Clarkov

November 29, 2020

Hertfordshire and Jammbo

Emblem: Look above

Union: Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union

Head coach: Faust Ḩarełeudeiem/Rago Ǹemisis

Captain: Robert Lee

Most caps: Robert Lee (5)

Top scorer: Mikhail Faustin (23)

Top try scorer: Ongo Vidopliassova/Mikhail Faustin (4)

Home stadium: Stratosfera Park

World Rugby rankings

Current: 1 (as of 29 November 1420)

Highest: 1 (1420)

Lowest: 7 (1420)

First international

Dalimbar 17-18 Hertfordshire and Jammbo
(23 February 1420)

Biggest win

Hertfordshire and Jammbo 19-0 Sensorland
(29 February 1420)

Biggest defeat

N/A

World Cup

Appearances: 1 (First in 1420)

Best result: Champions, 1420

Website: We don't have a website

Zoran · November 28, 2020

De Efisl Raste av di Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen/Афитсилниьат Спаисук не Катфадсие ае Дзаембеу Рагби Сцийас

AKA: It's getting slightly ridiculous now. What kind of place is Hertfordshire & Jammbo anyway?!

Neim/Имеи	Deende/Пеуп	Eide/Вузрвст	Nambe/Неуме	Pezisn/Пазитсийа	Klab/Клаб	Setelment/Селисти	Lig/Лпге
Ongo Vidopliassova	Male	13	3	Tight-Head Prop	Shakhtar Deambeu RFK	Malatsavichy	Premiesip
Kaguya Birziņa	Female	1,400	6	Blind-Side Flanker	Ivatsechytsa Eientei RFK	Kirkelev	Tsampiensip
Damian Mladenov	Male	11	12	Inside Centre	Vezdenurekesväk RFK	Kirkeholm	Tsampiensip
Hiroto Mucenieks	Male	14	5	Lock	Břevínov RFK	Valaškovice	Tsampiensip
Bello Salman	Male	11-12	4	Lock	RFK Deambeu	Tothalom	Premiesip
Shang Rozītis	Male	29	2	Hooker	Teplisek RFK	Přehumín	Tsampiensip
Peter Cipriani	Male	31	7	Open-Side Flanker	Kistafalu RFK	Grigorionii	Tsampiensip
Robert Lee (Captain)	Male	213	13	Outside Centre	Sajothalom RFK	Cimiceni	Premiesip
Barack Vranchev	Male	59	9	Scrum Half	Biatorbas RFK	Balatonves	Premiesip
Satori Vinters	Female	Unknown	1	Loose-Head Prop	RFK Piritsa	Pákés	Premiesip
Britannia Degre	Female	27	14	Right Wing	Nova Pulalin RFK	Anibolia	Premiesip
Galeem Gaismas	Genderless	Don't Try Asking	15	Full Back	Gaismas Pasaule RFK	Vulcăneșlia	Tsampiensip
Isaac Moriah	Male	5	11	Left Wing	Brehasca RFK	Komarovo	Premiesip
Keiki Hadjiivanova	Female	Unknown	8	Number 8	Amasterat RFK	Corrași	Premiesip
Jeremy Clarkson	Male	60	10	Fly Half	Jawozin Ȟames RFK	Staloków	Tsampiensip

If any injuries are sustained, there is one reserve for each person on the main team.

Neim/Имеи	Deende/Пеуп	Eide/Вузрвст	Nambe/Неуме	Pezisn/Пазитсийа	Klab/Клаб	Setelment/Селисти	Lig/Лпге
Nagisa Tsankov	Male	10-12	1	Loose-Head Prop	Slawbin RFK	Vabruysk	Premiesip
Francis Vitanov	Male	36	2	Hooker	Vyernhyamyel RFK	Bykavysk	Tsampiensip
Vodka Drunkenskis	Male	35	3	Tight-Head Prop	Valaštek RFK	Kokovice	Premiesip
Peko Pekyneva	Female	16-17	4	Lock	Kuzuryu Klan	Dunarica	N/A
Phoenix Blaus	Male	28	5	Lock	Senejov Eidensi RFK	Šašská	Premiesip
Takumi Mihailov	Male	19	6	Blind-Side Flanker	Project D	Bachyn	N/A
Sig Pironev	Male	Unknown	7	Open-Side Flanker	RFK Dollynska	Pomivary	Tsampiensip
Richard Hammond	Male	50	8	Number 8	Berevutych Ẁaipaut RFK	~~Druzdrivsk~~ Birmingham	Premiesip
Draco Myronovych	Female	16	9	Scrum Half	Pastalawye RFK	Zhylya	Tsampiensip
Mina Klebitz	Female	12-13	10	Fly Half	Shakhtar Deambeu RFK	Mioghita	Premiesip
Mamoru Petrovskis	Male	14	11	Left Wing	Inazuma Ostroná FK	Tábokolov	Tsampiensip
James May	Male	57	12	Inside Centre	Valašlov RFK	Havlídubice	Premiesip
Rococo Radulov	Male	14	13	Outside Centre	Pilisve Gigant FK	Biatorna	Tsampiensip
Goomo Vasils	Male	12	14	Right Wing	RFK Deambeu	Sorvári	Premiesip
Aran Dimitrov	Male	23	15	Full Back	Corocco RFK	Rîbder	Premiesip

Manidee/Менидсцуе: Mr. Faust Ḩarełeudeiem [A mysterious man who turned up one day to replace Jennifer Hammond as manager, after she was ousted due to conflicts with the public over her desire to become a car show presenter. That, or a daytime radio presenter. Faust, whose name roughly translates to 'Fist of the Pendulum Clock', is widely regarded to be the greatest manager in the country, with an innate and often frightening knack for making any team into a defensive fortress, even if they use all-out attacking tactics. A defence so great that no team has ever been able to score more than 7 points against him. It has often led to many rumours that Faust is nothing but an experiment by the HRJ. He is known as the King of Defence, other times people call him the Spiral Enforcer. He has a superb working relationship with the HRJ coach. No one knows whether Faust can be considered ally or enemy on the international stage.]

Keuts/Трене: Mr. Rago Ǹemisis [Replaced Isambard May, who renamed himself back to James May and became a player for the HRJ. A style of complete attack, the polar opposite of Faust's defending style, Rago is the champion of offense in Hertfordia. Despite this, he has general goodwill towards the manager, as he was resurrected by the 'Fist of the Pendulum Clock' following his apparent murder at the hands of an unknown scarf wearer. The 'Child of the Black Sun' is said to be harboring intentions of turning TWP into a new pit of darkness, but surely if that comes to fruition, the players and manager can put him back down. He is known as the God of Destruction, because in every match his teams take part in, they have always managed to win by at least 20 points. Sometimes he is also known as Nemesis Incarnate. Watch out for him. His right hand man Pluto Ḩeidīz is the one who convinced Rago to take up the HRJ coaching mantle. He once ran for prime minister, on a platform of making the dark prophecy of the ancient King Ḩeidīz into law.]

Steidiem/Стааиен: Stratosfera Park (Hoddesdon) [Stratosfera Park is the national stadium for the HRJ and is based in the northern fringes of Hoddesdon, just a couple streets away from the Princess Alexandra Hospital. It has been the home of the HRJ ever since the beginning of 1420 SM. This stadium has a capacity of 90,810 seats, making it the second largest stadium in the land behind Fàktri Mêridien in Harlow, which has a capacity of 111,089 as a football stadium, and is near the Music Factory, where all of TWP's music ultimately harkens back to. There's a reason the Jammbo side of H&J is referred to by nationals as the 'Origin of Music in the Universe'.]

Stail Madifaie/Стли Мадифаикеите: +3.7 [Rugby players in H&J are aggressive players, and are often offensively minded. The tactics of H&J perhaps resemble an organized mafia assault, this time with a new style of attack built by training in the countryside. When needed, they also perform a mean park-the-bus defence, due to their height and speed off the line/in general]

RP Permissions (I wish, yet again, for a realistic experience):

Injure My Players : Yes

Assign Yellow Cards: Yes

Assign Red Cards: Yes

Godmod injuries: No

Godmod scoring: No

Godmod other events: No

The roster for this season retains many of the stars and fan favourites that lifted us to the title last time round, but also features new faces who broke through the rigorous yet rewarding HRJ academy. Come on Remnants, go for top once more!

This roster has been provided by the Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen. Thank you for your patience.

NOTE: Hertfordshire and Jammbo has a very well developed local rugby scene that has been going on for some time, and it has some experience in national rugby, having won the first TWP Rugby World Cup. The local scene received a substantial boost after the underdog success story that was the HRJ from the current government.

November 23, 2020

The HRJ is signing up, time for The Remnants to defend our title!

July 31, 2020

Better Late Than Never, From The Gentleman Of The Countryside | Běte Leit Đan Ņeve, Fram Đi Ďeentlmen Av Đi Ķantrisaid

Remember when we said that there were going to be three sepreate posts? Well, there isn't, so erase that from your minds.

Basically a bunch of crazy and weird stuff and choices for contestants in a long list. A few contestants are actually picked up from that time when the country somehow fell into the sea.

We cannot explain some of the contestants at all. Pretend it's nuclear power gone wrong or something.

