Clarkov
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Posts posted by Clarkov
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Nearby a construction site in San Dojas, some members of HNDK were having a pleasant discussion. Or at least, the closest thing to that.
Diego Adamov: So, anyone want some coffee? I would highly recommend it.
Reimu Hadjieva: Nah, I prefer sake if I'm honest and if not that then tea.
Diego Adamov: I'm going to resist the urge to call that blasphemy. What about you Derek, aren't you exhausted from that operation yesterday?
Derek Sokolov: Don't worry about it I'm fine. That sort of procedure actually mirrors my first ever successful operation.
Yomiel Stasyuk: If you're that good in the surgeon profession, then where the hell were you when I almost slumped over dead?!
Derek Sokolov: I can't be everywhere you know. Besides I'm not the only surgeon in the world.
Richard Hammond: Yeah Yomiel cut him some slack.
Yuuya Kovalchuk: Enough of this. What this reminds me of is that Tenjin place I was trapped in some while ago.
Kyosuke Miķelsons: If you start rambling on about Heavenly Host again I'm going to ask Derek to suture your lips shut.
Derek Sokolov: I will do no such thing!
Yuuya Kovalchuk: I'm just saying that this building site mirrors that place in that being killed in there and being killed by me are one and the same.
Diego Adamov: In what feasible way is that a truth?
Richard Hammond: More to the point, you just said that out loud in public.
Patrick Manev: Do I hear police sirens in the distance?
Patchouli Knalide: That's just Twisted Tempo.
Robert Cherganski: Okay, how is a spinning top of all things doing something like that?
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: Mad science can get you anywhere.
Yomiel Stasyuk: I just can't figure out why someone decided to make these a thing.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: This one, Twisted Tempo 145WD, was originally created by the energy and environmental researcher Dr. Ziggurat. It was meant to be the perfect energy source. Clean and renewable without any of the drawbacks.
Derek Sokolov: Well that's great!
Reimu Hadjieva: From the looks of things this is no longer the case.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: This is true. The good doctor was found guilty of highly unethical deeds carried out for the sake of creating Tempo.
Đe Kaiser: None of that detracts from the fact that this is almost entirely unrealistic. Next you're gonna tell me that there is now a whole sport related to these things.
Dynamis Dudka: There is. This is mine, Jade Jupiter S130RB.
Kyosuke Miķelsons: Oh give me strength, the fortune teller has got one too.
Naho Sotirova: Here I was thinking that the occult stuff me and Kou dabbled in was seen as unrealistic.
Yomiel Stasyuk: That's because it plainly is. Does it make you feel alive? Also, your mentors reporting is utter twaddle.
Diego Adamov: You've done it now.
Naho Sotirova: You're known as a dead man walking. Want me to make the dead part a reality?
Yomiel Stasyuk: I'm not afraid of you.
Reimu Hadjieva: Do you want me to exterminate you both?
Yomiel Stasyuk: Like your shrine maiden position means anything.
Reimu Hadjieva: Ah- Take that back right now!
Naho Sotirova: Don't try and stop me, miko! I'm not going to let him get away with his remarks.
Eirin Yaneva: Cease this squabbling or I'll give you all a dose of the most debilitating drug I can muster.
Reimu Hadjieva: You heard Eirin, back off. I wouldn't mess with the Hourai Pharmacist.
Yomiel Stasyuk: Ugh, fine.
Naho Sotirova: Not likely. Let me at him!
Eirin Yaneva: Someone restrain her already.
Robert Cherganski: Will do.
Naho Sotirova: Unhand me you twirling freak!
Richard Hammond: This has gone really off course. We were babbling on about unethical science or something.
Patchouli Knalide: When you really think about it, occultism and science are just alternate forms of magic.
Richard Hammond: What...
Patrick Manev: You know how Maxie said that we'd gotten more realistic? You've gone straight to fantasy.
Patchouli Knalide: It's true. Arguments will not occur over it.
Eirin Yaneva: I think we're all very tired by now.
Kyosuke Miķelsons: I know I am.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: All I know is that this Tempo is the greatest thing that Hertfordian science has ever come up with, or just any science period.
Yuuya Kovalchuk: I suspect you're going to tell Lisa that too.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem: If I must, then yes.
Đe Kaiser: That can't go anywhere good.
Richard Hammond: Like your performance in the loss to Cambria?
Derek Sokolov: That's a bit harsh Hammond.
Eirin Yaneva: Speaking of loss, yes we did do that, but no one ever said the path to the top was easy.
Dynamis Dudka: Do you see it too? The destiny, that has been laid out for us.
Patrick Manev: Here we go.
Richard Hammond: I see only one thing, and that's us lot and the others at the hotel on the winners podium!
Dynamis Dudka: I admire your confidence. No one can run from it, we will emerge from this T20 World Cup as the last one standing. For that is the will of the heavens, the fate determined by the stars.
Everyone present stared blankly at Dynamis, understanding the message but unsure of whether to believe in this 'will of the heavens' he put his trust in. Even still, one person wasn't paying attention. Yomiel had spotted his cat on top of a crane and guided the others' attention towards it. It was surprisingly interesting.
- United Adaikes, Zoran, embubbleblue and 1 other
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T20 World Cup Matchday 1 - Review - Defeat
149/6 (19.1 overs)
148/9 (20 overs)
Cambria won against Hertfordia Heathens by 4 wickets
Batting Runs Bats Fours Sixes
Đe Kaiser 7 5 0 1 Bowled
Yomiel Stasyuk 55 43 9 0 Bowled
Diego Adamov 11 12 0 0 Caught
Patchouli Knalide 40 18 7 2 Run out
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem 13 10 2 0 Not out
Dynamis Dudka 6 5 1 0 Bowled
Derek Sokolov 2 5 0 0 Caught
Reimu Hadjieva 10 10 1 0 Caught
Yuuya Kovalchuk 1 5 0 0 Bowled
Patrick Manev 3 7 0 0 Caught Scorers of Wickets:
Robert Cherganski (3), Richard Hammond (1), Kyosuke Miķelsons (1), Naho Sotirova (1)
Đe Kaiser - A typical performance really. A six on his first bat showed everyone that he still had it. The next few bats showed everyone that he really didn't.
Yomiel Stasyuk - Arguably the star performer for Hertfordia Heathens, needing the equivalent of 25 bats to reach a score of 55. Not bad for a so-called dead man walking. If anyone is wondering about the fact that he clearly got 18 runs with 0, that is possible in cricket. We found that out a few hours earlier.
Diego Adamov - Didn't exactly take things quickly. One run at a time here, not quite ideal for high run scoring.
Patchouli Knalide - The librarian of knowledge and shade, if not Yomiel then she was the top performer. Scoring 7 fours and 2 sixes, meaning she needed just 9 runs to make 40, before her progress screeched to a halt. No wonder, this 'Eastern style Western magician' is actually rather sickly and probably wasn't feeling well. Again.
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem - This guy probably wasn't expecting the arrival and flag plant debacle, so wasn't really on point when he came late on. If he was, we might have won this match. Still, he was still in by the time our allocated innings, and 20 overs, had concluded.
Dynamis Dudka: Didn't do much to help his case, either in selection for cricket matches or convincing his colleagues that the 'will of the heavens' actually exists. A solitary 4 was a highlight of the match though.
Derek Sokolov - Done almost nothing at all and just as well, for a citizen had become gravely injured just outside the stadium in a crash. We can report that he succeeded in the on-site operation.
Reimu Hadjieva - One name for Hertfordshire and Jammbo's cricket team is the Hertfordia Shrine Maidens, which came 3rd in the poll behind Heathens & Snowstorm. Enter the actual shrine maiden, who was one of the better performers really despite only earning 10 runs. That score isn't likely to help earn any shrine donations, what little she ever sees anyway.
Yuuya Kovalchuk - The solitary run followed by a lorry full of nothing. Unlike Derek, he had no excuse for that pitiful display.
Patrick Manev - Done rather well when he came on near the end. Consistent, but what looked like a clear six was cancelled with a superb catch right at the edge by a Cambrian fielder. Well done to that guy, through gritted teeth might we add. Despite the performance then, he had almost nothing to show for it.
So, if you are confused about this new reporting format, here we are to explain it. Each cricket result we have will receive the most complicated looking scoreboard we have ever seen as well as judgements on each of the batters that took part. We will also have the wicket takers, those who were successful in dismissing the opposition players below the main scoreboard itself. Do not ask us to report on it like the rugby and football lot do, because we know the square root of nothing about cricket. That, and also because if we did, the report would have the same levels of boredom as one of Prime Minister Clarkov's explanations. Death by boredom would be appropriate.
Anyway, as you all saw, we were narrowly defeated by the larger of the two Astorian nations,
Tara & CambrayCambria by 4 wickets. This is because Cambria surpassed our score by a single run with 4 wickets (that's 4 batters) to spare. They achieved this target with 5 bats remaining, so it really was crunch time when the final over of the second innings began. In our next match we shall do battle with Teralyon who were defeated by, er, Blue Bubble? Glenpavia? Oh whatever you get what we mean. So we shall see you on the next report. Also, we thought we would also give you results from other matches but in a way that will brighten up your days back in the dismal cold place we call home after our unfortunate loss. Never mind that the scores are already on display!Matchday 1 - Results
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Group A
Hosts Close By - 133/6 (14.1 overs)
Steelbats, Not Steelbacks! - 132/4 (20 overs)
From The Continent That Time Forgot - 94 (17.1 overs)*
Infernal Sponsor Islands - 187/7 (20 overs)
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Group B
Bluebublenpavia - 145/2 (15.4 overs)
Sword At A Bat Fight - 141/5 (20 overs)
Polaris Supremacy Gang - 149/6 (19.1 overs)
Middle Of Scenic Nowhere - 148/9 (20 overs)
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Group C
Drug Facility - 155/4 (20 overs)**
The Aristocrat - 155/2 (20 overs)
Home To Esferos' Most Baffling Language - 144/7 (15 overs)*
Corporate Invasion Landing Point - 141/6 (20 overs)
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Group D
Your Friendly Neighbourhood Landmine Junta - 142/7 (20 overs)*
Guess Who Won The Civil War - 198/8 (20 overs)*
Frozen Northern Hippies - 146/6 (20 overs)
Adblocker Required - 164/2 (20 overs)
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* = Denieria, Fhaengshia, Dalimbar & Zoran have not yet submitted official logos for their cricket team.
** = This is not the official Dilberian "cricket" team logo, we just put it there for laughs. We're not sorry.
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Somewhere in the executive capital Great Parndon (Specifically, next to a road waiting for the transport to arrive.)
King/Tsar Mečislavs I of House Deben: Well this isn't exactly the most glamorous way to get to the T20 World Cup if I'm being honest. I feel very conspicuous right now.
Prime Minister Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani 'Clarkson': To be quite frank, the nation you and I preside over isn't exactly the most high end nation on this planet. In fact, I'd say we are one of the furthest from high end.
Mečislavs Deben: I know that, but come on. I'm the King, the head of state, and you're the Prime Minister, the head of government. Don't you think that we, holding the two highest posts in the land, should be getting at least a little bit of luxury when we travel?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Don't say that too loudly, that mob over there will tear us asunder if you do.
Mečislavs Deben: Those hippies currently exchanging doses of drugs? Not bloody likely.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: They are on Dilberian drugs by the looks of it.
Mečislavs Deben: How in the name of all that's holy did Dilberian drugs make it into this country?!
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Don't ask me, ask the border officials.
Mečislavs Deben: Let's just leave it then. Hmm? Is that our ride?
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: It has arrived, earlier than usual might I add. That is quite rare when it comes to things related to me.
Mečislavs Deben: Uh, hang on a minute! There's quite an elephant in the room.
Mečislavs Deben: It's a hearse! It's what you put dead people in, you imbecile.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Yes, it is a hearse. More specifically this is the Ecnalubma, the hearse that James May converted into an ambulance. He allowed us to use it so long as we didn't make any mess whatsoever in the car.
Mečislavs Deben: I can't believe we have to go to Larxia in this.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: It's brilliant! There's even a lovely bed and chair in the back if you want to relax in comfort.
Mečislavs Deben: Well, nothing I can do about it, let's get going. Hey you, person in the tow truck, thanks for bringing this over.
'Person in the Tow Truck': You're welcome Kingie. Also, I have a name.
Mečislavs Deben: Yes yes, I realise that Jeremy.
Jeremy Clarkson: No problem, see you around.
Mečislavs Deben: Goodbye.
Jeremy Clarkson: Every bone in May's crotch. That's what I'm going to break.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Uhm... right, whatever. Shall we go now?
???: Hold on just a minute
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Kaiser? Isaac and Patrick too? What are you all doing here?
Đe Kaiser: We're here to catch a ride with you to the T20 World Cup. The team left us behind when they took the tractors there.
Patrick Manev: Indeed. As a bonus, the funds I can get from helping the health service in the Larxian nation can go towards finding a way to wake my comatose wife.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Wait, Tracy Manev is still in a coma? I'm surprised you're still going. You're quite the persistent healthcare professional.
Patrick Manev: I won't stop for anything or anyone. I will use everything in mine and my Hands of Asclepius' power to achieve my goal.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Praise where it's due, that's quite lovely.
Mečislavs Deben: Doesn't change the fact that you're meant to be in prison for unleashing that virus group NEO-GUILT back in 1415.
Đe Kaiser: Actually Patrick's sentence ended a couple of weeks ago. Went under the radar amongst all the news headlines about nonsense that no one needs to know about.
