Clarkov
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn: Matchday 1 - Review
VS.Italia 2-3 Hertfordshire & Jammbo (HT: ITA 1-3 HAJ)
Goals:
Roger Runcis (9'), Yuuma Novak (23'), Afuro Tytarenko (38')
Injuries:
Jeremy Clarkson (69'), Damian Hristov (76')
Pre-Match Review
Hello and welcome to the first of matchday reports by the HAJFF. These will serve to recap on the entirety of events that transpire before, during and after matches played by the Paradigm Compass. This first piece is of our narrow 2-3 victory over Italia. Really though, that score is rather kind to the Italians. Fact of the matter is that we utterly dominated the first half and it could easily have turned into a 4-1 or 5-1 kick up the backside for them if it weren't for poorly timed injuries and well timed counter-attacks. No point in dwelling on negatives, let's instead focus on the many positives that came with our debut match and despite being close on face value show that we could hardly have made a better start to the Football World Cup. It was even done wearing the instantly recognisable dark purple and blue vertical fading striped kit that has come in for ridicule by Adaikesian's and other foreign fans alike. Funny thing is that the goalkeepers grey and pink vertical faded stripe kit is even worse. So bad in fact that Hart was
kindlycondescendingly told by Head Physio Lisa Lazarenko and Goalkeeping Coach Heckyl Sprūde to ignore the fits of laughter emanating from outside the team coaches, lest he have an anger filled breakdown, as the Paradigm Compass rushed to the Pirates Arena for our first match of the tournament.
A sane persons reaction to the outlandishly horrible goalkeepers away kit. Good thing Lisa & Heckyl prevented this outcome with Hart. We wouldn't have blamed him if he had reacted like this.
First Half Review
With crisis averted, Italia got the match underway. Perhaps they had planned on holding onto the ball and attacking immediately given our high line. This was not an advisable option. They must not have realised that the main strength of this team is its variability. We can switch from defensive to offensive patterns like the flick of a switch, and that is what we did. Alternating to a 4-4-2 we overwhelmed their offensive between two neat lines of players and snatched the ball from their possession. With control now in their camp the HAJFF switched back to the 3-1-3-1-2 and took charge in offense. It was therefore little time before disgraced magician Roger Runcis showed his former employers at Troupe Handrica just why they were wrong to dismiss him all those years ago, launching a sublime volley into the right hand side of the net that definitely did not include him slightly setting the ball on fire. Honest. With that totally legit goal the HAJFF had taken the lead. That really set the precedent for the first half as Italia were unable to even get close to them, let alone have any chances in the shooting department. No wonder then that Yuuma Novak struck the second of the match home, not unlike a king throwing his lance at the enemy. Of course this only served to strengthen our control and at this point in the match there really wasn't any feasible way to compare the two teams. We were just on another level to them, the performance was astounding even the staff members who can be rather hard to surprise. 38 minutes gone and Afuro Tytarenko added more joy for us and misery for the opponents. How this scoreline was even there with such ill-fated preparations is anyone's guess. God alone knows. The Hertfordian fans in the stands were cheering their heads off and they would have been forgiven for thinking that this was going to turn into a bloodbath. Certainly those of the team on the benches and in the stands thought the same. Here's a hint for ourselves to take in for future matches. Never celebrate too early, because Italia managed to pull a consolation goal jolting the substitutes, reserves and staff into a forced upright position and gave them a timely reminder that this was the highest level of football. Falling asleep or slacking off is simply not an option. Clearly Italia were not going to just drop dead, so while we had run the show in the first half, it was setting up to be an interesting second half. Time would only tell if this would be the case.
Second Half Review
The HAJFF kicked off the second half with gusto having learnt their lesson from when Italia scored in the 44th minute. Of course, an excavation of the match was in order as the HAJFF returned to ruling the match, however this time we were unable to break down Italia's defences, despite the clearly motivational half time talk that managing duo Frisk & Flandre dished out. It all proceeded as a constant rinse-and-repeat of the HAJFF trying and failing to break down the newly rejuvenated Italia back line. It was meant to get better, but instead it got not-better, as Jeremy Clarkson found himself having to hobble off the pitch with an injury. Who here suspects that May deliberately planned this as revenge for having the chainsaw wedged in his car? It would not surprise us, especially with the rather suspicious time the injury took place. With Clarkson off the pitch and replaced by Satori Kornijchuk, Italia took advantage of the slight gap in the teams mental focus and managed to make it 2-3, thereby pulling themselves back in with a chance despite how unlikely that seemed. Damian Hristov decided it was time to mentally drain the opposition in submission through his own cruel tactics. Please note however that when someone makes it known with pride that they got their current talent from a freaky science experiment that forcibly draws out the user's hidden potential, people are going to want to target that person. Just so happened that Damian was that person. Resultant factor of him being forced into the medical room and the knowledgeable hands of Lisa Lazarenko & Vekar Griķis. On came W. D. Gavrilov, the former royal scientist to King Mečislavs I who is actually watching from the stands himself with a familiar smile spread across his face. W. D. Gavrilov is one of the few Hertfordians or Jammbians completely fluent in Wingdings and all of its spin-offs. Does not help when no one else can understand them. Maybe that is why the remaining 14 minutes + 3 minutes of added time seemed like nothing more than a confused mess for both teams. Full time came, and the confusion ended with relief that Hertfordia hadn't fallen victim to an unfortunate set of circumstances. The first match ends in a deserved 2-3 victory for the Paradigm Compass.
OFF | ON OFF | ON Post Match Review
Well that ended with more drama than we had hoped for. Even so, a win is a win and we must continue with training for the next match. Clarkson's injury is unknown but the ape that May would call an 'infantile pillock' should be out for 2 matches. As for Damian, it was discovered by Lisa & Seishirou Jukums that he had suffered a fractured rib that will keep him out for 6 matches. That kick to the chest by the Italia midfielder was definitely on purpose. We hold unpleasant thoughts of that person in our minds. The Stig is imagining what the culprit would look like if pushed through a desk fan. All we know is that Jeremy & Damian will be side-lined for the time being and replaced on the first team by Satori and W. D., who will no doubt easily fill in the hole left by the currently injured. The win took us to 2nd place in the group, with Zoran on top after they defeated Irador 2-0.
Next Time...
We, in our second match, will kit up in the black, dark green and gold outlined cross shirt with dark green and black with gold vertical border shorts and green socks (excessively long kit description is excessively long) to do battle with the Orangutan Rangers, representatives of Arifiyyah. Their last match was a 0-0 draw with Reçueçn leaving them tied 3rd in the group after Matchday 1.
VS.With all that said and the next match now firmly lodged into your minds, it is time to end with a note on Dilberian drugs: You can dope your players through the roof for all we care, just keep them away from us or we shall insert sharp things into your heads and torsos. Well, if the Hertfordian mafia doesn't get there first. We hear Dilberian drugs could make for a lucrative market in the criminal underworld. On that bombshell it is now time to end, cheers for reading and goodnight!
- Arifiyyah and United Adaikes
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Pre-Tournament Report
Hello and welcome to the first report related to our very own HAJFF! If you are wondering where on earth the news organisation is, you're reading a piece by them. We are the news for our own team, the HAJFF is officially bringing all you loyal fans at home and here abroad the low down on the Paradigm Compass and their hopefully plentiful exploits during this World Cup of Football. That's right, these news updates are coming straight from the horses mouth. Deal with it.
We apologize for not writing this yesterday as we were meant to. Admittedly, we were a bit late for everything. We are still filling in the form for the 17 main staff members that work behind the scenes and whose efforts are vital to keeping the team together and preparing them for the challenges to come. Why were we so late? Well, May decided that before we departed on the trains and boats to here in United Adaikes that he had to do pre-flight checks. Even though we had no plane, and it took many hours. So long in fact that the old editor got tired of waiting and we had to appoint a new one. Yep, the editor doing this is new on the job. Wish him luck! Either way, no matter how unfortunate our reporters and editors are, they will always be better off than that Quiyakaso bloke.
James May continuing his pre-flight festival of analness. Even though we never used a plane.
The Hertfordshire and Jammbo National Team enter the team hotel, with no paparazzi at all because we threatened to cut out their tongues with scissors if they tried anything funny
Ah, it would appear that our representatives have arrived. The 52 main members depart the coach, adorned in dark green, gold and black. Er, hang on. Why is the Prime Minister there and why does he look like a leading member of the mafia?!
Prime Minister Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani, dressed for no apparently ready reason like a mafia boss. No wonder fans have taken to call him Caporegime Jammbo.
A-Anyway, back to the report. It is very late in night, so we presume they will want to get some dinner and go to bed, before training for tomorrow's game against Italia... is what we would be saying if we made this piece in time. In reality, our game against Italia has already finished and with unsatisfactory time limits for training. Even so, led by our sublime commanding 17, the Paradigm Compass donned their rather garish dark purple and blue kits (grey and pink for the goalie) and managed to put Italia down 2-3 in a great struggle of a match. The report for that will come later, as well as our report preceding the match against Arifiyyah, in which the team will suit up in the black, dark green and gold uniforms and do battle with this ambitious outfit. The goalkeeper will be wearing a white kits with gold cross and black borders on said cross. Actually, when the home kits were revealed in our initial post, many Adaikesian's and foreigners alike mistook us for the team represented by Saint Mark. That's despite the saints not even being in this tournament. No wonder they thought that though, the goalie home kit looks fittingly angelic.
The home shirt for the HAJFF goalkeepers: Hart, Dharkon & Keiki. No, this is not worn by Saint Mark's players.
To clear up all doubt, no, we will not be bringing live updates from training and anything other than the matches themselves and pre-match reports. Quite frankly, we do not understand why the other teams are doing that because we don't see the point in wasting our teams valuable time in speaking to some reporter. We simply do not care about it. Also, to be honest, the HAJFF might just be the weirdest team in this tournament. Have you seen the makeup of this lot? Only the Dilberian Doping Dogs can really surpass us in oddity. Don't tell us we aren't strange! Better yet, don't tell us that it is bad to be strange! As some of our reporters might say, 'Pride in Uniqueness'.
Right, that about ends our first proper report on the Football World Cup. Worry not Hertfordians and Jammbians, we will not let you down with a pathetically late report again. You know exactly what is next because you are intuitive and we do not need to tell you something that is almost certainly known already. We will say this to all those paying attention, as we speak Clarkson and Hammond are sabotaging the car that May brought along all the way to United Adaikes. Serves him right. On that bombshell it is time to end, thank you very much for reading, goodnight!
Exclusive camera footage from our RM Richard Hammond, of Clarkson about to wedge a chainsaw into May's Suzuki SJ.
- iOctagon, United Adaikes, Arifiyyah and 2 others
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The official roster for the Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation, for entry into the World Cup of Football/Đe ȩfisl raste av đi Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn, ćentri ìntú đi Wḙldkapavűtbočil/Нa Афитсиaлeн Списук зa нa Kaтфeдcиe aи Kaнфитьeлук Футбeул Фeдeрeитcиьa, зa влизeин ву нa Cвeтa Kaпe Футбeул
OOC Note: All personnel apart from the Prime Minister are based heavily on fictional characters or real-life people. Age was not a required fill-in part of the form for entry to qualification for the team and thus many people have their age as '???'.
