Clarkov

No surprise, Hertfordshire-Jammbo is joining the tournament.

[Having tried to go to Cangham... only to turn around again back to Anders... the trio had reunited with the team and were now doing their own thing again.] James May: So we're back in Anders, viewers. Jeremy Clarkson: We ended up missing the win over Varanius, and our next match happened to be just where we'd left off last time you saw us. Against Dalimbar, who have never beaten us. Richard Hammond: It was typical Hertfordshire-Jammbo. Comeback win at the last minute. Jeremy Clarkson: Now that that's cleared up, James you said you had something interesting to say. Which obviously means it will be not interesting. James May: Yes I do. Richard Hammond: Go off, your slowness. James May: Now, have you ever wondered what all that writing on the side of your tires actually means? Richard Hammond: No. [May is slightly surprised and incredulous at Hammond's blunt response.] Jeremy Clarkson: Honestly couldn't care less. James May: Well, don't wonder no longer. Richard Hammond: I don't. James May: Because... it's all been deciphered in this handy cut-out-and-keep guide to what all the writing on your tyres means. Look at that. A chart for what the writing on your tyres means. Possibly the most useless information to ever exist. Jeremy Clarkson: Who's done that? [Hammond lightly sniggers.] Jeremy Clarkson: Who's done-?! How boring do you have to be to do that? [Hammond fake coughs and gestures to May.] Richard Hammond: The inn tramp here. James May: It's very interesting. Jeremy Clarkson: Have you done it? Alright then, what does the number seven mean? James May: Well I've got the key here. [May reads through the key for the guide.] James May: ...That's of no relevance to the H&J market. Jeremy Clarkson: There you are, it's completely pointless. Richard Hammond: Oh thank god. Now time for more interesting news, and if, uh, well do you know that little Hafa, I love it. I just, seeing it on the teller- telly there, I just want one as it bounces round the track, it's great. BUT. If, maybe for some reason you're like The Onanist... [Hammond gestures to May, who is wearing a brown leather jacket.] Richard Hammond: And you don't want one of those... Jeremy Clarkson: Are you wearing that for a bet? Richard Hammond: ...Yeah he is. James May: Yeah. Jeremy Clarkson: He is? Okay. So anyway you were saying? Go on. Richard Hammond: If you're like The Onanist, you don't want one of those, there is an alternative sort of super-fast little micro car. [Hammond shows the Repse Twig on his phone screen.] Richard Hammond: It's this Repse Twig. 0-60, 8.7 seconds. 125m/h. It's not quite as fast as the Hafa, very nearly. But, more importantly that, even with its clever sort of sports chassis which is a 650 quid option, is still 1,300 quid less than the Hafa. That's Δ12,000 Jeremy Clarkson: That's 12? I know. Richard Hammond: I know. Jeremy Clarkson: That is EXTREMELY good value for money. Richard Hammond: I love it. James May: It is. Actually, we've got one of those here over there. I've bee driving it this morning and it's excellent. Jeremy Clarkson: I think honestly having driven both of them and I have, the Hafa is uuuuuh a Δ1,000 more but I think it's worth it. Does that make sense? Richard Hammond: Yep. Jeremy Clarkson: It's worth it, the Δ1,000 more. James May: And there's more fast small car news from Repse, with this. [May shows the Repse Megane R26R on his phone screen.] James May: The Megane R26R and I think that looks really great as well. Richard Hammond: Yeah, yeah I saw that and thought of you straight away, mate. [Clarkson laughs a little bit.] Richard Hammond: No I thought what, what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, 6 point harnesses, a carbon fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's- it is. Jeremy Clarkson: And James, it's a track car, which you like to think of as comfort-ruining travesties. Richard Hammond: How does it-? Jeremy Clarkson: It's perfect for you in every way! Richard Hammond: How do you arrive at wanting that? James May: Because I like it. Jeremy Clarkson: Look, James, let me put it to you this way. You would have to have LITERALLY no penis at all... [May looks at where his gentleman's area is.] Jeremy Clarkson: ...to buy a car like that. James May: How do you work that out? Jeremy Clarkson: Well 'cause we're always being told that the flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size- Is this right? Am I talking sense here Richard? Richard Hammond: Er... Jeremy Clarkson So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable thing goes on. James May: Is that right? Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah. James May: And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2l Hafa Hodag. [Clarkson and Hammond burst out in laughing.] James May: Mr. Swollen Wheel-Arches Metodiev CLA Black. Richard Hammond: He has a point there, he does- Jeremy Clarkson: You've got a Deben-Martyniuk Valhalla! Richard Hammond: Let's move on! James May: There's your penis gone. Richard Hammond: Let's move on. Jeremy Clarkson: Can we stop talking about cars? Richard Hammond: Well, we weren't talking about cars. [Hammond slowly descends into more laughing.] Jeremy Clarkson: That's true, we weren't actually talking about cars latterly but we were to start with, now let's get back with the team.