It's the results, after so long. So here goes. It is going to be extremely long, and this took many days to completely perfect, because we want the work we provide to be of the highest quality. It will not be perfect, but then again, perfection is an unobtainable fantasy.

Reminder: In the Gold Medal Table, Hertfordia finished in second behind Nieubasria. In the Total Medal Table, Hertfordia finished in third, just 1 behind Astor 1.0: Aelitia Version and 2 behind Astor 2.0: Bran Version.

Spoiler

1^st- - Rodrigo Brunkevičs {M} (Gold)

2^nd- - Arle Myroslavivna {F} (Gold)

3^rd- - Clarkov Jammbonev {M} (Gold)

4^th- - Charles Broxbourne {M} (Silver)

5^th- - Richard Hammond {M} (Gold)

6^th- - Hertfordia Basketball {N/A} (Gold)

7^th - - Axel Teicāns {M} (Silver)

8^th- - The Stig {?} (Silver)

9^th- - Hertfordia Handball Federation {N/A} (Gold)

10^th- - Schezo Avramov {M} (Silver)

11^th - - Xavier Boichev {M} (Bronze)

12^th - - Phil Yevhenovych {M} (Bronze)

13^th - - Hertfordia Volleyball Federation {N/A} (Silver)

14^th - - Will Nankov {M} (Bronze)

15^th - - Wolf Panasovych {M}

16^th - - Mečislavs Deben {M} (Bronze)

17^th - - Mario Volodymyrovych {M} (Bronze)

18^th - - Matt Miķelsons {M} (Bronze)

19^th - - Falco Leontijovych {M}

20^th - - Hertfordia Lacrosse {N/A} (Silver)

21^st - - Junya Liepiņš {M} (Silver)

22^nd - - Hertfordia Baseball {N/A} (Bronze)

23^rd - - Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team {N/A} (Silver)

24^th - - Peter Venev {M}

25^th - - Bryce Iliev {M} (Bronze)

26^th - - Dimentinov Alksnis {M} (Bronze)

27^th - - Mark Oleksijovych {M}

28^th - - Ringo Vītoliņš {F} (Bronze)

29^th - - Miles Leontijovych {M} (Bronze)

30^th - - Benjamin Semenovych {M} (Bronze)

31^st - - Sonic Dinev {M} (Bronze)

32^nd - - Armando Todorov {M}

33^rd - - Sig Ivankov {M}

34^th - - Takumi Mihailov {M} (Silver)

35^th - - Klug Ziedmanis {M} (Bronze)

36^th - - Wally Zunda {M}

37^th - - Fideo Vitanov {M}

38^th - - Tommy Karavelov {M}

39^th - - Galeem Stefanovych {F}

40^th - - Draco Myronovych {F} (Gold/Silver)

41^st - - Nicholas Romanov {M}

42^nd - - Vojislav Petrovskis {M} (Silver/Silver)

43^rd - - Paul Georgiev {M}

44^th - - Volodymyr Mykytovych {M}

45^th - - Zeus Illich {M}

46^th - - Stephen Romanovych {M}

47^th - - Douglas Rudzītis {M}

48^th - - Eugene Siliņš {M}

49^th - - Bobby Kazymyrovych {M}

50^th - - Jeremy Clarkson {M}

51^st - - Lemres Feodosijovych {M}

52^nd - - Milan Balkanski {M} (Gold/Silver)

53^rd - - Zacian Ādamsons {F}

54^th - - Maxie Valchev {M}

55^th - - Andross Tonchev {M}

56^th - - Edward Kostyantynovych {M}

57^th - - Edvard Mucenieks {M}

58^th - - Kaiser Ruslanovych {M}

59^th - - Wolfgang Ganev {M}

60^th - - Dimitri Ločs {M}

61^st - - Isaac Veinbergs {M}

62^nd - - Ivo Ostrovskis {M}

63^rd - - Jamie Dachev {M}

64^th - - Kokichi Pencis {M} (Silver)

65^th - - Aran Sīlis {M}

66^th - - Keisuke Yakovych {M}

67^th - - Garan Botev {F}

68^th - - Archie Serhijovych {M}

69^th - - James May ~~{F}~~ {M}

70^th - - Pete Zhelyaskov {M}

71^st - - Vladimir Vecumnieks {M}

72^nd - - Whisker Nikolov {M}

73^rd - - Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation {N/A}

74^th - - Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union {N/A}

75^th - - Rantaro Vinters {M}

76^th - - Shawn Menavski {M}

77^th - - Squidward Rozītis {M}

78^th - - Satan Salmiņš {M}

79^th - - Kirby Blagoev {M}

80^th - - Mina Alexandrov {F}

81^st - - Martin Varbanov {M}

82^nd - - Amitie Ilev {F}

83^rd - - Benjamin Paskalev {M}

84^th - - Viktor Orbán {M}

85^th - - Volodymyr Lukanov {M}

86^th - - Colin Hedanijovych {M}

87^th - - Chihiro Adamovych {M}

88^th - - Michael Tinchev {M}

89^th - - Cain Tsankov {M}

90^th - - William Ilev {M}

91^st - - Davy Vladyslavovych {M}

92^nd - - Aneurin Landmanis {M}

93^r^d - - Nathan Eduardovych {M}

94^th - - Ongo Vidopliassova {M}

95^th - - Junpei Lyubomyrovych {M}

96^th - - Steven Bachev {M}

97^th - - Soda Ihorovych {M}

98^th - - Shuichi Bušs {M}

99^th - - Bello Radulov {M}

100^th - - Kevin Olehovych {M}

101^st - - Rococo Omelyanovych {M}

102^nd - - Rose Rysinov {M}

103^rd - - Mendelssohn Stepanovych {M}

104^th - - Luigi Havrylovych {M}

105^th - - Rumen Radev {M}

106^th - - Gitanas Valters {M}

107^th - - ~~Radovan Artemovych~~ War Criminal {M}

108^th - - Blumiere Zirnis {M}

109^th - - Phoenix Avramov {M}

110^th - - Marine Adamov {F}

111^th - - Patrick Gribusts {M}

112^th - - Franjo Širovs {M}

So, that was the final post from the HCOC. We hope to be back in business relatively soon, although we could well do with a rest until the next Olympics comes along. Hopefully they will be the Winter Olympics. After all, this nation is more suited to things in the cold, given the climate (scenic yet barren, temperatures usually range from -10°C to 20°C, most days of year are spent between 0-5°C).

P.S. - If there is a Winter Olympics held, Hertfordia would like to officially submit a bid to host them, either in the first or second one. But we won't. What, you expect us to host something? That can't end well for anyone, not even ourselves.

Some say that the meaning of Hertfordia is 'The land of the deer's ford', and that the Jammbo in H&J is either 'The origin of music' or 'The land of the winter farm'. All we know is, everything above is actually true.

Zoran · June 19, 2020

After a day or so of doing random things in and around Saint Josalyn, the Hertfordian medal winners decided to head back to the Akti Palace hotel where they would discuss the matter of the medal theft.

Clarkov Clarkson: Did you guys know about the nation's friendly wager with Fuentana?

Mečislavs Deben: Now that you mention it, I did recieve Δ250,000 for the nation's healthcare services, mainly for cancer treatment.

Matt Miķelsons: That really isn't a hefty sum of money. They should have given us something closer to Δ2,500,000.

Schezo Avramov: You aren't exactly in the best position to criticize the healthcare donations of another country.

Mečislavs Deben: I'm sorry, but he's right. If you don't want to be hired and then fired again, we suggest you pipe down.

Matt Miķelsons: (Leaves room in a huff after his terrible record of healthcare is exposed)

Junya Liepiņš: By the way, before we go, could you all give me some money? I promised the Hakurei Shrine that the COCH team members would give it some donations.

Clarkov Clarkson: *Rolls eyes*

Benjamin Semenovych: Right, back to the point at hand.

Milan Balkanski: Which is?

Miles Leontijovych: Well, for some reason, our medals have been placed upon the hotel room beds.

Junya Liepiņš: Is there a ridiculous purple and black card with a cookie like a face conflicted with severe acne?

Arle Myroslavivna: You're absolutely right! The designer couldn't tell a supermodel from a cowpat.

Rodrigo Brunkevičs: It is times like this when I realize just how much of a vulgar ass I can be.

Arle Myroslavivna: Why would you be a vulgar ass?

Richard Hammond: Let's move on!

Clarkov Clarkson: (Voiceover - At this point, Captain Interesting chimed in)

James May: Those medals have been checked, they are all the real thing.

Bryce Iliev: Why the hell would an international thief return the medals that they stole?

James May: Perhaps they felt bad about the theft?

Phil Yevhenovych: What in the world are you rambling on about?!

Richard Hammond: Keep in mind that this is the man who thinks that chickens are vegetables.

James May: But they are!

Mina Alexandrov: I'm the scientist here, and chickens are not vegetables.

Charles Broxbourne: So now that we know our medals have been returned, what the hell do we tell the public? They still think CGZ stole them.

Clarkov Clarkson: Let's just let them think that he still has them.

Xavier Boichev: I'm not a politician. But isn't that corruption?

Clarkov Clarkson: Yes it is. But we're one of the world's least corrupt countries, so no one will notice.

Mečislavs Deben: So that's our plan. Try out corruption for a day.