Mečislavs Deben: I see. That's the most lenient sentence I've ever bared ears to.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Regardless, we're all here now so you three players can get into the back of the 'hearsebulance'. Actually speaking of medical jargon, the player Derek, a master surgeon, and assistant coach Eirin, a miracle pharmacist, are both part of the same profession as Patrick.
Mečislavs Deben: That saves me having to ask about the HNDK's medical team.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Aye. What amazes me is that Kaiser there is still going at this point. The sporting legend has been at it for 25 years now.
Đe Kaiser: I am a fighting machine. My name? Đe Kaiser! I don't intend to retire anytime soon.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Alright we get the point. We're leaving now alright, so get in the hearse already. Come on Isaac, you're coming too you know.
Isaac Myroshnychenko: Okay.
Mečislavs Deben: I'm amazed this 5 year old is even here. Are HNDK really this desperate?
Patrick Manev: I have heard legends about this boy. Apparently he managed to survive battles with his mother, Satan, himself, his own corpse, the Antichrist, Satan but much larger, his mother but undead, the sin of greed with a huge ass buff, the embodiment of his own death, the embodiment of his own mind, the embodiment of radical televangelists, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse and THE false god. This relates to the Church of the Countryside by the way. Besides, he should at least be good enough to do this if the HNDK have chosen him.
Isaac Myroshnychenko: N-no, I just...
Đe Kaiser: Go home Patrick, you're drunk.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Are you sure this isn't just him venting his childhood trauma at the hands of his abusive religious fanatic of a mum? I mean, that's why he permanently lives with his father now if I recall correctly.
Isaac Myroshnychenko: Yeah.
Patrick Manev: On second thought, that idea is far more grounded in reality.
Mečislavs Deben: That's cleared up then. Also, you can put your hat and suit in the back with the others.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Cheers for clearing that up, slightly unnecessary but I'll be grateful nonetheless.
Mečislavs Deben: Enough dawdling around, hit the accelerator Clarkov! I'll just inform the HNDK of the need to change their official roster posted earlier on.
Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani: Let our trip to Larxia and the T20 World Cup commence! About time too.
With that, the three players, the king/tsar and the prime minister all departed in the Ecnalubma for the trip to Larxia. They would drop the players off at the training grounds just beyond the outskirts of San Dojas, where the Faltech Arena the HNDK will be playing their T20 cricket matches is, before heading to the hotel where the king/tsar and PM would stay for the duration of the tournament. The Ecnalubma would be parked safely in the facilities nearby the hotel.
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Hertfordshire and Jammbo Cricket - T20 World Cup Preview
Hello and welcome to the first ever report by HAJC on the T20 World Cup here in Larxia. Well, when we say here in Larxia, we have only just arrived in this country. Despite being one of the closest nations to Larxia itself - the western-most part of Hertfordshire & Jammbo is even in the same time zone as Larxia - we were the absolute last team to arrive and for once it wasn't due to getting lost on the way here. What happened was that our team coach actually broke just before we left. There was no other proper mode of transport we could use, so take a good guess what we arrived in Larxia with...
We aren't making this up. Hertfordshire and Jammbo is widely known as the countryside bumpkin nation, full of farms and wonderful scenery. At no point did we think it would have to go this far though. Those vehicles attached to the third one was on all three tractors in different forms.
Once we had finally arrived, we had a 'chat' with the coachbuilders behind our transport. Let's just say it was full of colourful language and a whole lot of furious shouting. Still, it could be worse, and then it was. We found out much to our dismay that the opening ceremony for the T20 World Cup had already finished some time ago. The misery was piled on by reports we found in the local news that United Adaikes made it earlier than us despite being a 20 hour flight away. Now that's just humiliating, our image as the 'dismal isolated farmers country' really is being confirmed to the rest of the world.
Mind you, just because we missed the ceremony, that by no means results in us not being there at all. We are not letting our presence go unreported. Instead of going down to the training ground, we headed straight for where the opening ceremony had taken place. Armed with the national flag of our nation St. Harlow's Cross, Faust Ḩarełeudeiem who is the captain of the Hertfordia Heathens burst through the stadium taking the janitors completely by surprise and just planted the Hertfordian flag where it is meant to be. This is somewhat normal to us lot.
This is Faust Ḩarełeudeiem, the captain of Hertfordshire and Jammbo Cricket's team (Hertfordia Heathens/Snowstorm/Shrine Maidens) as well as the former manager of the Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union's team. Don't question it. His first action in Larxia was to plant a flag far later than everyone else. The manager was going to do it but he was too busy shouting on the phone to the coachbuilders some more. This guy can be subtlely threatening without even trying.
Well, now that we have that out of the way we can introduce ourselves. We are those whose names shall never be uttered on this news service. Yeah, we aren't giving our names, mainly because we actually stole the job from the original presenters by sending them through a rather detailed and sinister gate. Even if it was a gate to Hell it wouldn't be surprising. If you really must know we are: Editor - Damian Hadjiev, Reporter - Frank Wezapad, Deputy Reporter - Yoshikage Ķile. It's not exactly much but we are more than capable of doing reporting. Apart from the fact we know next to nothing about cricket. But let's just gloss that to one side, we shall end the preview of the tournament with the news that we are in Group B with Glenpavia/Blue Bubble, Cambria & Teralyon as the third seed. Therefore we shall be playing Cambria in our first match. Goodbye for now, see you lot back home some other day.
An accurate representation of the training facilities that Hertfordshire and Jammbo have to use while here in Larxia. Honest.
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The official entry form of Hertfordshire and Jammbo Cricket, submitted for the T20 World Cup/Đe ȩfisl èntri fočim av Häřtferdsierndeambeu Ķrikit, seḃmited će Ț20 Wḙld Kap/Нa Афитсиaлeн фоpme нa Kaтфeдcиe aи Kaнфитьeлук Kpикeт, Пeудaдeни зa нa T20 Cвeтa Kaпe
Logo
Twenty20 Names*
Hertfordia Heathens | Hertfordia Snowstorm | Hertfordia Shrine Maidens
The Roster - Section 1: Players
Name Age Gender Birthplace Number Batting Hand Bowling Style Role County Cricket Club League Lisa Lazarenko 4 Female Kosapki 12 Right Knuckleball All-Rounder Wesfolk Dívien 3 Yuuya Kovalchuk 17 Male Turabryn 11 Left Yorker All-Rounder Dishforthshire Dívien 1 Diego Adamov 30 Male Jajov 1 Left Leg Break All-Rounder Stourtonshire Dívien 3 Reimu Hadjieva 20 Female Brvý 8 Right Slider All-Rounder Greater Parndon Dívien 2 Derek Sokolov 29 Male Mocali 19 Right Top Spin (Leg Spinner) All-Rounder Eardingshire Dívien 3 Rago Niedra ??? Male Tiszason 18 Left The Doosra All-Rounder Isle of Bhlak Dívien 3 Kyosuke Miķelsons ??? Male Căuneț 13 Left Top Spin (Off Spinner) All-Rounder Worsbroughshire Dívien 1 Richard Hammond 51 Male Căureni 15 Left Flipper All-Rounder Orstenshire Dívien 1 Yomiel Stasyuk ??? Male Ellona 25 Right Bouncer All-Rounder Eversdenshire Dívien 3 Naho Sotirova 17 Female Racikie 5 Right Leg Cutter All-Rounder Draytonshire Dívien 2 Patchouli Knalide 100 Female Curdoara 14 Left Off Break All-Rounder Stevingtonshire Dívien 3 Dynamis Dudka ??? Male Lučebín 4 Left In Swinger All-Rounder Wortonshire Dívien 3 Ryosuke Tīrelis 24 Male Dudinňová FC3S Right Arm Ball All-Rounder Pailtonshire Dívien 1 Faust Ḩarełeudeiem ??? Male Krasnorovsk 6 Right Carrom Ball All-Rounder Wildenshire Dívien 2 Robert Cherganski 27 Male Krasnoahorod 3 Left Slower Ball All-Rounder South Maritsex Dívien 2 Isaac Myroshnychenko 5 Male Zhabitrykaw 666 Right Beamer All-Rounder Norsex Dívien 1 Đe Kaiser 41 Male Skibrowna 22 Right Out Swing All-Rounder Autumset Dívien 1 Patrick Manev 52 Male Krhumín 20 Left Reverse Swing All-Rounder Buritonshire Dívien 1 The Roster - Section 2: Coach & Assistant Coach
Name Age Gender Birthplace Initials Club League Maxie Mazurenko 40 Male Baralyna MM Dnieper-Stour Dívien 3 Eirin Yaneva Extremely Old Female Rekoml EY Eientei Darlham Dívien 2 The Founding Year
Established in 1419 (as Hertfordia Cricket)
The Stadium
Tsar's Cricket Ground - Capacity: 30,000
The HNDK Kit
Roleplay Permissions
Injure my players: Yes
Dismiss batmen: Yes
Deliberate unfair play: No
Godmod injuries: No
Godmod scoring: No
Godmod other events: NoStyle Modifier
+3.17
Hertfordshire and Jammbo - Stuffing logic into the boot since the dawn of time.
*There was a vote by the Hertfordshire and Jammbo Ministry of Sport on which names the cricket team should have. The combined results of the national votes were tallied for the top 3. Hertfordians & their close ethnic relatives voted for 'Hertfordia Heathens', Jammbians & their own close ethnic relatives voted for 'Hertfordia Snowstorm' and 'Hertfordia Shrine Maidens' was the option that came 2nd in both sides.
- Zoran and United Adaikes
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The first T20 World Cup will be attended by the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire and Jammbo.
- Zoran and United Adaikes
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2
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Changes to the Hertfordshire and Jammbo factbook (as of 03/05/2021):
Maps updated to bring them into line with the current situation
Addition of Hoddesdon (Legislative Capital) and Maidenhall (Judicial Capital) alongside Great Parndon (Executive Capital)
Adoption of a Greater Coat of Arms
- United Adaikes, Zoran and Giovanniland
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Post-Tournament Report
Thank you all for reading our absolute final report on the HAJFF and the tournament as a whole. What, you thought we were gone? Hah! You'll never truly be rid of us! Even if a closing ceremony has occurred, we'll always be around to have our fill. It has been a fantastic ride as we make our way to overall 14th place in the World Cup of Football registering ourselves in the first matches of our history as a mid-table team. With our incredible variability and ruthless gegenpressing style we were able to make a strong start and quickly become the team to watch for exciting matches, such as the dominating 3-2 win over Italia. The Paradigm Compass also dominated the match against Arifiyyah until they pulled out a dramatic last minute comeback to ruin our fine day. After comfortably beating Reçueçn and being the only team to score against them at all in their run, we found ourselves on the end of what at the time was the Football World Cups biggest upset. A 5-1 defeat to Irador who were in the middle of a mini-renaissance of sorts, a scoreline that brought great shock to not only us, but to Irador themselves too. Considering our offensive style and their defensive style, this result was not expected. From there we kind of became boring, a 0-0 with the war-torn Zoran making us all fall asleep. Nevertheless we made it through to battle Larxia. After what must have been the most evenly matched game in the entire tournament, an 89th minute half-volley culminated all hopes of us bringing home the trophy. Larxia, who would eventually finish 2nd as well as have the top scorer (who failed to score against us), scraped through by the surface of their teeth. Thus came to an end our valiant efforts in the cup. Starting strong, collapsing in the middle, then coming back strong again only to suffer heartbreak at the very end.
Night of Fire - The Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation fans theme (
Stolenborrowed from Night of Fire OOC)Nightmare of the Paradigm Years - The Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation theme (
Stolenborrowed from Nightmare of the School Years OOC)The HAJFF actually has a few anthems to it. One for the Federation itself, another for the team and one submitted as an entry by the fans, for the fans.
In our last report, we said that we had something in the works. Unfortunately, our budget was pretty poor for it. But we still got it done, below is the link to the Hertfordshire and Jammbo analysis of the participants in the World Cup of Football. (WARNING: IRREGULARITIES ARE ALMOST CERTAIN)
The HAJ Low Budget Analysis of the Teams in the WCoF
As for us, here is a quick summary of the matches we had. Nothing too big, just a run-down.
Italia 2-3 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Roger Runcis, Yuuma Novak, Afuro Tytarenko Hertfordshire & Jammbo 2-3 Arifiyyah Satoshi Melderis, Eiki Sproģe Reçueçn 0-2 Hertfordshire & Jammbo Galeem Gaisma, Sanae Kotenko Hertfordshire & Jammbo 1-5 Irador Mettaton EXH Zoran 0-0 Hertfordshire & Jammbo N/A Larxia 1-0 Hertfordshire & Jammbo N/A
We would now like to extend a glass of whatever drink we so happen to choose to the hosts United Adaikes, who performed a very fine job with hosting this tournament. As well, the HAJFF offers a belated congrats to the winners Nieubasria, runners-up Larxia and third place Tara & Cambray. We are admittedly quite dismayed that Polaris has yet again taken the most top spots, but at least Andolia finally made a name for itself. Too bad it wasn't us lot. The bitter taste of truth indeed.
- Arifiyyah, iOctagon and United Adaikes
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Round of 16 Review
VS.Larxia 1-0 Hertfordshire and Jammbo (HT: LAR 0-0 HAJ)
Injuries:
Hart Vecunmieks (31'), Asriel Dreimanis (74')
Pre-Match Review
Welcome to this, the last of our reviews of the HAJFF this tournament. The reason is because after a ridiculously close battle, we fell to a last minute goal that sent Larxia through by the very skin of their teeth. Actually, both teams had times when they were superior but overall despite the score it proved to be a well fought match between them and us lot in the Paradigm Compass. Let's be honest though, we came close to scoring far more than they did across the span of the match. Even if the defence has been sub par, our attack was still one of the most dangerous and possibly even feared in the entire World Cup of Football. Those in Giovanniland weren't kidding when they called us 'one of the strongest teams'. Come on, we're taking all compliments we can get. Silver lining, people! Of course, nothing of note happened before the match and that's okay. We're still rather miffed about the end result though. Only 1-0? Seriously, it should have been something like a 5-4 result. Even if they had still won in this preferable scenario it would make for a better loss than this.
