Not out Diego Adamov 1 3 0 0 Not out Scorers of Wickets:
Yuuya Kovalchuk (1), Richard Hammond (1), Faust Ḩarełeudeiem (2), Patrick Manev (2), Patchouli Knalide (1)
Isaac Myroshnychenko - Spare a thought for this poor sod. If anyone on this team has had a traumatic past, it is him. For moral reasons we won't get into it but the point of the matter is he seems to have moved on from it quite well, judging by his solid performance against the hosts in this match.
Rago Niedra - What is it with Rago and constantly getting onto the scoresheet? We're starting to think at this point that our standout player is showing himself. It isn't decided yet, though when this is all said and done we will be comparing all the players to see who truly put in the best work. Seriously though, if Rago continues to perform like this, people are actually going to start following his Black Sun cult.
Derek Sokolov - The surgeon has returned from duty to make a slight impact on the match. Managing 13 runs, he might be destined for an unlucky day in the operating theatre in the near future. Either that or he'll mysteriously receive a bakers dozen of something. Let's hope neither occurs.
Đe Kaiser - The Emperor is back, and attempting to reclaim his former glory! For those who somehow haven't caught on, the name 'Đe Kaiser' translates to 'The Emperor'. Fitting in his heyday when he was actively dominating the sports of both cricket and boxing. Unfortunately he couldn't grasp the concept of retirement and continued on until his age finally became too much of a handicap, thus causing him to fall from grace in a spectacular way. Pretty much doomed in the boxing scene after infamously losing to a bunch of secondary school kids, the T20 World Cup of cricket is the last chance he has of restoring some honour to the legend that he once was.
Dynamis Dudka - Just as we asked this same rhetorical question pertaining to Rago, what is it with Dynamis and constantly getting onto the scoresheet? This one is less impressive, but somehow he manages to make it on even when having a bad performance. Call us crazy, but we might actually be starting to believe in the 'will of the heavens'. If anyone is watching who is a mental health practitioner, note down the names 'Damian Hadjiev, Frank Wezapad, Yoshikage Ķile' just in case we do need such a thing. If Dynamis is actually right about this then colour us shocked.
Robert Cherganski - Welcome back this person to the scoresheet. He is someone who you can never really be sure about. Is he always there or never there? Either way, Robert is someone so gentlemanly, you'd think he was from Saint Mark. But he isn't, which only proves that us lot from Hertfordshire and Jammbo are the 'gentleman of the countryside'. There are many more like him in the confederal kingdom.
Yomiel Stasyuk - The dead man walking. The statement to the left is false. The statement to the left is true. The statement to the right is true. We are probably struggling for good ideas at this point. As if we'd stop trying, that is not something we shall do. Besides, it's not as if Yomiel done much. He didn't need to, for the match was as good as won by the time he came on to bat arrived.
Diego Adamov - Not much to say. He came on near the end, earned 1 run, then immediately rushed back off the pitch before his coffee (blend #107) got cold.
This makes our situation even better than it already was. This win over Larxia marks not only the first defeat for the hosts in this tournament, but also grants Hertfordshire and Jammbo a spot in the Semi-Finals. HNDK are the first team to qualify for the next round and because of the head-to-head rule in the tiebreakers section, neither Larxia or Saint Mark can overtake them anymore. Combined with the fact that it is mathematically impossible for Zoran to catch up in the Group 1 table, it means that HNDK have won the group and will be using the final matchday of the Super 8 to see which teams will fill the other 3 Semi-Final slots remaining. When it comes to the performance, captain Faust won the toss and wisely chose to bowl, given the condition of the pitch. This certainly was much to the chagrin of Larxia's own Kohli. Larxia started well on bat, making it 82/2 at the 11th over. But then it started to fall apart as the vast expanse of quality from our fielders shone through with multiple managing to get at least 1 wicket. Faust and Patrick were the standout performers though they didn't stand out much, such was the collectively powerful effort that went in to silencing the Larxian batting regime. 