Richard Hammond: Hang on, where is Takumi?

Will Nankov: He is out drifting with Jeremy.

Vojislav Petrovskis: Speaking of which, who's room are we in?

Kokichi Pencis: Come see, everyone! It's a teeth whitening kit!

Draco Myronovych: We now know that this is Hammond's room.

Richard Hammond: Oh, very funny, ha ha ha.

Mečislavs Deben: Save the sarcasm for the train and boat home, please.

Mario Volodymyrovych: I guess that explains the hole in the door.

Richard Hammond: Wait what?!?!

Clarkov Clarkson: I wonder who could have done that....

Richard Hammond: CLAAAAARKSOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!

James May: Oh, he's such a spanner...

After they had a rant at Jeremy Clarkson for the incident, the crew decided that it would be best if they made a quick escape from the scene before those damned paparazzi turned up and ruined their day. After boarding the Greater Anglia, they set of on rail through the continent to a port in Cambria. This is the journey: Cambria -(boat)- Teralyon -(boat)- Dayadhvam -(boat)- Fuentana -(boat)- Giovanniland -(train)- Yorubrailia -(boat)- Arnic -(boat)- Hertfordia.

That, ladies and gentleman is the end of an era. There will be one more publication by the Olympic Committee that ranks every single individual athlete that ever competed within this grand event. So over 100 different people. It will be an absolutely massive read, so 3 posts in a row are likely. This is the Hertfordian Olympic Newspaper, signing off.

Zoran · June 17, 2020

Part 2 of the Hertfordian camp's discussions...

Benjamin Semenovych: Apologies for the tardiness.

Mečislavs Deben: Don't worry about it. I do notice a bit of an elephant in the room though.

Clarkov Clarkson: It's a hearse! It's what you put dead people in!

Benjamin Semenovych: It's a pallbearer's hearse.

Richard Hammond: I don't bloody care if it's Prince Marcarius' hearse, it's still a hearse!!! What it says to the patient is "You're not gonna make it".

Benjamin Semenovych: Who said anything about patients?

(On command, six other pallbearers get out of the hearse and pick up the coffin)

Benjamin Semenovych: Hit the play button!

The Stig: ...........

(The Stig pressed the strange button with a triangle on it. A very familiar tune starts blaring out the car stereos)

Junya Liepiņš: Are you serious? Really, Benjamin?

Benjamin Semenovych: Why wouldn't we celebrate our brilliant campaign?!

Takumi Mihailov: Hang on, we should use my AE86 Trueno. It is superior to his hearse in every single way.

Miles Leontijovych: You are not a clown, you are the entire circus.

(Benjamin pauses the music and starts to sit impatiently)

Milan Balkanski: Can we at least try to act like we are world class athletes and not rural simpletons?

Arle Myroslavivna: I'm not going to abide by that, Balkan-skip.

Mečislavs Deben: Wow, what an un-mannered girl.

Ringo Vītoliņš: That's Arle for you.

Arle Myroslavivna: Exactly Ringo, you know how much I hate all that 'manners' stuff!

Xavier Boichev: Benjamin, quickly, play the stereo before Arle and the King get into a fight.

(Benjamin eagerly asks The Stig to press play from the beginning)

Dimentinov Alksnis: Wait a minute, I know this one! I've seen people talk about death while involving this.

(Astronomia finally sets into it's main part. Most on Hertfordia's team starts breaking into various dances to the catchy tune)

(Try to imagine this, but in an Olympic stadium)

Kokichi Pencis: I bet that while we're all dancing, some creature will come and steal our medals.

Bryce Iliev: Do you ever stop lying, Kokichi?

Kokichi Pencis: Maybe my answer will be a lie.

Bryce Iliev: If you carry on, then you might as well prepare to meet the freezing darkness.

Clarkov Clarkson: Never has there been a better time to utter those words.

(The power goes out, Astronomia is quickly paused by The Stig)

The Stig: ........................

Benjamin Semenovych: What's going on? Are you trying to trick us, Kokichi?

Kokichi Pencis: I'm just as confused as you are!

Richard Hammond: Well, whatever it is, I don't like it.

(REPEATED BANGS! Followed by a cloud of smoke and strained visibility.)

Phil Yevhenovych: Are these smoke grenades?!?!

Miles Leontijovych: Yes, I believe they are.

Klug Zeidmanis: Don't ask me, I cannot see anything right now.

(The sound of clanging metal can be heard)

Mečislavs Deben: What was that sound?! Reveal yourself fiend, the King demands it!

Xavier Boichev: Please keep yourself together, your Majesty, the smoke is clearing! Uuuuuuh, hang on just a second, is that who I think it is???

Arle Myroslavivna: Hey, let me have a closer lo.......

(Before Arle could finish her sentence, more smoke filled the air and completely shrouded the view)

The Stig: .................

Richard Hammond: I'm holding this shovel. Leave, or it's gonna go very black all of a sudden!

(Some time passes before the smoke fully retreats from the stadium. Disoriented, but unharmed, the team looks down to realize something is missing)

Richard Hammond: Who has taken the medals?! Where are they?

Charles Broxbourne: I can't find them anywhere. Has anyone seen them?

Xavier Boichev: Actually, I did catch a glimpse of what went on...

Bryce Iliev: Don't stall then, tell us everything that you witnessed, no detail left out!

Xavier Boichev: Alright. When the initial smoke cloud was clearing, I saw a faint siilhouette of a man in an odd high-tech suit grabbing items and stuffing them into a bag. I couldn't see anymore past that.

Mečislavs Deben: Thank you for your vital input. Now, where do we begin to dissect this?

???: We can start to help, perhaps...

Clarkov Clarkson: Huh? It's Mina! What are you doing here?

Mina Alexandrov: I was watching from the stands.

Takumi Mihailov: But how in the name of all that's drift-worthy did you pick us out??

Mina Alexandrov: A scientist always comes prepared.

(Mina proceeds to turn on headtorch, almost blinding a couple of athletes.)

Draco Myronovych: MY EYES!!!

James May: It gets better!

Richard Hammond: No, I think you mean worse.

James May: ..........Shut up, Hammond.

Miles Leontijovych: May I have your attention? Important evidence has been discovered on the grass below.

(The Stig picks up a card. It has a purple colour scheme with a black crown. The crown has a cookie in the middle)

Miles Leontijovych: With permission, I can use this as evidence when prosecuting the criminal scum that committed this act.

Matt Miķelsons: Clarkov, are you, erm, okay? You don't look too good...

Clarkov Clarkson: Well played............ CGZ............ (*whispering tone*)

Matt Miķelsons: Hmm?

Clarkov Clarkson: I hereby announce an early end to our medal presentation ceremony. A certain thief has made off with our medals. We shall reconvene at the 5 star Akti Palace hotel, which we named, to discuss the situation further! But first, who wants a celebratory dinner?

Almost Everyone: Yeah!!

The Stig: .........................

And so the Hertfordian delegation, confused but still in high spirits, departed for an all-you-can-eat buffet. They obviously treated the staff there in an exemplary way, we are the gentleman of the countryside after all, and 'twas such a night to remember with all the newfound partners and even friends along the way. Once the meal was over, they set off for an exploration of the town. The mystery surrounding the stolen medals currently remains unresolved...

Zoran · June 17, 2020

At the medal awarding/closing ceremony, this is what happened in the Hertfordian camp...

Clarkov Clarkson: Right, here is the deal. See those steps there? The highest step is for gold medal winners, the middle step is for silver medal winners and bronze medal winners are to go on the bottom step.

Mečislavs Deben: Will we be able to fit everyone on? We have 6 entire teams worth of people here aswell.

Clarkov Clarkson: Of course we will! Look at how wide that is!

Charles Broxbourne: Hey, your Majesty, I just wanted to thank you for allowing me to come after our incident back at home.

Mečislavs Deben: No sweat, ol' chap. And please, address me as Mečislavs.

Charles Broxbourne: *Gives a light smile, then clinks wine glasses with his gentlemanly counterpart*

Richard Hammond: Has anyone seen Clarkson and May? Oh no wait, we haven't, because they haven't won medals! Hahah!

Jeremy Clarkson: We can hear you, Hammond you blithering idiot!

Richard Hammond: Did you notice I have a gold medal? Something you two do not have.

James May: Well, don't gloat!

Klug Zeidmanis: You're one to talk!

Phil Yevhenovych: Yeah, I've seen you and your victory dance. I can show you how it is really done if you like.

Richard Hammond: NO! Nothing to do with Genesis!

Ringo Vītoliņš: Uh guys, why is there a car here?

Takumi Mihailov: Do you like my car?

Richard Hammond: Yes, it is very nice.

Rodrigo Brunkevičs: No, I prefer boats, for the many bodies of water in Hertfordia.

Mario Volodymyrovych: Nobody cares what you think, Duterte.

Will Nankov: How did a car get in the stadium anyway? I suspect suspicious activity...

Clarkov Clarkson: Will, don't go interrogating people again, I do not want an incident like with that war criminal.

Schezo Avramov: Away from this whole nonsense. Now shall we get onto those steps?

Sonic Dinev: No wait! I want to do a few laps of the circuit first.

Vojislav Petrovskis: Oh my God, not now!