How we feel about the way we lost. The fact that we lost at all miffs us, but the way it happens is what sends our collective heads into envisioning this picture of RM Richard Hammond.
First Half Review
Larxia, being the so-called 'home' side, kicked the match off. Amazingly, despite the drabness that was our 0-0 stalemate with Zoran, the first half of this encounter had even less to report on. All we can discuss is that Hart Vecunmieks, our reliable if ageing goalkeeper bit the dust with a severe injury. Dharkon Tumsa took stage in the goal and proved to be brilliant enough to block a superb effort from one of the Larxian players, not with their hands because it was too far off to reach normally, but with their hair. Yes this makes little sense to us as well, but their hair is less of a hairdo and more a highly loose black and dark purple thorn bush of misery. We believe it was in minute 37 if not mistaken. It almost popped the ball right there, luckily it survived with the first half continuing to bring pretty much nothing to the fore. BOOOOORING!
OFF | ONSecond Half Review
We began the second half and truth be told it was far better than the first. In fact, it was such a feat that we are not going to write a ton about it, not because there was nothing to write about, but because we were almost stunned into silence by what was unfolding. A furious back and forth with amazing performances in attack by both teams, especially ours, and miraculously excellent performances by the 2 respective goalkeepers to somehow keep the score level at none a piece. That was until the 89th minute when a shot by Larxia was well saved by Dharkon Tumsa to go out for a corner, which some random dude called Leo Messy lobbed in. Is he meant to be the centre of attention on their side? Either way, the corner was well defended, but the goalkeeper was not prepared for the sudden half-volley that came after, which bounced meekly underneath them and into the net, effectively handing Larxia a win which truth be told should not have happened. At least not that way. They had so many good chances, how did they just score at such a late point? Likewise how did we not score at all? That is all there is to say. Oh, apart from the fact that Asriel Dreimanis, who replaced Bello Jēkabsons in the starting line-up due to his friend Ongo Vidopliassova's birthday back home, fell to a bad injury in the 74th minute and was replaced by an girl from a ridiculously naturally cut off island that lives around 130-140 years behind everyone else with a bad understanding of modern clothing, Chikage Alexova. She's also pretty knowledgeable though not nearly to the extent that Mina Maneva and Lisa Lazarenko are. There, now we can end. Apart from one thing, we heard from the hosts United Adaikes after they were knocked out too that they were rooting for us lot to win Group C. It's real pleasant to know that even in the worldly equivalent of a small cold village in the corner of the room we still have other nations who cheer us on. The hosts no less too. Huh, guess people really do root for the underdogs.
OFF | ONPost-Match Review
Of course, there is no need for a proper post-match review. All there is to know is that we leave miffed but ultimately comforted knowing the aforementioned information and the fact that we could at least put in a performance for our fans to be proud of, ensuring that we departed the Football World Cup in a blaze of glory. Larxia remain in the tournament and will do battle with Fujai who edged Santos-Dominius out in a narrow but equally thrilling 4-3 encounter. They are 1 of 3 Andolian nations left in the tournament, alongside Irador and Nagaraningrad. If we can't win it, then we go for you three. Whether it be the Nagaraningradians, Larxians or Iradorians, the HAJFF puts their support behind each one to take home the World Cup for not only themselves, but for Andolia as a whole. Show the world that ours is the premium continent! Also, we will not finish posting. We will do calculations on the attacks and defences of the teams, who scored or blocked out the most in total and per match to find out what truly were the most dangerous teams in the tournament.
With that now done, it is time to depart from our posts. Thanks all for reading and er, goodbye!
- Arifiyyah, United Adaikes and Zoran
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3
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Matchday 5 Review
VS.Zoran 0-0 Hertfordshire & Jammbo (HT: ZOR 0-0 HAJ)
Pre-Match Review
Welcome one and all to this review. It is of the final group stage match against Zoran which despite ending in the most drab draw you could think of, still ensured that we went through in 4th place in Group C. That damn shock defeat to Irador ruined our prospects for challenging the top. You might be wondering why we have no notes on goals, injuries or even any yellow card or red cards. The first one is blatantly obvious, it's right up on the scoreline. As for the others, this was without a doubt the most drab match in Group C, possibly in the entire tournament so far. So much for the Paradigm Compass being an exciting team. We aren't totally sure what happened, some say that the Zoranian refugees and the Hertfordian mafia cancelled each other out, much like how our team and theirs cancelled each other on the pitch. Due to the terrible boredom that resulted from this game this will likely be the shortest edition yet. We'll still try though, because we're professionals. Certainly more professional than some nations we know.
The match was as dull as it gets. We're thankful then that a bandaged PM Clarkov Furutani turned up with the mafia to sort of spice things up. Also, who said we couldn't use the same picture twice.
First Half Review
Do not kid yourselves, this review is going to be more of a recap. Lack of detail because we can only write so much about this. Some fans have attested to seeing a crowd of Zoranian refugees attempting to storm the pitch and hold up our players but claim they were dealt with just fine. Then apparently the mafia turned up, followed shortly by Prime Minister Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani. The operation to heal his stab wound from around 2 matches prior had worked much faster than expected and he had turned up wearing that same garb he was wearing pre-tournament. The nostalgia effect, may haps. Either way, fans then claimed to have seen the mafia force the refugees off the pitch completely, all while the match was being played at the same time. Talk about supposed early drama. But that didn't happen throughout all the time spent playing. We cannot really say much at all therefore about the first half other than that. We effectively cancelled each other out. Their team has a far worse attack, but a far better defence so really the game played out more like a Zoranian match than a Hertfordian match in the end.
Second Half Review
More of the same really. The only thing that got fans even remotely interested in this half was noticing the awful kits that the Paradigm Compass were wearing. But even that couldn't keep them awake forever and soon many fans had left the stadium. Like in the first half, very little of note occurred and in the end neither team really deserved to get anything other than a draw. And that was it. Full time, a scoreless draw.
Post-Match Review
What did we tell you, huh? Lacklustre effort to go with a lacklustre match. It's only fitting. With that, the group stages are over, Irador having recovered from a bad start to win the group entirely, bringing forth a coup on Arifiyyah who finished 2nd. They both finished with 10 points, +4 GD and 8 goals scored, but Irador topped the group by a hair due to virtue of defeating Arifiyyah 2-1. Zoran finished 3rd with 7 points and a 0 GD. Us on the other hand came 4th with 7 points and due to that disaster of a match against Irador also ended with a lowly -2 GD. Reçueçn was unable to capitalise, being held to a draw by Italia who got their first point of the tournament too little too late. Reçueçn came 5th with 6 points and Italia finished last with just 1 point.
Next Time...
Next time, eh? A round of 16 match with Larxia, who won Group B and have come off the back of a 5-0 demolition of Fhaengshia who were eliminated due to that and other results.
VS.Now it is time to depart, cheers for reading. We are off to the tower now to have our heads cut off (not really). Goodbye.
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Matchday 4 Review
VS.Hertfordshire and Jammbo 1-5 Irador (HT: HAJ 0-2 IRA)
Goal:
Mettaton EXH (48')
Yellow Card:
Ike Gribusts (90')
Injury:
Eiki Sproģe (14')
Pre-Match Review
Hello and welcome to the matchday 4 review. As you all know, this review will tackle the match we played against Irador. We must warn you, it is highly unlikely that you will be prepared for what is to come in this report. To be honest, the events that unfolded during the match came as a shock to not only the HAJFF, but to Irador as well. not to mention practically everyone keeping tabs on the events more than likely couldn't believe what they were seeing. Seriously, nothing could have prepared either team for the absolute disaster of a game that we had to endure. Did the calamity that unfolded yesterday hurt team mentality? Surely that wasn't it, no signs of mental degrading was found by Sports Therapist Vekar Griķis. We simply cannot find any feasible explanation for our devastating defeat, so we will just chock it down to a combination of atrocious luck on our end and an outlandishly brilliant performance on the Iradorian end. Make no mistake though, we will not take this lying down, therefore we would like all reading to ask themselves a simple question. Will the HAJFF do anything in it's power, no matter how unconventional it is, in order to aim for the winner's spot in this World Cup of Football? Let that surge through your minds, while we prepare to begin the review of the ill-fated match itself.
In reference to the question just earlier, we think this photo taken in one of the hotel rooms (not that of the person in the photo, fans know who it is) demonstrates our point well enough. Of course we are. Nothing else could be expected coming from us lot.
First Half Review
Irador, being the technical 'home' side here, were the ones to start the match. Now they have a very defensive style, while we have a rather offensive style. Naturally both teams expected it to be a case of Iradorian defence versus Hertfordian attack. Whichever one was superior on the day would determine whether the results would be a near goalless encounter or a potential massacre courtesy of the Paradigm Compass. The former seemed like the more probable one, though with how many goals have come in matches involving us lot, the latter was not something to be thrown out the window completely. Early in the first half, the resident Yama ended up having to begin a stint on the side-lines due to a foul committed by Osel who saw a yellow card for his actions. Too bad for her, she can't hand down a damning verdict on the culprit given that they are not under her jurisdiction. On for the Yamaxanadu came Mettaton EXH, the greatest creation of a scientist who acts as the successor to one of our players, W. D. Gavrilov. Everywhere is a stage for this robot with a soul. Roughly midway through the first half, someone called Inkase successfully scored with a simple strike that needs no further explanation. Certainly that came as a surprise given that until then we had been the ones bombarding them with attacks. A counter-attack is probably what happened. That seems reasonable. After that, we upped the anti landing more painful blows to the Iradorian back line who were beginning to crumble under the relentless pressure. But in the 38th minute, someone on Irador, namely Yedmida, had an epiphany. Why were they constantly defending and allowing themselves to take this ruthless pattern of play from the HAJFF?! At any moment the defensive wall would be breached and then it ran the major risk of being turned into a slaughter. He discussed the plan with his teammates, the full-backs Matsjen & Oskoc, and set it into motion following a crossbar shot by the HAJFF. Yedmida quickly rushed forward ball in tow stunning all in the Irador camp including the unhappy looking manager. But the full-backs knew the plan. They successfully cut in behind midfield lines before Matsjen somehow hoofed a long ball to Oskoc on the other side of the pitch, catching the HAJFF defenders off guard and slotting one in past goalkeeper Hart Vortex to make it 2-0 to Irador. Imagine our shock! Even the usually expressionless Manager Frisk Dachev was surprised. Certainly the opposition were too. Half time arrived quicker than expected and through 2 out of nowhere goals Irador had a somewhat commanding lead over the Paradigm Compass. Tactics and formation patterns would need to be altered in order to turn things around. As for Irador, watching that second goal might have given them a rebellious thought, one that involves saying 'screw that' to the teams entire tactical structure. It was obvious that this new approach was working. We can't say for sure though, because we are not them. We are us. Obvious statement of the century there.
OFF | ON
Second Half Review
With many a thing changing and many a thing staying completely the same, we decided it was high time to begin the second half. We began it in style, quickly turning the pitch into a stage show for the fans of both teams, but primarily our fans, to sit on the edge of their seats at the exciting football being utilized by the HAJFF. Of course, all shows need a star to be at the centre, and who better than the Paradigm Compass's resident performer and robot with a SOUL Mettaton EXH. Let's face it, everyone was focused on him from the beginning of the second half right up to when he brought one back for us with those colossal legs of his. Honestly, those legs could probably crush a rock between them. No wonder the ratings went through the roof. Unfortunately we could not make a show out of the remainder of the match, because Irador appeared to have decided to abandon all defensive reason and just go full on attack rampage. Whether their staff actually agreed to this, or if it was even like that at all. No matter what it was, this Irador team was different from the team that only scored 1 goal in their previous 3 matches. This one seemed to be a completely different animal. If the old Irador was an unmoving brick wall that let few through, then the new Irador was a road roller being plunged from on high, most likely by a bisexual vampire bloke screaming WRYYYYYYYYYY! At least, that's what our minds envision. Rightly so too, as Irador soon made it 3-1 as substitute Kampps scored a wonderful effort after beating right defender W. D. Gavrilov despite the many, er, floating hands? OK then, we guess. He is a formal royal scientist for King Mečislavs I so he probably found a way to do... that. We'll show a picture to demonstrate what we are talking about after the second half review is done. With the two goal disadvantage restored, morale threatened to collapse but the managing duo Frisk Dachev & Flandre Sotirova were having none of that b------- [CENSORED]. After a lengthy talk to the whole team, their morale was restored and a new determination to fight on was wrought. It almost paid off, for the Paradigm Compass came close numerous times, even hitting the crossbar or post a whopping 4 times in the span of 10 minutes. It is rather depressing to write then that Inkase scored his second goal for Irador that day to pretty much put the game to bed. Still, we kept on fighting. Even if we were going to lose, we would go out fighting. The fans undoubtedly wouldn't like it if our lot just keeled over and died in the face of a shock massacre. As the game reached its climax, Ike decided he had to test his teammates patience again and fouled a member of the opposition while backtracking all the way to the final third to help the defence. He was booked, now holding the risk of being replaced in the first team permanently by Galeem Gaisma. A threat unlikely to go through. Yevovic stepped up for the Irador free kick in a dangerous position. He booted it in after it deflected off W. D. Gavrilov's tall and slim body structure. 5-1 to Irador, with what turned out to be the final kick of the game. This was utterly humiliating on so many levels. Irador quickly chocked it up to incredibly good luck but a performance like that just doesn't warrant the good luck explanation. The look of surprise and awe on their faces said it all really, they were not expecting this result to happen either, not even remotely close. We have no more things to say about it, the match really speaks for itself. Full time.
