Clarkov

Nation name: Hertfordshire and Jammbo (Hertfordshire-Jammbo)
Nation trigram: HEJ
Players:
1. Ayumu Kasuchenko
2. Dynamis Jansons
3. Shemha Hazurov

I wouldn't care if it had to be outside, I'd rather decorate a real tree.

Clarkson, Hammond and May had all been through a fair bit. Uncovering hidden Ryxtylopian slums, meeting the Tsar's security and doing surprisingly well in The Genesis, it was time for a bit of relaxation...
D. Handpump: You said this would be relaxing.
J. Clarkson: It is.
[May is up a ladder on the roof of the building where the trio is staying. Clarkson holds back laughter.]
D. Handpump: I don't like it.
R. Hammond: It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate, climb it!
D. Handpump: Not if you're me, it's not.
[Clarkson looks toward the camera The Stig is holding and the viewers beyond it.]
J. Clarkson: Now I should point out to the viewers that James is scared of heights. Like, really scared.
D. Handpump: How many of Clarkov's art pieces are up here?
R. Hammond: One.
D. Handpump: One?!
R. Hammond: Yes, a drawing.
D. Handpump: Just leave it!
R. Hammond: Furu's bodyguard will shoot us, mate, we can't.
D. Handpump: Wha- Just because that expressionless confusing disabled bastard is hanging around in there blabbing about dandelions or something, we have to retrieve their piece of paper?
J. Clarkson: Furu never asked for this, Esmeralda made us do it after she found out you had misplaced it.
D. Handpump: ...I was sort of hoping you didn't know that.
R. Hammond: Yeah, we gotta do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it.
D. Handpump: Hammond, I... I- I hate... I hate heights, you know I do. I hate ladders, I hate bodyguards.
J. Clarkson: You got on just fine with Vanya, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Very funny.
R. Hammond: Furu's self-appointed bodyguard... don't you think she's being a bit vindictive?
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what is a fat middle aged man supposed to do?
R. Hammond: Honestly, this makes me wonder why we don't meet people of other nations often.
D. Handpump: Well, the last time we did was with Quiyakaso and that ended about as well as you'd expect.
R. Hammond: Oh yeah.
J. Clarkson: Uh, guys? I just got the results in, we beat Fujai 2-0.
R. Hammond: That's good and all, but we need to finish this off.
                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Clarkson, Hammond and May had all been through a fair bit. Uncovering hidden Ryxtylopian slums, meeting the Tsar's security and doing surprisingly well in The Genesis, it was time for a bit of relaxation...
D. Handpump: You said this would be relaxing.
J. Clarkson: It is.
[May is up a ladder on the roof of the building where the trio is staying. Clarkson holds back laughter.]
D. Handpump: I don't like it.
R. Hammond: It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate, climb it!
D. Handpump: Not if you're me, it's not.
[Clarkson looks toward the camera The Stig is holding and the viewers beyond it.]
J. Clarkson: Now I should point out to the viewers that James is scared of heights. Like, really scared.
D. Handpump: How many of Clarkov's art pieces are up here?
R. Hammond: One.
D. Handpump: One?!
R. Hammond: Yes, a drawing.
D. Handpump: Just leave it!
R. Hammond: Furu's bodyguard will shoot us, mate, we can't.
D. Handpump: Wha- Just because that expressionless confusing disabled bastard is hanging around in there blabbing about dandelions or something, we have to retrieve their piece of paper?
J. Clarkson: Furu never asked for this, Esmeralda made us do it after she found out you had misplaced it.
D. Handpump: ...I was sort of hoping you didn't know that.
R. Hammond: Yeah, we gotta do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it.
D. Handpump: Hammond, I... I- I hate... I hate heights, you know I do. I hate ladders, I hate bodyguards.
J. Clarkson: You got on just fine with Vanya, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Very funny.
R. Hammond: Furu's self-appointed bodyguard... don't you think she's being a bit vindictive?
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what is a fat middle aged man supposed to do?
R. Hammond: Honestly, this makes me wonder why we don't meet people of other nations often.
D. Handpump: Well, the last time we did was with Quiyakaso and that ended about as well as you'd expect.
R. Hammond: Oh yeah.
J. Clarkson: Uh, guys? I just got the results in, we beat Fujai 2-0.
R. Hammond: That's good and all, but we need to finish this off.
                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Clarkson, Hammond and May had all been through a fair bit. Uncovering hidden Ryxtylopian slums, meeting the Tsar's security and doing surprisingly well in The Genesis, it was time for a bit of relaxation...
D. Handpump: You said this would be relaxing.
J. Clarkson: It is.
[May is up a ladder on the roof of the building where the trio is staying. Clarkson holds back laughter.]
D. Handpump: I don't like it.
R. Hammond: It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate, climb it!
D. Handpump: Not if you're me, it's not.
[Clarkson looks toward the camera The Stig is holding and the viewers beyond it.]
J. Clarkson: Now I should point out to the viewers that James is scared of heights. Like, really scared.
D. Handpump: How many of Clarkov's art pieces are up here?
R. Hammond: One.
D. Handpump: One?!
R. Hammond: Yes, a drawing.
D. Handpump: Just leave it!
R. Hammond: Furu's bodyguard will shoot us, mate, we can't.
D. Handpump: Wha- Just because that expressionless confusing disabled bastard is hanging around in there blabbing about dandelions or something, we have to retrieve their piece of paper?
J. Clarkson: Furu never asked for this, Esmeralda made us do it after she found out you had misplaced it.
D. Handpump: ...I was sort of hoping you didn't know that.
R. Hammond: Yeah, we gotta do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it.
D. Handpump: Hammond, I... I- I hate... I hate heights, you know I do. I hate ladders, I hate bodyguards.
J. Clarkson: You got on just fine with Vanya, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Very funny.
R. Hammond: Furu's self-appointed bodyguard... don't you think she's being a bit vindictive?
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what is a fat middle aged man supposed to do?
R. Hammond: Honestly, this makes me wonder why we don't meet people of other nations often.
D. Handpump: Well, the last time we did was with Quiyakaso and that ended about as well as you'd expect.
R. Hammond: Oh yeah.
J. Clarkson: Uh, guys? I just got the results in, we beat Fujai 2-0.
R. Hammond: That's good and all, but we need to finish this off.
                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Clarkson, Hammond and May had all been through a fair bit. Uncovering hidden Ryxtylopian slums, meeting the Tsar's security and doing surprisingly well in The Genesis, it was time for a bit of relaxation...
D. Handpump: You said this would be relaxing.
J. Clarkson: It is.
[May is up a ladder on the roof of the building where the trio is staying. Clarkson holds back laughter.]
D. Handpump: I don't like it.
R. Hammond: It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate, climb it!
D. Handpump: Not if you're me, it's not.
[Clarkson looks toward the camera The Stig is holding and the viewers beyond it.]
J. Clarkson: Now I should point out to the viewers that James is scared of heights. Like, really scared.
D. Handpump: How many of Clarkov's art pieces are up here?
R. Hammond: One.
D. Handpump: One?!
R. Hammond: Yes, a drawing.
D. Handpump: Just leave it!
R. Hammond: Furu's bodyguard will shoot us, mate, we can't.
D. Handpump: Wha- Just because that expressionless confusing disabled bastard is hanging around in there blabbing about dandelions or something, we have to retrieve their piece of paper?
J. Clarkson: Furu never asked for this, Esmeralda made us do it after she found out you had misplaced it.
D. Handpump: ...I was sort of hoping you didn't know that.
R. Hammond: Yeah, we gotta do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it.
D. Handpump: Hammond, I... I- I hate... I hate heights, you know I do. I hate ladders, I hate bodyguards.
J. Clarkson: You got on just fine with Vanya, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Very funny.
R. Hammond: Furu's self-appointed bodyguard... don't you think she's being a bit vindictive?
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what is a fat middle aged man supposed to do?
R. Hammond: Honestly, this makes me wonder why we don't meet people of other nations often.
D. Handpump: Well, the last time we did was with Quiyakaso and that ended about as well as you'd expect.
R. Hammond: Oh yeah.
J. Clarkson: Uh, guys? I just got the results in, we beat Fujai 2-0.
R. Hammond: That's good and all, but we need to finish this off.
                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Clarkson, Hammond and May had all been through a fair bit. Uncovering hidden Ryxtylopian slums, meeting the Tsar's security and doing surprisingly well in The Genesis, it was time for a bit of relaxation...
D. Handpump: You said this would be relaxing.
J. Clarkson: It is.
[May is up a ladder on the roof of the building where the trio is staying. Clarkson holds back laughter.]
D. Handpump: I don't like it.
R. Hammond: It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate, climb it!
D. Handpump: Not if you're me, it's not.
[Clarkson looks toward the camera The Stig is holding and the viewers beyond it.]
J. Clarkson: Now I should point out to the viewers that James is scared of heights. Like, really scared.
D. Handpump: How many of Clarkov's art pieces are up here?
R. Hammond: One.
D. Handpump: One?!
R. Hammond: Yes, a drawing.
D. Handpump: Just leave it!
R. Hammond: Furu's bodyguard will shoot us, mate, we can't.
D. Handpump: Wha- Just because that expressionless confusing disabled bastard is hanging around in there blabbing about dandelions or something, we have to retrieve their piece of paper?
J. Clarkson: Furu never asked for this, Esmeralda made us do it after she found out you had misplaced it.
D. Handpump: ...I was sort of hoping you didn't know that.
R. Hammond: Yeah, we gotta do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it.
D. Handpump: Hammond, I... I- I hate... I hate heights, you know I do. I hate ladders, I hate bodyguards.
J. Clarkson: You got on just fine with Vanya, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Very funny.
R. Hammond: Furu's self-appointed bodyguard... don't you think she's being a bit vindictive?
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what is a fat middle aged man supposed to do?
R. Hammond: Honestly, this makes me wonder why we don't meet people of other nations often.
D. Handpump: Well, the last time we did was with Quiyakaso and that ended about as well as you'd expect.
R. Hammond: Oh yeah.
J. Clarkson: Uh, guys? I just got the results in, we beat Fujai 2-0.
R. Hammond: That's good and all, but we need to finish this off.
                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Clarkson, Hammond and May had all been through a fair bit. Uncovering hidden Ryxtylopian slums, meeting the Tsar's security and doing surprisingly well in The Genesis, it was time for a bit of relaxation...
D. Handpump: You said this would be relaxing.
J. Clarkson: It is.
[May is up a ladder on the roof of the building where the trio is staying. Clarkson holds back laughter.]
D. Handpump: I don't like it.
R. Hammond: It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate, climb it!
D. Handpump: Not if you're me, it's not.
[Clarkson looks toward the camera The Stig is holding and the viewers beyond it.]
J. Clarkson: Now I should point out to the viewers that James is scared of heights. Like, really scared.
D. Handpump: How many of Clarkov's art pieces are up here?
R. Hammond: One.
D. Handpump: One?!
R. Hammond: Yes, a drawing.
D. Handpump: Just leave it!
R. Hammond: Furu's bodyguard will shoot us, mate, we can't.
D. Handpump: Wha- Just because that expressionless confusing disabled bastard is hanging around in there blabbing about dandelions or something, we have to retrieve their piece of paper?
J. Clarkson: Furu never asked for this, Esmeralda made us do it after she found out you had misplaced it.
D. Handpump: ...I was sort of hoping you didn't know that.
R. Hammond: Yeah, we gotta do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it.
D. Handpump: Hammond, I... I- I hate... I hate heights, you know I do. I hate ladders, I hate bodyguards.
J. Clarkson: You got on just fine with Vanya, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Very funny.
R. Hammond: Furu's self-appointed bodyguard... don't you think she's being a bit vindictive?
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what is a fat middle aged man supposed to do?
R. Hammond: Honestly, this makes me wonder why we don't meet people of other nations often.
D. Handpump: Well, the last time we did was with Quiyakaso and that ended about as well as you'd expect.
R. Hammond: Oh yeah.
J. Clarkson: Uh, guys? I just got the results in, we beat Fujai 2-0.
R. Hammond: That's good and all, but we need to finish this off.
                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Clarkson, Hammond and May had all been through a fair bit. Uncovering hidden Ryxtylopian slums, meeting the Tsar's security and doing surprisingly well in The Genesis, it was time for a bit of relaxation...
D. Handpump: You said this would be relaxing.
J. Clarkson: It is.
[May is up a ladder on the roof of the building where the trio is staying. Clarkson holds back laughter.]
D. Handpump: I don't like it.
R. Hammond: It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate, climb it!
D. Handpump: Not if you're me, it's not.
[Clarkson looks toward the camera The Stig is holding and the viewers beyond it.]
J. Clarkson: Now I should point out to the viewers that James is scared of heights. Like, really scared.
D. Handpump: How many of Clarkov's art pieces are up here?
R. Hammond: One.
D. Handpump: One?!
R. Hammond: Yes, a drawing.
D. Handpump: Just leave it!
R. Hammond: Furu's bodyguard will shoot us, mate, we can't.
D. Handpump: Wha- Just because that expressionless confusing disabled bastard is hanging around in there blabbing about dandelions or something, we have to retrieve their piece of paper?
J. Clarkson: Furu never asked for this, Esmeralda made us do it after she found out you had misplaced it.
D. Handpump: ...I was sort of hoping you didn't know that.
R. Hammond: Yeah, we gotta do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it.
D. Handpump: Hammond, I... I- I hate... I hate heights, you know I do. I hate ladders, I hate bodyguards.
J. Clarkson: You got on just fine with Vanya, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Very funny.
R. Hammond: Furu's self-appointed bodyguard... don't you think she's being a bit vindictive?
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what is a fat middle aged man supposed to do?
R. Hammond: Honestly, this makes me wonder why we don't meet people of other nations often.
D. Handpump: Well, the last time we did was with Quiyakaso and that ended about as well as you'd expect.
R. Hammond: Oh yeah.
J. Clarkson: Uh, guys? I just got the results in, we beat Fujai 2-0.
R. Hammond: That's good and all, but we need to finish this off.
                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Due to May being an imbecile and wandering into the Ryxtylopian slums, he ended up meeting with the Tsar while Clarkson and Hammond are searching for him within the slums...
J. Clarkson: Where's he gone?
R. Hammond: I don't know, but it doesn't look very friendly around here.
J. Clarkson: It feels like we're going to get rocks thrown at us just for being here.
R. Hammond: The last thing I need is to get chased out of Ryxtylopia by an angry mob.
J. Clarkson: You'd put Operation Bugger Off into action, I'm guessing.
R. Hammond: Well, yeah.
J. Clarkson: So would I. But if we can't, then...
[Clarkson brandishes a hammer and gives Hammond some scissors.]
R. Hammond: You do know you're just going to make us bigger targets.
J. Clarkson: Well, if we are attacked by irate Ryxtylopians then I can hit them in the middle of their face and you can insert those scissors into their eyes.
R. Hammond: Okay.
J. Clarkson: Anyway, what were we doing?
R. Hammond: Looking for James, he's probably made his way to Dalimbar by now.
J. Clarkson: Can you imagine the Dalimbari dealing with James May's pre-flight checks? 
R. Hammond: I don't see how they'd tolera- oh, bugger. He's over there in the car with the Frozen Crown symbol on it.
J. Clarkson: Oh... hang on, is that Tsar Mecislavs?
R. Hammond: Yeah. This can't be good.
[The Tsar and his bodyguards - Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya - drop May off to where Clarkson and Hammond are looking for him.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: I believe this is yours.
J. May: Thanks very much.
J. Clarkson: James, what was that?
J. May: Err, I can explain.
Liben V.: Hopefully not.
R. Hammond: What have you done?!
J. May: Wait, what do you mean?
Tsar Mecislavs I: I'll explain. When I and my security found James, we had to navigate our way through Ryxtylopian slums.
R. Hammond: Slums that the government here denied the existence of.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Exactly.
J. Clarkson: That's actually quite serious.
J. May: I heard a few murmurings in the slums about how unhappy the people in it were at the Football World Cup taking place currently.
Tsar Mecislavs I: That's right.
Larysa O.: I can attest to that. My partners were in earshot of discussions about some protest crackdowns.
Tsar Mecislavs I: I can't just reveal that Ryxtylopia's government have been hiding these conditions from the world.
Liben V.: That is true. I mean, who's going to believe the absolute monarch of some isolated frozen nowhere land with less than 10 people/km2?
R. Hammond: Well, no one without video evidence.
J. May: Ah ha. You cannot even begin to comprehend the bounds of my forthcoming genius.
J. Clarkson: That's my line!
[May reveals a secret camera hidden in his tie.]
J. May: Ta da! I used this to film the slums while I was being, well, lost in them.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You had that this whole time?
J. May: Actually I almost forgot it.
J. Clarkson: Tell the Tsar why you almost forgot it.
J. May: ...okay, I did go overboard with the pre-flight checks and that's how.
Svetoslav S.: Such business has no need to take upwards of three hours.
R. Hammond: That's what I kept trying to tell him.
J. May: You have to admit, it is quite fun.
R. Hammond: You are joking! That's about as fun as watching The Genesis lose 2-1 at the last minute to Nieubasria or watching a bear play as goalkeeper.
J. Clarkson: Let's not get bogged down with who is so old that he calls Andoliaville the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland.
R. Hammond: Don't forget that he thinks they should belong to Varanius.
J. Clarkson: Well we'll gloss over that and get to a point I've been wanting to make. Did you nick James' identity details?
Vanya P.: Yeah...
J. May: Hang on, a top level bodyguard for the monarch of Hertfordshire and Jammbo thought it would be funny to use her access to royal accounts to impersonate me?
Vanya P.: Who said bodyguards are no fun?
Tsar Mecislavs I: Vanya has a point. That's kind of why I didn't stop her.
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what fascinates me is that she had a choice. She could have been Adsila Ani-Wah, or Marcarius.
R. Hammond: Yeah, you can look around the world, anybody. 'I wanna be Marshall Briand. Cool. Powerful. No, wait a minute! I want to live in Great Parndon and have a folding bicycle, so that one day, I can walk out of my house and say "Look at me, behold! I have become James May... and now I will organise your paper clips, have you got a pie?"'.
[Clarkson, Vanya, Mecislavs and Larysa can't help but burst into varied degrees of laughter.]
J. Clarkson: Well th- n- the good thing James, is we can guarantee this will never happen to you again. Becau-
J. May: Can you...
J. Clarkson: Yes, because we have come up with a new name for you.
R. Hammond: Yeah. You are now... Dingleberry Handpump. That is your name, a new identity.
J. Clarkson: Nobody's gonna steal that because nobody's going to enter a mobile phone shop and say 'I'd like to set up an account please, my name is Dingleberry Handpump'. You're completely safe, it's just that that's now your name.
Vanya P.: I wouldn't steal that name.
R. Hammond: Our case rests.
Dingleberry Handpump: I appreciate that.
Svetoslav S.: I implore that we should leave these slums as soon as possible. I'm not sticking around for when another protest begins.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good point. We're leaving this place.
[Mecislavs and his security/bodyguards Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya get back into the royal limo, not before Vanya smiled at and waved goodbye to Handpump May.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: By the way, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Yes...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Could you send me your filming of the Ryxtylopian slums? No one else knows about what we've been doing here, so it should be fine.
D. Handpump: Yeah, I can arrange that.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Thanks.
[Mecislavs and his security embark back to the lounge they're staying in, which is the same one as The Genesis.]
R. Hammond: Don't Slow run the place where the Tsar is staying? No wonder James likes it.
J. Clarkson: Them and IceHotel. The same place The Genesis are staying. 
D. Handpump: IceHotel originally started out in 1389 as a sort of breakaway art gallery and grew into a hotel and bar group from there. As you'd expect, it's an independent thing run by a group of artists with the intent of expressing their own take on the world, each of them giving their own spin to the hotel made of ice and snow. They apparently took inspiration from the River Brandon which they use for material all year rou-
J. Clarkson: Okay, that's enough Handpump. Sadly we haven't got time for your lecture on all of IceHotel's history.
[Handpump rolls his eyes.]
R. Hammond: The ads we made are ready, right?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Very good. So, anyone who's watching or does watch this, there you are. Jeremy made the first one, I made the second and Handpump made the third one.
J. Clarkson: Can we do Operation Bugger Off now?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Let's.



