Clarkov
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Hertfordian Confederal Olympic Committee - Häřtferdien Ķenfedrel Ęlimpik Kęmitī
Hello and welcome to this handy guide to the monarchical system of Hertfordia. This has been penned in response to accusations of foul play within our qualification system that decides who will become an athlete for our nation. We wish to explain to those who get confused with the country's system in the best possible way we can. Strap yourselves in, folk!
Part 1: The Monarchy
Hertfordia is a monarchy. That is only the tip of the story, though. Hertfordia runs a rather unorthodox system known as 'Confederal Parliamentary Elective Constitutional Monarchy' or CPECM for short. Basically, the monarchy of Hertfordia has existed since ancient times, when the country was first founded. Only recently in 1418 did the previous Prime Minister issue a proposal, which passed overwhelmingly in the Verkhovna Anglia, to abolish the hereditary monarchy and replace it with an elective monarchy.
To be able to run for the position of King/Queen/Tsar/Tsaress of Hertfordia (Formerly Grand Duke), a few requirements need to be met: 1) You must be 21 or over - 2) You must have completed all forms of mandatory education - 3) You must have taken a university course in politics and/or national history - 4) You must be born in Hertfordia to native parents - 5) You must not have ever committed a crime of any sort.
If you can meet all these criteria, them you can easily be accepted as a candidate, and then start convincing the people why you should be the head of state. There are reasons for each of these. 1 is purely traditional, we have always had elections where people can join from 21 years of age. 2 and 3 are to make sure the monarch is not just some bumbling fool who drives Hertfordia into the ground. 4 is to make sure only Hertfordians/Jammbians/etc. can rule Hertfordia and has the express purpose of preventing foreigners from being eligible for the Crown of St. Edmund. 5, well, who wants a convicted criminal in power?
Often, there are many different candidates, but only a few can be considered properly qualified.
To conclude, no, the King is not in power due to his lineage. He is in power because we, the people, have willed him to be in power, through his policies alone.
Part 2: The Qualification Process
This will be a long part. Simply, our qualification process is open to everyone from Hertfordia with descent tied to the peoples of this nation. Wealth is not considered and access is equal. Both the King/Tsar and the Prime Minister entered because they wanted to be able to represent the country on a global sporting stage, and just like everyone else they have had to go through qualification to make sure they are suitable enough to be chosen.
The evidence is clear that these two were brought here on the merits of sporting talent, not some fictional reason relating to privilege. For proof, just look at their performances. King/Tsar Mečislavs Deben achieved third place in the Mountain Biking and as for the Prime Minister, well, Clarkov Clarkson has a gold medal in Javelin he would love to talk to you about, but we advised, no scratch that, TOLD him not to do that the almost certain grounds that everyone listening would literally die of boredom. We also have athletes from a poor background, so don't go lecturing us about privilege when even those in poverty can join in on the Olympic fun. It is not a good look.
Long story short, people have come on merit alone. Privilege plays absolutely no part, in fact the use of one's position to gain advantages of any form in selection is illegal under both HCOC rules and Hertfordian law. We do not want to act as a puppet of the rich and powerful. So we aren't.
We also must point out that Radovan, the war criminal, was not chosen by us. He smuggled in past security and if anyone was paying even the slightest bit of attention they would have noticed Radovan Artemovych being arrested by Cambrian 5-0 with help from Hertfordian law enforcement during the mountain biking event. He registered with us under the false pretext of qualification. Yes, we admit, our security measures are a bit awful, hence why Artemovych was even in the Olympic roster at all. We will therefore take measures to improve our security and make sure such a transgression does not occur again.
Conclusion: the claims of the FIF and specifically Haugen are twaddle. It is all a load of absolute rubbish and we will hear no more nonsense from our Fujar counterparts. We are in no mood to battle against baseless accusations, because we still want to be able to enjoy the Olympics without matters of so-called privilege infecting this proud period in sporting history. Frøydis knows nothing about us, our sporting scene or our nation and frankly he has no right whatsoever to go to a press conference and falsely slander the name of the HCOC! We will simply not tolerate lies on any level, and that is a fact!
The Confederal Olympic Committee of Hertfordia hereby requests a retraction of the lies made by Frøydis and the FIF. It is our opinion that they owe the accused, especially Hertfordia, an apology for the Fujai Idrottsforbund's blatant falsehoods broadcast to the world.
Part 3: The Public Opinion
Okay, this will be a short part simply about what the public think. They believe that Fujai has got our system completely wrong and that Frøydis in particular clearly does not understand Hertfordia or the way we do things here. Some people reckon that it is because of political viewpoints. Hertfordia is perhaps one of the most nationalistic, most right-wing areas in the world and while that is not the cited reason, it does influence the reasons given. Many respondants to our previous question of what they think of Haugen's claims say that it is typical of someone from Fujai, considered the polar opposite of Hertfordia. Whereas Hertfordia is nationalistic and right-wing, Fujai is seen as a nation of socialist hippies by many citizens, both of which are very much frowned upon.
Obviously, we are in no position to confirm or deny these claims. It is up to Fujai alone to decide what it is. There we go, that is all.
We thank you for listening and joining in. Now, the news team will prepare the team sports review. Cheers and goodbye.
P.S. - If we decide to put new info into this post, we shall show you via an edit message below the post.
P.P.S. - "The problem is that most have lived their entire lives in the lap of luxury"?! What a joke! The King/Tsar has a luxurious life now, but before his reign, he was still a member of the middle class. Meanwhile, the Prime Minister is actually from a rural working class background and even as PM he has vowed to remain an ordinary, if slightly weird, citizen at heart. We had to clear that up for all you readers who have been watching us perform.
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Review - Day 7 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 7 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
We will open this review with a very blunt statement. Luck means absolute [censored], as it turns out. So much for lucky number 7 because the winning of only 1 medal, a silver one, means that Hertfordia have plummeted to 5th place in the main medal table, and remain 3rd in the total medal table. Hertfordia appears to have stagnated in the most recent of days, it has only been going down since the massively successful Day 5, when we won 6 medals including 2 golds. To be frankly honest, we really need to start winning a ton of medals again, if we are to keep up with the Astoric countries. In fact, we are now below both Saint Mark, who have pretty much onlyearned gold medals, as well as some other state we can't remember. Check yourself, we aren't always going to spoonfeed people.
Šilve: 1
You now realize what we meant by stagnating. We could only manage one silver medal on the seventh day, meaning our total medal count now looks like this - 5 gold, 6 silver, 8 bronze. We are still puncing above our weight, for a nation which can very easily be called 'The Farm of The West Pacific', but we really do want, and need, to start doing that once again. Here's to hoping. In other news, the team sports went much better, not for the first time. The Handball and Lacrosse teams both made it to their respective finals by defeating Larxia and Irador respectively. They have therefore booked a place in the finals, and what a coincidence, they both have to battle Nieubasria. In Volleyball, Hertfordia dispatched of Bobki relatively effortlessly and made it to the Semi-Finals. In many individual events, our athletes missed out on medals by only 1 place. So yeah, that is it. 7 should be known as the unlucky number in Hertfordian sports
Luck means nothing in an event like the Olympics.
Junya Liepiņš- Finished 2nd in the 200m Breastroke Swim. He is quite a strange man, but the only properly known thing about him is that he absolutely loves alcohol.
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Peter Venev - Finished 5th in the 200m Freestyle Swim Final.
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Zuzana Strautmanis - Finished 4th in the Trap Shooting Final.
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Sig Ivankov - Finished 9th in the Rowing Single Sculls.