These are those many hands we were on about earlier. Lots of colours, huh. Probably mechanical. They do look eerily realistic though.
Post-Match Review
Like we said earlier, this game supposedly had the luck factor involved but we simply can't deflect onto that after that embarrassing defensive display. We knew our defence wasn't the best but that really did take the cake. Eiki is out for 6 matches with a medial collateral ligament sprain. Therefore, Mettaton EXH will be on in her place. Meanwhile the recoveries of Damian Hristov, Satori Kornijchuk and Satoshi Melderis are progressing smoothly. Bello Jēkabsons has fully recovered from his own injury in a slightly quicker time than expected. Turning to the group stage table now, that loss means we sit 4th place with 6 points. Arifiyyah are on top and with 1 hand firmly on the concept of winning Group C entirely. Irador, who scored 5 of their 6 goals against us, are in 2nd with 7 points while Zoran remain 3rd following a 2-0 defeat to Reçueçn, who sit in 5th with 5 points breathing down both ours and Zoran's necks heavily, as well as Irador's neck slightly. Oh and if anyone questions why we put the teams the other way round in the result to the official order (in which we were the 'away' side), we are going by the first match order posted by the Adaikesian hosts which pit 5 (us) as the 'home' team in the match and 6 (Irador) as the 'away' team. We are not changing that, deal with it.
Next Time...
The next match is the final match of the group stages. We are up against Zoran. This team appear to be having political-based problems in relations between the manager and the players who have been making their own politically charged statements which has angered the higher ups at the NACZ from what we're seeing. Not that we truly know anything about it, we don't pay attention to Zoranian politics. Not even the civil war raging there though we do prefer the monarchists.
VS.Guess what, we have no more stuff to say! On that complete non-bombshell it is time to end. We thank you all for watching, we're off to get very drunk, goodnight!
- Arifiyyah, Bran Astor, Zoran and 1 other
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4
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Matchday 3 Review
VS.Reçueçn 0-2 Hertfordshire and Jammbo (HT: REÇ 0-1 HAJ)
Goals:
Galeem Gaisma (7'), Sanae Kotenko (58')
Yellow Cards:
Roger Runcis (35'), Konngara Adamov (74', 86')
Injuries:
Bello Jēkabsons (54'), Satoshi Melderis (61')
Pre-Match Review
Greetings, this is matchday review 3 on the victory over Reçueçn. Now we start this report off with an important question. What is it about us that attracts these semi-odd occurrences during matches? During the previous match both goal scorers came on as replacements for players unable to attend or carry on, and for around 29 minutes all 3 of our defensive midfielders were down to injury. We actually had to bring on the First Team Coach, her name is Karen Kovalenko, to play in Satoshi's place. These weird things just seem to be drawn to the HAJFF like a magnet. Replacing Ike Gribusts was Galeem Gaisma, a person so associated with light that they have the entire visible colour spectrum as the inside colour of their hair. The outside is completely white with streaks of light coloured gold all along it. No wonder fans call them the 'Lord of Light'. We still need to mention what happened before the match, so we shall, with the staff members taking precautions in case the DM Satoshi had to be taken off. It was a loose suggestion from Reserves Manager Asgore Dreimanis, to which the Head of Athletic Performance Junpei Tsymbalyuk quickly agreed. Of course, you know who was chosen to volunteer as the new player if player availability in defensive midfield reached crisis point. Glad that they had sorted that kerfuffle out, the staff members re-joined with Kitman and Prime Minister Clarkov Furutani, who had somehow managed to waltz on into the crew out of seemingly nowhere. He also found a photo of someone's mother tied and gagged in a hard wooden chair with various bloody instruments littering the floor around her. Goodness knows how it ended up in his hands. He thought it would be a wise idea to show it to everyone and see if they knew anything. This, as it turned out, did not end very well. Now the Prime Minister has a stab wound in the chest thanks to the sword of Konngara, being transported to the local hospitals A&E Department for surgery. He will likely be gone for the rest of the tournament. Good job Clarkov you dingus. Quick, someone break the fight up before it turns into a corpse party!
Karen seems to be extremely protective of the lady in the photo, so much so that she grabbed Konngara's sword and tried to wedge it into Clarkov's face while madly accusing him of being the culprit of the aforementioned kidnapped lady phot. Turns out it's her own mother. Even so the levels of desperation and protectiveness here were far beyond average. Needless to say Assistant Manager Flandre Sotirova quickly blamed the Dalimbari, although no evidence at all pointed at them. What is wrong with these people?!
First Half Review
Thankfully we didn't have to bear witness to the untimely deaths of all the staff members. Let's return to canon now and start the first half review. Anyway, Reçueçn kicked off the game and we are sure we don't need to explain what happened next. Of course just like the other two games the HAJFF assumed control and after 7 minutes Galeem managed to blind the fans and players with an absolutely superb 37 yard curling effort into the top right corner. No, they literally blinded them. It's the one fans call the Lord of Light we're talking about here, come on! It's not often you see such a brilliant effort like that. The rest of the first half was not much to shout about, we done well in holding on to our lead. The yellow card received by Roger Runcis was but a small road bump in this. Remind him that that sort of reckless activity is what got him booted out of Troupe Handrica 13 years ago. Anyway, with a surprisingly uneventful first half complete, we returned to the team room silently thankful that the first half acted as a contrast to the utter chaos that ensued before the match began. To be perfectly honest, we at the HAJFF news room are thankful too. Still, we hoped the second half would provide more entertainment, as if that first half was what one of the tournament's most thrilling sides saw as adequate, then the fans are being disappointed. We are too, we were hoping to write more.
Second Half Review
Spoiler alert! The second half turned out in the end to be much better to watch than the first, for many reasons. First among which was bizarrely a minor injury to Bello Jēkabsons, which saw resident miracle worker Sanae Kotenko being substituted on for him. Sadly that injury was the least of the worries. Satoshi Melderis became injured, and it looked serious too. Great. Just what we needed, bring on the Karen is what raced through the mind of Manager Frisk Dachev. She was still in a complete mess, but she had to do it anyway. Otherwise no one would, for whatever convoluted reason. So at this point we now had a member of staff playing and needless to say this particular staff member was not in the right frame of mind. The opposition were slowly edging their way in. Not before a free kick was awarded for the foul on Satoshi though. Sanae skied it over the wall of opposing defenders and into the net, now what did we say about her being a miracle worker? Don't answer that, it was rhetorical for those dense people in the readers catalogue. From there it became an interesting match of the Paradigm Compass being generally better even with overall mentality damaged taking on a Reçueçn side that simply refused to stop trying until the bitter end. Getting on a bit into the latter stages and Konngara Adamov was handed a yellow card for a foul which was light but did make contact, so in the end we can admit that was justified. The second yellow card for the Astral Knight was certainly nothing but complete ridiculousness though. There was not even a hint of a foul there! Those team members on the bench and in the stands quickly spread thought that it was the bloody colouring of the sword Konngara owns that caused them to be given their marching orders. They didn't even do anything. Whatever, down to 10 players with the clock ticking to full time which eventually did arrive after a whopping 6 minutes of injury time, during which Reçueçn came close to a consolation goal but were ultimately thwarted by a last second defensive clearance from left defender Yuuma Novak. The end to an incredibly odd match had come, with a result that pleased us greatly in the end.
Post-Match Review
If you thought matchday 2 was packed, this one made it look like a chilly day at some ice cap somewhere back home. Bello was inflicted with nothing more than a simple minor calf muscle strain and he just needs to rest it for a match before returning. Satoshi however was diagnosed by Lisa Lazarenko as having suffered a moderate cartilage tear. That doesn't sound good. A 5 match minimum break is expected and effectively required for it to heal properly. Thank the goddess of victory then that Jeremy Clarkson has returned from his own stout of injury and is raring to break out the hammer again. Breathe a collective sigh at that with us, readers. Konngara being sent off for 2 yellows was not amusing, now we have to put someone in their place. Figure out who it is, you know the positions that everyone of us at the HAJFF is in. As for the status of Prime Minister Clarkov, he is awake and feeling unpleasant. Not like he isn't used to being attacked, but to actually be hit shocked him to a good degree. The stab wound wasn't fatal. We now sit in 2nd place in Group C overtaking Zoran on goals scored after they lost to Arifiyyah who went top. Careful, they could be the dark horse of this tournament.
Next Time...
Matchday 4 will have us against Irador, who after defeating Italia 1-0 sit 4th in the group with 4 points rather fittingly. They clearly still have the feeling that they can go through. Mind you, so do we and most other teams in this World Cup of Football.
VS.We really have nothing more to say so we thank you for reading and bid thee goodnight! Wow that was a shorter piece than expected.
- Arifiyyah and United Adaikes
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2
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Matchday 2 Review
VS.Hertfordshire and Jammbo 2-3 Orangutan Rangers (HT: HAJ 1-0 ARI)
Goals:
Satoshi Melderis (29'), Eiki Sproģe (53')
Red Cards:
Ike Gribusts (71')
Injuries:
Satori Kornijchuk (21')
Pre-Match Review
Hello there, you are reading this news leaflet sent out by the HAJFF for the second matchday of the World Cup of Football here in United Adaikes. This report will cover our 3-2 defeat against Arifiyyah, who proved to be able to match their ambition off the pitch with talent on it. Initially we had a tight grip on the game taking the lead into half time and doubling said lead early in the second half. Shortly after that though Arifiyyah picked up traction by bringing the score to 2-1, and when Ike Gribusts was sent off for injuring their captain, a debutant 19 year old brought culmination onto a long and sweet first match, scoring twice to give his Orangutan Rangers the win over us lot. Shortly before the match we found out from various staff members that defensive midfielder Satori Kornijchuk could actually read minds as long as they were in her vicinity. We are not sure if this should be called a blessing or a curse although we believe in neither. That would really help in Satori's part time hobby as a detective, no scratch that, it definitely helps. She also helped to figure out Clarkson's injury mystery and how May was in fact not involved with this talent. So, with accidental Wingdings written on one of the doors in the Pirates Arena and yet more displays by the two resident prodigies Mina & Lisa, it was time to commence the match.
When she isn't being disliked by pretty much everyone, Satori makes a fine detective. A cheating detective, mind you.
First Half Review
Lengthy display done with, we started the match and quickly done what we did against Italia, assume near complete control. This time however our opponents were ready and barricaded themselves to hold off the HAJFF offense, which was quite frankly necessary as we were starting to establish ourselves as having one of the best attacks in the tournament. We were also starting to establish ourselves as having one of the worst defences as well though, so there was no room to be slouching at the back either. There was no room to be slouching full stop. It was not long into the match that disaster struck in the defensive midfield position, with Satori Kornijchuk being subject to a clearly purposeful injury that somehow went unpunished. Naturally our fans were screaming bloody murder and while that may be harsh we can see where they come from. Seriously, the Arifiyyah player who committed that foul should have been sent off. Satori's injury means that we have now got 3 injured players with 2 of them being DMs. Jeremy Clarkson should be back for matchday 4 against Irador just to let you all know. With the literal mind reader coming off, Satoshi Melderis was brought on. He immediately made an impact, pushing forward as if he were a wing back allowing the midfielders to overlap with him and brick up the defensive lines, adding an extra sense of security to the Paradigm Compass. 8 minutes after coming on, Satoshi found the back of the net as his adventurous methods paid off and we had taken the lead. He knew he had to be careful from then on though, as an injury to him would result in having to play one of the staff members, something which would probably baffle everyone in attendance of this World Cup. The rest of the first half returned to how the game started, with the HAJFF in near total control. But Arifiyyah were slowly edging themselves into it, they could sense that eventually the sturdy and creative 3-1-3-1-2 was going to falter at some point. We planned to make sure that didn't happen. Half time soon arrived after a few minutes of added time, with the Paradigm Compass holding a 1-0 lead over the ambitious yet so far fruitless opposition.
OFF | ON Second Half Review
Now it was time for Arifiyyah to begin the second half, and begin it they did. Strongly too as they were now breathing down the neck of our goalkeeper Hart Vecunmieks who managed to keep their shots out with moderate effort. It could not go on like this or they would equalise sooner rather than later. With that in mind, central defender Konngara Adamov quickly gave the fans of both sides a peek into their Astral Knight title and fittingly reclaimed possession for the HAJFF. This sparked off a near flawless attack of our own which culminated in a wonderful goal by Eiki Sproģe, Yamaxanadu. Yeah you heard that right, one of our strikers is something known as a Yama, a Judge. She is one of the highest authorities in the infamous Ministry of Right & Wrong that serves underneath the Ministry of Justice. The Ministry of Right & Wrong is well known for pretty much never putting a foot wrong when it comes to handing out verdicts to the guilty or innocent. Now with a 2 goal advantage, the team could maybe focus a bit more on parking the bus. Big mistake, as Arifiyyah quickly found traction and scored what would hopefully be a consolation point. The middle of the second half turned into a topsy-turvy mess with the Paradigm Compass aiming to restore their two goal advantage and the Orangutan Rangers persevering to bring the scoreline level. It was entering the latter stages of the match when Ike Gribusts got himself foolishly sent off for causing injury to the Arifiyyah captain Safiq Ahmad. It wasn't the best idea to have a mercenary in an attacking position in hindsight. His power and bulk is better suited for defence, maybe he and Konngara could do a switcheroo. What Ike hoped to gain from that is foreign to us but if it were the demoralisation of Arifiyyah then it was safe to say that he failed in his objective. Add on the truth that we were now down to 10 players and Arifiyyah clocked on to the situation. The situation that meant they could realistically turn things around. And so it was in the 88th minute of the match a 19 year old debutant called Muhammad Nazhim booted the ball into the goal and made the score an even 2-2. Then it got even worse, as the same person then scored his second at the 3rd minute of injury time in what was virtually the last shot of the match. Talk about last minute collapse. After we resumed the match, the referee blew his whistle for the signature 3 times to notify us all in the Pirates Arena that the match was over, with the HAJFF falling victim to a superb second half effort from Arifiyyah. They put on a fine display, as did our own team. They both made the tournament and fans proud with such an exciting match.