[As ever, Tsar Mecislavs and his personal bodyguards have come to watch their nation.] Mecislavs D.: Nice to have a relatively short trip for once. Svetoslav S.: You're telling me. Vanya P.: Well, as short as it can possibly get coming from Hertfordshire-Jammbo anyway. Svetoslav S: The fact that the nearest country to ours is over 400 miles away says a lot. Larysa O.: How isolated must we be if the nearest nation requires a flight? Liben V.: We could have just taken a leaf out of the trio's book and gone in a tank or a tractor or- Vanya P.: None of those would have worked. Using a boat means possibly running into pirates, and a tank isn't quick enough to get us here on time. Larysa O.: Why not the tractor then? Liben V.: Speed, like the tank, and there's another issue. Vanya P.: The Magyacwel Motorway. Mecislavs D.: Overthinkers drive on the opposite side to us, and the traffic effectively means that going along that road is a potential death sentence. Liben V.: You'd know about potential death sentences. You survived two of them. Mecislavs D.: One by Santaura Jansone, who I'd like to meet. The other by Arthur Perebiynis... Svetoslav S.: Who is unconscious in the back of the Purgatory. After 2 assassination attempts in a row, Mecislavs' personal bodyguards advised him to acquire a Panzervente Nurarihyon, an armoured super-heavy tank destroyer affectionately known as the Purgatory. It's Hertfordshire-Jammbo's most defensively sound tank and was built during the Anglian War. It bears the frozen crown symbol of the tsardom. Liben V.: You know how we had Arthur tortured beyond recognition for everything they did to Furu, tried to do to you and for trying to take over the country? Are you planning to do the same to Santaura? Mecislavs D.: Absolutely no! Why would I come here to do that to her? Vanya P.: You forget, Liben, that Santaura had a genuine reason for trying to assassinate the Tsar. Arthur had no such excuse, he just wanted to force survival of the fittest on everyone. Mecislavs D.: She was also influenced by the Nativitate. It's a medicinal drug I recently illegalised after the very incident she and the rest of her family were involved in. Mecislavs D.: That's true. As for Arthur, if he had succeeded in deposing me, he would have control over Hertfordshire-Jammbo's defence forces. They're a lot tougher than you'd think looking at a nation as lacking in density as ours. Larysa O.: If there's anything the Hertfordshire-Jammbo armed forces excels in, it's covert operations. We have some of Esferos' best spies. Mecislavs D.: When I was supporting Furu when Arthur was forcing them to be Prime Minister, they would often appear out of nowhere without trying. I joked that they'd be a natural assassin. Larysa O.: If Arthur had gone into power, knowing his skill and lack of restraint, I see no reason why any world leader would be safe from him. Liben V.: Good thing Arthur failed then. Mecislavs D.: Yes. You and the other bodyguards did wonderfully. This is why I chose you. Larysa O.: The false tsar had no chance in hell against all four of us. I could have taken him alone if I had to. Vanya P.: Girl, are you serious? The Tsar himself had to step in to help us. He was a wretched person, but he wasn't incompetent. Larysa O.: Are you seriously doubting our capabilities, miss James May? There was no chance of Arthur winning. Vanya P.: Maybe so, but still. It's kind of demeaning to Mecislavs though, don't you think? Larysa O.: I didn't mean it like that. Liben V.: What do you think, Mecislavs? Mecislavs D.: It's all good. So, shall we get moving? We're here at Anders, I'd like to get there to meet with the team. Svetoslav S.: If we must. I was enjoying the chat. Mecislavs D.: I can't think of anything else to chat about here. Vanya P.: I can. Larysa, did you just call me Miss James May? Larysa O.: Don't think I've forgotten the time in Ryxtylopia when you stole Captain Slow's identity. Liben V.: I remember that. Mecislavs D.: Me as well. Svetoslav S.: I don't. Vanya P.: Mecislavs allowed me! Mecislavs D.: I did, yes. Liben V.: Slightly off topic, but how was Santaura defeated? I wasn't able to be there due to family matters. Mecislavs D.: Funny you mention that. The same independent group who had been battling Tarrick's hunt for Nativitate also battled Santaura alongside Tarrick. Of them, the mum's roaring rampage of revenge was stopped by her own long lost daughter showing photos of her memories of searching for her parents. It pretty much put her amnesia down for good. We can't explain how. Larysa O.: Family bonds are a powerful thing. Vanya P.: Wasn't there another mum on a roaring rampage of revenge at the same time? Mecislavs D.: Galatea Furutani. She's an ally and childhood friend of Tarrick, Santaura's husband. She was on one due to her child Clarkov suffering a seemingly fatal epileptic seizure. When Furu opened up to me, they told me how they spent over a decade being treated like they shouldn't exist simply for being themselves and for being disabled. It had been going on since they were 4. This continued even while Arthur was manipulating the broken and desensitised Furu into breaking themselves to reach their highest potential, which Furu was willing to do anyway as the relentless bullying as well as torment by Arthur's hand caused them to see themselves as, in their own words, a worthless cripple. Liben V.: I'm starting to understand why Galatea snapped. Mecislavs D.: Being their mum, she knew what they were going through and was distraught over Furu being unable to properly express it. Being autistic, that's little surprise. Their inability to comprehend other people, and the inability of others to comprehend them, was slowly destroying them alongside the other things. All Furu wanted, subconsciously and then consciously, was for someone to understand them. But they didn't think they were worth the effort. Larysa O.: ... Mecislavs D.: During that time, late into their old Prime Minister role, Furu suffered an epileptic seizure that came this close to killing them. I mentioned it earlier. Galatea, witnessing this in person, pretty much flipped. She designed and had her husband Branimir make a suit that was frankly, rather out there. Svetoslav S.: She clearly took inspiration from those magical girl anime Hertfordshire-Jammbo creates. Then went about finding torturous ways to murder anyone who had ever had a hand in Furu's suffering. Mecislavs D.: Here's a picture she sent me after everything involving her and Tarrick and Santaura and Furu happened. The outfit Galatea used. Don't even ask. She looked like some kind of main antagonist from a Hertfordian anime about mothers as magical girls. She's not the best. Tarrick's own knight-inspired outfit was less ridiculous than this. Vanya P.: What the...? Mecislavs D.: Nothing is too out there for the people of Hertfordshire-Jammbo. Before you ask, she had the same excuse as Santaura, so I personally pardoned her. Tarrick too. Vanya P.: What's the timeline for how it all ended? Mecislavs D.: So, Furu woke from their seizure-induced nap first, Tarrick defeated Galatea next in a tank battle between his rebuilt Yaagedpanzer and her Panzeryaager and convinced her of the emptiness of revenge. He also promised to help her with Clarkov just like she helped him with Santaura. Then, Clarkov on their own accepted it was alright to be themselves after all, with support from Galatea and the few who wanted to be their friend. After that, Santaura was brought to her senses during her attack on me and Clarkov and she reunited with Tarrick and her daughter Amelia. Finally, after Furu left office, Arthur made his attempt on us. We beat him, he tried to force Clarkov back, but was beaten in battle. Furu's Gohei/paintbrush thing shattered Arthur's sword. Then you guys captured him, led by Larysa. Svetoslav S.: That brings us to now. With Arthur himself in there. Mecislavs D.: Like I said before, let's get back in. The team won't wait. Nor will the Jansone and Furutani families for that matter. [Mecislavs and his bodyguards get back into the Purgatory and get ready to set off. Arthur sees Mecislavs, who gives him such a brief glare that he can't help but be terrified of what's coming for the would-be usurper.] Vanya P.: Do you think we have a chance against Dalimbar? Liben V.: Don't worry. Star Breaker can pull it off. Would not be the first time. Mecislavs D.: We've faced much worse odds than this in their own home and still came out with a draw. The Boys In Blue have never defeated us. It's no reason to be complacent - none of us will be - but it's a reason to go in there and have no worries, as Liben says. Liben V.: That's right. They not likely to let their shock comeback end here. The boys and girls can do this. Vanya P.: ...You're right. Mecislavs D.: You good, Euryn Jakovina? Ready to meet your adopted granddaughter Amelia again? [The bodyguards all turn to an old man who used to work as a janitor in the Hertmerian prison Tarrick and Santaura had been imprisoned in, the one Tarrick had entrusted his then baby daughter to in 1407 when the whole building was coming down.] Euryn J.: Of course. I'm more than ready. Vanya P.: Onwards, The Youkai are waiting for us. Panzer Vor! Larysa O.: What does Vor mean again? Mecislavs D.: It's short for Vorwed, the Anglian word for forward. Larysa O.: Ah, I see. Vanya P.: Did you know Marcarius has a crush on Adsila? Mecislavs D.: I don't know what he sees in her. [The Purgatory sets off at high speed to meet the team.]

