Clarkov
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Posts posted by Clarkov
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The Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire and Jammbo has submitted a formal request to participate in the 2nd Football World Cup.
Signed
Tsar Mečislavs Deben I
Clarkov Jammbonevych Sahaidachny
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Away from the palaver of the 3rd Rugby World Cup, two surprisingly similar national leaders got together for a nice meal and a viewing of the match between their respective nations.
[A collaboration post between myself & @embubbleblue]
[Kassakira shuffles across the seats with two hot dogs in her hands]
Kassakira Petrovikan: Excuse me, sorry, thank you!
[She finally reaches her seat, and sits down]
.....................
[Where was the 1m 90cm boy with the ridiculously long black hair & slightly too large kimono?]
Clarkov Sahaidachny: H-hi... I’m right here. Next to the seats.
Kassakira Petrovikan: Hey! Do you want a hot dog? One has onions on, and I have sauce in my pocket if you want it.
Clarkov Sahaidachny: Well I don’t like onions, but I’ll have some sauce please.
[She passes the onion free one, and gets out several packets of tomato sauce, mustard, and mayonnaise]
Kassakira Petrovikan: Enjoy! Also, no hard feelings if you win.
[She smiles]
Clarkov Sahaidachny: None taken, cheers. Although I certainly hope we can. That Larxia defeat still stings.
[He takes the mayonnaise and spreads it over his hot dog, before glancing up at Kass]
[She takes a tomato packet and puts it on her hot dog]
Kassakira Petrovikan: I hope we could win, it would make it easier on my team, but life has its ways of teaching you lessons you never knew you needed. That applies to sports too I suppose.
[She takes a bite, chewing quietly]
Clarkov Sahaidachny: If anyone needs to be brought down a peg in the Esferos sports scene, it’s the nation I lead. Karma probably has something up its sleeve for Star Breaker.
[He takes a large bite, also chewing quietly]
[She laughs]
Kassakira Petrovikan: Your nation is strong. I can only hope mine can show to be as strong.
Clarkov Sahaidachny: Given time, yours may become one of the big players. Or it may even do what mine did and somehow win 2 trophies and a lot of medals inexplicably.
Kassakira Petrovikan: I think we already have done the medals thing.
[She laughs, scrunching up the napkin of her hot dog]
Clarkov Sahaidachny: Good point there.
[He cleans his mouth with some tissue and nonchalantly throws it into a bin]
Kassakira Petrovikan: Good shot.
[She turns back to the game, as Hertfordshire and Jammbo go into the lead.]
Kassakira Petrovikan: Oh, you're winning early. It's only been 10 minutes.
Clarkov Sahaidachny: We have a habit of either going into an early lead or scoring near the end of the half. Too bad we can’t do conversions for the life of us.
[He notes the scorer and the time on a piece of paper]
[She clocks the action put of the corner of her eye but doesn't turn to look at it]
Kassakira Petrovikan: I understand. What are you writing?
[Her phone goes off and she looks at it, sighing.]
Kassakira Petrovikan: Sorry, I have to take this.
[She picks up, and within moments, groaning into her hands]
Kassakira Petrovikan: Right. Okay. Great. I'll get onto it.
[She hangs up]
Clarkov Sahaidachny: You seem to be needed elsewhere. In that case I shall be going now. Kou and Promestein are meeting me in a minute.
[He readies himself to depart, nervously looking to see if any people are around]
Clarkov Sahaidachny: Please don’t let my presence here go public, I’m already enough of a shy wreck as it is, I don’t need the dysfunctional team of Star Breaker knowing I’m here. Anyway, goodbye. It was a pleasure.
Kassakira Petrovikan: Don't worry. Same here, see you again another time.
[He departs the scene, leaving Kassakira alone.]
Thus came to an end the meet-up. It was rather pleasant.
- Zoran, embubbleblue, United Adaikes and 1 other
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4
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The Stig Reads About... Richard Hammond
Richard's Theme - Blast Lab (The intro theme)
The Stig: ....... .... ....... ..... .. ......... ..... .. . ........... .. .......... .......... ... ....... .. .... .. .... ... ............. ... .... ... ........ ..... ... .... ..... .... ...... ........ ... ..... ... .... .... .... .....
......... .... ..... .. ..... ............. ..... ....... ... ........ ..... ... ..... .... .. .... .. ... ....... ....... ...... .... ..... ............ .......
Short but sweet entry on the little North Midlander, much like the man himself then. May there be more Stiggy goodness to come. Cheerio!
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(Häřtferdsierndeambeu) Star Breaker - Matchday 4 Result
Häřtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi - Team Star Breaker vs. Blue Bubble Rugby Team
Hertfordshire and Jammbo 16-32 Blue Bubble
(HEJ 8-8 BLB)
Tries:
Dia Mondrushchenko (10'), Richard Hammond (68')
Drop Goals:
Machi Mihailova (17')
Penalties:
Takumi Furman (54')
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- embubbleblue, Zoran and United Adaikes
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3
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street: Season 2, Episode 4 - Landmine Purchase
[With the radio debacle over and done with, the intrepid trio are pondering over their cars when Jeremy revealed some suspect explosives from an infamous Polaris nation. This took place before the most recent Star Breaker team update in the timeline]
Jeremy Clarkson: Darkness has fallen and we've finally reached the bottom of the drive.
Richard Hammond: Phew, we made it.
Jeremy Clarkson: Joy of joys!
[2 hours later]
Jeremy Clarkson: It's taken us 2 hours for us to reach the city limits at the top of it.
James May: Welcome to not-Leo Rugiet.
Jeremy Clarkson: Thank you. Here, there are no spare bedrooms so I've decided to try another new sort of tenting.
Richard Hammond: You know what?
James May: What?
Richard Hammond: We started this. I liked all 3 cars. I still do, but my conviction that the Capel is the best is now absolute, I just...
Jeremy Clarkson: [snorts]
James May: I still find it slightly sort of...
Richard Hammond: What?
James May: There's still a slight hint of faux toff-ery about it.
Richard Hammond: Gah?!
James May: It suits you very well obviously, but the great thing about the Oniisan is it's just a finely honed driving instrument.
Richard Hammond: Well no I wo- okay, on the Quatfordring, yours is awesome.
James May: Don't mention the Quatfordring.
Richard Hammond: But that's what it's for James.
James May: No it's not!
Richard Hammond: And Jeremy, your FM. It does look brilliant.
Jeremy Clarkson: There you go.
James May: It's a very competent motor car, the FMW.
Jeremy Clarkson: That's damning with fake praise that is May.
James May: Yes, exactly.
Jeremy Clarkson: Yours is a bit too Dimm & Vesce, yours is a bit too DeltaLand. They're both brilliant cars make no mistake.
Richard Hammond: What are you doing by the way?
Jeremy Clarkson: Landmines, they're mines, I brought them from Dalimbar. Ring our campsite with landmines and any 'aminal' that comes, [mimicks explosion], they will be- it will become a veneer.
[1 laying of landmines later]
Jeremy Clarkson: With my work done, and you two having drunk all the beer, we should turn in for the night.
[That night]
[An explosion is seen and heard in a flash of light]
Richard Hammond: What was that?!
Jeremy Clarkson: That was the sound of me saving your life.
[The next morning]
Richard Hammond: Our campsite looks like an abattoir.
[Hammond spots a body part on the ground]
Richard Hammond: What's this?
Jeremy Clarkson: Lion's arm.
Richard Hammond: It's hairy.
Jeremy Clarkson: Lions do have hairy arms.
James May: They don't even have arms.
Jeremy Clarkson: They do! That was a lion who was coming to eat us! And my landmine saved our lives.
James May [sarcastically]: Look what we've got here Hammond, it's a lions foot.
[May picks up a human foot]
Richard Hammond: You've detonated an innocent person.
Jeremy Clarkson: Let's not get bogged down with who blew up...
Maybe we should get bogged down with the fact that someone has been detonated by Clarkson's landmine. Hopefully it wasn't anyone important...
We think we may need to run. Goodbye for now!
- embubbleblue, Zoran, United Adaikes and 1 other
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4
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[On the way to the stadium where the match with Blue Bubble was to be played, the Star Breaker decided to get their minds off the shock hammering by Larxia and discuss some things that have been on their minds.]
[a dull silence fills the air]
.......
[the dull silence continues to fill the air]
................
Lits Fílaktri: A hill would be nice right about now.
.......................
Takumi Furman: Okay I admit it, this is boring.
Gankyou Kostova: Can something happen now?
Naho Sotirova: Hmm, why not pull over and check the internet?
Niko Balodis: You're the one who said people who believe everything they see on the internet are 'f-cking dumbasses'.
Naho Sotirova: I stand by that.
Diego Adamov: I fail to see the relevance Niko.
Patrick Manev: I'm pulling over then.
[The Star Breaker - Rugby version - pulled over and checked the news.]
Chihiro Freimanis: Um, so we're here.
Seiya Nikolov: The stadium is just down north then. That is helpful.
Hyouka Felteke [pops up from underneath Chara]: I need you to confirm something.
Chara Dreimanis: Hyouka, I'm not helping you with your experiments on 'body-melding'.
Embry Obalkanska: Not this again...
Hyouka Felteke: It's not that this time. It's a report concerning the Santo-Dominian team.
Mizore Savenko: That's the team with the insane reporter and overbearing bureaucrat.
Ongo Sidopliassova: *unintelligible* [translation: Could I see that please?]
Hyouka Felteke: Alright, here.
Ongo Sidopliassova: [slight gasp]
Machi Mihailova: Did you find something?
[Ongo shows everyone the news regarding the Zoran/Santos-Dominius match]
Harold McGavrilov V: Woah.
Ougi Ostrovske: Don't be daft, that didn't happen.
[Ongo facepalms and shakes his head in disbelief]
Yoshikage Kramlis: It clearly happened, it's right in front of you.
Naho Sotirova: You know it's real, stop lying.
Ougi Ostrovske: I have, I'm trying to get past it!
Naho Sotirova: You really make yourself look like an idiot sometimes.
Embry Obalkanska: It says here that the Santo-Dominian team were unable to enter the stadium because it was blocked by a mob of Zoranians. They're furious with Blubberman.
Chihiro Freimanis: I don't blame them. He's not very nice.
Harold McGavrilov V: He's the only reporter with any sense in this tournament.
[The rest of the team all glance at Harold]
Harold McGavrilov V: What?
Niko Balodis: Forget it.
Damian Haat: So the SDCSN are at the centre of this?
Mizore Savenko: Yeah.
Damian Haat: Understood Mizore.
Takumi Furman: Can we go now? I need to deliver this stuff.
Nagisa Ivanovaulait: Alright alright, we'll go.
Lits Filaktri: So ladies, when your 'phylactery' is broken...
Mizore Savenko: Oh no.
Origami Tsvetanova: I don't like where this is going.
Patrick Manev: Brace for verbal impact!
Lits Fílaktri: ...your usual comportment vanishes without a trace. With your husband's every motion, you writhe and moan in pleasure.
Diego Adamov: Objection! Don't go any further, this is only you who thinks this.
Lits Fílaktri: In this state, you can only think of your husban-
Richard Hammond: Please just stop talking completely now.
[Everyone looks over in surprise to find Hammond and May, returned at last from their stint on the radio]
Lits Fílaktri: I'm just trying to show the other girls that the enigmatic desire and pleasure are what the ultimate happiness consists of.
Richard Hammond: All you've accomplished is horrifying them and everyone else!
Ougi Ostrovske: Your studies will be why your breasts are so massive, I'm guessing.
Lits Fílaktri: My boobs are natural. I'm very proud of them.
Ougi Ostrovske: Go figure.
Lits Fílaktri: I'll tell you what the best 'spirit energy' is too.
Richard Hammond: Save it!
Galatea Sahaidachny: I don't mind talking about it. I've read something similar to that with my son.
Richard Hammond: ...Yeah... so, what's going on?
Origami Tsvetanova: Oh, hi you two. And... who is that?