Post-Match Review
Well, that was a fine doozy of a game. We have now been involved in 2 captivating matches that ended with a 3-2 scoreline, with 1 win and 1 loss. Surely we can be considered as the most exciting team to watch on the pitch after those, if not us then the utter lunacy that goes on at the collection of giants plus hopeful results providers Santos-Dominius in Group D with the Cambrian's overly yellow news web pages and that one rugby team with its addiction to drugs. Beware the mafia, they might be coming for the drugs, keep them away from it at all cost. Of course we can't provide a picture of the mafia planning this as that would likely end in our reporters being tied up and thrown into big black cars in the middle of the night. On the injury sustained by Satori, she has been inflicted with an AC joint sprain that will keep her out for 4 matches. Satoshi will replace her in the meantime. Meanwhile Ike Gribusts is suspended for 1 match due to receiving a red card, and therefore he shall lose his place on the pitch to Galeem Gaisma. The loss means that Hertfordshire and Jammbo drop to 3rd place in Group C having been leapfrogged by Arifiyyah who climb to 2nd and will take on undefeated group leaders Zoran up next.
Next Time...
As for us, we will attempt to get back to winning ways as we suit up in a shocking blend of dark purple, blue, pink & grey to link up with Reçueçn at what we can only presume is 2:00am Andolian Meridian Time. They are well known for being the world centre of sports organising and events alike, but is their bark worse than their bite? Tune in to the match later to find out!
VS.We are now concluding this matchday 2 review and going back to the hotel where inevitably a lecture by a 12-13y/o scientific genius is waiting. Unfortunately much like prog rock it will last 4.8 hours and make no sense to anyone. So on that inconvenience it is time to end, thanks very much for watching, goodnight!
We all knew this would happen. Oh well, can't stop it now. If anyone in the HAJFF manages to grasp the concept of what Mina Maneva is going on about in her lecture, write to the editor at 'I'm Really Fun At Parties, Honest'.
- Arifiyyah, Zoran and United Adaikes
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn: Matchday 1 - Review
VS.Italia 2-3 Hertfordshire & Jammbo (HT: ITA 1-3 HAJ)
Goals:
Roger Runcis (9'), Yuuma Novak (23'), Afuro Tytarenko (38')
Injuries:
Jeremy Clarkson (69'), Damian Hristov (76')
Pre-Match Review
Hello and welcome to the first of matchday reports by the HAJFF. These will serve to recap on the entirety of events that transpire before, during and after matches played by the Paradigm Compass. This first piece is of our narrow 2-3 victory over Italia. Really though, that score is rather kind to the Italians. Fact of the matter is that we utterly dominated the first half and it could easily have turned into a 4-1 or 5-1 kick up the backside for them if it weren't for poorly timed injuries and well timed counter-attacks. No point in dwelling on negatives, let's instead focus on the many positives that came with our debut match and despite being close on face value show that we could hardly have made a better start to the Football World Cup. It was even done wearing the instantly recognisable dark purple and blue vertical fading striped kit that has come in for ridicule by Adaikesian's and other foreign fans alike. Funny thing is that the goalkeepers grey and pink vertical faded stripe kit is even worse. So bad in fact that Hart was
kindlycondescendingly told by Head Physio Lisa Lazarenko and Goalkeeping Coach Heckyl Sprūde to ignore the fits of laughter emanating from outside the team coaches, lest he have an anger filled breakdown, as the Paradigm Compass rushed to the Pirates Arena for our first match of the tournament.
A sane persons reaction to the outlandishly horrible goalkeepers away kit. Good thing Lisa & Heckyl prevented this outcome with Hart. We wouldn't have blamed him if he had reacted like this.
First Half Review
With crisis averted, Italia got the match underway. Perhaps they had planned on holding onto the ball and attacking immediately given our high line. This was not an advisable option. They must not have realised that the main strength of this team is its variability. We can switch from defensive to offensive patterns like the flick of a switch, and that is what we did. Alternating to a 4-4-2 we overwhelmed their offensive between two neat lines of players and snatched the ball from their possession. With control now in their camp the HAJFF switched back to the 3-1-3-1-2 and took charge in offense. It was therefore little time before disgraced magician Roger Runcis showed his former employers at Troupe Handrica just why they were wrong to dismiss him all those years ago, launching a sublime volley into the right hand side of the net that definitely did not include him slightly setting the ball on fire. Honest. With that totally legit goal the HAJFF had taken the lead. That really set the precedent for the first half as Italia were unable to even get close to them, let alone have any chances in the shooting department. No wonder then that Yuuma Novak struck the second of the match home, not unlike a king throwing his lance at the enemy. Of course this only served to strengthen our control and at this point in the match there really wasn't any feasible way to compare the two teams. We were just on another level to them, the performance was astounding even the staff members who can be rather hard to surprise. 38 minutes gone and Afuro Tytarenko added more joy for us and misery for the opponents. How this scoreline was even there with such ill-fated preparations is anyone's guess. God alone knows. The Hertfordian fans in the stands were cheering their heads off and they would have been forgiven for thinking that this was going to turn into a bloodbath. Certainly those of the team on the benches and in the stands thought the same. Here's a hint for ourselves to take in for future matches. Never celebrate too early, because Italia managed to pull a consolation goal jolting the substitutes, reserves and staff into a forced upright position and gave them a timely reminder that this was the highest level of football. Falling asleep or slacking off is simply not an option. Clearly Italia were not going to just drop dead, so while we had run the show in the first half, it was setting up to be an interesting second half. Time would only tell if this would be the case.
Second Half Review
The HAJFF kicked off the second half with gusto having learnt their lesson from when Italia scored in the 44th minute. Of course, an excavation of the match was in order as the HAJFF returned to ruling the match, however this time we were unable to break down Italia's defences, despite the clearly motivational half time talk that managing duo Frisk & Flandre dished out. It all proceeded as a constant rinse-and-repeat of the HAJFF trying and failing to break down the newly rejuvenated Italia back line. It was meant to get better, but instead it got not-better, as Jeremy Clarkson found himself having to hobble off the pitch with an injury. Who here suspects that May deliberately planned this as revenge for having the chainsaw wedged in his car? It would not surprise us, especially with the rather suspicious time the injury took place. With Clarkson off the pitch and replaced by Satori Kornijchuk, Italia took advantage of the slight gap in the teams mental focus and managed to make it 2-3, thereby pulling themselves back in with a chance despite how unlikely that seemed. Damian Hristov decided it was time to mentally drain the opposition in submission through his own cruel tactics. Please note however that when someone makes it known with pride that they got their current talent from a freaky science experiment that forcibly draws out the user's hidden potential, people are going to want to target that person. Just so happened that Damian was that person. Resultant factor of him being forced into the medical room and the knowledgeable hands of Lisa Lazarenko & Vekar Griķis. On came W. D. Gavrilov, the former royal scientist to King Mečislavs I who is actually watching from the stands himself with a familiar smile spread across his face. W. D. Gavrilov is one of the few Hertfordians or Jammbians completely fluent in Wingdings and all of its spin-offs. Does not help when no one else can understand them. Maybe that is why the remaining 14 minutes + 3 minutes of added time seemed like nothing more than a confused mess for both teams. Full time came, and the confusion ended with relief that Hertfordia hadn't fallen victim to an unfortunate set of circumstances. The first match ends in a deserved 2-3 victory for the Paradigm Compass.
OFF | ON OFF | ON Post Match Review
Well that ended with more drama than we had hoped for. Even so, a win is a win and we must continue with training for the next match. Clarkson's injury is unknown but the ape that May would call an 'infantile pillock' should be out for 2 matches. As for Damian, it was discovered by Lisa & Seishirou Jukums that he had suffered a fractured rib that will keep him out for 6 matches. That kick to the chest by the Italia midfielder was definitely on purpose. We hold unpleasant thoughts of that person in our minds. The Stig is imagining what the culprit would look like if pushed through a desk fan. All we know is that Jeremy & Damian will be side-lined for the time being and replaced on the first team by Satori and W. D., who will no doubt easily fill in the hole left by the currently injured. The win took us to 2nd place in the group, with Zoran on top after they defeated Irador 2-0.
Next Time...
We, in our second match, will kit up in the black, dark green and gold outlined cross shirt with dark green and black with gold vertical border shorts and green socks (excessively long kit description is excessively long) to do battle with the Orangutan Rangers, representatives of Arifiyyah. Their last match was a 0-0 draw with Reçueçn leaving them tied 3rd in the group after Matchday 1.
VS.With all that said and the next match now firmly lodged into your minds, it is time to end with a note on Dilberian drugs: You can dope your players through the roof for all we care, just keep them away from us or we shall insert sharp things into your heads and torsos. Well, if the Hertfordian mafia doesn't get there first. We hear Dilberian drugs could make for a lucrative market in the criminal underworld. On that bombshell it is now time to end, cheers for reading and goodnight!
- United Adaikes and Arifiyyah
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Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn - Pre-Tournament Report
Hello and welcome to the first report related to our very own HAJFF! If you are wondering where on earth the news organisation is, you're reading a piece by them. We are the news for our own team, the HAJFF is officially bringing all you loyal fans at home and here abroad the low down on the Paradigm Compass and their hopefully plentiful exploits during this World Cup of Football. That's right, these news updates are coming straight from the horses mouth. Deal with it.
We apologize for not writing this yesterday as we were meant to. Admittedly, we were a bit late for everything. We are still filling in the form for the 17 main staff members that work behind the scenes and whose efforts are vital to keeping the team together and preparing them for the challenges to come. Why were we so late? Well, May decided that before we departed on the trains and boats to here in United Adaikes that he had to do pre-flight checks. Even though we had no plane, and it took many hours. So long in fact that the old editor got tired of waiting and we had to appoint a new one. Yep, the editor doing this is new on the job. Wish him luck! Either way, no matter how unfortunate our reporters and editors are, they will always be better off than that Quiyakaso bloke.
James May continuing his pre-flight festival of analness. Even though we never used a plane.
The Hertfordshire and Jammbo National Team enter the team hotel, with no paparazzi at all because we threatened to cut out their tongues with scissors if they tried anything funny
Ah, it would appear that our representatives have arrived. The 52 main members depart the coach, adorned in dark green, gold and black. Er, hang on. Why is the Prime Minister there and why does he look like a leading member of the mafia?!
Prime Minister Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani, dressed for no apparently ready reason like a mafia boss. No wonder fans have taken to call him Caporegime Jammbo.
A-Anyway, back to the report. It is very late in night, so we presume they will want to get some dinner and go to bed, before training for tomorrow's game against Italia... is what we would be saying if we made this piece in time. In reality, our game against Italia has already finished and with unsatisfactory time limits for training. Even so, led by our sublime commanding 17, the Paradigm Compass donned their rather garish dark purple and blue kits (grey and pink for the goalie) and managed to put Italia down 2-3 in a great struggle of a match. The report for that will come later, as well as our report preceding the match against Arifiyyah, in which the team will suit up in the black, dark green and gold uniforms and do battle with this ambitious outfit. The goalkeeper will be wearing a white kits with gold cross and black borders on said cross. Actually, when the home kits were revealed in our initial post, many Adaikesian's and foreigners alike mistook us for the team represented by Saint Mark. That's despite the saints not even being in this tournament. No wonder they thought that though, the goalie home kit looks fittingly angelic.
The home shirt for the HAJFF goalkeepers: Hart, Dharkon & Keiki. No, this is not worn by Saint Mark's players.
To clear up all doubt, no, we will not be bringing live updates from training and anything other than the matches themselves and pre-match reports. Quite frankly, we do not understand why the other teams are doing that because we don't see the point in wasting our teams valuable time in speaking to some reporter. We simply do not care about it. Also, to be honest, the HAJFF might just be the weirdest team in this tournament. Have you seen the makeup of this lot? Only the Dilberian Doping Dogs can really surpass us in oddity. Don't tell us we aren't strange! Better yet, don't tell us that it is bad to be strange! As some of our reporters might say, 'Pride in Uniqueness'.
Right, that about ends our first proper report on the Football World Cup. Worry not Hertfordians and Jammbians, we will not let you down with a pathetically late report again. You know exactly what is next because you are intuitive and we do not need to tell you something that is almost certainly known already. We will say this to all those paying attention, as we speak Clarkson and Hammond are sabotaging the car that May brought along all the way to United Adaikes. Serves him right. On that bombshell it is time to end, thank you very much for reading, goodnight!
Exclusive camera footage from our RM Richard Hammond, of Clarkson about to wedge a chainsaw into May's Suzuki SJ.