                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Due to May being an imbecile and wandering into the Ryxtylopian slums, he ended up meeting with the Tsar while Clarkson and Hammond are searching for him within the slums...
J. Clarkson: Where's he gone?
R. Hammond: I don't know, but it doesn't look very friendly around here.
J. Clarkson: It feels like we're going to get rocks thrown at us just for being here.
R. Hammond: The last thing I need is to get chased out of Ryxtylopia by an angry mob.
J. Clarkson: You'd put Operation Bugger Off into action, I'm guessing.
R. Hammond: Well, yeah.
J. Clarkson: So would I. But if we can't, then...
[Clarkson brandishes a hammer and gives Hammond some scissors.]
R. Hammond: You do know you're just going to make us bigger targets.
J. Clarkson: Well, if we are attacked by irate Ryxtylopians then I can hit them in the middle of their face and you can insert those scissors into their eyes.
R. Hammond: Okay.
J. Clarkson: Anyway, what were we doing?
R. Hammond: Looking for James, he's probably made his way to Dalimbar by now.
J. Clarkson: Can you imagine the Dalimbari dealing with James May's pre-flight checks? 
R. Hammond: I don't see how they'd tolera- oh, bugger. He's over there in the car with the Frozen Crown symbol on it.
J. Clarkson: Oh... hang on, is that Tsar Mecislavs?
R. Hammond: Yeah. This can't be good.
[The Tsar and his bodyguards - Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya - drop May off to where Clarkson and Hammond are looking for him.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: I believe this is yours.
J. May: Thanks very much.
J. Clarkson: James, what was that?
J. May: Err, I can explain.
Liben V.: Hopefully not.
R. Hammond: What have you done?!
J. May: Wait, what do you mean?
Tsar Mecislavs I: I'll explain. When I and my security found James, we had to navigate our way through Ryxtylopian slums.
R. Hammond: Slums that the government here denied the existence of.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Exactly.
J. Clarkson: That's actually quite serious.
J. May: I heard a few murmurings in the slums about how unhappy the people in it were at the Football World Cup taking place currently.
Tsar Mecislavs I: That's right.
Larysa O.: I can attest to that. My partners were in earshot of discussions about some protest crackdowns.
Tsar Mecislavs I: I can't just reveal that Ryxtylopia's government have been hiding these conditions from the world.
Liben V.: That is true. I mean, who's going to believe the absolute monarch of some isolated frozen nowhere land with less than 10 people/km2?
R. Hammond: Well, no one without video evidence.
J. May: Ah ha. You cannot even begin to comprehend the bounds of my forthcoming genius.
J. Clarkson: That's my line!
[May reveals a secret camera hidden in his tie.]
J. May: Ta da! I used this to film the slums while I was being, well, lost in them.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You had that this whole time?
J. May: Actually I almost forgot it.
J. Clarkson: Tell the Tsar why you almost forgot it.
J. May: ...okay, I did go overboard with the pre-flight checks and that's how.
Svetoslav S.: Such business has no need to take upwards of three hours.
R. Hammond: That's what I kept trying to tell him.
J. May: You have to admit, it is quite fun.
R. Hammond: You are joking! That's about as fun as watching The Genesis lose 2-1 at the last minute to Nieubasria or watching a bear play as goalkeeper.
J. Clarkson: Let's not get bogged down with who is so old that he calls Andoliaville the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland.
R. Hammond: Don't forget that he thinks they should belong to Varanius.
J. Clarkson: Well we'll gloss over that and get to a point I've been wanting to make. Did you nick James' identity details?
Vanya P.: Yeah...
J. May: Hang on, a top level bodyguard for the monarch of Hertfordshire and Jammbo thought it would be funny to use her access to royal accounts to impersonate me?
Vanya P.: Who said bodyguards are no fun?
Tsar Mecislavs I: Vanya has a point. That's kind of why I didn't stop her.
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what fascinates me is that she had a choice. She could have been Adsila Ani-Wah, or Marcarius.
R. Hammond: Yeah, you can look around the world, anybody. 'I wanna be Marshall Briand. Cool. Powerful. No, wait a minute! I want to live in Great Parndon and have a folding bicycle, so that one day, I can walk out of my house and say "Look at me, behold! I have become James May... and now I will organise your paper clips, have you got a pie?"'.
[Clarkson, Vanya, Mecislavs and Larysa can't help but burst into varied degrees of laughter.]
J. Clarkson: Well th- n- the good thing James, is we can guarantee this will never happen to you again. Becau-
J. May: Can you...
J. Clarkson: Yes, because we have come up with a new name for you.
R. Hammond: Yeah. You are now... Dingleberry Handpump. That is your name, a new identity.
J. Clarkson: Nobody's gonna steal that because nobody's going to enter a mobile phone shop and say 'I'd like to set up an account please, my name is Dingleberry Handpump'. You're completely safe, it's just that that's now your name.
Vanya P.: I wouldn't steal that name.
R. Hammond: Our case rests.
Dingleberry Handpump: I appreciate that.
Svetoslav S.: I implore that we should leave these slums as soon as possible. I'm not sticking around for when another protest begins.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good point. We're leaving this place.
[Mecislavs and his security/bodyguards Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya get back into the royal limo, not before Vanya smiled at and waved goodbye to Handpump May.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: By the way, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Yes...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Could you send me your filming of the Ryxtylopian slums? No one else knows about what we've been doing here, so it should be fine.
D. Handpump: Yeah, I can arrange that.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Thanks.
[Mecislavs and his security embark back to the lounge they're staying in, which is the same one as The Genesis.]
R. Hammond: Don't Slow run the place where the Tsar is staying? No wonder James likes it.
J. Clarkson: Them and IceHotel. The same place The Genesis are staying. 
D. Handpump: IceHotel originally started out in 1389 as a sort of breakaway art gallery and grew into a hotel and bar group from there. As you'd expect, it's an independent thing run by a group of artists with the intent of expressing their own take on the world, each of them giving their own spin to the hotel made of ice and snow. They apparently took inspiration from the River Brandon which they use for material all year rou-
J. Clarkson: Okay, that's enough Handpump. Sadly we haven't got time for your lecture on all of IceHotel's history.
[Handpump rolls his eyes.]
R. Hammond: The ads we made are ready, right?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Very good. So, anyone who's watching or does watch this, there you are. Jeremy made the first one, I made the second and Handpump made the third one.
J. Clarkson: Can we do Operation Bugger Off now?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Let's.