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Fideo Vitanov - Finished 14th in the 200m Freestyle Swim.
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Eugene Siliņš - Finished 4th in the Karate Kumite Individual.
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Lemres Feodosijovych - Finished 7th in the 200m Freestyle Swim.
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Maxie Valchev - Finished 7th in the Discus Throw.
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James May/Pete Zhelyaskov - Finished 5th in the Multihill Sailing.
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Volodymyr Lukanov - Finished 8th in the Trap Shooting Final.
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William Ilev - Finished 11th in the Discus Throw.
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Kevin Olehovych - Finished 18th in the Road Cycling Time Trial.
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Rumen Radev - Eliminated in the Round of 14 of the Freestyle Wrestling.
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Luigi Havrylovych - Finished 24th in the Rowing Single Sculls.
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Blumiere Zirnis - Finished 19th in the 200m Breastroke Swim.
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And Now, The News...
We have noticed that many people both at home and abroad are confused by the complete mess that is the Hertfordian political system. Some foreigners notably tend to mix up the system of government with that of our traditional hereditary monarchy and thus Hertfordia gives off an aura of privilege. So here, we will clear up a bit, and also describe qualification to represent Hertfordia at the Olympics. This will be a massive post, so we will include it separately. Basically, coming up later is the HCOC's Response to the FIF's baseless accusations.
In the other news, the police have finally discovered the rioters motives for tipping our news van over, and it is two reasons. One half of them were far-left agitators furious against our reporting of Hertfordia on the stage. They believe we should be using our platform as a newspaper to campaign against the current government and in favour of revolution, violent if necessary. The other half though is slightly more confusing. That half claims that the HCOC has enabled a highly condemned person to infiltrate our campaign. We will be investigating these matters further in conjunction with the Confederal Police Force.
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On that piece of information, it is now time to end, goodbye!
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Sunday 14th June 1420 - Preview of Day 7 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 7 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
This isn't actually the hospital of Saint-Josalyn, we could not get permissiom from the staff to show it. So we are showing this picture of The Great Parndon Hospital instead. Either way, Saint-Josalyn hospital is where Aneurin and the unnamed hippy health guru were seen arguing. Ignore the code, we forgot to remove it.
We are now at Day 7 and if the number 7 has been anything to the nation, it has been reliable. For reasons beyond our explanation, any time a 7 crops up in something, it always means very good things for Hertfordia, no matter the medium the number is found in. Always. But enough obsessing over a numerical unit, down below is the schedule for Day 7. We honestly do not want to write much because we are still a bit miffed at the pleb of an editor, for reasons you can view our previous public statement to see. But we will anyway, since not writing much would be quite lazy. By the way, we currently have 5 gold medals, 5 silver medals and 8 bronze medals, a total of 18 medals.
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 200m Freestyle Swim Peter Venev, Fideo Vitanov 200m Breastroke Swim Junya Liepiņš, Lemres Feodosijovych, Blumiere Zirnis Discus Throw Maxie Valchev, William Ilev Road Cycling Time Trial Kevin Olehovych Gymnastics Balance Beam Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis Rowing Single Sculls Luigi Havrylovych, Sig Ivankov Multihill Sailing James May, Pete Zhelyaskov Trap Shooting Volodymyr Lukanov, Zuzana Strautmanis Karate Kumite Individual Finals Eugene Siliņš Freestyle Wrestling Stage 1 Rumen Radev Semifinals Handball, Lacrosse Hertfordia Handball Federation, Hertfordia Lacrosse Quarterfinals Baseball, Basketball, Volleyball, Water Polo Hertfordia Baseball, Hertfordia Basketball, Hertfordia Volleyball Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team Right, the first thing we have noticed is that the gymnastics balance beam event is labelled. We can't help but think that this competition has already been performed, but until we find out for sure during the actual performances themselves, we are not in a position to tell you. In other observstions, it seems to us that there is a particularly high amount of events going on today. 16 to be precise, which we believe to be an increase on last time. Among the events is the final of the Karate Kumite. Confusingly, despite being listed as part of the events yesterday, it never did happen. Perhaps there were not enough entries by the nations attending the Olympics. We also have the sneaking suspicion that the quarterfinals of Baseball, Basketball, Volleyball and Water Polo will not come to fruition. At the very least, Volleyball is the only one we believe will be on. We could be wrong, but for now we shall go with that.
Some say that we ranted at our editor for very much disclosed reasons, and that because our editor also rigged a phone vote, we now have a new way of ending the publication. All we know is, it's time to say !thgindooG
- Saint Mark and Zoran
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2
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This is an announcement by the Hertfordian newspaper team for the HCOC. Unfortunately, due to severe technical difficulties, the review of the individual athletes of Day 6 has been unwittingly removed from publication. We do not have the sufficient resources or time to rewrite the entire article. Instead, we must get on with the business of the Day 7 schedule. So we will.
*In the main newspaper printing room*
Reporter - "You are a witless dodo!!"
Deputy Reporter - "Look at it! Our Day 6 review is ruined!"
Editor - "Erm... If I can do that, IMAGINE what we can do for the next issue."
Reporter - "You're a cretin!"
Deputy Reporter - "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!"
Reporter - "None of this was ever properly planned and now look at what you have caused, we've lost an entire morning's work and recieved a dissatisfied fan/reader base in return!"
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Within This Very Newspaper Publication, The Sixth Of Reviews Dedicated To The Teams Competing On Behalf Of The Hertfordian Olympic Committee And Indeed For Our Proud Country, By The Two Reporters As Well As The Trustworthy Crew Making This Venture Possible, From This Reliable Source Point Of Purely Local Traditional News Broadcasting Is Literally Only One Single Part, Which Is About Volleyball Yet Again. | Wiđìn Đis Věri Ņjüzpeipe Păblíkeisn, Đe Sikso Av Rívjüz Ďedikeitid Tu Đi Tīms Kėmpītin An Bíhäf Av Đi Häřtferdie Ęlimpik Kęmitī N Ińdīd Foči Aue Praud Ķantri, Bai Đi Tü Rípočites Ez Wel Ez Đi Țraswĕđi Krü Měikin Đis Věntse Păsibl, Fram Đis Rílaiebl Sočis Poćint Av Pjūeli Ļeukl Trędisnel Njüz Bŕočidkästin Iz Ļitreli Ęunli Wan Pät, Wits Iz Ębaut Vălibočil Jet Ęgen.
Apologies for the obscenely long title, but we think it got the message across. If you haven't turned over to some DIY restoration program, then read on for the results of the final volleyball Group Stage match.
The Team Rankings For Day 5
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Hertfordia 3-2 Yorubrailia
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That is it. No really, that is all. We will be back very soon with the schedule for the seventh day.
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Saturday 13th June 1420 - Preview of Day 6 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 6 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
This man, Aneurin Landmanis, is currently missing. There is a search party currently out. He is believed to be somewhere near the local hospital in a foul mood. But why?
Day 6. It is now the second half of the Olympics, and we have many medals and even more fun. With 5 golds, 4 silvers and 7 bronzes, Hertfordia is in position number 2, still trying to overtake Nieubasria at the top. We are sure we will manage to, and we will try our hardest to make this come true! Now, without any more further ado, apart from the sentence this preview is posting at this point in time, here be the schedule.