20 minutes pass for the break between innings, after HNDK dismissed the maximum number of Larxian batters. Once the second innings arrived and HNDK had to bat, it soon became apparent that they were in a parallel yet opposite situation to the opponents. With just 45 runs scored in 7 overs, the likes of Derek, Kaiser, Dynamis and Robert all fell to the bowling of Larxian duo Bumrah and Rabada. From there however, HNDK went on a rampage scoring a further 112/2 to win the game with 1.9 overs remaining (11 bats). The man of the match was none other than Isaac Myroshnychenko, who received a small trophy thing that he will likely show his father when the team return home after the tournaments closure. Some money came too, but he agreed with coach Maxie and assistant coach Eirin to hand it over to funds pertaining to preventing casualties for the upcoming Storm Valeria set to hit New Larxia, the capital of the country that ours defeated in the cricket match being reported on right now. Now onto upcoming matches, and for Larxia this next one is crucial. They will be battling Saint Mark who also lost to Hertfordshire and Jammbo. King James of Larxia and Prince Marcarius of Saint Mark will be in attendance, plus rumours are going around that Tsar Mečislavs (just using this title only to avoid confusion with the local monarch) will also attend on his own, marking the first time he and Prime Minister Clarkov haven't gone to a T20 World Cup match together. In Group 2 things are very interesting. Although United Adaikes have the commanders seat in that group, being the ones to inflict on Cambria their first defeat (in the midst of a terrible event so no blaming Cambria for not being full on), any team could qualify for the next round. Not to mention that the Astoric Derby is coming up, where the fates of the T20 World Cup runs of both Cambria and Nieubasria are at stake. It seems certain that one will have to be sacrificed to the abyss of elimination. Without further ado, the results of the most recent matchday. You know the style by now.
Matchday 5 - Results
--------------------------------------------------
Super 8 - Group 1
Petty Squabbling, End At Once! - 143/7 (20 overs)* [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
The Centre Of The World - 145/2 (17.1 overs)
Storm Valeria Approaching, Get Out Of Its Path! - 153/7 (20 overs)
Affinity For Bowling First - 157/6 (18.1 overs)
--------------------------------------------------
Super 8 - Group 2
Hellhole For Border Guards - 121/7 (20 overs)
Setting Up 'Wanted' Posters - 160/7 (20 overs)*
Name Sounds Like A Mad Science Hypothesis - 159/6 (20 overs)
Pre-Match Terrorism Is Unpleasant - 156/6 (20 overs)
--------------------------------------------------
* = Zoran & Fhaengshia have still not submitted official logos for their cricket team.
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T20 World Cup Matchday 4 - Review - Victory
126/3 (14 overs)
124/5 (20 overs)
Hertfordia Heathens won against Saint Mark by 7 wickets
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes Naho Sotirova 66 44 9 2 Caught Rago Niedra 35 18 5 2 Run out Ryosuke Tīrelis 20 14 2 1 Not out Patrick Manev 4 4 1 0 Bowled Dynamis Dudka 1 4 0 0 Not out Scorers of Wickets:
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem (4), Isaac Myroshnychenko (1)
Naho Sotirova - Shortly after the match with Blue Bubble/Glenpavia, Naho finally managed to locate a surprisingly striking man, an expert in the world of the occult and indeed of reporting called Kou 'Kibiki' Karapetrov. If no one heard that talk in public when even the Prime Minister was present, Karapetrov is the mentor in this relationship. She holds a perhaps unhealthy obsession with him (for better or worse), and that was the perfect motivator for this suspiciously Satanic performance.
Rago Niedra - If Naho's performance was Satanic, then Rago's certainly wasn't far behind. Then again, that's what you get when you're the leader of a tiny religion dedicated to bringing about an age of darkness or some nonsense like that. The bad news is the deity he worships is Nemesis, the God of Destruction. The good news is that it is hardly relevant even in Hertfordshire & Jammbo itself. But the Child of the Black Sun will always make himself known wherever he goes.
Ryosuke Tīrelis - If Rago is the Child of the Black Sun, then Ryosuke is the leader of the RedSuns. Or rather, he was. Actually he currently leads Project D, a racing team. The D stands for Dream. Either way, what happens when Black Sun and Red Sun both put on splendid performances? Indeed, the opponent struggles mightily against the onslaught of what seems like two stars crashing down on them. Unlike Rago, Ryosuke does not worship a destruction deity. He worships no deity.
Patrick Manev - Look who finally made his way back to the scoring sheet. The Hand of Asclepius only really came in at the last minute and managed 1 four before being bowled out. Pretty forgetful with just that singular moment at bat to look at. It could be that he was simply saving his energy for later matches, since the battle was as good as won at that point. If so, then that was a smart move. We can't help but call it a little obvious though.