Sonic Dinev: Ugh, fine.

Draco Myronovych: You could at least be more concerned about your presentation, Sonic. You look like something found in a pyramid.

Axel Teicāns: This is the Olympics Draco, not a beauty contest. Get your priorities straight.

Draco Myronovych: I'm just saying.

Matt Miķelsons: Is that another car I see in the background?

Charles Broxbourne: Another one?!

Clarkov Clarkson: This I have to see.

(The medal winners move at various paces to the car in the background. Benjamin Semenovych steps out the driver's door)

There will be more than one part, due to printing limitations.

Zoran · June 17, 2020

Hertfordia, The New Shock Global Sporting Power? | Häřtferdie, Đi Njü Sak Ģleubl Şpočitin Paue?

Some in the nation claim we are now a certified SUPERPOWER of sport! Who'd have thought it? Probably a bit of a stretch though, sadly. We will waste no more time. We should not. We are at the end of an era. Here are the team sport rankings.

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Fuentana 60-76 Hertfordia

Hertfordia finished 1^stin the Basketball.

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Hertfordia 2-3 Novasamita

Hertfordia finished 2^ndin the Volleyball.

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Nieubasria 11-8 Hertfordia

Hertfordia finished 2^ndin the Water Polo.

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Fuentana 2-6 Hertfordia

Hertfordia finished 3^rdin the Baseball.

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The end of the road. We shall post two more news articles, and then we will join the Double-Headed Hawk on the way back to Hertfordia. See you all then.

Saint Mark · June 17, 2020

Review - Day 9 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 9 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks

This is the review of the final day of the Olympics. We really do not have much to say, as we wish to let the medal count and athlete ranking list speak for itself. So we shall.

Geuld: 2 Šilve: 4 Branz: 1

Part of us wished we had won more golds, but this tally is still enougy to see the Double-Headed Hawk finish 2^ndin the main medal table, defeating Novasamita and Saint Mark, but finishing behind Nieubasria. In the total medal table, Hertfordia finished with a whopping 28 medals! This is only 1 behind Nieubasria and 2 behind total medal winners Tara & Cambray. It is perhaps natural that the land of the Sasquatch is top of this version of the table, seeing as they indeed are the hosts. Since we do not want to keep y'all waiting, we shall now present the final individual ranking.

This is where hard work, devotion to your country and self-confidence can get you

Rodrigo D. Brunkevičs - Finished 1^stin the Tennis Singles. A man who you either love to hate, or hate to love. He, along with Charles, singlehandedly screwed over the Markian tourism board.

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Charles Broxbourne - Finished 2^ndin the Tennis Singles. The former king, he now plys trade as the official opposition in Great Parndon, a place which never seems to stick with one guy.

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Kokichi Pencis/Draco Myronovych/Milan Balkanski/Vojislav Petrovskis - Finished 2^nd in the Gymnastics Team All-Around. I have explained at least 3 of them and i am certainly not going to attempt to explain Kokichi, for fear of another hellish comment section.

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Vladimir P. Vecumnieks - Finished 8^th in the 10m Air Rifle Final.

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Shawn Menavski - Finished 15^th in the 10m Air Rifle.

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And Now, The News...

Not much here either, just that the hippy health guru was actually the war criminal Radovan Artemovych in disguise and he had been trying to sabotage the team members from Hertmeran or Debenian descent, tracing back to his time as leader of the Debenian Herts, an ethnic minority with mixed Debenian and Hertfordian heritage. He had wishes at first of protecting his ethnic group from a nationalistic Jammbian assault, but soon turned to more ambitious goals of turning the Federation of Greater Hertfordia into a full blown Hertfordian Empire, just like back in the glory days of the former superpower. Radovan was even willing to slaughter innocents to achieve these goals. Mind you, when he was finally on the back foot, the Jammbians wasted no time in completely burning down all Hertfordian villages to make sure they never returned, even if they had been living there for centuries.

That is actually why different parts of the nation can seem entirely different from eachother, as if they were completely seperate nations. To a Confederation like ours, this is just normal life.

We also noticed that poor Hedwig Blackcross has upset the Markian tourism board by winning a bronze, and is apparently now being villified. Well, we would just like to say if you want someone to blame, Mr. Gryphor, blame Hertfordia. We ruined your advertising slogan. Right now, an evil smile is spreading across our collective faces. We love the feeling of ruining things for other people.

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Some say that he knows two facts about Reçueçn and both of them are wrong, and that his first name really is 'The'. All we know is, we aren't The Stig, but we are The Stig's least favourite newspaper! Goodnight!

Zoran · June 16, 2020

Tuesday 16th June 1420 - Preview of Day 9 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 9 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks

Spoiler

Let's face it, we all saw this one coming. The culprit of the attacks on our athletes and all the other suspicious events has been revealed. They were even linked in a weird way to the vandalising of our news lorry. This is the true identity of the hippy doctor, and literally no one is surprised.

Hello and yes, this will be the final day of the Olympics! Fittingly, this is the most late preview we have ever done. We totally did this on purpose! Anyway, there are only a few events on today, but there are plenty of team events, as everything starts to come to an end. Hertfordia can still win up to 9 medals, and to hell if we aren't going to try! So behold, the final day's schedule!

Events/Ívents	Athletes/Àølīts
10m Air Rifle	Shawn Menavski, Vladimir P. Vecumnieks
Gymnastics Team All-Around Finals (?)	Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis
Tennis Singles Finals	Charles Broxbourne, Rodrigo D. Brunkevičs
Baseball Finals	Hertfordia Baseball
Basketball Finals	Hertfordia Basketball
Volleyball Finals	Hertfordia Volleyball Federation
Water Polo Finals	Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team

Every event is a final today, and Hertfordia will appear in most of them. As well as all-round powerhouse Menavski and Vecumnieks, literally the coolest middle-aged man..... in the world, we also potentially have the chance to win another medal in Gymnastics. The team version to be precise. As for the teams, well they will take centre stage. We have already won medals in two team sports, now we will have the chance to win gold in 3 more, as well as bronze in another. The Border Guards and The Police are up against Fuentana, in the Third Place Match and the Final respectively. The Blades will face Novasamita while Royal Navy shall do war with Nieubasria, the third time we have faced such an opponent in an Olympic final. There is so much to cover, we honestly cannot wait to bring you all the results!

Some say that MP's turned them down for the job of Speaker, and that their editor recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel... for his moat. All we know is, they are us. We bid thee farewell. (No really, our editor actually done that.)

Goodnight! Oh, and also, Slava Àenglie! Ģločiri Teđi Hîereus!

Zoran · June 16, 2020

Wait, Six Team Sports? Huh, It Has Been A While Since That Happened. | Weit, Siks Tīm Spočits? Ha, It Hez Bīn E Wail Sins Đat Hăpend.

Hello, we have six team sports to review, so at last we can finally have a good ol' proper review, writing a newspaper article down by the rolling green hills of the countryside. Almost everything related to team sports went brilliantly. In Handball, the team won gold by defeating Nieubasria, but we lost to the same opponent in Lacrosse, by just one point in overtime. Surely that was the closest lacrosse match that the sporting fans of the nation have ever seen. During the baseball, a whitewash defeat to Giovanniland, one which no citizen saw coming, has booked us a third place match with Fuentana. Speaking of Fuentana, they are also our next and final opponents in the Basketball, only this time in the Final, as Hertfordia defeated Novasamita by a measly 2 points, while Fuentana had a 4 point squeeze past Nieubasria. Of course we are out of Football and Rugby Sevens, but we can say that it is our presumptions that Fujai have made the Finals for both, and will take on Giovanniland and the dark horses Zoran, who completely ran the Giovannilandians into the ground with dirt shoved in their gaping mouths, respectively. Back to Hertfordian teams. In Volleyball, Hertfordia will be up against Novasamita after dispatching of Giovanniland. At first, it was almost completely one-sided to the favour of the Blades, but when Giovanniland started fighting back, Hertfordia got serious and after two more close sets, Hertfordia emerged triumphant. Finally, in Water Polo, Hertfordia are in the Final, this time beating back a semi-resiliant Teralyon. As a result, Royal Navy will now set their sets on a victory over Nieubasria. In fact, all our remaining teams will seek victory over the enemy, make no mistake.

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Hertfordia 38-23 Nieubasria

Hertfordia finished 1^stin the Handball.

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Hertfordia (10) 9-9 (11) Nieubasria

Hertfordia finished 2^ndin the Lacrosse.

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Hertfordia 3-1 Giovanniland

Hertfordia have qualified for the Finals of the Volleyball.

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Teralyon 5-8 Hertfordia

Hertfordia have qualified for the Finals of the Water Polo.

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Hertfordia 74-72 Novasamita

Hertfordia have qualified for the Final of the Basketball.

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Hertfordia 0-5 Giovanniland

Hertfordia have qualified for the Third Place Match in the Baseball.

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The day has come, the end of the road. But trust your abilities and fear not the enemy, for the hour of the Anglians will arrive once more!