[Having gone through Aurum and recently entered Anders, the trio are in the middle of sending a support message to The Youkai and the fans.] Jeremy Clarkson: Hello, it's Jeremy. Here's Richard. Richard Hammond: Hello. Jeremy Clarkson: And here's James. James May: Hello there. Jeremy Clarkson: Now you might be wondering why we've suddenly put the camera on now. Richard Hammond: I don't think anyone's wondering that. Jeremy Clarkson: Oh. James May: Yeah, the Hertfordians. Richard Hammond: And the Jammbonians. Jeremy Clarkson: And Hertmerians. James May: Everyone who watches us sees what we do on these trips all the time. Like when Jeremy ran over Quiyakaso in that car. Jeremy Clarkson: That you and Richard sabotaged. Richard Hammond: It's strange though, it feels like we'd be using a script for all of these and yet we don't. Jeremy Clarkson: No, that is true. James May: It surprises me sometimes. Jeremy Clarkson: So anyway, shall we get back on topic? James May: Ooo yes. Jeremy Clarkson: Well then, to continue on what I asked before, we're showing this on camera now not only to you at home and whoever's watching us in this country, but also to the Hertfordshire-Jammbo rugby team. Richard Hammond: We thought it would be a good idea to send a video of support to The Youkai heading into the match with Varanius. Jeremy Clarkson: We also thought at the same time to ask all you fans at home and here in Overthinkers to offer your support too. We aren't heartless. James May: As you may know, the Hertfordshire-Jammbo rugby team is a slightly confusing and incomprehensible thing. Much like Hertfordshire-Jammbo itself and pretty much every national sporting team we have. Jeremy Clarkson: No, he's right. I mean there are both teenagers and middle-aged people in the team. Take myself for instance, I'm 54. James is 50 despite seeming 500 at times. Richard here is in his early 40s. James May: He'll probably remain 40 eternally. Richard Hammond: That doesn't sound too bad. Jeremy Clarkson: The point is, Star Breaker have a very large age range. It seems archaic, and it shouldn't by any logical measure be able to compete at the level it does. Yet somehow, a bleak yet at the same time scenic land of ice and dandelions with less than 4,000,000 people has not only cemented itself as one of Esferos' top sporting nations, but has also won multiple titles over the years. Richard Hammond: There was the T20 World Cup, and we can't forget the original Rugby World Cup. Jeremy Clarkson: Even in the Esferiad, Hertfordshire-Jammbo is consistently one of the best nations present. If there was ever a Winter Olympics, we'd probably be right at home. James May: Before recently when the Tsar and previous Prime Minister finally succeeded in putting through that law that prevented anyone too young from entering office, said previous Prime Minister - Furu, who was forced to sit in office from 10-14 years old due to political issues I won't cover here. Jeremy Clarkson: The candidate who won the election in 1419 was found guilty of a lot of corruption and as it turned out the deputy, Arthur Perebiynis, pretty much tried forcing Furu to break themselves in office and in their hobby as an artist so he could secretly rule. When Furu accepted themselves and left office when the absolute monarchy was formed, Arthur's plan failed and he tried to assassinate the Tsar directly. That failed and he's now on death row. Richard Hammond: Ouch! James May: ...Thank you Jeremy. Anyway, said previous Prime Minister somehow won gold and silver in Javelin. Richard Hammond: Makes you wonder how we can keep up with nigh-on everyone else really. Jeremy Clarkson: Let's be honest, growing up in Hertfordshire-Jammbo would make anyone at least a little resilient. War notwithstanding. James May: I knew you'd mention the war! Richard Hammond: That was terrible. We should know, we all lived through it. James May: For those from other nations who don't know, the Anglian War was a decade long civil war that started over a succession crisis, economic depression and ethnic conflict between the Hertfordians, Jammbonians and Hertmerians that sort of mirrored what happened when the Jammbonians first migrated to this area from northern Andolia in the 400s. Though that migration and conflict lasted over 100 years. Richard Hammond: Even though it pales in comparison to a century, a decade of war that destroyed the former continental powerhouse of Anglia-Jammbo originally known as Greater Anglia is still really tragic. Jeremy Clarkson: I know. The Hertmerians arguably had it worst. They were almost driven to extinction! Some say there were Hertmerians who fled for Hestmere here in Overthinkers. Some suggest Hestmere was founded by Hertmerians. Richard Hammond: To think that we're the last members of an extinct Hertmerian tribe that have been around where we live for over 2,600 years. James May: Well, technically the Merthyrni tribe still exists today if we're around. Richard Hammond: True, but you get my point. Jeremy Clarkson: We all went through that prolonged atrocity, and less than 20 years later had not only fully rebuilt an all but decimated country, but also exceeded every hope and expectation we had as a people. So if we can recover from something like that... James May: Then we can recover from something like this. This, of course, refers to the group stage. Richard Hammond: Our start to Rugby World Cup 5 was nothing short of terrible. We were smashed twice in a row by Larxia and Avadonialis. Two teams who we ought to be winning against. Admittedly, we were too busy racing to prove the usefulness of the Motorway of Death... and kind of dragged Galatea and Clarkov along for the ride. James May: Beyond that, though, I think The Youkai's turn-around has been one of the stories of the tournament. We went from being routed to beating the hosts against all odds, restricted Cambria to a 7-3 win which is really impressive if you look at their record, and swatted Rivalfiume without so much as a reply. Jeremy Clarkson: Not an attempt at a reply. Which brings us to tonight. Hertfordshire-Jammbo is facing off with Varanius. Larxia is up against Cambria. Avadonialis plays Overthinkers. To qualify, we have to win and then hope one or both of Cambria and Overthinkers does us a favour. James May: It may seem daunting, but considering the match-ups, it's not an impossibility. Richard Hammond: The greatest strength of The Youkai is their variety. They're an all-round powerhouse in general. Jeremy Clarkson: There's attack-type members such as Shizune, Reimu, myself, Karaina and Ozen. James May: We have defence-type members including Julian, Naho, Faust, me, Kirumi and Gwyn. Richard Hammond: There's also stamina-type members like Free, Lichova, Promestein, me, Tess, Brooklyn, Hanako and Tala. Jeremy Clarkson: We are slightly geared towards stamina, but the balance-types make up the majority. We have Mizore, Tarrick, Nagisa, Rin, Clarkov, Pax, Nia, Pri and Shu. James May: On the topic of stamina, the resilience of this team is its other greatest strength. It has to be, considering where we come from. Richard Hammond: Take for instance Mizore, Tarrick, Damian, Clarkov, Pax, Hanako and even the manager Hisao. They've all been through more than a fair bit, which we won't describe for privacy reasons, and they're still here. Jeremy Clarkson: As are the rest of us. The entire nation even. Then there's legends. James May: Each nation has their own legends and rising stars. Larxia, one of the teams we're battling for a place in the knockout rounds, has a young phenomenon called Eli Thorne. Now we may be biased, but no one has more sheer determination in this tournament than Tarrick. Richard Hammond: He may be on the older side, early to mid 30s I believe, but he spent the best part of 17 years looking for a cure for his comatose wife after a war-related incident in 1407, and then trying to help her amnesia when she went on a roaring rampage of revenge over her thought-to-be-deceased child, while having to handle the believed loss of said child all that time. That can not have been easy mentally. It all ended happily for him and his family, even his daughter turned out to have survived that incident. I don't see how anyone could be more determined. That's why he's become a legend in Hertfordshire-Jammbo. James May: Just like said legend and everyone else in the team, we'd like to give everything and then some into this next match, and all matches. Jeremy Clarkson: So, Night Paraders. James May: That's the nickname for the rugby fans of Hertfordshire-Jammbo in case you were confused. Richard Hammond: if you're watching this, whether you're at home or here with us, do everything you can to support The Youkai. Jeremy Clarkson: As for you guys back in Cangham, we'll try to make it for our game. We'll leave Anders for Cangham as soon as we turn off the camera. Richard Hammond: Win. Tear the Eye Cult asunder. James May: We'll see you then. Jeremy Clarkson: Take care, goodnight! [The trio turned off the camera and began the final leg of their trip through the host settlements, back to Cangham.]

[Having reached Hestmere, the trio were having issues with the technology in cars...] Jeremy Clarkson: Now, we've got some important consumer news for everybody. Um, when you go to a car showroom now, the salesman will try and sell you lots of electronic bits and bobs for your car. Here's our top tip: don't bother with any of them! 'Cause they don't work, any of them. James May: Minttooth. Jeremy Clarkson: Minttooth. James May: Minttooth never works. Jeremy Clarkson: Hammond uses it and it's like he's sitting at the bottom of a river that's frozen over. [Clarkson covers his mouth and makes a muffled sound to demonstrate what he means.] Richard Hammond: Well, to be fair, sometimes I am. Jeremy Clarkson: Shall I tell you the thing that doesn't work most of all? Voice activation. James May: Oh...! Richard Hammond: Oh that's just a shouting match with the- Jeremy Clarkson: No, 'cause you're driving along, you don't have to take your hands off the wheel, you go 'Call Richard Hammond.'. Richard Hammond: 'Collapsing suspension.'. Jeremy Clarkson: It does! ...What are you doing? It's misunderstood me. 'Call. Richard. Hammond.'. Richard Hammond: 'Deflating tyres.'. Jeremy Clarkson: That's-! It's...! [May can't help but laugh.] Richard Hammond: I didn't say that. Jeremy Clarkson: 'Reinflate tyres!'. James May: 'Calling Richard Hammond.'. [Clarkson laughs too.] Jeremy Clarkson: It's just, the problem is, is that in the olden days when I first came out, voice activation was just for the radio or for the satellite navigation, something simple. Now it's for every single feature on the car and in your life, and it has to understand every accent in all of Hertfordshire-Jammbo, so it's 'Good evening each', or 'Och Aye The New' or it's 'Hullo chaps', and it's- it just- it- it just can't cope! So if you're driving along and go 'Atrium Radio.'. Richard Hammond: 'Accessing bank account.'. [May and Clarkson break into hysterics.] Richard Hammond: No-ooo! 'Transferring funds.'. God no DON'T! James May: It's just... can you imagine the Tsar trying to use voice activation? Jeremy Clarkson: That'll end well. James May: 'Send this Miko/shrine maiden's support message via email to The Youkai.'. Jeremy Clarkson: 'Sending assassins and Clarkson after Prince Marcarius.'. [May once more bursts into hysterics.] Richard Hammond: Or better still, if Mecislavs tries to send a voicemail. Jeremy Clarkson: I'll pretend to be the Tsar for a moment - 'Send this message to the Verkhovna Anglia: I have ratified your proposal for an illegal immigrant deportation bill and will pass it into law'. Richard Hammond: 'Sending this message to the Stavka: You're all idiots and your stupid Path is ruining my day.'. [Clarkson this time laughs his metaphorical socks off.] James May: Oh, don't send that! Richard Hammond: 'Declaring war on Dalimbar.'. [All three this time laugh the hardest they ever have.] Jeremy Clarkson: I don't think voice activation is going to work any time soon.

