Kingstononia

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About Kingstononia

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  • Birthday March 9

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  1. Issue #440: Jumping The Sharknado

    The Issue After another movie season dominated by sequels, remakes and spin-offs, cinema buffs have come to your office begging for action. The Debate "What happened to the classics of days gone by?" rhetorically questions renowned film critic Robert Sherbert. "The Kingstononian movie industry used to be known for such masterpieces as 'The Modfather: Part One', 'A Clockwork Violet', and 'Once Upon A Time In The West Pacific', not the drivel they're putting out these days. If studios want to release films in Kingstononia they should give us something original." "I didn't become a director to make films like 'Rise Of The Planet Of The Tigers Revisited'," gripes Marleen Chandra. "But it's all the studios will sanction. It's such an expensive business making movies, and given the risks it's no wonder we play it safe. Perhaps if the government were to underwrite our projects, I'd finally get a chance to finish 'Heaven's Door'." "Haha!" chortles Lars Sparkle, while watching 'Mad Max vs. Jar-Jar Binks 2: The Unrated Edition' on his smartphone. Shovelling another handful of popcorn into his mouth, he turns to interject, "Oh my god, this is the best part, guys. Will you keep quiet back there?"
  2. Broadband Going To The Birds? The Issue An IT firm organized an unusual race between a carrier pigeon toting a flash drive and Kingstononia's fastest internet provider. The bird easily beat the internet, prompting a debate about internet speeds. The Debate "This is horribly embarrassing!" cries the pixelated image of popular online vlogger Sashona Zhu. Two and a half minutes of buffering later she continues, "Our internet is the slowest in the West Pacific. Our system needs a massive overhaul. We need to crank it up! Fiber optic connections all across Kingstononia! Imagine the increase in productivity. Imagine how much more connected we'll all be. It'll be well worth the cost, Leader." "You've got to be joking!" scoffs your Minister of Finance, Mark Patel. "The government has far more important problems at hand than dealing with trivial matters such as the internet speed. The people of Kingstononia have access to the internet. That's far better than most of the world. Leave the internet providers to run themselves and get back to the business of running the country." "Well, this certainly is eye-opening," exclaims amateur birdwatcher, Daniel Thiesen, with a pair of binoculars dangling from his neck. "Here we are mucking about with our inefficient technology and the birds have us beat! Clearly we need to convert all our inefficient internet into bird-based-broadband! We'll need flocks upon flocks of pigeons and a tight training schedule, but we can do it."
  3. The Issue A military courier, Marleen Lee, rushes into your office in a panic, "Leader, there's been a terrible tragedy! We mistook a civilian aircraft for an attack bomber and launched an anti-aircraft missile at it. There are no survivors. What should we do?" The Debate "Blame the Bigtopians!" shouts Brian Leach, your most jingoistic advisor. "No one can really prove it was us. Pin it on our foes and prove to the world how monstrous they are. It's the perfect excuse to double-down on our military investments. How else can we possibly defend ourselves against such amoral villains?" "What did you expect to happen?" says Pete Broadside, leader of Kingstononians Against Arms. "You can hardly walk down the street without seeing a soldier on their front-porch polishing a surface-to-air missile. With all of these weapons in the government's hands, of course accidents are going to happen. The only way to prevent an awful war is to openly admit our mistake and massively cut back on the number of weapons in circulation. That will keep this tragedy from ever happening again." "How do we even know it was a civilian aircraft?" insinuates Chief Spy L------. "We could just quietly let the word out that it was actually a secret military aircraft sent in by the Bigtopians to spy on us, and no one could blame us for shooting it down. Clearly the numerous schoolchildren and nuns were just clever disguises meant to fool us." "Deny, deny, deny," explains Matilda Gutenberg, Deputy Minister of Information. "We didn't shoot down a plane because there was no plane. There are no corpses because no one was on the plane - which didn't exist anyway. Anyone who says otherwise is clearly just slandering the Glorious Armed Republic of Kingstononia."
  4. Issue #147: Military Budgets Up For Approval

    Thanks mate!
  5. The Issue The various branches of Kingstononia's military brought their budget petitions to your attention and, as usual, they are all asking for widespread increases over the rest of the military departments. The Debate "Clearly the army requires the greatest increase in funds this year," says Field Marshal Bianca Fellow. "After all, wars were never won by air or sea and in this dangerous world we must be able to protect the interests of Kingstononia. Currently our men get hand-me-down weapons, rations I wouldn't feed a pig - the army is increasingly looking like a bad career option and we can't have that. If we're going to get recruits, we need more funding to support our brave lads in their duty." "Hah! It's the Navy who needs the money, mate," says Grand Admiral Tobias Bush. "The army and the police forces can protect us domestically, but can they protect us from having our foreign trade cut off? Can they protect us from terrorists and pirates? How are the soldiers going to get to the enemy's borders? Swim? I think not. Fund us, the Navy, the true protectors of Kingstononia!" "Despite the statements of my colleagues," says Fanny Sato, Marshal of the Air Force. "The Air Force requires more money than these men playing around with boats. We are increasingly seeing terrorists taking to the air, and more ships or guns are not going to stop that. Our people will only be safe when the Air Force has the power it needs to defend us - and for that we need more funding and more government support for industries geared towards the development of new aircraft." "You're all thinking too small!" exclaims Stan Taffs, an avid Star Wars fan. "What we need is more research into the possibilities of space weapons! Big laser cannon and satellites with complete annihilation power! And cool spaceships! Boom! Rat-a-tata! Bang! Bang! It'll be expensive, sure, but think of the power! THE POWER!" "It's simply not good enough!" wails Clint King, the Minister of Defence. "It's not about the money - it's the manpower. Not enough people by far are signing up! All we seem to be getting nowadays are drunks and people who volunteered for a dare. The current conscription laws need to be either more strictly enforced or drastically rewritten. What I propose is a universal draft: everyone capable of pulling a trigger should become a part of the Army, Navy or Air Force. Only in this way can we ensure the dominance of Kingstononia in the region." "The military is a stain on the peace-loving nature of our nation!" cries Kathleen Rubin, while sporting a Rastafarian hat. "People should be allowed to choose what they do for a living! Conscription is wrong and I don't see why our tax Kingstononian Dollars should go to such a despicable cause! The money should be going to more important places - like our pockets!"