Zoran · June 16, 2020

Review - Day 8 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 8 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks

The penultimate day of these Olympics went a bit better compared to yesterday, with the Hertfordia Olympic team winning a total of 2 medals, both of them in the team sports. We noticed an error within the results of Park Skateboarding as the wrong Hertfordian athlete was placed there. For unknown reasons, Gitanas Valters name was replaced with Martin Varbanov, who had already been placed in the 10m Air Pistol anyway. So, the Day 8 medals.

Geuld:1 Šilve: 1

So yeah, it did go a bit better. Hertfordia now has 6 golds, 7 silvers and 8 bronzes, leaving the nation in 5^thoverall in the main table, while we believe we are third in the total medal table. There is only one day left, so we need to put in the best performances of all, in order to end on a high. The ambitions of the Hertfordia Confederal Olympic Committee are to, of course, finish 1^stoverall, and if that is not feasible, then at least finish overall in the top three. We want this to be a sports event to go down in history, and just like with the TWPRWC, we aim to win, and win as much as possible. The Hawks will not go down without a fight!

Here are the rankings for the individuals. Read them (or not).

Charles Broxbourne - Currently in the Quarter-Finals of the Tennis Singles.

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Rodrigo D. Brunkevičs - Currently in the Quarter-Finals of the Tennis Singles.

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Nicholas (Monokuma) Romanov - Finished 5^th in the 200m Butterfly Swim Final.

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Edward Kostyantynovych - Finished 6^th in the 200m Butterfly Swim Final.

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Edvard Mucenieks - Finished 5^th in the 10m Air Pistol Final.

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Aran Sīlis - Finished 24^th in the 100m Run.

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Whisker Nikolov - Finished 12^th in the Track Cycling Sprint.

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Martin Varbanov - Finished 13^th in the 10m Air Pistol.

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Nathan Eduardovych - Finished 32^nd in the 100m Run.

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Gitanas Valters - Finished 17^th in the Park Skateboarding.

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And Now, The News...

There really isn't much. All we know is that the injured party have recovered suprisingly quickly. Obviously the culprit of the sudden attack must be utter garbage at their job. Police now believe they know exactly who has been causing all the events recently, and to be honest we think everyone else is clocking on aswell. However, we are unable to yet confirm their suspicions because the guilty party has yet to be apprehended, and as the investigation info is highly confidential, we daren't reveal it in case the Plod barge through the front door. That is all. We are going to do 'some say' endings from when they begun until the very end, as we do find them enjoyable to write.

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Some say that he voted for Tony the Tiger in the Markian General Election, and that he refuses to acknowledge the existence of Fujai. All we know is, we aren't The Stig, but we are The Stig's least favourite newspaper! Goodnight!

Zoran · June 15, 2020

Monday 15^thJune 1420 - Preview of Day 8 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 8 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks

Again, the Saint-Josalyn healthcare staff would not let us in. Well, we couldn't use the same hospital picture that we used in the last preview, so here is the entrance to the Princess Alexandra Hospital in Harlow. Multiple athletes, all suspiciously of Debenian or Hertmeran descent have been found injured in some form or another. (We never bothered translating it to the national languages)

We can tell we are nearing the end of the Olympics, for now Day 8 has arrived! The athletes have been training long and hard over the weeks to prepare themselves, and they have been instilled with a mentality that just screams 'winning is the most important thing, but that doesn't mean fun should be neglected'. Essentially, Hertfordia believes that even when chasing victory at all costs, sports should always be fun to play and fun to watch. Of course, above is the unfortunate news that multiple athletes have been injured. Most of them are medal winners, for some reason. The injured athletes are: The Stig, Phil Yevhenovych, Richard Hammond, Colin Hedanijovych and Benjamin Semenovych. The Stig in particular is very hard for doctors to work with. Not only does he seem to walk away from explosions completely unharmed, but he also never speaks. Ever. So don't even try. Anyway, here comes the schedule.

Events/Ívents	Athletes/Àølīts
200m Butterfly Swim	Monokuma Romanov, Edward Kostyantynovych
100m Run	Aran Sīlis, Nathan Eduardovych
Cycling Track Sprint	Whisker Nikolov
10m Air Pistol	Edvard Mucenieks, Martin Varbanov
Park Skateboarding	Gitanas Valters
Gymnastics Team All-Around Stage 1	Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis
Tennis Singles Stage 1	Rodrigo Brunkevičs, Charles Broxbourne
Handball Finals	Hertfordia Handball Federation
Lacrosse Finals	Hertfordia Lacrosse
Semifinals Baseball, Basketball, Volleyball, Water Polo	Hertfordia Baseball, Hertfordia Basketball, Hertfordia Volleyball Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team

We are not sure if we are actually in the Gymnastics Team All-Around, but since we believe that the HCOC entered the full number of athletes for Gymnastics, we are going with the benefit of the doubt and sticking it on the above schedule. We will be entering 12-13 events today. Today sees the finals for both Handball and Lacrosse, which will both be fought against Nieubasria. Baseball, Basketball and Water Polo resume and join Volleyball in holding the Semi-Finals. In terms of notable faces (Yes, we are doing this again, even though we said we wouldn't anymore. Sorry.), there really aren't a whole lot, but one does not need to be recognisable in order to be successful. There is Charles Broxbourne, the former king who lost re-election for a second term to the current incumbent, Mečislavs Deben, and the Olympic team also has Monokuma Romanov, who people claim is a descendant of the old dynasties that ruled Hertfordia as a hereditary monarchy back in the Grand Duchy days. Of course, the Handball and Lacrosse teams will both be battling for gold and trying their damn hardest to achieve it. Yes we mentioned them more than once, we aren't going to change that.

Some say he thinks BDSM is a driving school, and that following the vote on gay marriage, he's gotten engaged to James May......'s lawnmower. All we know is, he's called The Stig. But we aren't. We are the Hertfordian Olympic Newspaper and we thank you very much for reading our completely free (other than initial purchase) news. Goodnight!

Zoran · June 15, 2020

We Finally Managed To Publish This, Hooray! | Wī Făineli Mănide Tu Păblis Đis, Húrei!

If you have decided to read this publication, you most likely caught a glimpse of the HCOC actually making an official statement! Wow, we know, very shocking. Nevertheless, we have 3 team sports to quickly review and all of them went very well. In Handball, a hard-fought battle against Larxia ended in our favour. There was less fighting back in the other two sports. Hertfordia dispatched comfortably of Irador while in the Volleyball Quarter-Finals, Hertfordia decided that it wanted to slaughter Bobki, so they did. Both the Handball and Lacrosse teams have made it to their respective finals, and will both take on Nieubasria. In Volleyball, Hertfordia joins Novasamita, Nieubasria and Giovanniland in the Semi-Finals. Alright, coming up are the rankings for each team sport that took place on Day 7.

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Hertfordia 11-4 Irador

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Hertfordia 29-21 Larxia

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Bobki 0-3 Hertfordia

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Very soon, we shall have the preview of Day 8 ready. Until then, stay comfortable and wait for our analysis of what is to come.

Zoran · June 15, 2020

Hertfordian Confederal Olympic Committee - Häřtferdien Ķenfedrel Ęlimpik Kęmitī

Hello and welcome to this handy guide to the monarchical system of Hertfordia. This has been penned in response to accusations of foul play within our qualification system that decides who will become an athlete for our nation. We wish to explain to those who get confused with the country's system in the best possible way we can. Strap yourselves in, folk!

Part 1: The Monarchy

Hertfordia is a monarchy. That is only the tip of the story, though. Hertfordia runs a rather unorthodox system known as 'Confederal Parliamentary Elective Constitutional Monarchy' or CPECM for short. Basically, the monarchy of Hertfordia has existed since ancient times, when the country was first founded. Only recently in 1418 did the previous Prime Minister issue a proposal, which passed overwhelmingly in the Verkhovna Anglia, to abolish the hereditary monarchy and replace it with an elective monarchy.

To be able to run for the position of King/Queen/Tsar/Tsaress of Hertfordia (Formerly Grand Duke), a few requirements need to be met: 1) You must be 21 or over - 2) You must have completed all forms of mandatory education - 3) You must have taken a university course in politics and/or national history - 4) You must be born in Hertfordia to native parents - 5) You must not have ever committed a crime of any sort.

If you can meet all these criteria, them you can easily be accepted as a candidate, and then start convincing the people why you should be the head of state. There are reasons for each of these. 1 is purely traditional, we have always had elections where people can join from 21 years of age. 2 and 3 are to make sure the monarch is not just some bumbling fool who drives Hertfordia into the ground. 4 is to make sure only Hertfordians/Jammbians/etc. can rule Hertfordia and has the express purpose of preventing foreigners from being eligible for the Crown of St. Edmund. 5, well, who wants a convicted criminal in power?

Often, there are many different candidates, but only a few can be considered properly qualified.

To conclude, no, the King is not in power due to his lineage. He is in power because we, the people, have willed him to be in power, through his policies alone.

Part 2: The Qualification Process

This will be a long part. Simply, our qualification process is open to everyone from Hertfordia with descent tied to the peoples of this nation. Wealth is not considered and access is equal. Both the King/Tsar and the Prime Minister entered because they wanted to be able to represent the country on a global sporting stage, and just like everyone else they have had to go through qualification to make sure they are suitable enough to be chosen.