Jeremy Clarkson: Hello and welcome, viewers. There's an idea that we meet up with three cars here in Cangham. The most populous settlement in Overthinkers. Apparently. But immediately, we've run into a problem. [Bureaucracy Stig shows a car to the viewers with May leaning on it with a smile.] Jeremy Clarkson: This is the Nishida something-or-other from Min-Su that James will be driving. [Bureaucracy Stig moves the camera so the viewers can see Clarkson sitting on his car looking proud of himself.] Jeremy Clarkson: This is the Lampadati... er... owned by XALCM... from Larxia that I'll be driving. [Bureaucracy Stig moves the camera again, to a parking space.] Jeremy Clarkson: And this is an empty space where Hammond's Deben-Martyniuk Valkyrie should have been. Richard Hammond: It isn't here because Deben-Martyniuk, the people who make the Valkyrie alongside other cars like the Vantage, DB12 and Valour, have said we're always horrid with their cars, and they decided at the last MINUTE not to lend us one. Jeremy Clarkson: Now if this was a normal car challenge, we'd just make a Valiant out of leaves or something. James May: Yes, or push Hammond off there, and carry on without him. [May points to where a large drop is.] Jeremy Clarkson: Exactly. But we decided to show Deben-Martyniuk- James May: In a factual and non-entertaining way. Jeremy Clarkson: -Oh, absolutely. That Hertfordshire-Jammbo is not just a snow-bound field in the corner of Andolia, and we will not be pushed around by a 2-bit car company. [A few hours later...] Richard Hammond: This is a Deben-Martyniuk Valhalla that I've just bought. Yeah! Thought you could stop us, did you? Because of demand for these cars back home, I've had to pay Δ51,000 which is Δ10,000 more than the list price. But all the same, I reckon that's not a lot for 998h/p and a sound that can start ice storms. Oh yeah. [Hammond arrives to where Clarkson and May are.] Jeremy Clarkson: That's, er, that's subtle. [Clarkson laughs a bit.] Jeremy Clarkson: Now that we're all assembled, we'll break out the map. We have to go from here in Cangham to Hestmere which sounds like it was founded by a bunch of Hertmerians, through Foren and Occida to Aurum, and then south via Exvia to Anders before returning to Cangham via Bellman. It is in effect a tour through all the host settlements of this Rugby World Cup. James has organised it. James May: Now this does mean we will be missing the match with Varanius. Richard Hammond: We're against Rivalfiume James. James May: Oh. Richard Hammond: Yep. so expect to see Julian, Shizune and Reimu as certainties for the line-up. They're the first choice members anyway. Jeremy Clarkson: Now remember you two. No irony, no hyperbole, no sarcasm and don't get caught in red tape. Richard Hammond: Can I crash into James every time we stop? Jeremy Clarkson: No. Richard Hammond: Just a tiny bi- Jeremy Clarkson: NO! Richard Hammond: Alright. Jeremy Clarkson: If Hammond drives into the back of May, a muscular bureaucrat from Backwater Affairs of an IT firm will come at us with an occasional pile of MP4-12C files and we shall all be killed! [The trio set off on their impromptu trip. Next stop, Hestmere.]