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 1,500m Freestyle Swim Chihiro Adamovych, Phoenix Avramov 200m Backstroke Tommy Karavelov, Wolfgang Ganev, Mendelssohn Hammer Throw Jeremy Clarkson, Garan Botev Kayak 200m Sprint Steven Bachev Gymnastics Vault Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis Rowing Coxless Fours Sonic Dinev, Ringo Vītoliņš, Miles Leontijovych, Benjamin Semenovych Karate Kumite Individual Stage 1 Eugene Siliņš Quarterfinals Handball, Lacrosse Hertfordia Handball Federation, Hertfordia Lacrosse Octofinals Baseball, Basketball, Volleyball, Water Polo Hertfordia Baseball, Hertfordia Basketball, Hertfordia Volleyball Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team
Welcome to Day 6! Yes, there is a glitch again! We don't know why we're putting exclamation marks at the end of these sentences! *Whispering into ear by news printer.* Oh wait, you already knew it was day 6. Oh well. Either way, we would usually go through some of the athletes if we deemed them noteworthy. But we will not. The descriptions and knowledge of each athlete should only be seen through their efforts and performances, by actually earning their place in public knowledge and in the nation's lengthy history books. Well that, and we have barely any time left before the 'cutoff'.
And so, on that bombshell, it is time to end. Thank you all very much for watching, we're off to get very drunk, goodnight!
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There Is Not Much Point, This Is Only The Volleyball | Đë Iz Nat Mats Počint, Đis Iz Ęunli Đi Vâlibočil
Just read the above. We won very well, and are now top of the group, but it is so strange to have only 1 team sport on for a day.
The Team Rankings For Day 5
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Marble Mallorca 0-3 Hertfordia
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That is all, see you for the Day 6 preview, coming up!
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Review - Day 5 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 5 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
Hello and welcome! The big question today is, was that not the most superb contrast you have ever seen?! Surely, you at home all know what we are rambling on about. Day 5 saw a transition from the worst day of the Olympics, to it's greatest so far. Hertfordia gained a whopping 6 more medals on the fifth day than on the fourth day, and despite some poor performances riddled around, overall the athletes did an excellent job! We nearly had seven, but this mystery performer (*cough* Vojislav *cough*) was pipped to 3rd place by a Zoranian. We are, safe to say, very pleased, so we can't wait to show you all the results. So we won't.
Geuld: 2 Šilve: 1 Branz: 3
Do we have to re-iterate that this is not a joke? No? Good, because this medal count is very much real (voice in background says "You kinda just did re-iterate it"). Well, we'll gloss over our blatant and shameless lie and get on with the review. Because of today's haul, Hertfordia move right back up to second in the medal table, with the following count - 5 gold, 4 silver, 7 bronze. Nieubasria managed to reclaim top spot although barely, having won 1 gold on day 5 to prevent Hettfordia from assuming first place for the first time. Now we can't be bothered to give any further description, we will now show the ranking for the individuals. Best to worst, you know the drill.
A whole lot of work went into this. Don't even try to ask us to make this review longer...
Draco Myronovych - Finished 1st in the Gymnastics Rings. Much like Richard Hammond, she loves to fight and is quite talented at it, when she's not being utterly awful at it. Draco also gets lost and is rather slow. Basically, she is what happens when you mix Richard Hammond, James May, a near-obsession with beauty contests and a bit of fire.
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Clarkov Clarkson - Finished 1st in the Javelin Throw. The Prime Minister of Hertfordia. Clarkov is highly fond of trains, music (mainly classical and VGM) and sports, as well as having a vast knowledge of anything political and historical. Oh and he looks pretty much identical to Ongo Vidopliassova. So prepare to be confused when you see them both next to eachother. Mind you, he is also very pedantic, easily becomes lost and he is, if we're fully honest, a bit heartless, by which we mean almost completely heartless. He is also afflicted with autism, epilepsy and skin cirrhosis.
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Axel Teicāns - Finished 2nd in the 110m Hurdles. He had quit permanently from sport after his younger sister had a vehicle accident, although for whatever reason, do not ask us, he has returned. For some convenient timing, as soon as he finished 2 in his event, the aforementioned sister began to wake from her coma.
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Xavier Boichev - Finished 3rd in the 10km Marathon Swim. This guy was formerly an orphan, along with quite literally most people in the body of sport he used to be part of. That body was led by a man who acted as an almost literal father figure, the only one he and the others had. Unfortunately, that same man tried to avenge his biological son's death and ended up cruelly using Xavier and the others at the orphanage. Nice!
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Will Nankov - Finished 3rd in the 110m Hurdles. Oh, not another government agent. Yez, really, he is part of the Hertfordian Secret Service and is very effective. They tried to stop him from coming, how did that work out for them, eh? Now they have to erase some memories.
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Vojislav Petrovskis - Finished 4th in the Gymnastics Rings.
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Dimentinov Alksnis/Bryce Iliev - Finished 3rd in the Canoeing 2 Person 1,000m Sprint. Dimentinov... let's not talk about this complete maniac. As for Bryce, he was part of the same body as Xavier, the main member of a football team known inside as 'Diamond Dust'. There was a rivalry between them and another team known as 'Prominence'. They are both pretty much gone now. Psst, don't give Clarkov any ideas. He has a habit of restoring old things.
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Galeem Stefanovych - Finished 12th in the Diving 10m Platform
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Archie Serhijovych - Finished 18th in the Diving 10m Platform
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Milan Balkanski - Finished 15th in the Gymnastics Rings
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Mina Alexandrov - Finished 13th in the Javelin Throw
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Davy Vladyslavovych - Finished 18th in the 10km Marathon Swim
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Michael Tinchev - Finished 7th in the Equestrian Individual Jumping
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Kokichi Pencis - Finished 18th in the Gymnastics Rings
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Colin Hedanijovych - Eliminated in the Quarter-Finals of the Karate Kata
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And Now, The News...
Aneurin Landmanis has vanished! That's all. It's not really news, he vanished when he was thinking of the CHS. I guess a search party has to be sent out now.
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On that inconvenience, it is now time to end, goodbye!
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Friday 12th June 1420 - Preview of Day 5 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 5 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
The Hertfordian Constabulary (Confederal Police Force of Hertfordia) borrowed this station near Saint-Josalyn for the Olympics and are currently interrogating the arrested vandals.
Day 5, it is nearly halfway through. Hertfordia, after Day 4's general failure, are on 10 medals - 3 gold, 3 silver, 4 bronze - and siting 4th in the medal table behind Bobki, Nieubasria and Tara & Cambray. Lacrosse goes beyond the group stages and into the Octo-Finals. There are multiple recgonizable athletes, all known extensively for their other professions, some of which are actually rather brilliant. As you saw in the caption, our law enforcement officers are doing their job and interrogating the rioting vandals that they arrested. We have nothing else to say, so now, the schedule for the fifth day of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics.
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 10m Platform Diving Galeem Stefanovych, Archie Serhijovych 10km Marathon Swim Xavier Boichev, Davy Vladyslavovych 110m Hurdles Axel Teicāns, Will Nankov Javelin Throw Mina Alexandrov, Clarkov Clarkson Canoe 1,000m Sprint Dimentinov Alksnis, Bryce Iliev Equestrian Individual Jumping Michael Tinchev Gymnastics Rings Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis Karate Kata Individual Stage 1 Colin Hedanijovych Octofinals Lacrosse Hertfordia Lacrosse Matchday 4 Baseball, Basketball, Football, Rugby Sevens, Volleyball, Water Polo Hertfordia Baseball, Hertfordia Basketball, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union, Hertfordia Volleyball Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team Day 5, and approaching the halfway point, we have up to 15 events for us, including, confusingly, the Octo-Finals of Lacrosse. Yeah, we never heard of that either, but it is happening. We have many notable competitors today. The prime contestant in terms of notiecability is the Hertfordian Prime Minister Clarkov Ongo Jammbonev Clarkson, or Clarkov for short. He is the conservative nationalist leader of Hertfordia and is currently very popular for many reasons, which include his crackdown on political corruption, protection of the nation's people and their way of life and creation of the elective monarchy system that Hertfordia now runs on. In fact, that's how Mečislavs Deben became king. All this and he is still legally a child (Age unknown, estimates of his age are shown somewhere below) Mind you, inclusivity is nowhere to be seen, but inclusiveness is not a Hertfordian value. Clarkov is a national expert in throwing large spear-like poles over obscenely long distances that then wedge into the ground, or in other words, the Javelin Throw, which he is in alongside Mina Alexandrov. Question is, can he do it on an international level?
