TRR Hits the Hash, SovCon declares War!

[Biyah]

It has been three days since TRR’s heinous media regime, lead by the former pirate turned Boy-rocker Whamabama and the new rock sensation Kogvuron, declared a propaganda war on The Pacific News Network.

Not six hours before this surprise announcement, security had been called to the Rejected Realms Communal Gardens due to a fire in the ‘recreational corner’. With a cry of woe, firemen and TRR security folk heroically  fought the flames to save their primary cash crop (and their only entertainment for a saturday night), but were forced to admit defeat when the entire field was destroyed.

Several farmers, three cats and a Pacifican diplomat were later found quarrelling  over a bag of cheetos near the crime-scene, each with a dazed look in their eye. The Pacifican was immediately detained for questioning and hasn’t been heard from since. Rumors that he carried a peace accord and trade agreement in his diplomatic satchel have not been confirmed or denied by the Government of TRR at the time of printing, despite several calls by Biyan journalists seeking a statement.

What can’t be denied is that before the smoke had even cleared, high ranking members of The Rejected Times, whose pages end up in the outhouse less than the Sears Catalog only because the ink tends to smear into uncomfortable places (Paid Advertisement: Bio-ink, it’s a new standard in cheap publishing! Invest it Bio-Ink Inc today!), stood forth and declared:

”...the PNN's day has come. The Rejected Realms Media Corporation, led by Chief Executive Officer Kogvuron, Deputy Executive Officer Earth, and Deputy Executive Officer Hileville, hereby declare war on the Pacific News Network. This "news" network's stream of falsehoods will dry up like a river in the desert against the mighty front of Corporation. Long live Democracy! Long live Truth!

Kogvuron, Head of The Rejected Times, at a press conference where he announced that Pacifica had burned down their Marijuana garlic fields. And, coincidentally, that TRT was declaring war on PNN.


This announcement, and TRT’s generally peeved attitude, has not gone unnoticed by the wider NS world.

Noted metal rocker turned investigative reporter New Kersovokia, recently back from a Pacifican Tribute Concert given for the scarred survivors of Francoism, released the following statement to the Biyan Press:

”We didn’t burn their weed, those plants could have been used to weave the ropes we use to keep our slav... peasants in their proper place. What do you think we are, stupid?”

And that’s not all! In a recent stunning development, the Secretary General of Sovereign Confederation, of which The Pacific is member, gave a rousing forty-five minute speech to the assembled delegates of the Confederation. Her final paragraph summed it up:

“I am deeply saddened by the unprovoked, unwarranted, and cold-blooded attack launched against the Pacific News Network by warmongers at The Rejected Times. Such a grave threat to journalistic integrity and independence can not and will not go unanswered. To attack one of our members is to attack us all, and Sovereign Confederation stands unwavering in defense of the PNN against such wanton aggression. The Rejected Times must issue an apology, or it will feel the full force of SovCon’s rage! Let us muster our pundits for battle, that generations to come may sing of our bravery!”

The end of her speech was only slightly marred by the loud call of ‘Fresh Hotdogs!’ from a vendor walking through the impressive stadium-sized auditorium. Even so, thunderous applause was heard throughout Confederation chambers, followed by an immediate rise in the price of cigarettes, typewriter ribbons and blogger software.


Astarial, Secretary General of SovCon, calling Journalists and Pundits to battle.


Almost immediately; journalists, TV personalities and pundits from across Biyah were called to government service under the Biyan Emergency News and Propaganda Act (BENPA), and brought together to formulate a strategy for what is already being dubbed ‘the Second World-News War’.

The Biyan News has learned that similar emergency calls have been placed across all the nations and regions of SovCon. Coffee, donuts and red correction pencils are absolutely flying off the shelves, and sweet cream is reportedly in short supply! It is the opinion of the National Biyan Commerce Department, given in an emergency report, that if this war lasts longer than 90 days, Biyah will have to start rationing its cows exclusively for the war effort.

From this reporter’s own personal experience, while ordering my usual half-skinny half-whole extra-hot split-quad-shot vanilla-hazelnut-caramel no-foam half-whip extra-straw latte, signs have been hung in the window reporting essential ingredient shortages - and the maestro at Starbucks looked absolutely harassed as fifty impatient reporters screamed for more from behind me.


Biyan Pundists at SovCon Media Hall, in a strategy session.


Will this media frenzy become the next real war? Will Wham the Depantser and his company stick their heads in the sand; will The One Rejects pull back from their world tour to stand forth and do battle? Will Biyah, Equilism, Gatesville, and The Pacific need to start a cow-breeding program to increase war supplies? Stay tuned!

In
other news: the Biyan News Corporation has discovered a disturbing rise in the number of Unibotians buying matches and other fire starting implements... why? The answer may surprise you! Tune in to hear the story on the Aklantha news, live at ten!

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[big]Correction: [/big] A mistake was made at time of printing. TRR does not claim to grow garlic, as only hippie fundamentalists would grow such a horrid crop. They were growing 'squash'.

Under the Bus and it's parent corporation, DBNK Inc, apologizes for this misprint profusely.

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Under the Bus: A syndicated Biyan infotainment column.
Copyright 2013, Biyan News Enterprises, a subsidiary of DBNK Inc.
Released under SovCon Communications by permission, DBNK Inc.


 

[Bhang Bhang Duc]

What do call a journalist drowning on the ocean floor?

 

A start.

[Biyah]

I suspect you'll be wishing for lead shoes, once all of us start posting

[Westwind]

*sigh*

 

I suppose this means WTF News will need to print it's next issue.....

[Darkesia]

I already miss Flemingovia.

[Tweedy]