Hanako I.: Hi, T-Tarrick. You seem like you need some rest. Do you want to read with me and Hisao? Tarrick J.: Thanks for the offer, but I'm alright. I'm actually feeling better than ever. Hanako I.: We've been waiting for you to say that. Nia H.: Yeah, great to have you back. Faust H.: Who is this Tarrick? Shizune H.: ... [Sign Language -> Translation: You don't know?] Hanako I.: Are you okay with us finding out? Tarrick J.: It' s okay. I did say I had a lot to tell you all. Faust H.: Alright. We're listening. Hisao N.: Before we start, I'd like to say that I'll take care of translating what you're saying to sign language, so Shizune knows what you're talking about. Tarrick J.: Thank you. ...Me and my wife Santaura were both drafted in as teenagers during the Anglian War. I was placed in charge of a local battalion defending my hometown, with Santaura one of many under my command. We managed to survive the war but were forced to abandon our home because the Jammbonian rebels became too much. Damian H.: My parents have told me stories of that war. Tarrick J.: The civil war ended in 1401 with the creation of the current Hertfordshire-Jammbo. But one particular area in the north-east still hadn't stopped fighting. Nagisa I.: A county in the north-east populated mainly by the Hertmerians. Tarrick J.: That's right. The Anglian War was a complete ethnic conflict. In 1407, Santaura and I had a child we named Amelia at 17. We ventured to our old house to see if there was anything that could help use raise our new daughter, but we were captured and imprisoned just as we were leaving. I tried to reason with our captors that we only wished to get supplies, but my pleas fell on deaf ears. Reimu H.: I would have just forced my way out if that's what it took. Tarrick J.: I had nothing on me to do that with. I don't know how long we spent as prisoners of war, but it was multiple weeks. At the very least our captors offered us what we needed to survive. Karaina C.: I can't stand it when people are falsely accused! It's happened to me every life since my first during the Anglian Witch Trials of the 900s. Hisao N.: Reincarnation? I'm not sure... Pax F.: Don't interrupt Tarrick's story. Please, continue. Tarrick J.: Thanks, Pax. At some point, an experiment went disastrously wrong, and it all started to come crashing down. Me and Santaura had no way to escape, but we were able to send Amelia through to a janitor who promised to raise her in the event we didn't make it. Then an explosion rang out. Shizune H.: ... [Sign Language -> Translation: Don't tell me...] Tarrick J.: Santaura was struck by a large piece of the ceiling. Before she slipped into unconsciousness, she asked me if our daughter had safely made it. I told her no one could have made it out alive despite the janitor's best efforts. My wife swore revenge on everyone involved in our capture... before slipping into a coma. Clarkov F.: One of those days... Tarrick J.: I wanted to keep living for them, and spent most of the time between 1407 and 1424 by Santaura's side. Trying to find any way to possibly restore her consciousness. No medical professional was able to do anything. But eventually I discovered the existence of an experimental medicine that had the potential to fulfil my wish. My child may have been gone, but I could still save my partner. Ayumu K.: Is that the same medicine that was just illegalised last month? The Nativitate? Tarrick J.: Yes. I retrieved my old military equipment including an armoured tank destroyer called the Yaagedpanzer, and set up base at the very prison me and my family had been kept in. I also fashioned a suit of armour, a sword and a shield reminiscent of the old Anglian knights that existed during the days of Greater Anglia. Hanako I.: The Knights of Anglia had a purple motif, r-right? Tarrick J.: That's right. I used that armour and tank to travel to anywhere I could find and forcefully took any Nativitate samples I could find. Throughout the years the people took to calling me the 'Void Knight'. Hanako I.: I heard people at my school before I went to Yamaku call you that. It was because your identity was seemingly null and void. Tarrick J.: Even during that long hunt for Nativitate, I starred as a rugby player and military instructor to make ends meet. In 1419, I was invited by the Tsar at the time, Charles of the Broxbourne house, to star in The Youkai for the first Rugby World Cup. I declined, I didn't want to leave Santaura's side even if she wasn't responsive. Clarkov F.: It's understandable. Pax F.: I wasn't around in the team then or in my original sport/game Beyblade due to injury, and there was no issue. I'm sure they would bear no ill will for you putting your family forefront. Tarrick J.: I heard Hertfordshire-Jammbo had won it shortly when my Yaagedpanzer was halted by a crowd of hundreds of thousands. They were all celebrating The Youkai performing one of Esferos' all-time sporting miracles. It got me thinking that maybe a miracle could befall me too. So I amped my efforts up. It seemed like I didn't care what I had to do, but I made sure that as few people as possible got caught up in my actions. I'll admit I did want revenge, but it's empty. It wasn't going to fix anything. Nia H.: I'm amazed you didn't lose faith in humanity at all. Tarrick J.: It's not something I could ever consider. Above all else, I can't even bear the thought of children coming to harm. I saw too many kids being slaughtered during the war in my teenage years. It also reminds me of my own child. No one should have to go through that. Pax F.: Agreed. Some people will never know what it's like to lose everything. Tarrick J.: In 1423, I was outed and arrested by a local scientist. But due to the reasoning behind it, I was allowed to go free. Reimu H.: In Hertfordshire-Jammbo, if there's a good-hearted reason and no attempt to intentionally bring harm to innocents, it's legal. There was a murder at Haidai Shrine and because it was in self-defence, the murderer was let off the hook. Tarrick J.: Soon after that, I finally gathered enough Nativitate to try and use it on Santaura. It worked. At least, it had worked half-way. Julian K.: Unwanted side effects? Tarrick J.: I don't know, but she woke with some kind of amnesia. The only thing she could remember were the moments just before she went comatose. At least, those were the only memories that returned. Santaura managed to find a way to total my Yaagedpanzer and would go on to commit more and more dangerous attacks on who she saw responsible for our daughter's death during our time in the prison. She couldn't care less who got hurt on the way, thankfully no one ever did. Pri F.: Were you intending anything if she woke? Tarrick J.: I wanted to leave the country, start a new life in Hestmere, Overthinkers. We would have taken the tank, but that went up in smoke. Santaura wouldn't stop to listen to reason, she just wanted to see the whole country burn. I soon decided she had to be brought back to sense and so I left to team up with and slowly gain the trust of a small group who had been battling my attempts to secure Nativitate since 1423. Just after I escaped a prison sentence. It wasn't long before my own wife dragged me back to my own base of operations that she had taken over, and attempted to use the same Nativitate I woke her with to force me to go along with her plans. Lain V.: If I recall correctly, Nativitate was found to contain compounds that produce a similar effect to a lobotomy. Tarrick J.: The same group I had fought and later allied with eventually discovered my base and broke in. I could never have imagined one of them would be my own daughter. Amelia had somehow survived the collapse of the Hertmerian prison me, Santaura and her had been locked up in back in 1407. The janitor I entrusted her too raised her as if he were her true father and I can't thank that man enough, nor can I thank my old friend Galatea for looking after Santaura when I was searching for a cure, even when she had her own issues, one of which involved her own disabled son Clarkov. Amelia told me that she had spent her whole life searching for her parents. She found us. Julian K.: Even if you think you've lost everything, you still have your family. Even if only the memory. It's a miracle your child survived. Tarrick J.: I mentioned before that I hoped a miracle would befall me. Safe to say it did. Shortly after, we both discovered alongside the other group that Santaura planned an attack on the Crystalline Palace itself, and the Verkhovna Anglia. She was intending to murder Tsar Mecislavs of the Deben house and you, Furu. Clarkov F.: Me? ...Is that what that one assassination attempt was? Tarrick J.: Yes, and I apologise for it. You should never have even been forced to be Prime Minister at only 10 years old in the first place. Clarkov F.: I quit the first chance I got, the time I finally accepted myself and tried to take better care of my own health. My last act was bringing in a lower age limit on who can become Prime Minister, before the absolute monarchy kicked in. Tarrick J.: We managed to thwart her attempt. I don't know how, but Amelia and I were able to somehow force our way past the amnesia and Santaura's memory was fully restored by finding out our child was still alive, understandably a bit confused at first while taking it all in. We worked with the authorities to find a way to seal the Nativitate somewhere no one can tamper with it. But, 17 years of waiting and effort paid off. A miracle really did occur. Shu K.: I'm glad you managed to get your family back. You may be the most worthy husband and father I've met. ...A medicine with side effects that essentially border on brainwashing and amnesia. Something like that could be very dangerous if the wrong sort of people get their hands on it. Tarrick J.: Yes. We're expecting our second child soon. Her name will be Poppy. Santaura and Amelia are here in Overthinkers, watching our matches. I was waving to them when I scored my second try. I want to make them proud. Hanako I.: I-I think you've already done that. [As Hanako, who had lost both her parents in a fire, and Tarrick, who had so nearly lost his wife and daughter, shared a heartfelt smile, a hovervan emerged into view.] Jeremy C.: Is that...? [The hovervan arrives and out steps May.] James M.: I made it. Captain National Speed Limit is here and for once I can say I have done this properly. Jeremy C.: No you haven't. We've lost to Cambria 7-3. That on top of being battered by Larxia and Avadonialis, the former we should have been able to butcher. James M.: Oh cock. So, what'd I miss? Richard H.: A lot.