Dynamis Dudka - How he managed to get on the scoresheet right on the very last bat is anyone's guess. He ended up earning the run that levelled HNDK with Saint Mark with our over total at 13.8 (13 overs + 5/6 overs), before Ryosuke ended the match. The players must have been slightly miffed at him after came so close to getting such a convenient 2, which he refrained from due to hesitation about whether he could make it back to the stumps in time. Let us guess, did the 'Will of the Heavens' call for this to happen as well?
In the name of Lake Stour, we can scarcely believe it. We weren't quite expecting that. Just when we thought HNDK couldn't top the victory over underestimation professionals Blue Bubble/Glenpavia, they go along and do this to first round Group C table toppers Saint Mark. As the scoreline blatantly showed, the Hertfordia Heathens had creamed their opposition. Even if this wasn't as large of the victory as the previous, it still stood out as a statement victory. The nation that arguably embodies aristocracy, prestige & pleasantness was sent packing by a nation that for all intents & purposes are the national equivalent of the Village People. If it didn't send shockwaves throughout the tournament we don't know what will. Perhaps a later victory in this will prove to be such a thing, in the case that this victory over the Auran outfit is not meant to be. As for Faust, his domination of the dismissal process/wickets was a show of force to the rest, a reminder that he alone is the captain of HNDK. Keep the optimism up, what hope do we have of coming out of this T20 World Cup as the winners if we don't? Back to the match, this was a show of individual performance. It is dangerous to rely purely on team play. The main strength of our nation's cricket team is the huge variety it holds. Each member has a specific bowling style, and the batting styles aren't too similar by any means. Furthermore, each player is an all-rounder, able to bat and bowl at the highest level. We wouldn't be here at the tournament otherwise. The stars in the sky will freeze over before any opponent truly figures us out. Okay that's completely unrealistic but you chaps reading this get the point, we presume. We even managed to best the Polarii sporting giant Cambria right up until their miracle 19th over comeback. With our shockingly cheerful post-match section out of the way, it is time to show all who watch this the results of Super 8 Matchday 1, which is Matchday 4 overall in the T20 World Cup. Because the roster has been cleaved in two for obvious reasons, this will have less results and therefore it will be easier for us to think of less than savoury names for the nations attending that are not us. Also, we note that apparently, the king of host nation Larxia (King Maddy IV?) has invited all sorts of politicians to watch the grand final which takes place in ~6 days time. King Mečislavs & Prime Minister Clarkov will be in attendance within the stands themselves no matter if the invitation ever reaches them, so they told us earlier today.
Matchday 4 - Results
--------------------------------------------------
Super 8 - Group 1
Land Of Crude Logos - 190/3 (20 overs)
Send All Andolian Cheese To This Location - 138/3 (20 overs)*
Complete Antithesis to Aristocracy - 126/3 (14 overs)
Aristocracy Personified - 124/5 (20 overs)
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Super 8 - Group 2
Three Way Ties Aren't Their Thing - 131/9 (18.4 overs)
Astoric Country, Version IrrelevantRandomUpdates.0 - 129/5 (20 overs)
Houses C.N.C.'s Yellow Pages - 133/6 (16.3 overs)
Bounty Hunters Apparently - 132/7 (20 overs)*
--------------------------------------------------
* = Zoran & Fhaengshia have still not submitted official logos for their cricket team.
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T20 World Cup Matchday 3 - Review - Victory
133/2 (14.4 overs)
130 (19.1 overs)
Hertfordia Shrine Maidens won against Blue Runners by 8 wickets
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes Derek Sokolov 102 51 9 6 Bowled Faust Ḩarełeudeiem 14 9 2 0 Caught Rago Niedra 3 6 0 0 Not out Lisa Lazarenko 12 15 1 0 Not out Dynamis Dudka 2 5 0 0 Not out Scorers of Wickets:
Isaac Myroshnychenko (3), Patchouli Knalide (4), Đe Kaiser (1), Patrick Manev (1), Richard Hammond (1)
Derek Sokolov - The doctor will see you now. That's all we really have to say for the first Hertfordian cricket player to achieve a century. The good doctor has cemented his place both in the medical field and on the cricket field, having almost singlehandedly decimated the Blue Runners run total of 130 all out. We thought surgeons were healers, not hurters. Surgical knife, A.S.A.P.!
