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Turkey Pardon Proposal

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Hey everybody,

we've been voting gameside recently on which Turkey to let off the hook. But as we know, here in TWP, referendums and votes and the voice of the people don't actually, you know, do anything. So I think it's fitting that we here in the Hall of Nations pass a petition to ask Bran, our delegate and the only one with any actual authority when it comes to this all-important, weighty matter, to pardon a turkey.

My suggestion for a proposal is below. It's here for debate, let me know what you think, what you like, what you don't. We can change the language before we move it to a vote.

I've made the assumption that the results of the poll will hold.

Quote

Original Text

When in the course of avian events, it becomes necessary for one people to cook and eat several large birds in celebration and thankfulness for their freedom from the marsupials’ reign of terror, it is fitting that a show of clemency be made.

Four fowl have been presented to us, and it is our duty to choose one whose life to spare. The choice has not been difficult. We believe that Old Pecker is more fair than foul and doesn’t deserve to die.

All of the other Turkeys have condemned themselves through their testimony. Butterball avowed his Marsupialism. Adele botched a coup which went against her own statements as delegate (which must have been awfully embarrassing for her, sorry Adele. Being killed for Thanksgiving must seem like nothing after committing gp suicide and being martyred in meme dispatches). Big Tom likes to double-post on the RMB, and honestly, if we could kill a fourth turkey here, we’d execute him a second time.

 Only Old Pecker has maintained his innocence. If we were to let him die anyway, it would be to set the precedent that turkeys are guilty until proven innocent. Sure, he gives us an iffy vibe, and his name’s kind of weird, and his neighbors keep disappearing, and he used to be friends with 94 block, and he’s been charged in murder and/or manslaughter on 181 separate occasions. But he has always been acquitted, and you can’t assume that everyone who finds the body of a murder victim is guilty, even if he found them in his basement while he was still holding a knife. He’d probably just come downstairs from carving his own Thanksgiving turkey.

Honestly, Old Pecker seems like a really nice guy, and we’d like to hang out with him sometime. He invited us to go for a long walk in the woods with him, so maybe we could go see the fall foliage or something. I’m sure you’d like him to if you got to know him. He’s such a unique individual. We don’t know anyone else who tye-dyes all their clothes but only with red dye.

For all these reasons, then, we, the people of The West Pacific assembled in the Hall of Nations, humbly beseech our lord Delegate and Dragon Emperor to bestow his mercy upon us, his humble servants, and spare the life of Old Pecker. He won’t regret it. He didn’t look that tasty anyway.

Quote

With Revisions

When in the course of avian events, it becomes necessary for one people to cook and eat several large birds in celebration and thankfulness for their freedom from the marsupials’ reign of terror, it is fitting that a show of clemency be made.

Four fowl have been presented to us, and it is our duty to choose one whose life to spare. The choice has not been difficult. We believe that Old Pecker is more fair than foul and and does not deserve to meet his end this November.

All of the other Turkeys have condemned themselves through their testimony. Butterball avowed his Marsupialism. Adele botched a coup which went against her own statements as delegate (which must have been awfully embarrassing for her, sorry Adele. Being killed for Thanksgiving must seem like nothing after having been martyred in nsgp and mocked in meme dispatches). Big Tom likes to double-post on the RMB, and honestly, if we could kill a fourth turkey here, we’d execute him a second time.

 Only Old Pecker has maintained his innocence. If we were to let him die anyway, it would be to set the precedent that turkeys are guilty until proven innocent. Sure, he gives us an iffy vibe, and his name’s kind of weird, and his neighbors keep disappearing, and he used to be friends with 94 block, and he’s been charged with murder and/or manslaughter on 181 separate occasions. But he has always been acquitted, and you can’t assume that everyone who finds the body of a murder victim is guilty, even if he found them in his basement while he was still holding a knife. He had probably just come downstairs from carving his own Thanksgiving turkey.

Honestly, Old Pecker seems like a really nice guy, and we’d like to hang out with him sometime. He invited us to go for a long walk in the woods with him, so maybe we could go see the fall foliage or something. I’m sure you’d like him to if you got to know him. He’s such a unique individual. We don’t know anyone else who tye-dyes all their clothes but only with red dye.

For all these reasons, then, we, the people of The West Pacific assembled in the Hall of Nations, humbly beseech our lord Delegate and Dragon Emperor to bestow his mercy upon us, his humble servants, and spare the life of Old Pecker. He won’t regret it. He didn’t look that tasty anyway.

 

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In the words of the turkey himself, "violence is never the answer". Can we really bring ourselves to harm this clearly innocent turkey, who has surely never hurt anyone? That very idea is gobbledygook! I fully support this proposal.

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5 hours ago, Dalimbar said:

I have one quibble about this resolution. I'm sure we can find a better phrase than "committing gp suicide". I get the intent, just do not feel it is the most appropriate phrase for a light hearted contest.

That's a great comment. I had that thought, so I added the line about being martyred instead, but I neglected to to take out the more problematic phrase. How about:

 

"Being killed for Thanksgiving must seem like nothing after having been martyred in nsgp"?

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That sounds better to me, though perhaps you could say "having been martyred in nsgp and mocked in meme dispatches."

I'd like to point out, though, that expressing a love for koalas and considering wallabys cute is not sufficient grounds for accusations of Marsupialism and Roo Fur Fever. Now, Butterball may have his problems, but at least he's honest about himself, whereas it seems you are blindly accepting Old Pecker's statements as true without a shred of evidence in your favor.

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Did anyone ever doubt Old Pecker would get here? He likes books and goes out to an Italian place. That is an automatic vote. The ol' guy came across as awfully suspicious, but when against a double poster, a failed usurper and an uncouth party animal, what other choice was there?

