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Clarkov

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Clarkov last won the day on June 12

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About Clarkov

  • Birthday 11/11/2003

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    Planet Jammbo/Furutani Glacier Shrine
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  1. Hertfordshire and Jammbo - The Youkai - have returned to join the tournament and haunt Dalimbar. The land of shrines, trains and literal ice hotels is thinking about a potential bid to host.
  2. I, Hertfordshire and Jammbo, swear that I have, to the best of my knowledge, been completely truthful in applying for citizenship in The West Pacific and that I have no other NationStates identity that has not been made known in this application. I swear my allegiance to The West Pacific and its citizens, and I swear not to engage in hostilities against The West Pacific or to violate The Manners of Governance, or any laws made pursuant to it.
  3. Nation name: Hertfordshire and Jammbo (Hertfordshire-Jammbo) Nation trigram: HEJ Players: 1. Ayumu Kasuchenko 2. Dynamis Jansons 3. Shemha Hazurov
  4. I wouldn't care if it had to be outside, I'd rather decorate a real tree.
  5. Clarkson, Hammond and May had all been through a fair bit. Uncovering hidden Ryxtylopian slums, meeting the Tsar's security and doing surprisingly well in The Genesis, it was time for a bit of relaxation... D. Handpump: You said this would be relaxing. J. Clarkson: It is. [May is up a ladder on the roof of the building where the trio is staying. Clarkson holds back laughter.] D. Handpump: I don't like it. R. Hammond: It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate, climb it! D. Handpump: Not if you're me, it's not. [Clarkson looks toward the camera The Stig is holding and the viewers beyond it.] J. Clarkson: Now I should point out to the viewers that James is scared of heights. Like, really scared. D. Handpump: How many of Clarkov's art pieces are up here? R. Hammond: One. D. Handpump: One?! R. Hammond: Yes, a drawing. D. Handpump: Just leave it! R. Hammond: Furu's bodyguard will shoot us, mate, we can't. D. Handpump: Wha- Just because that expressionless confusing disabled bastard is hanging around in there blabbing about dandelions or something, we have to retrieve their piece of paper? J. Clarkson: Furu never asked for this, Esmeralda made us do it after she found out you had misplaced it. D. Handpump: ...I was sort of hoping you didn't know that. R. Hammond: Yeah, we gotta do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it. D. Handpump: Hammond, I... I- I hate... I hate heights, you know I do. I hate ladders, I hate bodyguards. J. Clarkson: You got on just fine with Vanya, Handpump. D. Handpump: Very funny. R. Hammond: Furu's self-appointed bodyguard... don't you think she's being a bit vindictive? J. Clarkson: Yes, but what is a fat middle aged man supposed to do? R. Hammond: Honestly, this makes me wonder why we don't meet people of other nations often. D. Handpump: Well, the last time we did was with Quiyakaso and that ended about as well as you'd expect. R. Hammond: Oh yeah. J. Clarkson: Uh, guys? I just got the results in, we beat Fujai 2-0. R. Hammond: That's good and all, but we need to finish this off. | 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) | | Ha'way The Lads! | | Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |
  6. Due to May being an imbecile and wandering into the Ryxtylopian slums, he ended up meeting with the Tsar while Clarkson and Hammond are searching for him within the slums... J. Clarkson: Where's he gone? R. Hammond: I don't know, but it doesn't look very friendly around here. J. Clarkson: It feels like we're going to get rocks thrown at us just for being here. R. Hammond: The last thing I need is to get chased out of Ryxtylopia by an angry mob. J. Clarkson: You'd put Operation Bugger Off into action, I'm guessing. R. Hammond: Well, yeah. J. Clarkson: So would I. But if we can't, then... [Clarkson brandishes a hammer and gives Hammond some scissors.] R. Hammond: You do know you're just going to make us bigger targets. J. Clarkson: Well, if we are attacked by irate Ryxtylopians then I can hit them in the middle of their face and you can insert those scissors into their eyes. R. Hammond: Okay. J. Clarkson: Anyway, what were we doing? R. Hammond: Looking for James, he's probably made his way to Dalimbar by now. J. Clarkson: Can you imagine the Dalimbari dealing with James May's pre-flight checks? R. Hammond: I don't see how they'd tolera- oh, bugger. He's over there in the car with the Frozen Crown symbol on it. J. Clarkson: Oh... hang on, is that Tsar Mecislavs? R. Hammond: Yeah. This can't be good. [The Tsar and his bodyguards - Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya - drop May off to where Clarkson and Hammond are looking for him.] Tsar Mecislavs I: I believe this is yours. J. May: Thanks very much. J. Clarkson: James, what was that? J. May: Err, I can explain. Liben V.: Hopefully not. R. Hammond: What have you done?! J. May: Wait, what do you mean? Tsar Mecislavs I: I'll explain. When I and my security found James, we had to navigate our way through Ryxtylopian slums. R. Hammond: Slums that the government here denied the existence of. Tsar Mecislavs I: Exactly. J. Clarkson: That's actually quite serious. J. May: I heard a few murmurings in the slums about how unhappy the people in it were at the Football World Cup taking place currently. Tsar Mecislavs I: That's right. Larysa O.: I can attest to that. My partners were in earshot of discussions about some protest crackdowns. Tsar Mecislavs I: I can't just reveal that Ryxtylopia's government have been hiding these conditions from the world. Liben V.: That is true. I mean, who's going to believe the absolute monarch of some isolated frozen nowhere land with less than 10 people/km2? R. Hammond: Well, no one without video evidence. J. May: Ah ha. You cannot