Promestein Paskaleva: I'm Promestein. The one who gave the humans in my area fire.
Damian Haat: Just the humans?
Promestein Paskaleva: Yes. Their thirst for knowledge is incredible, so I introduced them to fire to help them along.
Stanislava Artemenko: How primitive are these people where you're from?!
Promestein Paskaleva: Very. But that doesn't mean anything to them. It's quite admirable really.
Lits Fílaktri: I like this lady already.
Krux Andersons: I hesitate to call that good news. Oh to hell with it, it's bad news.
James May: Oi, get in the cars you idle sods!
Takumi Furman: You heard him, come on.
Promestein Paskaleva: I'll tell you more about my studies while we're driving.
Lits Fílaktri: Sounds good! As for my studies, I'll have to just convince you all another time. It's not like I'll ever stop trying.
Promestein Paskaleva: Yes.
Almost Everyone Else Present: No!!!
Ongo Sidopliassova [at same time as the above]: *gibberish* [translation: No!!!]
[Kou 'Kibiki' Kovalenko heard all that. He shouldn't keep his student waiting. But now he truly knows why Star Breaker is the most dysfunctional team in the tournament. Let's face it, it's by quite a margin.]
- United Adaikes, embubbleblue, Zoran and 2 others
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5
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The Stig Reads About... Himself?
The Stig:
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ERROR 404 - STIG EPISODE NOT FOUND
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Yeah, we know nothing about The Stig. He's an enigma and always will be. The end. Maybe next episode we'll get back to his normal wisdom. Goodbye!
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(Häřtferdsierndeambeu) Star Breaker - Matchday 3 Result
Rugby Larxia vs. Häřtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi - Team Star Breaker
Larxia 17-3 Hertfordshire and Jammbo
(LAR 10-3 HEJ)
Drop Goals:
Yoshikage Kramlis (20')
Injuries:
Julian Kanzën (71')
Substitutions:
Julian Kanzën | OFF - ON | Embry Obalkanska (72')----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Zoran and United Adaikes
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2
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street: Season 2, Episode 3 - That's Not Gone Well
[Welcome back to Bauhaus Radio!]
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello. Uh, is that me?
Richard Hammond: That's... that was slick.
[outside the radio room]
Sakuya Ileva: It's time for another of Jeremy's rubbish travel reports.
[inside the radio room]
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh no, look!
James May: Look at that, look at that!
Jeremy Clarkson: Somebody, here we go. Somebody in a, it seems to be a 4x4, has jack-knifed while carrying a trailer. Now it's a 4x4, it's a good job it was, that's why he's still alive, lucky he didn't listen to the Fujansk on that one. 2 outer lanes of the motorway have the police out in them because they've been blocked by an idiot in an SUV who's managed to crash into his own trailer. Um and people are moving over far too soon which means the motorway network is not being fully utilized. You paid for it, drive right up to the crash.
James May: Use it!
Jeremy Clarkson: Use it, and then get your window down and tell the man exactly what you think of his driving.
Richard Hammond: Precisely.
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh no, what we've got here is a travel flash actually. Uh, my thank to Julian Kanzën, uh he tells us that in Leo Rugiet a caravan has come adrift of a car blocking the one lane, the police are in attendance. Police, are you armed? I hope they are, they can take it out and just shoot the drive-
Richard Hammond: Thank you very much, that's the travel with Jeremy Clarkson.
Jeremy Clarkson: [wheezing laugh]
[outside the radio room]
Dia Mondrushchenko: Even I can see the show is pretty bad.
Sekkekkyuu 'AE3803': And now it's about to get worse.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Hammond's mistimed a trip to the loo and while he's in there, a song's finished.
[inside the radio room... and the lavatory]
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello? Is that...? Is there somebody there? Is anybody there?
Richard Hammond [whispering]: Hurry up!
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello?
Richard Hammond: Come on!
James May: What?
Another Jingle: 2, 4, 6, 8, James May! [The JM Radio Jingle]
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh-.
Richard Hammond: What?!
Another Jingle's Female Voice [same time as Male Voice] : ...Jaaammmeeesss Maaaaaaaaay.
Another Jingle's Male Voice [same time as Female Voice]: ......Jaaammmeeesss Maaaaaay.
[outside the radio room]
Sekkekkyuu 'AE3803': He's forgotten he's going out live.
[inside the radio room]
Jeremy Clarkson: Well he's ginger and he's Cambrian... -kay...
Richard Hammond: Okay...
[outside the radio room]
Siite Fineistje: And now they're upsetting the sports reporter Faust.
[inside the radio room]
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: 1-1 the latest score between the Beyblade teams of Star Breaker & Slavaria Cossack.
[Hammond turns on the jingle by accident (The JC Radio Jingle)]
The Jingle: I've been driving in my car listening to Jeremy Clarkson.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem [over the jingle]: The final match in will be between the substitutes of each team, Damian's slightly obsessive older sister Lenae and the Genki Girl Stanislava.
Richard Hammond: Sorry! Sorry, that happens.
James May: 1-1, is that good? I don't understand.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: My team has 1 point and they've lost 1 point to Slavaria, sir. It is Beyblade.
Richard Hammond: He's angry!
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: It's a game that has been played in Hertfordshire and Jammbo for over 300 years.
Richard Hammond: What, the same game?
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Then you need to get the observers book of Beyblade which will tell you all the regulations you need to know and then you will be okay. And now-
[Hammond turns on the jingle, on purpose this time, to stop Faust from berating May like that]
Richard Hammond [faking]: Heh, sorry.
The Jingle: I've been driving in my car listening to Jeremy Clarkson.
Jeremy Clarkson: Worse still, my traffic system really isn't working out as planned. The cameras are not able to give enough detail so my reports are becoming... a little vague.
Richard Hammond: Jeremy, go.
Jeremy Clarkson: It's all completely hopeless! Everywhere I can see people in hatchbacks, the motorway- Marelitus is jammed up at junction 6, Divando is- don't use it! Don't use it, stay at work, be productive and buy a helicopter.
James May: It's not particularly helpful what you're telling them there.
Richard Hammond: No.
Jeremy Clarkson: I'll therefore decide to personalise my reports.
Damian Haat [on the radio]: Hello there.
Richard Hammond: Hello how are you?
Damian Haat [on the radio]: Um, bit fed up 'cause I can't work out where I'm supposed to be turning off the motorway or not. We're trying to get to the H&J-Blue Bubble match tonight!
Jeremy Clarkson: Where- where are you? So you're going?
Damian Haat [on the radio]: I'm going anti-clockwise.
Jeremy Clarkson: Anti-clockwise? You, my son, have had it.
Damian Haat [sarcastically, on the radio]: Oh thanks a lot.
Jeremy Clarkson: Just! I'm screwing it up.
[outside the radio room]
Siite Fineistje: With Jeremy's traffic system ruined, they're running out of things to say.
[inside the radio room]
James May: If you use a jet wash, should the bonger on each cycle go off at the end of the cycle or in the middle? If the bonger goes off at the end of the foamy brush cycle and you've only done the bonnet, you've had it.
Jeremy Clarkson: The switchboard's beginning to light up with angry listeners, one of them whom was called Galatea Sahaidachny.
Richard Hammond: Hello Galatea!
Galatea Sahaidachny [on the radio]: I came back from seeing Clarkov at 17:00 and what a load of rubbish this is and I think it's absolutely dreadful. I've been a listener to you three for a number of years. For god's sake, bring that old reporter back and all the rest of them. It's all a load of rubbish, thank you and goodnight!
[outside the radio room]
Sekkekkyuu 'AE3803': What's going on and why are they packing up?
Dia Mondrushchenko: With the locals ready to lynch them, they've decided to get out early.
[inside the radio room]
[It Has To Be This Way [Instrumental] plays]
Jeremy Clarkson: This is a 2 minute 55 second song. By the time it's over, our shows over, we could be- do you wanna walk through Leo Rugiet after the show we just did?!
James May: I've got the car round back.
Richard Hammond: I was thinking about the door.
[The trio flee the radio room past the other 5]
Jeremy Clarkson: By the time this is over, we can be...
James May: The car'll be round the back. Go go, no, just go down there, down the stairs!
Richard Hammond: Sorry!
James May: Down to the left.
Jeremy Clarkson: Down to here.
James May: Yeah.
Richard Hammond: Run!
Jeremy Clarkson: I'm going!
Richard Hammond: Sorry.
[The trio flee the radio station entirely]
[The song finishes]
We are not surprised it turned out this way, but would we have it any other way? No. Not at all.
This has been Bauhaus Radio with Conversation Street, time for us to replace the 'Radio' with 'Novel' once more.
If this wasn't your reaction, what were you watching?
- Giovanniland, embubbleblue, Zoran and 2 others
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5
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street: Season 2, Episode 2 - The Radio Of Chat, in the Nation of Debate
[The continuation of Local Bumblers Radio. Let's find out what the disaster embracing team managed to do in control of one of Zoran's main radio stations]
[Hammond accidentally puts a tune on.]
Richard Hammond: That shouldn't have happened.
[Dia puts both hands on her cheeks on exasperation and because of finding it funny]
Richard Hammond: I'm gonna fade it out and then you're gonna talk.
[The music ends, an awkward silence ensues]
Jeremy Clarkson: Right, errrm...............
Richard Hammond: [wheezes in laughter]
Jeremy Clarkson: Um...
Richard Hammond: Is that it? Is that your intro?
James May: Ah!
Richard Hammond: Can I just say good afternoon, this is still the local radio station.
[Outside the radio room]
Siite Fineistje: They aren't what you'd call slick, Sekkekkyuu.
Sekkekkyuu 'AE3803': Give them time!
[Inside the radio room]
Richard Hammond: Can I do the weather?
James May: Yeah.
Richard Hammond: Uh, I've lost it. Have you got the headlines?
Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah.
Richard Hammond: I haven't got any.
Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah... no you do them.
Richard Hammond: I haven't got any headlines.
[Outside the radio room]
Sakuya Ileva: And the jingles Richard has brought along are dreadful.
[Inside the radio room]
[A jingle begins playing - The jingle Richard made]
Richard Hammond: See what you think of this one lads, it's great.
The Jingle: I've been driving in my car listening to Jeremy Clarkson.[The jingle ends]
Jeremy Clarkson: How much did you spend making those?
Richard Hammond: 5 Deltas a pop.
Jeremy Clarkson: No matter, we will redeem ourselves with my new, brilliant and extremely complicated traffic system. What I've done here is I've fixed up, er, a link between the Zoranian road authorities so I can see all the traffic cameras from all the motorways in the region. Now what's happening is we've got an outside broadcast truck in Marelitus, that's firing its signal up to a satellite 22,000 miles in space back down to a truck in New Zoradia, they're filing it over to our radio station in Leo Rugiet and here we are in the studio looking, and if I can swing the camera round now we can get it off the main pictures, I can even zoom in.
[Outside the radio room]
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: With full control of the cameras Jeremy can reveal his big plan.
[Inside the radio room]
Jeremy Clarkson: Instead of telling you where the traffic jams are, I am going to give you the registration number of the car that has caused it.
[Outside the radio room]
Dia Mondrushchenko: So, he's not just reporting on the traffic, he's bossing it about.
[Inside the radio room]
Jeremy Clarkson: Now who's this exac- coming down in the van? You're leaving a 200 yard gap there, now close up!
[Outside the radio room]
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: While Jeremy is shouting at the traffic, James and Richard are getting to grips with the music.
[Inside the radio room]
James May: No don't tell me. As promised earlier it's 'Frightening Power of Nemesis'.
Richard Hammond: Oh you sprung that on me rather. Do you wanna do that again James?
James May: As promised earlier it's 'Frightening Power of Nemesis'.
Richard Hammond: Maybe just once more for me mate.
James May: Just play something else.
Richard Hammond: Oh alright.
[Rago's Theme 2 - Frightening Power of Nemesis plays]
James May: Oh its right!
Richard Hammond: Heheheh, yeah!