- United Adaikes, Zoran, iOctagon and 2 others
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The official roster for the Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation, for entry into the World Cup of Football/Đe ȩfisl raste av đi Häřtferdsierndeambeu Fűtbočil Fedȩreisn, ćentri ìntú đi Wḙldkapavűtbočil/Нa Афитсиaлeн Списук зa нa Kaтфeдcиe aи Kaнфитьeлук Футбeул Фeдeрeитcиьa, зa влизeин ву нa Cвeтa Kaпe Футбeул
OOC Note: All personnel apart from the Prime Minister are based heavily on fictional characters or real-life people. Age was not a required fill-in part of the form for entry to qualification for the team and thus many people have their age as '???'.
Primary 11 - The First Team
Name Gender Age Number Main Position Birthplace Club League Hart Vecunmieks Male 52 30 Goalkeeper Zhyda Lyakrudak City Premiȩ Līg Yuuma Novak Male 14 39 Left Defender Havlívý Litvice United Premie Līg Konngara Adamov Unknown ??? 11 Centre Oropalota Százhamáz City Tsampiensip Damian Hristov Male 12 12 Right Defender Cornezina East Hîncebaesca United Premiȩ Līg Jeremy Clarkson Male 60 13 Defensive Midfielder Częswiec Ramyśl Tsampiensip Roger Runcis Male 35 36 Left Midfielder Orășov Bârlați Premiȩ Līg Bello Jēkabsons Male 10 2 Centre Midfielder Svätín Vranšov Premiȩ Līg Afuro Tytarenko Male 14 21 Right Midfielder Derazhnia Derta Zeus Tsampiensip Ike Gribusts Male 20 9 Attacking Midfielder Pyesty Sluwka Greilspur Premiȩ Līg Eiki Sproģe Female ??? 24 Forward Brské Krtovy Yamaxanadu Tsampiensip Rago Nesterenko Male ??? 18 Forward Veregrád Hatház Wanderers Tsampiensip Secondary 12 - The Substitutes
Name Gender Age Number Main Position Birthplace Club League Dharkon Tumsa Don't Try Asking ??? 4 Goalkeeper Dubăsabaesca Bucovăț United Premiȩ Līg Raiko Hristova Female ??? 32 Left Defender Tryzów Ludź Premiȩ Līg James May FemaleMale58 23 Central Defender Tăldiu Nădveni Shed Premiȩ Līg W. D. Gavrilov Male ??? 34 Right Defender ☼︎◆︎·︎□︎◻︎♋︎■︎⍓︎ Breznov Premiȩ Līg Satori Kornijchuk Female ??? 60 Defensive Midfielder Kotoson Bormyshl & Hluson Albion Tsampiensip Miles Endziņš Male 24 18 Left Midfielder Asinka Vasilahorsk United Tsampiensip Ivo Rudyk Male ??? 27 Central Midfielder Strakoviná Chrujovice Tsampiensip Sanae Kotenko Female ??? 90 Central Midfielder Tiszaros Sajószka Albion Tsampiensip Mukuro Ilieva Female ??? 22 Right Midfielder Canteceni Cimicănești United Tsampiensip Galeem Gaisma Don't Try Asking ??? 7 Attacking Midfielder Głokie Tarnolona City Tsampiensip Mettaton EXH Male ??? MTT Forward Bistrimeni Topolodele Premiȩ Līg Shadi Eglītis Male 40 57 Forward Michatin Troupe Handrica Premiȩ Līg Tertiary 12 - The Reserves
Name Gender Age Number Main Position Birthplace Club League Keiki Hadjiivanova Female ??? 19 Goalkeeper Krulatsk Zhystavy City Premiȩ Līg The Stig Attack Helicopter Mincemeat STIG Left Defender Náchochův Tádubice Premiȩ Līg Chihiro Fesenko Male ??? 36 Central Defender Csorjosmizse Mavas Premiȩ Līg Kirumi Tsvetkova Female ??? 31 Right Defender Nisspolul Maianoe City Premiȩ Līg Satoshi Melderis Male 17 64 Defensive Midfielder Zgienowo Toruków Tsampiensip Robert Chornyj Male 27 62 Left Midfielder Pătârciu Gherșița City Premiȩ Līg Chikage Alexova Female 14 8 Central Midfielder Žianovce Gelly Tsampiensip Asriel Dreimanis Male ??? 5 Central Midfielder Zonvuta Kobeltanka Premiȩ Līg Richard Hammond Male 51 26 Right Midfielder ByekayeBirminghamVilawye Rovers Tsampiensip Phoenix Rait Male 35 57 Attacking Midfielder Kroměsek Přestějov Courtroom Rangers Premiȩ Līg Takumi Furman Male 19 52 Forward Nyírdre Project Hatbóvár D Premiȩ Līg Whis Aigars Male ??? 46 Forward Maialul Ialoveri City Tsampiensip Commanding 17 - The Staff
Name Gender Age Initials Position Birthplace Residence Frisk Dachev Genderless ??? FR Manager Kędzielowa Gliwisko Flandre Sotirova Female 495 FS Assistant Manager Novadud Skarlet Devil Mansion Dio Burluka Male 122 DIO General Manager of Operations Levica Detchov Athena Cālīte Female 19 AC Director Zastavytsia Ravazhynets Junpei Tsymbalyuk Male 12 JT Head of Athletic Performance Dzyarban Byarosna Mina Maneva Female 12 MI Head of Sports Science Jiplice Kutjov Karen Kovalenko Female ??? KK First Team Coach Mezősháza Mezőhád Dhurke Symomenko Male 45 DS Head of Performance Analysis Otașinău Glona Heckyl Sprūde Male Old HS Goalkeeping Coach Świętochmża Chorda Chara Dreimanis Genderless ??? CD Substitutes Manager Slamos Kobeltanka Lisa Lazarenko Female 4 LL Head Physio Ružotín Royal Vrálanta Vekar Griķis Male ??? VE Sports Therapist Allynsk Zelenoson Clarkov Jammbonevych Furutani Male 17 CJF Kitman/Prime Minister Harlow Hoddesdon Seishirou Jukums Male 43 SJ Assistant Head Physio Zhabirki Faninava Quote HT Male ??? QT Head of Reserves Medicine Strakodřichův Uherchův Undyne Bezsmertnyy Female ??? UN Head of Player Development Szengárd Gyömna Asgore Dreimanis Male ??? AD Reserves Manager Zonvuta Kobeltanka The Know-How - Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation
The Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation is the governing body of football in the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordshire and Jammbo, a nation made of 3,000,000-4,000,000 people, with its headquarters located in the legislative capital Hoddesdon's Lunar Prime Stadium. While the HAJFF bases itself in Hoddesdon, Hoddesdonshire, the team itself is based just over the county border in Harlow, Norsex at the Pendulum Trinity Stadium. It organizes professional, semi-professional and amateur football in Hertfordia. The HAJFF also manages the National Football Club of Hertfordshire and Jammbo. Founded in 1419 as the Confederation of Hertfordian Football, it is one of the youngest football federations known, even so with the sport having burst onto the scene like it did over here in our own little corner of the world, it is already one of the largest organisations in the country. The HAJFF is 51% owned by fans and 49% owned by the Ministry of Sport, which in itself takes orders from HM Cabinet and the Prime Minister.
The Uniform - Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Kits
Home Kit (Player + Goalkeeper)
Spoiler'Away' Kit (Player + Goalkeeper)
Spoiler'Third' Kit (Player + Goalkeeper)
SpoilerThe Home Venue - Pendulum Trinity, Harlow, Norsex (Capacity: 73,620)
(DISCLAIMER: Ignore the inside, this is a photo of a real life stadium that Pendulum Trinity is based on)
The Badges - Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation Logos
The Tactics - 3W-1-3W-1-2
This formation's main strength is variability. The HFF can switch between many formations, including 3-1-3-1-2, 4-3-1-2, 3-4-1-2, 3-1-4-2, 3-1-3-3, 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 3-4-3 and 3-5-2 depending on the situation. The style of the HAJFF is a mixture of Gegenpressing with hints of Possession in normal play and Park-the-Bus when protecting a large lead, and the team has massive reserves of energy as long as it is not boiling hot. This team is definitely more suited to cold temperatures than most other nations, so we hope it is a chilly feel when we train and play matches. Each team member can play in at least 2 positions. The main strengths of the team are variability and the midfield. The main weakness is that the team does not play as well in hot weather as in cold weather, thanks to the climate back home. Luckily, United Adaikes is based at a very similar latitude to Hertfordshire and Jammbo so that works for us, even if it is rather a long trip. Insert long sleep on train to host country here.
(THE CLOCKWORK TRIDENT FORMATION)
Style Modifier: +3.7 (Offensive - Hard Offensive)
Tactics: Gegenpressing, Possession, Park-the-Bus
The Realism - Hertfordshire and Jammbo R.P. Permissions
Injure my players: Yes
Assign my players yellow cards: Yes
Assign my players red cards: Yes
Godmod injuries: No
Godmod scoring: No
Godmod other events: No- Zoran and United Adaikes
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Hertfordshire and Jammbo wishes to enter this football tournament. (Prototypes for potential team logo below)
Hertfordshire and Jammbo is also in the process of weighing up the pros and cons of putting in a bid to host the tournament. Decision will be reached in the next few days.
NOTE: Hertfordshire and Jammbo has decided not to bid for hosting of the 1421 Football World Cup. This is not because we do not wish to, we very much do want to host the tournament, but rather because we doubt anyone would want to play in a country where the coldest places are ice caps, the warmest places tend not to reach 10oC, 22m/h winds are almost constant, 93m/h winds in the south aren't uncommon and even 120m/h winds are prone to happening in the south-west reaches. Even in summer, which it is in H&J, it is still what many who have already bid for hosting would consider a cold autumn day.
Also more importantly, Hertfordshire and Jammbo is rather isolated from the rest of the world, in its own harsh yet picturesque part of the land. We would bloody love to host though and have the capacity to do so.
- United Adaikes and Arifiyyah
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Update
Hello and welcome to the final proper news section from the Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union for The West Pacific Rugby World Cup 2. This report is haphazardly put together because we have received word that Stratosfera Park, the home stadium of the HRJ, has commissioned a new Hall of Fame type thing to be built out of existing corridor. The working title is simply 'The West Pacific Rugby Union Trophy Cabinet' although the name 'Platinum West' named after the colour/metal most commonly utilized in national sporting awards is the frontrunner for the final name. Many others have been suggested. This new project will be designed to recognise the best of individuals and teams from across TWP. The first order of business is the specific area for teams as a whole. Exactly put, the teams that have been on the podium in this Rugby World Cup and the previous. Segments for 3rd placers Giovanniland & United Adaikes have already been finished as have segments for 2nd placers Fujai & Dalimbar. You'll be hard pressed to find these two near each other willingly, unless it is for trading insults and what not. In the wake of the Clan's victory in the current world cup, the segments for TWP Rugby World Cup winners Hertfordshire and Jammbo & Zoran has commenced construction. Expected completion time is a few weeks from now, give or take the occasional month. As stated previously, the final report will be on the individual and team themes as requested by fellow Andolian nation New Velka.
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Matchday 6 - Defeat
Eliminated from The West Pacific Rugby World Cup 2
Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen 16-22 United Adaikes Sharks
Tries:
Robert Lee (52'), Ongo Vidopliassova (59')
Penalties:
Jeremy Clarkson (7'), Damian Mladenov (63')
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Tonight: Nothing goes here, because we've been knocked out.
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Matchday 6 Report - Preview: Hello and welcome to the final matchday review of the entire tournament for us. Yes, you heard that right. We were defeated by a small debutant team from bloody Polaris. That damn continent again?! How much have they dominated sporting in recent memory, we wonder. It would be funny if it weren't so humiliating. This report has come late due to us really not wanting to make it, but a job's a job. So here goes nothing.
Matchday 6 Report - First Half: Match begins, and the 7th minute sees us immediately take the deserved lead through a penalty by Jeremy Clarkson. Hammond & May weren't petty, but we did find a mysteriously smashed drumkit after the match. That was the limit of our scoring in the first half as the Sharks inexplicably raised their defensive performance and managed to shut out the HRJ's brutal attack power. Admittedly, we were missing 3 players, one of which was a front-line player, but that is no excuse for a team once utterly dominant on the field, only to see itself yanked off it's podium by force. Yadda yadda yadda, we don't want to make this so it is half-arsed, Adaikes scored in the 17th and 37th minutes with tries, the first of which had a conversion come with the deal. Half time arrives, the HRJ were down 3-12.
Matchday 6 Report - Second Half: Like we said just before, this is completely half-arsed with little effort put in. The second half saw the HRJ go back to steamrolling the Sharks, placing immense pressure on their lines. They were, of course, rewarded with a 52nd minute try by captain Robert Lee and a 59th minute try by Ongo Vidopliassova. Coincidentally, both of them were two of the HRJ's best players in the first TWPRWC. Day of the veterans, almost. Adaikes responded immediately with a dubious penalty, before the Remnants responded to that response with a penalty of their own, Damian Mladenov eager to mentally break down the opponent. With that 11 minute blitz, despite the clearly incorrectly given Adaikes penalty, the HRJ were now back into the lead and quickly reasserting themselves as the superior team. It was clear to United Adaikes just why the Remnants had won the inaugural Rugby World Cup, here they were in their full glory, ready to plunge any and all hopeful adversaries into the despair of defeat, more often than not a crushing defeat. Damian's cruel tactics worked, for about 6 minutes, but when United Adaikes earned themselves a third try with added conversion bonus out of quite literally nowhere the tide turned. The brief silence of the crowds on both ends said it all really. Were United Adaikes about to pull off the shock of the tournament? The HRJ wasn't going to let that happen easily, pummeling the Adaikesian defenses with everything they could muster, including the natural randomness it held. Seriously though, have you seen this team's make-up, it is slightly ridiculous. What kind of place is Hertfordshire and Jammbo anyway?! Right, now that we are done plagiarising old reports, back to the game. Full-time struck and with it the hopes of retaining the title were torn in half. The Remnants had been defeated much to the joy of many other participants, most notably Fujai and Dalimbar who came close to actually agreeing with each other. Yeah, people really didn't want us to win a second time. They got their wish, hope they're happy because we certainly aren't. This game proved a few things. 1: No one can stay on top forever. 2: The superior team doesn't always come out the victors, shocks can and do happen. 3: Dear Lord, that Adaikesian defense were immensely good, they had to be in order to limit the HRJ to 16 points. It could have easily been something like HAJ 37-22 UAD if it weren't for them. 4: United Adaikes were the dark horse of the tournament, at least until they weren't. Full time score, 16-22 to United Adaikes. Oh cock!