even begin to comprehend the bounds of my forthcoming genius. J. Clarkson: That's my line! [May reveals a secret camera hidden in his tie.] J. May: Ta da! I used this to film the slums while I was being, well, lost in them. Tsar Mecislavs I: You had that this whole time? J. May: Actually I almost forgot it. J. Clarkson: Tell the Tsar why you almost forgot it. J. May: ...okay, I did go overboard with the pre-flight checks and that's how. Svetoslav S.: Such business has no need to take upwards of three hours. R. Hammond: That's what I kept trying to tell him. J. May: You have to admit, it is quite fun. R. Hammond: You are joking! That's about as fun as watching The Genesis lose 2-1 at the last minute to Nieubasria or watching a bear play as goalkeeper. J. Clarkson: Let's not get bogged down with who is so old that he calls Andoliaville the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland. R. Hammond: Don't forget that he thinks they should belong to Varanius. J. Clarkson: Well we'll gloss over that and get to a point I've been wanting to make. Did you nick James' identity details? Vanya P.: Yeah... J. May: Hang on, a top level bodyguard for the monarch of Hertfordshire and Jammbo thought it would be funny to use her access to royal accounts to impersonate me? Vanya P.: Who said bodyguards are no fun? Tsar Mecislavs I: Vanya has a point. That's kind of why I didn't stop her. J. Clarkson: Yes, but what fascinates me is that she had a choice. She could have been Adsila Ani-Wah, or Marcarius. R. Hammond: Yeah, you can look around the world, anybody. 'I wanna be Marshall Briand. Cool. Powerful. No, wait a minute! I want to live in Great Parndon and have a folding bicycle, so that one day, I can walk out of my house and say "Look at me, behold! I have become James May... and now I will organise your paper clips, have you got a pie?"'. [Clarkson, Vanya, Mecislavs and Larysa can't help but burst into varied degrees of laughter.] J. Clarkson: Well th- n- the good thing James, is we can guarantee this will never happen to you again. Becau- J. May: Can you... J. Clarkson: Yes, because we have come up with a new name for you. R. Hammond: Yeah. You are now... Dingleberry Handpump. That is your name, a new identity. J. Clarkson: Nobody's gonna steal that because nobody's going to enter a mobile phone shop and say 'I'd like to set up an account please, my name is Dingleberry Handpump'. You're completely safe, it's just that that's now your name. Vanya P.: I wouldn't steal that name. R. Hammond: Our case rests. Dingleberry Handpump: I appreciate that. Svetoslav S.: I implore that we should leave these slums as soon as possible. I'm not sticking around for when another protest begins. Tsar Mecislavs I: Good point. We're leaving this place. [Mecislavs and his security/bodyguards Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya get back into the royal limo, not before Vanya smiled at and waved goodbye to Handpump May.] Tsar Mecislavs I: By the way, Handpump. D. Handpump: Yes... Tsar Mecislavs I: Could you send me your filming of the Ryxtylopian slums? No one else knows about what we've been doing here, so it should be fine. D. Handpump: Yeah, I can arrange that. Tsar Mecislavs I: Thanks. [Mecislavs and his security embark back to the lounge they're staying in, which is the same one as The Genesis.] R. Hammond: Don't Slow run the place where the Tsar is staying? No wonder James likes it. J. Clarkson: Them and IceHotel. The same place The Genesis are staying. D. Handpump: IceHotel originally started out in 1389 as a sort of breakaway art gallery and grew into a hotel and bar group from there. As you'd expect, it's an independent thing run by a group of artists with the intent of expressing their own take on the world, each of them giving their own spin to the hotel made of ice and snow. They apparently took inspiration from the River Brandon which they use for material all year rou- J. Clarkson: Okay, that's enough Handpump. Sadly we haven't got time for your lecture on all of IceHotel's history. [Handpump rolls his eyes.] R. Hammond: The ads we made are ready, right? D. Handpump: Yeah. R. Hammond: Very good. So, anyone who's watching or does watch this, there you are. Jeremy made the first one, I made the second and Handpump made the third one. J. Clarkson: Can we do Operation Bugger Off now? D. Handpump: Yeah. R. Hammond: Let's. | 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) | | Ha'way The Lads! | | Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |
  7. When Clarkson, Hammond and May all convened with the rest of The Genesis, they spent an idle time driving about. Hammond then told the other two to go away... Jokichi Y.: Hey! I brought that camera you asked for. Lyubomyr D.: Just put it over there, yeah? Enrico P.: Yes. The others will sort it out. Rashad G.: Hey, you need any help? Ozen I.: That won't be necessary. Kanako Y.: Let's hurry up here, we don't exactly have time to be lazing about. Nia H.: This feels like a scene from an anime. [Reimu yawns excessively, refusing to move from the strenuous activity of drinking sake on the floor with a glorified pillow for comfort] Reimu H.: Do I have to? This is hardly important. Clarkov S.: ...Really? Rashad G.: You're not exempt from this, Reimu. Yuri M.: Look over here. Now would you come and help please? [Reimu reluctantly gets up and helps the others set up the equipment, Hammond then enters the room.] R. Hammond: Thanks guys. You've been a real help today. Rashad G.: No problem, Richard. You said you wanted it done quickly. R. Hammond: Yeah, I got something I want to show. Seiko S.: Well, let's clear the area and let Richard get to it. [Hammond prepares to address the viewers tuning in to the live session while the others leave the room.] Seiko S.: Hey, did you know Richard always ad-libs his videos? Naho S.: I think we all knew that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to be looking for someone. Info-C.: Still searching for Kou, I see. Naho S.: Who else? Lain, make