                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Due to May being an imbecile and wandering into the Ryxtylopian slums, he ended up meeting with the Tsar while Clarkson and Hammond are searching for him within the slums...
J. Clarkson: Where's he gone?
R. Hammond: I don't know, but it doesn't look very friendly around here.
J. Clarkson: It feels like we're going to get rocks thrown at us just for being here.
R. Hammond: The last thing I need is to get chased out of Ryxtylopia by an angry mob.
J. Clarkson: You'd put Operation Bugger Off into action, I'm guessing.
R. Hammond: Well, yeah.
J. Clarkson: So would I. But if we can't, then...
[Clarkson brandishes a hammer and gives Hammond some scissors.]
R. Hammond: You do know you're just going to make us bigger targets.
J. Clarkson: Well, if we are attacked by irate Ryxtylopians then I can hit them in the middle of their face and you can insert those scissors into their eyes.
R. Hammond: Okay.
J. Clarkson: Anyway, what were we doing?
R. Hammond: Looking for James, he's probably made his way to Dalimbar by now.
J. Clarkson: Can you imagine the Dalimbari dealing with James May's pre-flight checks? 
R. Hammond: I don't see how they'd tolera- oh, bugger. He's over there in the car with the Frozen Crown symbol on it.
J. Clarkson: Oh... hang on, is that Tsar Mecislavs?
R. Hammond: Yeah. This can't be good.
[The Tsar and his bodyguards - Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya - drop May off to where Clarkson and Hammond are looking for him.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: I believe this is yours.
J. May: Thanks very much.
J. Clarkson: James, what was that?
J. May: Err, I can explain.
Liben V.: Hopefully not.
R. Hammond: What have you done?!
J. May: Wait, what do you mean?
Tsar Mecislavs I: I'll explain. When I and my security found James, we had to navigate our way through Ryxtylopian slums.
R. Hammond: Slums that the government here denied the existence of.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Exactly.
J. Clarkson: That's actually quite serious.
J. May: I heard a few murmurings in the slums about how unhappy the people in it were at the Football World Cup taking place currently.
Tsar Mecislavs I: That's right.
Larysa O.: I can attest to that. My partners were in earshot of discussions about some protest crackdowns.
Tsar Mecislavs I: I can't just reveal that Ryxtylopia's government have been hiding these conditions from the world.
Liben V.: That is true. I mean, who's going to believe the absolute monarch of some isolated frozen nowhere land with less than 10 people/km2?
R. Hammond: Well, no one without video evidence.
J. May: Ah ha. You cannot even begin to comprehend the bounds of my forthcoming genius.
J. Clarkson: That's my line!
[May reveals a secret camera hidden in his tie.]
J. May: Ta da! I used this to film the slums while I was being, well, lost in them.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You had that this whole time?
J. May: Actually I almost forgot it.
J. Clarkson: Tell the Tsar why you almost forgot it.
J. May: ...okay, I did go overboard with the pre-flight checks and that's how.
Svetoslav S.: Such business has no need to take upwards of three hours.
R. Hammond: That's what I kept trying to tell him.
J. May: You have to admit, it is quite fun.
R. Hammond: You are joking! That's about as fun as watching The Genesis lose 2-1 at the last minute to Nieubasria or watching a bear play as goalkeeper.
J. Clarkson: Let's not get bogged down with who is so old that he calls Andoliaville the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland.
R. Hammond: Don't forget that he thinks they should belong to Varanius.
J. Clarkson: Well we'll gloss over that and get to a point I've been wanting to make. Did you nick James' identity details?
Vanya P.: Yeah...
J. May: Hang on, a top level bodyguard for the monarch of Hertfordshire and Jammbo thought it would be funny to use her access to royal accounts to impersonate me?
Vanya P.: Who said bodyguards are no fun?
Tsar Mecislavs I: Vanya has a point. That's kind of why I didn't stop her.
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what fascinates me is that she had a choice. She could have been Adsila Ani-Wah, or Marcarius.
R. Hammond: Yeah, you can look around the world, anybody. 'I wanna be Marshall Briand. Cool. Powerful. No, wait a minute! I want to live in Great Parndon and have a folding bicycle, so that one day, I can walk out of my house and say "Look at me, behold! I have become James May... and now I will organise your paper clips, have you got a pie?"'.
[Clarkson, Vanya, Mecislavs and Larysa can't help but burst into varied degrees of laughter.]
J. Clarkson: Well th- n- the good thing James, is we can guarantee this will never happen to you again. Becau-
J. May: Can you...
J. Clarkson: Yes, because we have come up with a new name for you.
R. Hammond: Yeah. You are now... Dingleberry Handpump. That is your name, a new identity.
J. Clarkson: Nobody's gonna steal that because nobody's going to enter a mobile phone shop and say 'I'd like to set up an account please, my name is Dingleberry Handpump'. You're completely safe, it's just that that's now your name.
Vanya P.: I wouldn't steal that name.
R. Hammond: Our case rests.
Dingleberry Handpump: I appreciate that.
Svetoslav S.: I implore that we should leave these slums as soon as possible. I'm not sticking around for when another protest begins.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good point. We're leaving this place.
[Mecislavs and his security/bodyguards Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya get back into the royal limo, not before Vanya smiled at and waved goodbye to Handpump May.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: By the way, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Yes...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Could you send me your filming of the Ryxtylopian slums? No one else knows about what we've been doing here, so it should be fine.
D. Handpump: Yeah, I can arrange that.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Thanks.
[Mecislavs and his security embark back to the lounge they're staying in, which is the same one as The Genesis.]
R. Hammond: Don't Slow run the place where the Tsar is staying? No wonder James likes it.
J. Clarkson: Them and IceHotel. The same place The Genesis are staying. 
D. Handpump: IceHotel originally started out in 1389 as a sort of breakaway art gallery and grew into a hotel and bar group from there. As you'd expect, it's an independent thing run by a group of artists with the intent of expressing their own take on the world, each of them giving their own spin to the hotel made of ice and snow. They apparently took inspiration from the River Brandon which they use for material all year rou-
J. Clarkson: Okay, that's enough Handpump. Sadly we haven't got time for your lecture on all of IceHotel's history.
[Handpump rolls his eyes.]
R. Hammond: The ads we made are ready, right?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Very good. So, anyone who's watching or does watch this, there you are. Jeremy made the first one, I made the second and Handpump made the third one.
J. Clarkson: Can we do Operation Bugger Off now?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Let's.



                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

When Clarkson, Hammond and May all convened with the rest of The Genesis, they spent an idle time driving about. Hammond then told the other two to go away...
Jokichi Y.: Hey! I brought that camera you asked for.
Lyubomyr D.: Just put it over there, yeah?
Enrico P.: Yes. The others will sort it out.
Rashad G.: Hey, you need any help?
Ozen I.: That won't be necessary.
Kanako Y.: Let's hurry up here, we don't exactly have time to be lazing about.
Nia H.: This feels like a scene from an anime.
[Reimu yawns excessively, refusing to move from the strenuous activity of drinking sake on the floor with a glorified pillow for comfort]
Reimu H.: Do I have to? This is hardly important.
Clarkov S.: ...Really?
Rashad G.: You're not exempt from this, Reimu.
Yuri M.: Look over here. Now would you come and help please?
[Reimu reluctantly gets up and helps the others set up the equipment, Hammond then enters the room.]
R. Hammond: Thanks guys. You've been a real help today.
Rashad G.: No problem, Richard. You said you wanted it done quickly.
R. Hammond: Yeah, I got something I want to show.
Seiko S.: Well, let's clear the area and let Richard get to it.
[Hammond prepares to address the viewers tuning in to the live session while the others leave the room.]
Seiko S.: Hey, did you know Richard always ad-libs his videos?
Naho S.: I think we all knew that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to be looking for someone.
Info-C.: Still searching for Kou, I see.
Naho S.: Who else? Lain, make sure Seiko doesn't follow me. I'm not sure I can bear her.
Lain V.: Yeah, no problem.
[Lain grabs Seiko by the arm and drags her along with him, Naho diverts in search of her mentor and Hammond turns on the camera to begin filming.]
R. Hammond: Hello. This is rather impromptu from me, but you'll soon see why. Now, I'm known to have a lot of people back in Hertfordshire & Jammbo... mainly teenage girls and a few teenage boys... that think I'm the most handsome person this side of Oliver.
J. May: Oliver...!
[May holds back laughter in the distance.]
R. Hammond: Ignore that, it's just a spaniel. Anyway, I was reading some of those comments underneath the videos of us three and thought to myself, 'what if anyone wants to pretend to be us'. Weird thought, I know, but to solve that I came up with this.
[Hammond holds up a shoddy title card.]



[Because James is slow and lost, we couldn't get his part done in time. Sorry. - Richard Hammond]
R. Hammond: Hang on, I've just received word that The Genesis were beaten 2-1 by Candelu and because of that we are now fifth in our group.
[Clarkson enters the room from behind Hammond.]
J. Clarkson: It gets worse, I'm afraid. We're up against Nieubasria next.
R. Hammond: We may be screwed... anyway, have you managed to get a hold of James?
J. Clarkson: Sadly, I couldn't tell where James had gone, because he's an imbecile.
[Clarkson shows Hammond a photo of James having become lost in a very strange area of Ryxtylopia.]
Clarkson told Hammond about Gwyn's good performances in the central midfield position that Hammond would be taking back starting with the upcoming match. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to everyone...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Right then. I'm ready. Are you all ready to go?
Svetoslav S.: We're ready and waiting for the all clear.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good job. I know I can count on all of you.
Larysa O.: We'll scan any potential threats on our journey. If we are breached, you already know how to fight.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You know me well. I didn't just spend my time as an Esferiad athlete doing my chosen sports after all. A good monarch is always prepared. Now then, time to enter the slums. Let's see what's really going on here.
[Somewhere not far from where the Tsar is, May is only just realising that he's lost. Not for the first time this trip.]
J. May: Erm... chaps....