James May: He has no idea.
Richard Hammond: Yeah, you see. Um, I'd just like to apologise.
[Rather ominously, the Black Sun Cult leader and destroyer of other nation's sports teams Rago stands in the background]
Unfortunately at that moment the feed cut off again, albeit this time it was because Sekkekkyuu had managed to get lost within the halls of the radio station. Her sense of direction rivals James May's. Thus we depart once more.
Some say he wants you to draw him like one of your Markian nobles, and that he was born inside the explosion from a Dalimbari landmine. All we know is he's called the Stig! This is the Bauhaus Novel, we bid you all a temporary farewell.
- United Adaikes, embubbleblue and Zoran
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3
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The Stig Reads About... Damian
Damian's Theme - Gates of Hell (The intro theme)
The Stig: ...... .... .... ..... .. ...... .. ... .. ... .... ....... .. ... ............. ... ...... ........ ......
.. .. ... ....... .. .... .... ........ . ........ .... .... ........... ... ...... .. ........ .. ... ........ ..... .............. ..... ... ... ... .... ..... .. ..... ....... ........ ...... .. ... .. ... ......... ....... .. ... ...... ...... ......... ... ....... ..... .. ............ .... .. ... .......... .. ... .. ........ ... ........ ... ........ ....... ... ........... ...... ......... .. ..... ....
.. ... . ........ ... ...... ...... .. ...... ... .... ...... .. .... ... .......... .... ... .... ... ....... .. ...... .. ..... .. ... ..... .. ... ......... ... ....... .. .... .... ....... ... ... ... ........... ... ... ........ .. ..... .....
...... .. . ...... .... ....... ... .... .... ........... ...... ......... .. ... ... .... .... .... ...... .. .. ... .... .. ... .... .... . ...... .... .... ..... .... .. ... ....... .. ... ....... .... .... ... .... ..........
.. ..... . ..... ..... ...... .... ......... ... ...... .. . ... ...... ... ..... ... ..... .... ...... .... ...... ........ ..... .... .... ....... .. .... ..... . ..... .... ... ..... .......... ...... .... ... ....... .. ... .... ..... .......
...... ... ..... .......... .... ... ......... .. .... .. . ......... ......... ......... ........ ... ........... ....... .. ...... .. .... . ...... ....... ....... .......... .... ... .... .... .. ...... .. ......... .... .. .......... .... ... ...... .... ..... .... ....... .. .... .....
...... ......... . ...... ......... ......... ..... ..... ........ ... .. . ...... .. .. .... ... ... ..... .... .. .... ............ .... ...... .. .... .. ...... ... .... .......
Thanks for listening. Return again in 2 days time for a soothing lesson from our enigma.
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(Häřtferdsierndeambeu) Star Breaker - Matchday 2 Result
Häřtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi - Team Star Breaker vs. Equipa Nacionala Giovannilandiana de Rugbio
Hertfordshire and Jammbo 19-0 Giovanniland (HEJ 8-0 GIO) Tries:
Nagisa Ivanovaulait (38'), Naho Sotirova (50')
Penalties:
Julian Kanzën (23')
Drop Goals:
Damian Haat (58'), Chihiro Freimanis (71')
Injuries:
Rococo Uradulov (60')
Substitutions:
Rococo Uradulov | OFF - ON | James May (61')
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Key (for present and future reference):
Winning Team - Losing Team
(Winning Team at Half-Time - Losing Team at Half-Time)
Drawing Team - Drawing Team
(Drawing Team at Half-Time - Drawing Team at Half-Time)
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- United Adaikes, Zoran and embubbleblue
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[The following footage took place before the complete hammering dished out to Giovanniland. Good thing Chihiro caught the whole thing on tape.]
[Inside a courtroom, the Star Breaker crew were debating on the origins of the coffee Diego always seems to drink. The mood almost went the way of the coffee itself, that is, bitter.]
Ougi Ostrovske: Who even serves Diego coffee when he's on trial?
Diego Adamov: A coffee maker obviously. I don't see why this keeps being asked.
Gankyou Kostova: It's hardly obvious, Godot.
Chihiro Freimanis: Um guys, I don't think he goes by that anymore.
Krux Andersons: He'll always be that in my head.
Galatea Sahaidachny: Stuck in the past as always, Krux.
Takumi Furman: This is why Acronix is better than you.
Krux Andersons: I wish my brother was here, despite how insufferable he can be sometimes.
Diego Adamov: I'm moving this on.
Harold McGavrilov V: This reminds me of the relationship Clarkson, Hammond & May have.
Stanislava Artemenko: Vitriolic best buds?
Harold McGavrilov V: Yes.
Machi Mihailova: They're brothers, not friends Stani.
Hyouka Felteke: Stanislava said that only that Slavaria group were allowed to call here that.
Stanislava Artemenko: Yep, I did.
Embry Obalkanska: What's Slavaria?
Naho Sotirova: That time with the basement has really messed with your memory.
Seiya Nikolov: I had heard something about that. Didn't really believe it.
Embry Obalkanska: It happened. It was mental torture, having to essentially take care of a deranged basement monster that had my parents for lunch.
Yoshikage Kramlis: You mean 'cannibal'.
Lits Fílaktri: You mean 'Embry'.
Chara Dreimanis: Whatever!
Stanislava Artemenko: Anyway, Slavaria is the teenage friend/lovers group I'm in. There's 8 people in it, including Sahaidachny.
Machi Mihailova: Galatea?
Galatea Sahaidachny: She means my son.
Rococo Uradulov: Clarkov?!
Nagisa Ivanovaulait: I was not expecting him to have friends.
Stanislava Artemenko: Lovers too.
Hyouka Felteke: Slavaria Cossack is a self-chosen harem friend group in all but title.
Stanislava Artemenko: That's right! Clarkov is the newest member, we kind of dragged him in against his will but he's become used to us. You can guess why we took notice of that boy yourselves.
Damian Haat: But how the hell did you get him of all people to join your group?
Stanislava Artemenko: Me and the others - Natalya, Yevhen, Valentyna, Myroslav, Reichiru and Lyubomyr - wanted him to open up to us about what he was actually feeling underneath that ice-covered shell. I'm happy to say it worked.
Takumi Furman: Did it though? He's still pretty emotionless.
Origami Tsvetanova: I'm guessing you haven't heard of the Dandere trope.
Rococo Uradulov: The what trope?
Origami Tsvetanova: A person who appears emotionless and cold on the outside but is actually incredibly shy on the inside.
Stanislava Artemenko: Describes him well, so does Kuudere which actually does mean 'cold'. He's a mama's boy too. Rather clingy, and highly protective of the very few who have managed to get close to him.
Galatea Sahaidachny: I owe that to being his mentor alongside being his mum.
Naho Sotirova: How he got where he is now with your mentoring I'll never know.
Galatea Sahaidachny: I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult.
Naho Sotirova: It's an insult you thieving hack.
Galatea Sahaidachny: I stole nothing from Kou!
Damian Haat: Back off, Naho. I may be Jammbonevych's main rival, but I'm willing to defend Galatea in this case.
Stanislava Artemenko: That's because her son is your secret crush.
Damian Haat: The teasing isn't funny!
Stanislava Artemenko: Come on, it was hilarious!
Naho Sotirova: He's my main rival actually, so go fish.
Niko Balodis: I don't mean to be rude, but you're kind of a cheap rip-off.
Naho Sotirova: I was first. If anything, Jammbonevych is the rip-off.
Niko Balodis: Oh right.
Julian Kanzën: You really need to up your game Niko.
Origami Tsvetanova: Julian, you're near the top in almost everything you do, everyone needs to up their game compared to you.
Harold McGavrilov V: This is all starting to feel like something out of one of those manga or anime from back home.
Ougi Ostrovske: It does, and just like in many of those fictional tales, not all is as it seems right now.
Yoshikage Kramlis: You saying that reassures me that this is going to remain a normal conversation.
Chihiro Freimanis: I'm not sure.
Julian Kanzën: Woah, stop worrying Chihiro. Ougi's entire identity is built on lies so we should be fine.
Ougi Ostrovske: Is it though?
Patrick Manev: We all know it. Your misleading skills don't work on us.
[suddenly, Mizore appears from behind a wall, followed by Ongo.]
Seiya Nikolov: What the?!
Lits Fílaktri: I knew she'd be around here somewhere.
Mizore Savenko: I was listening to the whole thing.
Ongo Sidopliassova: *unintelligible gibberish*
Patrick Manev: I don't speak in random sounds, is Ongo confirming what Mizore said?
Ongo Sidopliassova: *nods*
Chara Dreimanis: But where did you come from?!
Mizore Savenko: Over there. [gestures to the wall nearby.] It's my 340th peeping spot.
Lits Fílaktri: Let me get this straight, you count the places you stalk from.
Mizore Savenko: I do.
Yoshikage Kramlis: There goes my hope of a normal and quiet conversation.
Nagisa Ivanovaulait: [glances at Ougi]
Ougi Ostrovske: Told you.
Diego Adamov: I need a coffee.
[A cup of coffee, Godot Blend #12, slides out of nowhere into Diego's hand on the desk. Ougi flashes a smug smirk to rival Clarkson.]
[With the coffee cup sliding in, the thought to be ended debate on where the team captain gets his coffee reignited, as a flabbergasted Kou 'Kibiki' Kovalenko watched from the distance trying to wrap his head around the inner workings of the team known as Star Breaker.]
- Zoran, embubbleblue and United Adaikes
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The Stig Reads About... Julian
Julian's Theme - The Emperor (The intro theme)
The Stig: ...... ...... ..... .. ... ....... .. ......... .. . ......... ...... .. ... ............... ... ...... ....... ...... ..... ......... .. ... ..... ..... .... ... ............. ... ...... ..... ....... ..... ..... ........
...... .. ... ...... .. .... .......... . .... .... ........... ...... ...... ... ..... ........ .............. .. .......... ..... .. ... ....... .... ... ..... .. .... ... ......... ............. ... .. ......... ..... ........ ....... ........ ........
...... .. . ..... ............ ....... ... .... ..... .... .... ... ...... .... .... ....... .... .. ... .......... ...... ... .... .... ....... ... ....... ........ ... . ... ......... ...... .. ...... ..... .. ... .......... ... ..... ........ ........ ... .......... ........... ...... .. ... .... .........
...... .. . .... ....... ... ........ ....... ....... ... .. .... .... .......... .... .. .... ..... ......... .. .... ....... ..... ...... ..... ... .. .... ... .... .. ...... ... .... .. ... ...... ... .. .. .. ........... ....... ...... .. ..... . .... .... ... ........ ...... ......... .... .. .. .......... ... ....... .. .... .. ... ....... .. ........ .... ... ....... ... ... .... ..... .... .. .. ........ .. ...... ....... ... ...... .......... ..... .. ... ........ .. ... ...... .. ... ......... .. ... ..... .. ..... ........ ... ... ........ ... ... ......... .. ....... ...... ... ..... .. ..... ..........
Thanks for listening. Come back in 2 days time for another enlightening tale from... whatever The Stig even is. We're aren't sure.
- United Adaikes, Zoran and embubbleblue
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street: Season 2, Episode 1 - Local Bumblers Radio
[Clarkson, Hammond and May arrive at the radio station exhausted and out of breath.]
Jeremy Clarkson: Ah, hello! If you've just started to view this, you are probably confused as to why we're totally out of breath.
Richard Hammond: Let me clear it up, me and James rigged a car as a prank on Jeremy, and it kind of went wrong.
Jeremy Clarkson: I spun into Quiyakaso and ran him over.
James May: It's his own fault, he should have paid attention to my warning.
Jeremy Clarkson: You're the one who rigged the car.
James May: Hammond done it too.
Richard Hammond: Don't bring me into this mate, it was your idea.
Siite Fineistje: Ah, you've arrived.
Sakuya Ileva: Hurry up, we've got not a moment to waste here.
Richard Hammond: Right, you two, come on.