sure Seiko doesn't follow me. I'm not sure I can bear her. Lain V.: Yeah, no problem. [Lain grabs Seiko by the arm and drags her along with him, Naho diverts in search of her mentor and Hammond turns on the camera to begin filming.] R. Hammond: Hello. This is rather impromptu from me, but you'll soon see why. Now, I'm known to have a lot of people back in Hertfordshire & Jammbo... mainly teenage girls and a few teenage boys... that think I'm the most handsome person this side of Oliver. J. May: Oliver...! [May holds back laughter in the distance.] R. Hammond: Ignore that, it's just a spaniel. Anyway, I was reading some of those comments underneath the videos of us three and thought to myself, 'what if anyone wants to pretend to be us'. Weird thought, I know, but to solve that I came up with this. [Hammond holds up a shoddy title card.] [Because James is slow and lost, we couldn't get his part done in time. Sorry. - Richard Hammond] R. Hammond: Hang on, I've just received word that The Genesis were beaten 2-1 by Candelu and because of that we are now fifth in our group. [Clarkson enters the room from behind Hammond.] J. Clarkson: It gets worse, I'm afraid. We're up against Nieubasria next. R. Hammond: We may be screwed... anyway, have you managed to get a hold of James? J. Clarkson: Sadly, I couldn't tell where James had gone, because he's an imbecile. [Clarkson shows Hammond a photo of James having become lost in a very strange area of Ryxtylopia.] Clarkson told Hammond about Gwyn's good performances in the central midfield position that Hammond would be taking back starting with the upcoming match. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to everyone... Tsar Mecislavs I: Right then. I'm ready. Are you all ready to go? Svetoslav S.: We're ready and waiting for the all clear. Tsar Mecislavs I: Good job. I know I can count on all of you. Larysa O.: We'll scan any potential threats on our journey. If we are breached, you already know how to fight. Tsar Mecislavs I: You know me well. I didn't just spend my time as an Esferiad athlete doing my chosen sports after all. A good monarch is always prepared. Now then, time to enter the slums. Let's see what's really going on here. [Somewhere not far from where the Tsar is, May is only just realising that he's lost. Not for the first time this trip.] J. May: Erm... chaps.... | 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) | | Ha'way The Lads! | | Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |
  8. The trio were meant to be flying across the Darkesian Sea in their military plane towards Saint Mark to circumvent it. Problem was, May was flying... R. Hammond: While we could be thundering past Giovanniland, James is making our lives a misery... again. [Clarkson looks down to what's below them.] J. Clarkson: Er... we can't be at Ryxtylopia already, right? R. Hammond: James, why can I see a nation? J. May: Er, because I went in the wrong direction mate. I didn't tell you this, I made a route towards the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland and have had to go along through there a bit and we'll head up toward- R. Hammond: H- I'm sorry? We, on a route towards Saint Mark, have flown into Andoliavilla? J. May: Yeah mate. Sorry. R. Hammond: So you've made us get lost in this farm prop as well as slower. J. Clarkson: That is the face of a Hammond who knows that all the pre-flight checks in the world can't compensate for being stuck in an airborne tumble dryer with Esferos' slowest man at the controls. Also it's Andoliaville. R. Hammond: No, Andoliavilla. J. May: Officially it's called the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland, but they call it Giovandolia so that's what its name is. J. Clarkson: James, we're not from Giovanniland, we're from Hertfordshire-Jammbo. We call it Endeuliyevil or Entestiprazye and that translates to Andoliaville. R. Hammond: I maintain your wrongness on this. J. May: I was being correct. J. Clarkson: Pfft, whatever. R. Hammond: No you weren't. J. May: And anyway, it's a colony. They ought to leave this continent. R. Hammond: Has James been swapped for a Varanian? J. Clarkson: He's not a Varanian, but he is an old lady. J. May: I'm a what? No sorry, I missed that. R. Hammond: I mean... I knew he was from the 10th century, but really? J. Clarkson: He's always been an old lady, he was born an old lady. Congratulations Mrs. May, it's an old lady! [Hammond laughs into the air, May is confused.] J. Clarkson: Anyway, back to the main topic, we're lost. J. May: No we're not. I think. R. Hammond: Whichever way you cut it, this is the wrong way. J. Clarkson: Hang on a second. We're flying in a plane from the Armed Forces. R. Hammond: Yeah. J. Clarkson: I hope the Giovannilandians don't send a welcome party. R. Hammond: How are you doing? J. Clarkson: Yeah, I'm fine. How about you? R. Hammond: We're going the wrong way, we've veered off west into Andoliavilla and are flying over it right now. So that's a no. J. Clarkson: A route imposed by James' inability to use a map. R. Hammond: We have to fly over every town. There's a place called Giovenoria that could be a bit tricky for us. Ugh... [Hammond puts his head in his hands in despair. Clarkson adjusts the camera through which Hertfordians and Jammbonians (and Hertmerians) back home are watching them.] J. Clarkson: So if you've just started watching us, an update on our trip for you. We're behind schedule... by miles. [The plane continues to fly through Giovanniland and out onto the Darkesian Sea where it has to divert heavily to avoid encroaching onto any more countries. It's passing along the coast of Dilber when Hammond pipes up again when he tries to eat his lunch.] R. Hammond: James. I've got no fork. J. May: Yeah, it's not allowed on the flight. R. Hammond: Well it's just as well 'cause if I had any cutlery right now it'd be sticking out your neck! J. Clarkson: Richard. R. Hammond: Yeah? J. Clarkson: I found these sheets. Do you think I should show this to the