James May: Hello. Since we're alone viewers I'd like to reassure you, I'm okay. I'm currently going through Overthinkers to Cangham in my hovervan. It's the largest settlement here I think? Before I and the others left, I compiled a list of all the tournament nations in the 3 main languages of Hertfordshire-Jammbo. This is for no reason other than, well, I found it fascinating. I hope some of you and the world do too. Enjoy. May's Hertfordshire-Jammbo Language Nation Guide Nation - Common 𐑯𐑧𐑦𐑕 - 𐑱𐑙𐑤𐑰𐑨𐑯/𐑱𐑙𐑤𐑰 Neis - Anglian/Angli Натсийе - Жаммбониан/Жамбевски Natsiye - Jammbonian/Zhambevski ᚳᛟᚾᛟᛞ - ᚻᚪᚱᛏᛗᚸᚱᛇᚾ/ᚻᛠᛏᛗᚸᚱᛖᛁ Cened - Hertmerian/Hertmerei Arifiyyah 𐑺𐑮𐑦𐑓𐑰𐑢𐑨 Erifiya Ерифийа Erifiya ‍‍ᛟᚱᛁᚠᛇᛉᚪ Erifiya Avadonialis 𐑨𐑝𐑧𐑛𐑴𐑯𐑰𐑸𐑤𐑦𐑕 Avedanialis Аведаналис Avedanalis ᚪᚦᛖᛞᚫᚾᛇᚫᛚᛁᛋ Avedanialis Cambria 𐑒𐑨𐑥𐑚𐑮𐑰 Kambrie Камбреи Kambrei ᛣᚪᛗᛒᚱᛇ Kambrie Dalimbar 𐑛𐑨𐑤𐑦𐑥𐑚𐑸 Dalimba Далимба Dalimba ᛞᚪᛚᛁᛗᛒᚪ Dalimba Denieria 𐑛𐑺𐑯𐑰𐑺𐑮𐑰 Denierie Дениерийе Denieriye ᛞᛟᛏᛇᛟᚱᛇ Denierie Einherfell 𐑨𐑦𐑯𐑣𐑧𐑓𐑧𐑤 Ainhefel Анкефел Ankefel ᚪᛁᚾᚻᛖᚠᛖᛚ Ainhefel Fujai 𐑓𐑵𐑢𐑲 Fuyai Фужаи Fuzjai ᚠᚢᛞᛖᚪᛁ Fudeai Giovanniland 𐑛𐑧𐑦𐑵𐑝𐑨𐑯𐑰𐑤𐑨𐑯𐑛 Deiuvaniland Жевяниланд Jevaniland ᛞᛁᛖᚢᚦᚫᚾᛇᛚᚪᚾᛞ Dieuvaniland Hertfordshire and Jammbo 𐑣𐑸𐑑𐑓𐑫𐑛𐑕𐑻𐑯𐑛𐑧𐑨𐑥𐑚𐑴 Hartferdsierndeambeu Кятфедсуз и Жамбею Kartfedsuw y Zhambeyu ᛋᚹᛉᛞᚻᚪᚱᛏᚠᚩᚱᛞᚫᛗᛒᚩ Swydhertfordaambo Larxia 𐑤𐑨𐑒𐑕𐑰 Laksie Лаксийе Laksiye ᛚᛖᛁᚳᛇ Leicie Min-Su 𐑥𐑦𐑯𐑕𐑵 Minsu Минсу Minsu ᛋᚢᛗᛁᚾᚪᚢ Suminau Mygrdiyah 𐑥𐑱𐑜𐑻𐑛𐑰𐑢𐑨 Maigerdiya Мигъдийа Migerdiya ᛗᚪᛁᚷᛞᛇᛉᚪ Maigdiya Nalibia 𐑯𐑺𐑤𐑦𐑚𐑰 Nelibie Нелибийе Nelibiye ᚾᛟᛚᛁᛒᛇ Nelibie New Velka 𐑡𐑧𐑝𐑧𐑤𐑒𐑧 Jevelke Неуве Велка Neuve Velka ᚦᛖᛚᛣᚪᚢᚹᛉᛞ Velkauwyd Nieubasria 𐑯𐑰𐑡𐑵𐑚𐑧𐑦𐑕𐑮𐑰 Nijubeisrie Наибеисрийе Naibeisriye ᚾᛇᛄᚢᛒᛖᛁᛋᚱᛇ Nijubeisrie Nouveauterra 𐑯𐑵𐑝𐑧𐑳𐑑𐑺𐑮𐑧 Nuveutere Нувеутере Nuveutere ᚾᚢᚦᛖᚢᛏᛟᚱᛖ Nuveutere Ostronia 𐑨𐑕𐑑𐑮𐑧𐑳𐑯𐑰 Astreunie Астреунийе Astreuniye ᚪᛋᛏᚱᛖᚢᚾᛇ Astreunie Overthinkers 𐑧𐑳𐑝𐑧𐑶𐑯𐑒𐑧𐑕 Euveoinkes Врукмислести Vrukmislesti ᚳᛟᛞᛁᛚᚹᛇ Cedilwie Peourouin /𐑧𐑳𐑮𐑴𐑦𐑯 Yeureuin Пеуруен Peuruen ᛈᛖᚢᚱᛖᚢᛁᚾ Peureuin Rivalfiume 𐑮𐑦𐑤/𐑫𐑥 Rilyum Рифюм Rifyum ᚱᛁᚦᛢᛗ Rivyum Ryxtylopia 𐑮𐑦𐑒𐑕𐑑𐑦𐑤𐑧𐑳𐑐𐑰 Rikstileupie Рикстилеупийе Rikstileupiye ᚱᛁᚥᛏᛁᛚᛖᚢᛈᛇ Rikstileupie Saint Mark 𐑕𐑧𐑦𐑯𐑥𐑨𐑒 Seinmak Вети Мака Veti Maka ᛗᚫᛣᛋᚫᚾᛏ Maksant Sekiya 𐑕𐑺𐑒𐑰/𐑧 Sekiye Секийе Sekiye ᛋᛟᛣᛇᛉᛖ Sekiye Teralyon 𐑑𐑧𐑮𐑨𐑤/𐑨𐑯 Teralyan Тералиен Teralien ᛏᛖᚱᚪᛚᛉᚫᚾ Teralyan United Adaikes 𐑡𐑵𐑯𐑨𐑦𐑑𐑸𐑛𐑲𐑰𐑒𐑦𐑕 Junaitadaiikis Абединени Адаикес Abedineni Adaikis ᚪᛞᚪᛁᛣᛁᛋᚢᚾᛟᛞᛁᚷ Adaikisunedig Varanius 𐑝𐑧𐑮𐑨𐑯𐑰𐑳𐑕 Veranius Верани Verani ᚦᛖᚱᚫᚾᛇᚢᛋ Veranius Zhiznovsk 𐑧𐑦𐑟𐑯𐑨𐑝𐑕 Eiznavs Еизнавс Eiznavs ᛖᛁᛥᚾᚪᚦᛋ Eistnavs Zoran 𐑟𐑹𐑮𐑨𐑯 Zoran Зечуэдан Zecuwdan ᛥᚪᛖᚳᚢᚹᚫᚾ Staecuwan James May: Thank you very much for taking the time to read this. Here's a fact you probably caught onto, 'Veti' is Jammbonian for 'Saint'. It looks like I'm not far from Cangham now, so it's back to dealing with Pinky and Perky. Joy. [May's phone rings.] James May: Speak of the devil. [May answers the call.] James May: Hello, James speaking. Jeremy Clarkson: Hi, it's Jeremy and Richard. Just wanted to let you know, me and Hammond have been selected ahead of Shizune and Julian for the match against Cambria. James May: Right...? Richard Hammond: Now because Shizune's the captain of the team, which I think is an ingenious play- James May: You're right, I have to hand it to Hisao, he and Ayumu had a good idea going. No one's going to figure out The Youkai's strategies and adaptations unless they have a full comprehension of Hertfordian Sign Language. Richard Hammond: Exactly. Anyway, shut up. I was talking. James May: Oooooo! Jeremy Clarkson: Because Shizune has been placed on the bench for this match, Tala has been made captain. He can be quite scary. James May: Who's playing against Cambria anyway? Jeremy Clarkson: Okay, so... hold on, let me get my reading glasses. Richard Hammond: Ah, an old ape trying to read a team sheet. Jeremy Clarkson: Not the time, Hammond. James May: You got it? Jeremy Clarkson: ...Yep, I got it. Hisao and Ayumu have selected Richard, myself, you, Kirumi, Tess, Tarrick, Lichova, Nagisa, Lain, Damian, Karaina, Shu, Gwyn, Tala and Faust. James May: Hold on, Tarrick? Richard Hammond: Yep! He scored 2 tries in our 17-10 win over the hosts. James May: I never thought I'd see the day. Also, we beat Overthinkers? Richard Hammond: We did. The other try and conversion were scored by Mizore and Naho respectively. James May: ...I was almost hoping we didn't. So if I've got this straight, that means Julian, Shizune, Reimu, Free, Mizore, Nia, Brooklyn, Pri, Hanako, Rin, Clarkov, Naho, Pax and Ozen are on the bench. Richard Hammond: Yeah. Jeremy Clarkson: This is no time to be dallying, James. James May: I'll be there as quick as I can. Jeremy Clarkson: See you soon, goodbye. Hammond says bye. James May: Goodbye. [Clarkson ends the call. Over in Cangham...] Jeremy Clarkson: I'm not filled with much hope. Richard Hammond: Well, the others seem to trust that James will make it. Jeremy Clarkson: I guess we have to cross our fingers and hope for the best. Richard Hammond: Are we at the Grand Merchen or the Len Condor? Jeremy Clarkson: You know, I'm not sure. Richard Hammond: ...He's gonna get lost, isn't he? [Over with the hovervan...] James May: Now I've got some driving to do. This is no time to be Captain Slow. Come on, Captain National Speed Limit!