                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Due to May being an imbecile and wandering into the Ryxtylopian slums, he ended up meeting with the Tsar while Clarkson and Hammond are searching for him within the slums...
J. Clarkson: Where's he gone?
R. Hammond: I don't know, but it doesn't look very friendly around here.
J. Clarkson: It feels like we're going to get rocks thrown at us just for being here.
R. Hammond: The last thing I need is to get chased out of Ryxtylopia by an angry mob.
J. Clarkson: You'd put Operation Bugger Off into action, I'm guessing.
R. Hammond: Well, yeah.
J. Clarkson: So would I. But if we can't, then...
[Clarkson brandishes a hammer and gives Hammond some scissors.]
R. Hammond: You do know you're just going to make us bigger targets.
J. Clarkson: Well, if we are attacked by irate Ryxtylopians then I can hit them in the middle of their face and you can insert those scissors into their eyes.
R. Hammond: Okay.
J. Clarkson: Anyway, what were we doing?
R. Hammond: Looking for James, he's probably made his way to Dalimbar by now.
J. Clarkson: Can you imagine the Dalimbari dealing with James May's pre-flight checks? 
R. Hammond: I don't see how they'd tolera- oh, bugger. He's over there in the car with the Frozen Crown symbol on it.
J. Clarkson: Oh... hang on, is that Tsar Mecislavs?
R. Hammond: Yeah. This can't be good.
[The Tsar and his bodyguards - Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya - drop May off to where Clarkson and Hammond are looking for him.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: I believe this is yours.
J. May: Thanks very much.
J. Clarkson: James, what was that?
J. May: Err, I can explain.
Liben V.: Hopefully not.
R. Hammond: What have you done?!
J. May: Wait, what do you mean?
Tsar Mecislavs I: I'll explain. When I and my security found James, we had to navigate our way through Ryxtylopian slums.
R. Hammond: Slums that the government here denied the existence of.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Exactly.
J. Clarkson: That's actually quite serious.
J. May: I heard a few murmurings in the slums about how unhappy the people in it were at the Football World Cup taking place currently.
Tsar Mecislavs I: That's right.
Larysa O.: I can attest to that. My partners were in earshot of discussions about some protest crackdowns.
Tsar Mecislavs I: I can't just reveal that Ryxtylopia's government have been hiding these conditions from the world.
Liben V.: That is true. I mean, who's going to believe the absolute monarch of some isolated frozen nowhere land with less than 10 people/km2?
R. Hammond: Well, no one without video evidence.
J. May: Ah ha. You cannot even begin to comprehend the bounds of my forthcoming genius.
J. Clarkson: That's my line!
[May reveals a secret camera hidden in his tie.]
J. May: Ta da! I used this to film the slums while I was being, well, lost in them.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You had that this whole time?
J. May: Actually I almost forgot it.
J. Clarkson: Tell the Tsar why you almost forgot it.
J. May: ...okay, I did go overboard with the pre-flight checks and that's how.
Svetoslav S.: Such business has no need to take upwards of three hours.
R. Hammond: That's what I kept trying to tell him.
J. May: You have to admit, it is quite fun.
R. Hammond: You are joking! That's about as fun as watching The Genesis lose 2-1 at the last minute to Nieubasria or watching a bear play as goalkeeper.
J. Clarkson: Let's not get bogged down with who is so old that he calls Andoliaville the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland.
R. Hammond: Don't forget that he thinks they should belong to Varanius.
J. Clarkson: Well we'll gloss over that and get to a point I've been wanting to make. Did you nick James' identity details?
Vanya P.: Yeah...
J. May: Hang on, a top level bodyguard for the monarch of Hertfordshire and Jammbo thought it would be funny to use her access to royal accounts to impersonate me?
Vanya P.: Who said bodyguards are no fun?
Tsar Mecislavs I: Vanya has a point. That's kind of why I didn't stop her.
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what fascinates me is that she had a choice. She could have been Adsila Ani-Wah, or Marcarius.
R. Hammond: Yeah, you can look around the world, anybody. 'I wanna be Marshall Briand. Cool. Powerful. No, wait a minute! I want to live in Great Parndon and have a folding bicycle, so that one day, I can walk out of my house and say "Look at me, behold! I have become James May... and now I will organise your paper clips, have you got a pie?"'.
[Clarkson, Vanya, Mecislavs and Larysa can't help but burst into varied degrees of laughter.]
J. Clarkson: Well th- n- the good thing James, is we can guarantee this will never happen to you again. Becau-
J. May: Can you...
J. Clarkson: Yes, because we have come up with a new name for you.
R. Hammond: Yeah. You are now... Dingleberry Handpump. That is your name, a new identity.
J. Clarkson: Nobody's gonna steal that because nobody's going to enter a mobile phone shop and say 'I'd like to set up an account please, my name is Dingleberry Handpump'. You're completely safe, it's just that that's now your name.
Vanya P.: I wouldn't steal that name.
R. Hammond: Our case rests.
Dingleberry Handpump: I appreciate that.
Svetoslav S.: I implore that we should leave these slums as soon as possible. I'm not sticking around for when another protest begins.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good point. We're leaving this place.
[Mecislavs and his security/bodyguards Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya get back into the royal limo, not before Vanya smiled at and waved goodbye to Handpump May.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: By the way, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Yes...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Could you send me your filming of the Ryxtylopian slums? No one else knows about what we've been doing here, so it should be fine.
D. Handpump: Yeah, I can arrange that.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Thanks.
[Mecislavs and his security embark back to the lounge they're staying in, which is the same one as The Genesis.]
R. Hammond: Don't Slow run the place where the Tsar is staying? No wonder James likes it.
J. Clarkson: Them and IceHotel. The same place The Genesis are staying. 
D. Handpump: IceHotel originally started out in 1389 as a sort of breakaway art gallery and grew into a hotel and bar group from there. As you'd expect, it's an independent thing run by a group of artists with the intent of expressing their own take on the world, each of them giving their own spin to the hotel made of ice and snow. They apparently took inspiration from the River Brandon which they use for material all year rou-
J. Clarkson: Okay, that's enough Handpump. Sadly we haven't got time for your lecture on all of IceHotel's history.
[Handpump rolls his eyes.]
R. Hammond: The ads we made are ready, right?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Very good. So, anyone who's watching or does watch this, there you are. Jeremy made the first one, I made the second and Handpump made the third one.
J. Clarkson: Can we do Operation Bugger Off now?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Let's.



                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Due to May being an imbecile and wandering into the Ryxtylopian slums, he ended up meeting with the Tsar while Clarkson and Hammond are searching for him within the slums...
J. Clarkson: Where's he gone?
R. Hammond: I don't know, but it doesn't look very friendly around here.
J. Clarkson: It feels like we're going to get rocks thrown at us just for being here.
R. Hammond: The last thing I need is to get chased out of Ryxtylopia by an angry mob.
J. Clarkson: You'd put Operation Bugger Off into action, I'm guessing.
R. Hammond: Well, yeah.
J. Clarkson: So would I. But if we can't, then...
[Clarkson brandishes a hammer and gives Hammond some scissors.]
R. Hammond: You do know you're just going to make us bigger targets.
J. Clarkson: Well, if we are attacked by irate Ryxtylopians then I can hit them in the middle of their face and you can insert those scissors into their eyes.
R. Hammond: Okay.
J. Clarkson: Anyway, what were we doing?
R. Hammond: Looking for James, he's probably made his way to Dalimbar by now.
J. Clarkson: Can you imagine the Dalimbari dealing with James May's pre-flight checks? 
R. Hammond: I don't see how they'd tolera- oh, bugger. He's over there in the car with the Frozen Crown symbol on it.
J. Clarkson: Oh... hang on, is that Tsar Mecislavs?
R. Hammond: Yeah. This can't be good.
[The Tsar and his bodyguards - Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya - drop May off to where Clarkson and Hammond are looking for him.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: I believe this is yours.
J. May: Thanks very much.
J. Clarkson: James, what was that?
J. May: Err, I can explain.
Liben V.: Hopefully not.
R. Hammond: What have you done?!
J. May: Wait, what do you mean?
Tsar Mecislavs I: I'll explain. When I and my security found James, we had to navigate our way through Ryxtylopian slums.
R. Hammond: Slums that the government here denied the existence of.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Exactly.
J. Clarkson: That's actually quite serious.
J. May: I heard a few murmurings in the slums about how unhappy the people in it were at the Football World Cup taking place currently.
Tsar Mecislavs I: That's right.
Larysa O.: I can attest to that. My partners were in earshot of discussions about some protest crackdowns.
Tsar Mecislavs I: I can't just reveal that Ryxtylopia's government have been hiding these conditions from the world.
Liben V.: That is true. I mean, who's going to believe the absolute monarch of some isolated frozen nowhere land with less than 10 people/km2?
R. Hammond: Well, no one without video evidence.
J. May: Ah ha. You cannot even begin to comprehend the bounds of my forthcoming genius.
J. Clarkson: That's my line!
[May reveals a secret camera hidden in his tie.]
J. May: Ta da! I used this to film the slums while I was being, well, lost in them.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You had that this whole time?
J. May: Actually I almost forgot it.
J. Clarkson: Tell the Tsar why you almost forgot it.
J. May: ...okay, I did go overboard with the pre-flight checks and that's how.
Svetoslav S.: Such business has no need to take upwards of three hours.
R. Hammond: That's what I kept trying to tell him.
J. May: You have to admit, it is quite fun.
R. Hammond: You are joking! That's about as fun as watching The Genesis lose 2-1 at the last minute to Nieubasria or watching a bear play as goalkeeper.
J. Clarkson: Let's not get bogged down with who is so old that he calls Andoliaville the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland.
R. Hammond: Don't forget that he thinks they should belong to Varanius.
J. Clarkson: Well we'll gloss over that and get to a point I've been wanting to make. Did you nick James' identity details?
Vanya P.: Yeah...
J. May: Hang on, a top level bodyguard for the monarch of Hertfordshire and Jammbo thought it would be funny to use her access to royal accounts to impersonate me?
Vanya P.: Who said bodyguards are no fun?
Tsar Mecislavs I: Vanya has a point. That's kind of why I didn't stop her.
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what fascinates me is that she had a choice. She could have been Adsila Ani-Wah, or Marcarius.
R. Hammond: Yeah, you can look around the world, anybody. 'I wanna be Marshall Briand. Cool. Powerful. No, wait a minute! I want to live in Great Parndon and have a folding bicycle, so that one day, I can walk out of my house and say "Look at me, behold! I have become James May... and now I will organise your paper clips, have you got a pie?"'.
[Clarkson, Vanya, Mecislavs and Larysa can't help but burst into varied degrees of laughter.]
J. Clarkson: Well th- n- the good thing James, is we can guarantee this will never happen to you again. Becau-
J. May: Can you...
J. Clarkson: Yes, because we have come up with a new name for you.
R. Hammond: Yeah. You are now... Dingleberry Handpump. That is your name, a new identity.
J. Clarkson: Nobody's gonna steal that because nobody's going to enter a mobile phone shop and say 'I'd like to set up an account please, my name is Dingleberry Handpump'. You're completely safe, it's just that that's now your name.
Vanya P.: I wouldn't steal that name.
R. Hammond: Our case rests.
Dingleberry Handpump: I appreciate that.
Svetoslav S.: I implore that we should leave these slums as soon as possible. I'm not sticking around for when another protest begins.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good point. We're leaving this place.
[Mecislavs and his security/bodyguards Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya get back into the royal limo, not before Vanya smiled at and waved goodbye to Handpump May.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: By the way, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Yes...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Could you send me your filming of the Ryxtylopian slums? No one else knows about what we've been doing here, so it should be fine.
D. Handpump: Yeah, I can arrange that.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Thanks.
[Mecislavs and his security embark back to the lounge they're staying in, which is the same one as The Genesis.]
R. Hammond: Don't Slow run the place where the Tsar is staying? No wonder James likes it.
J. Clarkson: Them and IceHotel. The same place The Genesis are staying. 
D. Handpump: IceHotel originally started out in 1389 as a sort of breakaway art gallery and grew into a hotel and bar group from there. As you'd expect, it's an independent thing run by a group of artists with the intent of expressing their own take on the world, each of them giving their own spin to the hotel made of ice and snow. They apparently took inspiration from the River Brandon which they use for material all year rou-
J. Clarkson: Okay, that's enough Handpump. Sadly we haven't got time for your lecture on all of IceHotel's history.
[Handpump rolls his eyes.]
R. Hammond: The ads we made are ready, right?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Very good. So, anyone who's watching or does watch this, there you are. Jeremy made the first one, I made the second and Handpump made the third one.
J. Clarkson: Can we do Operation Bugger Off now?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Let's.



                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Due to May being an imbecile and wandering into the Ryxtylopian slums, he ended up meeting with the Tsar while Clarkson and Hammond are searching for him within the slums...
J. Clarkson: Where's he gone?
R. Hammond: I don't know, but it doesn't look very friendly around here.
J. Clarkson: It feels like we're going to get rocks thrown at us just for being here.
R. Hammond: The last thing I need is to get chased out of Ryxtylopia by an angry mob.
J. Clarkson: You'd put Operation Bugger Off into action, I'm guessing.
R. Hammond: Well, yeah.
J. Clarkson: So would I. But if we can't, then...
[Clarkson brandishes a hammer and gives Hammond some scissors.]
R. Hammond: You do know you're just going to make us bigger targets.
J. Clarkson: Well, if we are attacked by irate Ryxtylopians then I can hit them in the middle of their face and you can insert those scissors into their eyes.
R. Hammond: Okay.
J. Clarkson: Anyway, what were we doing?
R. Hammond: Looking for James, he's probably made his way to Dalimbar by now.
J. Clarkson: Can you imagine the Dalimbari dealing with James May's pre-flight checks? 
R. Hammond: I don't see how they'd tolera- oh, bugger. He's over there in the car with the Frozen Crown symbol on it.
J. Clarkson: Oh... hang on, is that Tsar Mecislavs?
R. Hammond: Yeah. This can't be good.
[The Tsar and his bodyguards - Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya - drop May off to where Clarkson and Hammond are looking for him.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: I believe this is yours.
J. May: Thanks very much.
J. Clarkson: James, what was that?
J. May: Err, I can explain.
Liben V.: Hopefully not.
R. Hammond: What have you done?!
J. May: Wait, what do you mean?
Tsar Mecislavs I: I'll explain. When I and my security found James, we had to navigate our way through Ryxtylopian slums.
R. Hammond: Slums that the government here denied the existence of.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Exactly.
J. Clarkson: That's actually quite serious.
J. May: I heard a few murmurings in the slums about how unhappy the people in it were at the Football World Cup taking place currently.
Tsar Mecislavs I: That's right.
Larysa O.: I can attest to that. My partners were in earshot of discussions about some protest crackdowns.
Tsar Mecislavs I: I can't just reveal that Ryxtylopia's government have been hiding these conditions from the world.
Liben V.: That is true. I mean, who's going to believe the absolute monarch of some isolated frozen nowhere land with less than 10 people/km2?
R. Hammond: Well, no one without video evidence.
J. May: Ah ha. You cannot even begin to comprehend the bounds of my forthcoming genius.
J. Clarkson: That's my line!
[May reveals a secret camera hidden in his tie.]
J. May: Ta da! I used this to film the slums while I was being, well, lost in them.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You had that this whole time?
J. May: Actually I almost forgot it.
J. Clarkson: Tell the Tsar why you almost forgot it.
J. May: ...okay, I did go overboard with the pre-flight checks and that's how.
Svetoslav S.: Such business has no need to take upwards of three hours.
R. Hammond: That's what I kept trying to tell him.
J. May: You have to admit, it is quite fun.
R. Hammond: You are joking! That's about as fun as watching The Genesis lose 2-1 at the last minute to Nieubasria or watching a bear play as goalkeeper.
J. Clarkson: Let's not get bogged down with who is so old that he calls Andoliaville the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland.
R. Hammond: Don't forget that he thinks they should belong to Varanius.
J. Clarkson: Well we'll gloss over that and get to a point I've been wanting to make. Did you nick James' identity details?
Vanya P.: Yeah...
J. May: Hang on, a top level bodyguard for the monarch of Hertfordshire and Jammbo thought it would be funny to use her access to royal accounts to impersonate me?
Vanya P.: Who said bodyguards are no fun?
Tsar Mecislavs I: Vanya has a point. That's kind of why I didn't stop her.
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what fascinates me is that she had a choice. She could have been Adsila Ani-Wah, or Marcarius.
R. Hammond: Yeah, you can look around the world, anybody. 'I wanna be Marshall Briand. Cool. Powerful. No, wait a minute! I want to live in Great Parndon and have a folding bicycle, so that one day, I can walk out of my house and say "Look at me, behold! I have become James May... and now I will organise your paper clips, have you got a pie?"'.
[Clarkson, Vanya, Mecislavs and Larysa can't help but burst into varied degrees of laughter.]
J. Clarkson: Well th- n- the good thing James, is we can guarantee this will never happen to you again. Becau-
J. May: Can you...
J. Clarkson: Yes, because we have come up with a new name for you.
R. Hammond: Yeah. You are now... Dingleberry Handpump. That is your name, a new identity.
J. Clarkson: Nobody's gonna steal that because nobody's going to enter a mobile phone shop and say 'I'd like to set up an account please, my name is Dingleberry Handpump'. You're completely safe, it's just that that's now your name.
Vanya P.: I wouldn't steal that name.
R. Hammond: Our case rests.
Dingleberry Handpump: I appreciate that.
Svetoslav S.: I implore that we should leave these slums as soon as possible. I'm not sticking around for when another protest begins.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good point. We're leaving this place.
[Mecislavs and his security/bodyguards Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya get back into the royal limo, not before Vanya smiled at and waved goodbye to Handpump May.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: By the way, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Yes...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Could you send me your filming of the Ryxtylopian slums? No one else knows about what we've been doing here, so it should be fine.
D. Handpump: Yeah, I can arrange that.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Thanks.
[Mecislavs and his security embark back to the lounge they're staying in, which is the same one as The Genesis.]
R. Hammond: Don't Slow run the place where the Tsar is staying? No wonder James likes it.
J. Clarkson: Them and IceHotel. The same place The Genesis are staying. 
D. Handpump: IceHotel originally started out in 1389 as a sort of breakaway art gallery and grew into a hotel and bar group from there. As you'd expect, it's an independent thing run by a group of artists with the intent of expressing their own take on the world, each of them giving their own spin to the hotel made of ice and snow. They apparently took inspiration from the River Brandon which they use for material all year rou-
J. Clarkson: Okay, that's enough Handpump. Sadly we haven't got time for your lecture on all of IceHotel's history.
[Handpump rolls his eyes.]
R. Hammond: The ads we made are ready, right?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Very good. So, anyone who's watching or does watch this, there you are. Jeremy made the first one, I made the second and Handpump made the third one.
J. Clarkson: Can we do Operation Bugger Off now?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Let's.



                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

Due to May being an imbecile and wandering into the Ryxtylopian slums, he ended up meeting with the Tsar while Clarkson and Hammond are searching for him within the slums...
J. Clarkson: Where's he gone?
R. Hammond: I don't know, but it doesn't look very friendly around here.
J. Clarkson: It feels like we're going to get rocks thrown at us just for being here.
R. Hammond: The last thing I need is to get chased out of Ryxtylopia by an angry mob.
J. Clarkson: You'd put Operation Bugger Off into action, I'm guessing.
R. Hammond: Well, yeah.
J. Clarkson: So would I. But if we can't, then...
[Clarkson brandishes a hammer and gives Hammond some scissors.]
R. Hammond: You do know you're just going to make us bigger targets.
J. Clarkson: Well, if we are attacked by irate Ryxtylopians then I can hit them in the middle of their face and you can insert those scissors into their eyes.
R. Hammond: Okay.
J. Clarkson: Anyway, what were we doing?
R. Hammond: Looking for James, he's probably made his way to Dalimbar by now.
J. Clarkson: Can you imagine the Dalimbari dealing with James May's pre-flight checks? 
R. Hammond: I don't see how they'd tolera- oh, bugger. He's over there in the car with the Frozen Crown symbol on it.
J. Clarkson: Oh... hang on, is that Tsar Mecislavs?
R. Hammond: Yeah. This can't be good.
[The Tsar and his bodyguards - Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya - drop May off to where Clarkson and Hammond are looking for him.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: I believe this is yours.
J. May: Thanks very much.
J. Clarkson: James, what was that?
J. May: Err, I can explain.
Liben V.: Hopefully not.
R. Hammond: What have you done?!
J. May: Wait, what do you mean?
Tsar Mecislavs I: I'll explain. When I and my security found James, we had to navigate our way through Ryxtylopian slums.
R. Hammond: Slums that the government here denied the existence of.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Exactly.
J. Clarkson: That's actually quite serious.
J. May: I heard a few murmurings in the slums about how unhappy the people in it were at the Football World Cup taking place currently.
Tsar Mecislavs I: That's right.
Larysa O.: I can attest to that. My partners were in earshot of discussions about some protest crackdowns.
Tsar Mecislavs I: I can't just reveal that Ryxtylopia's government have been hiding these conditions from the world.
Liben V.: That is true. I mean, who's going to believe the absolute monarch of some isolated frozen nowhere land with less than 10 people/km2?
R. Hammond: Well, no one without video evidence.
J. May: Ah ha. You cannot even begin to comprehend the bounds of my forthcoming genius.
J. Clarkson: That's my line!
[May reveals a secret camera hidden in his tie.]
J. May: Ta da! I used this to film the slums while I was being, well, lost in them.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You had that this whole time?
J. May: Actually I almost forgot it.
J. Clarkson: Tell the Tsar why you almost forgot it.
J. May: ...okay, I did go overboard with the pre-flight checks and that's how.
Svetoslav S.: Such business has no need to take upwards of three hours.
R. Hammond: That's what I kept trying to tell him.
J. May: You have to admit, it is quite fun.
R. Hammond: You are joking! That's about as fun as watching The Genesis lose 2-1 at the last minute to Nieubasria or watching a bear play as goalkeeper.
J. Clarkson: Let's not get bogged down with who is so old that he calls Andoliaville the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland.
R. Hammond: Don't forget that he thinks they should belong to Varanius.
J. Clarkson: Well we'll gloss over that and get to a point I've been wanting to make. Did you nick James' identity details?
Vanya P.: Yeah...
J. May: Hang on, a top level bodyguard for the monarch of Hertfordshire and Jammbo thought it would be funny to use her access to royal accounts to impersonate me?
Vanya P.: Who said bodyguards are no fun?
Tsar Mecislavs I: Vanya has a point. That's kind of why I didn't stop her.
J. Clarkson: Yes, but what fascinates me is that she had a choice. She could have been Adsila Ani-Wah, or Marcarius.
R. Hammond: Yeah, you can look around the world, anybody. 'I wanna be Marshall Briand. Cool. Powerful. No, wait a minute! I want to live in Great Parndon and have a folding bicycle, so that one day, I can walk out of my house and say "Look at me, behold! I have become James May... and now I will organise your paper clips, have you got a pie?"'.
[Clarkson, Vanya, Mecislavs and Larysa can't help but burst into varied degrees of laughter.]
J. Clarkson: Well th- n- the good thing James, is we can guarantee this will never happen to you again. Becau-
J. May: Can you...
J. Clarkson: Yes, because we have come up with a new name for you.
R. Hammond: Yeah. You are now... Dingleberry Handpump. That is your name, a new identity.
J. Clarkson: Nobody's gonna steal that because nobody's going to enter a mobile phone shop and say 'I'd like to set up an account please, my name is Dingleberry Handpump'. You're completely safe, it's just that that's now your name.
Vanya P.: I wouldn't steal that name.
R. Hammond: Our case rests.
Dingleberry Handpump: I appreciate that.
Svetoslav S.: I implore that we should leave these slums as soon as possible. I'm not sticking around for when another protest begins.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good point. We're leaving this place.
[Mecislavs and his security/bodyguards Svetoslav, Larysa, Liben and Vanya get back into the royal limo, not before Vanya smiled at and waved goodbye to Handpump May.]
Tsar Mecislavs I: By the way, Handpump.
D. Handpump: Yes...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Could you send me your filming of the Ryxtylopian slums? No one else knows about what we've been doing here, so it should be fine.
D. Handpump: Yeah, I can arrange that.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Thanks.
[Mecislavs and his security embark back to the lounge they're staying in, which is the same one as The Genesis.]
R. Hammond: Don't Slow run the place where the Tsar is staying? No wonder James likes it.
J. Clarkson: Them and IceHotel. The same place The Genesis are staying. 
D. Handpump: IceHotel originally started out in 1389 as a sort of breakaway art gallery and grew into a hotel and bar group from there. As you'd expect, it's an independent thing run by a group of artists with the intent of expressing their own take on the world, each of them giving their own spin to the hotel made of ice and snow. They apparently took inspiration from the River Brandon which they use for material all year rou-
J. Clarkson: Okay, that's enough Handpump. Sadly we haven't got time for your lecture on all of IceHotel's history.
[Handpump rolls his eyes.]
R. Hammond: The ads we made are ready, right?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Very good. So, anyone who's watching or does watch this, there you are. Jeremy made the first one, I made the second and Handpump made the third one.
J. Clarkson: Can we do Operation Bugger Off now?
D. Handpump: Yeah.
R. Hammond: Let's.



                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

When Clarkson, Hammond and May all convened with the rest of The Genesis, they spent an idle time driving about. Hammond then told the other two to go away...
Jokichi Y.: Hey! I brought that camera you asked for.
Lyubomyr D.: Just put it over there, yeah?
Enrico P.: Yes. The others will sort it out.
Rashad G.: Hey, you need any help?
Ozen I.: That won't be necessary.
Kanako Y.: Let's hurry up here, we don't exactly have time to be lazing about.
Nia H.: This feels like a scene from an anime.
[Reimu yawns excessively, refusing to move from the strenuous activity of drinking sake on the floor with a glorified pillow for comfort]
Reimu H.: Do I have to? This is hardly important.
Clarkov S.: ...Really?
Rashad G.: You're not exempt from this, Reimu.
Yuri M.: Look over here. Now would you come and help please?
[Reimu reluctantly gets up and helps the others set up the equipment, Hammond then enters the room.]
R. Hammond: Thanks guys. You've been a real help today.
Rashad G.: No problem, Richard. You said you wanted it done quickly.
R. Hammond: Yeah, I got something I want to show.
Seiko S.: Well, let's clear the area and let Richard get to it.
[Hammond prepares to address the viewers tuning in to the live session while the others leave the room.]
Seiko S.: Hey, did you know Richard always ad-libs his videos?
Naho S.: I think we all knew that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to be looking for someone.
Info-C.: Still searching for Kou, I see.
Naho S.: Who else? Lain, make sure Seiko doesn't follow me. I'm not sure I can bear her.
Lain V.: Yeah, no problem.
[Lain grabs Seiko by the arm and drags her along with him, Naho diverts in search of her mentor and Hammond turns on the camera to begin filming.]
R. Hammond: Hello. This is rather impromptu from me, but you'll soon see why. Now, I'm known to have a lot of people back in Hertfordshire & Jammbo... mainly teenage girls and a few teenage boys... that think I'm the most handsome person this side of Oliver.
J. May: Oliver...!
[May holds back laughter in the distance.]
R. Hammond: Ignore that, it's just a spaniel. Anyway, I was reading some of those comments underneath the videos of us three and thought to myself, 'what if anyone wants to pretend to be us'. Weird thought, I know, but to solve that I came up with this.
[Hammond holds up a shoddy title card.]



[Because James is slow and lost, we couldn't get his part done in time. Sorry. - Richard Hammond]
R. Hammond: Hang on, I've just received word that The Genesis were beaten 2-1 by Candelu and because of that we are now fifth in our group.
[Clarkson enters the room from behind Hammond.]
J. Clarkson: It gets worse, I'm afraid. We're up against Nieubasria next.
R. Hammond: We may be screwed... anyway, have you managed to get a hold of James?
J. Clarkson: Sadly, I couldn't tell where James had gone, because he's an imbecile.
[Clarkson shows Hammond a photo of James having become lost in a very strange area of Ryxtylopia.]
Clarkson told Hammond about Gwyn's good performances in the central midfield position that Hammond would be taking back starting with the upcoming match. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to everyone...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Right then. I'm ready. Are you all ready to go?
Svetoslav S.: We're ready and waiting for the all clear.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good job. I know I can count on all of you.
Larysa O.: We'll scan any potential threats on our journey. If we are breached, you already know how to fight.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You know me well. I didn't just spend my time as an Esferiad athlete doing my chosen sports after all. A good monarch is always prepared. Now then, time to enter the slums. Let's see what's really going on here.
[Somewhere not far from where the Tsar is, May is only just realising that he's lost. Not for the first time this trip.]
J. May: Erm... chaps....

                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

When Clarkson, Hammond and May all convened with the rest of The Genesis, they spent an idle time driving about. Hammond then told the other two to go away...
Jokichi Y.: Hey! I brought that camera you asked for.
Lyubomyr D.: Just put it over there, yeah?
Enrico P.: Yes. The others will sort it out.
Rashad G.: Hey, you need any help?
Ozen I.: That won't be necessary.
Kanako Y.: Let's hurry up here, we don't exactly have time to be lazing about.
Nia H.: This feels like a scene from an anime.
[Reimu yawns excessively, refusing to move from the strenuous activity of drinking sake on the floor with a glorified pillow for comfort]
Reimu H.: Do I have to? This is hardly important.
Clarkov S.: ...Really?
Rashad G.: You're not exempt from this, Reimu.
Yuri M.: Look over here. Now would you come and help please?
[Reimu reluctantly gets up and helps the others set up the equipment, Hammond then enters the room.]
R. Hammond: Thanks guys. You've been a real help today.
Rashad G.: No problem, Richard. You said you wanted it done quickly.
R. Hammond: Yeah, I got something I want to show.
Seiko S.: Well, let's clear the area and let Richard get to it.
[Hammond prepares to address the viewers tuning in to the live session while the others leave the room.]
Seiko S.: Hey, did you know Richard always ad-libs his videos?
Naho S.: I think we all knew that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to be looking for someone.
Info-C.: Still searching for Kou, I see.
Naho S.: Who else? Lain, make sure Seiko doesn't follow me. I'm not sure I can bear her.
Lain V.: Yeah, no problem.
[Lain grabs Seiko by the arm and drags her along with him, Naho diverts in search of her mentor and Hammond turns on the camera to begin filming.]
R. Hammond: Hello. This is rather impromptu from me, but you'll soon see why. Now, I'm known to have a lot of people back in Hertfordshire & Jammbo... mainly teenage girls and a few teenage boys... that think I'm the most handsome person this side of Oliver.
J. May: Oliver...!
[May holds back laughter in the distance.]
R. Hammond: Ignore that, it's just a spaniel. Anyway, I was reading some of those comments underneath the videos of us three and thought to myself, 'what if anyone wants to pretend to be us'. Weird thought, I know, but to solve that I came up with this.
[Hammond holds up a shoddy title card.]



[Because James is slow and lost, we couldn't get his part done in time. Sorry. - Richard Hammond]
R. Hammond: Hang on, I've just received word that The Genesis were beaten 2-1 by Candelu and because of that we are now fifth in our group.
[Clarkson enters the room from behind Hammond.]
J. Clarkson: It gets worse, I'm afraid. We're up against Nieubasria next.
R. Hammond: We may be screwed... anyway, have you managed to get a hold of James?
J. Clarkson: Sadly, I couldn't tell where James had gone, because he's an imbecile.
[Clarkson shows Hammond a photo of James having become lost in a very strange area of Ryxtylopia.]
Clarkson told Hammond about Gwyn's good performances in the central midfield position that Hammond would be taking back starting with the upcoming match. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to everyone...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Right then. I'm ready. Are you all ready to go?
Svetoslav S.: We're ready and waiting for the all clear.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good job. I know I can count on all of you.
Larysa O.: We'll scan any potential threats on our journey. If we are breached, you already know how to fight.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You know me well. I didn't just spend my time as an Esferiad athlete doing my chosen sports after all. A good monarch is always prepared. Now then, time to enter the slums. Let's see what's really going on here.
[Somewhere not far from where the Tsar is, May is only just realising that he's lost. Not for the first time this trip.]
J. May: Erm... chaps....

                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

When Clarkson, Hammond and May all convened with the rest of The Genesis, they spent an idle time driving about. Hammond then told the other two to go away...
Jokichi Y.: Hey! I brought that camera you asked for.
Lyubomyr D.: Just put it over there, yeah?
Enrico P.: Yes. The others will sort it out.
Rashad G.: Hey, you need any help?
Ozen I.: That won't be necessary.
Kanako Y.: Let's hurry up here, we don't exactly have time to be lazing about.
Nia H.: This feels like a scene from an anime.
[Reimu yawns excessively, refusing to move from the strenuous activity of drinking sake on the floor with a glorified pillow for comfort]
Reimu H.: Do I have to? This is hardly important.
Clarkov S.: ...Really?
Rashad G.: You're not exempt from this, Reimu.
Yuri M.: Look over here. Now would you come and help please?
[Reimu reluctantly gets up and helps the others set up the equipment, Hammond then enters the room.]
R. Hammond: Thanks guys. You've been a real help today.
Rashad G.: No problem, Richard. You said you wanted it done quickly.
R. Hammond: Yeah, I got something I want to show.
Seiko S.: Well, let's clear the area and let Richard get to it.
[Hammond prepares to address the viewers tuning in to the live session while the others leave the room.]
Seiko S.: Hey, did you know Richard always ad-libs his videos?
Naho S.: I think we all knew that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to be looking for someone.
Info-C.: Still searching for Kou, I see.
Naho S.: Who else? Lain, make sure Seiko doesn't follow me. I'm not sure I can bear her.
Lain V.: Yeah, no problem.
[Lain grabs Seiko by the arm and drags her along with him, Naho diverts in search of her mentor and Hammond turns on the camera to begin filming.]
R. Hammond: Hello. This is rather impromptu from me, but you'll soon see why. Now, I'm known to have a lot of people back in Hertfordshire & Jammbo... mainly teenage girls and a few teenage boys... that think I'm the most handsome person this side of Oliver.
J. May: Oliver...!
[May holds back laughter in the distance.]
R. Hammond: Ignore that, it's just a spaniel. Anyway, I was reading some of those comments underneath the videos of us three and thought to myself, 'what if anyone wants to pretend to be us'. Weird thought, I know, but to solve that I came up with this.
[Hammond holds up a shoddy title card.]



[Because James is slow and lost, we couldn't get his part done in time. Sorry. - Richard Hammond]
R. Hammond: Hang on, I've just received word that The Genesis were beaten 2-1 by Candelu and because of that we are now fifth in our group.
[Clarkson enters the room from behind Hammond.]
J. Clarkson: It gets worse, I'm afraid. We're up against Nieubasria next.
R. Hammond: We may be screwed... anyway, have you managed to get a hold of James?
J. Clarkson: Sadly, I couldn't tell where James had gone, because he's an imbecile.
[Clarkson shows Hammond a photo of James having become lost in a very strange area of Ryxtylopia.]
Clarkson told Hammond about Gwyn's good performances in the central midfield position that Hammond would be taking back starting with the upcoming match. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to everyone...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Right then. I'm ready. Are you all ready to go?
Svetoslav S.: We're ready and waiting for the all clear.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good job. I know I can count on all of you.
Larysa O.: We'll scan any potential threats on our journey. If we are breached, you already know how to fight.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You know me well. I didn't just spend my time as an Esferiad athlete doing my chosen sports after all. A good monarch is always prepared. Now then, time to enter the slums. Let's see what's really going on here.
[Somewhere not far from where the Tsar is, May is only just realising that he's lost. Not for the first time this trip.]
J. May: Erm... chaps....

                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

When Clarkson, Hammond and May all convened with the rest of The Genesis, they spent an idle time driving about. Hammond then told the other two to go away...
Jokichi Y.: Hey! I brought that camera you asked for.
Lyubomyr D.: Just put it over there, yeah?
Enrico P.: Yes. The others will sort it out.
Rashad G.: Hey, you need any help?
Ozen I.: That won't be necessary.
Kanako Y.: Let's hurry up here, we don't exactly have time to be lazing about.
Nia H.: This feels like a scene from an anime.
[Reimu yawns excessively, refusing to move from the strenuous activity of drinking sake on the floor with a glorified pillow for comfort]
Reimu H.: Do I have to? This is hardly important.
Clarkov S.: ...Really?
Rashad G.: You're not exempt from this, Reimu.
Yuri M.: Look over here. Now would you come and help please?
[Reimu reluctantly gets up and helps the others set up the equipment, Hammond then enters the room.]
R. Hammond: Thanks guys. You've been a real help today.
Rashad G.: No problem, Richard. You said you wanted it done quickly.
R. Hammond: Yeah, I got something I want to show.
Seiko S.: Well, let's clear the area and let Richard get to it.
[Hammond prepares to address the viewers tuning in to the live session while the others leave the room.]
Seiko S.: Hey, did you know Richard always ad-libs his videos?
Naho S.: I think we all knew that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to be looking for someone.
Info-C.: Still searching for Kou, I see.
Naho S.: Who else? Lain, make sure Seiko doesn't follow me. I'm not sure I can bear her.
Lain V.: Yeah, no problem.
[Lain grabs Seiko by the arm and drags her along with him, Naho diverts in search of her mentor and Hammond turns on the camera to begin filming.]
R. Hammond: Hello. This is rather impromptu from me, but you'll soon see why. Now, I'm known to have a lot of people back in Hertfordshire & Jammbo... mainly teenage girls and a few teenage boys... that think I'm the most handsome person this side of Oliver.
J. May: Oliver...!
[May holds back laughter in the distance.]
R. Hammond: Ignore that, it's just a spaniel. Anyway, I was reading some of those comments underneath the videos of us three and thought to myself, 'what if anyone wants to pretend to be us'. Weird thought, I know, but to solve that I came up with this.
[Hammond holds up a shoddy title card.]



[Because James is slow and lost, we couldn't get his part done in time. Sorry. - Richard Hammond]
R. Hammond: Hang on, I've just received word that The Genesis were beaten 2-1 by Candelu and because of that we are now fifth in our group.
[Clarkson enters the room from behind Hammond.]
J. Clarkson: It gets worse, I'm afraid. We're up against Nieubasria next.
R. Hammond: We may be screwed... anyway, have you managed to get a hold of James?
J. Clarkson: Sadly, I couldn't tell where James had gone, because he's an imbecile.
[Clarkson shows Hammond a photo of James having become lost in a very strange area of Ryxtylopia.]
Clarkson told Hammond about Gwyn's good performances in the central midfield position that Hammond would be taking back starting with the upcoming match. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to everyone...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Right then. I'm ready. Are you all ready to go?
Svetoslav S.: We're ready and waiting for the all clear.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good job. I know I can count on all of you.
Larysa O.: We'll scan any potential threats on our journey. If we are breached, you already know how to fight.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You know me well. I didn't just spend my time as an Esferiad athlete doing my chosen sports after all. A good monarch is always prepared. Now then, time to enter the slums. Let's see what's really going on here.
[Somewhere not far from where the Tsar is, May is only just realising that he's lost. Not for the first time this trip.]
J. May: Erm... chaps....

                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

When Clarkson, Hammond and May all convened with the rest of The Genesis, they spent an idle time driving about. Hammond then told the other two to go away...
Jokichi Y.: Hey! I brought that camera you asked for.
Lyubomyr D.: Just put it over there, yeah?
Enrico P.: Yes. The others will sort it out.
Rashad G.: Hey, you need any help?
Ozen I.: That won't be necessary.
Kanako Y.: Let's hurry up here, we don't exactly have time to be lazing about.
Nia H.: This feels like a scene from an anime.
[Reimu yawns excessively, refusing to move from the strenuous activity of drinking sake on the floor with a glorified pillow for comfort]
Reimu H.: Do I have to? This is hardly important.
Clarkov S.: ...Really?
Rashad G.: You're not exempt from this, Reimu.
Yuri M.: Look over here. Now would you come and help please?
[Reimu reluctantly gets up and helps the others set up the equipment, Hammond then enters the room.]
R. Hammond: Thanks guys. You've been a real help today.
Rashad G.: No problem, Richard. You said you wanted it done quickly.
R. Hammond: Yeah, I got something I want to show.
Seiko S.: Well, let's clear the area and let Richard get to it.
[Hammond prepares to address the viewers tuning in to the live session while the others leave the room.]
Seiko S.: Hey, did you know Richard always ad-libs his videos?
Naho S.: I think we all knew that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to be looking for someone.
Info-C.: Still searching for Kou, I see.
Naho S.: Who else? Lain, make sure Seiko doesn't follow me. I'm not sure I can bear her.
Lain V.: Yeah, no problem.
[Lain grabs Seiko by the arm and drags her along with him, Naho diverts in search of her mentor and Hammond turns on the camera to begin filming.]
R. Hammond: Hello. This is rather impromptu from me, but you'll soon see why. Now, I'm known to have a lot of people back in Hertfordshire & Jammbo... mainly teenage girls and a few teenage boys... that think I'm the most handsome person this side of Oliver.
J. May: Oliver...!
[May holds back laughter in the distance.]
R. Hammond: Ignore that, it's just a spaniel. Anyway, I was reading some of those comments underneath the videos of us three and thought to myself, 'what if anyone wants to pretend to be us'. Weird thought, I know, but to solve that I came up with this.
[Hammond holds up a shoddy title card.]



[Because James is slow and lost, we couldn't get his part done in time. Sorry. - Richard Hammond]
R. Hammond: Hang on, I've just received word that The Genesis were beaten 2-1 by Candelu and because of that we are now fifth in our group.
[Clarkson enters the room from behind Hammond.]
J. Clarkson: It gets worse, I'm afraid. We're up against Nieubasria next.
R. Hammond: We may be screwed... anyway, have you managed to get a hold of James?
J. Clarkson: Sadly, I couldn't tell where James had gone, because he's an imbecile.
[Clarkson shows Hammond a photo of James having become lost in a very strange area of Ryxtylopia.]
Clarkson told Hammond about Gwyn's good performances in the central midfield position that Hammond would be taking back starting with the upcoming match. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to everyone...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Right then. I'm ready. Are you all ready to go?
Svetoslav S.: We're ready and waiting for the all clear.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good job. I know I can count on all of you.
Larysa O.: We'll scan any potential threats on our journey. If we are breached, you already know how to fight.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You know me well. I didn't just spend my time as an Esferiad athlete doing my chosen sports after all. A good monarch is always prepared. Now then, time to enter the slums. Let's see what's really going on here.
[Somewhere not far from where the Tsar is, May is only just realising that he's lost. Not for the first time this trip.]
J. May: Erm... chaps....

                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

When Clarkson, Hammond and May all convened with the rest of The Genesis, they spent an idle time driving about. Hammond then told the other two to go away...
Jokichi Y.: Hey! I brought that camera you asked for.
Lyubomyr D.: Just put it over there, yeah?
Enrico P.: Yes. The others will sort it out.
Rashad G.: Hey, you need any help?
Ozen I.: That won't be necessary.
Kanako Y.: Let's hurry up here, we don't exactly have time to be lazing about.
Nia H.: This feels like a scene from an anime.
[Reimu yawns excessively, refusing to move from the strenuous activity of drinking sake on the floor with a glorified pillow for comfort]
Reimu H.: Do I have to? This is hardly important.
Clarkov S.: ...Really?
Rashad G.: You're not exempt from this, Reimu.
Yuri M.: Look over here. Now would you come and help please?
[Reimu reluctantly gets up and helps the others set up the equipment, Hammond then enters the room.]
R. Hammond: Thanks guys. You've been a real help today.
Rashad G.: No problem, Richard. You said you wanted it done quickly.
R. Hammond: Yeah, I got something I want to show.
Seiko S.: Well, let's clear the area and let Richard get to it.
[Hammond prepares to address the viewers tuning in to the live session while the others leave the room.]
Seiko S.: Hey, did you know Richard always ad-libs his videos?
Naho S.: I think we all knew that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to be looking for someone.
Info-C.: Still searching for Kou, I see.
Naho S.: Who else? Lain, make sure Seiko doesn't follow me. I'm not sure I can bear her.
Lain V.: Yeah, no problem.
[Lain grabs Seiko by the arm and drags her along with him, Naho diverts in search of her mentor and Hammond turns on the camera to begin filming.]
R. Hammond: Hello. This is rather impromptu from me, but you'll soon see why. Now, I'm known to have a lot of people back in Hertfordshire & Jammbo... mainly teenage girls and a few teenage boys... that think I'm the most handsome person this side of Oliver.
J. May: Oliver...!
[May holds back laughter in the distance.]
R. Hammond: Ignore that, it's just a spaniel. Anyway, I was reading some of those comments underneath the videos of us three and thought to myself, 'what if anyone wants to pretend to be us'. Weird thought, I know, but to solve that I came up with this.
[Hammond holds up a shoddy title card.]



[Because James is slow and lost, we couldn't get his part done in time. Sorry. - Richard Hammond]
R. Hammond: Hang on, I've just received word that The Genesis were beaten 2-1 by Candelu and because of that we are now fifth in our group.
[Clarkson enters the room from behind Hammond.]
J. Clarkson: It gets worse, I'm afraid. We're up against Nieubasria next.
R. Hammond: We may be screwed... anyway, have you managed to get a hold of James?
J. Clarkson: Sadly, I couldn't tell where James had gone, because he's an imbecile.
[Clarkson shows Hammond a photo of James having become lost in a very strange area of Ryxtylopia.]
Clarkson told Hammond about Gwyn's good performances in the central midfield position that Hammond would be taking back starting with the upcoming match. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to everyone...
Tsar Mecislavs I: Right then. I'm ready. Are you all ready to go?
Svetoslav S.: We're ready and waiting for the all clear.
Tsar Mecislavs I: Good job. I know I can count on all of you.
Larysa O.: We'll scan any potential threats on our journey. If we are breached, you already know how to fight.
Tsar Mecislavs I: You know me well. I didn't just spend my time as an Esferiad athlete doing my chosen sports after all. A good monarch is always prepared. Now then, time to enter the slums. Let's see what's really going on here.
[Somewhere not far from where the Tsar is, May is only just realising that he's lost. Not for the first time this trip.]
J. May: Erm... chaps....

                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |

The trio were meant to be flying across the Darkesian Sea in their military plane towards Saint Mark to circumvent it. Problem was, May was flying...
R. Hammond: While we could be thundering past Giovanniland, James is making our lives a misery... again.
[Clarkson looks down to what's below them.]
J. Clarkson: Er... we can't be at Ryxtylopia already, right?
R. Hammond: James, why can I see a nation?
J. May: Er, because I went in the wrong direction mate. I didn't tell you this, I made a route towards the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland and have had to go along through there a bit and we'll head up toward-
R. Hammond: H- I'm sorry? We, on a route towards Saint Mark, have flown into Andoliavilla?
J. May: Yeah mate. Sorry.
R. Hammond: So you've made us get lost in this farm prop as well as slower.
J. Clarkson: That is the face of a Hammond who knows that all the pre-flight checks in the world can't compensate for being stuck in an airborne tumble dryer with Esferos' slowest man at the controls. Also it's Andoliaville.
R. Hammond: No, Andoliavilla.
J. May: Officially it's called the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland, but they call it Giovandolia so that's what its name is.
J. Clarkson: James, we're not from Giovanniland, we're from Hertfordshire-Jammbo. We call it Endeuliyevil or Entestiprazye and that translates to Andoliaville.
R. Hammond: I maintain your wrongness on this.
J. May: I was being correct.
J. Clarkson: Pfft, whatever.
R. Hammond: No you weren't.
J. May: And anyway, it's a colony. They ought to leave this continent.
R. Hammond: Has James been swapped for a Varanian?
J. Clarkson: He's not a Varanian, but he is an old lady.
J. May: I'm a what? No sorry, I missed that.
R. Hammond: I mean... I knew he was from the 10th century, but really?
J. Clarkson: He's always been an old lady, he was born an old lady. Congratulations Mrs. May, it's an old lady!
[Hammond laughs into the air, May is confused.]
J. Clarkson: Anyway, back to the main topic, we're lost.
J. May: No we're not. I think.
R. Hammond: Whichever way you cut it, this is the wrong way.
J. Clarkson: Hang on a second. We're flying in a plane from the Armed Forces.
R. Hammond: Yeah.
J. Clarkson: I hope the Giovannilandians don't send a welcome party.
R. Hammond: How are you doing?
J. Clarkson: Yeah, I'm fine. How about you?
R. Hammond: We're going the wrong way, we've veered off west into Andoliavilla and are flying over it right now. So that's a no.
J. Clarkson: A route imposed by James' inability to use a map.
R. Hammond: We have to fly over every town. There's a place called Giovenoria that could be a bit tricky for us. Ugh...
[Hammond puts his head in his hands in despair. Clarkson adjusts the camera through which Hertfordians and Jammbonians (and Hertmerians) back home are watching them.]
J. Clarkson: So if you've just started watching us, an update on our trip for you. We're behind schedule... by miles.
[The plane continues to fly through Giovanniland and out onto the Darkesian Sea where it has to divert heavily to avoid encroaching onto any more countries. It's passing along the coast of Dilber when Hammond pipes up again when he tries to eat his lunch.]
R. Hammond: James. I've got no fork.
J. May: Yeah, it's not allowed on the flight.
R. Hammond: Well it's just as well 'cause if I had any cutlery right now it'd be sticking out your neck!
J. Clarkson: Richard.
R. Hammond: Yeah?
J. Clarkson: I found these sheets. Do you think I should show this to the audience?
R. Hammond: I don't see why not.
 