The evidence is clear that these two were brought here on the merits of sporting talent, not some fictional reason relating to privilege. For proof, just look at their performances. King/Tsar Mečislavs Deben achieved third place in the Mountain Biking and as for the Prime Minister, well, Clarkov Clarkson has a gold medal in Javelin he would love to talk to you about, but we advised, no scratch that, TOLD him not to do that the almost certain grounds that everyone listening would literally die of boredom. We also have athletes from a poor background, so don't go lecturing us about privilege when even those in poverty can join in on the Olympic fun. It is not a good look.

Long story short, people have come on merit alone. Privilege plays absolutely no part, in fact the use of one's position to gain advantages of any form in selection is illegal under both HCOC rules and Hertfordian law. We do not want to act as a puppet of the rich and powerful. So we aren't.

We also must point out that Radovan, the war criminal, was not chosen by us. He smuggled in past security and if anyone was paying even the slightest bit of attention they would have noticed Radovan Artemovych being arrested by Cambrian 5-0 with help from Hertfordian law enforcement during the mountain biking event. He registered with us under the false pretext of qualification. Yes, we admit, our security measures are a bit awful, hence why Artemovych was even in the Olympic roster at all. We will therefore take measures to improve our security and make sure such a transgression does not occur again.

Conclusion: the claims of the FIF and specifically Haugen are twaddle. It is all a load of absolute rubbish and we will hear no more nonsense from our Fujar counterparts. We are in no mood to battle against baseless accusations, because we still want to be able to enjoy the Olympics without matters of so-called privilege infecting this proud period in sporting history. Frøydis knows nothing about us, our sporting scene or our nation and frankly he has no right whatsoever to go to a press conference and falsely slander the name of the HCOC! We will simply not tolerate lies on any level, and that is a fact!

The Confederal Olympic Committee of Hertfordia hereby requests a retraction of the lies made by Frøydis and the FIF. It is our opinion that they owe the accused, especially Hertfordia, an apology for the Fujai Idrottsforbund's blatant falsehoods broadcast to the world.

Part 3: The Public Opinion

Okay, this will be a short part simply about what the public think. They believe that Fujai has got our system completely wrong and that Frøydis in particular clearly does not understand Hertfordia or the way we do things here. Some people reckon that it is because of political viewpoints. Hertfordia is perhaps one of the most nationalistic, most right-wing areas in the world and while that is not the cited reason, it does influence the reasons given. Many respondants to our previous question of what they think of Haugen's claims say that it is typical of someone from Fujai, considered the polar opposite of Hertfordia. Whereas Hertfordia is nationalistic and right-wing, Fujai is seen as a nation of socialist hippies by many citizens, both of which are very much frowned upon.

Obviously, we are in no position to confirm or deny these claims. It is up to Fujai alone to decide what it is. There we go, that is all.

We thank you for listening and joining in. Now, the news team will prepare the team sports review. Cheers and goodbye.

P.S. - If we decide to put new info into this post, we shall show you via an edit message below the post.

P.P.S. - "The problem is that most have lived their entire lives in the lap of luxury"?! What a joke! The King/Tsar has a luxurious life now, but before his reign, he was still a member of the middle class. Meanwhile, the Prime Minister is actually from a rural working class background and even as PM he has vowed to remain an ordinary, if slightly weird, citizen at heart. We had to clear that up for all you readers who have been watching us perform.

Zoran · June 15, 2020

Review - Day 7 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 7 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks

We will open this review with a very blunt statement. Luck means absolute [censored], as it turns out. So much for lucky number 7 because the winning of only 1 medal, a silver one, means that Hertfordia have plummeted to 5^thplace in the main medal table, and remain 3^rdin the total medal table. Hertfordia appears to have stagnated in the most recent of days, it has only been going down since the massively successful Day 5, when we won 6 medals including 2 golds. To be frankly honest, we really need to start winning a ton of medals again, if we are to keep up with the Astoric countries. In fact, we are now below both Saint Mark, who have pretty much onlyearned gold medals, as well as some other state we can't remember. Check yourself, we aren't always going to spoonfeed people.

Šilve: 1

You now realize what we meant by stagnating. We could only manage one silver medal on the seventh day, meaning our total medal count now looks like this - 5 gold, 6 silver, 8 bronze. We are still puncing above our weight, for a nation which can very easily be called 'The Farm of The West Pacific', but we really do want, and need, to start doing that once again. Here's to hoping. In other news, the team sports went much better, not for the first time. The Handball and Lacrosse teams both made it to their respective finals by defeating Larxia and Irador respectively. They have therefore booked a place in the finals, and what a coincidence, they both have to battle Nieubasria. In Volleyball, Hertfordia dispatched of Bobki relatively effortlessly and made it to the Semi-Finals. In many individual events, our athletes missed out on medals by only 1 place. So yeah, that is it. 7 should be known as the unlucky number in Hertfordian sports

Luck means nothing in an event like the Olympics.

Junya Liepiņš- Finished 2^nd in the 200m Breastroke Swim. He is quite a strange man, but the only properly known thing about him is that he absolutely loves alcohol.

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Peter Venev - Finished 5^th in the 200m Freestyle Swim Final.

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Zuzana Strautmanis - Finished 4^th in the Trap Shooting Final.

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Sig Ivankov - Finished 9^th in the Rowing Single Sculls.

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Fideo Vitanov - Finished 14^th in the 200m Freestyle Swim.

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Eugene Siliņš - Finished 4^th in the Karate Kumite Individual.

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Lemres Feodosijovych - Finished 7^th in the 200m Freestyle Swim.

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Maxie Valchev - Finished 7^th in the Discus Throw.

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James May/Pete Zhelyaskov - Finished 5^th in the Multihill Sailing.

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Volodymyr Lukanov - Finished 8^th in the Trap Shooting Final.

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William Ilev - Finished 11^th in the Discus Throw.

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Kevin Olehovych - Finished 18^th in the Road Cycling Time Trial.

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Rumen Radev - Eliminated in the Round of 14 of the Freestyle Wrestling.

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Luigi Havrylovych - Finished 24^th in the Rowing Single Sculls.

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Blumiere Zirnis - Finished 19^th in the 200m Breastroke Swim.

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And Now, The News...

We have noticed that many people both at home and abroad are confused by the complete mess that is the Hertfordian political system. Some foreigners notably tend to mix up the system of government with that of our traditional hereditary monarchy and thus Hertfordia gives off an aura of privilege. So here, we will clear up a bit, and also describe qualification to represent Hertfordia at the Olympics. This will be a massive post, so we will include it separately. Basically, coming up later is the HCOC's Response to the FIF's baseless accusations.

In the other news, the police have finally discovered the rioters motives for tipping our news van over, and it is two reasons. One half of them were far-left agitators furious against our reporting of Hertfordia on the stage. They believe we should be using our platform as a newspaper to campaign against the current government and in favour of revolution, violent if necessary. The other half though is slightly more confusing. That half claims that the HCOC has enabled a highly condemned person to infiltrate our campaign. We will be investigating these matters further in conjunction with the Confederal Police Force.

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On that piece of information, it is now time to end, goodbye!

Zoran · June 14, 2020

Sunday 14^thJune 1420 - Preview of Day 7 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 7 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks

This isn't actually the hospital of Saint-Josalyn, we could not get permissiom from the staff to show it. So we are showing this picture of The Great Parndon Hospital instead. Either way, Saint-Josalyn hospital is where Aneurin and the unnamed hippy health guru were seen arguing. Ignore the code, we forgot to remove it.

We are now at Day 7 and if the number 7 has been anything to the nation, it has been reliable. For reasons beyond our explanation, any time a 7 crops up in something, it always means very good things for Hertfordia, no matter the medium the number is found in. Always. But enough obsessing over a numerical unit, down below is the schedule for Day 7. We honestly do not want to write much because we are still a bit miffed at the pleb of an editor, for reasons you can view our previous public statement to see. But we will anyway, since not writing much would be quite lazy. By the way, we currently have 5 gold medals, 5 silver medals and 8 bronze medals, a total of 18 medals.

Events/Ívents	Athletes/Àølīts
200m Freestyle Swim	Peter Venev, Fideo Vitanov
200m Breastroke Swim	Junya Liepiņš, Lemres Feodosijovych, Blumiere Zirnis
Discus Throw	Maxie Valchev, William Ilev
Road Cycling Time Trial	Kevin Olehovych
Gymnastics Balance Beam	Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis
Rowing Single Sculls	Luigi Havrylovych, Sig Ivankov
Multihill Sailing	James May, Pete Zhelyaskov
Trap Shooting	Volodymyr Lukanov, Zuzana Strautmanis
Karate Kumite Individual Finals	Eugene Siliņš
Freestyle Wrestling Stage 1	Rumen Radev
Semifinals Handball, Lacrosse	Hertfordia Handball Federation, Hertfordia Lacrosse
Quarterfinals Baseball, Basketball, Volleyball, Water Polo	Hertfordia Baseball, Hertfordia Basketball, Hertfordia Volleyball Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team

Right, the first thing we have noticed is that the gymnastics balance beam event is labelled. We can't help but think that this competition has already been performed, but until we find out for sure during the actual performances themselves, we are not in a position to tell you. In other observstions, it seems to us that there is a particularly high amount of events going on today. 16 to be precise, which we believe to be an increase on last time. Among the events is the final of the Karate Kumite. Confusingly, despite being listed as part of the events yesterday, it never did happen. Perhaps there were not enough entries by the nations attending the Olympics. We also have the sneaking suspicion that the quarterfinals of Baseball, Basketball, Volleyball and Water Polo will not come to fruition. At the very least, Volleyball is the only one we believe will be on. We could be wrong, but for now we shall go with that.