The R-34 Magyariv that proved the winner in the race from Lake Stour to Cangham. This is the trio's tank. The motto on the logo says 'Ambitious But Rubbish' in Hertmerian. [Hammond arrives at the H&J base in Cangham in his howitzer, having won the race.] Richard H.: Yes, I win! It's me! Thank you... oh yeah. [Hammond stops celebrating long enough to see the entire rest of the team glaring at him.] Richard H.: ...Ah. [Shortly after, Clarkson arrives in his tractor.] Jeremy C.: Oh, damn and blast! It's Hammond! Oh hang on... it looks like he's in a spot of bother right now. Gwyn R.: Where have you been? Jeremy C.: Well, about that, we had a race to see whether using the Motorway of Death between Overthinkers and Hertfordshire-Jammbo was worth it. Hammond won annoyingly, I came second while using it. The others haven't finished yet. Richard H.: I don't think it is, considering I won. Karaina C.: You know you're two matches late, right? Ayumu K.: Two matches we've been pummelled in! Pri F.: Me and Pax have been trying to get a hold of you. No answer. Jeremy C.: You have? Promestein P.: This is hard to believe. Tess D.: Listen, Jeremy. Me, Shizune and Tala have had to completely redo the entire team plan and positioning because you, Hammond and May were trying to one-up each other. Are you aware of how stressful that can be? Nia H.: It's not exactly a quick process. Lain V.: Not to mention, where's Furu? [Lain glares in Hammond's general direction. Harry, Lain's pet hedgehog, hisses.] Richard H.: Erm... Tess D.: Good point, Lain. If something's happened to them while with you then so help me...! Lain V.: Don't make me break you. Reimu H.: Would that be them? [Furu and Galatea arrive in their tank. Galatea steps out carrying a sleeping Furu.] Tess D.: Oh thank god! [Lain smiles, then notices Harry is out of his neck fur coat and strokes him.] Nagisa I.: Hi, Galatea! Galatea F.: Quiet down. Clarkov's completely nodded off. Nagisa I.: Sorry. Kirumi S.: I hope it's just one of their sleep attacks. I'm not about to lose the colour in my world. Galatea F.: Yeah, it's one of those. Nothing to worry about, Kirumi. Reimu H.: I can carry them if you want. I'll take them inside. Galatea F.: No, it's alright. Hisao N.: You're clearly struggling. I wouldn't over-exert yourself. If anyone knows not to do that, it's me. Galatea F.: Well, okay. Be careful with my son. [Galatea hands Furu over to Reimu, Reimu and Hisao take Furu inside the base to a bed.] Brooklyn M.: You know, Furu looks adorable when they're asleep. Ozen I.: I have to agree. Pax F.: Reimu not being lazy? ...Besides the point. Now that they're here, we finally have the full first team. Their absence forced me to throw all my strategies out the window. I'm far from pleased. Karaina C.: Not only that, all my rituals and spells failed to help anything at all. If either a researcher or a witch are missing even one ingredient, the whole thing falls apart. Ozen I.: You say that like your witchcraft had any chance to work. Ayumu K.: You never know, it could have worked. Nagisa I.: It clearly didn't. Ozen I.: Things never seem to go your way here. It's always the same. Hanako I.: H-hey, Ozen. It m-might not seem like it, but I'm sure things will get better. Pax F.: Yes, Hanako's right. It can only go up from here. Kirumi S.: Is that Bureaucracy Stig? [Bureaucracy Stig and The Stig arrive in their coach, Bureaucracy Stig steps out while The Stig drives off elsewhere.] Free de la H.: So, how was your trip...? Bureaucracy Stig: ... [Bureaucracy Stig simply walks past everyone to the nearest sitting place and breaks out Excel to do files. Free is unbothered.] Tala V.: Does he ever stop being a bureaucrat? Free de la H.: I mean, we are in bureaucracy country. Shizune H.: ... [Sign Language -> Translation: Alright everyone, we need to get a roll call in. This is serious, in fact you can never take anything too seriously. Get to it!] [Shizune waves her hands in a grandiose way to get her instruction across. Everyone present gets into a line to be accounted for.] Julian K.: If anyone asks, I've been translating our conversation to signage for her. Shu K.: ... [Sign Language -> Translation: Reimu and Hisao are inside, just so you know.] Shizune H.: ... [Sign Language -> Translation: Thanks for letting me know. Other than them, we have myself, Julian, Free, Mizore, Lichova, Nagisa, Promestein, Damian, Rin, Furu, Naho, Pax, Faust, Richard, Jeremy, Kirumi, Tess, Nia, Brooklyn, Pri, Lain, Hanako, Karaina, Shu, Gwyn, Tala, Ozen, Ayumu. ...Wait a minute. That's only 30!] Mizore S.: ... [Sign Language -> Translation: Where are the other two?] ???: Everyone. [Everyone turns towards the origin of the voice.] A man who none bar a couple of the members has seen before. Pretty much the whole Youkai fanbase adores him. Lichova F.: Who is...? Damian H.: A local legend. Rin T.: The focus of that one question seen on H&J-related social media forums - 'Who wouldn't want him as their husband or dad?'. [Galatea slowly steps forward, recognising the man.] Galatea F.: Is that... you? Tarrick J.: Please... call me Tarrick. [Galatea can hardly believe her closest friend since childhood has made it.] Tarrick J.: There's so much to tell you. Jeremy C.: Um, chaps! Naho S.: Oh? You have something to say, Jeremy? Does it relate to where James is because I've been wondering why he isn't here yet. Jeremy C.: You know how me, Hammond and the rest of us in the race were really late? Faust H.: How could we forget? Jeremy C.: Well, it could be worse. [As Clarkson explains what the worse thing is, somewhere along the shore of Overthinkers, May is barrelling along in his hovervan as fast as he can.] James M.: Cock! This is a massive oh cock! Earlier on, one of many Hertfordshire-Jammbo pirate ships known as the Morituros raided May. The pirates made off with all his rum and nearly all of his dignity. They would have captured him if not for his threat of making them listen to James explaining things. Many an 'Aaarrr!' were heard. This is what Clarkson meant when he said 'well, it could be worse'.