It would be a grave injustice to focus on only our PM, as we have others who are also notable. Mina Alexandrov is an 'older child' (no one knows the age of any of the Jammbonians, incuding Mina and Clarkov. The general guess of Mina's age is between 12 and 16, the general guess of Clarkov's age is 16), but is already a scientific genius on the levels of esteemed national heroes of the scientific profession. So frightening accuracy is almost completely guaranteed. Do realize that power is also needed for the Javelin Throw She is also very boring, so she would likely get along well with James May, who is very old. Galeem Stefanovych, one of the most beautiful, and most terrifying, woman in the country is here aswell. She is terrifying due to her incredible natural skill. Finally, Davy Vladyslavovych was picked up from a rickety old ship that never sinks and has fittingly ended up in an aquatics event, the 10km Marathon Swim. This is a day you do not want to miss!
*Disclaimer - Jammbian and Jammbonian are two different things. Jammbians are far more prevalent in Hertfordia.
On that describing, it is time to temporarily end our news broadcast of the Hertfordian Olympic Effort, until tomorrow, when the review of the individuals and then the review of the teams will be aired right here from the outer edge of Saint-Josalyn. Until then, we bid thee farewell, and goodnight!
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Frankly, There Are Zero Excuses For Tardiness On Our Part | Fřankli, Đë Ä Żiereu Iķskjüsez Foči Țädines An Aue Pät
Border Patrol Agents arresting the vandals. They are border patrol officers, yes. So what? We already have a fence on our border, a border wall if you will, that has more than enough officers on it. Why not transfer some officers from one station to another?
There are no excuses, we should have done this earlier. Either way, news now that the rioters have been apprehended and in news which will shock no-one, one of these crazy vandals turned out to be the wild fan that pestered Quiyakaso, the Zoranian news reporter, a couple of days earlier. He has now been taken in for police questioning, as have the rest of those vandals that so rudely tipped our van over.
The Team Rankings For Day 4
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Hertfordia 11-9 Fujai
(Hertfordia have qualified for the Water Polo Semi-Finals)
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Bobki 4-10 Hertfordia
(Hertfordia have qualified for the Baseball Semi-Finals)
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Hertfordia 76-79 Irador
(Hertfordia have qualified for the Basketball Semi-Finals)
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Hertfordia 3-2 Missourtama
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Hertfordia 24-10 Cambria
(Hertfordia have been eliminated in the Rugby Sevens Group Stage)
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Cambria 0-2 Hertfordia
(Hertfordia have been eliminated in the Football Group Stage)
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We shall be back shortly for the Day 5 Preview. We'll need to be, it is getting late and the events will be starting soon.
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Review - Day 4 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 4 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
If Day 3 was the best day so far, then Day 4 was undoubtedly the worst, with Hertfordia dropping to 4th in the medal table below Cambria and Bobki, who performed a coup on us and the Astoric Duo to go top of the table, with 5 gold medals and 1 bronze medal. Numerically, Hertfordia have 10 while Nieubasria and Cambria both have 14-15 each. We suspect home advantage is playing in Tara & Cambray's favour. You might have noticed that this official Olympic news broadcast from the Confederal Olympic Committee of Hertfordia (COCH/HCOC) claimed that we have 10 medals and you're probably thinking "Wait, 10 medals??? That seems rather off, wouldn't you agree?". Our answer to that is you're totally right, because here is our medal count for today!
ERROR 404 - MEDALS NOT FOUND
No, we are not making this up, Hertfordia achieved exactly 0 medals on the fourth day. While a few of our athletes did perform well, it wasn't well enough to get them into those coveted medal-rewarding positions. A few of our lot performed rather poorly aswell. In team sports, it was a lot better, as Hertfordia qualified for the Semi-Finals of Baseball, Basketball and Water Polo as group winners. In Basketball particularly, Hertfordia were edged out of a victory by just 3 points against Irador, but due to our overwhelming points difference advantage over the rest of our group, we still took first place with the highest points difference of the group stages. In Footbal and Rugby, Hertfordia were eliminated in the Group Stages. In Football, Hertfordia had pretty much no hope of qualification anyway, after two comeback losses in a row. So at least we were able to leave the Football competition on a high, as Hertfordia dispatched the host nation Cambria 2-0, finishing 3rd in the group, in which Giovanniland won with 7 points. In Rugby, the exit was more painful. Hertfordia defeated Cambria 24-10 to finish second in a group that Fujai won. However, Hertfordia could not join them, missing out by a PD of just 2 to Giovanniland, who qualified as the best runner up from Group A. Marble Mallorca found themselves in a similarly heartbreaking position, missing out by a PD of 1. Only 1! How close must it get?!
Because there were no medal winners, no one on this best to worst ranking list will get a description...
Draco Myronovych - Finished 5th in the Gymnastics Parallel Bars
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Falco Vitalijovych - Finished 7th in the Marathon
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Armando Todorov - Finished 8th in the 3m Springboard Diving
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Kokichi Pencis - Finished 10th in the Gymnastics Parallel Bars
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Amitie Ilev - Eliminated in the Round of 16 of the Judo
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Milan Balkanski - Finished 12th in the Gymnastics Parallel Bars
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Ivo Ostrovskis - Finished 11th in the Long Jump
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Squidward Rozītis - Finished 13th in the Long Jump
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Vojislav Petrovskis - Finished 16th in the Gymnastics Parallel Bars
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Aneurin Landmanis - Finished 23rd in the Marathon
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Junpei Lyubomyrovych/Ongo Vidopliassova/Shuichi Bušs/Soda Ihorovych - Finished 11th in the 4x100m Relay
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And Now, The News...
As promised, here is the news! The news today is that the Hertfordian Constabulary have been contacted about the incident involving our news lorry and are now launching an investigation into the culprits, starting a hunt to apprehend and arrest the guilty party. This is music to our ears of course, especially since Hertfordian police officers are some of the least corrupt in the world. The nation takes law enforcement seriously, with a 'firm but fair before the law' approach which has seen success never before precedented in a country that has historically struggled with controlling crime, especially youth crime.
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On that mixed day it is time to end, thanks for coming, we'll see you tonight and now, a dejected goodbye!
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Thursday 11th June 1420 - Preview of Day 4 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 4 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
A tragic sight. Our news lorry, after being attacked and vandalized by rioters from back home. How they actually managed to tip the HGV over in the tunnel we scarce understand.
Day 4 and there will be a good set of events. Most of the individual sports contain more than 1 member. Currently, the Hertfordian Olympic Team hold 3 gold, 3 silver and 4 bronze medals to the name of our country. Undoubtedly, they will be aiming for more. The Handball and Lacrosse matches are over for the time being, but the other 6 sports all have a chance of being on. There really isn't much else to do, apart from contact Hertfordia 5-0 about the rioter issue, so now you will get to see the schedule for the fourth day of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics. Enjoy!