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem - It wouldn't be right unless the captain had a decent go at the Blue Runners. The so-called 'Fist of the Pendulum Clock' certainly wasn't actually messing with time and space. That is an absurd assumption to make. But it felt like he was somehow.
Rago Niedra - You can't keep the Black Sun down. Rago likely intended to earn much more runs than he did, but as you might have guessed already Derek decided that he would forcefully place Blue Bubble/Glenpavia on the operating table. Still, at least Rago was not dismissed.
Lisa Lazarenko: They say the most intelligent people are the ones that end up making the most simple mistakes. This person is no different, for most of what this 4 year old ultra-prodigy tries ends up going wrong because of one seemingly insignificant mishap. This time though, the underwhelming performance was not due to her own miscalculations, but rather due to a certain surgeon.
Dynamis Dudka: It seems those people who hold the energy producing spinning tops they call 'Beyblades' are really in it today. Dynamis managed to slot in a couple of runs near the end of the match. He has consistently been a presence on the scoresheet and while he has never really stood out, at least he has the consistency. Looks like the will of the heavens has guided this shrine guardian well.
What can we say except 'that went well'? This game was crucial to our survival in the competition, and we're very glad to say that we put in our best performance yet. Rising to the occasion when it counts is a key skill to have in any sport and cricket is no exception. Even better that Derek earned a century in the process. Think of it this way, this was such an encouraging victory that we really are struggling to give a substantial report on it, so we'll go into something called Spiral Force. The deputy reporter was returning from the shop when he heard some of the players talking about something called Twisted Tempo. It was invented by Ziggurat as an energy source to power this Spiral Force. Spiral Force was an attempt at creating an energy source that had all the benefits of renewable energy with none of the drawbacks. He tried condensing it into raw energy before he was luckily stopped. Scientists back home have figured out that if all the pent up energy that the by-then-collapsing Spiral Core (a reactor that collects and stores the Spiral Force) would rend miles upon miles of land surrounding the Hades City base where it was located and even sent a colossal shockwave across the entirety of the world. Honestly, two of us find that very hard to believe. The other is the editor Damian. Perhaps it is not a coincidence that he too has one of these former energy sources, which are absurdly rare due to the scientific nature of their creation. His one is called Hades Kerbecs BD145DS. Naturally at this point we have to give you all the results while taking jabs at the other nations. We just feel like it.
Matchday 3 - Results
--------------------------------------------------
Group A
Who Knows Anymore? - 120 (17.4 overs)* [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Likely Victim of Cambrian Taunting - 198/4 (20 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
Miserable Tech Comes From Here - 153/6 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Larynx - 175 (19.4 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
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Group B
Polaris Flag Bearer - 140/7 (15 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
Irrelevant Twaddle - 136/6 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here - 133/2 (14.4 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
Underestimating At Their Own Peril - 130 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
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Group C
Andolia-Aura Hybrid? - 131/6 (16.4 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
The Place Your Calendars Refer To - 165/6 (20 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
General Gio's Lonely Islanders Cricket Band - 125/8 (15.5 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Should've Read The Rulebook - 122/6 (20 overs)** [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
--------------------------------------------------
Group D
Probably Makes Up Confusing Long Words On Purpose - 149/8 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Zoranian Museum Of Rubble - 163/5 (20 overs)* [Qualified for Super 8]
Ceased The Adverts Thankfully - 132/3 (20 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
Landmine Hideaway - 151/9 (20 overs)* [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
--------------------------------------------------
* = Denieria, Fhaengshia, Zoran & Dalimbar have not yet submitted official logos for their cricket team.
** = This is not the official Dilberian "cricket" team logo, we just put it there for laughs. We will never be sorry.
- United Adaikes and Zoran
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2
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While the rest of the team had been planning on how to defeat Blue Bubble/Glenpavia and secure qualification to the Super 8, Reimu Hadjieva had been working on something she claimed was a matter of great importance.
Reimu Hadjieva: Ah, at last, it's finally complete. Looks like all that hard work finally paid off.
Patchouli Knalide: Hard work from you? That's a first.
Reimu Hadjieva: You can't talk Patchy.
Patchouli Knalide: Yeah, I know...
Robert Cherganski: So anyway, what is it?
Reimu Hadjieva: It's a makeshift version of the Hadjieva Shrine! Now I can collect shrine donations here in Larxia during the T20 World Cup!
Ryosuke Tīrelis: You really are that desperate.
Reimu Hadjieva: No one visits the shrine back home, so I brought the shrine to them. Genius, huh?
Lisa Lazarenko: Your shrine supposedly houses a god that plainly doesn't exist, why would anyone even remotely sensible visit it?
Dynamis Dudka: Believing in the Hadjieva God may be unfounded, but believing in the will of the heavens holds a lot of merit.
Naho Sotirova: The world of the occult is still the closest to reality.
Rago Niedra: You are all forgetting the only true god in this world, the God of Destruction, Nemesis.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Let's not get into the minefield that is the Black Sun.
Robert Cherganski: Speaking of which, the Black Sun is now an official symbol of our country.
Eirin Yaneva: How typical.
Patchouli Knalide: Oh please, you're all incorrect, everyone knows that science is just magic in another form.
Maxie Mazurenko: Why do you even bother anymore Lisa?
Lisa Lazarenko: I honestly don't know.
Patrick Manev: Hey, Rago.
Rago Niedra: Hmm?
Patrick Manev: I heard you saying something to the Teralyon cricket team players when you went up to bat. Could you repeat what you said please?
Rago Niedra: Alright. I was explaining to them the power of the Black Sun.
Patrick Manev: Repeat away. Everyone, if you didn't hear what Rago said when he was up to bat, now's the time to listen.
Rago Niedra: "That is the Black Sun. The God of Destruction, Diablo Nemesis itself!"
Eirin Yaneva: I've never heard of this 'Diablo Nemesis'.
Richard Hammond: Shush.
Rago Niedra: "I have withstood all of your attacks, all of them. And now it is my turn to attack."
Reimu Hadjieva: You then proceeded to hit a six if I'm not mistaken.
Naho Sotirova: Yes he did do that.
Rago Niedra: "You will be joining your irreplaceable rivals soon, you little worms, get ready!"
Derek Sokolov: That's a lot of confidence right from the get go.
Rago Niedra: Clearly the confidence paid off, we crushed them.
Maxie Mazurenko: Yes, we did crush them, but we also lost 9 wickets. We need to make sure we work on not being dismissed. Twice now we have finished our innings with just 1 wicket to spare.
Richard Hammond: Maxie is right, we might be excellent at batting and fielding, but we need to improve that aspect of our play if we want to make it to the final stage.
Eirin Yaneva: Then that is what we shall focus on.
Lisa Lazarenko: Not only that, but talent isn't the only thing we have at our disposal.
Reimu Hadjieva: Very true, we have some of the greatest minds in the entire tournament. Maxie, Patchouli, Lisa, Dynamis, the list carries on. Also, the offertory box is just over there.
Derek Sokolov: With our individual and team talent, and the brilliant minds at our disposal, we have both the skill and the tactics to advance past our opposition, no matter who they are.
Dynamis Dudka: That's quite a bold statement, but I am sure of it none the less.
Derek Sokolov: Well I took your declaration a couple of days ago to heart.
Dynamis Dudka: Glad to know that you see sense now.
Lisa Lazarenko: Sense? You have got to be kidding me.
Richard Hammond: I heard a couple of Blue Runners' players talking about how they didn't believe we were planning for the match.
Lisa Lazarenko: That's a big mistake. Perhaps they will fall victim to their own underestimation of the opponent, in this case us, again.
???: Hello chaps.
Richard Hammond: Hang on, why are you here?
James May: I'm here because I heard that you were talking complete rubbish.
Ryosuke Tīrelis: This is about Hammond claiming that the future is the best, isn't it?
James May: Exactly.
Richard Hammond: Oh god.
James May: The world now is better than it was just one minute ago.
???: No it isn't because a minute ago, you weren't here.
James May: Was that Je... OW!!!
Richard Hammond: Oooooo, that smarts.
James May: Ah! M-my gentleman's area! Uunnngh...
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Is this why you wanted me to drag you here?
Jeremy Clarkson: I did say I was going to do it.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Fair enough. I'm going back to my hotel, Kou said he was waiting for me there.
Naho Sotirova: Kou?! He's here? Tell me where he is. That's not a request.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: If you want to find the man you call your mentor, look in the stands for where me and Mečislavs are sitting, he should be around there.