[Hammond drags Clarkson and May into a planning meeting with 5 work-oriented members of the HNDRJ - Siite, Sakuya, Dia, Sekkekkyuu & Faust - where James suddenly asks a very random question.]
James May: When you're in the jet wash, should the 'bonger' go off half-way between the cycle or at the end?
Dia Mondrushchenko: Hmm.
Sakuya Ileva: Oh... [facepalms]
Richard Hammond: Oh and the show is going out live, which could be a problem given the loose connection between Jeremy's brain and mouth.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: The average weekly audience is apparently about 250,000-300,000.
Jeremy Clarkson: Not all of them are in invalid carriages.
Richard Hammond: Urgh!
Siite Fineistje: Get this idea out of your head!
Jeremy Clarkson: What have I said?
Richard Hammond: You said 'invalid carriages'.
Jeremy Clarkson: Well what's the word I'm looking for?
Sekkekkyuu 'AE3803': You wanna make sure he doesn't say things like that this afternoon?
Richard Hammond: What the-?! Alright, now I want you to show me how I control this 8-foot gorilla! What do you suggest I do?
[Hours later]
Siite Fineistje: The meeting has rambled on for ages and in that time, nothing has been sorted.
Sekkekkyuu 'AE3803': I don't like that.
Jeremy Clarkson: I've got the idea of reading the news butt-naked!
Dia Mondrushchenko: Almost veered off the deep end there.
Richard Hammond: You know we've got just over an hour to go, right?
James May: I still don't understand any of this.
[The others all laugh and despair at the same time. Sekkekkyuu puts an empty bin over James' head.]
Richard Hammond: So, at quarter-past and quarter-to there are the headlines that James can read...
[Half-an-hour later.]
Richard Hammond: Jeremy has announced...
Dia Mondrushchenko: Rather worryingly.
Richard Hammond: ...that he's been working on a plan.
Jeremy Clarkson: Tonight, there won't be a single queue or jam in this region of Zoran because I'm doing the travel on this show.
[Sakuya and Faust glance nervous looks at each-other]
[25 minutes later.]
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Zero hour is fast approaching.
Sakuya Ileva: Even Jeremy's got busy.
Sekkekkyuu 'AE3803': You got it Jeremy?
Jeremy Clarkson: Got it.
Siite Fineistje: Are you acquainted with the studio?
Richard Hammond: Yep.
Dia Mondrushchenko: James is mastering some of the station's other technical equipment.
[James is microwaving a pie for lunch]
Richard Hammond: We've got just a few minutes to go, hundreds of thousands of Denierians, Einherfellans, Hanita Gracseans, Nagaraningradians, Teralyans, Dilberians, Larxians and Cambrians are starting their journeys to the stadiums.
James May: Are those even the correct demonyms?
Richard Hammond: I don't know, I just said what came to mind.
Jeremy Clarkson: Richard, where's the turntable? For the records.
[Siite can't help but laugh at Jeremy's silly question.]
Richard Hammond: Jeremy... there is no turntable! It's 1422!
Sekkekkyuu 'AE3803': They're all expecting their slick and helpful drive-time show.
Richard Hammond: You've got your interview first as well, haven't you?
Jeremy Clarkson: Who? What? What interview?
Richard Hammond: Oh my god that's me.
Jeremy Clarkson: I haven't got the- nngh, James you can't just nick the sheets!
James May: The car firm...
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: We are primed and ready.
Richard Hammond: Good luck everybody! Here we go.
[The intro to the radio station played, as the trio prepared to begin their show with the other 5 watching nervously.]
As for how the radio show went, you'll have to wait for a future episode. We departed the 8 as the show began so we don't know what happened after that point yet. Undoubtedly, it'll be a laugh at least. Regardless since we have left them, we must leave you as well with our traditional implausible facts.
Some say he knows why the chicken crossed the road, and that he actually has two brothers... they were more into music. All we know is he's called the Stig! We're The Bauhaus Novel with Conversation Street, Esferos' most bumbling network. Take care and goodbye!
[The Stig's two brothers, pictured]
{The new series, 'The Stig Reads About...', will begin at a future date.}
- Zoran, Giovanniland, embubbleblue and 1 other
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Jünjen/Катфадсие ае Дзаембеу Рагби Сцийас - The 101
The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street: Season 2, Episode 0 - Third Time [REDACTED]
[Clarkson walks into the tent to applause by the travelling Hertfordians and Jammbians, who quickly become bemused. Strangely, he is on his own. Where in the name of all that's holy are Hammond and May?!]
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello and welcome! I'm here in Zoran where there used to be a war going on, but I'm told it was permanently postponed. Now, you might be wondering why I'm the only one here. Well, I found out just last week having recovered from pneumonia, that in my illness both Hammond and May have been picked to join the Hertfordshire and Jammbo national rugby team.
[The audience gasps in relative unison]
Jeremy Clarkson: As you could imagine, I was very cross. But no matter! If they succeed, I can claim that I taught them how to do it because let's be honest, James would score a try in the wrong direction and as for Richard? Let's just say that teams are probably motivated well by sore winners on the other end.
[
Richard Hammond {out of shot in the distance}: No you didn't! Stop saying things to the audience that aren't true!]
Jeremy Clarkson: ...Anyway. Of course if we fail to win the title, I have a scope for laughing at them. It's a win-win for me.
[A few scattered laughs can be heard from some parts of the audience]
Jeremy Clarkson: Right now that that's over with I can now hand over to the Stig who has joined us for various requests in a way only the Stig can do. This is Conversation Street's 2nd appearance so call this Season 2. On the note of this being the second season, and this episode being more of a prologue, see you first episode, goodnight! Oh, and Mečislavs and Clarkov are coming to see the 3rd Rugby World Cup. Given how monumentally shy he is, if anyone sees Clarkov in public, take a picture and send it to 0801-CLOTS. You may get recognition.
The Stig: .. ... ... ..... .. .. ..... .. .. ..... ... ..... ....... ...... ......... .. .... (translation: he is not going to be happy if he finds out we're drawing public attention to him.)
[
James May {out of shot, having tripped into one of the abnormally large freezers the HNDRJ brought with them... which is full of freezing water}: Ah! My testicles have retreated!]
HertsJammpedia - The Rundown (31-person team)
Weirdness Incarnate - The Roster (31-person team)
AGE IS IRRELEVANT
The Style Mod
+2.9
The Checklist - RP Permissions
If my opponent RPs first, they may... Choose my try scorers: N Choose my kicker: N RP injuries: Y Godmod scoring events: N Godmod injuries: N Godmod other events: N
- embubbleblue, Zoran, Min-Su and 2 others
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The Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire and Jammbo shall enter the 3rd Rugby World Cup. A new, actually official, logo is in the works as of this moment in preparation for this event.
Signed, Tsar Mečislavs Deben
Signed, Clarkov Jammbonevych Sahaidachny
Update! The new logo has been completed. We hope the new look is to our fans' liking. It certainly is to us.
- Zoran, Saint Mark and United Adaikes
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If there's a part of that complete turkey meant for delivery to a god living in a shrine, you can send my piece of turkey to someone else. For the love of Gord, I do not like turkey.
- Bran Astor and Zoran
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 12: Esferiad Burst!
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello everyone and welcome to a new episode of The Bauhaus Novel.
James May: Indeed, welcome to what we hope will be a return to normal episodes. Well, as normal as us three can be.
Richard Hammond: Yes we shall, however now it's time to realize that there is no tent of chat, on the field of debate, just outside of Conversation Street!
The jingle we all know and love plays. This time, Clarkson drops an anvil on May to no effect. We are receiving a sense of Deja Vu here.
Richard Hammond: How did that not phase him?
Jeremy Clarkson: I don't know. It's completely baffling.
James May: You know I'm not really sure how myself.
Jeremy Clarkson: Well let's not get bogged down in whether James is even human, let's address the elephant in the room.
James May: Good point! So, Hammond, what do you mean there's no tent?
Richard Hammond: The HNJEK are rather unhappy with us for constantly missing deadlines and so they've decided to lay a penalty on this show.
Jeremy Clarkson: What kind of penalty?
Richard Hammond: Did none of you notice that we are outside doing this?
James May: Cock. I wondered why that was the case.
Richard Hammond: So basically we've been evicted from our news offices.
Jeremy Clarkson: Well I think we all know, in the audience, who is to blame for our predicament.
[In no time at all, the audience via a tally chart on the only piece of technology left to the boys showed that May was clearly the blamed.]
James May: Hang on a minute, why am I being blamed here?!
Jeremy Clarkson: Well, the athlete roster was 3 days late.
James May: You can't tell me that was the sole reason you have blamed me.
Jeremy Clarkson: To be honest we're only doing it because you're the slow one, so if we pin it on you, me & Hammond don't get any flack and the viewers at home would see common sense in the reason.
James May: I'm a scapegoat then.
Jeremy Clarkson: Exactly.
Wholesome, if slightly confusing, online picture that the S.O.D.O.F.F contained.
Richard Hammond: On the subject, what are we going to cover in today's episode?
Jeremy Clarkson: Erm, that's a good question.
James May: I'm not really sure. But I got these signs.
Richard Hammond: Yes, those will help us.
James May: We hold them up and whoever can fit three TV hosts into their car can take us straight to that afterparty that the rest of the HNJEK, all 150+ athletes, are joining.
Jeremy Clarkson: Yes, yes! I forgot about that.
Richard Hammond: Mecislavs & Clarkov will be there too, the Tsar told me via email.
Jeremy Clarkson: Why didn't Jammbonevych Furutani email us?
Richard Hammond: You realise that boy is probably the most naturally nervous & shy person at this Esferiad outright, I'm guessing.
Jeremy Clarkson: My bad for not noticing sooner. Also, he is rather cold to people.
Richard Hammond: He's cold to pretty much anyone due to reasons mentioned earlier, but as Adaikesian President Salazar showed when he brought the topic of autism acceptance to the table, it is not impossible to get Clarkov to open up although it is a difficult & slow process.
Jeremy Clarkson: One thing's for sure, that boy no matter how naturally shy or nervous he is has no shame at all.
Richard Hammond: His special occasions drawer that sits adjacent to his Javelin Throw gold & silver medals tells all. Fanart, actual pictures of athletes, fanfiction, AB/DL, Age Regression, Yaoi/B.L., Bondage, a model train, memes, ships (not the sailing kind), the list goes on.
Jeremy Clarkson: No no wait, Yaoi/B.L.?!
Richard Hammond: I thought that was rather odd considering that the Prime Minister is as asexual as he is autistic which is very much so.
More stuff found in the S.O.D.O.F.F., this time Jammbonevych Furutani personally allowed us to show these ones. Miracles, though we're not sure they're good ones. Also, what did Enrico ruin?!
James May: Oi! Get out here you idle sods!
Richard Hammond: Coming James!
Jeremy Clarkson: It looks like that's all we have time for. If this isn't the final episode for the current Esferiad the next one will be. Now before we go I'd like to announce that Jammbonevych Furutani has told us three privately that he is thinking of having Hertfordshire & Jammbo lodge a bid to host the third Esferiad. Let's make it happen people, get to convincing him to go through with it. Oh and convince the Verkhovna Anglia while you're at it. This would need to be voted through.
James May: CLAAAAARKSOOOOOOON!!!
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh sh-t! Alright, have a skit we put together. Until next time everyone, goodbye!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oo18OQPrOI
The little skit that the trio put together. Ambitious but successful, not a phrase you hear about these three often. Or ever.