audience? R. Hammond: I don't see why not. Style: +1.7 RP permissions If my opponent RPs first, they may... Injure my players: yes Assign my players yellow cards: no Assign my players red cards: no Godmod injuries: no Godmod scoring: no Godmod other events: no A sheet with what was seemingly useful drivel on there. But the trio had figured out that this must have been important otherwise it wouldn't be in the plane with them. It looked like some kind of permission slip. J. Clarkson: Certainly, the roster of The Genesis is more of an engineering triumph than James' plane... R. Hammond: We've got no bloody forks. J. May: Stop whinging about the ruddy in-flight food, man. R. Hammond: Fuck's sake... J. May: And don't jig about, 'cause we're climbing. We're struggling a bit here. R. Hammond: I am not jiggling! J. May: Yeah, but Jeremy is. R. Hammond: How rubbish is this thing if I can't even lift a chocolate bar to my face without us crashing into a mountain of drugs or Quiyakaso?! J. Clarkson: I know what will cheer you up, Richard. Let's talk about a car made back home, the Buralati Chirkov. More specifically, the special "Legends of the Snow" version that was made in honour of the Hertfordshire & Jammbo cricket team that won the T20 World Cup. You know, even though there are these huge cooling guts and the engine has no cover at all, that thing has 11 radiators. 4 to cool the engine itself, 3 for the intercoolers, 1 to do the axle oil, 1 to do the engine oil and 2 to cool the hydraulic fluid used to raise it's rear spoiler. ...It's got more radiators than my house! R. Hammond: ...That was made in Hertfordshire & Jammbo? J. Clarkson: I know it seems absurd but I promise you, it's not as far fetched as it seems. Most of our land is untouched countryside with mountain ranges, lakes, a lot of snow and miles of quiet straight roads. It's the sort of country a hypercar could unleash everything it has in, providing the roads aren't too covered in ice or frost. The Buralati Chirkov that Clarkson was talking about. It has a quad-turbo W16 engine that produces 1,578bhp and goes to a top speed of 305m/h. It's the fastest car that Hertfordshire & Jammbo has managed thus far. It's named after legendary Hertmerian racing driver Lui Chirkov. He is believed to be living at Hestmere in Overthinkers, but this has yet to be proven. R. Hammond: That is just... wow. Incredible. J. Clarkson: You know what else is incredible? R. Hammond: What? J. Clarkson: James looks like he's preparing another lump of disappointment. J. May: Hammond? Clarkson? We have to stop for fuel. R. Hammond: Well, why didn't you put more in? J. May: Well I filled it up. That's as much as it takes. R. Hammond: So we've got to pull over for petrol? J. May: Are you, er, are you familiar with the basic principles of flight? R. Hammond: No. J. May: One of the problems we have is because the plane is heavily loaded is that we need, essentially, more lift so we have to fly with the wings at a slightly higher angle... R. Hammond: Oh god... J. Clarkson: I'm nodding off. [May continues his lecture, which takes so long that by the time he had finished, they were flying over their destination. Not that May was aware of this.] J. Clarkson: Guys? J. May: Yeah? J. Clarkson: We're here. Look. [Hammond and May look out of the windscreen and window respectively to see Ryxenia coming into view.] J. May: Guess we don't need to stop for fuel after all. Just need to re-fill when we land. J. Clarkson: Or whatever it is that flying fridge-freezers run on. R. Hammond: I'm starting to think James' plane plan wasn't as lightning fast as I'd first imagined. J. May: Remind me to tell the person who refuels our planes to stop being such a Fujansk trade unionist and get on with it. J. Clarkson: Oh! Before we go, viewers, I want to show you this. It's the roster of The Mafia, otherwise known as The Genesis. I'd have shown this to you earlier but, well, you know... [Clarkson uses his head to gesture to May.] J. May: "Wait a minute. Why did Petersburg edit her profile to have horns?" | Esmeralda P.: "I don't have to disclose that." | R. Hammond: "The thing about having a deaf-mute captain is that no one besides us lot know what we're planning. Unless you happen to have complete knowledge of sign language." J. Clarkson: Can I just point out that the first match of Hertfordshire & Jammbo has finished already? We drew 0-0 with Saint Mark. J. May: Has it? How's that happened? J. Clarkson: Maybe it has to do with the fact that your pre-flight checks and sense of direction have caused us to be catastrophically late? J. May: Oh cock... The trio and their plane finally landed in a field nearby Ryxenia, from which Clarkson and Hammond got into a Buralati Chirkov that the HAJFF had shipped to Ryxtylopia for them. May meanwhile chose to get on the team coach - named "The Ragnarök" - where he received a verbal hammering from assistant manager Tess on the way to Saltavacha. | 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) | | Ha'way The Lads! | | Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |
  9. Nearby a weirdly fancy building in a town in the far west of Hertfordshire-Jammbo called Arkti in the county of Anglia... J. Clarkson: Well, we got ourselves here. We're sorted and ready to go. R. Hammond: Now, the national team's first match is against Saint Mark. They're known here for being the complete antithesis of Hertfordshire-Jammbo. Whereas they are the monocle-adjusting fancy-pants of Esferos, we are the slightly frozen over Village People. J. May: They'll probably be eating truffles about now. J. Clarkson: Δ65, they'll cost, for something that looks like a mummified testicle. Right, you two ready? R. Hammond: Have we really got our own plane? J. May: Yep. R. Hammond: Fantastic! Let's go. Onwards to Ryxtylopia. [The trio depart to the place where their plane is waiting.] J. Clarkson: I'd better not have to deal with airport check-in again today. R. Hammond: You see, this time because we're using a private plane, there's no check-in, no queuing, no waiting around. So this time, we are gonna leave early and we're gonna leave well. J. Clarkson: So we are 181 Squadron. R. Hammond: No Jeremy, that's Polaris. J. May: We're 383 Squadron. J. Clarkson: Ah. R. Hammond: Forward to victory! J. May: The Genesis are 11th in the rankings and are in a group with the current number one ranked team. Don't get carried away. R. Hammond: Come on, have a little faith. [The three make it to the field where their plane lies in wait... Clarkson rushes off to the lavatory.] R. Hammond: Go. J. Clarkson: Going. J. May: Ah ha, now we get down to business. The 0H-8J Combine Tractor that May has brought to take himself and his two colleagues to Ryxtylopia for the 3rd Football World Cup. If you may remember, the previous one was hosted right at home in Hertfordshire-Jammbo. Not sure how we landed that. R. Hammond: Hang on a second! Is that it? J. May: Well, it's a 0H-8J Combine Tractor. R. Hammond: James, it's pathetic! It looks like something a farmer would leave behind. J. May: Honestly, it's a good kite, this. R. Hammond: ...Kite?! [Clarkson comes back from the lavatory and sees the old military plane.] J. Clarkson: Hello. R. Hammond: He's trying to make us go in the sky in something you'd see poking out of a skip. J. Clarkson: What is it? What's it called? R. Hammond: 0H-8J Combine Tractor, whatever that is, it used to be an old crop duster I suspect. J. Clarkson: This is a military aircraft apparently. R. Hammond: And that's only the start. J. Clarkson: It's basically a toaster with wings nailed to the sides. R. Hammond: James, what are you actually doing now? J. Clarkson: What's happening? J. May: Well, you have to do pre-flight checks. Make sure stuff's all working properly. If you're really interested, I'm going to turn on the battery master switch along with checking the landing lights, stall warning vein, the heat and the flap operation- R. Hammond: They're likely to have broken, since it was parked? J. May: Well you don't know. R. Hammond: What, like the plane picked itself up and nibbled away at all the wires or something... J. Clarkson: If you look closely Richard you can see that James is really enjoying this. R. Hammond: If you also look closely you can see that I'm not. J. Clarkson: That makes two of us. R. Hammond: How long do these checks take? J. May: 20 minutes, half an hour. R. Hammond: ...Not today, mate. You've got... y- there must be a way of doing this more quickly. J. May: Why don't you shut up and do what airplane passengers do which is sit in the terminal, have a cup of tea, complain how expensive it is... R. Hammond: I swear, he enjoys the checks more than the flying. [May refills one of the oil compartments.] J. May: Nice. Very nice. J. Clarkson: If I tell you that The Genesis are already in sight of Ryxtylopia? R. Hammond: God, we- we really have to get a move on. James! James! I just noticed the wings have come off. Oh no, no they're still on. You can tick those, they're alright. Yep, that's on. J. May: Is it? R. Hammond: These are on, look. J. May: Tires, are they all up? R. Hammond: Yes! Go. J. Clarkson: James is still engaged in his pre-flight festival of analness? R. Hammond: Think of it this way. One of us has lost the will to live. Guess which one. [Clarkson can't help but laugh.] J. May: Because it's been standing overnight, you have to make sure there's no sediment or water in the fuel which could cause- R. Hammond: Is there any sediment or water in the fuel?! J. May: Well you have to check it like this, look I'll show you. These are drain points, you use this special cup. R. Hammond: Good, good. Oh look, it's clear. J. May: You take a sample out and you make sure there's no water in it which you would see as a separate layer. See? Clear. R. Hammond: Good. Go! In the sky. J. May: Well there are five of these on each side and two under the engine. [A time frame within 17 years later...] J. May: Got your seatbelts on? R. Hammond: Is this more checks? J. May: No, seatbelt. Put in on. R. Hammond: Yeah, it's on! J. May: Okay. [Clarkson and Hammond look at each other in sheer disbelief and exasperation.] J. May: Hello, this is 0H-8J Combine Tractor Guilty Barricade Origin Zone Mirage, request taxi for a TGT flight to the Football World Cup in Ryxtylopia please. J. Clarkson: Well that didn't take long at all. J. May: I'm ready to go. Are you ready in the back? R. Hammond: To the sky! [The trio finally take to the skies on their way from Arkti in Hertfordshire-Jammbo to Ryxenia in Ryxtylopia.] R. Hammond: You love this, don't you? J. May: I quite like it, yeah. J. Clarkson: You loved the checks more. R. Hammond: James. We don't seem to be going very fast. J. May: Well we're doing 80 knots indicated air speed. R. Hammond: 80 knots is about 85, 90 miles/hour? J. May: Yeah, it's not quite that simple 'cause we're now at a pressure altitude of nearly 7,000 feet so you have to consider the true air speed. Indicated air speed is what you fly on, that's the rate at which the air is hitting the airplane. But because it's thinner up here, we're actually going through the air faster than the indicated air speed. J. Clarkson: The pre-flight checks have taken so long that by the time we're leaving Hertfordshire-Jammbo, The Mafia are leaving the sky itself. This is the parent company of Slow Air, one of the two largest airline providers in Hertfordshire-Jammbo. The other is named Air Anglia. James really likes the lounges that Slow offers. They're doing the lounges for H&J's national team too. [Clarkson shows a small video clip of the Slow Air plane landing with the H&J football team and staff inside... the Tsar is there too.] -------------------------------------------------- | 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) | | Ha'way The Lads! | | Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |
  10. No surprise, the resident 'middle of frozen nowhere' (and previous hosts) will be attending. Pondering a change to the team logo and HNDFF logo.
  11. I can't stand that song. At least I'd remember my birthday if my family forgot.
  12. [OOC: Malfunction of computer forced this sign-up to arrive later than the intended posting time at 02:00 GMT] Drivers Driver Name: Richard Hammond Name Trigram: RHA Nationality Trigram: HEJ Preferred Car Number: 00 Second Choice Car Number: 8 Reliability (Between 2 and 5): 2 Aggression (Between 2 and 5): 5 Technique (Between 2 and 5): 5 Information: This driver is known as Sir Crash-A-Lot. Driver Name: James May Name Trigram: JMA Nationality Trigram: HEJ Preferred Car Number: 0 Second Choice Car Number: 3 Reliability (Between 2 and 5): 5 Aggression (Between 2 and 5): 2 Technique (Between 2 and 5): 5 Information: This driver is known as Captain Slow. -------------------------------------------------- Circuit Circuit Name: Sleetgrave Cemetery Circuit Race Name: The Hertfordshire-Jammbo Grand Prix Track Image: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/577959042631204895/1097306236996833280/image.png?width=797&height=585 Track Length (km): 8.4404km Qualifying Type: Traditional Track aggressiveness (1-10): 1 Track technicality (1-10): 9 Overtaking Difficulty: 3.9 Margin for error: 4.5 -------------------------------------------------- Team Team Name: Regalia Genesis (Full Name: Racing Team Regalia Genesis) Team Nation: Hertfordshire and Jammbo Nationality Trigram: HEJ Team colour (in hex code): #000000 Reliability (Between 3 and 5): 4 Acceleration (Between 2 and 5): 3 Turning (Between 2 and 5): 5 -------------------------------------------------- Engine Engine manufacturer: Flag of Convenience Engine name (if different): Mihashira Reliability (between -1 and 1): 0.6 Actuation (between -1 and 1): -0.8 Tare (between -1 and 1): 0.2 -------------------------------------------------- Tires Manufacturer Name: Eclipse Reliability (Between -1 and 1): 0.3 Traction (Between -1 and 1): -0.3 -------------------------------------------------- The vehicle used by Regalia Genesis: https://images.nightcafe.studio/jobs/ivjtmizXjCPhc7tbpGeI/ivjtmizXjCPhc7tbpGeI--1--2v3s1.jpg?tr=w-1600,c-at_max The logo of Regalia Genesis: ERROR 404 - Image Not Found
  13. With training complete and nothing else to do, Nagisa gathered some O.S.T. made back home and had everyone choose a personal theme... Shizune H.: ... [Sign language -> Translation: The rest of you presumably already know of my inability to take part.] Rococo U.: ... [Sign language -> Translation: Oh right. I'd forgotten that you're deaf and mute.] Rago N.: That just means the rest of us will listen to our chosen OST without her. Gwyn R.: It's none of my business, but we should find a way to allow Shizune and The Stig to experience this. I mean, Lisa and I have already figured out a way to bypass the deafness. Nagisa I.: Really? But how? Seiya N.: I know you two are intellectual prodigies in the conventional sense, but is that even possible? Lisa L.: Yesh. With the help of my latest invention, we will be able to transhlate the shound of the O.Sh.T. into electronical information that will be transhmitted to the brain through theshe wiresh. It will be ash if you were lishtening to it in your head. Gwyn'sh mathematical calculationsh formed the bashish of thish technology. I am sure it will sholve the problems that come with the shircumshtancesh behind Shizune's mutenessh. [Lisa makes it abundantly clear that she has a lisp, hence the 's' sounds being (OOC: written as) 'sh' instead. Gwyn signs Lisa's words to Shizune.] Nagisa I.: Wow... Julian K.: I'm meant to be the most talented person in the country, and I could never create that. Tess D.: Looks like some of us have more free time than others. Seiya N.: They've probably been working on this for a while now. [Seiya glances over at The Stig, who acts as translator for Shizune when the others aren't directly conversing with her.] Seiya N.: Still, I never would have imagined something like that was even possible. Shizune H.: ... [Sign language -> Translation: If this works, then it would prove useful. Come on Origami, we need to get this sorted, follow my lead.] [Shizune took command of the situation to Lisa's surprise and showed the rest of the team just how much of a fearsome taskmaster she can be. Gwyn was unimpressed.] Origami T.: This attaches to your head? Rago N.: That's what it appears to be for. Krux H.: Can you get on with it? We don't have all day. Shu K.: Don't rush them Krux. They know what they're doing. Delta Z.: No scientist is immune from making mistakes. The same goes for Lisa. [Gwyn has the urge to chime up and mention how math played a part, but decides not to. Delta notices Gwyn in his peripheral vision.] Delta Z.: Hm? Gwyn R.: However, there is no guarantee that it will work. This is its first use. Eirin Y.: It's too bad, if it does disappoint. [The rest of the team ponder which one of the geniuses out of Lisa, Gwyn and Eirin to believe.] Arthur P.: I hope it fails. James, you agree, don't you? ...James, I command you to stop ignoring me! James M.: I'm not convinced by that though because I think electricity is a mystery. It is. Yep. I don't actually believe in it. Nobody really understands it. Delta Z.: You don't believe in electricity? Richard H.: What you're witnessing here is Asperger's made real. Futo M.: Is that the item that makes thy urine smell most hilarious? Hyouka F.: No! Naho S.: No, that's asparagus. Mizore S.: I think Shizune is ready, shall I turn on the device? Clarkov S.: I'd wait, seems to me like Lisa is in the middle of something. The Stig: ... [Sign langauge -> Translation: Where did you appear from?] Seiya N.: That reminds me, I have some news you'll need to hear. Zoranian queen Atsil has been sent off by her ministers to seek therapy. It seems like something you normally don't care about, but keep listening. Delta Z.: When we saw that, we quickly realised that for all the 10-11 years of emotional and mental torment you've had to put up with over your childhood, coupled with the time you had to spend as Prime Minister because of a previous imbecilic lack of age limits (which are not in place for this team), you still haven't done the same. Rococo U.: It's a lucky thing you never had to attend full time besides events such as the Esferiad. The country effectively ran like an absolute monarchy before that lack of limit was remedied. Anyway, what we're saying is you need to book counselling after this tournament. It'll do a great job for your wellbeing. Shizune H.: ... [Sign language -> Translation: I concur. You've already been able to be your true self, but you can't shoulder recovery alone. You'll end up pushing away those who care about you. Take it from someone with experience of doing just that. You'll mentally cripple yourself if you don't seek help.] Eirin Y.: There'll be no need for waiting. Free has already requested me to be the therapist. Rago N.: You were the one that planned this? Free d. l. H.: That's right. I'm not about to let Clarkov destroy themselves. [Clarkov is in mild shock over hearing this and takes some time to process what they just heard. They simply turn to Free and nod and flash a small smile in appreciation as thanks.] Rago N.: Sometimes your goodness annoys me. Rococo U.: So that's settled. Don't worry, Snow Sage, you'll benefit from this. Lisa, we're all set, right? Let's kick off! [Lisa attaches the device to Shizune's head and the OST list begins. Along the way, everyone wonders what the words in some of the themes are. They chalk them off as the H&J equivalent of "Ominous Marcarian Chanting". Even when it clearly wasn't. Some also get creeped out by a few of the choices. Most notably was the often ridiculous names each of them had chosen for the OST.] -------------------------------------------------- Julian's Theme - Emperor Konstantinov: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWKbi13wE54 Shizune's Theme - The Student Council: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2eWjPEA8Sc James' Theme - Big Ideas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt1PVYiHr6o Free's Theme - Golden God: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBxsZSckvO0 Mizore's Theme - Prisoner of Passion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rJ79MYctZ4 Stig's Theme - Top Gear: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwX-KS1816c Lits' Theme - Another Beginning: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kAM42Z9gd4 Seiya's Theme - A Heated Battle With Lunar Prime: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjZgR4FPfzg Promestein's Theme - Promestein 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHrftVDITso Gankyou's Theme - Violence Competition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15X7QsyJMAs Hyouka's Theme - Another Face: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BERBNmUesOM Damian's Theme - Gates of Hell: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6syedhzF_U Naho's Theme - Solitude of Frenzy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3m2i5vKVvRk Faust's Theme - Twisted Tempo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5ybfMqA7uk Futo's Theme - Legend of the Great Gods: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POUxrKNkbA4 Eirin's Theme - History of the Moon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-xhqldl_mw Jeremy's Theme - Classical Gas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKCvYyVTJ6Q Rococo's Theme - Birth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IB2j6qBUWsM Arthur's Theme - The New King: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pynw4Exsvr0 Tess' Theme - Bloodstained Rose: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3X9LvC9WkkQ Clarkov's Theme - The Snow Sage: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8Ev-wurPT0 Kanako's Theme - Venerable Ancient Battlefield: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITYCfbE76ZM Krux's Theme - Hands of Time Reunited: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-QRIaGhjn8 Lain's Theme - Pitch-Black Flame: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7loJRR9hOgg + https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Npm_UDb487w Shu's Theme - Spirit of Fire: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HAKWe9mWZQ Richard's Theme - Blast Lab: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBUh1XzTMSg Delta's Theme - The Shining Star: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4duurmpu8Q Gwyn's Theme - Beginning Equation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kvqd9UPulqI Origami's Theme - AHIH: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKZbwuwXTNY Rago's Theme - Diablo Nemesis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9JVtBrFVgI Sage's Theme - To Whom?: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMaNTdn7Y90 Lisa's Theme - Periodic Table Rap: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxSe_Zrig_g Fuusuke's Theme - Superhuman Team Diamond Dust: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DOZ4hcwpog Nagisa's Theme - Midnight Music Room: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2yPtY0uvmM -------------------------------------------------- It would appear that one of the team members is now finally set to receive a therapy session of their own. Multiple of them.