Style: +1.7 RP permissions If my opponent RPs first, they may... Injure my players: yes Assign my players yellow cards: no Assign my players red cards: no Godmod injuries: no Godmod scoring: no Godmod other events: no A sheet with what was seemingly useful drivel on there. But the trio had figured out that this must have been important otherwise it wouldn't be in the plane with them. It looked like some kind of permission slip.
J. Clarkson: Certainly, the roster of The Genesis is more of an engineering triumph than James' plane...
R. Hammond: We've got no bloody forks.
J. May: Stop whinging about the ruddy in-flight food, man.
R. Hammond: Fuck's sake...
J. May: And don't jig about, 'cause we're climbing. We're struggling a bit here.
R. Hammond: I am not jiggling!
J. May: Yeah, but Jeremy is.
R. Hammond:  How rubbish is this thing if I can't even lift a chocolate bar to my face without us crashing into a mountain of drugs or Quiyakaso?!
J. Clarkson: I know what will cheer you up, Richard. Let's talk about a car made back home, the Buralati Chirkov. More specifically, the special "Legends of the Snow" version that was made in honour of the Hertfordshire & Jammbo cricket team that won the T20 World Cup. You know, even though there are these huge cooling guts and the engine has no cover at all, that thing has 11 radiators. 4 to cool the engine itself, 3 for the intercoolers, 1 to do the axle oil, 1 to do the engine oil and 2 to cool the hydraulic fluid used to raise it's rear spoiler. ...It's got more radiators than my house!
R. Hammond: ...That was made in Hertfordshire & Jammbo?
J. Clarkson: I know it seems absurd but I promise you, it's not as far fetched as it seems. Most of our land is untouched countryside with mountain ranges, lakes, a lot of snow and miles of quiet straight roads. It's the sort of country a hypercar could unleash everything it has in, providing the roads aren't too covered in ice or frost.

The Buralati Chirkov that Clarkson was talking about. It has a quad-turbo W16 engine that produces 1,578bhp and goes to a top speed of 305m/h. It's the fastest car that Hertfordshire & Jammbo has managed thus far. It's named after legendary Hertmerian racing driver Lui Chirkov. He is believed to be living at Hestmere in Overthinkers, but this has yet to be proven.
R. Hammond: That is just... wow. Incredible.
J. Clarkson: You know what else is incredible?
R. Hammond: What?
J. Clarkson: James looks like he's preparing another lump of disappointment.
J. May: Hammond? Clarkson? We have to stop for fuel.
R. Hammond: Well, why didn't you put more in?
J. May: Well I filled it up. That's as much as it takes.
R. Hammond: So we've got to pull over for petrol?
J. May: Are you, er, are you familiar with the basic principles of flight?
R. Hammond: No.
J. May: One of the problems we have is because the plane is heavily loaded is that we need, essentially, more lift so we have to fly with the wings at a slightly higher angle...
R. Hammond: Oh god...
J. Clarkson: I'm nodding off.
[May continues his lecture, which takes so long that by the time he had finished, they were flying over their destination. Not that May was aware of this.]
J. Clarkson: Guys?
J. May: Yeah?
J. Clarkson: We're here. Look.
[Hammond and May look out of the windscreen and window respectively to see Ryxenia coming into view.]
J. May: Guess we don't need to stop for fuel after all. Just need to re-fill when we land.
J. Clarkson: Or whatever it is that flying fridge-freezers run on.
R. Hammond: I'm starting to think James' plane plan wasn't as lightning fast as I'd first imagined.
J. May: Remind me to tell the person who refuels our planes to stop being such a Fujansk trade unionist and get on with it.
J. Clarkson: Oh! Before we go, viewers, I want to show you this. It's the roster of The Mafia, otherwise known as The Genesis. I'd have shown this to you earlier but, well, you know...
[Clarkson uses his head to gesture to May.]
 
 
 
 
J. May: "Wait a minute. Why did Petersburg edit her profile to have horns?" | Esmeralda P.: "I don't have to disclose that." | R. Hammond: "The thing about having a deaf-mute captain is that no one besides us lot know what we're planning. Unless you happen to have complete knowledge of sign language."
J. Clarkson: Can I just point out that the first match of Hertfordshire & Jammbo has finished already? We drew 0-0 with Saint Mark.
J. May: Has it? How's that happened?
J. Clarkson: Maybe it has to do with the fact that your pre-flight checks and sense of direction have caused us to be catastrophically late?
J. May: Oh cock...
The trio and their plane finally landed in a field nearby Ryxenia, from which Clarkson and Hammond got into a Buralati Chirkov that the HAJFF had shipped to Ryxtylopia for them. May meanwhile chose to get on the team coach - named "The Ragnarök" - where he received a verbal hammering from assistant manager Tess on the way to Saltavacha.
                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |
 

The trio were meant to be flying across the Darkesian Sea in their military plane towards Saint Mark to circumvent it. Problem was, May was flying...
R. Hammond: While we could be thundering past Giovanniland, James is making our lives a misery... again.
[Clarkson looks down to what's below them.]
J. Clarkson: Er... we can't be at Ryxtylopia already, right?
R. Hammond: James, why can I see a nation?
J. May: Er, because I went in the wrong direction mate. I didn't tell you this, I made a route towards the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland and have had to go along through there a bit and we'll head up toward-
R. Hammond: H- I'm sorry? We, on a route towards Saint Mark, have flown into Andoliavilla?
J. May: Yeah mate. Sorry.
R. Hammond: So you've made us get lost in this farm prop as well as slower.
J. Clarkson: That is the face of a Hammond who knows that all the pre-flight checks in the world can't compensate for being stuck in an airborne tumble dryer with Esferos' slowest man at the controls. Also it's Andoliaville.
R. Hammond: No, Andoliavilla.
J. May: Officially it's called the Andolian Territories of Giovanniland, but they call it Giovandolia so that's what its name is.
J. Clarkson: James, we're not from Giovanniland, we're from Hertfordshire-Jammbo. We call it Endeuliyevil or Entestiprazye and that translates to Andoliaville.
R. Hammond: I maintain your wrongness on this.
J. May: I was being correct.
J. Clarkson: Pfft, whatever.
R. Hammond: No you weren't.
J. May: And anyway, it's a colony. They ought to leave this continent.
R. Hammond: Has James been swapped for a Varanian?
J. Clarkson: He's not a Varanian, but he is an old lady.
J. May: I'm a what? No sorry, I missed that.
R. Hammond: I mean... I knew he was from the 10th century, but really?
J. Clarkson: He's always been an old lady, he was born an old lady. Congratulations Mrs. May, it's an old lady!
[Hammond laughs into the air, May is confused.]
J. Clarkson: Anyway, back to the main topic, we're lost.
J. May: No we're not. I think.
R. Hammond: Whichever way you cut it, this is the wrong way.
J. Clarkson: Hang on a second. We're flying in a plane from the Armed Forces.
R. Hammond: Yeah.
J. Clarkson: I hope the Giovannilandians don't send a welcome party.
R. Hammond: How are you doing?
J. Clarkson: Yeah, I'm fine. How about you?
R. Hammond: We're going the wrong way, we've veered off west into Andoliavilla and are flying over it right now. So that's a no.
J. Clarkson: A route imposed by James' inability to use a map.
R. Hammond: We have to fly over every town. There's a place called Giovenoria that could be a bit tricky for us. Ugh...
[Hammond puts his head in his hands in despair. Clarkson adjusts the camera through which Hertfordians and Jammbonians (and Hertmerians) back home are watching them.]
J. Clarkson: So if you've just started watching us, an update on our trip for you. We're behind schedule... by miles.
[The plane continues to fly through Giovanniland and out onto the Darkesian Sea where it has to divert heavily to avoid encroaching onto any more countries. It's passing along the coast of Dilber when Hammond pipes up again when he tries to eat his lunch.]
R. Hammond: James. I've got no fork.
J. May: Yeah, it's not allowed on the flight.
R. Hammond: Well it's just as well 'cause if I had any cutlery right now it'd be sticking out your neck!
J. Clarkson: Richard.
R. Hammond: Yeah?
J. Clarkson: I found these sheets. Do you think I should show this to the audience?
R. Hammond: I don't see why not.
 
Style: +1.7 RP permissions If my opponent RPs first, they may... Injure my players: yes Assign my players yellow cards: no Assign my players red cards: no Godmod injuries: no Godmod scoring: no Godmod other events: no A sheet with what was seemingly useful drivel on there. But the trio had figured out that this must have been important otherwise it wouldn't be in the plane with them. It looked like some kind of permission slip.
J. Clarkson: Certainly, the roster of The Genesis is more of an engineering triumph than James' plane...
R. Hammond: We've got no bloody forks.
J. May: Stop whinging about the ruddy in-flight food, man.
R. Hammond: Fuck's sake...
J. May: And don't jig about, 'cause we're climbing. We're struggling a bit here.
R. Hammond: I am not jiggling!
J. May: Yeah, but Jeremy is.
R. Hammond:  How rubbish is this thing if I can't even lift a chocolate bar to my face without us crashing into a mountain of drugs or Quiyakaso?!
J. Clarkson: I know what will cheer you up, Richard. Let's talk about a car made back home, the Buralati Chirkov. More specifically, the special "Legends of the Snow" version that was made in honour of the Hertfordshire & Jammbo cricket team that won the T20 World Cup. You know, even though there are these huge cooling guts and the engine has no cover at all, that thing has 11 radiators. 4 to cool the engine itself, 3 for the intercoolers, 1 to do the axle oil, 1 to do the engine oil and 2 to cool the hydraulic fluid used to raise it's rear spoiler. ...It's got more radiators than my house!
R. Hammond: ...That was made in Hertfordshire & Jammbo?
J. Clarkson: I know it seems absurd but I promise you, it's not as far fetched as it seems. Most of our land is untouched countryside with mountain ranges, lakes, a lot of snow and miles of quiet straight roads. It's the sort of country a hypercar could unleash everything it has in, providing the roads aren't too covered in ice or frost.

The Buralati Chirkov that Clarkson was talking about. It has a quad-turbo W16 engine that produces 1,578bhp and goes to a top speed of 305m/h. It's the fastest car that Hertfordshire & Jammbo has managed thus far. It's named after legendary Hertmerian racing driver Lui Chirkov. He is believed to be living at Hestmere in Overthinkers, but this has yet to be proven.
R. Hammond: That is just... wow. Incredible.
J. Clarkson: You know what else is incredible?
R. Hammond: What?
J. Clarkson: James looks like he's preparing another lump of disappointment.
J. May: Hammond? Clarkson? We have to stop for fuel.
R. Hammond: Well, why didn't you put more in?
J. May: Well I filled it up. That's as much as it takes.
R. Hammond: So we've got to pull over for petrol?
J. May: Are you, er, are you familiar with the basic principles of flight?
R. Hammond: No.
J. May: One of the problems we have is because the plane is heavily loaded is that we need, essentially, more lift so we have to fly with the wings at a slightly higher angle...
R. Hammond: Oh god...
J. Clarkson: I'm nodding off.
[May continues his lecture, which takes so long that by the time he had finished, they were flying over their destination. Not that May was aware of this.]
J. Clarkson: Guys?
J. May: Yeah?
J. Clarkson: We're here. Look.
[Hammond and May look out of the windscreen and window respectively to see Ryxenia coming into view.]
J. May: Guess we don't need to stop for fuel after all. Just need to re-fill when we land.
J. Clarkson: Or whatever it is that flying fridge-freezers run on.
R. Hammond: I'm starting to think James' plane plan wasn't as lightning fast as I'd first imagined.
J. May: Remind me to tell the person who refuels our planes to stop being such a Fujansk trade unionist and get on with it.
J. Clarkson: Oh! Before we go, viewers, I want to show you this. It's the roster of The Mafia, otherwise known as The Genesis. I'd have shown this to you earlier but, well, you know...
[Clarkson uses his head to gesture to May.]
 
 
 
 
J. May: "Wait a minute. Why did Petersburg edit her profile to have horns?" | Esmeralda P.: "I don't have to disclose that." | R. Hammond: "The thing about having a deaf-mute captain is that no one besides us lot know what we're planning. Unless you happen to have complete knowledge of sign language."
J. Clarkson: Can I just point out that the first match of Hertfordshire & Jammbo has finished already? We drew 0-0 with Saint Mark.
J. May: Has it? How's that happened?
J. Clarkson: Maybe it has to do with the fact that your pre-flight checks and sense of direction have caused us to be catastrophically late?
J. May: Oh cock...
The trio and their plane finally landed in a field nearby Ryxenia, from which Clarkson and Hammond got into a Buralati Chirkov that the HAJFF had shipped to Ryxtylopia for them. May meanwhile chose to get on the team coach - named "The Ragnarök" - where he received a verbal hammering from assistant manager Tess on the way to Saltavacha.
                                  
| 𐑣𐑸'𐑘𐑱 𐑛𐑰 𐑤𐑨𐑛𐑟! (Ha'wei Di Ladz!) |
| Ha'way The Lads! |
| Придъ'няпредванеи На Младеч! (Pride'napredvanei Na Mladezh!) |