James May: Hello, viewers. You join us here at Lake Stour, or Leik Stue in Anglian, or Ezero Ste in Jammbonian, or Staue Lin in Hertmerian, or ... [Hertfordian Sign Language -> Translation: Lake Stour in Hertfordian Sign Language], or- Jeremy Clarkson: James, we don't have time for the name of this lake in all languages in the world. James May: Philistine. Richard Hammond: Anyway, we're here because we are preparing for a race. Jeremy Clarkson: That's right. We are preparing to go see and participate as part of The Youkai in the 5th Rugby World Cup which is being held in Overthinkers, a land that James loves very much. James May: He's right, it may just be my favourite nation in the world. Their organisation and sensibleness is impeccable. Richard Hammond: It's the closest nation to Hertfordshire-Jammbo even if it doesn't border it, which should mean an easy trip in theory, but there's a problem. Jeremy Clarkson: You see, the main road connection between the two is the Barrett-Maxwell International Highway, well that's what they call it, we here call it the Magyacwel Motorway. It's 450 miles at least. James May: The c in that is pronounced like an s. Jeremy Clarkson: ...Anyway, the Magyacwel Motorway is also known by a nickname of the Motorway of Death. Richard Hammond: From what we can gather, Hertfordshire-Jammbo and Overthinkers drive on opposite sides of the road. Here to explain what that means, is me on this howitzer. Now this is really quite simple. Overthinkers seems to drive on the right, so they in their cars go straight on, swerve to avoid a tractor, then crash into a tree or river and die. Hertfordshire-Jammbo drives on the left, so they drive down the same bit of road, see an Overthinkan in their car, but they plough straight on in a tractor, flip over the car and die. Now, our road system is best because you don't know what's going to kill you. Jeremy Clarkson: Very good, thank you Hammond. Richard Hammond: You're welcome, and now you've got to head somewhere I'm guessing by your pose that looks like you're about to do the only bit of exercise you'll do on this trip? Jeremy Clarkson: Yes I have, don't worry it's very important. Richard Hammond: Off you go then. [Clarkson leaves to get something very important.] James May: Back to the task at hand, we couldn't agree on whether to avoid the Magyacwel Motorway or not, so we decided to have a race to settle it. Here's what I'm using, it's a hovervan, and it is the Anglianest of all the Anglian seafaring vehicles. Well, apart from the pirate ships we get across our shores. Richard Hammond: And I shall be attempting to beat him in this, it's a R-34 Magyariv, an armoured heavy cruiser howitzer. It weighs 37 tons, can go 32m/h and will pretty much crush anything in its way. It also has a range of 155 miles and a 77mm high velocity gun, for if any moving obstacles block my path. Like, for instance, a bureaucrat. Speaking of which... [Bureaucracy Stig walks to the duo, still with a tie from the business meeting they had finished.] James May: While I'm going through the Chelmer, the main capital Parndeben and the Medway to the sea, and while Hammond is desecrating the Andolian landscape in his tank, the Stig's Bureaucrat Cousin here will be taking a coach driven by the Stig which will take him along the Magyacwel Motorway to Cangham which is where The Youkai will be engaged in battle in Group A. So are you ready? Richard Hammond: Yes! James May: Ready? Bureaucracy Stig: ... [Bureaucracy Stig is too distracted by some files to hear James.] James May: ...Let's go. Richard Hammond: Excellent. [Clarkson arrives back with an unexpected someone with him.] Jeremy Clarkson: Ah! Hang on, hang ooooon! There is a fourth way. Clarkov Furutani: There's a fifth too. Richard Hammond: Oh god. James May: Don't tell me, a jet-pack? Jeremy Clarkson: No. Richard Hammond: A snow cloud? Clarkov Furutani: What do you take me for, strange? [Hammond and May takes side glances at each other.] Richard Hammond: A plasma-powered horse? Clarkov Furutani: No. Jeremy Clarkson: No, I've got a tractor. This one, it's the JCB Fastrak and this is a tractor that the army use! Richard Hammond: Oh, the army. Well known all over the world as... farmers. James May: I bet some of them are once in a while. Jeremy Clarkson: This has an 8.3l turbo-charged engine, unlike any other tractor. Top speed's unlimited. [Furu bursts into slight laughter.] Richard Hammond: No... no listen, if we want to get to Overthinkers without becoming un-alived or caught up in endless red tape, we need to get there well, not quickly. [Hammond gestures at his howitzer.] Clarkov Furutani: Coming from you, Hammond? Richard Hammond: Alright then crip, what have you got? Clarkov Furutani: A tank, like you, though this Type-17 Sata-Andagi can go in the water. Probably unrelated to that one girl in the team who casually says 'sata andagi' whenever she's holding a sweet food item. Due to my narcolepsy I can't drive without the risk of falling asleep, plus I'm 15. So my mum, Galatea, is driving. Galatea Furutani: That Magyariv's a howitzer, Clarkov. Clarkov Furutani: Oh yeah... James May: Ah, hello there, you must be Galatea. Galatea Furutani: Hello, yeah that's me. I'm here because Clarkov can't function on their own anywhere they don't know. I used to be in the Sensha-do team at Clarkov's school Yamaku Academy, so I know how to drive tanks. I work there as a mental health staff manager now. Richard Hammond: Isn't that that one school for the disabled? Clarkov Furutani: Yeah, though you don't have to be disabled to attend. Richard Hammond: Ah, okay, back to your tank Furu, the what? Clarkov Furutani: A lot of tanks that were used in the Hertfordian War went on to be acquired by schools to be used in a varied sport revolving around them. No, it's not fatal. That's where we got this Sata-Andagi from. Richard Hammond: I thought about using that, but settled on the Magyariv because this only does what, 21m/h on land and 11m/h in water. Clarkov Furutani: I don't think it matters. I imagine there's more than a few swamps for you to inevitably crash into. Richard Hammond: Yes... ha ha. Jeremy Clarkson: ...Hammond? Richard Hammond: Yeah? Jeremy Clarkson: Did you just call Furu a cripple? Richard Hammond: What? They told me it's fine. [Clarkson and May turn to Furu, who nods to confirm that they're fine with it.] Jeremy Clarkson: Hm, fair enough. Bureaucracy Stig: ... [Bureaucracy Stig points at the watch to gesture that it's time to go.] James May: Good point, Bureaucracy Stig, we'd better start. Now to figure out how to start this hovervan. Galatea Furutani: No pre-flight checks this time, James? James May: We're already behind thanks to bureaucracy. I'd rather not waste any more time. Jeremy Clarkson: James in a hurry. Never thought I'd see the day. Richard Hammond: Uh, Furu? We're starting now. Clarkov Furutani: Huh? Coming. [Clarkson and Hammond begin the race.] James May: Why is Bureaucracy Stig just standing there? [Furu shrugs, May and Furu - who was distracted by some dandelions - begin the race.] Bureaucracy Stig: ... [Bureaucracy Stig finally finishes with their MP4-12C document or whatever and begins the race.] The JCB Fastrak of Clarkson, the R-34 Magyariv of Hammond, the Hovervan of May, the Coach of Bureaucracy Stig and the Type 17 Sata-Andagi of Furu.

Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby 101 The Nowhere-Land - Names For The Tsardom Language Native Script Common Script Anglian 𐑣𐑸𐑑𐑓𐑫𐑛𐑕𐑻𐑯𐑛𐑧𐑨𐑥𐑚𐑴 𐑮𐑨𐑜𐑚𐑰 𐑡𐑫𐑯𐑡𐑺𐑯 Hartferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen Jammbonian Кятфедсуз и Жамбею Рагби Суйуз Kartfedsuw y Zhambeyu Ragbi Suyuz Hertmerian ᚪᚾᛞᛟᛒ ᚱᛁᚷᛒᛇ ᛋᚹᛉᛞᚻᚪᚱᛏᚠᚩᚱᛞᚫᛗᛒᚩ Andeb Rigbi Swydhertfordaambo The Star Breaker - Nickname: The Youkai Language Native Script Common Script Anglian 𐑛𐑧𐑡𐑧𐑳𐑒𐑲 Dejeukai Jammbonian Де Привидени De Privideni Hertmerian ᛁᛞᚱᚪᛁᛏᛇᚪᛞᛖᛁ Idraitsiadei The Things You See If You Have Functioning Eyes - Badge + Flag + Kit Hair Gel And Paint As Standard - The Roster The Tactics... And Things That Aren't Tactics - Style Modifier And RP Things Style: +1.7 Choose my try scorers: No Choose my kicker: No RP injuries: Ask me Godmod scoring events: Ask me Godmod injuries: Ask me Godmod other events: Ask me The Ill-Fitting - A Random Fact The Anglian language, used by the Hertfordians - who are the result of ethnic mixing between the original Anglians and the Hertmerians who originally inhabited the land of ice and snow before the former arrived during a period between 90BF and 51BF - is generally used in the Shavian script. Despite that, logos tend to employ the Common script. This may be due to the Anglian language being more than slightly similar to Common itself which is believed to have originated in Saint Mark. It is unknown whether the Anglians or current day Hertfordians have any links to the Markans in either language or any other measure.

Hertfordshire and Jammbo - The Youkai - have returned to join the tournament and haunt Dalimbar. The land of shrines, trains and literal ice hotels is thinking about a potential bid to host.

Nation name: Hertfordshire and Jammbo (Hertfordshire-Jammbo) Nation trigram: HEJ Players: 1. Ayumu Kasuchenko 2. Dynamis Jansons 3. Shemha Hazurov

I wouldn't care if it had to be outside, I'd rather decorate a real tree.

Clarkson, Hammond and May had all been through a fair bit. Uncovering hidden Ryxtylopian slums, meeting the Tsar's security and doing surprisingly well in The Genesis, it was time for a bit of relaxation... D. Handpump: You said this would be relaxing. J. Clarkson: It is. [May is up a ladder on the roof of the building where the trio is staying. Clarkson holds back laughter.] D. Handpump: I don't like it. R. Hammond: It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate, climb it! D. Handpump: Not if you're me, it's not. [Clarkson looks toward the camera The Stig is holding and the viewers beyond it.] J. Clarkson: Now I should point out to the viewers that James is scared of heights. Like, really scared. D. Handpump: How many of Clarkov's art pieces are up here? R. Hammond: One. D. Handpump: One?! R. Hammond: Yes, a drawing. D. Handpump: Just leave it! R. Hammond: Furu's bodyguard will shoot us, mate, we can't. D. Handpump: Wha- Just because that expressionless confusing disabled bastard is hanging around in there blabbing about dandelions or something, we have to retrieve their piece of paper? J. Clarkson: Furu never asked for this, Esmeralda made us do it after she found out you had misplaced it. D. Handpump: ...I was sort of hoping you didn't know that. R. Hammond: Yeah, we gotta do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it. D. Handpump: Hammond, I... I- I hate... I hate heights, you know I do. I hate ladders, I hate bodyguards. J. Clarkson: You got on just fine with Vanya, Handpump. D. Handpump: Very funny. R. Hammond: Furu's self-appointed bodyguard... don't you think she's being a bit vindictive? J. Clarkson: Yes, but what is a fat middle aged man supposed to do? R. Hammond: Honestly, this makes me wonder why we don't meet people of other nations often. D. Handpump: Well, the last time we did was with Quiyakaso and that ended about as well as you'd expect. R. Hammond: Oh yeah. J. Clarkson: Uh, guys? I just got the results in, we beat Fujai 2-0. R. Hammond: That's good and all, but we need to finish this off. | 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) | | Ha'way The Lads! | | Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |