Clarkov
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Monday 25th October 1421 - Häřtferdsierndeambeu Esferied Kęmiti - Review of the II Summer Esferiad opening ceremony
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello and welcome to a very haphazard broadcast of the II Summer Esferiad. Now we weren't meant to start reporting until this had been completed but well...
Richard Hammond: I'll handle this Jeremy. So basically for those of you who are watching James, or Captain Slow as we call him, decided to take charge of sorting out our character roster and he hasn't finished.
Jeremy Clarkson: No, not even close. So me and Richard have told him to go away and do it quicker.
Richard Hammond: I doubt he will though.
Jeremy Clarkson: I'd have to agree with you there.
Richard Hammond: What this means is we can't give you a full live report on the opening ceremony.
Jeremy Clarkson: What we can do however is reveal a few details as to Hertfordshire & Jammbo's presence at the ceremony.
The blazers that were worn by the HNJEK members at the opening ceremony. The ice blue one is the main blazer worn by the athletes, while the sea green one is a special blazer worn by Clarkson, Hammond, May & Kramer to distinguish them as reporters on the games.
Richard Hammond: If you look at the picture on the screen you can see the ice blue blazer that our athletes wear and the sea green blazer worn by us hosts here in the HNJEK news quarters.
Jeremy Clarkson: Now I'm told that these represent the predominantly taiga climate that Hertfordshire & Jammbo resides in, but I can't make out how that is.
Richard Hammond: That's because you're a Neanderthal.
Jeremy Clarkson: Whatever, shall we tune in to the ceremony now? That was rhetorical by the way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhSHXGM7kgE
The tune to which HNJEK athletes marched out at the opening ceremony.
Jeremy Clarkson: As you can see there are simply way too many athletes to do any individual focus on and by what I'm getting others seem to think that too.
Richard Hammond: Yes Jeremy, in fact I believe I have spotted a phone insult match between an archer of Blue Bubble and his nation-leading sister that mentions 'Jambo'. God, his spelling could do with an upgrade.
Jeremy Clarkson: I'm just confused as to how you got that footage with no one noticing especially when we're up here and they're all down there.
Richard Hammond: Local radio techniques, I know the whole lot. I just lurk around with my secret neck tie camera... that isn't a secret anymore, ah.
Jeremy Clarkson: So you've been spying on random strangers for news.
Richard Hammond: Well that's what you're meant to do!
Jeremy Clarkson: Hmm, I think that tells us a lot there.
Richard Hammond: I know more about broadcasting than you, I was on top of it.
Jeremy Clarkson: Okay audience you're all live on our special HNJEK tally chart now, so hands up if you think that Richard has been a paparazzi.
(The hands up column reaches a staggering 97% percent)
Jeremy Clarkson: So there we are viewers, Richard Hammond is a stalker.
Richard Hammond: What?! [confused exasperated tone]
Jeremy Clarkson: And on that note, we'll stop talking now so enjoy the rest of the broadcast without us bleating every second of it.
Richard Hammond: Yes, thanks for watching and goodbye. Now then, where's James?
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Artistic Swimming Hertfordshire and Jammbo Artistic Swimming Association 200m Freestyle Swimming Doppio Kostov, Josuke Honcharuk, Isaac Myroshnychenko Individual Archery Patrick Manev, Phoenix Rait Equestrian Individual Dressage Rantaro Antonenko, Klug Nankov One-Person Dinghy Sailing Diavolo Kucherenko, Franziska van Kirilova 10m Air Pistol Shooting Yukari Yaremenko, Ringo Romanyuk Individual Taekwondo Stage 1 Naho Sotirova, Vekar Griķis Water Polo Matchday 1 Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team Baseball Matchday 1 Hertfordia Baseball Beach Volleyball Matchday 1 Frisk Dachev + Robert Spïďwagen The schedule, at least it should be, for Day 1 of Summer Esferiad II.
As you'd expect, James still hadn't finished his important job. Hurry up man! In the meantime it's now time to hand over to the silent news department. Some say that they have no understanding of timing, and that their walls taste like pistachio ice cream. All we know is, they are the HNJEK.
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Sunday 24th October 1421 - Häřtferdsierndeambeu Esferied Kęmiti Preview of the II Summer Esferiad (Quoriv & Karventhin)
Jeremy Clarkson: Hello and welcome to what is the 2nd time you've seen the Häřtferdsierndeambeu Esferied Kęmiti do news because we aren't going to let some news station or the government do the reporting. Yes, we know we are the olympic committee themselves but our track record for reliable pro-H&J reporting (yes, they can go hand-in-hand) is like that of a 5 star hotel. So everything is fine on the accuracy end. Now where were we... oh yes. Let us begin from the top.
Richard Hammond: Yes we shall.
Jeremy Clarkson: Wha- Hammond!
Richard Hammond: Hello & welcome, we are Hertfordshire & Jammbo's Esferiad Committee, let us introduce ourselves. We are your hosts Clarkson, Hammond & May. Even though we are competing in the Esferiad too, we also do the reporting alongside our editor John Kramer.
John Kramer: We hope you appreciate the effort put into this and indeed the life you live, otherwise you might find yourself valuing your life just that much more.
Richard Hammond: John, we aren't putting people into your karmic death traps.
John Kramer: The sinners of society need to learn somehow.
A picture of the three hosts of coverage of Hertfordshire & Jammbo's efforts at Summer Esferiad II. John Kramer, the editor, is not pictured. He said he had to sort something out.
Richard Hammond: Anyway, you join us on Lavender Island, just off the north-east coast of our home continent Andolia so this is far closer to home than the first Esferiad which took place all the way up in St. Josalyn, Cambria. Lavender Island is home to the nations of Blue Bubble...
James May: It's called Glenpavia, Richard.
Richard Hammond: ...and Giovanniland.
Jeremy Clarkson: Regardless of their name, we have brought in 150 official entrants, though the real number thanks to team activities is higher than that.
James May: Quoriv in Giovanniland & Karventhin in Glenpavia are the two host cities in this joint effort by two Auran nations who have a long & storied history with each other. But I'm sure they can explain it all themselves.
Jeremy Clarkson: If you will recall at the first Summer Esferiad, we performed much better than anyone was expecting, ranking as the third best nation that time round.
Richard Hammond: That's right. The only two able to perform on a superior level to us and it was a narrow margin were Cambria & their national brothers Nieubasria, the Astor duo. I also seem to recall that I won gold in lightweight boxing back then.
James May: So you'll be attempting to defend your title?
Richard Hammond: Yep!
James May: And what if you fail?
Jeremy Clarkson: He'll die of shame and I'll die laughing.
Richard Hammond: Heheh, yeah.
Jeremy Clarkson: Well unfortunately we don't have time to show you the roster just yet, but we are working to provide the highest quality roster sheet we can muster.
James May: Which, considering it's us three, isn't really the highest standard.
Jeremy Clarkson: No you're right, I mean, in the eyes of somewhere like Saint Mark or another similarly high brow nation, our version of highest quality is their version of peasantry.
Richard Hammond: Everything is peasantry to them!
James May: Well, that's not strictly true but...
Jeremy Clarkson: Sorry James, we don't have enough time for one of your lectures so we'll end it there. Thank you so much for watching and, er, goodnight!
Richard Hammond: Er, Jeremy, where's John?
A small squeaking can be heard in the distance, just outside the HNJEK headquarters at the outside lavatory.
Billy: I want to play a game. [spoken in the distance]
Richard Hammond: Oh no.
James May: I'll go sort it out.
Richard Hammond: Has Kramer seriously gone and put opposition athletes, or even our own, into one of his traps?
Jeremy Clarkson: Maybe it's unrelated to him, although that would not surprise me given his twisted sense of justice.
Richard Hammond: I've just had a thought, what if Marcarius or one of his aides...
Jeremy Clarkson: Butlers & maids.
Richard Hammond: Yeah, butlers & maids.
James May: Rich poncey pillocks.
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh, you're back. Any luck?
John Kramer: Alright, I've de-activated Billy. I don't condone putting innocent people into my traps. That is akin to murder.
James May: Like that's going to reassure everyone.
Jeremy Clarkson: Back to the aristocrat, I very much doubt that would be possible, that man's going to have the highest level security imaginable. Now if I might make a suggestion... run!
Richard Hammond: Running away. Disclaimer, we weren't involved in whatever John was doing!
Well, that debacle happened. We hope to see you lot again soon for more insulting of other nations and general cocking about. In the meantime, let us send off in the usual fashion. Some say our athletes have been found as far north as Avaratra, and that we have a full size Esferiad logo on an Esferiad logo. All we know is, we are the HNJEK. Goodbye!
- Saint Mark, Giovanniland, iOctagon and 5 others
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8
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On 10/11/2021 at 1:09 AM, Clarkov said:
The Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire & Jammbo will hereby note Esferiad II of its desire to take part for the 2nd year running. A completed sign up form is pending.
Signed by Mečislavs Deben, Tsar of the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire & Jammbo and by Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani 'Clarkson', Prime Minister of the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire & Jammbo.
As of 00:42 AMT/01:42 OT, Hertfordshire & Jammbo has managed to complete its roster and has forwarded it to the appropriate Esferiad authorities.
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The Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire & Jammbo will hereby note Esferiad II of its desire to take part for the 2nd year running. A completed sign up form is pending.
Signed by Mečislavs Deben, Tsar of the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire & Jammbo and by Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani 'Clarkson', Prime Minister of the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire & Jammbo.
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T20 World Cup Matchday 8 - Review - Victory
166/7 (20 overs)
137/7 (20 overs)
Hertfordia Heathens won against United Adaikes Steelbats by 29 runs
Batting Name + Method of Dismissal Runs Bats Fours Sixes Faust Ḩarełeudeiem 39 24 2 3 Run out Lisa Lazarenko 70 39 15 1 Bowled Diego Adamov 27 24 1 1 Run out Naho Sotirova 3 6 0 0 Bowled
Đe Kaiser 16 12 0 1 Run out Rago Niedra 6 4 0 1 Caught Dynamis Dudka 2 6 0 0 Caught Richard Hammond 3 4 0 0 Not out Scorers of Wickets:
Reimu Hadjieva (5), Ryosuke Tīrelis (2)
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem - How fitting that on the final match, the captain is the one that batted first. He actually done rather well too. Once this is said and done he's likely to try and inquire more about the world and how it works, given that he was used as a test subject by Ziggurat during the Spiral Force Crisis.
Lisa Lazarenko - Leaving your best performance to the most important match is a genius move. No wonder it was Lisa that pulled just that move then. Mind you, another theory is that Faust orchestrated the entire thing in order to ensure victory. Whichever theory is correct, both Lisa and Faust had masterstrokes in this all-important game.
Diego Adamov - Diego is here again and this time he actually done something worthwhile. 27 runs until he finally became dismissed and had to leave the field, which he was okay with. He is a coffee addict after all with a cool tone and sharp tongue. Seriously though, how has he had no health complications?
Naho Sotirova - Perhaps for the first time in the T20 World Cup, Naho proved to be utterly useless in the match. It is hard to pinpoint what went wrong for her, but maybe she felt a bit too confident about HNDK's chances. If that attitude had been shared by the rest of the team, then the Steelbats would have claimed the trophy. She seemed preoccupied with searching for someone. To us and to you watching, the 'someone' should be obvious.
Đe Kaiser - Not content with remaking his legend on the sporting stage, Kaiser decided that he had to get at least a small amount of bats in the final in order to put the cherry in top of his revival cake. 'The Emperor's' legacy is rebuilding itself on the back of T20, which must delight him a fair bit. A fighting machine has found it's second wind.
Rago Niedra - Why are we not surprised? Of course Rago, the Child of the Black Sun, is on the scoresheet. We no longer have anything meaningful to say about this man, quite frankly all we want to do is avoid him. No one wants a man that worships some kind of destroyer god bent on wiping out literally everything in existence anywhere near them, goodness knows how the rest of HNDK coped with it.
Dynamis Dudka - Rub it in, why don't you?! Dynamis chipped in with a measly 2 but we got the underlying feeling that he was doing that emphasise that he was about to be right about the HNDK T20 World Cup victory being the will of the heavens. This does nothing for our credibility, we kind of swept it aside as nonsensical drivel. But now this claim has been proven entirely correct. Does that mean that the heavens really do have a will? Add that to the list of rhetorical questions.
Richard Hammond - The Hamster has the honour of being the final player for HNDK to not be dismissed by the opposition. Nothing else needs to be said, for he now has a great tool with which to brag to Clarkson and May.
Huh. That happened. No proper math summary here, why would there be? Hertfordshire and Jammbo can now add the T20 World Cup title to their ever growing list of sporting achievements. So instead, we shall fill you all in on the team awards. Keep in mind that these are team awards and not tournament awards. The President of Cricket Larxia handed the Best Bowler and Best Batter awards to two of his own teams players, while the Player of the Tournament award went to a member of the United Adaikes team. You know, the team that lost to our lot. Safe to say that coach Maxie Mazurenko and assistant coach Eirin Yaneva were utterly livid that none of their players had won an award, while Tsar Mečislavs I and Prime Minister Clarkov protested the lack of a Best Coach award, which they feel should have gone to the HNDK's own. The Magma Leader and the Hourai Pharmacist promised to introduce HNDK's own awards system so their players weren't left out of the glory. Even though they had won the tournament, the pair felt that it was the least they could do as a reward for the phenomenal efforts put in by all of the Heathens/Snowstorm/Shrine Maidens crew.
Note: Ties are broken by how spread out the scoring in the category is. The more spread out it is, the better.
Grand Duke's Award for Best Individual Score Derek Sokolov
102 runs (vs. Blue Bubble)
Patchouli Knalide
119 runs (vs. Zoran)
Lisa Lazarenko
70 runs (vs. United Adaikes)
St. Severjans Award for Most Fours Patchouli Knalide
17 Fours
Lisa Lazarenko
21 Fours
Rago Niedra
16 Fours
Deben Bridge Award for Most Sixes Patchouli Knalide
8 Sixes
Derek Sokolov
8 Sixes
Rago Niedra
7 Sixes
Blackheath Award for Best Bowler Patrick Manev
6 Wickets
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem
11 Wickets
Derek Sokolov
6 Wickets
Golden Rose Award for Best Batter Patchouli Knalide
170 runs, 1.604 runs/bat
Derek Sokolov
148 runs, 1.805 runs/bat
Rago Niedra
168 runs, 1.600 runs/bat
Tsar's Award for Player of the Tournament Faust Ḩarełeudeiem
Co-efficient: 5.6
Patchouli Knalide
Co-efficient: 4.6
Lisa Lazarenko
Co-efficient: 6.4
Award Count
Patchouli Knalide: 1st = 2 | 2nd = 3 | 3rd = 0
Derek Sokolov: 1st = 2 | 2nd = 1 | 3rd = 1
Lisa Lazarenko: 1st = 1 | 2nd = 0 | 3rd = 2
Rago Niedra: 1st = 0 | 2nd = 0 | 3rd = 3
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: 1st = 1 | 2nd = 1 | 3rd = 0
Patrick Manev: 1st = 0 | 2nd = 1 | 3rd = 0
With that all out of the way, let us present our final set of insults to the teams of the tournament, as this grand T20 World Cup finally comes to a close. Here goes noth...
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T20 World Cup Matchday 7 - Review - Victory
99 (16.4 overs)
103/7 (11.1 overs)
Hertfordia Snowstorm won against The Bounty Hunters by 3 wickets
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes
Patchouli Knalide 5 7 0 0 Run out Ryosuke Tīrelis 2 4 0 0 Run out Derek Sokolov 24 13 4 1 Caught Lisa Lazarenko 35 17 5 2 LBW (Leg Before Wicket)
Reimu Hadjieva 30 15 4 2 Run out Patrick Manev 2 6 0 0 LBW (Leg Before Wicket) Rago Niedra 1 4 0 0 Caught Richard Hammond 4 1 1 0 Not out Scorers of Wickets:
Naho Sotirova (2), Robert Cherganski (2), Dynamis Dudka (4), Kyosuke Miķelsons (1), Yomiel Stasyuk (1)
Patchouli Knalide - Okay, we would just like to point out how we are running out of ways to express our collective surprise at Patchouli becoming a regular on the HNDK scoresheet. Honestly, how can someone with asthma, anaemia & vitamin A deficiency out-do the majority of her for the most part completely healthy teammates? Even with this terribly low score she still never ceases to surprise.
Ryosuke Tīrelis - If this pitifully low score of 2 says anything, it is that this match was not an individual affair. For even this score was key to helping HNDK to victory over fellow Andolian nation Fhaengshia. If cricket teams allowed for Ryosuke's SAVANNA RX-7 ∞ III (FC3S) to be driven on the pitch for him to use as a bat, he would have a higher run score in this game. But that is among the highest echelons of ridiculousness.
Derek Sokolov - Someone remind us why the surgeon, a man working in a job that heals other people, is one of the better performers in a sport where the goal is for lack of a better term to harm the opposition. If Patchy isn't the surprise then Derek is. He says there is no such thing as an untreatable wound, or an incurable disease. Well, if he has taught us one thing, it's that there is no such thing as normalcy on this or any Hertfordshire and Jammbo sports team.
Lisa Lazarenko - The highest scorer in this match for HNDK already proved some time ago that being good at cricket isn't just down to raw strength or skill. Sometimes it merely requires an abnormally high level of intelligence (as Eirin and others can attest to) in order to truly stand out. It all makes perfect sense. Well, almost all of it. The one part that doesn't make sense is that she was dismissed through LBW even though Lisa is to Richard Hammond what Richard Hammond is to Jeremy Clarkson. In other words, she is small.
Reimu Hadjieva - The shrine maiden is back again, and this time she actually has managed to collect some donations. It is such a rare occurrence that she felt extra motivated to do well and so she did, being the second highest scorer for HNDK in this match. Because she spent so long in the shrine her legs were a bit more tired than usual and thus it came as no surprise to find that she became dismissed after being run out. Oh well, she could count the donations while off the pitch. Reimu did just that.
Patrick Manev - At this point the scores are back to being pitiful, but that hardly matters. Derek was on the frontlines when Patrick tried to unleash a man-made group of viruses into the country as a means to find a way to awaken his comatose wife. That is just desperate, no wonder he took mental health sessions afterwards. The comatose one has shown signs of waking up soon, which will please the Hand of Asclepius to no end. Don't worry, he's not a madman anymore, but this news could explain the awful score of 2.
Rago Niedra - Predictable. It seems we can't ever go a single match (we can) without having to mention Rago. This time, it is for the wrong reasons as he scored a solitary run before being caught out. Great job there mate.
Richard Hammond - Glory stealer. He comes on when the scores are all tied at 99 runs each on the second innings. He then scores the four that wins HNDK the match and books the place in the T20 World Cup Final. Commence Hammond being a sore winner, much to the dismay and/or humour of most of his teammates.
Ah bliss, the sweet sight of the King's Circle Stadium. Oh sorry, we daydreamed a bit there. If you hadn't already deduced, this report is being filmed in our news lorry on the way to the stadium in Larxian capital New Larxia where the final of the T20 World Cup will be held. Hertfordshire and Jammbo's representative team, the Hertfordia Heathens/Snowstorm/Shrine Maidens, have successfully made their way to the grand finale of this tournament. They have won hard fought victories over some and utterly hammered others. They have set records along the way both individually and as a team. Truly, optimism among the fans of this nation could hardly be higher but in just a select few hours HNDK will face the most important match of it's time here in Larxia. The opponents for the final are the representatives for the Eastern Polaris nation United Adaikes, the United Adaikes Steelbats. On their journey to this match they have chocked up 5 wins and 2 losses in this pattern: LWWWWLW. On the other hand, our own HNDK has won 6 matches and lost 1 in the following pattern: LWWWWWW. Very similar records then, although HNDK are on a 6 match winning streak while UAS have won 5 of their last 6 matches, their defeat to Fhaengshia denting that slightly but not too badly. Fhaengshia of course are the team that HNDK defeated in the most recent match of theirs (you should know, you're watching/reading a report of it), so now we are starting to understand why fans of the Hertfordshire and Jammbo T20 World Cup effort are holding their optimism. Don't get cocky though, that won't help at all. Now let us say that this win was a team effort more than anything. No player was outstanding, but all of them put in a tandem performance to complete the surprisingly easy job of surpassing the Fhaengshia first innings score of 99. Yes, really, 99. HNDK got the RCA all out for 99 in 16.4 overs. No wonder it required just 11.1 overs to beat them though the high number of dismissals did give a small fright. Now then, onto the final matches. The third place match will be between Northern Andolian nation and purveyors of gibberish Fhaengshia's representatives who are called The Bounty Hunters, and Western Andolian nation and tournament host Larxia's representatives who simply go by Cricket Larxia. The final will be played as you know between Eastern Polaris nation and occasional fantasy animal inventors United Adaikes representatives United Adaikes Steelbats, and Eastern Andolian nation and literal middle of scenic nowhere Hertfordshire and Jammbo's representatives Hertfordia Heathens. One final note before we switch to the ritual of insults in results, HNDK decided to set the name change structure for themselves in reverse. This is so they can call themselves the Hertfordia Heathens in the final for this is the most popular chosen name among Hertfordian/Jammbian cricket fans. This is why they called themselves Hertfordia Snowstorm for this Semi-Final win over Fhaengshia. The T20 World Cup Final is imminent, may the goddess of victory smile upon our native land for the upcoming match.
Matchday 7 - Results
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Semi-Finals
No Gold Buried Under This X For You - 99 (16.4 overs)* [Qualified for T20 World Cup 3rd Place Match]
The Land Of No Return - 103/7 (11.1 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup Final]
Being The Host Never Means Automatic Victory - 131/2 (20 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup 3rd Place Match]
Name Idea Thieves (Hang On, Since When?) - 135/9 (17 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup Final]
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* = Fhaengshia never submitted an official logo for their cricket team.
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T20 World Cup Matchday 6 - Review - Victory
208/2 (20 overs)
130/7 (20 overs)
Hertfordia Shrine Maidens won against Zoran by 78 runs
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes Patchouli Knalide 119 75 10 6 Not out Isaac Myroshnychenko 31 15 3 3 Caught Robert Cherganski 40 17 1 5 LBW (Leg Before Wicket) Diego Adamov 4 5 1 0 Not out Naho Sotirova 14 8 2 1 Not out Scorers of Wickets:
Derek Sokolov (6), Faust Ḩarełeudeiem (1)
Patchouli Knalide - Everyone's favourite anaemic librarian. If anyone questions why a blatantly sick person was allowed into HNDK, then eat your words this instant because she's only gone and broken the record for most runs by a HNDK player this tournament. She might just have scored the most runs out of any player during a match in the T20 World Cup full stop. Earning a century is hard enough, let alone breaking at least 1 record. Hats off to the Unmoving Great Library!
Isaac Myroshnychenko - This is the midget of HNDK & considering that they have Hammond on the team this is saying something. Perhaps that is why after 15 bats he finally got dismissed, his smol legs simply couldn't take him the distance. Oh wait, he was caught out. This is slightly awkward for us in the editing room.
Robert Cherganski - This man seems rich, he is actually poor. He seems perfectly normal, he has a habit of twirling around which is abnormal. Never mind all that, he put in a very decent performance on the pitch. 40 runs is not bad at all, too bad Patchouli had to blow everyone out of the water in HNDK's clobbering of Zoran.
Diego Adamov - Meet the new performance, same as the old performance. Much like last time, this man came on right near the end, scored a few runs and then popped right off again to finish his favourite blend of coffee. He drinks 17 cups of coffee a day, you kno...
Fizzing and static followed by a long beep and a colourful screen.
Naho Sotirova - Professional and cold around almost everyone, the complete opposite when around mentor Karapetrov or closest colleague Orlov, despite appearances this person can turn it on when it counts. She made her mark, albeit a small one, in the match against Zoran. Every little counts.
Well this went well. Just when we thought it couldn't get any better, HNDK go along and do that to Zoran. With a whopping 208 runs, it was the most runs scored by any team in a single T20 World Cup match. Certainly it was helped by a certain ill librarian defying all expectations and putting on the game of her life by breaking the record for most runs by a single HNDK player in a T20 World Cup match. She might even have broken the record for most runs scored by any player in a single T20 World Cup match outright. If so, then welcome to the halls of cricket history surely. With this crushing win HNDK reaffirm their place as the top team in Super 8 Group 1. We did not need to perform like this at all, but even when complacency was fine we still told the concept to sod off. No matter what the match, HNDK will give 100% to the effort. If one loses because they weren't trying, that is unforgivable. Oh yeah and Derek utterly swept up shop in the wicket department so here's to hoping that he has broken the record for wickets by a single player in any T20 World Cup match. That really would add to the brilliance of this match. Enough about us, what about the other lot in this competition? Well, Larxia defeated Saint Mark somewhat comfortably to ensure that Aura was screwed over with both of it's remaining nations eliminated and sending the 2 Andolian nations there through. In Group 2, both Astorian nations were booted out. Even with Cambria's victory over Nieubasria, their Net Run Rate was too crummy to make a difference, courtesy of their defeat-on-the-back-of-tragedy against United Adaikes, who won their group even though they lost to Fhaengshia. This creates a case in which all 3 Andolian teams are in the Semi-Finals, with the last hopes of Polaris riding on United Adaikes and Aura's hopes having been extinguished completely by the despair of elimination. Results upcoming, more ideas for mockery abound.
Matchday 6 - Results
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Super 8 - Group 1
We're Record Breakers, Take That World! - 208/2 (20 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup Semi-Finals]
We'll Ask Again, Who Won The Civil War?! - 130/7 (20 overs)* [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Upper Class Ponces - 136/9 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
A Great Empire {*Holds Back Laughter*} - 137/2 (13.5 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup Semi-Finals]
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Super 8 - Group 2
Large Astor With The Polaris Superiority Complex - 138/7 (17.5 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Smol Astor With The National News No One Cares For - 135/5 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
No One Understands A Word They Say - 146/7 (20 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup Semi-Finals]
Failure Supposedly Results In Invasion - 134/3 (20 overs) [Qualified for T20 World Cup Semi-Finals]
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* = Zoran & Fhaengshia have still not submitted official logos for their cricket team.
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T20 World Cup Matchday 5 - Review - Victory
153/7 (20 overs)
157/6 (18.1 overs)
Hertfordia Snowstorm won against Larxia by 4 wickets
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes
Isaac Myroshnychenko 51 26 0 4 Bowled Rago Niedra 56 42 4 0 Run out
Derek Sokolov 13 9 1 0 Bowled
Đe Kaiser 11 9 1 0 Caught Dynamis Dudka 5 5 0 0 Run out
Robert Cherganski 16 9 0 2 LBW (Leg Before Wicket)
Yomiel Stasyuk 4 6 0 0 Not out Diego Adamov 1 3 0 0 Not out Scorers of Wickets:
Yuuya Kovalchuk (1), Richard Hammond (1), Faust Ḩarełeudeiem (2), Patrick Manev (2), Patchouli Knalide (1)
Isaac Myroshnychenko - Spare a thought for this poor sod. If anyone on this team has had a traumatic past, it is him. For moral reasons we won't get into it but the point of the matter is he seems to have moved on from it quite well, judging by his solid performance against the hosts in this match.
Rago Niedra - What is it with Rago and constantly getting onto the scoresheet? We're starting to think at this point that our standout player is showing himself. It isn't decided yet, though when this is all said and done we will be comparing all the players to see who truly put in the best work. Seriously though, if Rago continues to perform like this, people are actually going to start following his Black Sun cult.
Derek Sokolov - The surgeon has returned from duty to make a slight impact on the match. Managing 13 runs, he might be destined for an unlucky day in the operating theatre in the near future. Either that or he'll mysteriously receive a bakers dozen of something. Let's hope neither occurs.
Đe Kaiser - The Emperor is back, and attempting to reclaim his former glory! For those who somehow haven't caught on, the name 'Đe Kaiser' translates to 'The Emperor'. Fitting in his heyday when he was actively dominating the sports of both cricket and boxing. Unfortunately he couldn't grasp the concept of retirement and continued on until his age finally became too much of a handicap, thus causing him to fall from grace in a spectacular way. Pretty much doomed in the boxing scene after infamously losing to a bunch of secondary school kids, the T20 World Cup of cricket is the last chance he has of restoring some honour to the legend that he once was.
Dynamis Dudka - Just as we asked this same rhetorical question pertaining to Rago, what is it with Dynamis and constantly getting onto the scoresheet? This one is less impressive, but somehow he manages to make it on even when having a bad performance. Call us crazy, but we might actually be starting to believe in the 'will of the heavens'. If anyone is watching who is a mental health practitioner, note down the names 'Damian Hadjiev, Frank Wezapad, Yoshikage Ķile' just in case we do need such a thing. If Dynamis is actually right about this then colour us shocked.
Robert Cherganski - Welcome back this person to the scoresheet. He is someone who you can never really be sure about. Is he always there or never there? Either way, Robert is someone so gentlemanly, you'd think he was from Saint Mark. But he isn't, which only proves that us lot from Hertfordshire and Jammbo are the 'gentleman of the countryside'. There are many more like him in the confederal kingdom.
Yomiel Stasyuk - The dead man walking. The statement to the left is false. The statement to the left is true. The statement to the right is true. We are probably struggling for good ideas at this point. As if we'd stop trying, that is not something we shall do. Besides, it's not as if Yomiel done much. He didn't need to, for the match was as good as won by the time he came on to bat arrived.
Diego Adamov - Not much to say. He came on near the end, earned 1 run, then immediately rushed back off the pitch before his coffee (blend #107) got cold.
This makes our situation even better than it already was. This win over Larxia marks not only the first defeat for the hosts in this tournament, but also grants Hertfordshire and Jammbo a spot in the Semi-Finals. HNDK are the first team to qualify for the next round and because of the head-to-head rule in the tiebreakers section, neither Larxia or Saint Mark can overtake them anymore. Combined with the fact that it is mathematically impossible for Zoran to catch up in the Group 1 table, it means that HNDK have won the group and will be using the final matchday of the Super 8 to see which teams will fill the other 3 Semi-Final slots remaining. When it comes to the performance, captain Faust won the toss and wisely chose to bowl, given the condition of the pitch. This certainly was much to the chagrin of Larxia's own Kohli. Larxia started well on bat, making it 82/2 at the 11th over. But then it started to fall apart as the vast expanse of quality from our fielders shone through with multiple managing to get at least 1 wicket. Faust and Patrick were the standout performers though they didn't stand out much, such was the collectively powerful effort that went in to silencing the Larxian batting regime. 20 minutes pass for the break between innings, after HNDK dismissed the maximum number of Larxian batters. Once the second innings arrived and HNDK had to bat, it soon became apparent that they were in a parallel yet opposite situation to the opponents. With just 45 runs scored in 7 overs, the likes of Derek, Kaiser, Dynamis and Robert all fell to the bowling of Larxian duo Bumrah and Rabada. From there however, HNDK went on a rampage scoring a further 112/2 to win the game with 1.9 overs remaining (11 bats). The man of the match was none other than Isaac Myroshnychenko, who received a small trophy thing that he will likely show his father when the team return home after the tournaments closure. Some money came too, but he agreed with coach Maxie and assistant coach Eirin to hand it over to funds pertaining to preventing casualties for the upcoming Storm Valeria set to hit New Larxia, the capital of the country that ours defeated in the cricket match being reported on right now. Now onto upcoming matches, and for Larxia this next one is crucial. They will be battling Saint Mark who also lost to Hertfordshire and Jammbo. King James of Larxia and Prince Marcarius of Saint Mark will be in attendance, plus rumours are going around that Tsar Mečislavs (just using this title only to avoid confusion with the local monarch) will also attend on his own, marking the first time he and Prime Minister Clarkov haven't gone to a T20 World Cup match together. In Group 2 things are very interesting. Although United Adaikes have the commanders seat in that group, being the ones to inflict on Cambria their first defeat (in the midst of a terrible event so no blaming Cambria for not being full on), any team could qualify for the next round. Not to mention that the Astoric Derby is coming up, where the fates of the T20 World Cup runs of both Cambria and Nieubasria are at stake. It seems certain that one will have to be sacrificed to the abyss of elimination. Without further ado, the results of the most recent matchday. You know the style by now.
Matchday 5 - Results
--------------------------------------------------
Super 8 - Group 1
Petty Squabbling, End At Once! - 143/7 (20 overs)* [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
The Centre Of The World - 145/2 (17.1 overs)
Storm Valeria Approaching, Get Out Of Its Path! - 153/7 (20 overs)
Affinity For Bowling First - 157/6 (18.1 overs)
--------------------------------------------------
Super 8 - Group 2
Hellhole For Border Guards - 121/7 (20 overs)
Setting Up 'Wanted' Posters - 160/7 (20 overs)*
Name Sounds Like A Mad Science Hypothesis - 159/6 (20 overs)
Pre-Match Terrorism Is Unpleasant - 156/6 (20 overs)
--------------------------------------------------
* = Zoran & Fhaengshia have still not submitted official logos for their cricket team.
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T20 World Cup Matchday 4 - Review - Victory
126/3 (14 overs)
124/5 (20 overs)
Hertfordia Heathens won against Saint Mark by 7 wickets
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes Naho Sotirova 66 44 9 2 Caught Rago Niedra 35 18 5 2 Run out Ryosuke Tīrelis 20 14 2 1 Not out Patrick Manev 4 4 1 0 Bowled Dynamis Dudka 1 4 0 0 Not out Scorers of Wickets:
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem (4), Isaac Myroshnychenko (1)
Naho Sotirova - Shortly after the match with Blue Bubble/Glenpavia, Naho finally managed to locate a surprisingly striking man, an expert in the world of the occult and indeed of reporting called Kou 'Kibiki' Karapetrov. If no one heard that talk in public when even the Prime Minister was present, Karapetrov is the mentor in this relationship. She holds a perhaps unhealthy obsession with him (for better or worse), and that was the perfect motivator for this suspiciously Satanic performance.
Rago Niedra - If Naho's performance was Satanic, then Rago's certainly wasn't far behind. Then again, that's what you get when you're the leader of a tiny religion dedicated to bringing about an age of darkness or some nonsense like that. The bad news is the deity he worships is Nemesis, the God of Destruction. The good news is that it is hardly relevant even in Hertfordshire & Jammbo itself. But the Child of the Black Sun will always make himself known wherever he goes.
Ryosuke Tīrelis - If Rago is the Child of the Black Sun, then Ryosuke is the leader of the RedSuns. Or rather, he was. Actually he currently leads Project D, a racing team. The D stands for Dream. Either way, what happens when Black Sun and Red Sun both put on splendid performances? Indeed, the opponent struggles mightily against the onslaught of what seems like two stars crashing down on them. Unlike Rago, Ryosuke does not worship a destruction deity. He worships no deity.
Patrick Manev - Look who finally made his way back to the scoring sheet. The Hand of Asclepius only really came in at the last minute and managed 1 four before being bowled out. Pretty forgetful with just that singular moment at bat to look at. It could be that he was simply saving his energy for later matches, since the battle was as good as won at that point. If so, then that was a smart move. We can't help but call it a little obvious though.
Dynamis Dudka - How he managed to get on the scoresheet right on the very last bat is anyone's guess. He ended up earning the run that levelled HNDK with Saint Mark with our over total at 13.8 (13 overs + 5/6 overs), before Ryosuke ended the match. The players must have been slightly miffed at him after came so close to getting such a convenient 2, which he refrained from due to hesitation about whether he could make it back to the stumps in time. Let us guess, did the 'Will of the Heavens' call for this to happen as well?
In the name of Lake Stour, we can scarcely believe it. We weren't quite expecting that. Just when we thought HNDK couldn't top the victory over underestimation professionals Blue Bubble/Glenpavia, they go along and do this to first round Group C table toppers Saint Mark. As the scoreline blatantly showed, the Hertfordia Heathens had creamed their opposition. Even if this wasn't as large of the victory as the previous, it still stood out as a statement victory. The nation that arguably embodies aristocracy, prestige & pleasantness was sent packing by a nation that for all intents & purposes are the national equivalent of the Village People. If it didn't send shockwaves throughout the tournament we don't know what will. Perhaps a later victory in this will prove to be such a thing, in the case that this victory over the Auran outfit is not meant to be. As for Faust, his domination of the dismissal process/wickets was a show of force to the rest, a reminder that he alone is the captain of HNDK. Keep the optimism up, what hope do we have of coming out of this T20 World Cup as the winners if we don't? Back to the match, this was a show of individual performance. It is dangerous to rely purely on team play. The main strength of our nation's cricket team is the huge variety it holds. Each member has a specific bowling style, and the batting styles aren't too similar by any means. Furthermore, each player is an all-rounder, able to bat and bowl at the highest level. We wouldn't be here at the tournament otherwise. The stars in the sky will freeze over before any opponent truly figures us out. Okay that's completely unrealistic but you chaps reading this get the point, we presume. We even managed to best the Polarii sporting giant Cambria right up until their miracle 19th over comeback. With our shockingly cheerful post-match section out of the way, it is time to show all who watch this the results of Super 8 Matchday 1, which is Matchday 4 overall in the T20 World Cup. Because the roster has been cleaved in two for obvious reasons, this will have less results and therefore it will be easier for us to think of less than savoury names for the nations attending that are not us. Also, we note that apparently, the king of host nation Larxia (King Maddy IV?) has invited all sorts of politicians to watch the grand final which takes place in ~6 days time. King Mečislavs & Prime Minister Clarkov will be in attendance within the stands themselves no matter if the invitation ever reaches them, so they told us earlier today.
Matchday 4 - Results
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Super 8 - Group 1
Land Of Crude Logos - 190/3 (20 overs)
Send All Andolian Cheese To This Location - 138/3 (20 overs)*
Complete Antithesis to Aristocracy - 126/3 (14 overs)
Aristocracy Personified - 124/5 (20 overs)
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Super 8 - Group 2
Three Way Ties Aren't Their Thing - 131/9 (18.4 overs)
Astoric Country, Version IrrelevantRandomUpdates.0 - 129/5 (20 overs)
Houses C.N.C.'s Yellow Pages - 133/6 (16.3 overs)
Bounty Hunters Apparently - 132/7 (20 overs)*
--------------------------------------------------
* = Zoran & Fhaengshia have still not submitted official logos for their cricket team.
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T20 World Cup Matchday 3 - Review - Victory
133/2 (14.4 overs)
130 (19.1 overs)
Hertfordia Shrine Maidens won against Blue Runners by 8 wickets
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes Derek Sokolov 102 51 9 6 Bowled Faust Ḩarełeudeiem 14 9 2 0 Caught Rago Niedra 3 6 0 0 Not out Lisa Lazarenko 12 15 1 0 Not out Dynamis Dudka 2 5 0 0 Not out Scorers of Wickets:
Isaac Myroshnychenko (3), Patchouli Knalide (4), Đe Kaiser (1), Patrick Manev (1), Richard Hammond (1)
Derek Sokolov - The doctor will see you now. That's all we really have to say for the first Hertfordian cricket player to achieve a century. The good doctor has cemented his place both in the medical field and on the cricket field, having almost singlehandedly decimated the Blue Runners run total of 130 all out. We thought surgeons were healers, not hurters. Surgical knife, A.S.A.P.!
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem - It wouldn't be right unless the captain had a decent go at the Blue Runners. The so-called 'Fist of the Pendulum Clock' certainly wasn't actually messing with time and space. That is an absurd assumption to make. But it felt like he was somehow.
Rago Niedra - You can't keep the Black Sun down. Rago likely intended to earn much more runs than he did, but as you might have guessed already Derek decided that he would forcefully place Blue Bubble/Glenpavia on the operating table. Still, at least Rago was not dismissed.
Lisa Lazarenko: They say the most intelligent people are the ones that end up making the most simple mistakes. This person is no different, for most of what this 4 year old ultra-prodigy tries ends up going wrong because of one seemingly insignificant mishap. This time though, the underwhelming performance was not due to her own miscalculations, but rather due to a certain surgeon.
Dynamis Dudka: It seems those people who hold the energy producing spinning tops they call 'Beyblades' are really in it today. Dynamis managed to slot in a couple of runs near the end of the match. He has consistently been a presence on the scoresheet and while he has never really stood out, at least he has the consistency. Looks like the will of the heavens has guided this shrine guardian well.
What can we say except 'that went well'? This game was crucial to our survival in the competition, and we're very glad to say that we put in our best performance yet. Rising to the occasion when it counts is a key skill to have in any sport and cricket is no exception. Even better that Derek earned a century in the process. Think of it this way, this was such an encouraging victory that we really are struggling to give a substantial report on it, so we'll go into something called Spiral Force. The deputy reporter was returning from the shop when he heard some of the players talking about something called Twisted Tempo. It was invented by Ziggurat as an energy source to power this Spiral Force. Spiral Force was an attempt at creating an energy source that had all the benefits of renewable energy with none of the drawbacks. He tried condensing it into raw energy before he was luckily stopped. Scientists back home have figured out that if all the pent up energy that the by-then-collapsing Spiral Core (a reactor that collects and stores the Spiral Force) would rend miles upon miles of land surrounding the Hades City base where it was located and even sent a colossal shockwave across the entirety of the world. Honestly, two of us find that very hard to believe. The other is the editor Damian. Perhaps it is not a coincidence that he too has one of these former energy sources, which are absurdly rare due to the scientific nature of their creation. His one is called Hades Kerbecs BD145DS. Naturally at this point we have to give you all the results while taking jabs at the other nations. We just feel like it.
Matchday 3 - Results
--------------------------------------------------
Group A
Who Knows Anymore? - 120 (17.4 overs)* [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Likely Victim of Cambrian Taunting - 198/4 (20 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
Miserable Tech Comes From Here - 153/6 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Larynx - 175 (19.4 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
--------------------------------------------------
Group B
Polaris Flag Bearer - 140/7 (15 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
Irrelevant Twaddle - 136/6 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here - 133/2 (14.4 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
Underestimating At Their Own Peril - 130 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
--------------------------------------------------
Group C
Andolia-Aura Hybrid? - 131/6 (16.4 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
The Place Your Calendars Refer To - 165/6 (20 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
General Gio's Lonely Islanders Cricket Band - 125/8 (15.5 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Should've Read The Rulebook - 122/6 (20 overs)** [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
--------------------------------------------------
Group D
Probably Makes Up Confusing Long Words On Purpose - 149/8 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Zoranian Museum Of Rubble - 163/5 (20 overs)* [Qualified for Super 8]
Ceased The Adverts Thankfully - 132/3 (20 overs) [Qualified for Super 8]
Landmine Hideaway - 151/9 (20 overs)* [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
--------------------------------------------------
* = Denieria, Fhaengshia, Zoran & Dalimbar have not yet submitted official logos for their cricket team.
** = This is not the official Dilberian "cricket" team logo, we just put it there for laughs. We will never be sorry.
- Zoran and United Adaikes
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2
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While the rest of the team had been planning on how to defeat Blue Bubble/Glenpavia and secure qualification to the Super 8, Reimu Hadjieva had been working on something she claimed was a matter of great importance.
Reimu Hadjieva: Ah, at last, it's finally complete. Looks like all that hard work finally paid off.
Patchouli Knalide: Hard work from you? That's a first.
Reimu Hadjieva: You can't talk Patchy.
Patchouli Knalide: Yeah, I know...
Robert Cherganski: So anyway, what is it?
Reimu Hadjieva: It's a makeshift version of the Hadjieva Shrine! Now I can collect shrine donations here in Larxia during the T20 World Cup!
Ryosuke Tīrelis: You really are that desperate.
Reimu Hadjieva: No one visits the shrine back home, so I brought the shrine to them. Genius, huh?
Lisa Lazarenko: Your shrine supposedly houses a god that plainly doesn't exist, why would anyone even remotely sensible visit it?
Dynamis Dudka: Believing in the Hadjieva God may be unfounded, but believing in the will of the heavens holds a lot of merit.
Naho Sotirova: The world of the occult is still the closest to reality.
Rago Niedra: You are all forgetting the only true god in this world, the God of Destruction, Nemesis.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Let's not get into the minefield that is the Black Sun.
Robert Cherganski: Speaking of which, the Black Sun is now an official symbol of our country.
Eirin Yaneva: How typical.
Patchouli Knalide: Oh please, you're all incorrect, everyone knows that science is just magic in another form.
Maxie Mazurenko: Why do you even bother anymore Lisa?
Lisa Lazarenko: I honestly don't know.
Patrick Manev: Hey, Rago.
Rago Niedra: Hmm?
Patrick Manev: I heard you saying something to the Teralyon cricket team players when you went up to bat. Could you repeat what you said please?
Rago Niedra: Alright. I was explaining to them the power of the Black Sun.
Patrick Manev: Repeat away. Everyone, if you didn't hear what Rago said when he was up to bat, now's the time to listen.
Rago Niedra: "That is the Black Sun. The God of Destruction, Diablo Nemesis itself!"
Eirin Yaneva: I've never heard of this 'Diablo Nemesis'.
Richard Hammond: Shush.
Rago Niedra: "I have withstood all of your attacks, all of them. And now it is my turn to attack."
Reimu Hadjieva: You then proceeded to hit a six if I'm not mistaken.
Naho Sotirova: Yes he did do that.
Rago Niedra: "You will be joining your irreplaceable rivals soon, you little worms, get ready!"
Derek Sokolov: That's a lot of confidence right from the get go.
Rago Niedra: Clearly the confidence paid off, we crushed them.
Maxie Mazurenko: Yes, we did crush them, but we also lost 9 wickets. We need to make sure we work on not being dismissed. Twice now we have finished our innings with just 1 wicket to spare.
Richard Hammond: Maxie is right, we might be excellent at batting and fielding, but we need to improve that aspect of our play if we want to make it to the final stage.
Eirin Yaneva: Then that is what we shall focus on.
Lisa Lazarenko: Not only that, but talent isn't the only thing we have at our disposal.
Reimu Hadjieva: Very true, we have some of the greatest minds in the entire tournament. Maxie, Patchouli, Lisa, Dynamis, the list carries on. Also, the offertory box is just over there.
Derek Sokolov: With our individual and team talent, and the brilliant minds at our disposal, we have both the skill and the tactics to advance past our opposition, no matter who they are.
Dynamis Dudka: That's quite a bold statement, but I am sure of it none the less.
Derek Sokolov: Well I took your declaration a couple of days ago to heart.
Dynamis Dudka: Glad to know that you see sense now.
Lisa Lazarenko: Sense? You have got to be kidding me.
Richard Hammond: I heard a couple of Blue Runners' players talking about how they didn't believe we were planning for the match.
Lisa Lazarenko: That's a big mistake. Perhaps they will fall victim to their own underestimation of the opponent, in this case us, again.
???: Hello chaps.
Richard Hammond: Hang on, why are you here?
James May: I'm here because I heard that you were talking complete rubbish.
Ryosuke Tīrelis: This is about Hammond claiming that the future is the best, isn't it?
James May: Exactly.
Richard Hammond: Oh god.
James May: The world now is better than it was just one minute ago.
???: No it isn't because a minute ago, you weren't here.
James May: Was that Je... OW!!!
Richard Hammond: Oooooo, that smarts.
James May: Ah! M-my gentleman's area! Uunnngh...
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Is this why you wanted me to drag you here?
Jeremy Clarkson: I did say I was going to do it.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Fair enough. I'm going back to my hotel, Kou said he was waiting for me there.
Naho Sotirova: Kou?! He's here? Tell me where he is. That's not a request.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: If you want to find the man you call your mentor, look in the stands for where me and Mečislavs are sitting, he should be around there.
Naho Sotirova: Thanks for telling me, now I know where to look.
James May: My testicles have retreated!
Richard Hammond: We don't need to know that!
Derek Sokolov: Could I borrow the Ecnalubma quickly? I need to check James over for any long term injuries caused by that punch.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Well, it actually belongs to James, but he really isn't in a position to do anything about it right now.
James May: Urgh... ow...
Derek Sokolov: I'll be getting on with that then. Robert, help me carry James into the Ecnalubma please.
Robert Cherganski: I shall do this action.
Derek Sokolov: Thank you kindly.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Looks like I'll be staying here for a while longer.
Reimu Hadjieva: That's no problem, you can listen to us talk. It might be something interesting. By the way, the offertory box is over there.
Lisa Lazarenko: It brings me slight joy to see you fail to get any shrine donations.
Richard Hammond: Cut out the 'Smeese', it's creepy.
Naho Sotirova: You think that's creepy? I'll show you creepy.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Damian still does it better.
Some kind of argument over who has the creepiest look has broken out. Faust argues the case for Damian, who is not part of HNDK. This came out of absolutely nowhere. Stranger things have happened.
Eirin Yaneva: Okay you two, cut it out!
Rago Niedra: It gets worse, trust me.
Lisa Lazarenko: Of course it does.
Eirin Yaneva: No one cares, just stop.
Naho Sotirova: Me and Lisa clearly do.
Ryosuke Tīrelis: I'm getting tired of this, can we go back to the, um, hotel...? Ah who am I kidding, it's a ranch.
Maxie Mazurenko: Yes. There we can meet up with the rest of the team and discuss further on the course of action to take in order to defeat Blue Bubble/Glenpavia.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Derek, are you ready?
Derek Sokolov: Yeah, just finished. James appears to be in full working order.
James May: Thanks very much Doctor Sokolov.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: I, Clarkson and May will be taking our leave now. Good luck in your next match, win it for yourselves and for the nation!
Eirin Yaneva: That's what we plan to do. Also remember, this team is called the Hertfordia Shrine Maidens for the third match in accordance with the T20 team name policy.
Reimu Hadjieva: Music to my ears!
Richard Hammond: Looks like everyone is ready.
Reimu Hadjieva: Then let's pack up and get going. And, the wonderful offertory box is over there.
Rago Niedra: Too bad. I only believe in the God of Destruction.
Before an argument over beliefs could break out, Prime Minister Clarkov broke out a megaphone and put a halt to it. After departing in the Ecnalubma with Jeremy Clarkson and James May, the members of Hertfordia Shrine Maidens themselves departed for the hotel (ranch) to train further for the big match ahead. The match that would decide their fate in the T20 World Cup.
- Zoran, United Adaikes, Saint Mark and 3 others
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6
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T20 World Cup Matchday 2 - Review - Victory
127/7 (20 overs)
130/9 (15.5 overs)
Hertfordia Snowstorm won against Teraljonska Cricket Tim by 1 wicket
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes
Rago Niedra 67 31 7 4 Run out Patchouli Knalide 6 6 0 0 Bowled Robert Cherganski 25 19 0 0 Bowled Richard Hammond 5 7 0 0 LBW (Leg Before Wicket) Derek Sokolov 7 4 0 1 Bowled
Reimu Hadjieva 6 4 1 0 LBW (Leg Before Wicket) Ryosuke Tīrelis 3 6 0 0 Caught Naho Sotirova 3 6 0 0 LBW (Leg Before Wicket) Dynamis Dudka 5 4 1 0 Bowled Lisa Lazarenko 3 6 0 0 Not out Scorers of wickets:
Patrick Manev (3), Faust Ḩarełeudeiem (4)
Rago Niedra - The cricket fans of Hertfordshire & Jammbo don't call him the God of Destruction for nothing. Rago was ruthless in both batting and fielding, never giving the Teralyon lot a chance to breathe. So that's the Black Sun's power, huh? We can't wait to see more of it.
Patchouli Knalide - The unmoving great library is back, and no where near as good as her last outing. Maybe it's due to the fact that her asthma was playing up more than usual in the match. Can't blame her for something like that.
Robert Cherganski - Through sheer grit and determination, earned from growing up in the slums of Great Parndon (yes they exist), Robert made his way to a respectable 25 runs. He certainly made a show of himself with all the twirling.
Richard Hammond - Very similar to Robert, apart from the clearly lesser display. He clearly didn't appreciate Roberts twirling and tried to pick a fight. He received a cane to the face.
Derek Sokolov - Lucky number seven in total runs in this match, although being lucky isn't entirely going to help HNDK win matches.
Reimu Hadjieva - The so-called 'Wonderful Shrine Maiden of Paradise' made herself known on this particular matchday. Mind you, it wasn't because of her on-pitch performance.
Ryosuke Tīrelis - Bastion of Project D, certainly unable to invoke the spirit of Touge against the Teralyon team. It can't happen every day.
Naho Sotirova - Try and imagine the most generic performance that a completely abnormal person could perform. That's what the audiences received from her. We couldn't tell what was going on because we were too busy drifting off to sleep.
Dynamis Dudka - It's hard to tell whether Dynamis is a wise and benevolent guide or just plain crazy. Either way, he struck a 4 and then went away, probably to look for omens or something. We don't know anymore.
Lisa Lazarenko - Pretty much the same as Naho's performance, except people seem to find this prodigy a lot more interesting than the resident occultist. A voice of logic in a sea of mythical beliefs.
If this game epitomized anything, it's that every little helps. Much like that shop motto we saw a while back. Most of the batters got scores below 10, but combined they slowly built up the HNDK score to allow Rago and Robert to run the show. That's exactly what they done, easily sweeping the Teraljonska Cricket Tim aside and surpassing their run total with 4.5 overs to spare. This converts to 27 bats or so we think. This leaves us with 1 win, a somewhat easy one over Teralyon and 1 loss, an unfortunate one in which a late rally by Cambria allowed them to squeeze past us in a tight finish with just 5 bats to spare. Speaking of Cambria, they have already qualified as the Group B winners, having beaten the Blue Runners of Blue Bubble/Glenpavia in what might have been a routine win. This leaves the table of Group B with Cambria in first and staying there, while Teralyon are doomed to finish rock bottom of the group and with Cambria as their final match of the tournament, things don't look too good for them. The other match is where it's all at stake, for Hertfordshire & Jammbo will be pitted against Glenpavia/Blue Bubble in San Dojas' Faltech Arena. The victor of this match will qualify for the Super 8 in second, the loser will be eliminated from the T20 World Cup in third. In the event of a draw, our future opposition would go through due to holding a higher Net Run Rate (NRR). Please note that the 3 names we chose through that poll back home are switched around regularly in a 3-match cycle. This is why we were called Hertfordia Snowstorm in this match, and why Hertfordia Shrine Maidens will be the name for the upcoming match. Now we shall introduce the results of the matches with the charmingly insulting flair that you, the cricket fans of H&J, seemed to appreciate.
Matchday 2 - Results
--------------------------------------------------
Group A
Not To Be Confused With Fujai - 133/7 (14.5 overs)
Insert [Name Of Horrendous Sponsor] Here - 129 (18.2 overs)
Farce-ia 187/2 (20 overs)
Non-Player Character - 144/9 (20 overs)*
--------------------------------------------------
Group B
Islanders Complaining About Mainlanders - 127/7 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Countryside And Not Much Else - 130/9 (15.5 overs)
What's Their Name Again? - 133 (18.3 overs)
That Spawny Astoric Place - 136/6 (17.2 overs) [Qualified for Super 8 as group winners]
--------------------------------------------------
Group C
Upper Class And Proud - 148/6 (16.4 overs)
Almost A Corporate Colony - 144/6 (20 overs) [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Is This Even A Cricket Team? - 144/9 (20 overs)**
Former Giovannilandian Colony - 148/6 (19.2 overs)* [Qualified for Super 8]
--------------------------------------------------
Group D
Where Unfortunate Reporters Lie - 118/5 (20 overs)*
A Border Lovers Worst Nightmare - 193/5 (20 overs) [Qualified for Super 8 as group winners]
Everybody Except Them Is A Heathen - 142 (18.1 overs)* [Eliminated from T20 World Cup]
Unwashed Far-Left Tree Huggers - 145/7 (19.5 overs)
--------------------------------------------------
* = Denieria, Fhaengshia, Zoran & Dalimbar have not yet submitted official logos for their cricket team.
** = This is not the official Dilberian "cricket" team logo, we just put it there for laughs. We're still not sorry.
- United Adaikes, iOctagon and Zoran
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3
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Nearby a construction site in San Dojas, some members of HNDK were having a pleasant discussion. Or at least, the closest thing to that.
Diego Adamov: So, anyone want some coffee? I would highly recommend it.
Reimu Hadjieva: Nah, I prefer sake if I'm honest and if not that then tea.
Diego Adamov: I'm going to resist the urge to call that blasphemy. What about you Derek, aren't you exhausted from that operation yesterday?
Derek Sokolov: Don't worry about it I'm fine. That sort of procedure actually mirrors my first ever successful operation.
Yomiel Stasyuk: If you're that good in the surgeon profession, then where the hell were you when I almost slumped over dead?!
Derek Sokolov: I can't be everywhere you know. Besides I'm not the only surgeon in the world.
Richard Hammond: Yeah Yomiel cut him some slack.
Yuuya Kovalchuk: Enough of this. What this reminds me of is that Tenjin place I was trapped in some while ago.
Kyosuke Miķelsons: If you start rambling on about Heavenly Host again I'm going to ask Derek to suture your lips shut.
Derek Sokolov: I will do no such thing!
Yuuya Kovalchuk: I'm just saying that this building site mirrors that place in that being killed in there and being killed by me are one and the same.
Diego Adamov: In what feasible way is that a truth?
Richard Hammond: More to the point, you just said that out loud in public.
Patrick Manev: Do I hear police sirens in the distance?
Patchouli Knalide: That's just Twisted Tempo.
Robert Cherganski: Okay, how is a spinning top of all things doing something like that?
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Mad science can get you anywhere.
Yomiel Stasyuk: I just can't figure out why someone decided to make these a thing.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: This one, Twisted Tempo 145WD, was originally created by the energy and environmental researcher Dr. Ziggurat. It was meant to be the perfect energy source. Clean and renewable without any of the drawbacks.
Derek Sokolov: Well that's great!
Reimu Hadjieva: From the looks of things this is no longer the case.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: This is true. The good doctor was found guilty of highly unethical deeds carried out for the sake of creating Tempo.
Đe Kaiser: None of that detracts from the fact that this is almost entirely unrealistic. Next you're gonna tell me that there is now a whole sport related to these things.
Dynamis Dudka: There is. This is mine, Jade Jupiter S130RB.
Kyosuke Miķelsons: Oh give me strength, the fortune teller has got one too.
Naho Sotirova: Here I was thinking that the occult stuff me and Kou dabbled in was seen as unrealistic.
Yomiel Stasyuk: That's because it plainly is. Does it make you feel alive? Also, your mentors reporting is utter twaddle.
Diego Adamov: You've done it now.
Naho Sotirova: You're known as a dead man walking. Want me to make the dead part a reality?
Yomiel Stasyuk: I'm not afraid of you.
Reimu Hadjieva: Do you want me to exterminate you both?
Yomiel Stasyuk: Like your shrine maiden position means anything.
Reimu Hadjieva: Ah- Take that back right now!
Naho Sotirova: Don't try and stop me, miko! I'm not going to let him get away with his remarks.
Eirin Yaneva: Cease this squabbling or I'll give you all a dose of the most debilitating drug I can muster.
Reimu Hadjieva: You heard Eirin, back off. I wouldn't mess with the Hourai Pharmacist.
Yomiel Stasyuk: Ugh, fine.
Naho Sotirova: Not likely. Let me at him!
Eirin Yaneva: Someone restrain her already.
Robert Cherganski: Will do.
Naho Sotirova: Unhand me you twirling freak!
Richard Hammond: This has gone really off course. We were babbling on about unethical science or something.
Patchouli Knalide: When you really think about it, occultism and science are just alternate forms of magic.
Richard Hammond: What...
Patrick Manev: You know how Maxie said that we'd gotten more realistic? You've gone straight to fantasy.
Patchouli Knalide: It's true. Arguments will not occur over it.
Eirin Yaneva: I think we're all very tired by now.
Kyosuke Miķelsons: I know I am.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: All I know is that this Tempo is the greatest thing that Hertfordian science has ever come up with, or just any science period.
Yuuya Kovalchuk: I suspect you're going to tell Lisa that too.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: If I must, then yes.
Đe Kaiser: That can't go anywhere good.
Richard Hammond: Like your performance in the loss to Cambria?
Derek Sokolov: That's a bit harsh Hammond.
Eirin Yaneva: Speaking of loss, yes we did do that, but no one ever said the path to the top was easy.
Dynamis Dudka: Do you see it too? The destiny, that has been laid out for us.
Patrick Manev: Here we go.
Richard Hammond: I see only one thing, and that's us lot and the others at the hotel on the winners podium!
Dynamis Dudka: I admire your confidence. No one can run from it, we will emerge from this T20 World Cup as the last one standing. For that is the will of the heavens, the fate determined by the stars.
Everyone present stared blankly at Dynamis, understanding the message but unsure of whether to believe in this 'will of the heavens' he put his trust in. Even still, one person wasn't paying attention. Yomiel had spotted his cat on top of a crane and guided the others' attention towards it. It was surprisingly interesting.
- embubbleblue, Saint Mark, Zoran and 1 other
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4
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T20 World Cup Matchday 1 - Review - Defeat
149/6 (19.1 overs)
148/9 (20 overs)
Cambria won against Hertfordia Heathens by 4 wickets
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes
Đe Kaiser 7 5 0 1 Bowled
Yomiel Stasyuk 55 43 9 0 Bowled
Diego Adamov 11 12 0 0 Caught
Patchouli Knalide 40 18 7 2 Run out
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem 13 10 2 0 Not out
Dynamis Dudka 6 5 1 0 Bowled
Derek Sokolov 2 5 0 0 Caught
Reimu Hadjieva 10 10 1 0 Caught
Yuuya Kovalchuk 1 5 0 0 Bowled
Patrick Manev 3 7 0 0 Caught Scorers of Wickets:
Robert Cherganski (3), Richard Hammond (1), Kyosuke Miķelsons (1), Naho Sotirova (1)
Đe Kaiser - A typical performance really. A six on his first bat showed everyone that he still had it. The next few bats showed everyone that he really didn't.
Yomiel Stasyuk - Arguably the star performer for Hertfordia Heathens, needing the equivalent of 25 bats to reach a score of 55. Not bad for a so-called dead man walking. If anyone is wondering about the fact that he clearly got 18 runs with 0, that is possible in cricket. We found that out a few hours earlier.
Diego Adamov - Didn't exactly take things quickly. One run at a time here, not quite ideal for high run scoring.
Patchouli Knalide - The librarian of knowledge and shade, if not Yomiel then she was the top performer. Scoring 7 fours and 2 sixes, meaning she needed just 9 runs to make 40, before her progress screeched to a halt. No wonder, this 'Eastern style Western magician' is actually rather sickly and probably wasn't feeling well. Again.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem - This guy probably wasn't expecting the arrival and flag plant debacle, so wasn't really on point when he came late on. If he was, we might have won this match. Still, he was still in by the time our allocated innings, and 20 overs, had concluded.
Dynamis Dudka: Didn't do much to help his case, either in selection for cricket matches or convincing his colleagues that the 'will of the heavens' actually exists. A solitary 4 was a highlight of the match though.
Derek Sokolov - Done almost nothing at all and just as well, for a citizen had become gravely injured just outside the stadium in a crash. We can report that he succeeded in the on-site operation.
Reimu Hadjieva - One name for Hertfordshire and Jammbo's cricket team is the Hertfordia Shrine Maidens, which came 3rd in the poll behind Heathens & Snowstorm. Enter the actual shrine maiden, who was one of the better performers really despite only earning 10 runs. That score isn't likely to help earn any shrine donations, what little she ever sees anyway.
Yuuya Kovalchuk - The solitary run followed by a lorry full of nothing. Unlike Derek, he had no excuse for that pitiful display.
Patrick Manev - Done rather well when he came on near the end. Consistent, but what looked like a clear six was cancelled with a superb catch right at the edge by a Cambrian fielder. Well done to that guy, through gritted teeth might we add. Despite the performance then, he had almost nothing to show for it.
So, if you are confused about this new reporting format, here we are to explain it. Each cricket result we have will receive the most complicated looking scoreboard we have ever seen as well as judgements on each of the batters that took part. We will also have the wicket takers, those who were successful in dismissing the opposition players below the main scoreboard itself. Do not ask us to report on it like the rugby and football lot do, because we know the square root of nothing about cricket. That, and also because if we did, the report would have the same levels of boredom as one of Prime Minister Clarkov's explanations. Death by boredom would be appropriate.
Anyway, as you all saw, we were narrowly defeated by the larger of the two Astorian nations,
Tara & CambrayCambria by 4 wickets. This is because Cambria surpassed our score by a single run with 4 wickets (that's 4 batters) to spare. They achieved this target with 5 bats remaining, so it really was crunch time when the final over of the second innings began. In our next match we shall do battle with Teralyon who were defeated by, er, Blue Bubble? Glenpavia? Oh whatever you get what we mean. So we shall see you on the next report. Also, we thought we would also give you results from other matches but in a way that will brighten up your days back in the dismal cold place we call home after our unfortunate loss. Never mind that the scores are already on display!Matchday 1 - Results
--------------------------------------------------
Group A
Hosts Close By - 133/6 (14.1 overs)
Steelbats, Not Steelbacks! - 132/4 (20 overs)
From The Continent That Time Forgot - 94 (17.1 overs)*
Infernal Sponsor Islands - 187/7 (20 overs)
--------------------------------------------------
Group B
Bluebublenpavia - 145/2 (15.4 overs)
Sword At A Bat Fight - 141/5 (20 overs)
Polaris Supremacy Gang - 149/6 (19.1 overs)
Middle Of Scenic Nowhere - 148/9 (20 overs)
--------------------------------------------------
Group C
Drug Facility - 155/4 (20 overs)**
The Aristocrat - 155/2 (20 overs)
Home To Esferos' Most Baffling Language - 144/7 (15 overs)*
Corporate Invasion Landing Point - 141/6 (20 overs)
--------------------------------------------------
Group D
Your Friendly Neighbourhood Landmine Junta - 142/7 (20 overs)*
Guess Who Won The Civil War - 198/8 (20 overs)*
Frozen Northern Hippies - 146/6 (20 overs)
Adblocker Required - 164/2 (20 overs)
--------------------------------------------------
* = Denieria, Fhaengshia, Dalimbar & Zoran have not yet submitted official logos for their cricket team.
** = This is not the official Dilberian "cricket" team logo, we just put it there for laughs. We're not sorry.
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Somewhere in the executive capital Great Parndon (Specifically, next to a road waiting for the transport to arrive.)
King/Tsar Mečislavs I of House Deben: Well this isn't exactly the most glamorous way to get to the T20 World Cup if I'm being honest. I feel very conspicuous right now.
Prime Minister Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani 'Clarkson': To be quite frank, the nation you and I preside over isn't exactly the most high end nation on this planet. In fact, I'd say we are one of the furthest from high end.
Mečislavs Deben: I know that, but come on. I'm the King, the head of state, and you're the Prime Minister, the head of government. Don't you think that we, holding the two highest posts in the land, should be getting at least a little bit of luxury when we travel?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Don't say that too loudly, that mob over there will tear us asunder if you do.
Mečislavs Deben: Those hippies currently exchanging doses of drugs? Not bloody likely.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: They are on Dilberian drugs by the looks of it.
Mečislavs Deben: How in the name of all that's holy did Dilberian drugs make it into this country?!
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Don't ask me, ask the border officials.
Mečislavs Deben: Let's just leave it then. Hmm? Is that our ride?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: It has arrived, earlier than usual might I add. That is quite rare when it comes to things related to me.
Mečislavs Deben: Uh, hang on a minute! There's quite an elephant in the room.
Mečislavs Deben: It's a hearse! It's what you put dead people in, you imbecile.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Yes, it is a hearse. More specifically this is the Ecnalubma, the hearse that James May converted into an ambulance. He allowed us to use it so long as we didn't make any mess whatsoever in the car.
Mečislavs Deben: I can't believe we have to go to Larxia in this.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: It's brilliant! There's even a lovely bed and chair in the back if you want to relax in comfort.
Mečislavs Deben: Well, nothing I can do about it, let's get going. Hey you, person in the tow truck, thanks for bringing this over.
'Person in the Tow Truck': You're welcome Kingie. Also, I have a name.
Mečislavs Deben: Yes yes, I realise that Jeremy.
Jeremy Clarkson: No problem, see you around.
Mečislavs Deben: Goodbye.
Jeremy Clarkson: Every bone in May's crotch. That's what I'm going to break.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Uhm... right, whatever. Shall we go now?
???: Hold on just a minute
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Kaiser? Isaac and Patrick too? What are you all doing here?
Đe Kaiser: We're here to catch a ride with you to the T20 World Cup. The team left us behind when they took the tractors there.
Patrick Manev: Indeed. As a bonus, the funds I can get from helping the health service in the Larxian nation can go towards finding a way to wake my comatose wife.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Wait, Tracy Manev is still in a coma? I'm surprised you're still going. You're quite the persistent healthcare professional.
Patrick Manev: I won't stop for anything or anyone. I will use everything in mine and my Hands of Asclepius' power to achieve my goal.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Praise where it's due, that's quite lovely.
Mečislavs Deben: Doesn't change the fact that you're meant to be in prison for unleashing that virus group NEO-GUILT back in 1415.
Đe Kaiser: Actually Patrick's sentence ended a couple of weeks ago. Went under the radar amongst all the news headlines about nonsense that no one needs to know about.
Mečislavs Deben: I see. That's the most lenient sentence I've ever bared ears to.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Regardless, we're all here now so you three players can get into the back of the 'hearsebulance'. Actually speaking of medical jargon, the player Derek, a master surgeon, and assistant coach Eirin, a miracle pharmacist, are both part of the same profession as Patrick.
Mečislavs Deben: That saves me having to ask about the HNDK's medical team.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Aye. What amazes me is that Kaiser there is still going at this point. The sporting legend has been at it for 25 years now.
Đe Kaiser: I am a fighting machine. My name? Đe Kaiser! I don't intend to retire anytime soon.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Alright we get the point. We're leaving now alright, so get in the hearse already. Come on Isaac, you're coming too you know.
Isaac Myroshnychenko: Okay.
Mečislavs Deben: I'm amazed this 5 year old is even here. Are HNDK really this desperate?
Patrick Manev: I have heard legends about this boy. Apparently he managed to survive battles with his mother, Satan, himself, his own corpse, the Antichrist, Satan but much larger, his mother but undead, the sin of greed with a huge ass buff, the embodiment of his own death, the embodiment of his own mind, the embodiment of radical televangelists, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse and THE false god. This relates to the Church of the Countryside by the way. Besides, he should at least be good enough to do this if the HNDK have chosen him.
Isaac Myroshnychenko: N-no, I just...
Đe Kaiser: Go home Patrick, you're drunk.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Are you sure this isn't just him venting his childhood trauma at the hands of his abusive religious fanatic of a mum? I mean, that's why he permanently lives with his father now if I recall correctly.
Isaac Myroshnychenko: Yeah.
Patrick Manev: On second thought, that idea is far more grounded in reality.
Mečislavs Deben: That's cleared up then. Also, you can put your hat and suit in the back with the others.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Cheers for clearing that up, slightly unnecessary but I'll be grateful nonetheless.
Mečislavs Deben: Enough dawdling around, hit the accelerator Clarkov! I'll just inform the HNDK of the need to change their official roster posted earlier on.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Let our trip to Larxia and the T20 World Cup commence! About time too.
With that, the three players, the king/tsar and the prime minister all departed in the Ecnalubma for the trip to Larxia. They would drop the players off at the training grounds just beyond the outskirts of San Dojas, where the Faltech Arena the HNDK will be playing their T20 cricket matches is, before heading to the hotel where the king/tsar and PM would stay for the duration of the tournament. The Ecnalubma would be parked safely in the facilities nearby the hotel.
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Hertfordshire and Jammbo Cricket - T20 World Cup Preview
Hello and welcome to the first ever report by HAJC on the T20 World Cup here in Larxia. Well, when we say here in Larxia, we have only just arrived in this country. Despite being one of the closest nations to Larxia itself - the western-most part of Hertfordshire & Jammbo is even in the same time zone as Larxia - we were the absolute last team to arrive and for once it wasn't due to getting lost on the way here. What happened was that our team coach actually broke just before we left. There was no other proper mode of transport we could use, so take a good guess what we arrived in Larxia with...
We aren't making this up. Hertfordshire and Jammbo is widely known as the countryside bumpkin nation, full of farms and wonderful scenery. At no point did we think it would have to go this far though. Those vehicles attached to the third one was on all three tractors in different forms.
Once we had finally arrived, we had a 'chat' with the coachbuilders behind our transport. Let's just say it was full of colourful language and a whole lot of furious shouting. Still, it could be worse, and then it was. We found out much to our dismay that the opening ceremony for the T20 World Cup had already finished some time ago. The misery was piled on by reports we found in the local news that United Adaikes made it earlier than us despite being a 20 hour flight away. Now that's just humiliating, our image as the 'dismal isolated farmers country' really is being confirmed to the rest of the world.
Mind you, just because we missed the ceremony, that by no means results in us not being there at all. We are not letting our presence go unreported. Instead of going down to the training ground, we headed straight for where the opening ceremony had taken place. Armed with the national flag of our nation St. Harlow's Cross, Faust Ḩarełeudeiem who is the captain of the Hertfordia Heathens burst through the stadium taking the janitors completely by surprise and just planted the Hertfordian flag where it is meant to be. This is somewhat normal to us lot.
This is Faust Ḩarełeudeiem, the captain of Hertfordshire and Jammbo Cricket's team (Hertfordia Heathens/Snowstorm/Shrine Maidens) as well as the former manager of the Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union's team. Don't question it. His first action in Larxia was to plant a flag far later than everyone else. The manager was going to do it but he was too busy shouting on the phone to the coachbuilders some more. This guy can be subtlely threatening without even trying.
Well, now that we have that out of the way we can introduce ourselves. We are those whose names shall never be uttered on this news service. Yeah, we aren't giving our names, mainly because we actually stole the job from the original presenters by sending them through a rather detailed and sinister gate. Even if it was a gate to Hell it wouldn't be surprising. If you really must know we are: Editor - Damian Hadjiev, Reporter - Frank Wezapad, Deputy Reporter - Yoshikage Ķile. It's not exactly much but we are more than capable of doing reporting. Apart from the fact we know next to nothing about cricket. But let's just gloss that to one side, we shall end the preview of the tournament with the news that we are in Group B with Glenpavia/Blue Bubble, Cambria & Teralyon as the third seed. Therefore we shall be playing Cambria in our first match. Goodbye for now, see you lot back home some other day.
An accurate representation of the training facilities that Hertfordshire and Jammbo have to use while here in Larxia. Honest.
- iOctagon, Giovanniland, Zoran and 4 others
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7
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The official entry form of Hertfordshire and Jammbo Cricket, submitted for the T20 World Cup/Đe ȩfisl èntri fočim av Häřtferdsierndeambeu Ķrikit, seḃmited će Ț20 Wḙld Kap/Нa Афитсиaлeн фоpme нa Kaтфeдcиe aи Kaнфитьeлук Kpикeт, Пeудaдeни зa нa T20 Cвeтa Kaпe
Logo
Twenty20 Names*
Hertfordia Heathens | Hertfordia Snowstorm | Hertfordia Shrine Maidens
The Roster - Section 1: Players
Name Age Gender Birthplace Number Batting Hand Bowling Style Role County Cricket Club League Lisa Lazarenko 4 Female Kosapki 12 Right Knuckleball All-Rounder Wesfolk Dívien 3 Yuuya Kovalchuk 17 Male Turabryn 11 Left Yorker All-Rounder Dishforthshire Dívien 1 Diego Adamov 30 Male Jajov 1 Left Leg Break All-Rounder Stourtonshire Dívien 3 Reimu Hadjieva 20 Female Brvý 8 Right Slider All-Rounder Greater Parndon Dívien 2 Derek Sokolov 29 Male Mocali 19 Right Top Spin (Leg Spinner) All-Rounder Eardingshire Dívien 3 Rago Niedra ??? Male Tiszason 18 Left The Doosra All-Rounder Isle of Bhlak Dívien 3 Kyosuke Miķelsons ??? Male Căuneț 13 Left Top Spin (Off Spinner) All-Rounder Worsbroughshire Dívien 1 Richard Hammond 51 Male Căureni 15 Left Flipper All-Rounder Orstenshire Dívien 1 Yomiel Stasyuk ??? Male Ellona 25 Right Bouncer All-Rounder Eversdenshire Dívien 3 Naho Sotirova 17 Female Racikie 5 Right Leg Cutter All-Rounder Draytonshire Dívien 2 Patchouli Knalide 100 Female Curdoara 14 Left Off Break All-Rounder Stevingtonshire Dívien 3 Dynamis Dudka ??? Male Lučebín 4 Left In Swinger All-Rounder Wortonshire Dívien 3 Ryosuke Tīrelis 24 Male Dudinňová FC3S Right Arm Ball All-Rounder Pailtonshire Dívien 1 Faust Ḩarełeudeiem ??? Male Krasnorovsk 6 Right Carrom Ball All-Rounder Wildenshire Dívien 2 Robert Cherganski 27 Male Krasnoahorod 3 Left Slower Ball All-Rounder South Maritsex Dívien 2 Isaac Myroshnychenko 5 Male Zhabitrykaw 666 Right Beamer All-Rounder Norsex Dívien 1 Đe Kaiser 41 Male Skibrowna 22 Right Out Swing All-Rounder Autumset Dívien 1 Patrick Manev 52 Male Krhumín 20 Left Reverse Swing All-Rounder Buritonshire Dívien 1 The Roster - Section 2: Coach & Assistant Coach
Name Age Gender Birthplace Initials Club League Maxie Mazurenko 40 Male Baralyna MM Dnieper-Stour Dívien 3 Eirin Yaneva Extremely Old Female Rekoml EY Eientei Darlham Dívien 2 The Founding Year
Established in 1419 (as Hertfordia Cricket)
The Stadium
Tsar's Cricket Ground - Capacity: 30,000
The HNDK Kit
Roleplay Permissions
Injure my players: Yes
Dismiss batmen: Yes
Deliberate unfair play: No
Godmod injuries: No
Godmod scoring: No
Godmod other events: NoStyle Modifier
+3.17
Hertfordshire and Jammbo - Stuffing logic into the boot since the dawn of time.
*There was a vote by the Hertfordshire and Jammbo Ministry of Sport on which names the cricket team should have. The combined results of the national votes were tallied for the top 3. Hertfordians & their close ethnic relatives voted for 'Hertfordia Heathens', Jammbians & their own close ethnic relatives voted for 'Hertfordia Snowstorm' and 'Hertfordia Shrine Maidens' was the option that came 2nd in both sides.
- United Adaikes and Zoran
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2
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The first T20 World Cup will be attended by the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire and Jammbo.
- Zoran and United Adaikes
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2
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Changes to the Hertfordshire and Jammbo factbook (as of 03/05/2021):
Maps updated to bring them into line with the current situation
Addition of Hoddesdon (Legislative Capital) and Maidenhall (Judicial Capital) alongside Great Parndon (Executive Capital)
Adoption of a Greater Coat of Arms
- Zoran, United Adaikes and Giovanniland
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3
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Post-Tournament Report
Thank you all for reading our absolute final report on the HAJFF and the tournament as a whole. What, you thought we were gone? Hah! You'll never truly be rid of us! Even if a closing ceremony has occurred, we'll always be around to have our fill. It has been a fantastic ride as we make our way to overall 14th place in the World Cup of Football registering ourselves in the first matches of our history as a mid-table team. With our incredible variability and ruthless gegenpressing style we were able to make a strong start and quickly become the team to watch for exciting matches, such as the dominating 3-2 win over Italia. The Paradigm Compass also dominated the match against Arifiyyah until they pulled out a dramatic last minute comeback to ruin our fine day. After comfortably beating Reçueçn and being the only team to score against them at all in their run, we found ourselves on the end of what at the time was the Football World Cups biggest upset. A 5-1 defeat to Irador who were in the middle of a mini-renaissance of sorts, a scoreline that brought great shock to not only us, but to Irador themselves too. Considering our offensive style and their defensive style, this result was not expected. From there we kind of became boring, a 0-0 with the war-torn Zoran making us all fall asleep. Nevertheless we made it through to battle Larxia. After what must have been the most evenly matched game in the entire tournament, an 89th minute half-volley culminated all hopes of us bringing home the trophy. Larxia, who would eventually finish 2nd as well as have the top scorer (who failed to score against us), scraped through by the surface of their teeth. Thus came to an end our valiant efforts in the cup. Starting strong, collapsing in the middle, then coming back strong again only to suffer heartbreak at the very end.
Night of Fire - The Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation fans theme (
Stolenborrowed from Night of Fire OOC)Nightmare of the Paradigm Years - The Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation theme (
Stolenborrowed from Nightmare of the School Years OOC)The HAJFF actually has a few anthems to it. One for the Federation itself, another for the team and one submitted as an entry by the fans, for the fans.
In our last report, we said that we had something in the works. Unfortunately, our budget was pretty poor for it. But we still got it done, below is the link to the Hertfordshire and Jammbo analysis of the participants in the World Cup of Football. (WARNING: IRREGULARITIES ARE ALMOST CERTAIN)
The HAJ Low Budget Analysis of the Teams in the WCoF
As for us, here is a quick summary of the matches we had. Nothing too big, just a run-down.
Italia 2-3 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Roger Runcis, Yuuma Novak, Afuro Tytarenko Hertfordshire & Jammbo 2-3 Arifiyyah Satoshi Melderis, Eiki Sproģe Reçueçn 0-2 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Galeem Gaisma, Sanae Kotenko Hertfordshire & Jammbo 1-5 Irador Mettaton EXH Zoran 0-0 Hertfordshire & Jammbo N/A Larxia 1-0 Hertfordshire & Jammbo N/A
We would now like to extend a glass of whatever drink we so happen to choose to the hosts United Adaikes, who performed a very fine job with hosting this tournament. As well, the HAJFF offers a belated congrats to the winners Nieubasria, runners-up Larxia and third place Tara & Cambray. We are admittedly quite dismayed that Polaris has yet again taken the most top spots, but at least Andolia finally made a name for itself. Too bad it wasn't us lot. The bitter taste of truth indeed.
- United Adaikes, Arifiyyah and iOctagon
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3
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Round of 16 Review
VS.Larxia 1-0 Hertfordshire and Jammbo (HT: LAR 0-0 HAJ)
Injuries:
Hart Vecunmieks (31'), Asriel Dreimanis (74')
Pre-Match Review
Welcome to this, the last of our reviews of the HAJFF this tournament. The reason is because after a ridiculously close battle, we fell to a last minute goal that sent Larxia through by the very skin of their teeth. Actually, both teams had times when they were superior but overall despite the score it proved to be a well fought match between them and us lot in the Paradigm Compass. Let's be honest though, we came close to scoring far more than they did across the span of the match. Even if the defence has been sub par, our attack was still one of the most dangerous and possibly even feared in the entire World Cup of Football. Those in Giovanniland weren't kidding when they called us 'one of the strongest teams'. Come on, we're taking all compliments we can get. Silver lining, people! Of course, nothing of note happened before the match and that's okay. We're still rather miffed about the end result though. Only 1-0? Seriously, it should have been something like a 5-4 result. Even if they had still won in this preferable scenario it would make for a better loss than this.
How we feel about the way we lost. The fact that we lost at all miffs us, but the way it happens is what sends our collective heads into envisioning this picture of RM Richard Hammond.
First Half Review
Larxia, being the so-called 'home' side, kicked the match off. Amazingly, despite the drabness that was our 0-0 stalemate with Zoran, the first half of this encounter had even less to report on. All we can discuss is that Hart Vecunmieks, our reliable if ageing goalkeeper bit the dust with a severe injury. Dharkon Tumsa took stage in the goal and proved to be brilliant enough to block a superb effort from one of the Larxian players, not with their hands because it was too far off to reach normally, but with their hair. Yes this makes little sense to us as well, but their hair is less of a hairdo and more a highly loose black and dark purple thorn bush of misery. We believe it was in minute 37 if not mistaken. It almost popped the ball right there, luckily it survived with the first half continuing to bring pretty much nothing to the fore. BOOOOORING!
OFF | ONSecond Half Review
We began the second half and truth be told it was far better than the first. In fact, it was such a feat that we are not going to write a ton about it, not because there was nothing to write about, but because we were almost stunned into silence by what was unfolding. A furious back and forth with amazing performances in attack by both teams, especially ours, and miraculously excellent performances by the 2 respective goalkeepers to somehow keep the score level at none a piece. That was until the 89th minute when a shot by Larxia was well saved by Dharkon Tumsa to go out for a corner, which some random dude called Leo Messy lobbed in. Is he meant to be the centre of attention on their side? Either way, the corner was well defended, but the goalkeeper was not prepared for the sudden half-volley that came after, which bounced meekly underneath them and into the net, effectively handing Larxia a win which truth be told should not have happened. At least not that way. They had so many good chances, how did they just score at such a late point? Likewise how did we not score at all? That is all there is to say. Oh, apart from the fact that Asriel Dreimanis, who replaced Bello Jēkabsons in the starting line-up due to his friend Ongo Vidopliassova's birthday back home, fell to a bad injury in the 74th minute and was replaced by an girl from a ridiculously naturally cut off island that lives around 130-140 years behind everyone else with a bad understanding of modern clothing, Chikage Alexova. She's also pretty knowledgeable though not nearly to the extent that Mina Maneva and Lisa Lazarenko are. There, now we can end. Apart from one thing, we heard from the hosts United Adaikes after they were knocked out too that they were rooting for us lot to win Group C. It's real pleasant to know that even in the worldly equivalent of a small cold village in the corner of the room we still have other nations who cheer us on. The hosts no less too. Huh, guess people really do root for the underdogs.
OFF | ONPost-Match Review
Of course, there is no need for a proper post-match review. All there is to know is that we leave miffed but ultimately comforted knowing the aforementioned information and the fact that we could at least put in a performance for our fans to be proud of, ensuring that we departed the Football World Cup in a blaze of glory. Larxia remain in the tournament and will do battle with Fujai who edged Santos-Dominius out in a narrow but equally thrilling 4-3 encounter. They are 1 of 3 Andolian nations left in the tournament, alongside Irador and Nagaraningrad. If we can't win it, then we go for you three. Whether it be the Nagaraningradians, Larxians or Iradorians, the HAJFF puts their support behind each one to take home the World Cup for not only themselves, but for Andolia as a whole. Show the world that ours is the premium continent! Also, we will not finish posting. We will do calculations on the attacks and defences of the teams, who scored or blocked out the most in total and per match to find out what truly were the most dangerous teams in the tournament.
With that now done, it is time to depart from our posts. Thanks all for reading and er, goodbye!
- Zoran, Arifiyyah and United Adaikes
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3
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Matchday 5 Review
VS.Zoran 0-0 Hertfordshire & Jammbo (HT: ZOR 0-0 HAJ)
Pre-Match Review
Welcome one and all to this review. It is of the final group stage match against Zoran which despite ending in the most drab draw you could think of, still ensured that we went through in 4th place in Group C. That damn shock defeat to Irador ruined our prospects for challenging the top. You might be wondering why we have no notes on goals, injuries or even any yellow card or red cards. The first one is blatantly obvious, it's right up on the scoreline. As for the others, this was without a doubt the most drab match in Group C, possibly in the entire tournament so far. So much for the Paradigm Compass being an exciting team. We aren't totally sure what happened, some say that the Zoranian refugees and the Hertfordian mafia cancelled each other out, much like how our team and theirs cancelled each other on the pitch. Due to the terrible boredom that resulted from this game this will likely be the shortest edition yet. We'll still try though, because we're professionals. Certainly more professional than some nations we know.
The match was as dull as it gets. We're thankful then that a bandaged PM Clarkov Furutani turned up with the mafia to sort of spice things up. Also, who said we couldn't use the same picture twice.
First Half Review
Do not kid yourselves, this review is going to be more of a recap. Lack of detail because we can only write so much about this. Some fans have attested to seeing a crowd of Zoranian refugees attempting to storm the pitch and hold up our players but claim they were dealt with just fine. Then apparently the mafia turned up, followed shortly by Prime Minister Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani. The operation to heal his stab wound from around 2 matches prior had worked much faster than expected and he had turned up wearing that same garb he was wearing pre-tournament. The nostalgia effect, may haps. Either way, fans then claimed to have seen the mafia force the refugees off the pitch completely, all while the match was being played at the same time. Talk about supposed early drama. But that didn't happen throughout all the time spent playing. We cannot really say much at all therefore about the first half other than that. We effectively cancelled each other out. Their team has a far worse attack, but a far better defence so really the game played out more like a Zoranian match than a Hertfordian match in the end.
Second Half Review
More of the same really. The only thing that got fans even remotely interested in this half was noticing the awful kits that the Paradigm Compass were wearing. But even that couldn't keep them awake forever and soon many fans had left the stadium. Like in the first half, very little of note occurred and in the end neither team really deserved to get anything other than a draw. And that was it. Full time, a scoreless draw.
Post-Match Review
What did we tell you, huh? Lacklustre effort to go with a lacklustre match. It's only fitting. With that, the group stages are over, Irador having recovered from a bad start to win the group entirely, bringing forth a coup on Arifiyyah who finished 2nd. They both finished with 10 points, +4 GD and 8 goals scored, but Irador topped the group by a hair due to virtue of defeating Arifiyyah 2-1. Zoran finished 3rd with 7 points and a 0 GD. Us on the other hand came 4th with 7 points and due to that disaster of a match against Irador also ended with a lowly -2 GD. Reçueçn was unable to capitalise, being held to a draw by Italia who got their first point of the tournament too little too late. Reçueçn came 5th with 6 points and Italia finished last with just 1 point.
Next Time...
Next time, eh? A round of 16 match with Larxia, who won Group B and have come off the back of a 5-0 demolition of Fhaengshia who were eliminated due to that and other results.
VS.Now it is time to depart, cheers for reading. We are off to the tower now to have our heads cut off (not really). Goodbye.
- Larxia, Arifiyyah, United Adaikes and 2 others
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5
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Matchday 4 Review
VS.Hertfordshire and Jammbo 1-5 Irador (HT: HAJ 0-2 IRA)
Goal:
Mettaton EXH (48')
Yellow Card:
Ike Gribusts (90')
Injury:
Eiki Sproģe (14')
Pre-Match Review
Hello and welcome to the matchday 4 review. As you all know, this review will tackle the match we played against Irador. We must warn you, it is highly unlikely that you will be prepared for what is to come in this report. To be honest, the events that unfolded during the match came as a shock to not only the HAJFF, but to Irador as well. not to mention practically everyone keeping tabs on the events more than likely couldn't believe what they were seeing. Seriously, nothing could have prepared either team for the absolute disaster of a game that we had to endure. Did the calamity that unfolded yesterday hurt team mentality? Surely that wasn't it, no signs of mental degrading was found by Sports Therapist Vekar Griķis. We simply cannot find any feasible explanation for our devastating defeat, so we will just chock it down to a combination of atrocious luck on our end and an outlandishly brilliant performance on the Iradorian end. Make no mistake though, we will not take this lying down, therefore we would like all reading to ask themselves a simple question. Will the HAJFF do anything in it's power, no matter how unconventional it is, in order to aim for the winner's spot in this World Cup of Football? Let that surge through your minds, while we prepare to begin the review of the ill-fated match itself.
In reference to the question just earlier, we think this photo taken in one of the hotel rooms (not that of the person in the photo, fans know who it is) demonstrates our point well enough. Of course we are. Nothing else could be expected coming from us lot.
First Half Review
Irador, being the technical 'home' side here, were the ones to start the match. Now they have a very defensive style, while we have a rather offensive style. Naturally both teams expected it to be a case of Iradorian defence versus Hertfordian attack. Whichever one was superior on the day would determine whether the results would be a near goalless encounter or a potential massacre courtesy of the Paradigm Compass. The former seemed like the more probable one, though with how many goals have come in matches involving us lot, the latter was not something to be thrown out the window completely. Early in the first half, the resident Yama ended up having to begin a stint on the side-lines due to a foul committed by Osel who saw a yellow card for his actions. Too bad for her, she can't hand down a damning verdict on the culprit given that they are not under her jurisdiction. On for the Yamaxanadu came Mettaton EXH, the greatest creation of a scientist who acts as the successor to one of our players, W. D. Gavrilov. Everywhere is a stage for this robot with a soul. Roughly midway through the first half, someone called Inkase successfully scored with a simple strike that needs no further explanation. Certainly that came as a surprise given that until then we had been the ones bombarding them with attacks. A counter-attack is probably what happened. That seems reasonable. After that, we upped the anti landing more painful blows to the Iradorian back line who were beginning to crumble under the relentless pressure. But in the 38th minute, someone on Irador, namely Yedmida, had an epiphany. Why were they constantly defending and allowing themselves to take this ruthless pattern of play from the HAJFF?! At any moment the defensive wall would be breached and then it ran the major risk of being turned into a slaughter. He discussed the plan with his teammates, the full-backs Matsjen & Oskoc, and set it into motion following a crossbar shot by the HAJFF. Yedmida quickly rushed forward ball in tow stunning all in the Irador camp including the unhappy looking manager. But the full-backs knew the plan. They successfully cut in behind midfield lines before Matsjen somehow hoofed a long ball to Oskoc on the other side of the pitch, catching the HAJFF defenders off guard and slotting one in past goalkeeper Hart Vortex to make it 2-0 to Irador. Imagine our shock! Even the usually expressionless Manager Frisk Dachev was surprised. Certainly the opposition were too. Half time arrived quicker than expected and through 2 out of nowhere goals Irador had a somewhat commanding lead over the Paradigm Compass. Tactics and formation patterns would need to be altered in order to turn things around. As for Irador, watching that second goal might have given them a rebellious thought, one that involves saying 'screw that' to the teams entire tactical structure. It was obvious that this new approach was working. We can't say for sure though, because we are not them. We are us. Obvious statement of the century there.
OFF | ON
Second Half Review
With many a thing changing and many a thing staying completely the same, we decided it was high time to begin the second half. We began it in style, quickly turning the pitch into a stage show for the fans of both teams, but primarily our fans, to sit on the edge of their seats at the exciting football being utilized by the HAJFF. Of course, all shows need a star to be at the centre, and who better than the Paradigm Compass's resident performer and robot with a SOUL Mettaton EXH. Let's face it, everyone was focused on him from the beginning of the second half right up to when he brought one back for us with those colossal legs of his. Honestly, those legs could probably crush a rock between them. No wonder the ratings went through the roof. Unfortunately we could not make a show out of the remainder of the match, because Irador appeared to have decided to abandon all defensive reason and just go full on attack rampage. Whether their staff actually agreed to this, or if it was even like that at all. No matter what it was, this Irador team was different from the team that only scored 1 goal in their previous 3 matches. This one seemed to be a completely different animal. If the old Irador was an unmoving brick wall that let few through, then the new Irador was a road roller being plunged from on high, most likely by a bisexual vampire bloke screaming WRYYYYYYYYYY! At least, that's what our minds envision. Rightly so too, as Irador soon made it 3-1 as substitute Kampps scored a wonderful effort after beating right defender W. D. Gavrilov despite the many, er, floating hands? OK then, we guess. He is a formal royal scientist for King Mečislavs I so he probably found a way to do... that. We'll show a picture to demonstrate what we are talking about after the second half review is done. With the two goal disadvantage restored, morale threatened to collapse but the managing duo Frisk Dachev & Flandre Sotirova were having none of that b------- [CENSORED]. After a lengthy talk to the whole team, their morale was restored and a new determination to fight on was wrought. It almost paid off, for the Paradigm Compass came close numerous times, even hitting the crossbar or post a whopping 4 times in the span of 10 minutes. It is rather depressing to write then that Inkase scored his second goal for Irador that day to pretty much put the game to bed. Still, we kept on fighting. Even if we were going to lose, we would go out fighting. The fans undoubtedly wouldn't like it if our lot just keeled over and died in the face of a shock massacre. As the game reached its climax, Ike decided he had to test his teammates patience again and fouled a member of the opposition while backtracking all the way to the final third to help the defence. He was booked, now holding the risk of being replaced in the first team permanently by Galeem Gaisma. A threat unlikely to go through. Yevovic stepped up for the Irador free kick in a dangerous position. He booted it in after it deflected off W. D. Gavrilov's tall and slim body structure. 5-1 to Irador, with what turned out to be the final kick of the game. This was utterly humiliating on so many levels. Irador quickly chocked it up to incredibly good luck but a performance like that just doesn't warrant the good luck explanation. The look of surprise and awe on their faces said it all really, they were not expecting this result to happen either, not even remotely close. We have no more things to say about it, the match really speaks for itself. Full time.
These are those many hands we were on about earlier. Lots of colours, huh. Probably mechanical. They do look eerily realistic though.
Post-Match Review
Like we said earlier, this game supposedly had the luck factor involved but we simply can't deflect onto that after that embarrassing defensive display. We knew our defence wasn't the best but that really did take the cake. Eiki is out for 6 matches with a medial collateral ligament sprain. Therefore, Mettaton EXH will be on in her place. Meanwhile the recoveries of Damian Hristov, Satori Kornijchuk and Satoshi Melderis are progressing smoothly. Bello Jēkabsons has fully recovered from his own injury in a slightly quicker time than expected. Turning to the group stage table now, that loss means we sit 4th place with 6 points. Arifiyyah are on top and with 1 hand firmly on the concept of winning Group C entirely. Irador, who scored 5 of their 6 goals against us, are in 2nd with 7 points while Zoran remain 3rd following a 2-0 defeat to Reçueçn, who sit in 5th with 5 points breathing down both ours and Zoran's necks heavily, as well as Irador's neck slightly. Oh and if anyone questions why we put the teams the other way round in the result to the official order (in which we were the 'away' side), we are going by the first match order posted by the Adaikesian hosts which pit 5 (us) as the 'home' team in the match and 6 (Irador) as the 'away' team. We are not changing that, deal with it.
Next Time...
The next match is the final match of the group stages. We are up against Zoran. This team appear to be having political-based problems in relations between the manager and the players who have been making their own politically charged statements which has angered the higher ups at the NACZ from what we're seeing. Not that we truly know anything about it, we don't pay attention to Zoranian politics. Not even the civil war raging there though we do prefer the monarchists.
VS.Guess what, we have no more stuff to say! On that complete non-bombshell it is time to end. We thank you all for watching, we're off to get very drunk, goodnight!
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Matchday 3 Review
VS.Reçueçn 0-2 Hertfordshire and Jammbo (HT: REÇ 0-1 HAJ)
Goals:
Galeem Gaisma (7'), Sanae Kotenko (58')
Yellow Cards:
Roger Runcis (35'), Konngara Adamov (74', 86')
Injuries:
Bello Jēkabsons (54'), Satoshi Melderis (61')
Pre-Match Review
Greetings, this is matchday review 3 on the victory over Reçueçn. Now we start this report off with an important question. What is it about us that attracts these semi-odd occurrences during matches? During the previous match both goal scorers came on as replacements for players unable to attend or carry on, and for around 29 minutes all 3 of our defensive midfielders were down to injury. We actually had to bring on the First Team Coach, her name is Karen Kovalenko, to play in Satoshi's place. These weird things just seem to be drawn to the HAJFF like a magnet. Replacing Ike Gribusts was Galeem Gaisma, a person so associated with light that they have the entire visible colour spectrum as the inside colour of their hair. The outside is completely white with streaks of light coloured gold all along it. No wonder fans call them the 'Lord of Light'. We still need to mention what happened before the match, so we shall, with the staff members taking precautions in case the DM Satoshi had to be taken off. It was a loose suggestion from Reserves Manager Asgore Dreimanis, to which the Head of Athletic Performance Junpei Tsymbalyuk quickly agreed. Of course, you know who was chosen to volunteer as the new player if player availability in defensive midfield reached crisis point. Glad that they had sorted that kerfuffle out, the staff members re-joined with Kitman and Prime Minister Clarkov Furutani, who had somehow managed to waltz on into the crew out of seemingly nowhere. He also found a photo of someone's mother tied and gagged in a hard wooden chair with various bloody instruments littering the floor around her. Goodness knows how it ended up in his hands. He thought it would be a wise idea to show it to everyone and see if they knew anything. This, as it turned out, did not end very well. Now the Prime Minister has a stab wound in the chest thanks to the sword of Konngara, being transported to the local hospitals A&E Department for surgery. He will likely be gone for the rest of the tournament. Good job Clarkov you dingus. Quick, someone break the fight up before it turns into a corpse party!
Karen seems to be extremely protective of the lady in the photo, so much so that she grabbed Konngara's sword and tried to wedge it into Clarkov's face while madly accusing him of being the culprit of the aforementioned kidnapped lady phot. Turns out it's her own mother. Even so the levels of desperation and protectiveness here were far beyond average. Needless to say Assistant Manager Flandre Sotirova quickly blamed the Dalimbari, although no evidence at all pointed at them. What is wrong with these people?!
First Half Review
Thankfully we didn't have to bear witness to the untimely deaths of all the staff members. Let's return to canon now and start the first half review. Anyway, Reçueçn kicked off the game and we are sure we don't need to explain what happened next. Of course just like the other two games the HAJFF assumed control and after 7 minutes Galeem managed to blind the fans and players with an absolutely superb 37 yard curling effort into the top right corner. No, they literally blinded them. It's the one fans call the Lord of Light we're talking about here, come on! It's not often you see such a brilliant effort like that. The rest of the first half was not much to shout about, we done well in holding on to our lead. The yellow card received by Roger Runcis was but a small road bump in this. Remind him that that sort of reckless activity is what got him booted out of Troupe Handrica 13 years ago. Anyway, with a surprisingly uneventful first half complete, we returned to the team room silently thankful that the first half acted as a contrast to the utter chaos that ensued before the match began. To be perfectly honest, we at the HAJFF news room are thankful too. Still, we hoped the second half would provide more entertainment, as if that first half was what one of the tournament's most thrilling sides saw as adequate, then the fans are being disappointed. We are too, we were hoping to write more.
Second Half Review
Spoiler alert! The second half turned out in the end to be much better to watch than the first, for many reasons. First among which was bizarrely a minor injury to Bello Jēkabsons, which saw resident miracle worker Sanae Kotenko being substituted on for him. Sadly that injury was the least of the worries. Satoshi Melderis became injured, and it looked serious too. Great. Just what we needed, bring on the Karen is what raced through the mind of Manager Frisk Dachev. She was still in a complete mess, but she had to do it anyway. Otherwise no one would, for whatever convoluted reason. So at this point we now had a member of staff playing and needless to say this particular staff member was not in the right frame of mind. The opposition were slowly edging their way in. Not before a free kick was awarded for the foul on Satoshi though. Sanae skied it over the wall of opposing defenders and into the net, now what did we say about her being a miracle worker? Don't answer that, it was rhetorical for those dense people in the readers catalogue. From there it became an interesting match of the Paradigm Compass being generally better even with overall mentality damaged taking on a Reçueçn side that simply refused to stop trying until the bitter end. Getting on a bit into the latter stages and Konngara Adamov was handed a yellow card for a foul which was light but did make contact, so in the end we can admit that was justified. The second yellow card for the Astral Knight was certainly nothing but complete ridiculousness though. There was not even a hint of a foul there! Those team members on the bench and in the stands quickly spread thought that it was the bloody colouring of the sword Konngara owns that caused them to be given their marching orders. They didn't even do anything. Whatever, down to 10 players with the clock ticking to full time which eventually did arrive after a whopping 6 minutes of injury time, during which Reçueçn came close to a consolation goal but were ultimately thwarted by a last second defensive clearance from left defender Yuuma Novak. The end to an incredibly odd match had come, with a result that pleased us greatly in the end.
Post-Match Review
If you thought matchday 2 was packed, this one made it look like a chilly day at some ice cap somewhere back home. Bello was inflicted with nothing more than a simple minor calf muscle strain and he just needs to rest it for a match before returning. Satoshi however was diagnosed by Lisa Lazarenko as having suffered a moderate cartilage tear. That doesn't sound good. A 5 match minimum break is expected and effectively required for it to heal properly. Thank the goddess of victory then that Jeremy Clarkson has returned from his own stout of injury and is raring to break out the hammer again. Breathe a collective sigh at that with us, readers. Konngara being sent off for 2 yellows was not amusing, now we have to put someone in their place. Figure out who it is, you know the positions that everyone of us at the HAJFF is in. As for the status of Prime Minister Clarkov, he is awake and feeling unpleasant. Not like he isn't used to being attacked, but to actually be hit shocked him to a good degree. The stab wound wasn't fatal. We now sit in 2nd place in Group C overtaking Zoran on goals scored after they lost to Arifiyyah who went top. Careful, they could be the dark horse of this tournament.
Next Time...
Matchday 4 will have us against Irador, who after defeating Italia 1-0 sit 4th in the group with 4 points rather fittingly. They clearly still have the feeling that they can go through. Mind you, so do we and most other teams in this World Cup of Football.
VS.We really have nothing more to say so we thank you for reading and bid thee goodnight! Wow that was a shorter piece than expected.
- United Adaikes and Arifiyyah
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2
John Kramer:
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Faust 
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Steelbats, Not Steelbacks! - 132/4 (20 overs)
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II Summer Esferiad Roleplay/IC
in Roleplay - How the West Was Won
Posted
The Bauhaus Novel - Conversation Street - Episode 3: Review of Day 1
The Conversation Street jingle plays. It is a very jazzy jingle.
The schedule for Day 2 is here displayed on the screen. The organizers remembered to put Basketball in the correct slots this time so that's good.
So with James correcting his blunder and Jeremy swiftly replacing it with his own, the wait was now on for what Richard would mess up. We all know the wait won't be long. Now let's move on to leaving for the day. Some say that our files can dance like today's Conversation Street intro, and that Prince Marcarius uses our floor tiles for his transports brakes...
...O...kay then. Anyway, all we know is, we're probably being sued for libel. Goodnight!
"Welcome... to the real man's world." - Ringo Romanyuk