Day 13 Event Schedule (Already Gone)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Canoe-1 Slalom Yoshika Melngaile, Kanako Yanchuk Road Time Trial Cycling Lilith Myroshnychenko, Maxie Valchev, Diego Adamov Track Sprint Cycling Nahyuta Seržants, Seiya Nikolov, Chara Dreimanis Shortboard Surfing Markus Vasev, Masamune Karapetrov Gymnastics Vault Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis Gymnastics Individual All-Arounds Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis Badminton Doubles Stage 1 Pluto Ḣeidïz + Rago Nesterenko, Sig Chornyj + Leone Avramenko Individual Sabre Fencing Stage 1 Manfred van Kirilova, Enrico Priedītis Heavyweight Boxing Finals "Scatman" John Lapsiņš Rugby Sevens Semi-Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union Day 14 Event Schedule (Final Day! Coming Up)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Kayak-1 200m Slalom Mukuro Ishchuk, Sachiko Sheremet Track Team Sprint Cycling Mary Hadjieva + Galeem Gaismas, Julian Kynev + Shinmyoumaru Sotirova Gymnastics Team All-Arounds Hertfordshire & Jammbo Gymnastics Team Badminton Doubles Finals Pluto Ḣeidïz + Rago Nesterenko, Sig Chornyj + Leone Avramenko Rugby Sevens Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 11: The Last Thing On My Phone
Tonight, Jeremy revels in Richard's failure,
Richard convinces Ongo to hoard the waffles,
and Clarkov shows us what he was wearing during Javelin.
The Conversation Street jingle plays for the first time in a while. Here we see a truly stunning scene in the natural environment of the HNJEK Karventhin offices. The Orangutano Clarksonius and the Hamsteridae Hammonder are witnessed attempting to murder each other with a machine gun & a pistol respectively. The Spanielis Mayli has a knife in his head, yet miraculously still lives. Also, hooray for recycling previous intros!
Continued from the previous episode.
Makoto Nankov: What is your most frequently used emoji?
Richard Hammond: I have never used an emoji ever.
Jeremy Clarkson: I don't use, ever, emojis.
Richard Hammond: Me neither, I never use them. It's just inappropriate! It just feels wrong to be using an emoji, I don't feel like I should. James, you have used emojis.
James May: I have. I've, er, only ever used the thumbs up one occasionally because you can do it in lots of different colours, it's very right on. So you can have it all the way from sort of pasty Northern Polaris to, you know, somebody from New Velka, you've got all shades of person.
Dio Burluka: What music are you listening to?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: I've got the MBTI as Instrumental Music Collection by Natalya, er, some medieval music, two anime albums and... that's all off the same album, that's just my special occasions material.
Jeremy Clarkson: [confused and displeased grimace]
Richard Hammond: When did he get here?
James May: Not a clue, but his music taste is strange.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: I... thought I was alone.
Richard Hammond: You can stay if you want, since you're here now.
James May: Fine by me.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: [soft smile]
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: What was the last note you wrote to yourself?
Richard Hammond: "Tamara Davies died. Off continent, look back & do all we can. Tamara Davies still died. We are what we are in a time we can conceive and measure." Utterly meaningless...!
Jeremy Clarkson: "The Stig's Doll Guldurian cousin, something to tell us?" "Yes diarrhoea, c) pick on people in bins." I suspect it was- there was a story that The Stig's Doll Guldurian cousin was joining the Esferiad. They got a photograph of maybe a sign-up document as the Postcard Online called it, they'll have gone 'something to tell us Doll Guldur Stig?' and it would hold up a sign saying 'Yeah, I've got diarrhoea. Just got a bit of a bloated engine, I'm going to have a big sh-t in a minute'. F-cking Postcard Online.
The Stig: ... .... ...... ...... .. ... ..... [Translation: How many unread emails do you have?]
James May: 111,672.
Richard Hammond: I've got just 2.
Jeremy Clarkson: Here's my inbox.
Richard Hammond: That's a lot of unread.
Jeremy Clarkson: All of them are unread. So if you're watching this Faust Ḩarełeudeiem, Karen Kovalenko, Suu Strashilova, Mizore Savenko, Enrico Priedītis, Armando Slobodyan, Chara Dreimanis whoever you are, Kou Kovalchuk, Embry Balkanska, Ongo Sidopliassova, Shirou Fomenko, Lemres Romanov, Sentinel Putniņš, Ryo D. Lait, Mečislavs Deben: unread!
[Clarkson & Hammond burst into laughter]
Richard Hammond: Yeah you should probably try a bit harder there.
Jeremy Clarkson: Oooh- that's a bit embarrassing. [still laughing during sentence]
Yeah, we didn't make an episode yesterday, again, but we do have a habit of this now. Perhaps we should try and make more time to do these. Besides, some say that
Goodbye & Goodnight everyone!
Day 12 Event Schedule (Already Gone)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Kayak-1 200m Sprint Roger Runcis, Bunta Furman Mountain Biking Cycling Mečislavs Deben, Jataro Koks Golf Dynamis Dudka, Emporio Aspers Gymnastics Rings Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis Heavyweight Boxing Stage 1 "Scatman" John Lapsiņš, Vector "Prime" Putniņš Kumite Karate Finals Cain Myroshnychenko, Erhard Mykhalchuk Lacrosse Finals Hertfordia Lacrosse Field Hockey Quarter-Finals Hertfordia-Jammbo Hockey Football Quarter-Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Football Federation Rugby Sevens Quarter-Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union James May: Why are we showing events that have already happened without showing the upcoming events too?
Jeremy Clarkson: Because we'll get those upcoming events in the next episode or fall asleep trying.
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 10: Not While There's Still Jelly Coursing Through These Veins! (
Richard Hammond: What...)
Tonight, Jeremy revels in Richard's failure,
Richard convinces Ongo to hoard the waffles,
and James shows us the last thing on his phone.
The Conversation Street jingle plays for the first time in a while. Here we see a truly stunning scene in the natural environment of the HNJEK Karventhin offices. The Orangutano Clarksonius and the Hamsteridae Hammonder are witnessed attempting to murder each other with a machine gun & a pistol respectively. The Spanielis Mayli has a knife in his head, yet miraculously still lives.
* = bad grammar on purpose to convey failure to pause in between saying words
James May: I'm James May.
Richard Hammond: I'mRichardHammond.*
Jeremy Clarkson: I'm Jeremy Clarkson.
James May: And this is 'The Last Thing On My Phone'.
Richard Hammond: What is?
James May: That's the name of the segment.
What Was The Last Thing On Your Phone?
John Kramer: So if you guys could look right into this camera here in the middle.
Richard Hammond: [disturbingly focused]
James May: Alright.
Rantaro Antonenko: What was the last photo you took?
Jeremy Clarkson: It's my penis.
James May: It's- it's my own trousers.
Richard Hammond: Well this is your own...
Jeremy Clarkson: I don't actually...
Richard Hammond: Am I allowed to show that?
Jeremy Clarkson: That's something from our BBEK protest, it's our bus handcuff scene, it's he and James... touching each other.
Richard Hammond: Well...
Jack Borisov: What was the last video you watched?
Jeremy Clarkson: Okay it's... ThouPorn, that's a ThouPorn, what was it?
Richard Hammond: Eheheh.
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh god really? You w- oh.
Richard Hammond: I'm in it.
Jeremy Clarkson: Nobody wants to see that!
Richard Hammond: I'm in it.
Naho Sotirova: What was the last thing you Googolplerxed?
James May: Mine was Neimz.co.hj, trying to change the name of my email account, that's interesting isn't it? [rhetorical sarcasm]
Richard Hammond: I was looking for the Reçueçn embassy (in Cambria).
James May: Wh- n- everybody knows that.
Jeremy Clarkson: Wai- no, you've seriously had to Googolplerx where the Reçueçn embassy is?!
Richard Hammond: Do you wanna know what's even funnier?
Jeremy Clarkson: What?
Richard Hammond: I didn't find it. I was on a motorcycle, I had to stop and just park it and got in a taxi and went 150 yards to it. I don't live in Great Parndon!
Jeremy Clarkson: Wh- you...
James May: I also looked at the weather in Easfolk 'cause Hammond and I have to go there in a week.
Jeremy Clarkson: Is it Hertfordshire and Jammbo?
Richard Hammond: It's snowing.
Jeremy Clarkson: Is it autumn?
James May: It's the north.
Jeremy Clarkson: It's snowing.
Richard Hammond: It's snowing!
Jeremy Clarkson: Only he'd look that up.
Rococo Uradulov: What was your last text message?
Richard Hammond: It's my parole officer.
Jeremy Clarkson: Mine is from my son, "quite good actually".
James May: Mine was "f-ck off".
Richard Hammond: Can't tell you what mine was 'cause you'll just think I'm a f-cking twat.
Jeremy Clarkson: "Your helicopter is grounded this week", which means you have to go to Easfolk in your car. Hahaha.
Richard Hammond: Haahaahaa!
Tanukichi Osis: How many alarms do you have set?
Richard Hammond: 3.
Jeremy Clarkson: 1.
James May: I have 3.
Richard Hammond: 06:17, 06:19, 06:20. I've got Fashion, Moving On & Kaleidoscope of Happiness.
Jeremy Clarkson: Well my times are 5:00, 5:17, 5:30, 5:45, 6:00, 6:10, 6:30, 6:45, 7:00, 18:00, 18:58 & 19:55.
Richard Hammond: Why have you left them all on?
Jeremy Clarkson: I might need an alarm at 19:55!
Richard Hammond: Well you can always set another one!
James May: I've got 07:01, 18:03 & 21:01. They are tagged Another Beginning, Cygnus & Get Up, F-ckface.
Will be continued in the next episode. Cheerio chaps!
Yeah, we didn't make an episode yesterday, we had no time as Clarkson & May were too busy laughing at Hammond's dismal failure to win gold for the second time. With all that being said in typical "I'll-blow-up-your-house-if-you-lose-this-bet" fervour, it is time to end. Of course we'll be back, we always are. You can never get rid of us! Well, unless John Kramer traps us or something. Now some say we thought Fujai was a hippie documentary, and that our internal organs are made from steel & ice. All we know is, we turned all your air conditioners to the lowest setting fellow Esferiad bodies!
Goodbye & Goodnight everyone!
Day 10 Event Schedule (Already Gone)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Marathon Track Ongo Sidopliassova, Damian Haat, Zombina Zakharchenko Field Javelin Throw Ryosuke Tīrelis, Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani, May Mykytyuk Gymnastics Uneven Bars Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis Badminton Singles Stage 1 Junko Varbanova, Konngara Adamov Individual Foil Fencing Stage 1 Joseph Deeustä, Kirina Hadjiivanov Water Polo Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Finals Hertfordia Basketball Handball Quarter-Finals Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Quarter-Finals Hertfordia Lacrosse Indoor Volleyball Matchday 5 Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Field Hockey Matchday 4 Hertfordia-Jammbo Hockey Football Matchday 4 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Football Federation Rugby Sevens Matchday 4 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union Day 11 Event Schedule (Coming Up)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Track Individual All-Arounds Nile Hadjiev, Lemres Romanov, Endeavour Medvid, Jotaro Kishishev, Gingka Hristov, Jeremy Clarkson, Afuro Tytarenko, Judai Yakymchuk, Tommy Venev, Lockdown Melngailis, Douglas Mednis, Shirou Fomenko, John Tinchev, Bello Jēkabsons, Miles Endziņš, Wales Chaban + Sophie Chaban + Giorno Giovranchev + Yuuma Novak, Ongo Sidopliassova, Damian Haat, Zombina Zakharchenko Track Team All-Arounds Hertfordshire & Jammbo Track Athletics Team Field Individual All-Arounds Ivo Rudzītis, Peko Pekyneva, Freddie Ṁḙkjeri, Ayame Kraule, Mamoru Endziņš, Yuuto Kreslīns, Shinji Ivanyuk, Yoshikage Kramlis, Quote HT, Franklin Chaban, Embry Balkanska, Eirin Yaneva, Ryosuke Tīrelis, Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani, May Mykytyuk Field Team All-Arounds Hertfordshire & Jammbo Field Athletics Team Canoe-2 1,000m Sprint Gyro Zeidmanis + Johnny Deeustä Gymnastics Parallel Bars Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis BMX Cycling Rose Rysinov, Aran Rozītis Kumite Karate Stage 1 Cain Myroshnychenko, Erhard Mykhalchuk Individual Foil Fencing Finals Joseph Deeustä Lacrosse Semi-Finals Hertfordia Lacrosse Indoor Volleyball Matchday 6 Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Field Hockey Matchday 5 Hertfordia-Jammbo Hockey Football Matchday 5 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Football Federation Rugby Sevens Matchday 5 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 9: That Was Unexpected
Tonight, Vector passes out,
Richard drives like Takumi Furman,
and something unexpectedly wholesome appears in the stolen S.O.D.O.F.F. collection.