Some say that we ranted at our editor for very much disclosed reasons, and that because our editor also rigged a phone vote, we now have a new way of ending the publication. All we know is, it's time to say !thgindooG

Zoran · June 14, 2020

This is an announcement by the Hertfordian newspaper team for the HCOC. Unfortunately, due to severe technical difficulties, the review of the individual athletes of Day 6 has been unwittingly removed from publication. We do not have the sufficient resources or time to rewrite the entire article. Instead, we must get on with the business of the Day 7 schedule. So we will.

*In the main newspaper printing room*

Reporter - "You are a witless dodo!!"

Deputy Reporter - "Look at it! Our Day 6 review is ruined!"

Editor - "Erm... If I can do that, IMAGINE what we can do for the next issue."

Reporter - "You're a cretin!"

Deputy Reporter - "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!"

Reporter - "None of this was ever properly planned and now look at what you have caused, we've lost an entire morning's work and recieved a dissatisfied fan/reader base in return!"

Zoran · June 14, 2020

Within This Very Newspaper Publication, The Sixth Of Reviews Dedicated To The Teams Competing On Behalf Of The Hertfordian Olympic Committee And Indeed For Our Proud Country, By The Two Reporters As Well As The Trustworthy Crew Making This Venture Possible, From This Reliable Source Point Of Purely Local Traditional News Broadcasting Is Literally Only One Single Part, Which Is About Volleyball Yet Again. | Wiđìn Đis Věri Ņjüzpeipe Păblíkeisn, Đe Sikso Av Rívjüz Ďedikeitid Tu Đi Tīms Kėmpītin An Bíhäf Av Đi Häřtferdie Ęlimpik Kęmitī N Ińdīd Foči Aue Praud Ķantri, Bai Đi Tü Rípočites Ez Wel Ez Đi Țraswĕđi Krü Měikin Đis Věntse Păsibl, Fram Đis Rílaiebl Sočis Poćint Av Pjūeli Ļeukl Trędisnel Njüz Bŕočidkästin Iz Ļitreli Ęunli Wan Pät, Wits Iz Ębaut Vălibočil Jet Ęgen.

Apologies for the obscenely long title, but we think it got the message across. If you haven't turned over to some DIY restoration program, then read on for the results of the final volleyball Group Stage match.

The Team Rankings For Day 5

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Hertfordia 3-2 Yorubrailia

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That is it. No really, that is all. We will be back very soon with the schedule for the seventh day.

Zoran · June 13, 2020

Saturday 13^thJune 1420 - Preview of Day 6 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 6 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks

This man, Aneurin Landmanis, is currently missing. There is a search party currently out. He is believed to be somewhere near the local hospital in a foul mood. But why?

Day 6. It is now the second half of the Olympics, and we have many medals and even more fun. With 5 golds, 4 silvers and 7 bronzes, Hertfordia is in position number 2, still trying to overtake Nieubasria at the top. We are sure we will manage to, and we will try our hardest to make this come true! Now, without any more further ado, apart from the sentence this preview is posting at this point in time, here be the schedule.

Events/Ívents	Athletes/Àølīts
1,500m Freestyle Swim	Chihiro Adamovych, Phoenix Avramov
200m Backstroke	Tommy Karavelov, Wolfgang Ganev, Mendelssohn
Hammer Throw	Jeremy Clarkson, Garan Botev
Kayak 200m Sprint	Steven Bachev
Gymnastics Vault	Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis
Rowing Coxless Fours	Sonic Dinev, Ringo Vītoliņš, Miles Leontijovych, Benjamin Semenovych
Karate Kumite Individual Stage 1	Eugene Siliņš
Quarterfinals Handball, Lacrosse	Hertfordia Handball Federation, Hertfordia Lacrosse
Octofinals Baseball, Basketball, Volleyball, Water Polo	Hertfordia Baseball, Hertfordia Basketball, Hertfordia Volleyball Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team

Welcome to Day 6! Yes, there is a glitch again! We don't know why we're putting exclamation marks at the end of these sentences! *Whispering into ear by news printer.* Oh wait, you already knew it was day 6. Oh well. Either way, we would usually go through some of the athletes if we deemed them noteworthy. But we will not. The descriptions and knowledge of each athlete should only be seen through their efforts and performances, by actually earning their place in public knowledge and in the nation's lengthy history books. Well that, and we have barely any time left before the 'cutoff'.

And so, on that bombshell, it is time to end. Thank you all very much for watching, we're off to get very drunk, goodnight!

Zoran · June 13, 2020

There Is Not Much Point, This Is Only The Volleyball | Đë Iz Nat Mats Počint, Đis Iz Ęunli Đi Vâlibočil

Just read the above. We won very well, and are now top of the group, but it is so strange to have only 1 team sport on for a day.

The Team Rankings For Day 5

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Marble Mallorca 0-3 Hertfordia

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That is all, see you for the Day 6 preview, coming up!

Zoran · June 13, 2020

Review - Day 5 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 5 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks

Hello and welcome! The big question today is, was that not the most superb contrast you have ever seen?! Surely, you at home all know what we are rambling on about. Day 5 saw a transition from the worst day of the Olympics, to it's greatest so far. Hertfordia gained a whopping 6 more medals on the fifth day than on the fourth day, and despite some poor performances riddled around, overall the athletes did an excellent job! We nearly had seven, but this mystery performer (*cough* Vojislav *cough*) was pipped to 3rd place by a Zoranian. We are, safe to say, very pleased, so we can't wait to show you all the results. So we won't.

Geuld: 2 Šilve: 1 Branz: 3

Do we have to re-iterate that this is not a joke? No? Good, because this medal count is very much real (voice in background says "You kinda just did re-iterate it"). Well, we'll gloss over our blatant and shameless lie and get on with the review. Because of today's haul, Hertfordia move right back up to second in the medal table, with the following count - 5 gold, 4 silver, 7 bronze. Nieubasria managed to reclaim top spot although barely, having won 1 gold on day 5 to prevent Hettfordia from assuming first place for the first time. Now we can't be bothered to give any further description, we will now show the ranking for the individuals. Best to worst, you know the drill.

A whole lot of work went into this. Don't even try to ask us to make this review longer...

Draco Myronovych - Finished 1^st in the Gymnastics Rings. Much like Richard Hammond, she loves to fight and is quite talented at it, when she's not being utterly awful at it. Draco also gets lost and is rather slow. Basically, she is what happens when you mix Richard Hammond, James May, a near-obsession with beauty contests and a bit of fire.

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Clarkov Clarkson - Finished 1^st in the Javelin Throw. The Prime Minister of Hertfordia. Clarkov is highly fond of trains, music (mainly classical and VGM) and sports, as well as having a vast knowledge of anything political and historical. Oh and he looks pretty much identical to Ongo Vidopliassova. So prepare to be confused when you see them both next to eachother. Mind you, he is also very pedantic, easily becomes lost and he is, if we're fully honest, a bit heartless, by which we mean almost completely heartless. He is also afflicted with autism, epilepsy and skin cirrhosis.

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Axel Teicāns - Finished 2^nd in the 110m Hurdles. He had quit permanently from sport after his younger sister had a vehicle accident, although for whatever reason, do not ask us, he has returned. For some convenient timing, as soon as he finished 2 in his event, the aforementioned sister began to wake from her coma.

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Xavier Boichev - Finished 3^rd in the 10km Marathon Swim. This guy was formerly an orphan, along with quite literally most people in the body of sport he used to be part of. That body was led by a man who acted as an almost literal father figure, the only one he and the others had. Unfortunately, that same man tried to avenge his biological son's death and ended up cruelly using Xavier and the others at the orphanage. Nice!

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Will Nankov - Finished 3^rd in the 110m Hurdles. Oh, not another government agent. Yez, really, he is part of the Hertfordian Secret Service and is very effective. They tried to stop him from coming, how did that work out for them, eh? Now they have to erase some memories.

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Vojislav Petrovskis - Finished 4^th in the Gymnastics Rings.

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Dimentinov Alksnis/Bryce Iliev - Finished 3^rd in the Canoeing 2 Person 1,000m Sprint. Dimentinov... let's not talk about this complete maniac. As for Bryce, he was part of the same body as Xavier, the main member of a football team known inside as 'Diamond Dust'. There was a rivalry between them and another team known as 'Prominence'. They are both pretty much gone now. Psst, don't give Clarkov any ideas. He has a habit of restoring old things.

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Galeem Stefanovych - Finished 12^th in the Diving 10m Platform

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Archie Serhijovych - Finished 18^th in the Diving 10m Platform

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Milan Balkanski - Finished 15^th in the Gymnastics Rings

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Mina Alexandrov - Finished 13^th in the Javelin Throw

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Davy Vladyslavovych - Finished 18^th in the 10km Marathon Swim

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Michael Tinchev - Finished 7^th in the Equestrian Individual Jumping

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Kokichi Pencis - Finished 18^th in the Gymnastics Rings

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Colin Hedanijovych - Eliminated in the Quarter-Finals of the Karate Kata

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And Now, The News...