Primary 11 - The First Team
Name Gender Age Number Main Position Birthplace Club League Hart Vecunmieks Male 52 30 Goalkeeper Zhyda Lyakrudak City Premiȩ Līg Yuuma Novak Male 14 39 Left Defender Havlívý Litvice United Premie Līg Konngara Adamov Unknown ??? 11 Centre Oropalota Százhamáz City Tsampiensip Damian Hristov Male 12 12 Right Defender Cornezina East Hîncebaesca United Premiȩ Līg Jeremy Clarkson Male 60 13 Defensive Midfielder Częswiec Ramyśl Tsampiensip Roger Runcis Male 35 36 Left Midfielder Orășov Bârlați Premiȩ Līg Bello Jēkabsons Male 10 2 Centre Midfielder Svätín Vranšov Premiȩ Līg Afuro Tytarenko Male 14 21 Right Midfielder Derazhnia Derta Zeus Tsampiensip Ike Gribusts Male 20 9 Attacking Midfielder Pyesty Sluwka Greilspur Premiȩ Līg Eiki Sproģe Female ??? 24 Forward Brské Krtovy Yamaxanadu Tsampiensip Rago Nesterenko Male ??? 18 Forward Veregrád Hatház Wanderers Tsampiensip Secondary 12 - The Substitutes
Name Gender Age Number Main Position Birthplace Club League Dharkon Tumsa Don't Try Asking ??? 4 Goalkeeper Dubăsabaesca Bucovăț United Premiȩ Līg Raiko Hristova Female ??? 32 Left Defender Tryzów Ludź Premiȩ Līg James May FemaleMale58 23 Central Defender Tăldiu Nădveni Shed Premiȩ Līg W. D. Gavrilov Male ??? 34 Right Defender ☼︎◆︎·︎□︎◻︎♋︎■︎⍓︎ Breznov Premiȩ Līg Satori Kornijchuk Female ??? 60 Defensive Midfielder Kotoson Bormyshl & Hluson Albion Tsampiensip Miles Endziņš Male 24 18 Left Midfielder Asinka Vasilahorsk United Tsampiensip Ivo Rudyk Male ??? 27 Central Midfielder Strakoviná Chrujovice Tsampiensip Sanae Kotenko Female ??? 90 Central Midfielder Tiszaros Sajószka Albion Tsampiensip Mukuro Ilieva Female ??? 22 Right Midfielder Canteceni Cimicănești United Tsampiensip Galeem Gaisma Don't Try Asking ??? 7 Attacking Midfielder Głokie Tarnolona City Tsampiensip Mettaton EXH Male ??? MTT Forward Bistrimeni Topolodele Premiȩ Līg Shadi Eglītis Male 40 57 Forward Michatin Troupe Handrica Premiȩ Līg Tertiary 12 - The Reserves
Name Gender Age Number Main Position Birthplace Club League Keiki Hadjiivanova Female ??? 19 Goalkeeper Krulatsk Zhystavy City Premiȩ Līg The Stig Attack Helicopter Mincemeat STIG Left Defender Náchochův Tádubice Premiȩ Līg Chihiro Fesenko Male ??? 36 Central Defender Csorjosmizse Mavas Premiȩ Līg Kirumi Tsvetkova Female ??? 31 Right Defender Nisspolul Maianoe City Premiȩ Līg Satoshi Melderis Male 17 64 Defensive Midfielder Zgienowo Toruków Tsampiensip Robert Chornyj Male 27 62 Left Midfielder Pătârciu Gherșița City Premiȩ Līg Chikage Alexova Female 14 8 Central Midfielder Žianovce Gelly Tsampiensip Asriel Dreimanis Male ??? 5 Central Midfielder Zonvuta Kobeltanka Premiȩ Līg Richard Hammond Male 51 26 Right Midfielder ByekayeBirminghamVilawye Rovers Tsampiensip Phoenix Rait Male 35 57 Attacking Midfielder Kroměsek Přestějov Courtroom Rangers Premiȩ Līg Takumi Furman Male 19 52 Forward Nyírdre Project Hatbóvár D Premiȩ Līg Whis Aigars Male ??? 46 Forward Maialul Ialoveri City Tsampiensip Commanding 17 - The Staff
Name Gender Age Initials Position Birthplace Residence Frisk Dachev Genderless ??? FR Manager Kędzielowa Gliwisko Flandre Sotirova Female 495 FS Assistant Manager Novadud Skarlet Devil Mansion Dio Burluka Male 122 DIO General Manager of Operations Levica Detchov Athena Cālīte Female 19 AC Director Zastavytsia Ravazhynets Junpei Tsymbalyuk Male 12 JT Head of Athletic Performance Dzyarban Byarosna Mina Maneva Female 12 MI Head of Sports Science Jiplice Kutjov Karen Kovalenko Female ??? KK First Team Coach Mezősháza Mezőhád Dhurke Symomenko Male 45 DS Head of Performance Analysis Otașinău Glona Heckyl Sprūde Male Old HS Goalkeeping Coach Świętochmża Chorda Chara Dreimanis Genderless ??? CD Substitutes Manager Slamos Kobeltanka Lisa Lazarenko Female 4 LL Head Physio Ružotín Royal Vrálanta Vekar Griķis Male ??? VE Sports Therapist Allynsk Zelenoson Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani Male 17 CJF Kitman/Prime Minister Harlow Hoddesdon Seishirou Jukums Male 43 SJ Assistant Head Physio Zhabirki Faninava Quote HT Male ??? QT Head of Reserves Medicine Strakodřichův Uherchův Undyne Bezsmertnyy Female ??? UN Head of Player Development Szengárd Gyömna Asgore Dreimanis Male ??? AD Reserves Manager Zonvuta Kobeltanka The Know-How - Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation
The Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation is the governing body of football in the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire and Jammbo, a nation made of 3,000,000-4,000,000 people, with its headquarters located in the legislative capital Hoddesdon's Lunar Prime Stadium. While the HAJFF bases itself in Hoddesdon, Hoddesdonshire, the team itself is based just over the county border in Harlow, Norsex at the Pendulum Trinity Stadium. It organizes professional, semi-professional and amateur football in Hertfordia. The HAJFF also manages the National Football Club of Hertfordshire and Jammbo. Founded in 1419 as the Confederation of Hertfordian Football, it is one of the youngest football federations known, even so with the sport having burst onto the scene like it did over here in our own little corner of the world, it is already one of the largest organisations in the country. The HAJFF is 51% owned by fans and 49% owned by the Ministry of Sport, which in itself takes orders from HM Cabinet and the Prime Minister.
The Uniform - Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Kits
Home Kit (Player + Goalkeeper)
Spoiler'Away' Kit (Player + Goalkeeper)
Spoiler'Third' Kit (Player + Goalkeeper)
SpoilerThe Home Venue - Pendulum Trinity, Harlow, Norsex (Capacity: 73,620)
(DISCLAIMER: Ignore the inside, this is a photo of a real life stadium that Pendulum Trinity is based on)
The Badges - Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation Logos
The Tactics - 3W-1-3W-1-2
This formation's main strength is variability. The HFF can switch between many formations, including 3-1-3-1-2, 4-3-1-2, 3-4-1-2, 3-1-4-2, 3-1-3-3, 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 3-4-3 and 3-5-2 depending on the situation. The style of the HAJFF is a mixture of Gegenpressing with hints of Possession in normal play and Park-the-Bus when protecting a large lead, and the team has massive reserves of energy as long as it is not boiling hot. This team is definitely more suited to cold temperatures than most other nations, so we hope it is a chilly feel when we train and play matches. Each team member can play in at least 2 positions. The main strengths of the team are variability and the midfield. The main weakness is that the team does not play as well in hot weather as in cold weather, thanks to the climate back home. Luckily, United Adaikes is based at a very similar latitude to Hertfordshire and Jammbo so that works for us, even if it is rather a long trip. Insert long sleep on train to host country here.
(THE CLOCKWORK TRIDENT FORMATION)
Style Modifier: +3.7 (Offensive - Hard Offensive)
Tactics: Gegenpressing, Possession, Park-the-Bus
The Realism - Hertfordshire and Jammbo R.P. Permissions
Injure my players: Yes
Assign my players yellow cards: Yes
Assign my players red cards: Yes
Godmod injuries: No
Godmod scoring: No
Godmod other events: No- United Adaikes and Zoran
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Hertfordshire and Jammbo wishes to enter this football tournament. (Prototypes for potential team logo below)
Hertfordshire and Jammbo is also in the process of weighing up the pros and cons of putting in a bid to host the tournament. Decision will be reached in the next few days.
NOTE: Hertfordshire and Jammbo has decided not to bid for hosting of the 1421 Football World Cup. This is not because we do not wish to, we very much do want to host the tournament, but rather because we doubt anyone would want to play in a country where the coldest places are ice caps, the warmest places tend not to reach 10oC, 22m/h winds are almost constant, 93m/h winds in the south aren't uncommon and even 120m/h winds are prone to happening in the south-west reaches. Even in summer, which it is in H&J, it is still what many who have already bid for hosting would consider a cold autumn day.
Also more importantly, Hertfordshire and Jammbo is rather isolated from the rest of the world, in its own harsh yet picturesque part of the land. We would bloody love to host though and have the capacity to do so.
- Arifiyyah and United Adaikes
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Update
Hello and welcome to the final proper news section from the Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union for The West Pacific Rugby World Cup 2. This report is haphazardly put together because we have received word that Stratosfera Park, the home stadium of the HRJ, has commissioned a new Hall of Fame type thing to be built out of existing corridor. The working title is simply 'The West Pacific Rugby Union Trophy Cabinet' although the name 'Platinum West' named after the colour/metal most commonly utilized in national sporting awards is the frontrunner for the final name. Many others have been suggested. This new project will be designed to recognise the best of individuals and teams from across TWP. The first order of business is the specific area for teams as a whole. Exactly put, the teams that have been on the podium in this Rugby World Cup and the previous. Segments for 3rd placers Giovanniland & United Adaikes have already been finished as have segments for 2nd placers Fujai & Dalimbar. You'll be hard pressed to find these two near each other willingly, unless it is for trading insults and what not. In the wake of the Clan's victory in the current world cup, the segments for TWP Rugby World Cup winners Hertfordshire and Jammbo & Zoran has commenced construction. Expected completion time is a few weeks from now, give or take the occasional month. As stated previously, the final report will be on the individual and team themes as requested by fellow Andolian nation New Velka.
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Matchday 6 - Defeat
Eliminated from The West Pacific Rugby World Cup 2
Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen 16-22 United Adaikes Sharks
Tries:
Robert Lee (52'), Ongo Vidopliassova (59')
Penalties:
Jeremy Clarkson (7'), Damian Mladenov (63')
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Tonight: Nothing goes here, because we've been knocked out.
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Matchday 6 Report - Preview: Hello and welcome to the final matchday review of the entire tournament for us. Yes, you heard that right. We were defeated by a small debutant team from bloody Polaris. That damn continent again?! How much have they dominated sporting in recent memory, we wonder. It would be funny if it weren't so humiliating. This report has come late due to us really not wanting to make it, but a job's a job. So here goes nothing.
Matchday 6 Report - First Half: Match begins, and the 7th minute sees us immediately take the deserved lead through a penalty by Jeremy Clarkson. Hammond & May weren't petty, but we did find a mysteriously smashed drumkit after the match. That was the limit of our scoring in the first half as the Sharks inexplicably raised their defensive performance and managed to shut out the HRJ's brutal attack power. Admittedly, we were missing 3 players, one of which was a front-line player, but that is no excuse for a team once utterly dominant on the field, only to see itself yanked off it's podium by force. Yadda yadda yadda, we don't want to make this so it is half-arsed, Adaikes scored in the 17th and 37th minutes with tries, the first of which had a conversion come with the deal. Half time arrives, the HRJ were down 3-12.
Matchday 6 Report - Second Half: Like we said just before, this is completely half-arsed with little effort put in. The second half saw the HRJ go back to steamrolling the Sharks, placing immense pressure on their lines. They were, of course, rewarded with a 52nd minute try by captain Robert Lee and a 59th minute try by Ongo Vidopliassova. Coincidentally, both of them were two of the HRJ's best players in the first TWPRWC. Day of the veterans, almost. Adaikes responded immediately with a dubious penalty, before the Remnants responded to that response with a penalty of their own, Damian Mladenov eager to mentally break down the opponent. With that 11 minute blitz, despite the clearly incorrectly given Adaikes penalty, the HRJ were now back into the lead and quickly reasserting themselves as the superior team. It was clear to United Adaikes just why the Remnants had won the inaugural Rugby World Cup, here they were in their full glory, ready to plunge any and all hopeful adversaries into the despair of defeat, more often than not a crushing defeat. Damian's cruel tactics worked, for about 6 minutes, but when United Adaikes earned themselves a third try with added conversion bonus out of quite literally nowhere the tide turned. The brief silence of the crowds on both ends said it all really. Were United Adaikes about to pull off the shock of the tournament? The HRJ wasn't going to let that happen easily, pummeling the Adaikesian defenses with everything they could muster, including the natural randomness it held. Seriously though, have you seen this team's make-up, it is slightly ridiculous. What kind of place is Hertfordshire and Jammbo anyway?! Right, now that we are done plagiarising old reports, back to the game. Full-time struck and with it the hopes of retaining the title were torn in half. The Remnants had been defeated much to the joy of many other participants, most notably Fujai and Dalimbar who came close to actually agreeing with each other. Yeah, people really didn't want us to win a second time. They got their wish, hope they're happy because we certainly aren't. This game proved a few things. 1: No one can stay on top forever. 2: The superior team doesn't always come out the victors, shocks can and do happen. 3: Dear Lord, that Adaikesian defense were immensely good, they had to be in order to limit the HRJ to 16 points. It could have easily been something like HAJ 37-22 UAD if it weren't for them. 4: United Adaikes were the dark horse of the tournament, at least until they weren't. Full time score, 16-22 to United Adaikes. Oh cock!
Next Time: Back to the land of the countryside for us. Do not expect the reports to end though. A special update consisting of all the themes of the players will be coming out in the near future. A fellow Andolian nation called New Velka asked all the other nations what their teams themes were. We aim to answer that question and then some. Based on margin of loss we have finished 7th in the tournament, at least we got the lucky number position. The Sharks on the other hand suffered a low scoring 9-5 defeat to, you guessed it, Dalimbar. That's not gone well. The landmine junta could be on the way to win it all if they can get past the refugee-wielding king of judo Zoran. Beware the Floridamen. They will most likely pull out all the stops from their seemingly bottomless pit of tactics. Considering that Zoran were handily defeated by us in this same tournament, and we made light work of the Dalimbari in the first Rugby World Cup, we think Dalimbar have what it takes to win the trophy and show the barbarians what for. Now if you'll excuse us, we need to vent our frustrations at some important details. Goodbye.
Elsewhere: Remind us why the hell BetterBy Pharma drugs were found in the pre-match refreshments!!! That's just wrong!
- Dalimbar, United Adaikes and Zoran
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Matchday 5 - Defeat
Big Bad Badger 15-13 Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen
Tries:
Ongo Vidopliassova (19'), Bello Salman (74')
Penalties:
Mina Klebitz (34')
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Tonight:
Isaac doesn't realize his cat is dead, Keiki seems mildly surprised, and Jeremy shouts "POWERRRRRRR!".
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Matchday 5 Report - Preview: Hello and welcome to the final matchday review of the group stages. This report will cover our match with Big Bad Badger, a nation who we thought since they were more into ultimate frisbee than rugby, and because we already defeated them in the previous tournament, that it would be a cake walk. Fate would tell otherwise in a very close battle that ultimately ended with the Remnants suffering not just their first loss of the 2nd TWP Rugby World Cup, but their absolute first loss. Ever. The HRJ took a massive hit in the rankings, dropping below Doll Guldur's last remaining representative Libterraria. Mind you, that didn't really affect us that match, factoring in the truth that it was the knockout stages of the inaugural World Cup where we really put ourselves on the sporting map. Besides, it was bound to happen eventually, no team can stay unbeaten forever. The HRJ managed to go on a 9 match winning streak before Badger finally halted that today. Oh, are we getting a bit carried away? Sorry, let's get on with the match review. We would like to point out that through injury, Isaac and Jeremy have been replaced in the starting 15 by Mamoru and Mina.
Matchday 5 Report - First Half: Time for the match to commence and as the rankings produced by Dalimbar would suggest, the HRJ quickly took the initiative and control of the match was in the palm of their hands, just as Faust and Rago had planned. While there was no immediate try, it was inevitable at this rate that we would draw first blood and we did, veteran star Ongo Vidopliassova lumping in a try in the 19th minute. That was certainly reward for running the Badgerians ragged like we did. But then, something very strange happened. Instead of being forced under more pressure, Big Bad Badger decided to treat their next attack as if it were their last of the tournament. This bamboozled the HRJ lines, who collapsed out of formation in shock at this unprecedented high risk move. It paid off for the Badgerians who were able to sneak in a narrow try despite the best efforts of our defence. Faust was fuming, partially at the team for allowing the opponent to level up the score but mostly at Badgeria for actually being able to pull that off. It seemed everyone on the HRJ camp had underestimated their adversaries, but no more! There would be no dawdling from this point on, and the HRJ turned up the performance, quickly reminding the Badgerians who they were trifling with. It was late in the first half, 34 minutes gone, when under immense pressure a Badgerian player committed a foul against one of our own. Mina took the penalty, and scored, putting us back into the lead. What was clearly etched into the minds of the manager and coach though was that Big Bad Badger were putting up far more of a fight than anyone could have anticipated. They had nothing left to fight for, except maybe the 3rd spot in our group and what good is that when only the top 2 can make it to the quarter finals? It was a baffling scenario. Faust and Rago knew they had to think of some new tactics and fast. Half-time arrived, Hertfordia leads 5-8.
Matchday 5 Report - Second Half: Just like in our match against Zoran, we fell behind in the early stages of the second half to a second Badgerian try. This came as a lesser shock to the Remnants, but as a colossal shock, dare we say a wake up call to the fans of the HRJ. They were so used to seeing the Remnants take early leads in the second half. Seemingly a few other teams had caught on to this trademark of ours. If they have, then that removes a significant avenue for scoring. Not only did Badgeria do that to us, they were now in the lead. But if we had learnt anything from the Zoran game, it's that a comeback should always be considered as on the cards. With the team rejuvenated from that fresh thought, they charged hard at the Badgerian defence to take back the match and skewer them just as we had done before. Solemnly we have to tell you that this time it was different. The team seemed to have been badly affected by the events of this game and even the manager's words of wisdom were null and void against the feeling of doubt setting in that maybe the HRJ were being caught up to by everyone. For some players this was dreaded, they had been dominant for so long now. For others though some new competition sounded just like what the doctor ordered. Matches could be even more exciting than they already were. Please just let us find a silver lining, we can't be all doom and gloom. Nearly halfway through the second half and things couldn't possibly get worse, and then they were, because it was time for Big Bad Badger to score their third try of the match. This time through actual talented manoeuvres, not errors by us. Well done to them. Now we really were in trouble, 7 points down with 22 minutes left. We've had worse situations. Try as they might the HRJ simply couldn't break down the Badgerian defences. Most likely explanation is that this almost inconceivable situation had filled them with the confidence and then some to square up to the certified best rugby team in The West Pacific, to finally drag the south-ish east Andolia outfit down a peg. Just 6 minutes from the final whistle, Bello decided to ease nerves by pummeling in a try of his own, bringing our score up to 13. Still 2 points behind our opposition. The reason we have not mentioned conversions until now is because they haven't been happening. This was a match where conversions would have been a godsend. Our failure to score any of the two conversions was the difference between a 10th straight victory and the harsh reality of defeat. The referee's whistle signaled the coming of the harsh reality. The Remnants had lost to Big Bad Badger in an excruciatingly close battle, end result of which was defeat by comeback. Good job Badgerians, you have earned this commendation from us. We are still hurting though. Considering how oddly similar the three scorers for us were, no wonder people are calling this match 'Jammbo's Cliff Edge'.
Next Time: Now that we are back on schedule at long last, we have no need to mention that we won the group and will face United Adaikes in the quarter finals. They will have the 'home advantage' as described in the Dalimbari built and run ranking service. We sit in the number 2 spot having dropped from the top position, meanwhile the Sharks are 10th having fallen from 6th. Big Bad Badger finish in 3rd in Group C. Despite them being knocked out, they can return to a satisfied crowd back at their home in north-western Polaris with the added smugness of being the first team to ever defeat the HRJ. Good on them. Now, time to prepare for our next match, something ongoing long before this was posted. Goodbye readers, see you all again in tomorrows news report.
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Matchday 4 - Victory
Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen 17-3 Reçueçn
Tries:
Nagisa Tsankov (13'), Isaac Moriah (25'), Keiki Hadjiivanova (62')
Conversions:
Takumi Mihailov (63')
Injuries:
Isaac Moriah (36'), Jeremy Clarkson (68')
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Tonight:
Satori does detective work, Britannia stands on a podium with a lion, and Galeem appears different.
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Matchday 4 Report - Preview: Welcome to this overly late report on matchday 4 against the previous Rugby World Cup hosts Reçueçn, who despite the issues regarding embassy protests last time round had a pleasant match with an overall lack of excessive violence. Obviously there was violence, this is a sport where people ram into each other with body armour on. There were two red cards in our previous match which saw Satori replaced with Nagisa and Kaguya replaced with Takumi. As we'll see, this match was stolen by the first-time players. We did say that the report would come yesterday but it took longer than we thought. Quality over quantity, are we right?
Matchday 4 Report - First Half: Match begins, and was immediately slightly tense. Just kidding, it was actually rather nice for a rugby match. The opposition done well to hold the HRJ back but they couldn't hold on forever and debutant Nagisa, who replaced Satori at the very front of the formation, scored the first try of the match. No conversion, did we really need to point that out, because it's pretty obvious that we wouldn't. Roughly an equal amount of time between the first try and second try as was between kick-off and the first try passed when Isaac slotted a second try to make it 10-0 to the Remnants. Guess what didn't happen. We'll let you figure that out for yourselves. We really aren't the best at symmetry but as the times of our scoring show we can get rather close. The half then turned into a dominant display, by the HRJ of course, as Reçueçn were forced into their own half by the HRJ's aggressive attacking style of play. However at the 36th minute spirits were dampened as Isaac, who we believe has scored 2 tries this tournament, found himself badly injured forced to be carried off on a stretcher. Faust, the manager, made no delay in bringing him off and giving Mamoru Petrovskis his first appearance. Still, even with that loss we still had another superb player replacing him on the pitch and our dominance continued right up until half-time, when only the whistle of the referee gave Reçueçn some room to breathe. Half time score, HRJ 10-0 REC, it's nice to be back to commanding ways at half-time intervals.
Matchday 4 Report - Second Half: The second half begins. Fans of the Remnants will know that we are particularly skilled in taking early leads, especially when it comes to the second half. This match flipped the tried and tested formula on it's head, the HRJ fell behind in the early stages to a penalty warranted by a light foul on one of the opposition players, which thankfully did not result in any card. The referee is on point today it would seem. The scoreline above shows that the ex-hosts did not score any more than those solitary 3 points, meaning the outcome of this match is blatantly clear to all who pay even the slightest bit of attention to rugby. But that does not mean we are done shoving important TWPRWC information down your willing throats, not by a long shot. We bet our dedicated readers and followers want to see how the rest of the match went and we guarantee that this review won't disappoint under any circumstances. A load of light rampaging through the disheveled Reçueçn formation was what fate insisted on happening which was a blessed relief to the HRJ considering the fact that the opposition camp could have easily been spurred on by their penalty. At the minute known as 62, that's just over an hour of play, Keiki managed to make a long-awaited impact by stretching the HRJ's lead to 12 points. She's a sculptor god, so the creation of a try out of absolutely bloody nowhere was bound to occur. Her sculpting arts made miracles yet again immediately afterwards, lo and behold! An actual conversion, that was actually scored. It's probably quite annoying to see this review emphasising the word 'actually' like it was some sort of addictive prescription drug, to which we say that not only did the HRJ score a conversion, it was scored by another debutant, tofu delivery driver and touge racer Takumi Mihailov. Surely you all remember him from his silver medal at the TWP Olympics. His incredible skills have been honed for touge racing despite the obvious lack of mountainous terrain let alone mountains in Hertfordshire and Jammbo. 5 minutes after that and Jeremy had the brilliant idea of trying to ram through the entire Reçueçn team on his lonesome. Sometimes if you listen closely you can actually hear his genius. Armed with tried and tested philosophy of 'Speed and Power!' he plowed through as many players as he could which if executed correctly would have meant a clear run to the try zone for the Remnants. Nope, midway through he was injured by an opposition player. Scratch that, he injured himself because he's a pillock. On the bench Hammond and May were, as ever, right there for him. Cue Hammond and May laughing hysterically at Clarkson's failure. He was brought off for Mina Klebitz. Comedy gold was produced by the HRJ, add that to the list of things we do well. The remainder of the match, 12 minutes to be precise, was pretty lackluster with more effort devoted to laughing at Jeremy than to the actual match. Not that it mattered, as the Remnants had recorded a convincing 17-3 victory against the former Rugby World Cup hosts. Full-time merely confirmed this.
Next Time: The next report will be on matchday 5 and its game against Big Bad Badger. We will not reveal the outcome of that match, partially because we want to keep it a secret so reading our reviews won't seem utterly pointless, and partially because we kind of don't want to reveal the result. We guess you can see where this is going. Either way, presently the HRJ have finished the group in 1st place and move on to the quarter finals. You know that nation that put together that group outcome analysis we praised in an earlier review? Well, we are taking them on next. They're a debutant nation, 1 of 4 representing Polaris, a continent which quite frankly has dominated overall sporting for long enough. United Adaikes is next, we await the match eagerly. The opponents, Reçueçn, finished the group in 4th spot following their loss to the HRJ and an easy victory over Teralyon, whose showing this tournament has just been a complete disaster. Now come on Remnants, you are the last of Andolia's representatives. Bring it home for nation and continent! In other news, Takumi's father Bunta is wondering how his AE86 has been turned into an AE85. What do we think, ladies & gentleman?
Disclaimer: We are definitely not going to make our reports any more flashy or broad. Yes, we were actually asked to do that. Have you people ever heard of understatement? Come on, this is the HRJ writing the reports, we thought this was sorted earlier.
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Matchday 3 - Victory
National Athletics Clan of Zoran 14-24 Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen
Tries:
Britannia Degre (5'), Shang Rozītis (46'), Peter Cipriani (57'), Ongo Vidopliassova (75')
Conversions:
Bello Salman (47'), Isaac Moriah (76')
Red Cards:
Kaguya Birziņa, (23'), Satori Vinters (53')
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Tonight:
Peter uses facial expressions that aren't frowning, Robert puts up a picture, and Barack takes Dilberian drugs.
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Matchday 3 Report - Preview: Hello and welcome to this matchday report by us, the HRJ. We apologize for not sending this out to viewers yesterday, there was a problem at our media studio (Lowfield) when protesters decrying the obviously impure nature of the coach stormed the offices and attempted to hijack the news that the dedicated reporters were in the process of writing. As if everyone didn't know Rago was an evil sod already. Anyway, matchday 3 was against Zoran. Of all the debutant teams, the clansmen seemed to be the best performing, already hitting a lofty 3rd in the rankings. As you can probably tell from the scoreline displayed way above, the Remnants were able to put the clan in their place. The Zoranian refugees, who may or may not have been given a dose of Dilberian 'essential oils', meanwhile were dealt with swiftly and accordingly by the Hertfordian mafia. They were expecting the famous Zoranian judo team to turn up and knock out the referee and a few of our players, but they never turned up. Probably out drinking somewhere. The mafia (Ḿafie) refused to let their long trip to Dilber go to waste, so they 'subtly' threatened the refugees on the sidelines. By pointing their guns at them and shooting a few times in a 'Get Off My Lawn' way. Don't worry, thankfully there were no casualties. It wasn't worth it to the mafia and the HRJ would be in real deep waters with human rights activists. Wanna know why the HRJ is so associated with the mafia? Well, Peter Cipriani is a high ranking member if the Ļaien Crime Family, one of Hertfordshire & Jammbo's most powerful mafia organisations.
Matchday 3 Report - First Half: After that fiasco involving the mafia, refugees and judo was over, the match officially commenced. It didn't take long at all for the HRJ to go into the lead, their experience with taking early leads shining through against a Zoran team who might have been counting on the refugees or judo team to help them today. It was Britannia Degre who scored the try in the 5th minute, and a conversion did not happen. To be honest, the one area where we are relatively weak is conversions. Fast forward 10 minutes and it became clear to the HRJ why their aggressive play brings risks. 15 minutes gone and Zoran had brought the score back to 3-5 through a penalty. They then started to get a good foothold in the game, and the early dominance of the HRJ was little by little scraped away. A nicely even match was played out, all for the span of ~4 minutes. Kaguya Birziņa decided to make things worse for the Remnants by getting herself sent off. Our guess is that she attempted to create a false moon or something. Down to 14 players and down 6-5. It wasn't looking good. Literally 2 minutes after that debacle, Zoran got a try elevating their score to 11. They failed the conversion, allowing us to breathe a sigh of relief. For the rest of the half, the HRJ were pinned in their own half as Zoran attempted to make their numerical advantage count for something, yet were unable to. First half over, NACZ 11-5 HRJ, clearly Faust had to make a rant.
Matchday 3 Report - Second Half: Remember when we said that we are experienced with early leads? Want to see that again? Well you can and you did, when Shang Rozitis angrily hurled the ball into the try zone before letting Bello take care of the conversion. Yes, we scored a conversion. More importantly the manager's rant appeared to have had an effect, because just 7 minutes into the 2nd half and we were back in the lead although we still weren't going to have it easy. That point was proved at the 53 minute mark by Satori who was inexplicably sent off for... reasons. Prime Minister Clarkov Furutani Jammbonevych called it a bunch of balls. Without our resident mind reader, we could no longer anticipate the opponents tactics and moves, making the job of holding on to the narrowest of advantages that much harder. But recall back to the previous TWP Rugby World Cup final where we were in a similarly treacherous position. The hero of that match Peter turned up in a surprisingly sharp yet stylish business-like suit and threatened the Zoranian defenders with unpleasant consequences unless they allowed him through. He succeeded, thereby scoring a try and making our lead a bit less nerve-wracking. Did we forget to mention that Zoran scored a third penalty raising their score to 14-5 before this? Yes? Well we have now. The second half from then on devolved into a strange occurrence, due to the now 13-player HRJ managing to somewhat outplay the 15-player Zoran. We couldn't resist a late jab to the clansmen, in the 75th minute 5 minutes from time, Ongo made up for his stupid yellow card in the previous match by sealing victory and a second win in the group stages. Fellow previous-match-yellow-card receiver Isaac laid the cherry on top of an overall satisfying second half performance. Full time could not come soon enough for the opposite camp, whose manager had to watch his team squander a lead against an opponent with 2 red cards dished out to them. Even if that opponent was the reigning champion. Match review over, a hard fought win for the Remnants.
Next Time: Due to the late time at which this was posted, we must get on with the review of another match that occurred during the aforementioned disruption, that of our convincing win against Reçueçn. Despite potential for an aggrieved match thanks to Hertfordian protesters at the 1st tournament, there were no major scraps or much tension at all. Glad we still have an overall quality relationship with the north-central Polaris outfit. The next match at time of publishing is against Badgeria, a nation more interested in ultimate frisbee than rugby. Expect it to be a cake walk, if we don't get hungover from already winning the group per United Adaikes above-par analysis of the groups. Zoran will leave wondering if their judo team actually turns up in the future. They have played all their matches, having defeated Teralyon in between the NACZ/HRJ match and now. They now await who their opponent in the quarter final will be, like us. Who will the HRJ battle once the group stages end? The candidates are Fujai, Saint Mark and United Adaikes. Goodbye, we're off to report again. We really need a vacation once this is over, a trip to western Andolia sounds nice.
- Zoran, United Adaikes and Dalimbar
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3
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Matchday 2 - Victory
Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen 15-0 Teralyon
Tries:
Damian Mladenov (1'), Satori Vinters (2'), Galeem Gaismas (16')
Yellow Cards:
Isaac Moriah (12'), Hiroto Mucenieks (32'), Ongo Vidopliassova (48')
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Tonight:
Hiroto glares disapprovingly, Bello looks completely ridiculous, and Shang tries to steal someone's soul.
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Matchday 2 Report - First Half: Well, by some miracle the HRJ made it to Dilber in time to see the first matches, which didn't disappoint. They used the time to analyze their opponents and see who in their group would be the biggest challenge. After much careful deliberation over some Bovril that James helpfully provided, it was concluded that Zoran, a debutant team, would be the most dangerous team to the HRJ's hopes of retaining the title. But enough about that as this is a report about the routine victory over Teralyon. That it was a victory wasn't really a surprise, considering that per the new rankings that Dalimbar have calculated Teralyon is the worst competitor currently besides Nieubasria. So you would be forgiven for thinking that the team were slacking off but nope, manager Faust and coach Rago drilled it into the players that they need to work just as hard as before if they want to have a hope in heaven of winning a 2nd time. The players clearly responded. The match began and then paused, then resumed and then paused again. The culprit? Two quick tries from Damian and Satori respectively. The fans of both teams were stunned into silence, even with this mostly new look roster the HRJ seemed no worse off. There was simply an appetite to get it over with. After all, everyone on the HRJ wanted a rest after the tiring trip to Dilber. 12 minutes in and Isaac gets himself booked for a light foul, before Galeem put the game to bed before a quarter of the match could pass. Those strange wings and rigid hair aren't just for show. Park-the-bus was activated, save for a blip when the disapproving Hiroto exacted his displeasure on an opposition player and got himself the yellow card. What a clot. The first half ended, with utter dominance by the Remnants.
Matchday 2 Report - Second Half: Not much to say here. The team was tired, the manager and coach were tired, all of them just wanted the game to end. So fans were in for the most insultingly drab half of a rugby match in memory. Sorry, not sorry. Luckily Ongo, a veteran from the first TWPRWC and one of the teams best players, has a kind heart and spiced things up a bit with a 'mistimed' tackle. Into the book he went. At least something happened, eh? After many many minutes of abject snore fest, full time arrived and the Remnants had swatted aside a Teralyon team who, despite having a sword on their flag, had a most blunt attack imaginable. I mean, we're an attacking, aggressive team with a high line and they still couldn't score a single point on us! We hear that Faust gave a call to the Prime Minister, Clarkov Furutani Jammbonevych 'Clarkson', expressing shock at how quickly the match was laid to rest. He was informed by the PM that one of the try scorers is infamous as an apparent mind reader. That might explain the unsettling thing that looks like some sort of third eye on Satori then. Whatever the reason, the HRJ had creamed their first match, now if you'll excuse us we're going to bed. Goodnight!
Next Time: The HRJ have their next match against the aforementioned danger team of the group. Matchday 3 was to pit them against the National Athletics Clan of Zoran, who had won both of their two matches so far without conceding. Tough challenge, but since when did we back down from a challenge? Teralyon meanwhile have what is likely the worst PD in the tournament and will be thankful for a bye on the next matchday.
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Update
Tonight:
Ongo lazes around, Kaguya opens some doors, and Damian raises a gate.
Hello and welcome to the first proper news section from the Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union for the 2nd The West Pacific Rugby World Cup. If you're wondering why we aren't naming the HRJ in the country's native Anglian tongue and are instead using this strange language that for some reason everyone in this rugby world cup can understand, then stop wondering. It's because we can, now zip it! Anyway, let's get on with the announcement of the kits for our team, the Remnants. They are also often called the Hell Ravens, but the Remnants is the official nickname.
The shorts and socks will be out at a slightly later time. There is also no sponsor at all, because sponsors on sporting related kits do not exist.
As for the first matchday, we have a bye as the HRJ are in a 5 team group, Group C. The first match will be on Matchday 2 against Teralyon. Until then, we are boarding the ferry that will take us to the land of Dilber. Who bets on us getting lost? We hope to avoid it.
Signed, Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen
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Hertfordshire and Jammbo
Emblem: Look above
Union: Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union
Head coach: Faust Ḩarełeudeiem/Rago Ǹemisis
Captain: Robert Lee
Most caps: Robert Lee (5)
Top scorer: Mikhail Faustin (23)
Top try scorer: Ongo Vidopliassova/Mikhail Faustin (4)
Home stadium: Stratosfera Park
World Rugby rankings
Current: 1 (as of 29 November 1420)
Highest: 1 (1420)
Lowest: 7 (1420)
First international
Dalimbar 17-18 Hertfordshire and Jammbo
(23 February 1420)Biggest win
Hertfordshire and Jammbo 19-0 Sensorland
(29 February 1420)Biggest defeat
N/A
World Cup
Appearances: 1 (First in 1420)
Best result: Champions, 1420
Website: We don't have a website
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De Efisl Raste av di Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen/Афитсилниьат Спаисук не Катфадсие ае Дзаембеу Рагби Сцийас
AKA: It's getting slightly ridiculous now. What kind of place is Hertfordshire & Jammbo anyway?!
Neim/Имеи Deende/Пеуп Eide/Вузрвст Nambe/Неуме Pezisn/Пазитсийа Klab/Клаб Setelment/Селисти Lig/Лпге Ongo Vidopliassova
Male 13 3 Tight-Head Prop Shakhtar Deambeu RFK Malatsavichy Premiesip Kaguya Birziņa Female 1,400 6 Blind-Side Flanker Ivatsechytsa Eientei RFK Kirkelev Tsampiensip Damian Mladenov Male 11 12 Inside Centre Vezdenurekesväk RFK Kirkeholm Tsampiensip Hiroto Mucenieks Male 14 5 Lock Břevínov RFK Valaškovice Tsampiensip Bello Salman Male 11-12 4 Lock RFK Deambeu Tothalom Premiesip Shang Rozītis Male 29 2 Hooker Teplisek RFK Přehumín Tsampiensip Peter Cipriani Male 31 7 Open-Side Flanker Kistafalu RFK Grigorionii Tsampiensip Robert Lee (Captain) Male 213 13 Outside Centre Sajothalom RFK Cimiceni Premiesip Barack Vranchev Male 59 9 Scrum Half Biatorbas RFK Balatonves Premiesip Satori Vinters Female Unknown 1 Loose-Head Prop RFK Piritsa Pákés Premiesip Britannia Degre Female 27 14 Right Wing Nova Pulalin RFK Anibolia Premiesip Galeem Gaismas Genderless Don't Try Asking 15 Full Back Gaismas Pasaule RFK Vulcăneșlia Tsampiensip Isaac Moriah Male 5 11 Left Wing Brehasca RFK Komarovo Premiesip Keiki Hadjiivanova Female Unknown 8 Number 8 Amasterat RFK Corrași Premiesip Jeremy Clarkson Male 60 10 Fly Half Jawozin Ȟames RFK Staloków Tsampiensip
If any injuries are sustained, there is one reserve for each person on the main team.
Neim/Имеи Deende/Пеуп Eide/Вузрвст Nambe/Неуме Pezisn/Пазитсийа Klab/Клаб Setelment/Селисти Lig/Лпге Nagisa Tsankov Male 10-12 1 Loose-Head Prop Slawbin RFK Vabruysk Premiesip Francis Vitanov Male 36 2 Hooker Vyernhyamyel RFK Bykavysk Tsampiensip Vodka Drunkenskis Male 35 3 Tight-Head Prop Valaštek RFK Kokovice Premiesip Peko Pekyneva Female 16-17 4 Lock Kuzuryu Klan Dunarica N/A Phoenix Blaus Male 28 5 Lock Senejov Eidensi RFK Šašská Premiesip Takumi Mihailov Male 19 6 Blind-Side Flanker Project D Bachyn N/A Sig Pironev Male Unknown 7 Open-Side Flanker RFK Dollynska Pomivary Tsampiensip Richard Hammond Male 50 8 Number 8 Berevutych Ẁaipaut RFK DruzdrivskBirminghamPremiesip Draco Myronovych Female 16 9 Scrum Half Pastalawye RFK Zhylya Tsampiensip Mina Klebitz Female 12-13 10 Fly Half Shakhtar Deambeu RFK Mioghita Premiesip Mamoru Petrovskis Male 14 11 Left Wing Inazuma Ostroná FK Tábokolov Tsampiensip James May
Male 57 12 Inside Centre Valašlov RFK Havlídubice Premiesip Rococo Radulov Male 14 13 Outside Centre Pilisve Gigant FK Biatorna Tsampiensip Goomo Vasils Male 12 14 Right Wing RFK Deambeu Sorvári
Premiesip Aran Dimitrov Male 23 15 Full Back Corocco RFK Rîbder Premiesip Manidee/Менидсцуе: Mr. Faust Ḩarełeudeiem [A mysterious man who turned up one day to replace Jennifer Hammond as manager, after she was ousted due to conflicts with the public over her desire to become a car show presenter. That, or a daytime radio presenter. Faust, whose name roughly translates to 'Fist of the Pendulum Clock', is widely regarded to be the greatest manager in the country, with an innate and often frightening knack for making any team into a defensive fortress, even if they use all-out attacking tactics. A defence so great that no team has ever been able to score more than 7 points against him. It has often led to many rumours that Faust is nothing but an experiment by the HRJ. He is known as the King of Defence, other times people call him the Spiral Enforcer. He has a superb working relationship with the HRJ coach. No one knows whether Faust can be considered ally or enemy on the international stage.]
Keuts/Трене: Mr. Rago Ǹemisis [Replaced Isambard May, who renamed himself back to James May and became a player for the HRJ. A style of complete attack, the polar opposite of Faust's defending style, Rago is the champion of offense in Hertfordia. Despite this, he has general goodwill towards the manager, as he was resurrected by the 'Fist of the Pendulum Clock' following his apparent murder at the hands of an unknown scarf wearer. The 'Child of the Black Sun' is said to be harboring intentions of turning TWP into a new pit of darkness, but surely if that comes to fruition, the players and manager can put him back down. He is known as the God of Destruction, because in every match his teams take part in, they have always managed to win by at least 20 points. Sometimes he is also known as Nemesis Incarnate. Watch out for him. His right hand man Pluto Ḩeidīz is the one who convinced Rago to take up the HRJ coaching mantle. He once ran for prime minister, on a platform of making the dark prophecy of the ancient King Ḩeidīz into law.]
Steidiem/Стааиен: Stratosfera Park (Hoddesdon) [Stratosfera Park is the national stadium for the HRJ and is based in the northern fringes of Hoddesdon, just a couple streets away from the Princess Alexandra Hospital. It has been the home of the HRJ ever since the beginning of 1420 SM. This stadium has a capacity of 90,810 seats, making it the second largest stadium in the land behind Fàktri Mêridien in Harlow, which has a capacity of 111,089 as a football stadium, and is near the Music Factory, where all of TWP's music ultimately harkens back to. There's a reason the Jammbo side of H&J is referred to by nationals as the 'Origin of Music in the Universe'.]
Stail Madifaie/Стли Мадифаикеите: +3.7 [Rugby players in H&J are aggressive players, and are often offensively minded. The tactics of H&J perhaps resemble an organized mafia assault, this time with a new style of attack built by training in the countryside. When needed, they also perform a mean park-the-bus defence, due to their height and speed off the line/in general]
RP Permissions (I wish, yet again, for a realistic experience):
Injure My Players : Yes
Assign Yellow Cards: Yes
Assign Red Cards: Yes
Godmod injuries: No
Godmod scoring: No
Godmod other events: No
The roster for this season retains many of the stars and fan favourites that lifted us to the title last time round, but also features new faces who broke through the rigorous yet rewarding HRJ academy. Come on Remnants, go for top once more!
This roster has been provided by the Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen. Thank you for your patience.
NOTE: Hertfordshire and Jammbo has a very well developed local rugby scene that has been going on for some time, and it has some experience in national rugby, having won the first TWP Rugby World Cup. The local scene received a substantial boost after the underdog success story that was the HRJ from the current government.
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The HRJ is signing up, time for The Remnants to defend our title!
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Better Late Than Never, From The Gentleman Of The Countryside | Běte Leit Đan Ņeve, Fram Đi Ďeentlmen Av Đi Ķantrisaid
Remember when we said that there were going to be three sepreate posts? Well, there isn't, so erase that from your minds.
Basically a bunch of crazy and weird stuff and choices for contestants in a long list. A few contestants are actually picked up from that time when the country somehow fell into the sea.
We cannot explain some of the contestants at all. Pretend it's nuclear power gone wrong or something.
It's the results, after so long. So here goes. It is going to be extremely long, and this took many days to completely perfect, because we want the work we provide to be of the highest quality. It will not be perfect, but then again, perfection is an unobtainable fantasy.
Reminder: In the Gold Medal Table, Hertfordia finished in second behind Nieubasria. In the Total Medal Table, Hertfordia finished in third, just 1 behind Astor 1.0: Aelitia Version and 2 behind Astor 2.0: Bran Version.
Spoiler1st -
- Rodrigo Brunkevičs {M} (Gold)
2nd -
- Arle Myroslavivna {F} (Gold)
3rd -
- Clarkov Jammbonev {M} (Gold)
4th -
- Charles Broxbourne {M} (Silver)
5th -
- Richard Hammond {M} (Gold)
6th -
- Hertfordia Basketball {N/A} (Gold)
7th -
- Axel Teicāns {M} (Silver)
8th -
- The Stig {?} (Silver)
9th -
- Hertfordia Handball Federation {N/A} (Gold)
10th -
- Schezo Avramov {M} (Silver)
11th -
- Xavier Boichev {M} (Bronze)
12th -
- Phil Yevhenovych {M} (Bronze)
13th -
- Hertfordia Volleyball Federation {N/A} (Silver)
14th -
- Will Nankov {M} (Bronze)
15th -
- Wolf Panasovych {M}
16th -
- Mečislavs Deben {M} (Bronze)
17th -
- Mario Volodymyrovych {M} (Bronze)
18th -
- Matt Miķelsons {M} (Bronze)
19th -
- Falco Leontijovych {M}
20th -
- Hertfordia Lacrosse {N/A} (Silver)
21st -
- Junya Liepiņš {M} (Silver)
22nd -
- Hertfordia Baseball {N/A} (Bronze)
23rd -
- Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team {N/A} (Silver)
24th -
- Peter Venev {M}
25th -
- Bryce Iliev {M} (Bronze)
26th -
- Dimentinov Alksnis {M} (Bronze)
27th -
- Mark Oleksijovych {M}
28th -
- Ringo Vītoliņš {F} (Bronze)
29th -
- Miles Leontijovych {M} (Bronze)
30th -
- Benjamin Semenovych {M} (Bronze)
31st -
- Sonic Dinev {M} (Bronze)
32nd -
- Armando Todorov {M}
33rd -
- Sig Ivankov {M}
34th -
- Takumi Mihailov {M} (Silver)
35th -
- Klug Ziedmanis {M} (Bronze)
36th -
- Wally Zunda {M}
37th -
- Fideo Vitanov {M}
38th -
- Tommy Karavelov {M}
39th -
- Galeem Stefanovych {F}
40th -
- Draco Myronovych {F} (Gold/Silver)
41st -
- Nicholas Romanov {M}
42nd -
- Vojislav Petrovskis {M} (Silver/Silver)
43rd -
- Paul Georgiev {M}
44th -
- Volodymyr Mykytovych {M}
45th -
- Zeus Illich {M}
46th -
- Stephen Romanovych {M}
47th -
- Douglas Rudzītis {M}
48th -
- Eugene Siliņš {M}
49th -
- Bobby Kazymyrovych {M}
50th -
- Jeremy Clarkson {M}
51st -
- Lemres Feodosijovych {M}
52nd -
- Milan Balkanski {M} (Gold/Silver)
53rd -
- Zacian Ādamsons {F}
54th -
- Maxie Valchev {M}
55th -
- Andross Tonchev {M}
56th -
- Edward Kostyantynovych {M}
57th -
- Edvard Mucenieks {M}
58th -
- Kaiser Ruslanovych {M}
59th -
- Wolfgang Ganev {M}
60th -
- Dimitri Ločs {M}
61st -
- Isaac Veinbergs {M}
62nd -
- Ivo Ostrovskis {M}
63rd -
- Jamie Dachev {M}
64th -
- Kokichi Pencis {M} (Silver)
65th -
- Aran Sīlis {M}
66th -
- Keisuke Yakovych {M}
67th -
- Garan Botev {F}
68th -
- Archie Serhijovych {M}
69th -
- James May {F}{M}70th -
- Pete Zhelyaskov {M}
71st -
- Vladimir Vecumnieks {M}
72nd -
- Whisker Nikolov {M}
73rd -
- Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation {N/A}
74th -
- Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union {N/A}
75th -
- Rantaro Vinters {M}
76th -
- Shawn Menavski {M}
77th -
- Squidward Rozītis {M}
78th -
- Satan Salmiņš {M}
79th -
- Kirby Blagoev {M}
80th -
- Mina Alexandrov {F}
81st -
- Martin Varbanov {M}
82nd -
- Amitie Ilev {F}
83rd -
- Benjamin Paskalev {M}
84th -
- Viktor Orbán {M}
85th -
- Volodymyr Lukanov {M}
86th -
- Colin Hedanijovych {M}
87th -
- Chihiro Adamovych {M}
88th -
- Michael Tinchev {M}
89th -
- Cain Tsankov {M}
90th -
- William Ilev {M}
91st -
- Davy Vladyslavovych {M}
92nd -
- Aneurin Landmanis {M}
93rd -
- Nathan Eduardovych {M}
94th -
- Ongo Vidopliassova {M}
95th -
- Junpei Lyubomyrovych {M}
96th -
- Steven Bachev {M}
97th -
- Soda Ihorovych {M}
98th -
- Shuichi Bušs {M}
99th -
- Bello Radulov {M}
100th -
- Kevin Olehovych {M}
101st -
- Rococo Omelyanovych {M}
102nd -
- Rose Rysinov {M}
103rd -
- Mendelssohn Stepanovych {M}
104th -
- Luigi Havrylovych {M}
105th -
- Rumen Radev {M}
106th -
- Gitanas Valters {M}
107th -
- Radovan ArtemovychWar Criminal {M}108th -
- Blumiere Zirnis {M}
109th -
- Phoenix Avramov {M}
110th -
- Marine Adamov {F}
111th -
- Patrick Gribusts {M}
112th -
- Franjo Širovs {M}
So, that was the final post from the HCOC. We hope to be back in business relatively soon, although we could well do with a rest until the next Olympics comes along. Hopefully they will be the Winter Olympics. After all, this nation is more suited to things in the cold, given the climate (scenic yet barren, temperatures usually range from -10°C to 20°C, most days of year are spent between 0-5°C).