*Barely audible sounds of a phone call in the background*
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 3m Springboard Diving Armando Todorov 4x100m Relay Run Junpei Lyubomyrovych, Ongo Vidopliassova, Shuichi Bušs, Soda Ihorovych Marathon Falco Vitalijovych, Aneurin Landmanis Long Jump Ivo Ostrovskis, Squidwars Rozītis Gymnastics Parallel Bars Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis Judo Individual Stage 1 Amitie Ilev Matchday 3 Baseball, Basketball, Football, Rugby Sevens, Volleyball, Water Polo Hertfordia Baseball, Hertfordia Basketball, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union, Hertfordia Volleyball Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team For Day 4, Hertfordian athletes will take part in up to 12 competitions. There will be others today, such as Fencing and Tennis Doubles, but we have already been eliminated from both of those. We also found an event, Rowing Coxed Eights, that no one on the Olympic team or Committee actually had any knowledge of until today. So we found something that one of our boys and girls aren't participating in in any way. Who would have thought it! There is also the team version of Equestrian Dressage, but as you all know by now, Zeidmanis won bronze yesterday in the individual dressage, and we are not in the team dressage.
People to watch include Ongo Vidopliassova, one of the stars of Hertfordia's rugby world cup campaign back when it called itself Hertfordshire and Jammbo, and Aneurin Landmanis, seen as a hero for his efforts in creating the rather young Confederal Health Service, a public health body accessible to all legal citizens of Hertfordia. We also have an example, like yesterday, of an athlete that ended up here as a result of Hertfordia's freak accident which involved the entire nation sliding into the ocean. This example is Squidward Rozītis.
Thank you all so much for being patient with our situation, we only hope we can return the favour with a news feature in the future. On that bombshell, it's now time to end. Goodnight!
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Apologies For The Inconvenience, We Were Delayed | Ępaledeiz Foči Đi Inkeńvīniens, Wī We Díleid
Sorry for our absence, people of Hertfordia, our news lorry was trashed by rioters. Now that we have finally managed to get the studio repaired, let's review how the teams done on Day 3 of the Saint-Josalyn Olympics. Most of the team sports were full of joy as Hertfordian sports teams recorded victories in 5 out of 6 competitions, the odd one out being football where we were defeated 3-2 by Irador. Just like against Giovanniland, it was a comeback loss. The Lacrosse and Basketball teams thumped their respective opponents, Hertfordia Lacrosse defeating Nieubasria 9-17 while the Hertfordia Basketball Federation hammered Marble Mallorca 57-106. Victories were also brought to the table in Baseball against Novasamita, Handball against Giovanniland and in Water Polo against Marble Mallorca.
The groups in Handball and Lacrosse have concluded and we are happy to declare that Hertfordia have qualified for the semi-finals as group winners in both professions! Now there's something to cheer about! We currently sit at the top of our Baseball, Basketball and Water Polo groups, currently undefeated in all of them. However, we sit at rock bottom in our football group with 0 points. As for Rugby and Volleyball, they were not played on the third day, so they will not be featured in our ranking.
The Team Rankings For Day 3
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Marble Mallorca 57-106 Hertfordia
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Hertfordia 32-22 Giovanniland
(Hertfordia have qualified for the Handball Semi-Finals)
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Marble Mallorca 5-7 Hertfordia
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Nieubasria 9-17 Hertfordia
(Hertfordia have qualified for the Lacrosse Octo-Finals)
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Hertfordia 4-1 Novasamita
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Hertfordia 2-3 Irador
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For those wondering when the interviews are going to be, they are never going to arrive. Hertfordia is generally a quieter nation than the rest. We will happily speak, we just prefer to let our actions do the talking.
We shall be back shortly for the Day 4 Preview
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Review - Day 3 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 3 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
Day 3 wrought the best medal count of Hertfordia's tournament, with most sports going swimmingly for the HCOC. The team sports generally went well, with all active sports teams except the football team achieving victory. Despite hiccups in track cycling and football, the third day was arguably the most successful. Here is the medal count for the third day:
Geuld: 2 Šilve: 1 Branz: 1
Hertfordian athletes won a total of 4 medals today, lifting their total medal count up to 10. As a result, Hertfordia sit second in the medal table behind only Nieubasria and ahead of Tara & Cambray, who are hosting these Olympics. Specifically, we have 3 gold, 3 silver and 4 bronze medals. Notably, the two golds came from lightweight boxing and, perhaps surprisingly, the gymnastics. As for team sports, both the handball and lacrosse teams have qualified for their respective semi-finals as group winners. The baseball squad saw a win on their first matchday, while the basketball and water polo teams continued their winning run. The same can't be said of the football team, who sit bottom of their group after two losses. Track Cycling was a disaster, with the nation's duo finishing stone dead last.
And now, the mandatory ranking. What else did y'all expect?
Richard Hammond - Finished 1st in the Lightweight Boxing Final - This man was once a daytime TV presenter. He is known for his sparkly white teeth, his love for Cambrian muscle cars and for once becoming romantically attached to a rusting pile of misery from the 1370s. He is also a keen motorcyclist, frequent over-user of hair product and is probably the world's most anger-prone midget. A fight is never far away with this man. Oh and he crashes a lot.
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Milan Balkanski - Finished 1st in the Gymnastics Uneven Bars - This is the former leader of one of the republics (it since fell apart) that broke away from Greater Hertfordia. A member of the minority group called Debenians, Hertfordians hate this man for percieved war crimes and breaking up Greater Hertfordia, although these accusations have yet to be acted upon.
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Schezo Avramov - Finished 2nd in the Pole Vault - Claims to be a user of some sort of sword-based dark art, although he doesn't help his case by losing in fights to Richard Hammond and the Prime Minister. People tend to focus on his unfortunate speaking style, which makes everyone believe that he is a pervert when he plainly isn't.
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Klug Zeidmanis - Finished 3rd in the Equestrian Individual Dressage. Pretty much the know-it-all of the group, can be quite insufferable but is quite frankly a bit of a wuss. So he was forced to take part in a sport that is basically sitting on a horse while it tries to look camp.
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Vojislav Petrovskis - Finished 6th in the Gymnastics Uneven Bars
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Mark Oleksijovych - Finished 7th in the Windsurfing
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Kokichi Pencis - Finished 8th in the Gymnastics Uneven Bars
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Zacian Ādamsons - Eliminated in the Round of 16 of the Fencing (We really are scraping the bottom of the barrel)
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Andross Tonchev - Finished 11th in the Windsurfing
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Isaac Veinbergs - Finished 9th in the Pole Vault
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Benjamin Paskalev/Viktor Orbán - Eliminated in Round 1 of the Tennis Doubles
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Draco Myronovych - Finished 20th in the Gymnastics Uneven Bars
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Patrick Gribusts/Marine Adamov - Finished 7th in the Track Cycling Team Sprint
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In other news, one of our athletes, Freddie Melngailis, the goalkeeper of the national football team hss recovered from an injury that for reasons unknown has gone unreported to anyone. He attributes his speedy recovery to the mysterious new hippy doctor that arrived yesterday. This health guru has managed to build up trust between himself and the Olympic Committee. There is simply no getting rid of him, not anymore. He will be remaining on his post to tend to any injuries that the athletes of Hertfordia fall victim to.
That is all we have time for, see you all later this day when part 2 of this review appears.
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Now For something A Little Bit Different | Nau Foči Šamoin E Ľitl Bit Ďifrent
Yes, this is the set of rosters for each of the remaining six teams that we had yet to complete. Includes Baseball, Basketball, Football, Rugby Sevens, Volleyball and Water Polo.
Pitcher - Carl Josypovych
Catcher - Frank Tymofijovych
First Base - Melvin Heorhijovych
Second Base - Sean Josypovych
Third Base - Kent Pylypovyvh
Shortstop - Cesar Vyacheslavovych
Left Field - Mike Trokhymovych
Centre Field - Eddie Petrovych
Right Field - Jimmy HenadijovychKit
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Point Guard - Niko Borisov
Shooting Guard - Ray Bulgarin
Small Forward - Patrick Mladenov
Power Forward - Brucie Kynev
Centre - Dwayne FilipovKit
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Goalkeeper - Freddie Melngailis/Rococo Omelyanovych
Left Defender - Queraldo Niedra
Centre Defender - Teres Tinchev
Right Defender - Pierre Grūbe
Defensive Midfielder - Hijikata Rusev
Left Midfielder - Nakata Hadjiivanov
Centre Midfielder - Mark Kostov
Right Midfielder - Jonas Priede
Attacking Midfielder - Drago Hadjiev
Striker - Mac Radulov
Striker - Edgar VollisKit
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Prop - Peter Cipriani
Hooker - Scott Bevan
Prop - Britannia Degre
Scrum-Half - Byron Tobu
Fly-Half - Chris Morituros
Centre - Robert Lee
Wing - Mikhail FaustinKit
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Volleyball
Setter - Boris Jēkabsons
Right Side Hitter - David Cālitis
Middle Blocker - Jeremy Čudars
Opposite - Theresa Matisons
Outside Hitter - Nigel Freimanis
Libero - Tony BokaKit
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Goalkeeper - Winston Cherganski
Right Wing - Isambard Briedis
Right Flat - Charles Dimitrov
Point - William Salmiņš
Left Flat - Isaac Nankov
Left Wing - John Lūsis
Hole Set - Horatio NikolovKit
Er, the Water Polo team don't actually have kits. They just bring their own swimming shorts and helmets.
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Yes, we posted this, and now we are saying goodbye again. The results will come in the daytime.
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Wednesday 10th June 1420 - Preview of Day 3 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 3 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
This man claims to have arrived as a health guru for the athletes of the Olympics. He was considered trustworthy, although a bit of a hippy.
Day 3 of the Olympics will provide debuts for multiple individuals, as well as the finals of the Lightweight Boxing and continuation of the team sports, which are likely to see the Baseball team debut on the stage. As of this time, Hertfordia has 6 medals - 1 gold, 2 silver, 3 bronze - leaving us 5th in the table and with the second highest medal count so far, behind hosts Tara and Cambray. Even though the heavyweight boxing final is also on, both of our contenders were eliminated in Round 1, therefore they will not be there today. Without further ado, here is the line-up.
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts Pole Vault
Isaac Veinbergs, Schezo Avramov
Cycling Track Team Sprint Patrick Gribusts, Marine Adamov Equestrian Individual Dressage Klug Zeidmanis Gymnastics Uneven Bars Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis Windsurfing Mark Oleksijovych, Andross Tonchev Lightweight Boxing Finals Richard Hammond Fencing Individual Foil Zacian Ādamsons Tennis Doubles Stage 1 Benjamin Paskalev, Viktor Orbán Matchday 3 Handball, Lacrosse Hertfordia Handball Federation, Hertfordia Lacrosse Matchday 2 Baseball, Basketball, Football, Rugby Sevens, Volleyball, Water Polo Hertfordia Baseball, Hertfordia Basketball, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union, Hertfordia Volleyball Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team Apologies for the slight technical error. Today, there will be 16 events on for Hertfordia. The most notable contestants here are definitely Viktor Orbán, the national conservative leader of a central county and victim of constant inter-county meddling by Great Parndon and their allies, and Zacian Ādamsons. If you do not know why this is, Ādamsons is literally an armoured wolf with a sword. You couldn't write this!
We also have Richard Hammond who will be boxing for the title in the Lightweight Boxing Finals. Boy, does he love a good fight. Meanwhile most of our teams will be wishing to build on their good starts, while the baseball team debuts on the Olympic stage and the handball team resumes their campaign. As for the football and rugby teams, they will want to try their hardest to win this time around. Actually, speaking of rugby...
If you are a fan of any Hertfordian sports team, could you please refrain from interrupting foreign news broadcasts? We aren't asking, this is an order from the Hertfordian Confederal Olympic Committee. One rugby fanatic has already been detained by the Plod and has been banned from attending anything Olympic-related from this point on. Quiyakaso of Zoran has already been informed of this development and is probably rather glad the crazed Hertfordian fan has been wiped away. We can't say for sure.
Now, we must conclude this preview on three points. 1 - Do not interfere with foreign broadcasts. 2 - Pop over by that hippy health guru that has turned up, he seems like a nice guy. 3 - Come on you Hawks, go on ahead and win some silverware, by which we mean medals. And trophies, if there are any.
Anyway, on that terrible disappointment of a fan, it is time to end. Thank you very much for coming and we'll see you all tomorrow. Until then, goodnight!
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Review - Extra Part, Per The Norm | Rívjü - Èkstre Pät, Pē đi Nočim
As we promised earlier, this is the report on how the team sports went for our boys. Overall, the teams representing the Double-Headed Hawk performed well, with convincing victories over hosts Cambria in Basketball and current Medal Table leaders Nieubasria in Water Polo, as well as a narrow comeback win over Larxia in Volleyball. In Lacrosse, Hertfordia were held to a 9-9 draw by the hosts (Yeah, we seem to face Cambria a lot). There were some bad points however. A weakened football team, due to other individual events (Rococo, etc. were not able to make it), were beaten 2-1 by Giovanniland. What stung most though was the 26-14 loss that the rugby sevens team had to endure. To Fujai no less!
For those who wonder why this stings so much, back when The West Pacific Rugby World Cup was on, Hertfordia defeated Fujai in extra time in a comeback victory to shock the world and become TWP champions of rugby. So to lose to the very team we beat in that tournament's grand final hurts, it really is bloody devastating!
But we can't get far by being hung up on losses, so here now are the teams, ranked by performance, and their scores against their opposition...
Cambria 61-90 Hertfordia
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Hertfordia 18-10 Nieubasria
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Hertfordia 9-9 Cambria
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Larxia 2-3 Hertfordia
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Giovanniland 2-1 Hertfordia
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Fujai 26-14 Hertfordia
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Thank you for putting up with us as much as possible, and we must conclude today's review with a simple and alarming fact. If you are, say, a war criminal seen in, oh I don't know, a mountain biking race, then consider yourself relieved because there appears to be a new Public Enemy Number 1 for Hertfordian sports fans: FUJAI!!!!
Take care, goodnight!
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Review - Day 2 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 2 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
Day 2, while it went reasonably well, did not go as well as last time. To demonstrate that, here is the medal count for day 2:
Šilve: 1 Branz: 2
Despite the lack of gold medals, the Olympic team still managed to pull together some great performers. Due to the current medal count, we sit 5th in the Olympic Medal Table with 1 Gold, 2 Silver and 3 Bronze medals. As with every single day, here is the ranking of each individual athlete. Again, due to our web page limitations, the team rankings will be posted after the individual rankings.
Yes, this will be insanely long, viewers. Deal with it, we have tons of athletes!
Takumi Mihailov - Finished 2nd in the High Jump Final - A delivery boy who happens to be a racing prodigy, also has a habit of crashing into walls while drifting excessively.
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Phil Yevhenovych - Finished 3rd in the One-Person Dinghy Sailing - A retired musician and lead of one of Hertfordia's most recgonizable bands. Richard Hammond despises them.
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Mario Volodymyrovych/Matt Miķelsons - Finished 3rd in the Badminton Doubles - This is not normal Mario Volodymyrovych, this is Stupid Mario Volodymyrovych, a man with an IQ of -7 and a brain the size of an blood cell. As for Matt, he is the former health minister, who turned out to be unpopular with health workers.
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Richard Hammond - Currently in the Semi-Finals of the Lightweight Boxing
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Bobby Kazymyrovych - Finished 6th in the Shot Put
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Slobodan Dreimanis - Eliminated in the Quarter-Finals of the Lightweight Boxing
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Kaiser Ruslanovych - Finished 13th in the 10,000m Run
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Jamie Dachev - Finished 14th in the 10,000m Run
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Keisuke Yakovych - Finished 9th in the High Jump
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Vojislav Petrovskis - Finished 14th in the Gymnastics Balance Beam
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Satan Salmiņš - Finished 9th in the Shot Put
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Milan Balkanski - Finished 18th in the Gymnastics Balance Beam
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Rococo Omelyanovych - Finished 21st in the One-Person Dinghy Sailing
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Rose Rysinov - Eliminated in Round 1 of the Heavyweight Boxing
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Draco Centauros - Finished 20th in the Gymnastics Balance Beam
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Franjo Širovs - Eliminated in Round 1 of the Heavyweight Boxing
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Kokichi Pencis - Finished 22nd in the Gymnastics Balance Beam
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That is the end of the first part, see you very soon when the second half of the review is posted.
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Tuesday 9th June 1420 - Preview of Day 2 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Přīvjü - Dei 2 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
The car that Takumi Mihailov arrived in, a Sprinter Trueno AE86. Do you like his car?
After what can be called a success on the warzone of the Olympics, the Hertfordians currently have 1 gold, 1 silver and 1 bronze medal to their name. Coming up now is the schedule for our events on Day 2. This includes every event on today except for the Badminton Singles final as Kirby Blagoev has been eliminated from that by a member of the host delegation.
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 10,000m Run Jamie Dachev, Kaiser Ruslanovych High Jump Takumi Mihailov, Keisuke Yakovych Shot Put Satan Salmiņš, Bobby Kazymyrovych Gymnastics Balance Beam Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis One-Person Dinghy Sailing Rococo Omelyanovych, Phil Yevhenovych Badminton Doubles Finals Mario Volodymyrovych, Matt Miķelsons Lightweight Boxing Stage 1 Richard Hammond, Slobodan Dreimanis Heavyweight Boxing Stage 1 Rose Rysinov, Franjo Širovs Matchday 2 Handball, Lacrosse Hertfordia Handball Federation, Hertfordia Lacrosse Matchday 1 Baseball, Basketball, Football, Rugby Sevens, Volleyball, Water Polo Hertfordia Baseball, Hertfordia Basketball, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Football Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Rugby Union, Hertfordia Volleyball Federation, Hertfordshire and Jammbo Water Polo Team There will be 16 events on today. There are a few highly notable contestants today, especially in the Lightweight Boxing, wher we have former Greater Hertfordia Prime Minister Slobodan Dreimanis and current Hertfordian unified boxing champion Richard Hammond, who just relishes a fight. No wonder he does boxing then. As well as them, Hertfordia also has Rococo Omelyanovych, one of Hertfordia's best youth goalkeepers in football, although due to the relatively poor, water dependant area of Hertfordia from which he is from, talent involving sailing is also in stock. Once this event is over, he is likely to make a beeline for the national football team.
We also have the athletics veteran Kaiser Ruslanovych, considered a legend in his field although he really is getting on a bit. This is a sort of last hurrah for him, or at least he hopes. We also have all of our team sports on today as 6 make their debuts. Eyes will mainly focus on the Häřtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen, to see how well they will do in a Sevens format. Hertfordians are quietly confident, for obvious trophy related reasons. Handball and Lacrosse will be on Matchday 2 and both teams will look to build on their Day 1 victories over Cambria and Novasamita respectively.
On that, it is time to end, thank you very much for watching, we'll see you again tomorrow, goodnight!
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Review - Extra Part | Rívjü - Èkstre Pät
This part of the review will be seperate and go over the teams and how they performed. It is seperate because we ran out of printing space on the normal report and because we don't want the organizers to censor us for obscenely long reporting if we can help it. So chaps, here are the scores.
Cambria 25-26 Hertfordia
An incredibly narrow 1 point win over the hosts leaves Hertfordia at the top of a group consisting of them and, well, their opponents. It's just us two.
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Novasamita 5-18 Hertfordia
One battering of Novasamita later, and Hertfordia were top of their group, with the best record out of all the teams so far.
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Review - Day 1 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics | Rívjü - Dei 1 av đi Seint-Deeušalin Šame Ęlimpiks
Yes, this is obscenely long, sorry.... (Please don't censor us)
The first day of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics proved to be am overall success for the Hertfordians as they managed to win a total of 3 medals - 1 Gold, 1 Silver and 1 Bronze - placing this proud nation at 3rd in the overall medal table, behind Novasamita and Nieubasria.
Geuld: 1 Šilve: 1 Branz: 1
Two of our medals came in the Mountain Biking event, while 1 medal was won in the Canoe Slalom.
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Due to time constraints, we cannot give any insightful info, also because we know people would fall asleep reading it and because we really cannot explain how ridiculous each of these contestants and team are. Here arw the rankings, in order of best to worst via performance!
Either way, the 3 medal winners were Arle Myroslavivna, The Stig and his Majesty the King of Hertfordia, Mečislavs Deben.
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Arle Myroslavivna - Finished 1st in the Mountain Biking Individual
Arle is a girl who basically sees manners of any kind as being on par with torture. She is the least gentlemanly person in the world, so good luck getting her and Prince Marcarius to get along.
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The Stig - Finished 2nd in the Canoe Slalom
Some say he once punched someone in the soul, and that even he doesn't know who he is. All we know is, I'm going to the tower now to have my head cut off, and he is called The Stig.
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King Mečislavs I of Hertfordia - Finished 3rd in the Mountain Biking Individual
Nations of the West Pacific, please bow before his Majesty, King Mečislavs Deben I of the Confederal Kingdom of Hertfordia! This man is the nation's elected monarch and is actually a Sir. No, really.
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Wolf Panasovych - Finished 4th in the Archery Individual
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Mario Volodymyrovych/Matt Miķelsons - Currently in the Semi-Finals of Badminton Doubles
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Douglas Rudzītis- Finished 6th in the 1,500m Run Final
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Paul Georgiev/Volodymyr Mykytovych/Zeus Illich/Stephen Romanovych - Finished 4th in the Medley Relay Swim Final
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Wally Zunda - Finished 13th in the 400m Run
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Draco Myronovych - Finished 12th in the Gymnastics Floor Exercise
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Dimitri Ločs - Finished 19th in the 400m Run
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Kokichi Pencis - Finished 13th in the Gymnastics Floor Exercise.
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Rantaro Vinters - Finished 19th in the 1,500m Run
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Kirby Blagoev - Eliminated in Round 1 of the Badminton Singles.
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Milan Balkanski - Finished 16th in the Gymnastics Floor Exercise. (Ignore the filter, we totally didn't steal this photo)
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Cain Tsankov - Finished 11th in the Kayak Slalom.
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Bello Radulov - Finished 12th in the Kayak Slalom.
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Vojislav Petrovskis - Finished 19th in the Gymnastics Floor exercise.
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Radovan Artemovych - In the Mountain Biking Individual contest, Radovan never finished the race.
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Thank you for tuning in with us for today's review, we will be back this evening for the preview of Day 2. Until then, it's time to end, thank you very much for watching, goodbye!
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Quick Information Report on the Handball and Lacrosse teams of Hertfordia
Goalkeeper - Pol Pavlovskis
Centre - Ismail Endziņš
Left Back - Hideki Teicāns
Right Back - Leopold Vilks
Circle Runner - Adolf Hadjiev
Left Winger - Josef Strautmanis
Right Winger - Mao Zvinelis
Substitutes - Kim Ivanov, Mengistu Mekšs, Yakubu Gailis, Jean Koks, Saddam Hadjiivanov, Josip Tālbergs, Kusno StrautiņšKit
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Goalkeeper - Raymond Pencis
Defenders - Wilhelm Andersons, Herbert Āboltiņš, Franz Jukums
Midfielders - David Gailītis, Karl Mihailovs, Mehmed Riekstiņš
Attackers - Georgy Lapsiņš, Alexander Krūmiņš, Ferdinand Melngailis
Substitutes - Victor di Seržants, Thomas Valters, Yoshihito Tīrelis, Albert Mednis, Peter Kulmanis, Ferdidand Melderis, Eleftherios VītumsKit
(This is a demo name, there is no one with the surname Ronaldo in any of our sports)
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FUN FACT: The Lacrosse Team has, contrary to most, never employed a sponsor on their shirts in their history!
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Monday 8th June 1420 - Preview of Day 1 of the Saint-Josalyn Summer Olympics
Yes, we brought our own Olympic Torch. No, we didn't set fire to anything on the way here.
Apologies for the last report, viewers. Those responsible have been booted out of the back door into the nearest public skip.
Now that normal service is resumed, the team has finally arrived! It took way too long (note to self: NEVER let Captain Slow direct us anywhere again), but we are here. This team has brought an immense number of athletes, with 100-110 alone for individual events and even more for the team events.
As the Honour Guard of Hertfordia, the Ģädevąne, ceremonially welcome the Hertfordia Olympic Team, let us go through the events that will be unfolding on the first day of the Saint-Josalyn Olympics.
Events/Ívents Athletes/Àølīts 4x200m Medley Relay Swim/4x200m Mědli Ŕīlei Swim Paul Georgiev, Volodymyr Mykytovych, Zeus Illich, Stephen Romanovych Archery Individual/Âtseri Indívideul Wolf Panasovych 400m Run/400m Ran Dimitri Ločs, Wally Zunda 1,500m Run/1,500m Ran Douglas Rudzītis, Rantaro Vinters Canoe Slalom/Kęnü Šlälem The Stig Kayak Slalom/Ķaiak Šlälem Cain Tsankov, Bello Radulov Mountain Biking Individual/Mâuntin Baikin Indívideul Arle Myroslavivna, Mečislavs Deben, Radovan Artemovych Gymnastics Floor Exercise/Deimňastiks Fličo Èksesaiz Kokichi Pencis, Draco Myronovych, Milan Balkanski, Vojislav Petrovskis Badminton Singles Stage 1/Bâdmintn Šingelz Steide 1 Kirby Blagoev Badminton Doubles Stage 1/Bâdmintn Đabelz Steide 1 Mario Volodymyrovych, Matt Miķelsons Matchday 1: Handball, Lacrosse/Matsdei 1: Handbočil, Lękras Hertfordian Handball Federation, Hertfordia Lacrosse
There will be 12 events on today. The most notable resident by far is Mečislavs Deben. Prince Marcarius isn't the only royalty that's turned up. His Majesty King Mečislavs I of Hertfordia has decided to take part in the Olympics in the Mountain Biking event. He remembers when he used to bike alongside the southern clifflands of Hertfordia 4 days a week. He still does to this day.
Other than the nation's monarch, we also have The Stig (Andolia's greatest racing driver, probably the best racing driver in TWP), who just turned up one day and entered himself into the Canoe Slalom without saying a word, and Radovan Artemovych, who has been convicted of war crimes in the brutal series of conflicts that tore the old Greater Hertfordia apart from the inside, has somehow squeezed past security and joined the King in the Mountain Biking Individual competition.
Unfortunately, due to time restraints, we cannot go through each of the contestants properly right now. That information will come when we post the results of the first day.
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Sunday 7th June 1420 - Preview of the Häřtferdsierndeambeu Ęlimpik Kęmiti
The Double-Headed Hawk descends! As we speak, the Hertfordian Olympic Team are approaching the capital of Tara and Cambray, Saint Josalyn on the Greater Anglia. The reason they have travelled by train and boat to get here is one typical of their nation. The Olympic Committee did not have a large enough plane to fit all 150+ athletes in it. Oh dear, not again.
The Olympic Team have entered competitors into every single competition the Summer Olympics can muster up. Among them is the world famous Häřtferdsierndeambeu Ragbi Junjen, the winners of the West Pacific Rugby World Cup, who will be hoping for another trophy to add to their pile. All the athletes are known for having second professions which accompany their sporting talent, due to the low population of Hertfordia, many athletes here can actually perform two sports!
All the athletes here come from various backgrounds and some are more outlandish than others. The team contains members both old and young, and even a few members picked up from the Great Pacific Ocean, back when the nation freakishly slid into the ocean. Rumours claim that the freak accident was purposely conducted by a foreign power when the Prime Minister claimed that Andolia was the best continent.
Each day, we will go through the competing athletes and teams, who they are and what it is they will be performing in. We will try not to become lost on any roundabouts, but be warned that the team is being directed to the stadium by Captain Slow himself, so don't be surprised if the team turns up in the dead of night wondering where everyone is.
If anyone is wondering what the strange man on the telly is talking about when it comes to outlandish, just pay attention because coming up is a rundown of all the individuals and teams that have joined the trip straight from the southern reaches of Andolia and further beyond. It really does stretch the definition of outlandish...
The teams are shoddily put in because of the damn local news agency screwing up the copy-paste function somehow. They also shoved in their own features in one section, and made everything low quality! They just had to be cheeky on this specific day, didn't they?!
Tell the Olympic Committee that some people will be getting fired pronto!
Hertfordia - No Barrel Bottom Left Unscraped!
- Saint Mark, Zoran and Aelitia
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I Summer Olympics Roleplay/IC
in Roleplay - How the West Was Won
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We Finally Managed To Publish This, Hooray! | Wī Făineli Mănide Tu Păblis Đis, Húrei!
If you have decided to read this publication, you most likely caught a glimpse of the HCOC actually making an official statement! Wow, we know, very shocking. Nevertheless, we have 3 team sports to quickly review and all of them went very well. In Handball, a hard-fought battle against Larxia ended in our favour. There was less fighting back in the other two sports. Hertfordia dispatched comfortably of Irador while in the Volleyball Quarter-Finals, Hertfordia decided that it wanted to slaughter Bobki, so they did. Both the Handball and Lacrosse teams have made it to their respective finals, and will both take on Nieubasria. In Volleyball, Hertfordia joins Novasamita, Nieubasria and Giovanniland in the Semi-Finals. Alright, coming up are the rankings for each team sport that took place on Day 7.
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Hertfordia 11-4 Irador
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Hertfordia 29-21 Larxia
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Bobki 0-3 Hertfordia
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Very soon, we shall have the preview of Day 8 ready. Until then, stay comfortable and wait for our analysis of what is to come.