Aneurin Landmanis has vanished! That's all. It's not really news, he vanished when he was thinking of the CHS. I guess a search party has to be sent out now.

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On that inconvenience, it is now time to end, goodbye!

Haetonia · June 12, 2020

Friday 12^thJune 1420 - Preview of Day 5 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 5 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks

The Hertfordian Constabulary (Confederal Police Force of Hertfordia) borrowed this station near Saint-Josalyn for the Olympics and are currently interrogating the arrested vandals.

Day 5, it is nearly halfway through. Hertfordia, after Day 4's general failure, are on 10 medals - 3 gold, 3 silver, 4 bronze - and siting 4th in the medal table behind Bobki, Nieubasria and Tara & Cambray. Lacrosse goes beyond the group stages and into the Octo-Finals. There are multiple recgonizable athletes, all known extensively for their other professions, some of which are actually rather brilliant. As you saw in the caption, our law enforcement officers are doing their job and interrogating the rioting vandals that they arrested. We have nothing else to say, so now, the schedule for the fifth day of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics.

Events/Ívents	Athletes/Àølīts
10m Platform Diving	Galeem Stefanovych, Archie Serhijovych
10km Marathon Swim	Xavier Boichev, Davy Vladyslavovych
110m Hurdles	Axel Teicāns, Will Nankov
Javelin Throw	Mina Alexandrov, Clarkov Clarkson
Canoe 1,000m Sprint	Dimentinov Alksnis, Bryce Iliev
Equestrian Individual Jumping	Michael Tinchev
Gymnastics Rings	Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis
Karate Kata Individual Stage 1	Colin Hedanijovych
Octofinals Lacrosse	Hertfordia Lacrosse
Matchday 4 Baseball, Basketball, Football, Rugby Sevens, Volleyball, Water Polo	Hertfordia Baseball, Hertfordia Basketball, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union, Hertfordia Volleyball Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team

Day 5, and approaching the halfway point, we have up to 15 events for us, including, confusingly, the Octo-Finals of Lacrosse. Yeah, we never heard of that either, but it is happening. We have many notable competitors today. The prime contestant in terms of notiecability is the Hertfordian Prime Minister Clarkov Ongo Jammbonev Clarkson, or Clarkov for short. He is the conservative nationalist leader of Hertfordia and is currently very popular for many reasons, which include his crackdown on political corruption, protection of the nation's people and their way of life and creation of the elective monarchy system that Hertfordia now runs on. In fact, that's how Mečislavs Deben became king. All this and he is still legally a child (Age unknown, estimates of his age are shown somewhere below) Mind you, inclusivity is nowhere to be seen, but inclusiveness is not a Hertfordian value. Clarkov is a national expert in throwing large spear-like poles over obscenely long distances that then wedge into the ground, or in other words, the Javelin Throw, which he is in alongside Mina Alexandrov. Question is, can he do it on an international level?

It would be a grave injustice to focus on only our PM, as we have others who are also notable. Mina Alexandrov is an 'older child' (no one knows the age of any of the Jammbonians, incuding Mina and Clarkov. The general guess of Mina's age is between 12 and 16, the general guess of Clarkov's age is 16), but is already a scientific genius on the levels of esteemed national heroes of the scientific profession. So frightening accuracy is almost completely guaranteed. Do realize that power is also needed for the Javelin Throw She is also very boring, so she would likely get along well with James May, who is very old. Galeem Stefanovych, one of the most beautiful, and most terrifying, woman in the country is here aswell. She is terrifying due to her incredible natural skill. Finally, Davy Vladyslavovych was picked up from a rickety old ship that never sinks and has fittingly ended up in an aquatics event, the 10km Marathon Swim. This is a day you do not want to miss!

*Disclaimer - Jammbian and Jammbonian are two different things. Jammbians are far more prevalent in Hertfordia.

On that describing, it is time to temporarily end our news broadcast of the Hertfordian Olympic Effort, until tomorrow, when the review of the individuals and then the review of the teams will be aired right here from the outer edge of Saint-Josalyn. Until then, we bid thee farewell, and goodnight!

Haetonia · June 12, 2020

Frankly, There Are Zero Excuses For Tardiness On Our Part | Fřankli, Đë Ä Żiereu Iķskjüsez Foči Țädines An Aue Pät

Border Patrol Agents arresting the vandals. They are border patrol officers, yes. So what? We already have a fence on our border, a border wall if you will, that has more than enough officers on it. Why not transfer some officers from one station to another?

There are no excuses, we should have done this earlier. Either way, news now that the rioters have been apprehended and in news which will shock no-one, one of these crazy vandals turned out to be the wild fan that pestered Quiyakaso, the Zoranian news reporter, a couple of days earlier. He has now been taken in for police questioning, as have the rest of those vandals that so rudely tipped our van over.

The Team Rankings For Day 4

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Hertfordia 11-9 Fujai

(Hertfordia have qualified for the Water Polo Semi-Finals)

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Bobki 4-10 Hertfordia

(Hertfordia have qualified for the Baseball Semi-Finals)

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Hertfordia 76-79 Irador

(Hertfordia have qualified for the Basketball Semi-Finals)

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Hertfordia 3-2 Missourtama

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Hertfordia 24-10 Cambria

(Hertfordia have been eliminated in the Rugby Sevens Group Stage)

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Cambria 0-2 Hertfordia

(Hertfordia have been eliminated in the Football Group Stage)

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We shall be back shortly for the Day 5 Preview. We'll need to be, it is getting late and the events will be starting soon.

Zoran · June 12, 2020

Review - Day 4 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 4 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks

If Day 3 was the best day so far, then Day 4 was undoubtedly the worst, with Hertfordia dropping to 4th in the medal table below Cambria and Bobki, who performed a coup on us and the Astoric Duo to go top of the table, with 5 gold medals and 1 bronze medal. Numerically, Hertfordia have 10 while Nieubasria and Cambria both have 14-15 each. We suspect home advantage is playing in Tara & Cambray's favour. You might have noticed that this official Olympic news broadcast from the Confederal Olympic Committee of Hertfordia (COCH/HCOC) claimed that we have 10 medals and you're probably thinking "Wait, 10 medals??? That seems rather off, wouldn't you agree?". Our answer to that is you're totally right, because here is our medal count for today!

ERROR 404 - MEDALS NOT FOUND

No, we are not making this up, Hertfordia achieved exactly 0 medals on the fourth day. While a few of our athletes did perform well, it wasn't well enough to get them into those coveted medal-rewarding positions. A few of our lot performed rather poorly aswell. In team sports, it was a lot better, as Hertfordia qualified for the Semi-Finals of Baseball, Basketball and Water Polo as group winners. In Basketball particularly, Hertfordia were edged out of a victory by just 3 points against Irador, but due to our overwhelming points difference advantage over the rest of our group, we still took first place with the highest points difference of the group stages. In Footbal and Rugby, Hertfordia were eliminated in the Group Stages. In Football, Hertfordia had pretty much no hope of qualification anyway, after two comeback losses in a row. So at least we were able to leave the Football competition on a high, as Hertfordia dispatched the host nation Cambria 2-0, finishing 3rd in the group, in which Giovanniland won with 7 points. In Rugby, the exit was more painful. Hertfordia defeated Cambria 24-10 to finish second in a group that Fujai won. However, Hertfordia could not join them, missing out by a PD of just 2 to Giovanniland, who qualified as the best runner up from Group A. Marble Mallorca found themselves in a similarly heartbreaking position, missing out by a PD of 1. Only 1! How close must it get?!

Because there were no medal winners, no one on this best to worst ranking list will get a description...

Draco Myronovych - Finished 5^th in the Gymnastics Parallel Bars

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Falco Vitalijovych - Finished 7^th in the Marathon

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Armando Todorov - Finished 8^th in the 3m Springboard Diving

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Kokichi Pencis - Finished 10^th in the Gymnastics Parallel Bars

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Amitie Ilev - Eliminated in the Round of 16 of the Judo

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Milan Balkanski - Finished 12^th in the Gymnastics Parallel Bars

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Ivo Ostrovskis - Finished 11^th in the Long Jump

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Squidward Rozītis - Finished 13^th in the Long Jump

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Vojislav Petrovskis - Finished 16^th in the Gymnastics Parallel Bars

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Aneurin Landmanis - Finished 23^rd in the Marathon

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Junpei Lyubomyrovych/Ongo Vidopliassova/Shuichi Bušs/Soda Ihorovych - Finished 11^th in the 4x100m Relay

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And Now, The News...

As promised, here is the news! The news today is that the Hertfordian Constabulary have been contacted about the incident involving our news lorry and are now launching an investigation into the culprits, starting a hunt to apprehend and arrest the guilty party. This is music to our ears of course, especially since Hertfordian police officers are some of the least corrupt in the world. The nation takes law enforcement seriously, with a 'firm but fair before the law' approach which has seen success never before precedented in a country that has historically struggled with controlling crime, especially youth crime.

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On that mixed day it is time to end, thanks for coming, we'll see you tonight and now, a dejected goodbye!

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