Blah blah blah, we know we're way behind schedule, the hosts aren't back. The entire news show is all but ruined at this point but we don't give a damn! It's still happening and we are not stopping anytime soon. You know the drill, just cross your fingers and hope the boys come back. [off screen -
John Kramer: "WHERE ARE YOU, YOU TRIO OF MIDDLE AGED FU---!"] ...Well then. Oh, hang on...
Jeremy Clarkson: We're back!!!
Richard Hammond: Yes we are.
James May: And we have a great way to re-introduce ourselves after our time away.
Richard Hammond: Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Slow & a shaved ape there.
Jeremy Clarkson: Wha-!
Richard Hammond: No no thanks, really thanks lads for wasting 9 minutes of my life.
James May: No no I'll tell you something else really interesting...
Richard Hammond: Not with Ongo's sofa oar sticking through your neck you won't.
James May: No seriously! During the war...
Richard Hammond: Oh god no, not 'James May On The War'!
Jeremy Clarkson: No!
Richard Hammond: Please.
The appropriate reaction to 'James May On The War'. No one wants to be put through that. The one furthest to the left is the one who owns the 'sofa oar' that Hammond mentioned.
An extra news piece because we somehow have nothing better to do with our time. With that being said, it is time to end. Some say the formula for medal winning is written on each of our nose hairs, and that we are illegal in 11 different countries All we know is, we're the HNJEK. Goodnight. [falls asleep]
Day 9 Event Schedule
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 4 x 100m Relay Track Wales Chaban + Sophie Chaban + Giorno Giovranchev + Yuuma Novak Field Hammer Throw Embry Balkanska, Eirin Yaneva Gymnastics Balance Beam Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis Lightweight Boxing Stage 1 Richard Hammond, Kou Kovalchuk Kata Karate Finals Lisa Lazarenko Water Polo Semi-Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Semi-Finals Hertfordia Basketball Handball Matchday 5 Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Matchday 5 Hertfordia Lacrosse Indoor Volleyball Matchday 4 Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Field Hockey Matchday 3 Hertfordia-Jammbo Hockey Football Matchday 3 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Football Federation Rugby Sevens Matchday 3 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union
- Arifiyyah, United Adaikes and Orandia
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 8: WANTED = Clarkson, Hammond & May
Yeah, Clarkson, Hammond & May still haven't returned. Who among the audience bets that they've been arrested by local authorities? We're beginning to think they were. So because of this, we have no hosts. That's why the format introduced last episode will stay for the foreseeable future and yes, that includes our sneaky reveal of the patented Special Occasions Drawer of Fabled Fields (SOD OFF). This will last until they return, or until a creepy organ sound effect plays. That heralds Clarkov arriving out of nowhere. It also means no intriguing intros, so deal with it!
Also, we know we're way behind with this, cut us some slack.
Day 2 of the S.O.D.O.F.F. reveals. Clarkov will be fuming, but he's too shy and too intelligent to try and stop us. Trust us, he and we both know how the internet works. [OOC: Actual pictures, mostly found on DeviantArt, that the asexual boy behind H&J loves.]
Day 2 - Athlete Rankings
1st = Feli Petruk - Event: Tennis Singles - Expected Overall Position: 13th | Actual Overall Position: 1st - Net Position: 0.38th | Net Expected Position Gain: +4.62 | ("You intend to defy your fate?")
2nd = Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen - Event: Beach Volleyball - Expected Overall Position: 9th | Actual Overall Position: 2nd - Net Position: 2.00nd | Net Expected Position Gain: +7.00 | ("I, Spïďwagen, shall allow none to harm this gentleman!")
3rd = Hertfordia Basketball - Event: Basketball - Expected Overall Position: 11th | Actual Overall Position: 3rd - Net Position: 2.14th | Net Expected Position Gain: +5.71
4th = Jack Borisov - Event: 3m Springboard Diving - Expected Overall Position: 5th | Actual Overall Position: 1st - Net Position: 0.29th | Net Expected Position Gain: +1.14 | ("Art Stone Age is all over. Its fantastic new age will be started by me!")
5th = Suu Strashilova - Event: Windsurfing Sailing - Expected Overall Position: 12th | Actual Overall Position: 5th - Net Position: 1.72nd | Net Expected Position Gain: +2.41 | ("Well, it was Suu's fault that you caught a cold... I should apologize as well. But Suu doesn't mind! Because she loves her Master!" [BF {nothing sinister is going on here}/Kimihito Kostenko {is present in HNJEK staff}])
6th = Karen Kovalenko - Event: 10m Air Rifle Shooting - Expected Overall Position: 19th | Actual Overall Position: 6th - Net Position: 2.61st | Net Expected Position Gain: +5.65 | ("They kidnapped my mum. They have her. You may be my friends, but I'll kill you. I have to! For my mother!")
7th = Vekar Griķis - Event: Individual Taekwondo - Expected Overall Position: 16th | Actual Overall Position: 5th - Net Position: 3.13th | Net Expected Position Gain: +6.88 | ("The Aurans can fight back! Well, I don't like that!")
8th = Zeo Ȩbis - Event: Windsurfing Sailing - Expected Overall Position: 8th | Actual Overall Position: 4th - Net Position: 1.38th | Net Expected Position Gain: +1.38 | ("Heh, you're as optimistic as always, but it sounds so good.")
9th = Naho Sotirova - Event: Individual Taekwondo - Expected Overall Position: 1st | Actual Overall Position: 1st - Net Position: 0.63rd | Net Expected Position Gain: (+/-)0.00 | ("'Kibiki'... my sweet, succulent mentor... I would do anything for you... anything at all...")
10th = Rita Dacheva - Event: 10m Air Rifle Shooting - Expected Overall Position: 9th | Actual Overall Position: 5th - Net Position: 1.47th | Net Expected Position Gain: +2.17 | ("...And they do nice things for each other.")
11th = Mina Medne - Event: Tennis Singles - Expected Overall Position: 19th | Actual Overall Position: 8th - Net Position: 4.23rd | Net Expected Position Gain: +3.08 | ("I've conquered the atom, but not the Jammbonian mind.")
12th = Gankyo Kostova - Event: 3m Springboard Diving - Expected Overall Position: 2nd | Actual Overall Position: 3rd - Net Position: 0.86th | Net Expected Position Gain: -0.29 | ("Read books and surf the web..." [when asked what she normally does])
13th = King Valchev - Event: 1,500m Freestyle Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 39th | Actual Overall Position: 19th - Net Position: 4.35th | Net Expected Position Gain: +4.13 | (" This is fun, fun, so fun!!")
14th = Hank Hordiyenko - Event: 1,500m Freestyle Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 9th | Actual Overall Position: 4th - Net Position: 8.04th | Net Expected Position Gain: +0.43 | (" ...And if it gets one degree hotter, I'm gonna kick your ass!")
15th = Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team - Event: Water Polo - Expected Overall Position: 3rd | Actual Overall Position: 8th - Net Position: 5.71st | Net Expected Position Gain: -3.57
16th = Jonathan Deeustä - Event: 1,500m Freestyle Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 1st | Actual Overall Position: 20th - Net Position: 4.35th | Net Expected Position Gain: -4.13 ("I strive to be a true gentleman! There are times when a gentleman has to be courageous and fight, even when his opponent is bigger than he is and he knows he's going to lose!")
17th = Hertfordia Baseball - Event: Baseball - Expected Overall Position: 7th| Actual Overall Position: 10th - Net Position: 8.33rd | Net Expected Position Gain: -2.50
18th = Hertfordshire & Jammbo Equestrian Dressage Team - Event: Team Equestrian Dressage - Expected Overall Position: 8th | Actual Overall Position: 9th - Net Position: 9.00th | Net Expected Position Gain: -1.00
Now we apologize for showing you this late, but Kramer fell asleep on air so this is actually a filmed set-up. On that note, some say our camera vision includes infrared, ultraviolet & evergreen, and that we speak Giovannilandian in Glendulan. All we know is, we're clots because the event schedule is below instead of above. Goodnight. [falls asleep]
Day 8 Event Schedule
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Individual Swimming All-Arounds Doppio Kostov, Josuke Honcharuk, Isaac Myroshnychenko, King Valchev, Hank Hordiyenko, Jonathan Deeustä, Ryuga Krieviņš, Derek Sokolov, Hecatia Lukanova, Makoto Nankov, Jean Dombrovskis, Eve Myroshnychenko, Sentinel "Prime" Putniņš, Samson Myroshnychenko, Shuichi Salmiņš, Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Horatio Niedra, Lazarus Myroshnychenko, Kokichi Osis, Goomo Sachev, Athena Cālīte Team Swimming All-Arounds Hertfordshire & Jammbo Swimming Team Floor Exercise Gymnastics Chris Ostapenko, Futo Matvijchuk, Klaus Cīrulis, Niko Balodis Kata Karate Stage 1 Eden Myroshnychenko, Lisa Lazarenko Freestyle Wrestling Stage 1 Takumi Furman, Lucy Lazarenko Baseball Final Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Final Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Quarter-Finals Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Quarter-Finals Hertfordia Basketball Handball Matchday 4 Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Matchday 4 Hertfordia Lacrosse Indoor Volleyball Matchday 3 Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Field Hockey Matchday 2 Hertfordia-Jammbo Hockey Football Matchday 2 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Football Federation Rugby Sevens Matchday 2 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union
- United Adaikes and Arifiyyah
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 7: Autismo van Meeting
Well this is awkward. Not only has Mecislavs gone to the arenas to check up on the athletes (how's that for connecting with our people?) but Clarkov has blatantly refused to come on if it means he is on his own. Then again, even if Adaikesian President Luke Salazar miraculously got the 17-year-old, nearly 18-year-old, Prime Minister to open up, Jammbonevych Furutani is still the same shy cinnamon roll of a boy that Hertfordshire & Jammbo elected back in 1419. Bet he wasn't expecting that when it happened.
It took ages for Clarkov to finally start feeling comfortable, but once Salazar prized him open specifically with talk about the autistic acceptance scene in Hertfordshire & Jammbo he slowly began to warm up to the United Adaikes President, who promised to send an elite team of personality specialists & the like to see just how the number one country for autism acceptance & general neurodivergence acceptance does things. Clarkov takes immense pride in being autistic, amplified due to the time he was relentlessly bullied in secondary school for being autistic, so Luke pressed the right buttons there.
Now, don't tell him, but we've rummaged through Clarkov's special occasions drawer of online pictures that he looks at when he wishes to either calm down or enjoy himself. We do not apologize for the potential weirdness in these whatsoever, but think of it this way - not even Tsar Mečislavs is allowed to look through them. He is very private.
Online pictures we found in Clarkov's special occasions drawer - pictures of athletes, fanfics of athletes, AB/DL, age regression, fan-made drawings of athletes, memes, etc. were found - he hopes to be able to do these himself one day. Creators are unknown. Except for picture 6, the athletes themselves took that.
So with Clarkson, Hammond & May still not back after their frankly doomed protest, we thought we'd catch up on something and give you all a ranking of how our athletes performed day by day, starting with Day 1 below. Best to worst, from top to bottom based on position and how much they punched above their weight. Enjoy and an early goodbye before the late goodbye.
Day 1 - Athlete Rankings
1st = Vekar Griķis - Event: Individual Taekwondo - Expected Stage: First Round | Current Stage: Semi-Finals - Net Position: 1.25th | Net Expected Position Gain: +8.75 | ("The Aurans can fight back! Well, I don't like that!")