Next Time: Back to the land of the countryside for us. Do not expect the reports to end though. A special update consisting of all the themes of the players will be coming out in the near future. A fellow Andolian nation called New Velka asked all the other nations what their teams themes were. We aim to answer that question and then some. Based on margin of loss we have finished 7th in the tournament, at least we got the lucky number position. The Sharks on the other hand suffered a low scoring 9-5 defeat to, you guessed it, Dalimbar. That's not gone well. The landmine junta could be on the way to win it all if they can get past the refugee-wielding king of judo Zoran. Beware the Floridamen. They will most likely pull out all the stops from their seemingly bottomless pit of tactics. Considering that Zoran were handily defeated by us in this same tournament, and we made light work of the Dalimbari in the first Rugby World Cup, we think Dalimbar have what it takes to win the trophy and show the barbarians what for. Now if you'll excuse us, we need to vent our frustrations at some important details. Goodbye.
Elsewhere: Remind us why the hell BetterBy Pharma drugs were found in the pre-match refreshments!!! That's just wrong!
- United Adaikes, Dalimbar and Zoran
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Matchday 5 - Defeat
Big Bad Badger 15-13 Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen
Tries:
Ongo Vidopliassova (19'), Bello Salman (74')
Penalties:
Mina Klebitz (34')
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Tonight:
Isaac doesn't realize his cat is dead, Keiki seems mildly surprised, and Jeremy shouts "POWERRRRRRR!".
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Matchday 5 Report - Preview: Hello and welcome to the final matchday review of the group stages. This report will cover our match with Big Bad Badger, a nation who we thought since they were more into ultimate frisbee than rugby, and because we already defeated them in the previous tournament, that it would be a cake walk. Fate would tell otherwise in a very close battle that ultimately ended with the Remnants suffering not just their first loss of the 2nd TWP Rugby World Cup, but their absolute first loss. Ever. The HRJ took a massive hit in the rankings, dropping below Doll Guldur's last remaining representative Libterraria. Mind you, that didn't really affect us that match, factoring in the truth that it was the knockout stages of the inaugural World Cup where we really put ourselves on the sporting map. Besides, it was bound to happen eventually, no team can stay unbeaten forever. The HRJ managed to go on a 9 match winning streak before Badger finally halted that today. Oh, are we getting a bit carried away? Sorry, let's get on with the match review. We would like to point out that through injury, Isaac and Jeremy have been replaced in the starting 15 by Mamoru and Mina.
Matchday 5 Report - First Half: Time for the match to commence and as the rankings produced by Dalimbar would suggest, the HRJ quickly took the initiative and control of the match was in the palm of their hands, just as Faust and Rago had planned. While there was no immediate try, it was inevitable at this rate that we would draw first blood and we did, veteran star Ongo Vidopliassova lumping in a try in the 19th minute. That was certainly reward for running the Badgerians ragged like we did. But then, something very strange happened. Instead of being forced under more pressure, Big Bad Badger decided to treat their next attack as if it were their last of the tournament. This bamboozled the HRJ lines, who collapsed out of formation in shock at this unprecedented high risk move. It paid off for the Badgerians who were able to sneak in a narrow try despite the best efforts of our defence. Faust was fuming, partially at the team for allowing the opponent to level up the score but mostly at Badgeria for actually being able to pull that off. It seemed everyone on the HRJ camp had underestimated their adversaries, but no more! There would be no dawdling from this point on, and the HRJ turned up the performance, quickly reminding the Badgerians who they were trifling with. It was late in the first half, 34 minutes gone, when under immense pressure a Badgerian player committed a foul against one of our own. Mina took the penalty, and scored, putting us back into the lead. What was clearly etched into the minds of the manager and coach though was that Big Bad Badger were putting up far more of a fight than anyone could have anticipated. They had nothing left to fight for, except maybe the 3rd spot in our group and what good is that when only the top 2 can make it to the quarter finals? It was a baffling scenario. Faust and Rago knew they had to think of some new tactics and fast. Half-time arrived, Hertfordia leads 5-8.
Matchday 5 Report - Second Half: Just like in our match against Zoran, we fell behind in the early stages of the second half to a second Badgerian try. This came as a lesser shock to the Remnants, but as a colossal shock, dare we say a wake up call to the fans of the HRJ. They were so used to seeing the Remnants take early leads in the second half. Seemingly a few other teams had caught on to this trademark of ours. If they have, then that removes a significant avenue for scoring. Not only did Badgeria do that to us, they were now in the lead. But if we had learnt anything from the Zoran game, it's that a comeback should always be considered as on the cards. With the team rejuvenated from that fresh thought, they charged hard at the Badgerian defence to take back the match and skewer them just as we had done before. Solemnly we have to tell you that this time it was different. The team seemed to have been badly affected by the events of this game and even the manager's words of wisdom were null and void against the feeling of doubt setting in that maybe the HRJ were being caught up to by everyone. For some players this was dreaded, they had been dominant for so long now. For others though some new competition sounded just like what the doctor ordered. Matches could be even more exciting than they already were. Please just let us find a silver lining, we can't be all doom and gloom. Nearly halfway through the second half and things couldn't possibly get worse, and then they were, because it was time for Big Bad Badger to score their third try of the match. This time through actual talented manoeuvres, not errors by us. Well done to them. Now we really were in trouble, 7 points down with 22 minutes left. We've had worse situations. Try as they might the HRJ simply couldn't break down the Badgerian defences. Most likely explanation is that this almost inconceivable situation had filled them with the confidence and then some to square up to the certified best rugby team in The West Pacific, to finally drag the south-ish east Andolia outfit down a peg. Just 6 minutes from the final whistle, Bello decided to ease nerves by pummeling in a try of his own, bringing our score up to 13. Still 2 points behind our opposition. The reason we have not mentioned conversions until now is because they haven't been happening. This was a match where conversions would have been a godsend. Our failure to score any of the two conversions was the difference between a 10th straight victory and the harsh reality of defeat. The referee's whistle signaled the coming of the harsh reality. The Remnants had lost to Big Bad Badger in an excruciatingly close battle, end result of which was defeat by comeback. Good job Badgerians, you have earned this commendation from us. We are still hurting though. Considering how oddly similar the three scorers for us were, no wonder people are calling this match 'Jammbo's Cliff Edge'.
Next Time: Now that we are back on schedule at long last, we have no need to mention that we won the group and will face United Adaikes in the quarter finals. They will have the 'home advantage' as described in the Dalimbari built and run ranking service. We sit in the number 2 spot having dropped from the top position, meanwhile the Sharks are 10th having fallen from 6th. Big Bad Badger finish in 3rd in Group C. Despite them being knocked out, they can return to a satisfied crowd back at their home in north-western Polaris with the added smugness of being the first team to ever defeat the HRJ. Good on them. Now, time to prepare for our next match, something ongoing long before this was posted. Goodbye readers, see you all again in tomorrows news report.
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Matchday 4 - Victory
Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen 17-3 Reçueçn
Tries:
Nagisa Tsankov (13'), Isaac Moriah (25'), Keiki Hadjiivanova (62')
Conversions:
Takumi Mihailov (63')
Injuries:
Isaac Moriah (36'), Jeremy Clarkson (68')
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Tonight:
Satori does detective work, Britannia stands on a podium with a lion, and Galeem appears different.
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Matchday 4 Report - Preview: Welcome to this overly late report on matchday 4 against the previous Rugby World Cup hosts Reçueçn, who despite the issues regarding embassy protests last time round had a pleasant match with an overall lack of excessive violence. Obviously there was violence, this is a sport where people ram into each other with body armour on. There were two red cards in our previous match which saw Satori replaced with Nagisa and Kaguya replaced with Takumi. As we'll see, this match was stolen by the first-time players. We did say that the report would come yesterday but it took longer than we thought. Quality over quantity, are we right?
Matchday 4 Report - First Half: Match begins, and was immediately slightly tense. Just kidding, it was actually rather nice for a rugby match. The opposition done well to hold the HRJ back but they couldn't hold on forever and debutant Nagisa, who replaced Satori at the very front of the formation, scored the first try of the match. No conversion, did we really need to point that out, because it's pretty obvious that we wouldn't. Roughly an equal amount of time between the first try and second try as was between kick-off and the first try passed when Isaac slotted a second try to make it 10-0 to the Remnants. Guess what didn't happen. We'll let you figure that out for yourselves. We really aren't the best at symmetry but as the times of our scoring show we can get rather close. The half then turned into a dominant display, by the HRJ of course, as Reçueçn were forced into their own half by the HRJ's aggressive attacking style of play. However at the 36th minute spirits were dampened as Isaac, who we believe has scored 2 tries this tournament, found himself badly injured forced to be carried off on a stretcher. Faust, the manager, made no delay in bringing him off and giving Mamoru Petrovskis his first appearance. Still, even with that loss we still had another superb player replacing him on the pitch and our dominance continued right up until half-time, when only the whistle of the referee gave Reçueçn some room to breathe. Half time score, HRJ 10-0 REC, it's nice to be back to commanding ways at half-time intervals.
Matchday 4 Report - Second Half: The second half begins. Fans of the Remnants will know that we are particularly skilled in taking early leads, especially when it comes to the second half. This match flipped the tried and tested formula on it's head, the HRJ fell behind in the early stages to a penalty warranted by a light foul on one of the opposition players, which thankfully did not result in any card. The referee is on point today it would seem. The scoreline above shows that the ex-hosts did not score any more than those solitary 3 points, meaning the outcome of this match is blatantly clear to all who pay even the slightest bit of attention to rugby. But that does not mean we are done shoving important TWPRWC information down your willing throats, not by a long shot. We bet our dedicated readers and followers want to see how the rest of the match went and we guarantee that this review won't disappoint under any circumstances. A load of light rampaging through the disheveled Reçueçn formation was what fate insisted on happening which was a blessed relief to the HRJ considering the fact that the opposition camp could have easily been spurred on by their penalty. At the minute known as 62, that's just over an hour of play, Keiki managed to make a long-awaited impact by stretching the HRJ's lead to 12 points. She's a sculptor god, so the creation of a try out of absolutely bloody nowhere was bound to occur. Her sculpting arts made miracles yet again immediately afterwards, lo and behold! An actual conversion, that was actually scored. It's probably quite annoying to see this review emphasising the word 'actually' like it was some sort of addictive prescription drug, to which we say that not only did the HRJ score a conversion, it was scored by another debutant, tofu delivery driver and touge racer Takumi Mihailov. Surely you all remember him from his silver medal at the TWP Olympics. His incredible skills have been honed for touge racing despite the obvious lack of mountainous terrain let alone mountains in Hertfordshire and Jammbo. 5 minutes after that and Jeremy had the brilliant idea of trying to ram through the entire Reçueçn team on his lonesome. Sometimes if you listen closely you can actually hear his genius. Armed with tried and tested philosophy of 'Speed and Power!' he plowed through as many players as he could which if executed correctly would have meant a clear run to the try zone for the Remnants. Nope, midway through he was injured by an opposition player. Scratch that, he injured himself because he's a pillock. On the bench Hammond and May were, as ever, right there for him. Cue Hammond and May laughing hysterically at Clarkson's failure. He was brought off for Mina Klebitz. Comedy gold was produced by the HRJ, add that to the list of things we do well. The remainder of the match, 12 minutes to be precise, was pretty lackluster with more effort devoted to laughing at Jeremy than to the actual match. Not that it mattered, as the Remnants had recorded a convincing 17-3 victory against the former Rugby World Cup hosts. Full-time merely confirmed this.
Next Time: The next report will be on matchday 5 and its game against Big Bad Badger. We will not reveal the outcome of that match, partially because we want to keep it a secret so reading our reviews won't seem utterly pointless, and partially because we kind of don't want to reveal the result. We guess you can see where this is going. Either way, presently the HRJ have finished the group in 1st place and move on to the quarter finals. You know that nation that put together that group outcome analysis we praised in an earlier review? Well, we are taking them on next. They're a debutant nation, 1 of 4 representing Polaris, a continent which quite frankly has dominated overall sporting for long enough. United Adaikes is next, we await the match eagerly. The opponents, Reçueçn, finished the group in 4th spot following their loss to the HRJ and an easy victory over Teralyon, whose showing this tournament has just been a complete disaster. Now come on Remnants, you are the last of Andolia's representatives. Bring it home for nation and continent! In other news, Takumi's father Bunta is wondering how his AE86 has been turned into an AE85. What do we think, ladies & gentleman?
Disclaimer: We are definitely not going to make our reports any more flashy or broad. Yes, we were actually asked to do that. Have you people ever heard of understatement? Come on, this is the HRJ writing the reports, we thought this was sorted earlier.
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Matchday 3 - Victory
National Athletics Clan of Zoran 14-24 Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen
Tries:
Britannia Degre (5'), Shang Rozītis (46'), Peter Cipriani (57'), Ongo Vidopliassova (75')
Conversions:
Bello Salman (47'), Isaac Moriah (76')
Red Cards:
Kaguya Birziņa, (23'), Satori Vinters (53')
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Tonight:
Peter uses facial expressions that aren't frowning, Robert puts up a picture, and Barack takes Dilberian drugs.
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Matchday 3 Report - Preview: Hello and welcome to this matchday report by us, the HRJ. We apologize for not sending this out to viewers yesterday, there was a problem at our media studio (Lowfield) when protesters decrying the obviously impure nature of the coach stormed the offices and attempted to hijack the news that the dedicated reporters were in the process of writing. As if everyone didn't know Rago was an evil sod already. Anyway, matchday 3 was against Zoran. Of all the debutant teams, the clansmen seemed to be the best performing, already hitting a lofty 3rd in the rankings. As you can probably tell from the scoreline displayed way above, the Remnants were able to put the clan in their place. The Zoranian refugees, who may or may not have been given a dose of Dilberian 'essential oils', meanwhile were dealt with swiftly and accordingly by the Hertfordian mafia. They were expecting the famous Zoranian judo team to turn up and knock out the referee and a few of our players, but they never turned up. Probably out drinking somewhere. The mafia (Ḿafie) refused to let their long trip to Dilber go to waste, so they 'subtly' threatened the refugees on the sidelines. By pointing their guns at them and shooting a few times in a 'Get Off My Lawn' way. Don't worry, thankfully there were no casualties. It wasn't worth it to the mafia and the HRJ would be in real deep waters with human rights activists. Wanna know why the HRJ is so associated with the mafia? Well, Peter Cipriani is a high ranking member if the Ļaien Crime Family, one of Hertfordshire & Jammbo's most powerful mafia organisations.
Matchday 3 Report - First Half: After that fiasco involving the mafia, refugees and judo was over, the match officially commenced. It didn't take long at all for the HRJ to go into the lead, their experience with taking early leads shining through against a Zoran team who might have been counting on the refugees or judo team to help them today. It was Britannia Degre who scored the try in the 5th minute, and a conversion did not happen. To be honest, the one area where we are relatively weak is conversions. Fast forward 10 minutes and it became clear to the HRJ why their aggressive play brings risks. 15 minutes gone and Zoran had brought the score back to 3-5 through a penalty. They then started to get a good foothold in the game, and the early dominance of the HRJ was little by little scraped away. A nicely even match was played out, all for the span of ~4 minutes. Kaguya Birziņa decided to make things worse for the Remnants by getting herself sent off. Our guess is that she attempted to create a false moon or something. Down to 14 players and down 6-5. It wasn't looking good. Literally 2 minutes after that debacle, Zoran got a try elevating their score to 11. They failed the conversion, allowing us to breathe a sigh of relief. For the rest of the half, the HRJ were pinned in their own half as Zoran attempted to make their numerical advantage count for something, yet were unable to. First half over, NACZ 11-5 HRJ, clearly Faust had to make a rant.
Matchday 3 Report - Second Half: Remember when we said that we are experienced with early leads? Want to see that again? Well you can and you did, when Shang Rozitis angrily hurled the ball into the try zone before letting Bello take care of the conversion. Yes, we scored a conversion. More importantly the manager's rant appeared to have had an effect, because just 7 minutes into the 2nd half and we were back in the lead although we still weren't going to have it easy. That point was proved at the 53 minute mark by Satori who was inexplicably sent off for... reasons. Prime Minister Clarkov Furutani Jammbonevych called it a bunch of balls. Without our resident mind reader, we could no longer anticipate the opponents tactics and moves, making the job of holding on to the narrowest of advantages that much harder. But recall back to the previous TWP Rugby World Cup final where we were in a similarly treacherous position. The hero of that match Peter turned up in a surprisingly sharp yet stylish business-like suit and threatened the Zoranian defenders with unpleasant consequences unless they allowed him through. He succeeded, thereby scoring a try and making our lead a bit less nerve-wracking. Did we forget to mention that Zoran scored a third penalty raising their score to 14-5 before this? Yes? Well we have now. The second half from then on devolved into a strange occurrence, due to the now 13-player HRJ managing to somewhat outplay the 15-player Zoran. We couldn't resist a late jab to the clansmen, in the 75th minute 5 minutes from time, Ongo made up for his stupid yellow card in the previous match by sealing victory and a second win in the group stages. Fellow previous-match-yellow-card receiver Isaac laid the cherry on top of an overall satisfying second half performance. Full time could not come soon enough for the opposite camp, whose manager had to watch his team squander a lead against an opponent with 2 red cards dished out to them. Even if that opponent was the reigning champion. Match review over, a hard fought win for the Remnants.
Next Time: Due to the late time at which this was posted, we must get on with the review of another match that occurred during the aforementioned disruption, that of our convincing win against Reçueçn. Despite potential for an aggrieved match thanks to Hertfordian protesters at the 1st tournament, there were no major scraps or much tension at all. Glad we still have an overall quality relationship with the north-central Polaris outfit. The next match at time of publishing is against Badgeria, a nation more interested in ultimate frisbee than rugby. Expect it to be a cake walk, if we don't get hungover from already winning the group per United Adaikes above-par analysis of the groups. Zoran will leave wondering if their judo team actually turns up in the future. They have played all their matches, having defeated Teralyon in between the NACZ/HRJ match and now. They now await who their opponent in the quarter final will be, like us. Who will the HRJ battle once the group stages end? The candidates are Fujai, Saint Mark and United Adaikes. Goodbye, we're off to report again. We really need a vacation once this is over, a trip to western Andolia sounds nice.
- Dalimbar, United Adaikes and Zoran
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Matchday 2 - Victory
Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen 15-0 Teralyon
Tries:
Damian Mladenov (1'), Satori Vinters (2'), Galeem Gaismas (16')
Yellow Cards:
Isaac Moriah (12'), Hiroto Mucenieks (32'), Ongo Vidopliassova (48')
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Tonight:
Hiroto glares disapprovingly, Bello looks completely ridiculous, and Shang tries to steal someone's soul.
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Matchday 2 Report - First Half: Well, by some miracle the HRJ made it to Dilber in time to see the first matches, which didn't disappoint. They used the time to analyze their opponents and see who in their group would be the biggest challenge. After much careful deliberation over some Bovril that James helpfully provided, it was concluded that Zoran, a debutant team, would be the most dangerous team to the HRJ's hopes of retaining the title. But enough about that as this is a report about the routine victory over Teralyon. That it was a victory wasn't really a surprise, considering that per the new rankings that Dalimbar have calculated Teralyon is the worst competitor currently besides Nieubasria. So you would be forgiven for thinking that the team were slacking off but nope, manager Faust and coach Rago drilled it into the players that they need to work just as hard as before if they want to have a hope in heaven of winning a 2nd time. The players clearly responded. The match began and then paused, then resumed and then paused again. The culprit? Two quick tries from Damian and Satori respectively. The fans of both teams were stunned into silence, even with this mostly new look roster the HRJ seemed no worse off. There was simply an appetite to get it over with. After all, everyone on the HRJ wanted a rest after the tiring trip to Dilber. 12 minutes in and Isaac gets himself booked for a light foul, before Galeem put the game to bed before a quarter of the match could pass. Those strange wings and rigid hair aren't just for show. Park-the-bus was activated, save for a blip when the disapproving Hiroto exacted his displeasure on an opposition player and got himself the yellow card. What a clot. The first half ended, with utter dominance by the Remnants.
Matchday 2 Report - Second Half: Not much to say here. The team was tired, the manager and coach were tired, all of them just wanted the game to end. So fans were in for the most insultingly drab half of a rugby match in memory. Sorry, not sorry. Luckily Ongo, a veteran from the first TWPRWC and one of the teams best players, has a kind heart and spiced things up a bit with a 'mistimed' tackle. Into the book he went. At least something happened, eh? After many many minutes of abject snore fest, full time arrived and the Remnants had swatted aside a Teralyon team who, despite having a sword on their flag, had a most blunt attack imaginable. I mean, we're an attacking, aggressive team with a high line and they still couldn't score a single point on us! We hear that Faust gave a call to the Prime Minister, Clarkov Furutani Jammbonevych 'Clarkson', expressing shock at how quickly the match was laid to rest. He was informed by the PM that one of the try scorers is infamous as an apparent mind reader. That might explain the unsettling thing that looks like some sort of third eye on Satori then. Whatever the reason, the HRJ had creamed their first match, now if you'll excuse us we're going to bed. Goodnight!
Next Time: The HRJ have their next match against the aforementioned danger team of the group. Matchday 3 was to pit them against the National Athletics Clan of Zoran, who had won both of their two matches so far without conceding. Tough challenge, but since when did we back down from a challenge? Teralyon meanwhile have what is likely the worst PD in the tournament and will be thankful for a bye on the next matchday.
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Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen - Update
Tonight:
Ongo lazes around, Kaguya opens some doors, and Damian raises a gate.
Hello and welcome to the first proper news section from the Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union for the 2nd The West Pacific Rugby World Cup. If you're wondering why we aren't naming the HRJ in the country's native Anglian tongue and are instead using this strange language that for some reason everyone in this rugby world cup can understand, then stop wondering. It's because we can, now zip it! Anyway, let's get on with the announcement of the kits for our team, the Remnants. They are also often called the Hell Ravens, but the Remnants is the official nickname.
The shorts and socks will be out at a slightly later time. There is also no sponsor at all, because sponsors on sporting related kits do not exist.
As for the first matchday, we have a bye as the HRJ are in a 5 team group, Group C. The first match will be on Matchday 2 against Teralyon. Until then, we are boarding the ferry that will take us to the land of Dilber. Who bets on us getting lost? We hope to avoid it.
Signed, Härtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen
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Steelbats, Not Steelbacks! - 132/4 (20 overs)
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1st T20 World Cup [rosters, roleplays, results]
in Roleplay - How the West Was Won
Posted
T20 World Cup Matchday 2 - Review - Victory
Hertfordia Snowstorm won against Teraljonska Cricket Tim by 1 wicket
Scorers of wickets:
Patrick Manev (3), 
Faust Ḩarełeudeiem (4)
Rago Niedra - The cricket fans of Hertfordshire & Jammbo don't call him the God of Destruction for nothing. Rago was ruthless in both batting and fielding, never giving the Teralyon lot a chance to breathe. So that's the Black Sun's power, huh? We can't wait to see more of it.
Patchouli Knalide - The unmoving great library is back, and no where near as good as her last outing. Maybe it's due to the fact that her asthma was playing up more than usual in the match. Can't blame her for something like that.
Robert Cherganski - Through sheer grit and determination, earned from growing up in the slums of Great Parndon (yes they exist), Robert made his way to a respectable 25 runs. He certainly made a show of himself with all the twirling.
Richard Hammond - Very similar to Robert, apart from the clearly lesser display. He clearly didn't appreciate Roberts twirling and tried to pick a fight. He received a cane to the face.
Derek Sokolov - Lucky number seven in total runs in this match, although being lucky isn't entirely going to help HNDK win matches.
Reimu Hadjieva - The so-called 'Wonderful Shrine Maiden of Paradise' made herself known on this particular matchday. Mind you, it wasn't because of her on-pitch performance.
Ryosuke Tīrelis - Bastion of Project D, certainly unable to invoke the spirit of Touge against the Teralyon team. It can't happen every day.
Naho Sotirova - Try and imagine the most generic performance that a completely abnormal person could perform. That's what the audiences received from her. We couldn't tell what was going on because we were too busy drifting off to sleep.
Dynamis Dudka - It's hard to tell whether Dynamis is a wise and benevolent guide or just plain crazy. Either way, he struck a 4 and then went away, probably to look for omens or something. We don't know anymore.
Lisa Lazarenko - Pretty much the same as Naho's performance, except people seem to find this prodigy a lot more interesting than the resident occultist. A voice of logic in a sea of mythical beliefs.
If this game epitomized anything, it's that every little helps. Much like that shop motto we saw a while back. Most of the batters got scores below 10, but combined they slowly built up the HNDK score to allow Rago and Robert to run the show. That's exactly what they done, easily sweeping the Teraljonska Cricket Tim aside and surpassing their run total with 4.5 overs to spare. This converts to 27 bats or so we think. This leaves us with 1 win, a somewhat easy one over Teralyon and 1 loss, an unfortunate one in which a late rally by Cambria allowed them to squeeze past us in a tight finish with just 5 bats to spare. Speaking of Cambria, they have already qualified as the Group B winners, having beaten the Blue Runners of Blue Bubble/Glenpavia in what might have been a routine win. This leaves the table of Group B with Cambria in first and staying there, while Teralyon are doomed to finish rock bottom of the group and with Cambria as their final match of the tournament, things don't look too good for them. The other match is where it's all at stake, for Hertfordshire & Jammbo will be pitted against Glenpavia/Blue Bubble in San Dojas' Faltech Arena. The victor of this match will qualify for the Super 8 in second, the loser will be eliminated from the T20 World Cup in third. In the event of a draw, our future opposition would go through due to holding a higher Net Run Rate (NRR). Please note that the 3 names we chose through that poll back home are switched around regularly in a 3-match cycle. This is why we were called Hertfordia Snowstorm in this match, and why Hertfordia Shrine Maidens will be the name for the upcoming match. Now we shall introduce the results of the matches with the charmingly insulting flair that you, the cricket fans of H&J, seemed to appreciate.
Matchday 2 - Results
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Group A
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Group B
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Group C
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Group D
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* = Denieria, Fhaengshia, Zoran & Dalimbar have not yet submitted official logos for their cricket team.
** = This is not the official Dilberian "cricket" team logo, we just put it there for laughs. We're still not sorry.