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6 hours ago, Clarkov said:

Did anyone ever doubt Old Pecker would get here? He likes books and goes out to an Italian place. That is an automatic vote. The ol' guy came across as awfully suspicious, but when against a double poster, a failed usurper and an uncouth party animal, what other choice was there?

What's bad about coups if all they do is fail?

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On 11/22/2019 at 9:04 AM, Fujai said:

That sounds better to me, though perhaps you could say "having been martyred in nsgp and mocked in meme dispatches."

I'd like to point out, though, that expressing a love for koalas and considering wallabys cute is not sufficient grounds for accusations of Marsupialism and Roo Fur Fever. Now, Butterball may have his problems, but at least he's honest about himself, whereas it seems you are blindly accepting Old Pecker's statements as true without a shred of evidence in your favor.

Really?  I thought wallabies were cute and liked koalas and I was unjustly accused of Marsupialism.  Just sayin’.

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4 hours ago, Bhang Bhang Duc said:

Really?  I thought wallabies were cute and liked koalas and I was unjustly accused of Marsupialism.  Just sayin’.

Perhaps we should review exactly what defines Marsupialism, then. It's occurrence does not necessarily make the accusation just. Even if the Marsupial-related accusation against Butterball were true, we should not be engaging in the death of those needing proper treatment for their previous brainwashing.

Now, here are a few arguments which expose the lies of Old Pecker:

  • No one who is innocent of murder would explain in every sentence how they did not commit murder.
  • He specifically says " have never been convicted," implying that he has committed a crime and was tried for it, but was not convicted. Do you really want to pardon someone who attempts to obfuscate the truth in such a way?
He says "violence is never the answer." He also never said that he intends to commit murder (or has committed murder) in a violent way. If we assume he is innocent because murder must be violent, then we overlook the myriad ways it could be committed without a hint of aggression or without the victim ever even knowing. I would go so far as to say it is entirely possible Old Pecker has a deal with his "favorite Italian place" to spike his guests' food to make his later plans infinitely easier.

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Frankly, all these accusations against Old Pecker are just absurd. So what if the guy has an odd quirk in how he talks? I find it very reassuring how he frequently reminds everyone how he's not going to murder them. It makes me feel safer.

I mean, come on: 

51 minutes ago, Fujai said:

No one who is innocent of murder would explain in every sentence how they did not commit murder.

Really, no one? What if an innocent man were on trial for a murder he did not commit? Surely it would be reasonable for this person to frequently assert that they were not, in fact, responsible for murder. Now, maybe Old Pecker has just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time so many times that he's been on trial for murder (which he surely did not commit) so many times that it's just become habit for him to routinely insist that he is completely not a murderer. Old Pecker is just trying to get everyone to calm down and feel safe around him, since he is not a murderer.

53 minutes ago, Fujai said:

He specifically says " have never been convicted," implying that he has committed a crime and was tried for it, but was not convicted. Do you really want to pardon someone who attempts to obfuscate the truth in such a way?

Even if he had been on trial, which there's no evidence he has (except for the thing I mentioned in my last counterargument but shh), there's absolutely no reason to believe he was actually responsible for whatever crime he may have been on trial for (though it would probably something trivial like jaywalking and definitely not murder), especially if he wasn't convicted. Sure, it might be a little suspect that the hypothetical jury hypothetically unanimously acquitted Old Pecker of this hypothetical jaywalking despite all the hypothetical evidence that he did, in fact, ki- er, jaywalk, but that's all hypothetical. There's no truth being obfuscated here. What's probably happening is that Old Pecker is just informing us that there's nothing to be worried about because he has no criminal record and therefore we should not kill him. If you didn't want to be killed, wouldn't you tell people you'd never been convicted?

59 minutes ago, Fujai said:

He says "violence is never the answer." He also never said that he intends to commit murder (or has committed murder) in a violent way. If we assume he is innocent because murder must be violent, then we overlook the myriad ways it could be committed without a hint of aggression or without the victim ever even knowing. I would go so far as to say it is entirely possible Old Pecker has a deal with his "favorite Italian place" to spike his guests' food to make his later plans infinitely easier.

This is complete conjecture! Sure, his favorite Italian place might have ties to the mob, and perhaps Old Pecker is good friends with the mafia, and maybe everyone he's taken to the Italian place has soon thereafter fallen ill and died, but all of that is just theoretical and probably just a coincidence anyway even if it did happen! Plus, if that were the case, which again, it probably isn't, would we really want to anger this hypothetical mafia by killing their turkey friend?

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To make it clear, I didn't vote for Old Pecker himself. I don't see what's wrong with a little double-posty posty on the arembee, we could lighten up on some of TWP's draconian rmb rules like "no spamming" and "be polite". I just wrote the proposal to pardon Old Pecker because he won the poll. I don't think we need to vote over it a second time here in the hall.

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You raise a very fair point. The vote has concluded, and while I disagree with its message, though Sensorland did make some very persuasive arguments, its substance is currently of more import. We are, after all, an organ of the people, as no one says, so we must carry out their wishes.

In that spirit, I would recommend changing the last line of the second paragraph to say "and does not deserve to meet his end this November"?

A couple paragraphs down I believe there's a typo that should be fixed to "charged of murder"

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Nice catches, Fujai.

I'll also change "He'd probably just come downstairs" to "He had probably..." since otherwise it sounds like I mean "He would".

Anything else before I move for a vote?

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Great, glad to see this is already on its way! I've posted the revisions in the OP. I put 'charged with murder' rather than Fujai's suggestion of 'charged of murder.' Not sure if it's a colloquial difference, but that's the form I'm familiar with.

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