2nd = Rantaro Antonenko - Event: Individual Equestrian Dressage - Expected Overall Position: 11th | Actual Overall Position: 1st - Net Position: 0.53rd | Net Expected Position Gain: +5.26 | (NEW ESFERIAD RECORD HOLDER) | ("Kill without being caught, and then survive the trial... sounds eerily similar to the real world.")
3rd = Diavolo Kucherenko - Event: One-Person Dinghy Sailing - Expected Overall Position: 19th | Actual Overall Position: 4th - Net Position: 1.43rd | Net Expected Position Gain: +5.36 | ("I must crush my fear! Now is the time... I must overcome it right now! That is what it means to live!")
4th = Franziska van Kirilova - Event: One-Person Dinghy Sailing - Expected Overall Position: 28th | Actual Overall Position: 7th - Net Position: 2.50th | Net Expected Position Gain: +7.50 | ("Tsk, tsk, tsk. Mr. Phoenix Rait. I grow tired of the foolish foolery of the foolish fools of this foolish country...")
5th = Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen - Event: Beach Volleyball - Expected Overall Position: 8th | Actual Overall Position: 2nd - Net Position: 2.50th | Net Expected Position Gain: +7.50 | ("Your face seems to be asking "Who's this?", so let me introduce myself! I'm the meddling Spïďwagen!")
6th = Doppio Kostov - Event: 200m Freestyle Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 50th | Actual Overall Position: 16th - Net Position: 3.20th | Net Expected Position Gain: +6.80 | ("Roger that. Following your orders [Diavolo's] is my reason for living as well.")
7th = Josuke Honcharuk - Event: 200m Freestyle Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 5th | Actual Overall Position: 7th - Net Position: 1.40th | Net Expected Position Gain: -0.40 | ("Who the hell am I?")
8th = Ringo Romanyuk - Event: 10m Air Pistol Shooting - Expected Overall Position: 50th | Actual Overall Position: 16th - Net Position: 1.90th | Net Expected Position Gain: +2.86 | ("Welcome...to a real man's world...")
9th = Yukari Yaremenko - Event: 10m Air Pistol Shooting - Expected Overall Position: 16th | Actual Overall Position: 6th - Net Position: 2.86th | Net Expected Position Gain: +4.76 | ("That's too bad. I don't, since my tea's scent doesn't fade. Ever.")
10th = Patrick Manev - Event: Individual Archery - Expected Overall Position: 3rd | Actual Overall Position: 6th - Net Position: 1.67th | Net Expected Position Gain: -0.83 | ("Witness the power... of GUILT!")
11th = Phoenix Rait - Event: Individual Archery - Expected Overall Position: 6th | Actual Overall Position: 7th - Net Position: 1.94th | Net Expected Position Gain: -0.27 | ("But who do you fight for? How hard must you fight...? That's the true measure of what human life is worth.")
12th = Hertfordshire & Jammbo Artistic Swimming Team - Event: Artistic Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 9th | Actual Overall Position: 4th - Net Position: 3.33rd | Net Expected Position Gain: +4.16
13th = Isaac Myroshnychenko - Event: 200m Freestyle Swimming - Expected Overall Position: 49th | Actual Overall Position: 31st - Net Position: 6.20th | Net Expected Position Gain: +3.60
14th = Naho Sotirova - Event: Individual Taekwondo - Expected Stage: Semi-Finals | Current Stage: Semi-Finals - Net Position: 2.50th | Net Expected Position Gain: -1.88 | ("Happiness and unhappiness are linked. Whenever one attempts to gain good fortune with little effort, there is always a risk.")
15th = Klug Nankov - Event: Individual Equestrian Dressage - Expected Overall Position: 18th | Actual Overall Position: 12th - Net Position: 6.32nd | Net Expected Position Gain: +3.16 | ("I won't hold back.")
16th = Hertfordia Baseball - Event: Baseball - Expected Overall Position: 1st | Actual Overall Position: 10th - Net Position: 8.33rd | Net Expected Position Gain: -7.50
17th = Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team - Event: Water Polo - Expected Overall Position: 8th | Actual Overall Position: 12th - Net Position: 10th | Net Expected Position Gain: -3.33
Dio Burluka: You thought this report would be by the HNJEK, but it was me Dio! Oh and Faust is here too.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: I'm only here because you told me that this was what I had to do, that it was my mission.
Dio Burluka: Frankly after winning gold the way we did, we deserve to be able to do this.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Not sure who really cares but alright. Either way, the past, present and future are all held in my hands. This time, I will show you the future, the brilliant future that will be born, thanks to my hosting efforts aided by the greatest partner in existence, Twisted Tempo.
Dio Burluka: There you go again with that Tempo thing. We know it exists.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Some say that he knows 2 facts about the JoJo's and both of them are wrong, and that because Naho Sotirova rigged a phone vote, her mentor Kou now owns the rugby trophy I won... and all the players. All we know is, she likes that man to a fault.
Dio Burluka: Faust, that was my job!
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Need me to show you that Rugby World Cup I trophy?
Dio Burluka: At least I, Dio, can keep hold of what is mine.
Day 6 Event Schedule (Done Already
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 4 x 200m Medley Relay Swimming Volodymyr Zelenskyy + Horatio Niedra + Lazarus Myroshnychenko + Kokichi Osis 10,000m Track Lockdown Melngailis, Douglas Mednis, Shirou Fomenko Field Shot Put Shinji Ivanyuk, Yoshikage Kramlis Equestrian Team Jumping Jolyne Cishisheva + Miko Tymchuk Coxless Fours Rowing Robert Cherganski + Mark Kronbergs + Mikhail Faustinov + Reimu Hadjieva Tennis Doubles Finals Dio Burluka + Faust Ḩarełeudeiem Baseball Quarter-Finals Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Quarter-Finals Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Matchday 6 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Matchday 6 Hertfordia Basketball Handball Matchday 2 Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Matchday 2 Hertfordia Lacrosse Indoor Volleyball Matchday 1 Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Day 7 Event Schedule (Coming Up)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 10km Marathon Swimming Goomo Sachev, Athena Cālīte 110m Hurdles Track John Tinchev, Bello Jēkabsons, Miles Endziņš Field Discus Throw Quote HT, Franklin Chaban Coxed Eights Rowing Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rowing Team Individual Fencing Epée Stage 1 Kyle Hadjiivanov, Naomi Niedra Baseball Semi-Finals Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Semi-Finals Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Matchday 7 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Matchday 7 Hertfordia Basketball Handball Matchday 3 Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Matchday 3 Hertfordia Lacrosse Indoor Volleyball Matchday 2 Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Field Hockey Matchday 1 Hertfordia-Jammbo Hockey Football Matchday 1 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Football Federation Rugby Sevens Matchday 1 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Rugby Union
More stuff from Jammbonevych Furutani's special occasions drawer! Hah! This covert assault on the Prime Minister's privacy proves that I, Dio, should reign supreme over The Bauhaus Novel. Also, we wonder when Clarkson and the other two will return. The second picture really should be the HNJEK's spirit animal or something along that calibre.
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 6: Ascendance Jammbo
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: ... [looks emotionless & cold, is actually very nervous & shy... & cold]
Mečislavs Deben: Clarkov, we're live.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Oh! Er, h-hi, welcome to this episode of The, erm, Bauhaus Novel which is named after the half of Hertfordshire & Jammbo where me & the Tsar hail from.
Mečislavs Deben: Yes that's right, you thought there wouldn't be an episode 6 but it was us! So, Jammbonevych, care to do the honours? I know how much you love this.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Sure, cheers. It is now time to put out the fire of agreement, on the car bomb of debate, and cordon away the horrific scene from social interaction on Conversation Street.
The ever lovable Conversation Street jingle plays while Hammond spews out a liquid like some kind of fountain
or a gentleman's pork sword.Mečislavs Deben: Sorry. Hah, eh, so sorry.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: That's the best thing that's going to come out of this show.
Mečislavs Deben: Hahahahaaa, ouch! Also, Furutani, how dirty is your mind?!
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: I see no issue here.
Mečislavs Deben: Don't think I didn't notice your little sly edit on the screen, I have access to that too you know.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Like I said, I see no issue here. It's not like it hinders me from my duty as Prime Minister.
Mečislavs Deben: Moving on!
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Right, now you may be wandering why the Tsar & Prime Minister have commandeered this series out of nowhere. Well, I wanted to have a go at hosting it, so there's your answer.
Mečislavs Deben: I'm intrigued as to what the trio had to go and do for them to try and fail (because of us two) to cancel episode 6.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Actually thanks to Kramer we have live camera footage of the good (Hammond), the bad (Clarkson) & the slow (May) and we can reveal what exactly they're getting up to.
Mečislavs Deben: This ought to be good.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: It better be.
(The scene switches from the news room to somewhere in Karventhin, where the ruling duo are reporting from)
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Mečislavs Deben: This is Karventhin Train Station at rush hour and well they've handcuffed themselves to a bus.
Jeremy Clarkson: False statistics ruin 48 events a week!
Richard Hammond: BBEK burns planets!
Jeremy Clarkson: Utter rubbish coming out of the back of that group is enough to fill the Great Pacific Ocean every 3 weeks!
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: So they're angry at the BBEK for... reasons.
Mečislavs Deben: Probably because the BBEK claimed they would be average.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Ah yes, to be honest I'm rather miffed about that as well.
Mečislavs Deben: Petrovikan probably is too, but I don't know.
James May: What do we want?!
Jeremy Clarkson: Dalimbari landmines!
James May: When do we want it?!
Richard Hammond: As soon as we can arrange easy finance!
Jeremy Clarkson: Well as soon as the signatures...
Mečislavs Deben: Yeah, we have no hope of receiving those. Dalimbar probably doesn't even consider our land as a real place. It's beyond heathen level.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: National self-deprecation, I love it.
Mečislavs Deben: You know you're weird right?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Yes, I'm weird and I'm proud of that.
Mečislavs Deben: OK.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Oh, looks like they've chained themselves to another bus that conveniently blocked them from view.
Jeremy Clarkson: My cold dead fingers will have to be prized from this bus!
James May: The only way I'm leaving this bus is without this arm.
Richard Hammond: Once in a man's life...
James May: You've just got to do the right thing.
Jeremy Clarkson: You've got to stand up and say 'what a load of...'
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(The scene switches back to the news room to somewhere in Karventhin, where the ruling duo are reporting from)
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: I draw attention to the fuzzy handcuffs. I'm guessing they came out of James' dungeon?
Mečislavs Deben: They were probably from his special occasions drawer.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Along with leather tights, a belt, a cowboy hat, a tin of spam, a carbon-fibre-ended shoe horn & a 16 year old Bovril beef drink with added slippery egg white. Oh and a model train for good measure.
Mečislavs Deben: I thought that was your drawer?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: What? No!
Mečislavs Deben: Wait really?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: No, mine is the one full of the piles of cartoon & anime style AB/DL & Age Regression drawings I look at online in my free time. I do have a model train though.
Mečislavs Deben: I wish I hadn't asked.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Anyhow, would you like to talk about the blunders in our names that the Larxian reporter made?
Mečislavs Deben: Wait, you actually asked that? I have to say great job on improving your confidence in asserting what you want.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: I, er... ehm... appreciate it.
Mečislavs Deben: Take your time, process what happened.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: [sighs] Cheers Deben. I do try.
Mečislavs Deben: You're doing a fine job. We both know that an important part of being the Hertfordian/Jammbian Prime Minister is self-improvement.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: That we do.
Mečislavs Deben: Back to the street of conversation, we turned down Review Avenue earlier, I would not like to talk about it. That Mario man has royally peeved me off and I do not mean that as a pun.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: In that case then...
Mečislavs Deben: Are you worried about the leader meet-up?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Yeah to be honest I am. I'm already atrocious around people in general unless I've warmed up to them which only you, my family and maybe a few HNJEK athletes and government staff can lay claim to. I also want to go so I can prove myself as someone worthy of both commanding a nation and representing it in the Esferiad.