  14. Despite the fact that this was a rugby tournament in the homeland of rugby itself, all eyes were currently on a bunch of flying things... Seiya N.: I never would have imagined a nation like Zoran being willing to do this. Faust H.: Do what? I was out looking for Tempo. Fuusuke S.: I assume you managed to find it. Naho S.: To catch you up Faust, the Zoranians have decided to sell a collection of aircraft in weapons sales to Kalmach in their war effort against Garahun. James M.: Now all the other members of this tournament are talking about it. The Stig: ... [Sign language -> Translation: The Astorian nations have been particularly vocal in their opposition.] Kanako Y.: Atsil has defended the decision by claiming that Zoran needs to be self-reliant. Nagisa I.: You can guess how well Nieubasria took that, Faust. Rago N.: Huh? Why do you care?! Hyouka F.: We don't. Futo M.: I do. Naho S.: You're in the minority then. Jeremy C.: A minority of 1. Damian H.: That filthy Nur-based country is not where my caring belongs. Lisa L.: Harsh on Kalmach, much? James M.: It's Damian, should we expect anything other than disdain? Shizune H.: ... [Sign language -> Translation: That doesn't make it right!] Richard H.: Yeah, but we still don't care. Mizore S.: Wait for us to care all day if you want to, it won't happen. Arthur P.: I'm not waiting all day. Lisa L.: It was a figure of speech. Sage R.: Shouldn't we be focusing on the match against Sekiya? I've been researching ways to get stronger. Free d. l. H.: You don't get stronger by accepting how everyone else does things. You get stronger by finding your own path. That's how champions are made. Futo M.: We used to be champions, but those days art concluded. Nagisa I.: Hey, Futo. If you think like that, everyone will be capable of getting in your way. Origami T.: Soon, it will be our time. Futo M.: Doth thou think we can pull it off? The Stig: ... [Sign language -> Translation: This team isn't called Star Breaker for nothing.] Shizune H.: ... [Sign language -> Translation: You're not alone in this feeling, and it isn't strange. But that damaged mindset won't do us any favours.] Damian H.: If you sign so. Kanako Y.: This tournament is not for the dread of Hall of Dreams adherents. It is meant as a home for the gods of sport. Nagisa I.: This is kind of annoying, I want to make it so the Sekiya team can't play anymore! The Stig: ... [Sign language -> Translation: Now I'm remembering what I saw on CCTV back home.] Eirin Y.: Before anyone asks, I was already aware of the footage The Stig is referencing. Uh, Lain, are you okay? [Lain has flashbacks to the matches against Dalimbar and Larxia] Lain V.: ...What is this? Why do I feel this way?! Seiya N.: Lain is almost at border point. He's experiencing an inner desire to battle strong opponents, especially historical rivals Dalimbar and local rivals Larxia. Let's leave him alone for now. When we next see him, he'll have tapped into a new level of power. The team did as Seiya suggested and left Lain to it. Although he denied it bizarrely claiming that those teams don't know what it's like to have a metaphorical thirst, even the Pitch-Black Flame was starting to enjoy battling two very specific national rivals. Half-Time | HEJ 7-??? TER | Half-Time
  15. We go to the most impressive and most horrifying trio in the known lands. What could they be doing now? [The trio are on the way back from the Garrison Stadium after a clean sheet victory over local rivals Larxia.] Jeremy Clarkson: We've come to an uphill stretch, so I've decided to test my new handbrake. Simply pop it off the back, roll it out. [Clarkson pulls the okay sign to Hammond and May.] Jeremy Clarkson: Watch this. Roll back. [Clarkson reverses the car onto the log attached to the back of his car, then gets out to check the results.] Jeremy Clarkson: The wooden handbrake is holding me, I simply set off. [Clarkson pulls a smug face.] Jeremy Clarkson: Here we go. Oh yes! So there we are. Hill starting: solved. sometimes my genius is... it's almost frightening. Richard Hammond: Well fair-dos that, that works. You do have to tow a log about but it works. Jeremy Clarkson: I am a happy man today. Richard Hammond: Chaps? James May: Yeah? Richard Hammond: Are we likely to see a Militsiya? James May: I hope we do see a Militsiya, I'll show them my bonnet and ask "Could you do a better job than that?". Jeremy Clarkson: But look on the bright side James, it's gonna be a scorcher today. Richard Hammond: He's lying James. [Clarkson had stolen part of May's bonnet very shoddily before the LAR-HEJ match.] [The log attached to Clarkson's car smashes the back window.] Jeremy Clarkson: Oh my god! [Clarkson gets out to assess the situation, Hammond and May reverse and get out to see as well.] Richard Hammond: ... James May: ... Richard Hammond: ...Huhahahaha! James May: Oh! Haha! Richard Hammond: Hahah! James May: Did that...? Richard Hammond: Oh dear! Oh... James May: Hahahahahaha. Jeremy Clarkson: The handbrake bounced up and has broken my... boot... window. Richard Hammond: Ooh, you've got all glass in your seat! Jeremy Clarkson: Stupidest idea in history. Richard Hammond: Jeremy. Jeremy Clarkson: What? James May: There. Richard Hammond: People walk around here. James May: You've gotta sweep up all this stuff. Richard Hammond: You have. Jeremy Clarkson: But look, God gave us a tool for just such a... moment as this. [Clarkson uses his hammer to further break his back window.] Jeremy Clarkson: Would you not agree this is the ideal tool James for the job? James May: Yes. Hammers do have their uses. I can think of one right now. Richard Hammond: *Holds back laughter.* Another of Clarkson's so-called genius ideas goes up in smoke. Apparently, he also has an idea of getting an ice machine. But how? Perhaps a local building has one. Half-Time -> | LAR 0-13 HEJ | <- Half-Time
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