Naho Sotirova: Thanks for telling me, now I know where to look.
James May: My testicles have retreated!
Richard Hammond: We don't need to know that!
Derek Sokolov: Could I borrow the Ecnalubma quickly? I need to check James over for any long term injuries caused by that punch.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Well, it actually belongs to James, but he really isn't in a position to do anything about it right now.
James May: Urgh... ow...
Derek Sokolov: I'll be getting on with that then. Robert, help me carry James into the Ecnalubma please.
Robert Cherganski: I shall do this action.
Derek Sokolov: Thank you kindly.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Looks like I'll be staying here for a while longer.
Reimu Hadjieva: That's no problem, you can listen to us talk. It might be something interesting. By the way, the offertory box is over there.
Lisa Lazarenko: It brings me slight joy to see you fail to get any shrine donations.
Richard Hammond: Cut out the 'Smeese', it's creepy.
Naho Sotirova: You think that's creepy? I'll show you creepy.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Damian still does it better.
Some kind of argument over who has the creepiest look has broken out. Faust argues the case for Damian, who is not part of HNDK. This came out of absolutely nowhere. Stranger things have happened.
Eirin Yaneva: Okay you two, cut it out!
Rago Niedra: It gets worse, trust me.
Lisa Lazarenko: Of course it does.
Eirin Yaneva: No one cares, just stop.
Naho Sotirova: Me and Lisa clearly do.
Ryosuke Tīrelis: I'm getting tired of this, can we go back to the, um, hotel...? Ah who am I kidding, it's a ranch.
Maxie Mazurenko: Yes. There we can meet up with the rest of the team and discuss further on the course of action to take in order to defeat Blue Bubble/Glenpavia.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Derek, are you ready?
Derek Sokolov: Yeah, just finished. James appears to be in full working order.
James May: Thanks very much Doctor Sokolov.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: I, Clarkson and May will be taking our leave now. Good luck in your next match, win it for yourselves and for the nation!
Eirin Yaneva: That's what we plan to do. Also remember, this team is called the Hertfordia Shrine Maidens for the third match in accordance with the T20 team name policy.
Reimu Hadjieva: Music to my ears!
Richard Hammond: Looks like everyone is ready.
Reimu Hadjieva: Then let's pack up and get going. And, the wonderful offertory box is over there.
Rago Niedra: Too bad. I only believe in the God of Destruction.
Before an argument over beliefs could break out, Prime Minister Clarkov broke out a megaphone and put a halt to it. After departing in the Ecnalubma with Jeremy Clarkson and James May, the members of Hertfordia Shrine Maidens themselves departed for the hotel (ranch) to train further for the big match ahead. The match that would decide their fate in the T20 World Cup.
- Giovanniland, United Adaikes, Zoran and 3 others
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6
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Faust 
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John Kramer:
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Faust 
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3rd Rugby World Cup [rosters, roleplays, results]
in Roleplay - How the West Was Won
Posted
The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street: Season 2, Episode 1 - Local Bumblers Radio
[Clarkson, Hammond and May arrive at the radio station exhausted and out of breath.]
[Hammond drags Clarkson and May into a planning meeting with 5 work-oriented members of the HNDRJ - Siite, Sakuya, Dia, Sekkekkyuu & Faust - where James suddenly asks a very random question.]
[Hours later]
[The others all laugh and despair at the same time. Sekkekkyuu puts an empty bin over James' head.]
[Half-an-hour later.]
[Sakuya and Faust glance nervous looks at each-other]
[25 minutes later.]
[James is microwaving a pie for lunch]
[Siite can't help but laugh at Jeremy's silly question.]
[The intro to the radio station played, as the trio prepared to begin their show with the other 5 watching nervously.]
As for how the radio show went, you'll have to wait for a future episode. We departed the 8 as the show began so we don't know what happened after that point yet. Undoubtedly, it'll be a laugh at least. Regardless since we have left them, we must leave you as well with our traditional implausible facts.
Some say he knows why the chicken crossed the road, and that he actually has two brothers... they were more into music. All we know is he's called the Stig! We're The Bauhaus Novel with Conversation Street, Esferos' most bumbling network. Take care and goodbye!
[The Stig's two brothers, pictured]
{The new series, 'The Stig Reads About...', will begin at a future date.}