P.S. - If there is a Winter Olympics held, Hertfordia would like to officially submit a bid to host them, either in the first or second one. But we won't. What, you expect us to host something? That can't end well for anyone, not even ourselves.
Some say that the meaning of Hertfordia is 'The land of the deer's ford', and that the Jammbo in H&J is either 'The origin of music' or 'The land of the winter farm'. All we know is, everything above is actually true.
-
After a day or so of doing random things in and around Saint Josalyn, the Hertfordian medal winners decided to head back to the Akti Palace hotel where they would discuss the matter of the medal theft.
Clarkov Clarkson: Did you guys know about the nation's friendly wager with Fuentana?
Mečislavs Deben: Now that you mention it, I did recieve Δ250,000 for the nation's healthcare services, mainly for cancer treatment.
Matt Miķelsons: That really isn't a hefty sum of money. They should have given us something closer to Δ2,500,000.
Schezo Avramov: You aren't exactly in the best position to criticize the healthcare donations of another country.
Mečislavs Deben: I'm sorry, but he's right. If you don't want to be hired and then fired again, we suggest you pipe down.
Matt Miķelsons: (Leaves room in a huff after his terrible record of healthcare is exposed)
Junya Liepiņš: By the way, before we go, could you all give me some money? I promised the Hakurei Shrine that the COCH team members would give it some donations.
Clarkov Clarkson: *Rolls eyes*
Benjamin Semenovych: Right, back to the point at hand.
Milan Balkanski: Which is?
Miles Leontijovych: Well, for some reason, our medals have been placed upon the hotel room beds.
Junya Liepiņš: Is there a ridiculous purple and black card with a cookie like a face conflicted with severe acne?
Arle Myroslavivna: You're absolutely right! The designer couldn't tell a supermodel from a cowpat.
Rodrigo Brunkevičs: It is times like this when I realize just how much of a vulgar ass I can be.
Arle Myroslavivna: Why would you be a vulgar ass?
Richard Hammond: Let's move on!
Clarkov Clarkson: (Voiceover - At this point, Captain Interesting chimed in)
James May: Those medals have been checked, they are all the real thing.
Bryce Iliev: Why the hell would an international thief return the medals that they stole?
James May: Perhaps they felt bad about the theft?
Phil Yevhenovych: What in the world are you rambling on about?!
Richard Hammond: Keep in mind that this is the man who thinks that chickens are vegetables.
James May: But they are!
Mina Alexandrov: I'm the scientist here, and chickens are not vegetables.
Charles Broxbourne: So now that we know our medals have been returned, what the hell do we tell the public? They still think CGZ stole them.
Clarkov Clarkson: Let's just let them think that he still has them.
Xavier Boichev: I'm not a politician. But isn't that corruption?
Clarkov Clarkson: Yes it is. But we're one of the world's least corrupt countries, so no one will notice.
Mečislavs Deben: So that's our plan. Try out corruption for a day.
Richard Hammond: Hang on, where is Takumi?
Will Nankov: He is out drifting with Jeremy.
Vojislav Petrovskis: Speaking of which, who's room are we in?
Kokichi Pencis: Come see, everyone! It's a teeth whitening kit!
Draco Myronovych: We now know that this is Hammond's room.
Richard Hammond: Oh, very funny, ha ha ha.
Mečislavs Deben: Save the sarcasm for the train and boat home, please.
Mario Volodymyrovych: I guess that explains the hole in the door.
Richard Hammond: Wait what?!?!
Clarkov Clarkson: I wonder who could have done that....
Richard Hammond: CLAAAAARKSOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!
James May: Oh, he's such a spanner...
After they had a rant at Jeremy Clarkson for the incident, the crew decided that it would be best if they made a quick escape from the scene before those damned paparazzi turned up and ruined their day. After boarding the Greater Anglia, they set of on rail through the continent to a port in Cambria. This is the journey: Cambria -(boat)- Teralyon -(boat)- Dayadhvam -(boat)- Fuentana -(boat)- Giovanniland -(train)- Yorubrailia -(boat)- Arnic -(boat)- Hertfordia.
That, ladies and gentleman is the end of an era. There will be one more publication by the Olympic Committee that ranks every single individual athlete that ever competed within this grand event. So over 100 different people. It will be an absolutely massive read, so 3 posts in a row are likely. This is the Hertfordian Olympic Newspaper, signing off.
-
Part 2 of the Hertfordian camp's discussions...
Benjamin Semenovych: Apologies for the tardiness.
Mečislavs Deben: Don't worry about it. I do notice a bit of an elephant in the room though.
Clarkov Clarkson: It's a hearse! It's what you put dead people in!
Benjamin Semenovych: It's a pallbearer's hearse.
Richard Hammond: I don't bloody care if it's Prince Marcarius' hearse, it's still a hearse!!! What it says to the patient is "You're not gonna make it".
Benjamin Semenovych: Who said anything about patients?
(On command, six other pallbearers get out of the hearse and pick up the coffin)
Benjamin Semenovych: Hit the play button!
The Stig: ...........
(The Stig pressed the strange button with a triangle on it. A very familiar tune starts blaring out the car stereos)
Junya Liepiņš: Are you serious? Really, Benjamin?
Benjamin Semenovych: Why wouldn't we celebrate our brilliant campaign?!
Takumi Mihailov: Hang on, we should use my AE86 Trueno. It is superior to his hearse in every single way.
Miles Leontijovych: You are not a clown, you are the entire circus.
(Benjamin pauses the music and starts to sit impatiently)
Milan Balkanski: Can we at least try to act like we are world class athletes and not rural simpletons?
Arle Myroslavivna: I'm not going to abide by that, Balkan-skip.
Mečislavs Deben: Wow, what an un-mannered girl.
Ringo Vītoliņš: That's Arle for you.
Arle Myroslavivna: Exactly Ringo, you know how much I hate all that 'manners' stuff!
Xavier Boichev: Benjamin, quickly, play the stereo before Arle and the King get into a fight.
(Benjamin eagerly asks The Stig to press play from the beginning)
Dimentinov Alksnis: Wait a minute, I know this one! I've seen people talk about death while involving this.
(Astronomia finally sets into it's main part. Most on Hertfordia's team starts breaking into various dances to the catchy tune)
(Try to imagine this, but in an Olympic stadium)
Kokichi Pencis: I bet that while we're all dancing, some creature will come and steal our medals.
Bryce Iliev: Do you ever stop lying, Kokichi?
Kokichi Pencis: Maybe my answer will be a lie.
Bryce Iliev: If you carry on, then you might as well prepare to meet the freezing darkness.
Clarkov Clarkson: Never has there been a better time to utter those words.
(The power goes out, Astronomia is quickly paused by The Stig)
The Stig: ........................
Benjamin Semenovych: What's going on? Are you trying to trick us, Kokichi?
Kokichi Pencis: I'm just as confused as you are!
Richard Hammond: Well, whatever it is, I don't like it.
(REPEATED BANGS! Followed by a cloud of smoke and strained visibility.)
Phil Yevhenovych: Are these smoke grenades?!?!
Miles Leontijovych: Yes, I believe they are.
Klug Zeidmanis: Don't ask me, I cannot see anything right now.
(The sound of clanging metal can be heard)
Mečislavs Deben: What was that sound?! Reveal yourself fiend, the King demands it!
Xavier Boichev: Please keep yourself together, your Majesty, the smoke is clearing! Uuuuuuh, hang on just a second, is that who I think it is???
Arle Myroslavivna: Hey, let me have a closer lo.......
(Before Arle could finish her sentence, more smoke filled the air and completely shrouded the view)
The Stig: .................
Richard Hammond: I'm holding this shovel. Leave, or it's gonna go very black all of a sudden!
(Some time passes before the smoke fully retreats from the stadium. Disoriented, but unharmed, the team looks down to realize something is missing)
Richard Hammond: Who has taken the medals?! Where are they?
Charles Broxbourne: I can't find them anywhere. Has anyone seen them?
Xavier Boichev: Actually, I did catch a glimpse of what went on...
Bryce Iliev: Don't stall then, tell us everything that you witnessed, no detail left out!
Xavier Boichev: Alright. When the initial smoke cloud was clearing, I saw a faint siilhouette of a man in an odd high-tech suit grabbing items and stuffing them into a bag. I couldn't see anymore past that.
Mečislavs Deben: Thank you for your vital input. Now, where do we begin to dissect this?
???: We can start to help, perhaps...
Clarkov Clarkson: Huh? It's Mina! What are you doing here?
Mina Alexandrov: I was watching from the stands.
Takumi Mihailov: But how in the name of all that's drift-worthy did you pick us out??
Mina Alexandrov: A scientist always comes prepared.
(Mina proceeds to turn on headtorch, almost blinding a couple of athletes.)
Draco Myronovych: MY EYES!!!
James May: It gets better!
Richard Hammond: No, I think you mean worse.
James May: ..........Shut up, Hammond.
Miles Leontijovych: May I have your attention? Important evidence has been discovered on the grass below.
(The Stig picks up a card. It has a purple colour scheme with a black crown. The crown has a cookie in the middle)
Miles Leontijovych: With permission, I can use this as evidence when prosecuting the criminal scum that committed this act.
Matt Miķelsons: Clarkov, are you, erm, okay? You don't look too good...
Clarkov Clarkson: Well played............ CGZ............ (*whispering tone*)
Matt Miķelsons: Hmm?
Clarkov Clarkson: I hereby announce an early end to our medal presentation ceremony. A certain thief has made off with our medals. We shall reconvene at the 5 star Akti Palace hotel, which we named, to discuss the situation further! But first, who wants a celebratory dinner?
Almost Everyone: Yeah!!
The Stig: .........................
And so the Hertfordian delegation, confused but still in high spirits, departed for an all-you-can-eat buffet. They obviously treated the staff there in an exemplary way, we are the gentleman of the countryside after all, and 'twas such a night to remember with all the newfound partners and even friends along the way. Once the meal was over, they set off for an exploration of the town. The mystery surrounding the stolen medals currently remains unresolved...
-
At the medal awarding/closing ceremony, this is what happened in the Hertfordian camp...
Clarkov Clarkson: Right, here is the deal. See those steps there? The highest step is for gold medal winners, the middle step is for silver medal winners and bronze medal winners are to go on the bottom step.
Mečislavs Deben: Will we be able to fit everyone on? We have 6 entire teams worth of people here aswell.
Clarkov Clarkson: Of course we will! Look at how wide that is!
Charles Broxbourne: Hey, your Majesty, I just wanted to thank you for allowing me to come after our incident back at home.
Mečislavs Deben: No sweat, ol' chap. And please, address me as Mečislavs.
Charles Broxbourne: *Gives a light smile, then clinks wine glasses with his gentlemanly counterpart*
Richard Hammond: Has anyone seen Clarkson and May? Oh no wait, we haven't, because they haven't won medals! Hahah!
Jeremy Clarkson: We can hear you, Hammond you blithering idiot!
Richard Hammond: Did you notice I have a gold medal? Something you two do not have.
James May: Well, don't gloat!
Klug Zeidmanis: You're one to talk!
Phil Yevhenovych: Yeah, I've seen you and your victory dance. I can show you how it is really done if you like.
Richard Hammond: NO! Nothing to do with Genesis!
Ringo Vītoliņš: Uh guys, why is there a car here?
Takumi Mihailov: Do you like my car?
Richard Hammond: Yes, it is very nice.
Rodrigo Brunkevičs: No, I prefer boats, for the many bodies of water in Hertfordia.
Mario Volodymyrovych: Nobody cares what you think, Duterte.
Will Nankov: How did a car get in the stadium anyway? I suspect suspicious activity...
Clarkov Clarkson: Will, don't go interrogating people again, I do not want an incident like with that war criminal.
Schezo Avramov: Away from this whole nonsense. Now shall we get onto those steps?
Sonic Dinev: No wait! I want to do a few laps of the circuit first.
Vojislav Petrovskis: Oh my God, not now!
Sonic Dinev: Ugh, fine.
Draco Myronovych: You could at least be more concerned about your presentation, Sonic. You look like something found in a pyramid.
Axel Teicāns: This is the Olympics Draco, not a beauty contest. Get your priorities straight.
Draco Myronovych: I'm just saying.
Matt Miķelsons: Is that another car I see in the background?
Charles Broxbourne: Another one?!
Clarkov Clarkson: This I have to see.
(The medal winners move at various paces to the car in the background. Benjamin Semenovych steps out the driver's door)
There will be more than one part, due to printing limitations.
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Hertfordia, The New Shock Global Sporting Power? | Häřtferdie, Đi Njü Sak Ģleubl Şpočitin Paue?
Some in the nation claim we are now a certified SUPERPOWER of sport! Who'd have thought it? Probably a bit of a stretch though, sadly. We will waste no more time. We should not. We are at the end of an era. Here are the team sport rankings.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Fuentana 60-76 Hertfordia
Hertfordia finished 1st in the Basketball.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Hertfordia 2-3 Novasamita
Hertfordia finished 2nd in the Volleyball.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Nieubasria 11-8 Hertfordia
Hertfordia finished 2nd in the Water Polo.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Fuentana 2-6 Hertfordia
Hertfordia finished 3rd in the Baseball.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The end of the road. We shall post two more news articles, and then we will join the Double-Headed Hawk on the way back to Hertfordia. See you all then.
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Review - Day 9 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 9 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
This is the review of the final day of the Olympics. We really do not have much to say, as we wish to let the medal count and athlete ranking list speak for itself. So we shall.
Geuld: 2 Šilve: 4 Branz: 1
Part of us wished we had won more golds, but this tally is still enougy to see the Double-Headed Hawk finish 2nd in the main medal table, defeating Novasamita and Saint Mark, but finishing behind Nieubasria. In the total medal table, Hertfordia finished with a whopping 28 medals! This is only 1 behind Nieubasria and 2 behind total medal winners Tara & Cambray. It is perhaps natural that the land of the Sasquatch is top of this version of the table, seeing as they indeed are the hosts. Since we do not want to keep y'all waiting, we shall now present the final individual ranking.
This is where hard work, devotion to your country and self-confidence can get you
Rodrigo D. Brunkevičs - Finished 1st in the Tennis Singles. A man who you either love to hate, or hate to love. He, along with Charles, singlehandedly screwed over the Markian tourism board.
------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Broxbourne - Finished 2nd in the Tennis Singles. The former king, he now plys trade as the official opposition in Great Parndon, a place which never seems to stick with one guy.
------------------------------------------------------------
Kokichi Pencis/Draco Myronovych/Milan Balkanski/Vojislav Petrovskis - Finished 2nd in the Gymnastics Team All-Around. I have explained at least 3 of them and i am certainly not going to attempt to explain Kokichi, for fear of another hellish comment section.
------------------------------------------------------------
Vladimir P. Vecumnieks - Finished 8th in the 10m Air Rifle Final.
------------------------------------------------------------
Shawn Menavski - Finished 15th in the 10m Air Rifle.
------------------------------------------------------------
And Now, The News...
Not much here either, just that the hippy health guru was actually the war criminal Radovan Artemovych in disguise and he had been trying to sabotage the team members from Hertmeran or Debenian descent, tracing back to his time as leader of the Debenian Herts, an ethnic minority with mixed Debenian and Hertfordian heritage. He had wishes at first of protecting his ethnic group from a nationalistic Jammbian assault, but soon turned to more ambitious goals of turning the Federation of Greater Hertfordia into a full blown Hertfordian Empire, just like back in the glory days of the former superpower. Radovan was even willing to slaughter innocents to achieve these goals. Mind you, when he was finally on the back foot, the Jammbians wasted no time in completely burning down all Hertfordian villages to make sure they never returned, even if they had been living there for centuries.
That is actually why different parts of the nation can seem entirely different from eachother, as if they were completely seperate nations. To a Confederation like ours, this is just normal life.
We also noticed that poor Hedwig Blackcross has upset the Markian tourism board by winning a bronze, and is apparently now being villified. Well, we would just like to say if you want someone to blame, Mr. Gryphor, blame Hertfordia. We ruined your advertising slogan. Right now, an evil smile is spreading across our collective faces. We love the feeling of ruining things for other people.
----------------------------------------------------------
Some say that he knows two facts about Reçueçn and both of them are wrong, and that his first name really is 'The'. All we know is, we aren't The Stig, but we are The Stig's least favourite newspaper! Goodnight!
- Zoran and Saint Mark
-
2
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Tuesday 16th June 1420 - Preview of Day 9 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 9 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
SpoilerLet's face it, we all saw this one coming. The culprit of the attacks on our athletes and all the other suspicious events has been revealed. They were even linked in a weird way to the vandalising of our news lorry. This is the true identity of the hippy doctor, and literally no one is surprised.
Hello and yes, this will be the final day of the Olympics! Fittingly, this is the most late preview we have ever done. We totally did this on purpose! Anyway, there are only a few events on today, but there are plenty of team events, as everything starts to come to an end. Hertfordia can still win up to 9 medals, and to hell if we aren't going to try! So behold, the final day's schedule!
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 10m Air Rifle Shawn Menavski, Vladimir P. Vecumnieks Gymnastics Team All-Around Finals (?) Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis Tennis Singles Finals Charles Broxbourne, Rodrigo D. Brunkevičs Baseball Finals Hertfordia Baseball Basketball Finals Hertfordia Basketball Volleyball Finals Hertfordia Volleyball Federation Water Polo Finals Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team Every event is a final today, and Hertfordia will appear in most of them. As well as all-round powerhouse Menavski and Vecumnieks, literally the coolest middle-aged man..... in the world, we also potentially have the chance to win another medal in Gymnastics. The team version to be precise. As for the teams, well they will take centre stage. We have already won medals in two team sports, now we will have the chance to win gold in 3 more, as well as bronze in another. The Border Guards and The Police are up against Fuentana, in the Third Place Match and the Final respectively. The Blades will face Novasamita while Royal Navy shall do war with Nieubasria, the third time we have faced such an opponent in an Olympic final. There is so much to cover, we honestly cannot wait to bring you all the results!
Some say that MP's turned them down for the job of Speaker, and that their editor recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel... for his moat. All we know is, they are us. We bid thee farewell. (No really, our editor actually done that.)
Goodnight! Oh, and also, Slava Àenglie! Ģločiri Teđi Hîereus!
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Wait, Six Team Sports? Huh, It Has Been A While Since That Happened. | Weit, Siks Tīm Spočits? Ha, It Hez Bīn E Wail Sins Đat Hăpend.
Hello, we have six team sports to review, so at last we can finally have a good ol' proper review, writing a newspaper article down by the rolling green hills of the countryside. Almost everything related to team sports went brilliantly. In Handball, the team won gold by defeating Nieubasria, but we lost to the same opponent in Lacrosse, by just one point in overtime. Surely that was the closest lacrosse match that the sporting fans of the nation have ever seen. During the baseball, a whitewash defeat to Giovanniland, one which no citizen saw coming, has booked us a third place match with Fuentana. Speaking of Fuentana, they are also our next and final opponents in the Basketball, only this time in the Final, as Hertfordia defeated Novasamita by a measly 2 points, while Fuentana had a 4 point squeeze past Nieubasria. Of course we are out of Football and Rugby Sevens, but we can say that it is our presumptions that Fujai have made the Finals for both, and will take on Giovanniland and the dark horses Zoran, who completely ran the Giovannilandians into the ground with dirt shoved in their gaping mouths, respectively. Back to Hertfordian teams. In Volleyball, Hertfordia will be up against Novasamita after dispatching of Giovanniland. At first, it was almost completely one-sided to the favour of the Blades, but when Giovanniland started fighting back, Hertfordia got serious and after two more close sets, Hertfordia emerged triumphant. Finally, in Water Polo, Hertfordia are in the Final, this time beating back a semi-resiliant Teralyon. As a result, Royal Navy will now set their sets on a victory over Nieubasria. In fact, all our remaining teams will seek victory over the enemy, make no mistake.
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Hertfordia 38-23 Nieubasria
Hertfordia finished 1st in the Handball.
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Hertfordia (10) 9-9 (11) Nieubasria
Hertfordia finished 2nd in the Lacrosse.
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Hertfordia 3-1 Giovanniland
Hertfordia have qualified for the Finals of the Volleyball.
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Teralyon 5-8 Hertfordia
Hertfordia have qualified for the Finals of the Water Polo.
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Hertfordia 74-72 Novasamita
Hertfordia have qualified for the Final of the Basketball.
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Hertfordia 0-5 Giovanniland
Hertfordia have qualified for the Third Place Match in the Baseball.
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The day has come, the end of the road. But trust your abilities and fear not the enemy, for the hour of the Anglians will arrive once more!
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Review - Day 8 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 8 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
The penultimate day of these Olympics went a bit better compared to yesterday, with the Hertfordia Olympic team winning a total of 2 medals, both of them in the team sports. We noticed an error within the results of Park Skateboarding as the wrong Hertfordian athlete was placed there. For unknown reasons, Gitanas Valters name was replaced with Martin Varbanov, who had already been placed in the 10m Air Pistol anyway. So, the Day 8 medals.
Geuld:1 Šilve: 1
So yeah, it did go a bit better. Hertfordia now has 6 golds, 7 silvers and 8 bronzes, leaving the nation in 5th overall in the main table, while we believe we are third in the total medal table. There is only one day left, so we need to put in the best performances of all, in order to end on a high. The ambitions of the Hertfordia Confederal Olympic Committee are to, of course, finish 1st overall, and if that is not feasible, then at least finish overall in the top three. We want this to be a sports event to go down in history, and just like with the TWPRWC, we aim to win, and win as much as possible. The Hawks will not go down without a fight!
Here are the rankings for the individuals. Read them (or not).
Charles Broxbourne - Currently in the Quarter-Finals of the Tennis Singles.
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Rodrigo D. Brunkevičs - Currently in the Quarter-Finals of the Tennis Singles.
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Nicholas (Monokuma) Romanov - Finished 5th in the 200m Butterfly Swim Final.
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Edward Kostyantynovych - Finished 6th in the 200m Butterfly Swim Final.
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Edvard Mucenieks - Finished 5th in the 10m Air Pistol Final.
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Aran Sīlis - Finished 24th in the 100m Run.
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Whisker Nikolov - Finished 12th in the Track Cycling Sprint.
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Martin Varbanov - Finished 13th in the 10m Air Pistol.
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Nathan Eduardovych - Finished 32nd in the 100m Run.
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Gitanas Valters - Finished 17th in the Park Skateboarding.
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And Now, The News...
There really isn't much. All we know is that the injured party have recovered suprisingly quickly. Obviously the culprit of the sudden attack must be utter garbage at their job. Police now believe they know exactly who has been causing all the events recently, and to be honest we think everyone else is clocking on aswell. However, we are unable to yet confirm their suspicions because the guilty party has yet to be apprehended, and as the investigation info is highly confidential, we daren't reveal it in case the Plod barge through the front door. That is all. We are going to do 'some say' endings from when they begun until the very end, as we do find them enjoyable to write.
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Some say that he voted for Tony the Tiger in the Markian General Election, and that he refuses to acknowledge the existence of Fujai. All we know is, we aren't The Stig, but we are The Stig's least favourite newspaper! Goodnight!
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Monday 15th June 1420 - Preview of Day 8 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 8 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
Again, the Saint-Josalyn healthcare staff would not let us in. Well, we couldn't use the same hospital picture that we used in the last preview, so here is the entrance to the Princess Alexandra Hospital in Harlow. Multiple athletes, all suspiciously of Debenian or Hertmeran descent have been found injured in some form or another. (We never bothered translating it to the national languages)
We can tell we are nearing the end of the Olympics, for now Day 8 has arrived! The athletes have been training long and hard over the weeks to prepare themselves, and they have been instilled with a mentality that just screams 'winning is the most important thing, but that doesn't mean fun should be neglected'. Essentially, Hertfordia believes that even when chasing victory at all costs, sports should always be fun to play and fun to watch. Of course, above is the unfortunate news that multiple athletes have been injured. Most of them are medal winners, for some reason. The injured athletes are: The Stig, Phil Yevhenovych, Richard Hammond, Colin Hedanijovych and Benjamin Semenovych. The Stig in particular is very hard for doctors to work with. Not only does he seem to walk away from explosions completely unharmed, but he also never speaks. Ever. So don't even try. Anyway, here comes the schedule.
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 200m Butterfly Swim Monokuma Romanov, Edward Kostyantynovych 100m Run Aran Sīlis, Nathan Eduardovych Cycling Track Sprint Whisker Nikolov 10m Air Pistol Edvard Mucenieks, Martin Varbanov Park Skateboarding Gitanas Valters Gymnastics Team All-Around Stage 1 Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis Tennis Singles Stage 1 Rodrigo Brunkevičs, Charles Broxbourne Handball Finals Hertfordia Handball Federation Lacrosse Finals Hertfordia Lacrosse Semifinals Baseball, Basketball, Volleyball, Water Polo Hertfordia Baseball, Hertfordia Basketball, Hertfordia Volleyball Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team We are not sure if we are actually in the Gymnastics Team All-Around, but since we believe that the HCOC entered the full number of athletes for Gymnastics, we are going with the benefit of the doubt and sticking it on the above schedule. We will be entering 12-13 events today. Today sees the finals for both Handball and Lacrosse, which will both be fought against Nieubasria. Baseball, Basketball and Water Polo resume and join Volleyball in holding the Semi-Finals. In terms of notable faces (Yes, we are doing this again, even though we said we wouldn't anymore. Sorry.), there really aren't a whole lot, but one does not need to be recognisable in order to be successful. There is Charles Broxbourne, the former king who lost re-election for a second term to the current incumbent, Mečislavs Deben, and the Olympic team also has Monokuma Romanov, who people claim is a descendant of the old dynasties that ruled Hertfordia as a hereditary monarchy back in the Grand Duchy days. Of course, the Handball and Lacrosse teams will both be battling for gold and trying their damn hardest to achieve it. Yes we mentioned them more than once, we aren't going to change that.
Some say he thinks BDSM is a driving school, and that following the vote on gay marriage, he's gotten engaged to James May......'s lawnmower. All we know is, he's called The Stig. But we aren't. We are the Hertfordian Olympic Newspaper and we thank you very much for reading our completely free (other than initial purchase) news. Goodnight!
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(Try to imagine this, but in an Olympic stadium)
1st World Cup of Football [rosters, roleplays, results]
in Roleplay - How the West Was Won
Posted
Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Matchday 2 Review
Hertfordshire and Jammbo 2-3 Orangutan Rangers (HT: HAJ 1-0 ARI)
Goals:
Satoshi Melderis (29'), 
Eiki Sproģe (53')
Red Cards:
Ike Gribusts (71')
Injuries:
Satori Kornijchuk (21')
Pre-Match Review
Hello there, you are reading this news leaflet sent out by the HAJFF for the second matchday of the World Cup of Football here in United Adaikes. This report will cover our 3-2 defeat against Arifiyyah, who proved to be able to match their ambition off the pitch with talent on it. Initially we had a tight grip on the game taking the lead into half time and doubling said lead early in the second half. Shortly after that though Arifiyyah picked up traction by bringing the score to 2-1, and when Ike Gribusts was sent off for injuring their captain, a debutant 19 year old brought culmination onto a long and sweet first match, scoring twice to give his Orangutan Rangers the win over us lot. Shortly before the match we found out from various staff members that defensive midfielder Satori Kornijchuk could actually read minds as long as they were in her vicinity. We are not sure if this should be called a blessing or a curse although we believe in neither. That would really help in Satori's part time hobby as a detective, no scratch that, it definitely helps. She also helped to figure out Clarkson's injury mystery and how May was in fact not involved with this talent. So, with accidental Wingdings written on one of the doors in the Pirates Arena and yet more displays by the two resident prodigies Mina & Lisa, it was time to commence the match.
When she isn't being disliked by pretty much everyone, Satori makes a fine detective. A cheating detective, mind you.
First Half Review
Lengthy display done with, we started the match and quickly done what we did against Italia, assume near complete control. This time however our opponents were ready and barricaded themselves to hold off the HAJFF offense, which was quite frankly necessary as we were starting to establish ourselves as having one of the best attacks in the tournament. We were also starting to establish ourselves as having one of the worst defences as well though, so there was no room to be slouching at the back either. There was no room to be slouching full stop. It was not long into the match that disaster struck in the defensive midfield position, with Satori Kornijchuk being subject to a clearly purposeful injury that somehow went unpunished. Naturally our fans were screaming bloody murder and while that may be harsh we can see where they come from. Seriously, the Arifiyyah player who committed that foul should have been sent off. Satori's injury means that we have now got 3 injured players with 2 of them being DMs. Jeremy Clarkson should be back for matchday 4 against Irador just to let you all know. With the literal mind reader coming off, Satoshi Melderis was brought on. He immediately made an impact, pushing forward as if he were a wing back allowing the midfielders to overlap with him and brick up the defensive lines, adding an extra sense of security to the Paradigm Compass. 8 minutes after coming on, Satoshi found the back of the net as his adventurous methods paid off and we had taken the lead. He knew he had to be careful from then on though, as an injury to him would result in having to play one of the staff members, something which would probably baffle everyone in attendance of this World Cup. The rest of the first half returned to how the game started, with the HAJFF in near total control. But Arifiyyah were slowly edging themselves into it, they could sense that eventually the sturdy and creative 3-1-3-1-2 was going to falter at some point. We planned to make sure that didn't happen. Half time soon arrived after a few minutes of added time, with the Paradigm Compass holding a 1-0 lead over the ambitious yet so far fruitless opposition.
Second Half Review
Now it was time for Arifiyyah to begin the second half, and begin it they did. Strongly too as they were now breathing down the neck of our goalkeeper Hart Vecunmieks who managed to keep their shots out with moderate effort. It could not go on like this or they would equalise sooner rather than later. With that in mind, central defender Konngara Adamov quickly gave the fans of both sides a peek into their Astral Knight title and fittingly reclaimed possession for the HAJFF. This sparked off a near flawless attack of our own which culminated in a wonderful goal by Eiki Sproģe, Yamaxanadu. Yeah you heard that right, one of our strikers is something known as a Yama, a Judge. She is one of the highest authorities in the infamous Ministry of Right & Wrong that serves underneath the Ministry of Justice. The Ministry of Right & Wrong is well known for pretty much never putting a foot wrong when it comes to handing out verdicts to the guilty or innocent. Now with a 2 goal advantage, the team could maybe focus a bit more on parking the bus. Big mistake, as Arifiyyah quickly found traction and scored what would hopefully be a consolation point. The middle of the second half turned into a topsy-turvy mess with the Paradigm Compass aiming to restore their two goal advantage and the Orangutan Rangers persevering to bring the scoreline level. It was entering the latter stages of the match when Ike Gribusts got himself foolishly sent off for causing injury to the Arifiyyah captain Safiq Ahmad. It wasn't the best idea to have a mercenary in an attacking position in hindsight. His power and bulk is better suited for defence, maybe he and Konngara could do a switcheroo. What Ike hoped to gain from that is foreign to us but if it were the demoralisation of Arifiyyah then it was safe to say that he failed in his objective. Add on the truth that we were now down to 10 players and Arifiyyah clocked on to the situation. The situation that meant they could realistically turn things around. And so it was in the 88th minute of the match a 19 year old debutant called Muhammad Nazhim booted the ball into the goal and made the score an even 2-2. Then it got even worse, as the same person then scored his second at the 3rd minute of injury time in what was virtually the last shot of the match. Talk about last minute collapse. After we resumed the match, the referee blew his whistle for the signature 3 times to notify us all in the Pirates Arena that the match was over, with the HAJFF falling victim to a superb second half effort from Arifiyyah. They put on a fine display, as did our own team. They both made the tournament and fans proud with such an exciting match.
Post-Match Review
Well, that was a fine doozy of a game. We have now been involved in 2 captivating matches that ended with a 3-2 scoreline, with 1 win and 1 loss. Surely we can be considered as the most exciting team to watch on the pitch after those, if not us then the utter lunacy that goes on at the collection of giants plus hopeful results providers Santos-Dominius in Group D with the Cambrian's overly yellow news web pages and that one rugby team with its addiction to drugs. Beware the mafia, they might be coming for the drugs, keep them away from it at all cost. Of course we can't provide a picture of the mafia planning this as that would likely end in our reporters being tied up and thrown into big black cars in the middle of the night. On the injury sustained by Satori, she has been inflicted with an AC joint sprain that will keep her out for 4 matches. Satoshi will replace her in the meantime. Meanwhile Ike Gribusts is suspended for 1 match due to receiving a red card, and therefore he shall lose his place on the pitch to Galeem Gaisma. The loss means that Hertfordshire and Jammbo drop to 3rd place in Group C having been leapfrogged by Arifiyyah who climb to 2nd and will take on undefeated group leaders Zoran up next.
Next Time...
As for us, we will attempt to get back to winning ways as we suit up in a shocking blend of dark purple, blue, pink & grey to link up with Reçueçn at what we can only presume is 2:00am Andolian Meridian Time. They are well known for being the world centre of sports organising and events alike, but is their bark worse than their bite? Tune in to the match later to find out!
We are now concluding this matchday 2 review and going back to the hotel where inevitably a lecture by a 12-13y/o scientific genius is waiting. Unfortunately much like prog rock it will last 4.8 hours and make no sense to anyone. So on that inconvenience it is time to end, thanks very much for watching, goodnight!
We all knew this would happen. Oh well, can't stop it now. If anyone in the HAJFF manages to grasp the concept of what Mina Maneva is going on about in her lecture, write to the editor at 'I'm Really Fun At Parties, Honest'.