Mečislavs Deben: I know from experience how hard it is to get you to warm up to someone. I imagine you at maximum warmness to be clingy and even yandere-esque to that one person you warm up to in that manner. Also, you won gold last time so you have nothing to worry about on the Esferiad front okay. You and me both earned our place in the HNJEK fairly, don't let anyone tell you or me otherwise.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Alright, I see. That is correct, we did earn our places here and I won't let that be forgotten. I vow to perform the best I can and aim for Javelin Throw gold once more. On the other point, that would be a realistic depiction of me if such a situation ever arose, I do think. I'm the sort of guy who will be completely cold to everyone but then super clingy to one specific person, whether it be mentor figure, crush, even a fellow national leader though the latter has a chance of next to zero. Not sure on the yandere-esque part as you're claiming though.
Mečislavs Deben: Shall we return to the topic?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Yes we shall. I already struggle astronomically with people in general. It's worse this time round because it is a meet-up of national leaders. Petrovikan, Dominic, Carnet, Salazar, Nazhim, Giovanni, freaking Marcarius(!) and more are all going to be there.
Mečislavs Deben: It's okay Furutani, I'll help you get accustomed to the dignitaries and then leave you to your own devices. We can talk about Conversation Street, how other countries are doing with autism acceptance, personality theory and all that. Does that sound good?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Cheers, I know I don't ever say this but this sort of thing does mean a lot to me.
Mečislavs Deben: Anytime, it's the least I could do as His Majesty the Tsar of Hertfordshire & Jammbo. Now then, shall we go?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Yeah, let me just quickly put the event schedule for Day 5 up. We can let Kramer perform the athlete analysis later in the events.
Day 5 Event Schedule
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 200m Butterfly Swimming Sentinel "Prime" Putniņš, Samson Myroshnychenko, Shuichi Salmiņš 1,500m Track Afuro Tytarenko, Judai Yakymchuk, Tommy Venev Field Long Jump Mamoru Endziņš, Yuuto Kreslīns Equestrian Individual Jumping Jolyne Cishisheva, Miko Tymchuk Park Skateboarding Seiko Skudra, Chihiro Freimanis Tennis Doubles Stage 1 Dio Burluka + Faust Ḩarełeudeiem, Sakuya Ivanova + Kaguya Hadjiivanovasan Baseball Matchday 5 Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Matchday 5 Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Matchday 5 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Matchday 5 Hertfordia Basketball Handball Matchday 1 Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Matchday 1 Hertfordia Lacrosse The pair, with Jammbonevych Furutani reassured, left the station and got into their very own luxury car that they themselves own (no security firm here) and left for the leader meet-up. As for the trio of hosts, they ended up running away. Perhaps they should leave protests to the professionals. Now we say goodbye. Some say we are dead but the Tsar is too afraid to tell us, and that we can open a portable news station with our testes. All we know is, we're going to the Verkhovna Anglia now to look in Clarkov's special occasions drawer and that we're the HNJEK. Goodnight!
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 5: Science Corner
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello and welcome to the 5th episode of The Bauhaus Novel and we have been working to provide possibly the most difficult episode to produce in this entire stations existence.
Richard Hammond: Anyway, shut up, because now it is time to plant a bouquet of chat, following a collision of debate, outside the primary school on Conversation Street.
The Conversation Street jingle plays as May shoots an arrow into Hammond's arm, much to his displeasure.
James May: Anyway, this episode will be focusing on athlete performance from days 1, 2 and 3.
Jeremy Clarkson: No James that's the next episode.
James May: Is it?
Jeremy Clarkson: Yes James, it is. This episode is actually not going to feature us two for very long.
James May: And why is that?
Jeremy Clarkson: If you'll remember, the three of us decided that we also wanted to compile how above or below expectations our HNJEK athletes have performed and see who really is the most impressive.
James May: Ah yes, I remember now. We couldn't get it done in time, so this current episode had to be released now instead of before Day 3's events. That also means that we'll be unleashing day 3's event schedule on the viewers even though they already know what happened.
Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah but who's going to complain? I mean, how hard can it be?
Richard Hammond: Don't say that!
Jeremy Clarkson: So, over now to Richard Hammond in the Science Corner.
James May: I'd like to clarify as the voice of sensibleness here that the following content is only of day 1 and of dubious quality and has some errors related to leaving things that should have been cut out in.
Artistic Swimming
Spoiler200m Freestyle Swimming
Spoiler
Individual Archery
Spoiler
Equestrian Individual Dressage
Spoiler
One-Person Dinghy Sailing
Spoiler
10m Air Pistol Shooting
Spoiler
Individual Taekwondo
Spoiler
Water Polo
Spoiler
Baseball
Spoiler
Basketball
Spoiler
Beach Volleyball
Spoiler
Richard Hammond: Thank you Jeremy, now this is really quite simple. Okay, understeer works like this: you drive down the road, you turn the wheel but the car goes straight on, crashes into a tree and you die. Oversteer works like this: you drive down the same bit of road, turn the wheel but the back of the car flips round and you go off the road, crash into a tree and you die. Now oversteer is best because you don't see the tree that kills you.
Jeremy Clarkson: Hammond. What was that?
Richard Hammond: That was important consumer advice.
Jeremy Clarkson: Was it?
James May: To be fair he did put the actual Science Corner content on the screen so viewers can look at that while he tells us about what made his career successful.
Richard Hammond: Yes. Hahahaha. [Sarcastic fake laugh]
James May: Open ticket!
Jeremy Clarkson: Yes, now I'll end if I may by showing not just the events of Day 4 but also the events of Day 3.
Richard Hammond: We will not be showing rank comparisons of Day 2 because we can't be bothered. Day 3 may be cancelled too depending on the time we have as we have something very important to do later.
Jeremy Clarkson: Yes we do so there will be no episode 6.
James May: Why don't we just do that when we come back?
Jeremy Clarkson: Because I just said there wouldn't be one.
Richard Hammond: So this is a dictatorship now.
James May: You say that as if it hasn't always been a dictatorship.
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh it doesn't matter. Goodnight everyone!
Day 3 Event Schedule (Done Already)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 200m Backstroke Swimming Ryuga Krieviņš, Derek Sokolov, Hecatia Lukanova 100m Track Nile Hadjiev, Lemres Romanov, Endeavour Medvid Field High Jump Ivo Rudzītis, Peko Pekyneva Equestrian Individual Eventing Armando Slobodyan, Kazemaru Ivanenko Multihull Sailing Tooru Lukanov + Eiki Sproģe Trap Shooting Patchouli Knalide, Rococo Uradulov Individual Judo Stage 1 Bernard Girikananov, Funny Ṽalentain Tennis Singles Finals Mina Medne, Feli Petruk Baseball Matchday 3 Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Matchday 3 Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Matchday 3 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Matchday 3 Hertfordia Basketball Day 4 Event Schedule (Coming Up)
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 10m Platform Diving Tanukichi Osis, Ryo D. Lait 200m Breastroke Swimming Makoto Nankov, Jean Dombrovskis, Eve Myroshnychenko 400m Track Jotaro Kishishev, Gingka Hristov, Jeremy Clarkson Field Pole Vault Freddie Ṁḙkjeri, Ayame Kraule Equestrian Team Eventing Hertfordshire & Jammbo Equestrian Eventing Team Single Sculls Rowing Mizore Savenko, Dr. Ziggurat, Dharkon Tumsa Individual Judo Finals Funny Ṽalentain Baseball Matchday 4 Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Matchday 4 Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen Water Polo Matchday 4 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Water Polo Team Basketball Matchday 4 Hertfordia Basketball John Kramer, the only news station member left in the room, wonders what Clarkson, Hammond & May have planned for later and whether he will need to break out his traps and Billy the Puppet to apprehend them. Well if that does happen, someone is getting a grievous injury induced by karma or whatever John tries to justify himself with. Episode 6 will not go ahead, unless a miracle occurs, so we will decommission for the day. Some say that if you insult our reporting, Hammond will headbutt you in the chest, and that if you tune your radio to 666 FM you can actually hear our thoughts. All we know is, we're the HNJEK. See you next time, goodnight!
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The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 4: Character Roster
The Conversation Street jingle plays while a silhouette image shows Hammond hitting Clarkson over the head with a bottle. Clarkson later said "that really hurt, just to be absolutely clear with you that really really hurt". Yeah, the intro froze before the good bit, sorry.
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello and welcome to a special edition of The Bauhaus Novel. Actually, hang on, why is it special?
James May: It's special because you two won't be around to be in it.
Richard Hammond: Hang on, what?
Jeremy Clarkson: James, is there any way in which we can help?
James May: I know how you can help me, why don't you two go away?
Richard Hammond: Oooooo, alright.
Jeremy Clarkson: Alright fine, we'll leave you to it.
James May: Thank you.
Jeremy & Richard eventually leave James to it, but not before mucking about with a car's onboard camera. Yeah, we're filming this one outside.
James May: Alright, now that we're alone viewers, it's good news! I have managed to get the HNJEK character roster (it's actually athlete roster but who cares?) ready for publication. Admittedly, the images proved much too large for the station to take originally so the quality is a bit ham-fisted. Now who's ready to see it, actually don't answer that I'm sure you all are. So this is goodbye from me but I'll still be here if any questions come through the fax machine. In the next episode, we shall be introducing a brand new feature headed by Richard Hammond. Take care, goodbye.
So May got his alone time in the end, as brief as it was because Clarkson & Hammond burst in to mock him for his slowness and need to put 6 hour pre-flight checks on everything. Either way, time to depart for the time being. Some say we know why Blue Bubble have utterly dominated this Esferiad so far... but we don't, and that we also know how Arifiyyah have managed to report from our Prime Minister... but again we don't. All we know is, we're the HNJEK and we bid you farewell.
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2nd World Cup of Football [rosters, roleplay, results]
in Roleplay - How the West Was Won
Posted
The host nation of the 1422 Football World Cup
Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire and Jammbo
National Information - Under The Light Microscope
Hertfordshire and Jammbo is a mostly ice-covered somewhat elevated nation that lies within the south-eastern corner of Andolia. It borders the Great Pacific Ocean to the south and east, and Zastad to the west. There is no nation that borders it to the north, the closest due in that magnetic direction being Overthinkers. With 3,203,688 citizens living in an area of 129,181mi2 Hertfordshire and Jammbo, or Hertfordia as it is informally known, is the third least populated country on the continent ahead of Irador and Cyrylic and the 10th least populated in Esferos outright. It also has a population density of 9.6 people/km2 as a result.
A map of the southern continent Andolia. Hertfordshire & Jammbo exists within the time-zones of +0 (Andolian Meridian Time) & +1 (Hertfordian Standard Time).
National Information - Under The Electron Microscope
Hertfordshire and Jammbo has a total of 3 capitals all focused in the northern regions of the country. The executive capital and only city Great Parndon in Greater Parndon, the legislative capital Hoddesdon in Hoddesdonshire and the judicial capital Maidenhall are the three headquarters from where the clockwork of the land carries on. There are ~47 different counties, each with their own local government and county capital, the latter with the exception of Tadmartonshire, on the western coast of Lake Waveney, which is home to a solitary village of 300 people and nothing else.
A map of the counties of Hertfordshire and Jammbo. The triad of capitals are highlighted in red.
National Information - Away From The Microscope
As may have been guessed, Hertfordshire and Jammbo is a confederal kingdom. Founded as such after a peace deal between the Hertfordians and the Jammbonians ended the Hertmeria Wars, it established the system of 'confederal parliamentary elective monarchy'. The Tsar/Tsaress is elected once every 10 years, while the Prime Minister is elected once every 5 years. The current Tsar is Mečislavs Deben, due to contest re-election in 1431 and the current Prime Minister is Clarkov Sahaidachny who is set to attempt a push for a second term in the 1424 general elections. The monarch has powers greater than that of a constitutional monarch, but lesser than that of an absolute monarch.
Tsar Mečislavs Deben I and Prime Minister Clarkov J. Sahaidachny (he usually wears rectangular glasses). Rather infamously, these two both won medals in the Esferiad.